Angel's Confessions

27th January, 2006

Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?

When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...

It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.

A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...

...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.

It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.

It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.

That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.

I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.

I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."

It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

...that girl was Angel.

In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!

3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.

Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?

The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.

On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.

Shelly: "what do you want to talk about?"
Me: "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."
Shelly: "yeah?"
Me: "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"
Shelly: "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"

Angel appeared online.

Me: "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"
Shelly: "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about that...you see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u too...so i will be only the interpreter..."

Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.

Me: "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."
Me: "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:
If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."
Me: "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."
Me: "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."
Angel: "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."
Me: "do you still feel anything for me?"
Angel: "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."
Me: "But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."
Angel: "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."
Me: "but what is that something?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"
Angel: "I wanna be with u, but not now"
Me: "when?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"
Angel: "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"
Me: "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."
Angel: "not a fiction, like a dream"
Me: "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."
Angel: "yeah"
Me: "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."
Angel: "I`m so sorry"
Me: "for what?"
Angel: "for everything"

She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.

Angel: "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"
Me: "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."
Me: "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"
Angel: "can`t say that,. it came step by step"

Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.

I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.

How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.

No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.

If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.

* * * * *

A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.

It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.

In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.

I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.

* * * * *

It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.

My own words kept coming back to my head...

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!

In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!

On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.

Her mail letter had a more detailed description:

"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"

"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"

"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"

"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!

Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."

"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"

I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?

Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.

Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.

Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.

She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.

Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.

I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.

Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.

Can love be everlasting?

25th November, 2005

Fresh soldiers from March '05 have joined our battery and I finally became a sergeant. Soldiers who served over 2.4 years in the army become "senior", or in Hebrew "pazamnik".

Me and my mates from August '03 no longer have to clean up the base every morning and evening, commanders don't check our magazines, our weapons or water flasks. We can now have our own room where we can put a TV, PS2, DVD and other electronic appliances. We are first priority in choosing our missions - usually senior soldiers are riding the Humvees or take part in special operations, it's obviously much better than standing in a roadblock or guarding the base.

The main benefit a senior soldier receives for his last 8 months of mandatory service is home release. Depending on the missions and the capacity of available soldiers, seniors get extra days at home whenever possible. For example, instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home), Seniors get 4/3 9/5 (4 days at the base, 3 days at home, then 9 days at the base and 5 days at home along with their team)

Nonetheless, despite the fact that our current mission does not require maximum capacity, our battery commander was daring enough to enforce a change in the policy of awarding seniors, which has been active ever since this battalion had been formed.

Senior soldiers including Alpha commanders (who've become victims of the policy as well) have set up several meetings with the battery commander and other officers (platoon commanders), laying out the arguments, explaining why awarding them with home release is important. The battery commander, however, refused to listen and insisted on equality - nobody gets extra days at home. He blamed the seniors for not doing enough for the battery. "Your job is to motivate the younger soldiers, to teach them of your experiences and serve as a good example for them. Instead, what you do all day long is sit on your butts in your rooms, watch TV and sleep all day long."

29th November, 2005

I feel like I MUST buy Angel a present. On what occasion? No occasion. She simply deserves it! I haven't given her a gift for a long time now. With her, everyday is like a special occasion. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I'm gonna buy her a gift today.

A few days later I received an SMS from Angel. She was thankful, telling me that I shouldn't have.

How would I describe my relationship with Angel at the moment? It's quite unclear. Over half a year ago she decided that it'd be better if we felt free to date other people. For how long? How long will our relationship will be in a suspended state? I wouldn't know. I only know this - I would do anything it takes to be with her, so if she ever decides that we're back together again, I will undoubtedly say yes!

12th December, 2005

Natalie contacted me. She says she's now in love with Dima, a guy she'd met online, he lives far away in the south, but after almost a year of contact they've finally met. I'm glad to see that she moved on.

She asked me if I could meet her and watch a movie together. For some reason, I felt like it was an offer I couldn't reject.

19th December, 2005

I've been thinking about this meeting with Natalie. When we were together, she was easily tempted to make out with other guys. What if the same thing happens with me?
How serious is her relationship with Dima? Is he, like Angel, simply wishes her to be happy and prefers to have an open long-distance relationship?

*a knock on the door*

She came inside my house and gave me a warm hug. I felt a sudden chilling wave, accompanied by old feelings that I used to have for Natalie. As we were watching the movie at my place, she leaned her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her arms. I hugged her back. I don't know why, but it was incredibly pleasant. It felt like we've just started a new relationship.

Me: "You're very tempting, you know that?"
Natalie: "Am I?"

She looked down at my lips, I looked back at hers. The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, what I wouldn't give away to kiss those lips once again!"

Me: "I don't wanna do something you might regret later on, this is your decision."
Natalie: "no, it's yours"
Me: "Mine? I have nothing to lose. You're the one who might end up cheating."

A short while later we were sitting so close to each other that our lips were only a few inches apart.

Me: "What would Dima say?"

I don't remember if I received an answer or not, but an instant later we were making out.

I walked her home and we've parted. On our way home she asked me to forget about everything, but when we reached her place, she had a change of mind: "I'm a smart girl. I know how to use guys properly. I have a friend who listens to me, a lover (me) and a boyfriend (Dima) all at the same time."

Me: "You can't date both of us. You have to make a decision."

This is not right. I don't wanna be anybody's lover, to make girls cheat.

She says she truly loves him, yet she cheats on him and desired to keep on doing it in the future.

Me: "You must tell him. Your conscience will eventually force you to."
Natalie: "No, I won't! He'll kill you if I do. You know how strong he is?"

That's a disregard to my own strength. I hate it when a girl thinks that some guy is stronger than me.

We parted. The next morning I was back in the army again.

I'm really really drawn to her physically, but her stiff character eliminates any possibility of us ever dating seriously again.

Should it be my problem that she cheats on Dima with me? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't let her cheat like that. Either way, I'd better move on and find myself someone.

22nd December, 2005

A radio show called "Mother's voice" will arrive here tomorrow. It's a show that interviews soldiers all over the country. They broadcast it on "Galei Tzahal".

Tonight I received a phone call from the show, a woman told me she was informed that I have a good story to tell. Apparently, someone from the battery had told them about my relationship with Angel. Oh man, I've never been interviewed, let alone live on the radio! Yet, somehow I couldn't say no.

Something else worries me though... Where is Angel? She hasn't replied to me for over 3 weeks. I've tried calling her on the phone, but she doesn't answer it. Has something happened to her? No! I don't care anymore if she has some bad news to tell me, I just want to know that she's alright.

