Fast Forward

After the last entry, I've stopped writing in my diary for about 3 months, however I still remember the more significant events of that preiod of time...






























The Car Assault

About a mile ahead of the roadblock, an Israeli car was assaulted by a Palestinian gunman. Luckily, no one got hurt. The windows were broken and the driver had managed to escape the assault, get to the roadblock and alarm the soldiers.

I was at the base at the time. It was at around 8pm in the evening. The alarm sounded from the communications room, the battery's commander team was, as always, the first to react.

Another team was assembled, due to the severity of this event. By the time we got there, there were already dozens of soldiers walking all around the place. Shattered pieces of glass lay on the closed road. Bullet casings and projectiles were found at the scene.

Our regiment's commander was also there. There were various forces from all over the place. A few minutes later, we joined our battery's commander and his team, and headed to a nearby village, located just about 150 meters north of the road.

We walked silently in the night, watching each other's backs and ready for anything.

As we reached the first few houses, some of us stayed to watch the road, the others entered the houses and started asking people whether they saw or heard anything. As expected, people denied having any knowledge of the incident.

I was the one watching the road. Some cars would pass by, we would inspect them and ask them if they know anything about the incident. They had no idea what we were talking about. I was quite surprised to hear their car radio playing Modern Talking. How rare is that?

We walked down the road. Gil, the battery's commander, inspected some more houses. Then we gave up the search and left the village. Maybe it was the regiment commander's call, it doesn't matter. Everybody left with empty handed.

How do you find them criminals? You'd need to search the whole village. Even then, nothing is guaranteed. You can't do nothing and wait until they murder someone and hope that this time you'll be there on time.

That way, more Palestinians will feel safe enough to inflict chaos on the Israeli roads, more people will get killed and the murderers will never be found.

First of all, there's the obvious need of maximizing army's chances of catching them in the act. There are many cameras being installed on electric poles and antennas, watching over the hills, the villages and the roads for any hostile activities.

In case they DO get away, the army should pursue them until they're caught... they mustn't feel safe once they committed a crime. Instead, they should count the days before the army gets to them.
















Four Sides Of The Fence

Before leaving Qalqilya in early March 2005, I've had several shifts on the AV patrol. One of our duties during the patrol was opening the gates for Palestinians.

What does it mean? It's only when I got there, I realized the absurdity of the situation. Just about a mile south of Qalqilya there's a fence... The thing is, it doesn't really separate the Israeli lands with the Palestinian ones. Instead, it separates some Palestinian lands and villages from the other. Each day, they are allowed to cross from one side to another at a specific time. At 4pm, we'd open the gates and they'd cross the road between the two fenced sectors. The same happens some time in the morning as well.

The fence was built that way in an attempt to include a settlement inside the Israeli side of the fence. Here's the map: (Red dots = Palestinian towns. Blue dots = Israeli settlements. Red line = seaparation fence. Purple line = 1967 borders.)













Note how much territory inside the west bank was planned to stay on the Israeli side of the fence, just because of a single, tiny settlement in the middle of that pocket.

But now as I can see, some of it has been fixed and parts of the fence were later dismantled as you can see on this updated April 07 map:
http://www.securityfence.mod.gov.il/Pages/Heb/map_heb.htm
Now some of those villages are no longer separated and the fence has been extended further east to include more Israeli settlements in it.

Hezbollah's aggression

Sometime around February, Hezbollah guerillas opened rocket fire on Israeli towns located along the northern border. Immediately after, we were informed to pack our bags and get ready in case we're needed there. Eventually, other forces were sent over there to deal with Hezbollah. Our turn to deal with them was yet to come...

Angel's visit

It's March 2005. We've finished our service in the Qalqiliya sector and moved on to the south for artillery training.

Matan called our team for some briefing and told us what's planned ahead. "Each week, two teams will be released home for a week. Our team will be released next week."

I asked my commander if I could switch with someone from another so that I could be released home exactly when Angel comes to visit. I informed her of the dates. It was time that she ordered the tickets.

Now it depended on her. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would all work out. I've been waiting for this for half a year.

Day after day have passed and I haven't heard a word from her. She wouldn't reply to my messages, she wouldn't answer the phone. What's going on? It's really important that we stay in contact.

Three days remained. It was still unknown whether I'll be allowed to postpone my release home by 1 week.

Eventually, I've managed to reach her by phone. I called her home number. Her mom picked it up and gave her the phone. Angel told me that she's trying to find a flight to Israel but there aren't any available. Those that are available, are way too expensive - over $700. No way. I called my mom and asked her to check this for me. Within half an hour, my mom found a flight from Munich to Tel Aviv for less than $500 with available seats.