23rd November, 2005

The radio crew has arrived to our base. We all gathered up in the dining room at 11am. My broadcast was about to begin at 12:30pm.

We had only 2 minutes to get ready. Me and Gil were up next. Gil was interviewed first. He talked about his relationship with Daniela, our battery secretary.

At the beginning it feels so tense, but once you start talking, you gain confidence and it even feels great!

Tami, the show hostess, asked me about how I've met Angel, what brought us closer together, our common interests and my trip to Germany. It was hard to explain everything briefly in a very short time interval, but I tried my best. Overall, I think it wasn't bad.

Only after my radio appearance was through have I realized that most of the soldiers were laughing the whole time. I couldn't believe it, but somehow I didn't really care.

The radio show gifted the battery with thermoses, t-shirts and a big TV screen.

24th December, 2005

Angel's absence has been bothering me a lot lately. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I couldn't take it anymore!

My mom kept Angel's home number somewhere. She wrote it down just in case, when I flew to Germany to meet her.

I called her home. Her brother had answered the phone after a few calls. He handed the phone over to his mom. She said Angel's out with friends, that she's alright. I thanked her and wished her a merry Christmas.

Phew! That's all I needed to know. But I still wonder why she doesn't talk to me...

25th December, 2005

I called her again. No answer. I called her home - Her mother answered, said Angel's in the shower.

A few minutes later I received a message from Angel: "Please don't call me at home again." Geez! "Ok. When can I call you then? I wanna talk to you." She wrote that I can call her mobile in a few minutes.

I could finally talk to her... She told me how she plans to quit her job, because her manager gets on her nerves and mistreats her. When I asked her why she didn't reply to my e-mails, messages and phone calls, she gave me the following explanation: when at work, she can't use her phone and she'd always forget to write or call back and she hasn't checked her e-mail for a very long time.

Of course I really wanted to believe that it's all a series of coincidences, but something didn't feel right. There was obviously more to it. I wish I knew what exactly.

If she really loved me, she would think about me and wonder how I'm doing, if I'm alright. But she didn't. It's like she doesn't care anymore!

We've known each other for 2.5 years. She'd always let me know how much she loves me, but not anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this, but since November it's no longer the same. Could it be that she no longer loves me? Could this be the end to our relationship?

Maybe it was over in March... What if I simply failed to read between the lines?

I've set out to prove that true love exists, that distance is not an obstacle in a serious relationship. If 2 people love each other, nothing can stand between them. This love... it can last forever. My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm crazy, but I'm pretty confident in what I believe. "You'll see..." I tell them, "I'll be the proof of my own words."

It takes 2 to prove that theory. Don't change your mind, Angel. If you love me, give me this opportunity. Everything will work out!

The train at midnight

23rd September, 2004

As I woke up this morning, I noticed there was a note under the door. I thought maybe she left me a goodbye note in case I leave for the airport before she gets home from school. When I picked it up from the floor and read it, it said (these are the exact words): "Good morning, honey! So, I just wanted to tell you that I won't be home after school. I'd come home at around 4p.m. if you still are at our place. If you're not, please tell my mom that to tell me, so that I can stay longer (at friend's). Anyway, I wish you a good flight. Take care in the army! We'll soon meet again. ;) Love you forever. *Kiss*. Yours, Angel."

I didn't know how to react. I read it again a couple of times to make sure I got it right.

A while later I received a phone call from El-Al's agency. It's over now... The flight is at 7a.m. tomorrow in Munich. There are no trains at night, so I'll have to leave this evening. :(

Tomorrow at noon is Yom Kippur. If I arrive by noon, I might not be able to get back to the army as there are buses on Yom Kippur. This way I'll be able to stay at home for the weekend. I can't really imagine myself going straight back into the army after this trip. I'd better spend a few days at home first. Home? But I feel like I've got nothing to do at home, like my life's here with Angel. I don't wanna leave that life.

Angel didn't come at 4:30 pm. Instead, she called me to see if I'm still at her place. I wrote to her mother earlier today and asked her to tell Angel that I'm still here until tonight, that we have only a few hours left to be together, but she didn't forward the message to Angel for some reason.

I'm feeling so sad at the moment. I'm feeling like my life's over or something. Like nobody really cares! There is only thing that I need in my life, nothing else. This one precious thing can fill my life with so much happiness, it gives my life a meaning, a reason to go on living. This 1 thing is called "Care". I want to be important to somebody, to feel loved, to have someone interested in what's happening in my life, someone who gives me the respect that I deserve and the support that I need, whenever I need it. It's the way Angel made me feel whenever we'd chat. I'll be looking forward to it. I wish she could be this way in real life as well. It's all I ever wish for...

Of course, apart from this, there are plenty of reasons to keep on living and they'll keep me going... until I meet her again. It's a tragic day for me... I know I'm gonna miss every moment that I spent with her, I'm gonna miss this beautiful country and its peaceful atmosphere. Right now I can't feel it, but I know I'm gonna feel it soon enough.

Angel's still not home. Her whole family is. I try not to think about it because it makes me more and more upset. I decided to distract myself by watching some of her DVDs in her room.

She came home at 6p.m. She said she wanted to come earlier, but she'd missed the bus. It's okay. I can never be mad at her. Ever. She's home now and I can be with her for a few hours, it's all that matters now.

We had dinner and a movie: Braveheart. When the movie was over, it was time for us to get ready to go to the train station. Her mom took us to the train station. She waited in the car when Angel escorted me to the platform where I'd take the train to Munich.

"Platform number 9. This is where we first met." She said. 10 days ago I was right here, beginning my journey and now this is also the place where I end it. Our last 15 minutes are to be carved into my memory for an eternity. We promised each other not to cry. I held her tight and kissed her again and again, anxious at the thought of it being the last kiss. She gave me a goodbye present - it was a red heart the size of a palm.

More than a year ago, before I was drafted into the army, I used to send her all kinds of presents over the mail. One of the packages included a tiny, scented heart. This tiny little heart made her realize that she loves me. She thought it was a sign from me that I love her, but back then I didn't. I just liked her as a friend.

She still remembers that gift. She decided to give me a similar one in return. Is it a sign from her that she loves me, or does she feel the same way that I used to feel back then?

The train arrived. We hugged for one last time and said goodbye to each other. I felt like running back to her arms!

I entered the empty train and took a seat. It felt so lonely... I could skim through our pictures, I could hold her gift in my hands, but it would only make things worse. I was already feeling overemotional. It was hard for me, really hard.

The falling drops of rain, that were dripping down the train's window shall replace my tears.