I quickly informed Angel and told her I could even order the tickets for her if needed.

But it wasn't the flight. It was something else that stood in our way. "I'm sorry, I can't come to Israel." "Why?" "I have 2 important interviews in hotels. They'll determine my future career."

Yes, she's been planning to enter an apprenticeship program of 3 years and work at a hotel. I wondered why it couldn't wait. Soon enough she'd start working and she might never have the time to come visit me. I guess in some way it could be understood. I know that there's nothing that could stand in our way, as long as we choose to stay together, no matter what. But if we choose other things over each other, there's a chance we might lose this unique relationship. I'd rather find a solution that would make it all work.

The question is, how do we preserve one dream without destroying the others? There has to be a solution to everything..

I had to cope with the disappointment. At first I was angry and upset. My words to her didn't help the situation at all. But I told her I support her no matter what she decides to do in her life. We'll find a way to make it work. I just wish it weren't so sudden. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm searching for flights, I'm asking my commanders and officers to do everything they can so that I would be released home on time." "I didn't want to make you mad, to disappoint you." "Honey, but you know that eventually, you'll have to tell me everything. The longer you wait, the bigger will be my disappointment. Please, always tell me what's on your mind. Don't be afraid to dissappoint me, you know I can never really be mad at you."

I told my commander I no longer need to postpone it.

* * * * *

After a few weeks in the south, we were given our next task - 3 weeks in the northern Jordanian border, near Hamat Gader... The quietest border in Israel.

A rather boring month

12th January, 2005

After 3 (short) days at home, I'm back at the base. Our conditions have suddenly changed:

Instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home) it's going to be 11/3 with less soldiers to stay on weekends. That means that after each 8-9 hour roadblock each one of us has to guard 1.5-2 hours at the watchtower and that would leave us just about enough time to clean the base, eat dinner, take a shower and have some sleep.

No free time for reading books or watching DVDs.... yes, I've finally bought the DVD after scrubbing some more money from the battery. I bought a Vertex 312B for 500 NIS. Mahsanei Hashmal had only one remaining Vertex DVD for sale... the one that was on display! The guys didn't even agree to give me any discount, not even when I told them that it's being bought by soldiers' money and that the DVD is for the army.

I was really disappointed with that store, especially when we've discovered some malfunctioning.

Nevertheless, the DVD proved to be a success in the long term! Many soldiers watched movies and TV series after coming back from their guarding duties.

26th January, 2005

I was sent to the marksmen course in the Negev, back at the base where I had my basic training over a year ago.

I got sick 2 days ago and thought of going to the city officer (the one that gives soldiers the permission to stay at home if their problems are serious enough... or if they're good liars), but then I decided against it. As much as I wanted to miss the marksmen course, they've been planning on sending me here for over 2 months and I didn't want to disappoint them this way, even though I reaaaaaalllly hate this weapon!

When I arrived at the central station in Beer Sheva, I entered an electronics store to buy myself earphones for my mp3 cd player. That's where I met Vitaly. He was buying a beret in that shop.

He was my teammate when we were still in basic training. He used to be a pretty good marksman - he had this exact weapon and he's like never missed a targed. After passing the commanders course, he was assigned to be a shooting tutor back at the training base. I couldn't believe it, but my teammate was about to teach me how to become a marksman!

I can't believe I was given 500 bullets back in Qalqiliya to carry with me to the training base. It's a damn training base! They ought to have enough bullets, don't they? It smells like bureaucracy to me.

The training was only 1 week. We had a lot of time spent at the shooting range. There was another guy from B battery who was sent here to do the course. Only he was a young March '04 soldier. His name is Dor. He's a good, normal guy, unlike most of his 'zoo' battery.

We weren't only 2 soldiers in this course. We did it together with the rookies who've just joined the army - soldiers of Nov '04.

I expected to be treated with respect, but that wasn't the case. Above Vitaly and the other tutors stood a female officer of my age. She was July '03, I was August '03, yet she told me to do whatever all the rookies did - stand in formation, repeat the orders and so on. Yes, it was humiliating!

Lying down in the sand while shooting made us look as dirty and untidy as all the rookies.

There was one female rookie who started crying when she's missed her target. Poor girl, she shouldn't take it too seriously.

When we had to return to the base for lunch, 2 soldiers had to stay and guard all the eqipment. Nov '04 rookies demanded that either me or Dor stayed this time. There were 18 of them and only 2 of us. I'm sure not all of them had to volunteer and stay to guard.

But it was not my decision. Ehud was another tutor of ours. He was from March '02. He told us one of us should stay. "It's either you or him." Dor volunteered to stay, since he was a younger soldier than me. I was really angry at the decision! When I was a rookie, things were so much different...