I tried to distract myself from the pain I was feeling, tried to think of other things, but that wasn't easy either

Argh! How can I not think about her?! This is crazy! I hope to see her again in 6-7 months, in April 2005! :)

The song "Train at midnight" by Bad Boys Blue fits most perfectly to this particular part of my life

I arrived to Munich's train station. It appears that I had to take another train, this time to the airport itself, but the trains stopped operating at this hour. I had to find a way to get to the airport somehow...

I crossed the road and found an internet cafe. It took me a while until I found out how to get to the airport. I need to take a subway train, but the first train leave in 3 hours from now so meanwhile I should find myself something to do.

I remember that 8 years ago I played a PC game called Gabriel Knight 2. It was filmed here in Munich and this game really made me excited about visiting those places. As I was surfing the net in the iCafe store, I searched for the street names mentioned in the game and I located them on the map. Even though the time was 1a.m. I decided to walk around the city and find that street.

The streets near the train station were full of strip clubs, pubs and closed computer shops. The next street was deserted and completely dark. I can't say I wasn't concerned. You couldn't conceal your identity as a tourist if you walked with baggage and a photo camera. The photos didn't come out very well due to lack of light.

The next street had little illumination. A drunk man was heading my way... Nothing happened.

I found a bus station with a city map. Good thing I found it in the right place, I had to turn east to get to Marienplatz. After a while I found the place. It was a city square, as the name suggests. At first I didn't recognize the place, but then I saw the fountain and the subway station and it brought me back into that game, even though it looks differently in reality.































I walked down the stairs to the subway station. There were ticket machines, but everything was written in German. Very tourist-unfriendly, if I might say. I didn't know what buttons to press, how to choose the right route, anything. The station was empty, except for two patrol guards, several locals and a few homeless.

I went to the restroom. There was a guy behind me, heading there as well. That whole place looked dangerous. I had to stay alert.

When I entered men's room I was shocked to see a man's head on the floor of one of the cells. He was either dead or unconscious. I could only see his head sticking out the slit below the cell's door. The next moment I was out of there. Didn't want to get myself into any trouble.

I was standing next to the ticket machine, trying to figure out how to use it when I saw a few guys, male and female wearing elegant black, heading towards me. At first I thought they were a band, but later it turned out they were airport clerks on their way to Munich airport. Not only that, but they were also speaking Hebrew! I couldn't believe my luck! They helped me buy a ticket.

Finally I could ride a subway... It was my childhood dream. :)

The airport was huge! I followed these guys all across the airport into a small, isolated area. I'd once been told that they've decided to make a separate, isolated terminal for Israeli passengers. I find it very insulting. There was heavy security that have thoroughly checked our luggage and even asked us to take off our shoes. The was no duty free. Just a small shop to buy souvenirs and chocolate.

But first I had to wait outside the terminal with all the other passengers. Everyone was angry and upset. They wanted to get to Israel as soon as possible. Was I the only one in favor of the strike? :)

The plane left Germany. I felt sad and tired. I slept during the flight.





























We landed at 10:45a.m. but it took a while to receive the luggage. My mom met me in the airport and took me home. I arrived home and called my commander. It was 1p.m. He said I'm to stay at home for the weekend and come back to the army Sunday morning. Yes!!! 2 more days to spend at home! :)

Looking back, it was a wonderful journey. I enjoyed every minute of it. Now I hope I've earned the trust of her mother. Either way, Angel will turn 18 by March 2005 and in April she could come to Israel and spend a wonderful vacation here with me. Time is passing by pretty fast...

With this journey I proved myself that love has no boundaries. If you truly love someone, there is nothing that can stop you but your own will.

You can fall in love with someone over the internet, even if you have no idea how he/she looks like. It's all in your mind... and your heart.

Something we can't live without

22nd September, 2004

My commander Matan called me at night. I told him I'm still in Germany because of the strike, but he already knew that. He asked me a few questions about Germany and Angel. Then I asked him how they're doing there in Hebron. He said there's been some shooting and there's mess. Somehow, I didn't want to think about it on my vacation, but we didn't talk much about that. "Just don't forget to take pictures, you promised me!" "Yeah, sure, I have a lot of them." "Alright. Well, have fun." "Thanks, bye."

When I woke up in the morning, I received another call. It was my mom calling. She told me the strike is partially over. I called the El-Al agency and they confirmed that they strike has ended but asked me not to come to the airport. They'll call me and tell me when to come.

I figure it would take a while since mine is not the only flight that's been delayed, but I should be ready to leave any minute anyway.

I still can't believe that my prayers have been answered. I asked God for some more time with Angel, I told God I wasn't ready to leave yet... :)

As I think of my Angel and of the possibility that I might not see her for a long time, I feel that I love her soooooo much, and despite my recent concerns regarding our relationship, I know I'll stay with her even if she hurts me badly.

But it wasn't really her that hurt me, was it? It was the time limit that made me so anxious to see her as much as possible. I'd get upset whenever she spent an hour talking on the phone or had a long conversation with her mom, when she arrived home an hour or two later than usual and so on. I'm confident that this little problem won't hurt our relationship in the long term. ;)

Angel arrived home this afternoon. I couldn't really tell if she was happy to see me. It was possible that I'd have been on my way to Israel by now, but I couldn't really see if she cared that much. :(

A few minutes later she was on the phone, talking to a friend for like an hour. I was just sitting there, bored, waiting for her to hang up. After a while I signaled her that she's been talking a long time and that she should hang up, but it was only after a while that she actually did.

During her phone conversation she asked me if I want to come to Jenny's place and visit them all (to sit and watch them converse in German?!) I was angry and upset, but all I said is that I'll give her an answer a bit later.

This is crazy! I'm gonna get a call any minute now, asking me to come to the airport, say goodbye to Angel and not see her again for a long time, yet I can't find a minute of time to spend with her.

I decided it was time to have a talk with her. I explained to her that her feelings are important for me, that I want her to show her love, to show me that she cares about me, not only in chat conversations but in real life as well. If she does that, I would be so happy that leaving to Israel wouldn't be so depressing. :)

She said that she just doesn't do it and that it was one of the reasons why other guys didn't want to have a relationship with her.

Oh Angel! I held her in my arms and told her I would not be one of them.

I really hope she will eventually learn how to open up and show her feelings. I'm her first boyfriend after all and she probably just needs some relationship experience.

I know I can't live without it, though. I can't be satisfied with a virtual love confession.

* * * * *

We didn't do much today. I helped her with homework, we ate dinner and watched "Enemy at the gates", then she went to bed at 10:40pm.

I didn't receive a call from El-Al yet, but it's bound happen soon, I'm sure of it...

The time is running out

20th September, 2004

Today is our last day together before I leave tomorrow early in the morning, therefore I want to be with her as much as possible once she comes home from school.

There's only one day left for me to decide whether I come back to Israel or stay with her and start a new life.

I prayed to God, telling him I'm not ready for goodbyes yet, asking him for a sign to decide if I should stay or leave.

2 p.m. - She's not home yet.
2:30 p.m. - She's still out. Where is she?!

The phone rings. I don't answer it.

2:45 p.m. - I keep looking out the window, watching every bus come and leave, but she's not on any of them. I bang my head on the window out of despair. Where are you, Angel?!

3 p.m. - How long must I wait?

I tried calling her phone but then I remembered that her mom took it away from her. Argh!
I called her mom. She said she called earlier to tell me that Angel's coming late today, that she's about to come any minute now.

Angel arrived home at 3:30 p.m. It didn't look to me that the thought of me waiting for her for hours and going out of my mind had crossed her mind today.

She walked to the kitchen to get something to drink. I followed her and asked her where she's been. She said she spent time with Jenny at McDonald's. They ate dinner together and spent some time chatting.

"But why?! I don't understand it! Honey, it's our last day together! I know you haven't seen your friends in as often as you usually do, but after I'm gone you could see them for as much as you like. You won't be able to see me for a long time, though!" For the first time in our conversations I raised my tone.

I was disappointed and very upset, and the thing that made me even more upset was her silence. She just didn't say anything in reply.

I wondered what she was thinking about at the moment, and how she'd felt about the whole thing, but her feelings are rarely revealed to people.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm a bit upset. I was waiting here for you for a couple of hours, hoping we could spent time together. I don't want to fight or make you upset. Let's just forget it and enjoy the little time that we have left."

As I held her in my arms, she finally broke her silence and spoke: "I'm sorry. I just never talk about my feelings. I have a lot of feelings, but I never show them. I don't know why."

It's okay. She loves me and cares about me. It's just that she has difficulties showing it. But even if I know deep inside that she loves me, I can't let it be like this. She needs to show me love, to express it in some way apart from writing it in chat conversations, SMS messages or e-mails. When we used to speak on the phone, she'd sometimes say it as well, but it's not the same thing as saying it face to face! At least show it by kissing me first, by running into my arms or even by smiling romantically.

I keep wondering whether it's because she's never had a boyfriend before..

* * * * *

Her mother has invited me and Angel to an Italian restaurant. It was her goodbye present for me. I received a call from my mom on the way to the restaurant...

"I've got good news for you!" "Really? What news?" "There's a general strike and the airport is taking a part in this. There might be no landing flights as well as departing ones tomorrow."

I was shocked! If it's really so then it's a miracle! It's a sign from God which means that I should... stay?!

All the way to the restaurant I was thinking about the possibility of staying here. It seemed so surreal to me, yet so refreshing and wonderful. My mom is concerned about me, she obviously doesn't want me to do that. I don't think I can do it anyway.

We all ate Pizza at the restaurant. Some friends of theirs have joined our table. They spoke German most of the time so I didn't understand anything. But sometimes they'd say a word in English and I'd say something like: "Aha! Now I know what you were talking about!" :)

When we were back home, we watched a movie together called "Very Bad Things", then we both went to bed. Her mother decided we should sleep separately, even though we are to wake up at the same time in the morning. Maybe she's afraid I'd do something crazy and stupid on our last night together and then I'd runaway to Israel and no one will find me there... I don't know.

Anyway, I'm going to take the train back to the airport tomorrow morning, just in case. At the same time I'll try to reach the agency by phone and find out if my flight's been delayed.

In my arms for 24 hours a day

18th September, 2004

I had a delicious breakfast in the morning, it was bread with pork.

We took a bus north to meet other 2 friends of Angel - Sarah and Vanessa. We entered a shopping center and found the cafe where they were waiting for us. The view outside the window was amazing. Sarah was talking non-stop, making everyone laugh. Except for me because I didn't understand a word she was saying. But nevertheless, I enjoyed their company and Angel's constant smiling and laughing triggered by Sarah's endless jokes. Oh Angel, you have such a wonderful smile. One of a kind!

After waiting for 10-15 minutes until the waitress noticed us, she gave us the check and I paid for everyone. Sarah said something funny in German which had the word "Israel" in it. I asked them to translate it for me. Turns out she said the following: "Wow. I wish I had an Israeli boyfriend as well." Ha-ha, thanks for the compliment. :) If my behavior is gonna make people think better of my country then by all means I'll try to behave as civilized and polite as it is ever possible. It really matters to me what people think of my country and my nation, therefore it is very important that my country does its best to look good in the eyes of the world with justice and equality being its primary concerns.

Anyway, we parted with them and took a bus home. As we reached her flat, Angel realized she'd forgotten the key at home. We tried ringing the bell, but no one was home and so we were locked outside...

We were sitting on the bench outside her house for a while, then we took a walk around the neighborhood and stopped at a small, Italian restaurant where we both ordered spaghetti in sauce (with slices of pork). It was delicious. Angel was full before even finishing half of her dish. :)
















When she went to the restroom, I suddenly felt so alone. It was the giant difference between her absence and her magical presence. A minute without her was enough to make me realize how much I need her in my life and how much I'm afraid to lose her. I love her so much! I know I can't live without her!!

We came back home, but no one was there so we decided to go to town.














































I bought Angel and my mom a beautiful necklace. I wanted to taste all kinds of berries that aren't available in Israel, and while picking the fruits I saw some fruits with a sign: "Imported from Israel". We bought some black and red currant. I can't remember when was the last time I've eaten currant. :)

After a while we bought ourselves ice cream, walked some more around town and then took a bus home.

It was getting dark, but no one was home yet. We decided to sit on the bench for some more. We joked around, did all kinds of silly things, messed with the camera, chased each other around the backyard, lied down on the wet grass, kissing. The camera's batteries were getting low so we went to a nearby store to buy some. It was getting late so Angel decided to call her mom. Her mom told her that both her brother and herself were staying overnight at friends!!! We'd have waited all night! Oh man, we'd have had the whole day and night to ourselves if only we had the key... But who knew?

Her mother's plans have changed. She had to come home and open the door for us, so she brought her sister and her daughter along. They stayed overnight with us.

We went to the bedroom and watched "Big". It's a good classic. But halfway through the movie we were falling asleep as we were terribly tired from the long day.