We had a literal exam on the last day. I got 98 out of 100 and 86 was my final mark. In order to pass the course, you needed at least 70. Dor got 69, but they gave him a certificate anyway.

Taking a bus back to Beer Sheva wasn't an easy thing to do. There were like 80 soldiers waiting at the station. One bus came but didn't even stop as it was already full. Why did it bother coming here if he didn't even stop?

Another bus came. This time it was nearly empty. Everyone started pushing each other like animals, eager to get on that bus. All the desk-workers didn't have any heavy bags to put in the trunk so they were the first to occupy the seats.

It's usually the desk-workers who get first on the bus. The combat soldiers and whoever stays a long time at the base would sometimes have to wait for the next bus and hope to get on it for a change.

It was almost my turn to get on when I suddenly noticed that my beret was gone, thanks to all the pushing. I gave up my place in the queue and started looking for the beret, then I saw it stuck between two people who were on the bus. They didn't even notice that there's a beret between their bodies. I tried to get on the bus through the back door, but the bus was already full. The door closed right in front of me. It hit a soldier's leg and his magazine fell out of the weapon. The door reopened, but there wasn't a single millimeter where I could stand. I picked the magazine and gave it to him before the door closed again. The bus left and I had to wait for another one.

I tried to call Avi - he's one of the tutors who managed to get on the bus. He couldn't help me. He was on the other side of the bus and the bus was loaded with people. Shouting didn't help.

I got this beret from a 34km journey that marked the ending of basic training. Too bad I'd lost it so foolishly. Now I'll have to buy myself one. I remembered Vitaly buying a beret when I met him at the central station. I'll have to buy it, because if I get caught by the military police, I'll be punished.

An hour later there was another bus heading for Beer Sheva.

My commander had asked me to call him when I finish the course. He told me I'm heading to the home base in the Golan again for another week of guarding. I had to visit our base near Qalqiliya to pick my things before leaving for the Golan. At first I was in the center, then I was sent south and now I'm gonna head north.

When I visited the base, I asked if someone could borrow me a normal beret that I could use. (berets that you buy in shops are too embarrassing to wear. you need to shave them and wash them a lot to make the look normal.)

Michael, my officer, gave me his own and asked me to take a good care of it, because he received this beret from his commander as a sign of excellence after the last, 34km-long journey.

I said: "Don't worry, I had mine from basic training and I've never lost it." "but now you DID lose it." Yeah. I guess he's right. I love Michael for his good sense of humor and his positive attitude. He's really a great guy!

6th February, 2005

It's Sunday. Desk-workers came back from home.

10:40am - my cellphone wakes me up.
12:30pm - I go to the dining room for lunch.
01:00pm - Uh oh! No cellphone!

It was nowhere to be found. There were no doubts that it was stolen.

I suspect Kobi. He's a guy from B battery. I know him from basic training. He's the criminal type... stealing things, hitting people. The funniest thing about him is that he pretends to be friendly.

He once told us that one of his parents is in jail, that he used to take drugs...

He was in his room during lunch. I remember how he warned me & the others to keep our room and bags locked at all times because he doesn't trust the desk-workers who reside with us.

Ron, a new guy from my battery decided to help me. He decided to search Kobi's bags when he wasn't around. Then he and I unlocked 2 rooms of desk-workers and took a look around. I decided not to search their bags though.

I told the commander about the theft and about Kobi being a suspect. I asked him not to let Kobi know about it, but he told him anyway. I later found out that Kobi was trying to help me by searching for my cellphone, but then he stopped when he found out I was suspecting him. But maybe that was just another lie, to make him look less of a suspect.

Ariel, our regiment's discipline commander wanted to call a special interrogation agency that deals with theft and criminal offenses in the army, but they told him they don't deal with cases like that in which the stolen property is less than 5,000 NIS worth.

The cellphone was never found. It was kind of old anyway - A Samsung 624. It had a partially broken display. The thing is it wasn't insured and my mom still had to pay 700 NIS for it.

* * * * *

The bunker is a large field, surrounded by fence. There are trenches with ammunition all around it. It's perfectly fine to guard over there during daylight, but as the night falls, it becomes a perfect spot to shoot a horror movie.

Foxes walk around, their eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Their howls send a chill down your spine. There is absolutely no light, so you can't see anything unless you bring a flashlight with you. You can only hear strange noises, some movement around you, but you can't see what it is. You're all alone and everybody eslse is asleep.

Soldiers don't dare going to the bunker at nights, especially when you have guard there alone. One visit there was enough for me to decide, once and for all, to never go over there again.

Monday night... Instead of guarding at the bunker, people go to some empty room to sleep, hoping they wouldn't get caught, that no one would visit the bunker at night.

I went to C battery's barracks. They're the closest to the bunker. It's a U-shaped corridor of 12 rooms, most of them are locked.

I entered the 4th room on the left side of the corridor. There's light, there are 4 double beds to sit on. I put the weapon aside, put my vest on the floor and take out Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" from the pouch inside the vest.

I sit there and read Da Vinci's code, letting my guarding time pass by. I sit by the window. It's slightly open so I could hear if anyone's coming. The door is closed.

Suddenly, I hear some talking... footsteps... it gets closer! Someone's in the corridor! 2 guys.

I sit quietly, trying not to move at all. The room is empty and so every move makes a lot of noise.

I can hear them twisting the handle of one of the doors in the corridor. They're going from the right side. Locked. Locked. Locked. Another one locked... I go for the weapon, helplessly trying to wear the vest before they catch me here.

I see the door handle move. That's it! The guy twists the handle, but the door won't open!!! He keeps trying over and over again. My heart beats like never before! Then he leaves the handle and moves on to the next door.

Within a minute they were gone. Phew! Even then, I kept standing there for a couple of minutes, not capable of comprehending what had just happened.

A few minutes later, I opened the door and realized why the door didn't open: there was no handle on the other side of the door! There was only a metallic cylinder showing out. When I entered this room, the door was already open. I closed it from inside, when there's a handle, but no one could open it from outside. Phew! That was lucky!

After about an hour, I saw a car passing near the barracks. It could've been on its way to the bunker. What if they're looking for me?

I decided to go to the bunker to see if the car headed that way. As I approached the entrance gate, I saw a heavy cloud of dense mist, blocking my sight. I couldn't even see the bushes a feet away, it was crazy! I might not find my way back to the base. I changed my mind and went back to the barracks.

I still remember how once a fox chased me out of the bunker's watchtower. It was protecting its baby-foxes who were kept warm inside the watchtower. I could still hear its howl, getting louder with ever moment, giving me goosebumps. I could not see it, but I could hear it coming closer, howling louder.

People say that Guy Hever, a soldier who mysteriously disappeared and had never been found since, was guarding at this exact bunker the day he disappeared back in 1997.

10th February, 2005

It's thursday morning. I finished guarding and got dressed, ready to go home. Something's missing..... oh, no! Not the beret again! The beret?! It can't be! I've hid it deep inside my bag. I've looked for it everywhere, but I couldn't find it.

I had to borrow a beret again from a guy who came here to replace me. Michael wasn't happy to know I'd lost his, yet he kept smiling. I really felt bad about it. He found himself a different one and I later found myself one as well. Still, I couldn't help feeling really bad about it.

The various forms of inequality

14th December, 2004

Nitzan really knows how to piss me off. He never shuts his mouth. He's like the complete opposite of me in every way, and even though he's in my team, there are times that I just can't stand him anymore.

This time he was the worst! When we were at the roadblock, he laughed so much at Angel and at my relationship with her. "Are you telling me you're not dating any girls while you're... 'waiting' for her? You're so naive, it's unbelievable! She's probably f**king with dozens of guys and laughs out loud behind your back!"

It really amused him to know that while I bought her a DVD as a gift for her birthday, she sent me a self-recorded cassette on mine, which did not even arrive.

Matan joined the laughter and the argument against me. We discussed long distance relationships, the issues of trust and the possibility of cheating on the partner.

I could not convince them that I was right. In the case of my relationship I know I was, but they thought otherwise.

Like I care what they think? Let them think anything they want! I will prove to everyone that I was right! They'll see... When 2 people truly love each other, the sky is no longer the limit.

15th December, 2004

Another roadblock... I was standing behind the two vehicle selectors in the security standpoint and talking to Daniel, when I suddenly noticed something strange going on on the road ahead of us: A truck was coming towards us in excessive speed, driving like crazy, passing other cars in zigzags and signaling.

"Look!" He stopped the truck right before entering the roadblock and then stepped outside. A moment later we saw a Palestinian taxi-minibus stopping next to the truck. The guy who came out of the minibus was bleeding in his head. Blood was all over the left part of his face.

"Don't shoot!" We heard a voice from a megaphone - it was coming from a police jeep. Only then I noticed Matan loading his weapon, ready to shoot someone.

The Palestinian guy stopped. The truck driver was approaching his with some big metalic tool in his hands. It looks like a steering wheel lock.

The policemen intervened on time. They ran over there and prevented the two from killing each other. An Ambulance came about 10 minutes later. Then some other police guys came by, wearing gloves and taking all the evidence.