Even though I was extremely tired, I wanted to lay awake for a while and enjoy being in bed next to her for the 2nd and last night of the weekend. She rejected the idea and wanted to sleep. Somehow I felt hurt to be rejected that way. I told her that, but no reaction followed. That hurt me even more. I'm sure it wasn't her intention, but it felt like: "I don't give a damn if you're hurt or not" :( We woke up with our backs turned on each other, even though I was holding her a little while we were falling asleep. If we've never had a fight until now, this incident was the closest thing to it.

If you fight once, you're most likely to fight again. I don't want it to happen. I want to put my best efforts to making this relationship work as flawlessly as possible. It'll work out... It just has to!

The value of life when love's present

16th September, 2004

I took a walk to the town center this morning. The weather was great - cloudy and sunny with a light cold breeze. Everything seemed so clean - the sidewalk, the cars, the houses. Even the air was fresh without any smell of gas. In short, walking the streets of Regensburg was really enjoyable. :)

































I was mostly looking for a flower shop and a jewelry shop. I wanted to buy her a (relatively) expensive ring as a symbol of my strong love to her. There's a wedding ring, there's an engagement ring... well this one would be a... pre-engagement ring. A virtual-engagement if you like.

Although I found some nice and beautiful rings, I didn't know which ones would fit her fingers. In the end, I decided to take the risk and buy one, which was in my opinion the most beautiful (in the right price range). It was 8 carat gold for a decent price. I would never buy my precious Angel anything cheap!

After buying the ring I headed back home. I wanted to get back in time and get there before she does. On my way home, I entered a flower shop and bought her a bouquet of 10 flowers which I manually chose. The saleswoman didn't talk English, none of the salesmen which I've encountered in the last 2 days spoke English. But it's okay. I've managed. :)

German schoolkids were coming back home. I have to admit, many German schoolgirls are very pretty! But I don't care about it. :) I have my own pretty German schoolgirl, Hehe!

Even if she weren't pretty, I still wouldn't consider finding someone else. =)

* * * * *

I was getting late. She was going to get home soon. I decided to take a shortcut and walk the parallel street, even though I didn't really know where I was going. No matter how far I've walked, I haven't seen her flat anywhere. It was already 1:45pm and with every passing minute I was becoming more and more nervous.

I wanted to get home before she did so I would change clothes into something more elegant and romantic, hide the ring and make her a pleasant, after-school surprise! :)

At last, I reached her street and found her flat. Apparently, I was going the right way. I just forgot how far away from the town center her home is.

I went up the stairs and entered her apartment. Phew! She wasn't home yet. :)

I quickly changed clothes, hid the ring and waited until she came home. I could see the bus station out the window. It had only been a matter of a minutes before I saw her walking out of a bus, walking home... I kept wondering whether she's anxious to see me, every day impatiently waiting for the school-day to end? I know I would've. :)

She walked upstairs, opened the door and... SURPRISE! I greeted her with a bouquet of flowers and a big, warm hug. "Welcome home, honey!"

It took her a short moment to react. She thanked me for the warm welcome and told me about having a bad day in school. It didn't matter to her anymore as she was now happy.

She then changed her clothes and put on a sexy, red dress. We've kissed and embraced each other with wonderful, relaxing music playing in the background.

After an hour she wanted us to go to the newly opened Burger King restaurant to meet her 3 best friends, Shelly, Jenny and Clara. It was really fun! They talked in German most of the time, and I didn't talk much at all. Clara was talking so fast, telling jokes and making everyone laugh. She'd translate them for me sometimes. I liked her friends, they're very nice people. :)

Angel and I took a walk beside the river. We took a sit on a bench and had a wonderful view of boats and buildings, the quiet river and a flock of birds flying around. It was extremely beautiful, but it was twice as beautiful thanks to her presence! =)

We visited a big shopping center called Muller and bought ourselves 3 DVDs to watch in the evenings. It was "The Frighteners" "Big" and... "Braveheart". I don't know if she likes such movies, but since it's one of my favorites, I decided to take a shot.

The shop closed and we had to leave. We took a walk to a park east of the town center. We just sat there for a long while, talking about life, about us and everything else. There we exchanged the sweetest words and assured each other that we will always be together, no matter what. She told me she cannot imagine her life without me. I feel the same way.

We went home and watched "The Frighteners" while eating Lasagna in bed. It was only 10 minutes until the movie ended when she had to go to bed after her mother insisted for several times that she does so.

Perhaps her mom doesn't want to fall asleep without making sure that her daughter is safely sleeping separately from me.

Well, at least there's good news - her mom allowed Angel to sleep in her room on the weekend. That'll be cool! :) I went to bed and somehow forgot about the ring... I will give it to her tomorrow.

Am I dreaming? Rub your eyes again!

15th September, 2004

Angel came home from school this afternoon. We had 2 and a half hours before her mom came back from work. We spent most of it lying in her bed, kissing and holding each other with some romantic music playing in the background. I wish it could last forever!!! :)

We took a walk to the town to meet Shelly - Angel's very close friend who works there at Burger King. She introduced us to each other and then they talked in German most of the time. I just stood there, looking around, being all quiet and shy.
















After walking around the town center and visiting a few shops, we took a walk to the bridge that took us across the Danube river. The view was fantastic... We were all wet after the falling rain and we both felt cold.





























































We kept walking around town until we reached a quiet park. Although the benches were still a bit wet, we sat down and kissed. At that moment, I wished, AGAIN, that the time stopped... at least for a few years!

It was getting dark and cold when we walked back home. We put a pizza in the oven, brought ourselves big glasses of wine, lit a few candles in the dark and made ourselves a perfect romantic atmosphere. We sat on her bed and watched our common, favorite TV series together on the DVD, kissing each other in between.

It was getting late. We were tired and sleepy, but the TV series were still on. As we were lying in bed and holding each other, she pressed her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes. It felt so romantic! I'll never forget this wonderful, magical moment! Although it was time for her to go to bed since she had school the following day, it felt like nothing mattered to her anymore whenever I hold her in my arms! I'm not sure that it's how she really felt, but that's the way I felt it. :) She's amazing and I SWEAR I WANNA BE WITH HER FOREVER!!!!!!!! I thank God for this great week, for it was worth all the suffering that I've experienced in the army. Oh, I wish I could stay here in Germany... How can I leave her, even for 1 minute?! It's hard enough when she's in school! I love her soooooo much! I hope that no matter how hard it's gonna be, love won't eventually kill me. I cannot imagine my life without her.

Only if we manage to get used to chatting again we will be able to wait for each other again until the next time that we meet.