A short while later, we knew all about this story: The Palestinian threw stones on the truck of an Israeli-Arab guy, breaking two windows. The angry Israeli-Arab guy took that tool and hit him on his head. Now that I remember, blood was all over his shirt... Then they had a chase which came to an end at this roadblock.

Everyone who asked about the incident reacted by saying "oh, good!" the moment they heard it was a fight between 2 Arab guys.

It really bothered me to see some soldiers act in patience whenever they confronted Israelis in the roadblock, while acting in anger and hostility if it were a vehicle with Israeli-Arabs or Palestinians. Why the difference? Daniel and Matan both told me that they consider Arabs to be inferior to Jews. That Arabs deserve to be treated differently...

Somehow I think they feel the same about us, but I can't help wondering why people have to be so narrow-minded about this.

I know that everyone who carried out attacks on Israelis was from Arab origin, that there's no point to suspect Israeli Jews on roadblocks and inspect their cars. But I don't think that all Arabs deserve the same treatment just because they're Arabs.

I do agree that we as soldiers should be careful and prevent any attempts to hurt the Israeli population, but I don't think that to do that we have to compromise our manners.


* * * * *

My bro was talking with me on the phone and we ended up discussing my personal life. He told me I can't just pack the bags and leave the country once I'm out of the army. I should go study in the university, especially since I'm getting 24 grand from the army as scholarship. (Every combat soldier who's finished 3 years of military service gets about 24,000NIS that he can only spend on specific things + almost a 8,000NIS release grant) I agreed to everything he said. "We'll see...".

He said the army is the right place to think about my future. "Right. Anyway, I'll be home next week and we'll talk. Cya!"

For over an hour I thought about it... I must get myself a bachelor of science or something, but can I really wait another 3-4 years for Angel?! I wanna be with her!

If she is not going to come to live with me in Israel, I'll have to choose between her and... my career? I don't know what I'm gonna do. Should I move to Germany and study there? It all sounds crazy!

16th December, 2004

I'm still thinking about it. Should I find myself a girlfriend in Israel? But I love Angel terribly! Does love block my rational thinking? But I'll never find anyone like her!

She might not be the prettiest and sexiest girl on the planet, but her smile, her love to me, the things that we have in common and the everlasting will to devote our whole lives for each other leave me in no doubt that she's the one for me.

If only she'll want to live in Israel...


* * * * *

Today we had a policeman present at the roadblock. He was inspecting vehicles for other reasons... He'd ask us to direct certain vehicles for inspection. Then he'd write fines to some of them, for not wearing a seatbelt and whatever. Matan told him that he'd gladly send Arabs to inspection, but not Israelis.

The policeman asked Matan if there are any left-winged soldiers in the roadblock. Matan pointed his finger at me. The policeman looked at me and said: "I can see by his facial expression that he's a leftie". Matan looked surprised and started laughing. I wonder if he laughed at the policeman's stupidity or at my facial expression.

Am I left-winged? I guess all humanists automatically fall into that category. But there's difference between supporting justice and equality, and the political left. I'm not pro-Palestinian. I'm sure that if I were a Palestinian I would look at Palestinians the same way I look at guys like Matan.

During our shift, the policeman told us different stories of his past experiences with Arabs. There was one Palestinian worker who had no documents allowing him to work in Israel or even enter the Israeli territory (they're often referred to as "Shabahim"), he was caught by this policeman and refused to tell him the truth, making up stories about who he is and why he is in Israel. The policeman looked around, made sure nobody's looking and then he beat the guy until he told him the truth.


* * * * *

Me and Matan had so many discussions during that roadblock shift. We talked about God, about religious Jews, Russian immigrants. It made me feel even sadder.

It feels like the whole world had lost it. Why am I feeling sad at the sight of people being treated unjustly? Will it ever end? There will always be people like that and thus there will always be crimes and injustice. What's the point of feeling sad about it all the time? I should be happy and look at the bright side of this world, always try to be cheerful and hope for the best. That's what's worth living for. I love this world, I love all the people, and especially I love Angel.

Bless this world and may there be less suffering..

27th December, 2004

The free week was just what I needed! I feel like I've been reborn after 16 days in the army.

Prior to the vacation, I collected 5 shekels from every soldier in the battery in order to buy a DVD player (with DivX support) for our "club". We currently have a sattelite TV, but not often can you find anything interesting to watch. With a DVD player, everyone could bring various movies and series to watch, so it's definitely worth the 5 shekels everyone's paying for it.

I've had this free week to buy the DVD. I've been to various shops, but then I called Lior (who is also responsible for our battery's logistics) and he said that I should collect a few more shekels from everyone, because he can't afford to give me additional 200 NIS as he previously thought. Argh! Now I'll have to collect some more money from everyone.

In 2 months it's going to be February. March '02 soldiers are going to be released. We only have 2 of them in our battery. One of them is a "senior" soldier with privileges. There are 6 of them in the whole battery - they have a separate room, they're released home more often than others, they don't do regular guard shifts, they don't work in the kitchen or anywhere else, they don't clean the base every morning and evening and wake up early, they have their own Sat-TV, they can bring anything they want including a DVD and a PS2, but they also have bigger responsibilities... slightly bigger.

Who's going to take the place of that March '02 senior? Probably not me. I really wanted to be promoted to a senior, but there are too many candidates for the job. You have to be socially popular in the battery (everybody's friend), you have to initiate and devote yourself to the battery... am I?

All my commanders and officers told me that I'm a good candidate, but I found out that they told that to many other guys as well. 2 weeks ago, Haim, one of the soldiers in the battery, told me that in his opinion I don't fit the job, that being a good soldier is not enough.

I still remember how I stayed at night after a battery evening and washed all the dishes for over an hour without anyone telling me to do so. They all went to sleep, nobody really cared. I used to be the one to clean everything and do all the extra work, telling myself that one day I'll get something in return. Now it looks like I was wrong. Maybe it helped me with my flight to Germany... It surely was more important than becoming a senior! Yair later told me that it was really hard for them to authorize the flight, that they made it happen mostly because I am a good soldier.

Soldiers from March '04 have joined our battery. 3 of them have joined my team.

28th December, 2004

I'm being sent to a nearby base to guard there at the gate. It's the base where all the desk-workers of our regiment are located. Logistics, communications, munition, machinery workers, cooks, truck drivers etc. They can't even guard themselves now?

They claim that they don't have enough soldiers who are "qualified" to guard on the weekends! That's because they go home every thursday and only few of them stay the weekend. Argh!

There is also a platoon of Karakal over there. It's a platoon that's composed mostly of female combat soldiers. They volunteer to serve 3 years instead of 2 and they do about the same things that we do, except for the artillery stuff.

I really respect them for that, although I don't think girls should do this kind of service. Not because they can't do it, but because they'd better preserve their health and sanity. Somebody has to, right?

When I was at the dining room, I overheard a conversation between some desk-worker and a girl from Karakal. He said: "I'd like to see how you would handle the combat service as a male!". And that kind of belittlement comes out of the mouth of a desk worker, who comes home every weekend and does nothing but scratch between his legs all day long?!

I once wanted to be a desk-worker, now I'm glad I'm not. Some workers are really shameful. There are so many of them who don't care about anyone but themselves, who don't do anything useful during their military service, workers who cuddle all day long with their female co-workers, workers who complain whenever they have to guard 4 hours a day! One should listen to their pitiful complaints about their conditions in the army.

Asi, the new guy from my team, is the one that I'm swtiching places with. He was guarding here even during the week?! He showed me my room - there were 2 desk-workers there. One of them made sure I don't sleep in that room. He asked me to move to an empty room where there's no heating and mattresses. I moved there but took a mattress from his room, but the next day some worker came back from home and took it from me, saying that it's his own!

After a guarding duty at noon I went to the kitchen just to find out that there was no food left for me. Lucky for me, a friend of mine is a commander at this base. He convinced the cook to make me some food.


* * * * *

I'd hoped I'd be released for the new year. One of our battery's officers told the soldiers to make a list of all the Russian-born soldiers who wanted to get home for the holiday. Every Russian-born soldier was eventually on that list.

Israeli-born don't celebrate the new year. It's even called here by the name "Sylvester" - a Christian who murdered a lot of Jews back then.

That's stupid! It's not entirely a Christian holiday. It's an international holiday! The whole world celebrates it!

In the end, it was decided that we won't be released home for the holiday. As a result, 2 problematic Russian guys have escaped! One of them is a new guy from my team, his name's Slava.

Because of their selfish acts, our battery commander considered calling back 2 soldiers from their vacations in order to fill the gap.

Eventually, it was decided that we'll manage despite the shortage. We had to guard a few hours more each one, thanks to those 2 a**holes.

Most of the desk-workers went home for the holiday, even those who came to the base yesterday!

Ronen was brought here to guard with me as well. We guard here while all the desk-workers, including those who are "qualified" to guard, left home.

31st December, 2004

My mom visited me today and brought me some food.

I called Angel today.

I didn't celebrate the new year in any way. No one to celebrate it with. I only called some of my friends and family and wished them a happy new year.

I wish everyone a happy new year, 2005!

It's the first time in my life that I miss this holiday. I can't believe it's 2005 already! :)

The real meaning of trust

17th November, 2004

We woke up at 6am, packed everything and left for Qalqiliya.