This is the morning of 16th. I'm alone again, thinking about her and writing all this. I'm very excited to be here, to live this dream and am definitely looking forward to spending time with her today. :)

Angel left me the keys to the apartment this time. Now I'll be able to walk around town while she's in school. I'm gonna spend this morning to buy her flowers and something else that I want to give her.....

A two way ticket to Paradise

13th September, 2004

It's Monday evening now. Tomorrow I will finally fly to Germany and meet Angel!!!
They released me home this evening because the flight is tomorrow morning.

The sun would set and mark the last day of waiting. Tomorrow's sun will shine on a wholly different world.
















I got home at around 8:30pm. Angel was online. :) I packed all my things. Hope I didn't forget anything.

At the end of each month I received 700NIS from the army. This is the salary of a combat soldier. After a year of military service, I had enough money for the trip. With 900 Euros in my pocket, considering the fact that I'll be staying at her place most of the time and wouldn't spend much money on hotels, I could afford myself a great trip!

14th September, 2004

It is my first flight alone. Actually it was great... and pretty easy! I encountered no problems whatsoever. I bought them some gifts in Duty Free. An advanced calculator for her younger brother, a travel book about Israel in German language and a webcam for Angel so we could video chat occasionally! I also brought my own music cd for Angel and 2 shirts that my mom asked me to give them - for her and her mom.















































The Skyline of Israel
















The Skyline of Germany.

When I arrived in Frankfurt, I met 2 Russian guys who agreed to help me and show me how to get to the train station. Angel told me yesterday that the train leaves at 1:52pm and the next is at 3pm. My plane landed at 2:05pm local time, so I missed the 1st train.

After the final security check I had just 20 minutes until 3pm. I received my baggage pretty quickly, but the Russian guys were still waiting for their own. I couldn't wait much longer. I thanked him and took a running towards the exit.

There was no sign outside the airport that would direct me to the train station. I asked someone on the street, but he was unsure and gave me the wrong directions. I decided to ask someone else. The next one showed me where to go. In less than 10 minutes I bought the ticket and found the right track. :)

The train brought me to Nurnberg at 5:30pm. I had to switch trains and find track #8 in less than 6 minutes as it was leaving at 5:36pm! I started running, asking people, trying to find it. Eventually it was right in front of me. Phew... I took the train to Regensburg, the final stop where Angel will be waiting for me.

The view outside the window was fantastic! The whole country is so green and beautiful, just like a fairytale. The train moved past small villages with beautiful European houses and churches. This peaceful place came in such a contrast with the world of conflict and violence where I had been just a few hours ago.
















Oh, how I wish I could live in a peaceful environment for a change. With no enemies wishing for my death and my country's destruction, without the hatred of half the world, a place that invests in culture and education instead of military technologies and development.

* * * * *

The train was moving fast. I was so nervous. It was now a matter of minutes before I finally meet her. I tried to calm myself down by listening to music, but it didn't help, I was way too nervous!

I wasn't ready for it yet, but the train stopped. The sign outside the window suggested it was time, time to get off the train and meet her. MEET HER!

The great moment that I've been so eagerly waiting for (for 20 months) has finally arrived!

I walked out of the train and looked around. People were walking out of the train, periodically blocking my sight of a beautiful Angel who was standing next to the other doors of the train, anxiously waiting and innocently looking. She was wearing a red shirt and an open black sweater.

In my memories the time slowed down at that moment, but in reality it lasted only a few seconds. I started walking towards her with my baggage. She noticed me and smiled. I put the baggage on the ground and hugged her tight. Even though we've never met before, we hugged each other like we've known each other for years. I felt a pleasant sensation in my whole body, the feeling of holding someone you truly love.

We walked up the stairs and left the station. During our first few minutes together we didn't exchange a word. We were too excited to speak. She was nervous and didn't smile while walking with me to the bus stop. She says she doesn't smile too often in real life even though she's feeling very happy on the inside. But her smile is one of an Angel's. No one else's smile makes me feel the way her smile does.

I expected myself to be speechless and shy, but to my own astonishment, I talked to her a lot and we had a wonderful conversation. When we arrived to the bus stop, we decided it would be best to walk to her home by foot. I wanted to get used to her before I meet her family so that I wouldn't feel a complete stranger.

The baggage in my hand was a bit heavy, but I've managed to carry it all the way to her place, switching my hands from time to time. We talked pretty much about everything and I managed to make her smile and laugh, despite all the difficulties of speaking a foreign language. We both spoke English. It was a great experience for both of us.

The city of Regensburg is very beautiful to my taste. The conservative buildings from the 18th century, the perfectly clean streets, the clean air and fine weather - it all made me feel like I was living a dream. An Angel was giving me a tour in Paradise!

We arrived to her place. Her house is a new building, built in European style with a red, triangular roof. She has a beautiful apartment. Her room is beautifully decorated with posters and various artifacts. She has a lot of books and CDs. She owns a TV, VHS, DVD, Stereo and N64. Her computer is in the hall.

Her mom and brother have greeted me. I handed them the gifts. They were surprised and happy to receive them. I didn't talk to them much, even when we were eating dinner together. They don't know English that well. They kept talking in German all the time and I must admit it was somewhat uncomfortable at times.

The meal was spaghetti-bolognese and that's it. No drinks, no salads, no bread. But that's okay. Spaghetti-bolognese is one of my favorite dishes and by the time that I finished it, I was completely full.

After dinner Angel took me to town. We walked in empty streets, the shops were all closed, but as we were walking together, holding hands, there was nothing that could ruin the romantic atmosphere. There was an open ice-cafe restaurant where we decided to stop. We've had a drink. I was not used to the low numbers when buying things in Euros, so I gave the waiter a tip of 3 Euros while the two drinks had cost us only 7. He barely even served us a single drink. :)

After having a drink we walked to the park. I wanted to find some romantic place where I could give her our first kiss. She's never been kissed before by a guy. Since she would probably remember her first kiss for her whole life, I wanted it to be somewhat special. I couldn't wait to break the ice - I wanted to hold her endlessly in my arms and kiss her over and over again!!

We couldn't find any parks. I thought she was supposed to know the parks in her city. Then it started raining... We found a quiet place with benches. We sat down and I hugged her. As we were sitting there she didn't look at me once. She just sat straight with her hands on her knees. I held them. I kissed her cheeks and hugged her closely. The silence turned it into an uncomfortable atmosphere. We started talking about things, though we both were eager to kiss. I hoped she would look at me, otherwise her lips seemed so far away. She was probably too shy and excited to look at me. It was time. I kissed her lips under the falling rain. The sweet sensation that I wished could last forever... It was 10:45pm. We had only 10 minutes before we had to go back.