It was a long and rainy day. There were a lot of things to unpack. Even when the whole battery's working together, it still takes hours. There's so much work, no wonder nobody likes moving.

Me and some others were assigned for the first shift at the roadblock. The roadblock was in fact miles away from the base, located on the 5th road - between Ariel and Tel Aviv.

A safari vehicle would take us there every shift. The thing is - a shift is 12 hours long! The drivers claim they have a lot of driving to do for other batteries and companies in this area in various hours, so switching teams every 8 hours would be impossible.

It was my first 12 hour roadblock, which I hoped would also be my last one. From 7pm until 8am, freezing cold under the heavy rain, we were standing there and checking vehicles, trying to stay awake. Lightning would occasionally light the cloudy sky and the sound of thunder would follow, pouring rain down on us.

What made things a bit easier for us was the AV patrol vechile. 6 out of 12 hours we took 2 shifts - driving around in the AV and hiding from the rain.

It was tough. After 27 hours without sleep, I'm sitting here and writing this entry. Soon enough, after we eat lunch, I will finally get myself some sleep. Frankly, I had 2-3 hours of sleep in the AV. I think we all did.

21st November, 2004

Apparently, that was the only 12 hour roadblock. Our battery commander took care of us and changed the driving shifts to 8 hours. Phew! Now the AV patrol is a separate mission.

During the last few days, ever since Ravit is present in the battery, I noticed sudden changes in my behavior. I try to act cool, be serious, work harder and be more careful when she might be around. Sometimes I notice how she looks at me, but she's like... one of our commanders!

There is a female AV driver that I'd see occasionally. The AV would stop by at the roadblock from time to time. I seem to act differently around her as well. :-\

I guess I want to be liked or even loved by girls that I like or care about. Angel couldn't show her love to me. Alisa, my x-girlfriend back when I was 14 years old, couldn't show her love to me... then I cheated on her by kissing another girl who could! But I know that I'll never do such a mistake anymore. I'll never cheat again!

23rd November, 2004

My mom came to our base and took me and 3 other guys to Tel Aviv. Finally home after... 25 days! (excluding the "after")

I watched the movie "Incredibles" in the cinema with my friend.

I had a webcam chat with Angel. That's where I could see the big difference between her real appearance and her virtual one. She'd smile and seem happy in her messages, but her face would conceal any emotions. She looked somewhat anxious and distinctly serious. Once in a while, though, she'd smile... and it was so divine! :)

Angel told me there's been some Egyptian guy chatting with her. She said that he really scared her in their last conversation. She gave me their chatlog...

He told her he loves her, even though he barely knows her. He said that I, as an Israeli, am trying to hurt her, the way Israeli soldiers hurt and kill Palestinian women and children. That since she's German, and Germans were once Nazis, Israelis want vengeance.

Her replies to him showed me how much she trusts and loves me. But when it came to politics, she didn't take any sides at all.

She said she'd never even suspected any of it, that she knows me well and that no one will ever make us break up.

1st December, 2004

I'm in my home base again. This time my whole team's here. We're here to guard, at least until the 6th, when another team will arrive for some artillery training. Each team is going to have 2 artillery exercises and a "regila" (a weeklong vacation). My team and the 3rd team from my platoon are going to be first in this.

As artillery soldiers, each one of us is assigned to a specific task. Each task has its number.

For example, #1 is the commander. He receives calculated coordinates and makes sure his team fires fast and accurately. He's also financially responsible for all the equipment of his howitzer and the howitzer himself. (There's a whole lot of equipment involved and commanders often end up paying for it as something always gets lost. Some commanders and teammates resort to stealing equipment from other batteries to make sure they won't be the ones to pay. That's why we guard our howitzers day and night just to make sure soldiers from B battery don't try to steal anything. A year later, one commander from B battery would be caught red-handed and tried along with 2 other soldiers.)

Today I was told I'd be the team's navigator, #2. In order to be a navigator, you have to finish a 2-day course, but my new officer, Michael, decided to teach me everything by himself. He was a navigator too, back when he was a regular soldier.

The navigator is responsible for accuracy. Once he receives coordinates, they appear on a radar-monitor in front of him. He uses a joystick to steer up/down/left/right and has to get on target within seconds. The commander can see on his own monitor whether the navigator is "on target" or not.

A few years ago, one guy from B battery confused the numbers and turned the cannon around by almost 180 degrees. The commander didn't bother to check if he was on target, he ordered to fire and as a result they nearly hit an Israeli town in the Golan Heights. This story has become a legend in the artillery corps.

4th December, 2004

Within the last 3 weeks I've come to know Michael better. He's a great guy, he treats the soldiers well and he's a pretty good officer. He's a handsome guy and not once girls happened to ask us: "who's that cute, fine-looking officer over there?"