We took the bus back to her place. She had to go to bed and wake early for school tomorrow morning. It was hard to part, even for the night.

She made the bed for me in her room and went to her mother's room to sleep separately. Her mother forbids us to sleep together. I hope that she'll get to know me better and trust me in the following days...

I slept for 6 hours. Maybe it's because I'm used to sleeping that much in the army, or maybe it's because I couldn't afford myself wasting precious time. After everyone had left the apartment I sat down at the desk to write all this.

Wish me luck, for I have so much ahead!!! :)

In Good Hands

21st August, 2004

As usual, on Saturday you get a day off, but in my case it really didn't matter much - Here in Telem we patrol 3 hours at night and that's it. I slept a lot, and in the evening we played soccer until something happened...

Even though it's Saturday and we're not wearing our uniforms, we have our weapons and the radio with us all the time.

Or heard the emergency code-word that meant there was a terrorist activity somewhere in our region. We all ran to the house to get ready. The radio updated us with some details: It turns out, our battery commander's jeep was fired at. We had to patrol in the settlement until things calmed down. After 2 hours we were told it was false alarm - Gil (our battery commander) heard an explosion. He thought it a blown up tire, but when they checked the vehicle, they found a bullet-like bump, thinking that they might have been fired at... with 1 bullet? Eventually, it turned out to be an old bump and a false alarm.


22nd August, 2004

I called Lital. It appears that Dror shouldn't have handed the papers to the regiment commander. He has to sign when the documents are fully filled in and signed by all the required sources. He should have given it back to Lital and only after additional procedures, the major would sign it. She said she'd be back at the base this evening and that I should call her tomorrow.

23rd August, 2004

Or and Yair decided to do some charity work for the settlement - seal all the holes in the fence that surrounds Telem. We've been working for a few hours in this unbearable heat until we've finished it. I expected some kind of a reward after we're done... what was I thinking?!

I called Lital. She said that she's been assigned to work at the kitchen today but she'll give the papers to Dror. (Yes, sometimes desk-work soldiers have to work at the kitchen too, but only 1 person per day, whereas our battery has to send 3-4 each day. As a result, some of us end up being in the kitchen 2-3 times a week.)

Dror called me and I dictated him some details that should be added or fixed. He gave it back to Lital, who said that she will sign everyone involved and I'll know the results when I call her tomorrow.

Another incident happened today - a militant fired towards an Israeli vehicle while he was driving on the road connecting Telem, Adora, Hebron and Kiryat-Araba with Kiryat-Gat and the western part of Israel. A boy was injured in the incident, although he wasn't hit by a bullet. We had to stay alert and patrol additional 4 hours until things calmed down. The militant had managed to escape but his weapon was found, along with 5 bullet casings.

24th August, 2004

Lital asked me when exactly I have a regila. "On 13th, but also tomorrow with my team". She said I should call her tomorrow.

I called Angel after realizing that I may not be able to receive her messages since she's in Croatia. She said she didn't receive mine either. But all that matters is that she's alright and that she's having a great vacation. =)

25th August, 2004

Even though today was the day that I finally got home, it was a bad day.
I couldn't reach Lital. All the desk-work soldiers have been sent to a country club vacation.
Yair told me to come back on Friday (on 27th) for the weekend, because they're in need of more soldiers. Turns out I don't have 2 free weeks. I have my regular 5 days split in two (25-26) (29-31), without the weekend. We were released home at around 5pm. I got home at the end of the day at 8:30pm yet it counts as a day off. *sigh* But at least I'm home and will only stay 12 days in the army before flying to Germany!!!

27th August, 2004

Just 5 minutes after I arrived back to Telem, I was taken to the AV for a 3 hour patrol. That's called efficiency. Not once do they use us soldiers to our maximum capabilities. No, not once, but quite excessively.

No news from Lital. I still can't reach her. Yair told me that Gil, our battery commander, had signed the papers 2 days ago, that everything is fine. Let's hope so...

Yair is a good guy. He's our platoon commander. Never have I had a better platoon commander before. He's a very kind guy with a good sense of humor. He helps us whenever he can. He too has a girlfriend who's now in India on a trip. Maybe, in some way, he knows how I feel.

I cannot stop thinking about Angel. She's amazing! I know I haven't met her yet, I have never seen her in person, but that's what makes our relationship so special. In our 18 months of long distance relationship we've never had a single fight. With each passing day our bond was becoming ever more stronger.

I've never missed someone the way I miss Angel, filling the void with dreams of the two of us together. Thinking about all the beautiful places we'll visit, all the great things that we'll do together. These thoughts alone make me happy and content.

I don't care if nobody really gives a damn about me here in the army. I don't care how long I will have to endure this military-slavery, as long as there is one person in this world, one special person who cares about me more than this whole world altogether could ever care. I will devote my whole life to making this person happy, for there is no better happiness than the way she makes me feel everyday.

16 more days... and I will prove to her beyond all doubt that our dreams can become reality.

Nothing will stand between us

15th August, 2004

I talked to Yair on Sunday evening. He said that it most likely won't be a problem to release me on September 15th! That's great news! I asked him if it's possible to release me on 9th, switch with one of the soldiers from the 1st platoon or something. He replied negatively, saying that it will be difficult to do and may cause all kinds of problems. (If I switch vacations with one of the soldiers from the 1st platoon, things won't be organic anymore. When I'll be at the base, my team and another team from my platoon will be home and I'll be with the 1st platoon most of the time even though I don't belong there.)

Yair said I'll know the final answer tomorrow. I really must hurry, because my mom will fly abroad in 4 days and won't be able to order tickets. (She knows much better than me about all the tour agencies, where to find the cheapest available flight and so on) I might be sent to a pillbox again on 17th and won't be able to send the papers on time as I won't be at the base where the desk-work soldiers are.

While I was guarding and patrolling, I suddenly noticed an officer standing near the guarding post. He told me he was standing there for quite a long time, checking how well I guard by sitting a meter from the post, throwing a rock to the bushes and all kinds of things. He said I should be more alert, not for his sake, but for the sake of protecting the base.

That shocking encounter definitely made me more alert... more alert to bored and annoying officers that sneak on soldiers at night! ....... *sigh* 4 hours of guarding is so boring and tiresome, especially at night. How can he expect me to be concentrated all the time?!

















16th August, 2004

This evening Yair finally gave me the dates! 13th-20th September. I called my mom and she started looking for available tickets for these dates. It's not easy to find tickets for specific dates, and ticket availability is not a certainty especially since Rosh Ha Shana (the Jewish new year) is celebrated on 14th.