This is the last night of guarding duties at this base. I'll be guarding at the entrance gates from 2 to 6am. It's really boring over there. You don't see any cars at these hours.

There's light inside the cabin. I'd better bring the book that I'm currently reading - it's Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". Who's gonna come and visit me at night? Nobody ever does.

The risks for getting caught are pretty low. Besides, I can't wait to see what happens next in this book and the time is gonna pass by real fast if I bring it with me.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to lose Michael's trust. You wouldn't want to lose your officer's trust and find yourself being punished for every little thing as opposed to being forgiven for making mistakes. While others learn from their mistakes by trying not to get caught, I learn from mine by not committing them again in the future. That's why I don't think I should be punished, especially if I didn't commit them on purpose.

But this one is on purpose... isn't it?

As always, before starting a guarding duty, you have to ask a commander or an officer to present while you unload the gun. It doesn't mean the gun's loaded, it's just a safety measure. Too many accidents have happened in the past.

I unloaded the gun in Michael's presence. He asked me if I filled the flasks with hot tea. (It gets really cold here at nights) I said: "No. I don't wanna. It's ok."

When I was guarding, reading the book was a bit frightening. It described a tomb with skeletons when suddenly I heard some noises from outside the cabin. I stood up and looked out the window - it was just a couple of dogs crawling under the fence.

"I have to be more careful."

I'd been looking out the window once in a while to see if anyone's coming. To do that, I had to sit with my back facing the gates.

4:30am, I see some movement to my right. It was Michael!!! He was heading towards the cabin. I only had a few second to hide the book! But there was nowhere to hide it! He might've seen it already! I decided to get out of the cabin and meet him outside, before he could see the book.

As I went out of the cabin to meet him, I tried to act as calm as I could. "I brought you some tea". Drawing his attention didn't work. He entered the cabin and checked the radio. He said he tried to contact me by radio. Apparently the battery was dead in my radio. Darn!

I tried to stay calm and accept the consequences. Then he said: "You're not supposed to read during the shift, but if you do, at least face the gate."

Is that a joke?! I only said "OK". He left.

The tea was barely warm.

He caught me. I was aware of the risk. A punishment is certainly justified. The only question I have now is "How severe is my punishment going to be?" 1 day? 2-3 days of my home vacation? The worst thing is, you usually don't know that until the very last day. Maybe it's because they don't want you to feel rebellious and try to do something about it.

Commanders are aware that soldiers don't really guard the way they should be. They were soldiers once too and did the same thing. Some would fall asleep, some would talk on the cellphone, some would play on GameBoy Advance - it was as clear as the sky on a sunny day - soldiers violate their guarding duties - you have to do something to preserve your sanity. If you stand in once place for 4 hours over and over and over again, you or your friend would soon notice that you start acting weird. So commanders know it and there's a virtual agreement between soldiers and their commanders: "we know that you do it, just try not to get caught."

Michael tried to contact me before coming. I'm sure he didn't come there to punish me, but as an officer he's obliged to report my violation and give me a punishment. I'm not gonna hate him for that.

Many soldiers hate their commanders and officers for punishing them for all kinds of violations. Not all punishments are justified, or at least not everybody agrees on their relevance, but in the end there are always a few rebellious soldiers who lose their trust in our battery's authority.

6th December, 2004

On my way to my room I saw a book "Angels & Demons" lying at the entrance to Ravit's room. She reads the same book as me!

She asked me to help her carry something. Should I start a conversation about the book? No... Why not? It could be a great subject for discussion. What for? You've got a girlfriend. I didn't talk.

Maybe I'm afraid to fall in love with someone else. That is possible, right? Ravit is very attractive. Everyday that she's in the battery I seem to like her more and more. This makes it hard for me to come over and talk to her.

I might never know what I'm missing... Yet I've made my choice - I can't risk losing Angel. I can't risk breaking her heart.

8th December, 2004

The training was annoying. It was cold, wet and muddy. It didn't take me that long to realize how lucky I was to be standing inside the howitzer and navigating rather than being outside in the mud, carrying shells.

















We ordered a pizza in the evening. We could no longer stand those horrible combat meals which consisted of cans of tuna, canned beef and other vomit-encouraging types of food. Before the army, I liked eating tuna fish, but now I can't even bear its smell.

9th December, 2004

After each training, there's a maintenance day at the end of the week. A lot of machinery work. Dirty work. Everybody hates it!

The 2nd training was cancelled. We were lucky to go home on Thursday as we finished all the work exactly on time before the last bus to Hatzor (a central bus station in the north east).

I wasn't punished by Michael. At least not yet. I wonder if he let it go. If it's so then I owe him a lot.