I sent an SMS to my sweetheart and asked her to find out if her mom lets us travel, stay in hotels and let her skip school for 4 days.

The night of 17th. It was 2:15a.m. I was guarding at the bunker with Ofir when I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it on my old (Samsung 624) cellphone. She talked to her mom and these are the results: Her mom won't let her skip school at all, but I can stay at her place and wait for her to come home from school everyday, and on the weekend we can travel somewhere and stay in a hotel.

Thinking about it thoroughly... What will I do at her place all by myself? I'll fly to Germany and have only 7 very short days every minute of which I'll want to spend with her.

Will they really let me, a complete stranger, stay alone at their place? Will her mother let us go to a hotel on the weekend? I sent 4 messages to Angel asking her to talk to her mom, to try and convince her in various ways to let her skip school for just these 4 days or otherwise it just won't work. It's the beginning of the school year anyway. Nothing useful is taught on those days.

In other words I was very disappointed about it. At first it was planned that she'll come to Israel and I'll show her the whole country and make it an unforgettable experience, but her mother forbid her to come and left us with one alternative - I come to Germany. Now her mother is making it even more difficult.

From 2:15 until the end of my guarding shift at 6a.m. I'd been thinking about this problem, hopefully the last obstacle to our dream-meeting. I don't wanna cope with seeing her for only half a day. I asked Angel to e-mail me as soon as possible, and also to tell me what time I could call her.

I had to pack - move to Telem. Now I can't send the papers. I'll only be able to send it on 24th, the last day before I go home. (We're usually taken to the base on the day before going home. I might not be able to visit the base until then.)

I received Angel's e-mail. "Maybe we should see each other in April" she wrote. "I will be 18. Independent from my mother."

She was probably in despair after my messages. She wrote she felt hopeless, that it would be pointless for me to stay at her place while she's in school.

I can imagine myself sitting at school, half-listening to the teacher, knowing that there's a girl who came all over from Germany just to be with me and is waiting for me at my home while I'm stuck in school... and not just a girl, but the girl I'm in love with.

My mom offered Angel to talk to her mom and try to sort things out, but Angel said it won't help.

I was in despair.

When I arrived to Telem, I had a phone talk with my mom. I told her that I would still meet her. It doesn't matter how little time I will have to share with her, I'm going to meet her no matter what. Eventually we will find a solution. Maybe her mom won't be that strict when she meets me. But my mother suggested that I find a girlfriend in Israel. That's what everyone tells me! I feel like I had lost my mother's support. Now there's absolutely nobody who supports me on meeting Angel. I feel so alone, so sad. Soon Angel and mom will both fly abroad and I'll be alone even more. =(

It's tearing me apart. I hope Angel's not feeling that way. We should both stay strong, everything will work out just fine...

I called her and we had a long conversation and it was worth every second! =) I'm very very happy now. We might be able to rent a hotel in town and she'll only have 3-4 hours of school everyday. She told me she suggested that we meet in April because I wrote "It won't work" in one of my SMS messages. But it would work! I was wrong! I was just very disappointed and I didn't want to accept the bad news last night. All is great! Except the phone bill... It's not too high, but is not okay either.

As I said: everything is going to be alright. We finished our conversation, both feeling very happy. I'm gonna meet her and it will be grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!! =)

And the answer is...

3rd August, 2004

No. Apparently it was not my last AV patrol. We arrived at Hebron's bridge. The bridge connecting Hebron and Halhoul had a pillbox (watchtowers here are called "pillbox") in the middle, overlooking the bridge. It was constructed after several violent incidents, one of which involved throwing a washing machine on Israeli cars down the bridge. Between the two cities, below the "north-south" bridge there's a "west-east" road connecting Israeli cities of Kiryat Gat with Jerusalem, and Kiryat-Arba (a very big settlement near Hebron). There is also a Palestinian Coca-Cola factory near the pillbox.

Matan stopped a car near the factory and waited for something. I had to stand outside the AV and guard him for about an hour and a half. After an hour, he lost his patience and we left the car keys and the IDs of those who were in the car at the pillbox. Police borber guard soldiers came a while later and arrested the men as the vehicle was identified as stolen.

















Later on we did a checkpost on the bridge. Palestinian photographers came and took pictures of us checking cars. It looked as if they were waiting (if not begging) for us to do something illegal, show some form of brutality.

















The next vehicle was a bus full of Palestinians. Matan asked me to accompany him. The moment we went up the bus, the photographers started acting like paparazzi, pushing their cameras through the windows, taking dozens of pictures. After checking the bus, I asked one of the photographers what paper these pictures were for. He said he's independent and these pictures go to all the papers - Ma'ariv, Yediot, Haaretz, etc. The next day I checked the papers out of curiosity - what could they possibly write about us? There was no article. It didn't really surprise me.

4th August, 2004

Tonight we set an ambush beneath Telem, sitting quietly and hidden, ready for any possible attack. But it's nothing special really. It seems like a waste of time - no Palestinian militants ever walked there, no warnings of planned attacks were reported. Maybe it's just a way to use soldiers at maximum - let them guard night and day and rest a minimum of 4-6 hours, it's not like they can do much about it...

Ari is my sergeant or how should I call it... a sub-officer? Some commanders become sub-officers after serving a certain period of time in the army. Ari was the commander of my team and when Matan joined the battery he became my commander instead and Ari became a sub-officer. Anyway, Ari told me that the battery plans to give me a permission to fly to Germany at around 16th September just as I asked! =)

Angel's mom has ordered tickets to Croatia for 21st August until 4th of September. I won't be able to talk to Angel in that period of time and it might make things a bit difficult. It becomes more and more difficult with time as nothing is certain. When can she meet me? When exactly does the army let me fly abroad? Are there tickets available for those specific dates? What about Angel's school? (She's a year and a half younger than me)

I asked Ari to find out if they can let me fly abroad a little after Angel's arrival from Croatia. The first day of her school year is 16th September. I hope that her mother will let her skip school for 5 days (the period of time that I'll be with her, not including the weekend)
I can't wait to meet her and be with her for a week! It's going to be so great!!!

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, having a girlfriend from Germany whom I've never even met, flying abroad just to be with her for a week. A friend of mine joked about it: It's probably a 40 year old male named Jurgen who likes to rape little children. =)

5th August, 2004

This is the last day before we go home. I had an AV patrol and in the evening most of the battery (except the guys who're at home and those who guard) gathered at the house in Adora and we had a little celebration: Music, barbecue and soft drinks.