tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-294759592024-02-18T21:11:13.209-08:00The Diary of an Israeli soldierAlthough I documented the events as a soldier of the Israeli army, I tried to look at things neutrally in order to write accurately about both sides.IsraeliDiaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17994975390077587466noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-64859097222959693072011-03-18T05:53:00.000-07:002011-03-18T06:05:39.444-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Some posts have been removed due to a recent fraudulent use of this blog.</b></span>IsraeliDiaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17994975390077587466noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-45310234599611248752008-09-28T23:20:00.000-07:002008-09-30T02:50:22.931-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >Angel's Confessions</span><br /><br />27th January, 2006</span><br /><br />Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.<br /><br />A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?<br /><br />When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...<br /><br />It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.<br /><br />A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...<br /><br />...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.<br /><br />It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.<br /><br />It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.<br /><br />That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.<br /><br />I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.<br /><br />I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."<br /><br />It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">...that girl was Angel.</span><br /><br />In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!<br /><br />3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.<br /><br />Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?<br /><br />The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.<br /><br />On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shelly</span>: "what do you want to talk about?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shelly:</span> "yeah?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shelly:</span> "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"<br /><br />Angel appeared online.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shelly:</span> "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about that...you see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u too...so i will be only the interpreter..."<br /><br />Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:<br />If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "do you still feel anything for me?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me: </span>"But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "but what is that something?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "I donno"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me: </span>"you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "I wanna be with u, but not now"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "when?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "I donno"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "not a fiction, like a dream"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "yeah"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "I`m so sorry"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "for what?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "for everything"<br /><br />She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Angel:</span> "can`t say that,. it came step by step"<br /><br />Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.<br /><br />I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.<br /><br />How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.<br /><br />No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.<br /><br />If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.<br /><br />It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.<br /><br />In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.<br /><br />I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.<br /><br />My own words kept coming back to my head...<br /><br />"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"<br /><br />Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!<br /><br />In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!<br /><br />On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.<br /><br />Her mail letter had a more detailed description:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"</span><br /><br />I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?<br /><br />Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.<br /><br />Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.<br /><br />Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.<br /><br />She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.<br /><br />Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.<br /><br />I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.<br /><br />Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-62316477435653249312008-09-12T00:46:00.000-07:002008-09-12T05:02:08.934-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >Can love be everlasting?</span><br /><br />25th November, 2005</span><br /><br />Fresh soldiers from March '05 have joined our battery and I finally became a sergeant. Soldiers who served over 2.4 years in the army become "senior", or in Hebrew "pazamnik".<br /><br />Me and my mates from August '03 no longer have to clean up the base every morning and evening, commanders don't check our magazines, our weapons or water flasks. We can now have our own room where we can put a TV, PS2, DVD and other electronic appliances. We are first priority in choosing our missions - usually senior soldiers are riding the Humvees or take part in special operations, it's obviously much better than standing in a roadblock or guarding the base.<br /><br />The main benefit a senior soldier receives for his last 8 months of mandatory service is home release. Depending on the missions and the capacity of available soldiers, seniors get extra days at home whenever possible. For example, instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home), Seniors get 4/3 9/5 (4 days at the base, 3 days at home, then 9 days at the base and 5 days at home along with their team)<br /><br />Nonetheless, despite the fact that our current mission does not require maximum capacity, our battery commander was daring enough to enforce a change in the policy of awarding seniors, which has been active ever since this battalion had been formed.<br /><br />Senior soldiers including Alpha commanders (who've become victims of the policy as well) have set up several meetings with the battery commander and other officers (platoon commanders), laying out the arguments, explaining why awarding them with home release is important. The battery commander, however, refused to listen and insisted on equality - nobody gets extra days at home. He blamed the seniors for not doing enough for the battery. "Your job is to motivate the younger soldiers, to teach them of your experiences and serve as a good example for them. Instead, what you do all day long is sit on your butts in your rooms, watch TV and sleep all day long."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">29th November, 2005</span><br /><br />I feel like I MUST buy Angel a present. On what occasion? No occasion. She simply deserves it! I haven't given her a gift for a long time now. With her, everyday is like a special occasion. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I'm gonna buy her a gift today.<br /><br />A few days later I received an SMS from Angel. She was thankful, telling me that I shouldn't have.<br /><br />How would I describe my relationship with Angel at the moment? It's quite unclear. Over half a year ago she decided that it'd be better if we felt free to date other people. For how long? How long will our relationship will be in a suspended state? I wouldn't know. I only know this - I would do anything it takes to be with her, so if she ever decides that we're back together again, I will undoubtedly say yes!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">12th December, 2005</span><br /><br />Natalie contacted me. She says she's now in love with Dima, a guy she'd met online, he lives far away in the south, but after almost a year of contact they've finally met. I'm glad to see that she moved on.<br /><br />She asked me if I could meet her and watch a movie together. For some reason, I felt like it was an offer I couldn't reject.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">19th December, 2005</span><br /><br />I've been thinking about this meeting with Natalie. When we were together, she was easily tempted to make out with other guys. What if the same thing happens with me?<br />How serious is her relationship with Dima? Is he, like Angel, simply wishes her to be happy and prefers to have an open long-distance relationship?<br /><br />*a knock on the door*<br /><br />She came inside my house and gave me a warm hug. I felt a sudden chilling wave, accompanied by old feelings that I used to have for Natalie. As we were watching the movie at my place, she leaned her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her arms. I hugged her back. I don't know why, but it was incredibly pleasant. It felt like we've just started a new relationship.<br /><br />Me: "You're very tempting, you know that?"<br />Natalie: "Am I?"<br /><br />She looked down at my lips, I looked back at hers. The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, what I wouldn't give away to kiss those lips once again!"<br /><br />Me: "I don't wanna do something you might regret later on, this is your decision."<br />Natalie: "no, it's yours"<br />Me: "Mine? I have nothing to lose. You're the one who might end up cheating."<br /><br />A short while later we were sitting so close to each other that our lips were only a few inches apart.<br /><br />Me: "What would Dima say?"<br /><br />I don't remember if I received an answer or not, but an instant later we were making out.<br /><br />I walked her home and we've parted. On our way home she asked me to forget about everything, but when we reached her place, she had a change of mind: "I'm a smart girl. I know how to use guys properly. I have a friend who listens to me, a lover (me) and a boyfriend (Dima) all at the same time."<br /><br />Me: "You can't date both of us. You have to make a decision."<br /><br />This is not right. I don't wanna be anybody's lover, to make girls cheat.<br /><br />She says she truly loves him, yet she cheats on him and desired to keep on doing it in the future.<br /><br />Me: "You must tell him. Your conscience will eventually force you to."<br />Natalie: "No, I won't! He'll kill you if I do. You know how strong he is?"<br /><br />That's a disregard to my own strength. I hate it when a girl thinks that some guy is stronger than me.<br /><br />We parted. The next morning I was back in the army again.<br /><br />I'm really really drawn to her physically, but her stiff character eliminates any possibility of us ever dating seriously again.<br /><br />Should it be my problem that she cheats on Dima with me? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't let her cheat like that. Either way, I'd better move on and find myself someone.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">22nd December, 2005</span><br /><br />A radio show called "Mother's voice" will arrive here tomorrow. It's a show that interviews soldiers all over the country. They broadcast it on "Galei Tzahal".<br /><br />Tonight I received a phone call from the show, a woman told me she was informed that I have a good story to tell. Apparently, someone from the battery had told them about my relationship with Angel. Oh man, I've never been interviewed, let alone live on the radio! Yet, somehow I couldn't say no.<br /><br />Something else worries me though... Where is Angel? She hasn't replied to me for over 3 weeks. I've tried calling her on the phone, but she doesn't answer it. Has something happened to her? No! I don't care anymore if she has some bad news to tell me, I just want to know that she's alright.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">23rd November, 2005</span><br /><br />The radio crew has arrived to our base. We all gathered up in the dining room at 11am. My broadcast was about to begin at 12:30pm.<br /><br />We had only 2 minutes to get ready. Me and Gil were up next. Gil was interviewed first. He talked about his relationship with Daniela, our battery secretary.<br /><br />At the beginning it feels so tense, but once you start talking, you gain confidence and it even feels great!<br /><br />Tami, the show hostess, asked me about how I've met Angel, what brought us closer together, our common interests and my trip to Germany. It was hard to explain everything briefly in a very short time interval, but I tried my best. Overall, I think it wasn't bad.<br /><br />Only after my radio appearance was through have I realized that most of the soldiers were laughing the whole time. I couldn't believe it, but somehow I didn't really care.<br /><br />The radio show gifted the battery with thermoses, t-shirts and a big TV screen.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">24th December, 2005</span><br /><br />Angel's absence has been bothering me a lot lately. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I couldn't take it anymore!<br /><br />My mom kept Angel's home number somewhere. She wrote it down just in case, when I flew to Germany to meet her.<br /><br />I called her home. Her brother had answered the phone after a few calls. He handed the phone over to his mom. She said Angel's out with friends, that she's alright. I thanked her and wished her a merry Christmas.<br /><br />Phew! That's all I needed to know. But I still wonder why she doesn't talk to me...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">25th December, 2005</span><br /><br />I called her again. No answer. I called her home - Her mother answered, said Angel's in the shower.<br /><br />A few minutes later I received a message from Angel: "Please don't call me at home again." Geez! "Ok. When can I call you then? I wanna talk to you." She wrote that I can call her mobile in a few minutes.<br /><br />I could finally talk to her... She told me how she plans to quit her job, because her manager gets on her nerves and mistreats her. When I asked her why she didn't reply to my e-mails, messages and phone calls, she gave me the following explanation: when at work, she can't use her phone and she'd always forget to write or call back and she hasn't checked her e-mail for a very long time.<br /><br />Of course I really wanted to believe that it's all a series of coincidences, but something didn't feel right. There was obviously more to it. I wish I knew what exactly.<br /><br />If she really loved me, she would think about me and wonder how I'm doing, if I'm alright. But she didn't. It's like she doesn't care anymore!<br /><br />We've known each other for 2.5 years. She'd always let me know how much she loves me, but not anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this, but since November it's no longer the same. Could it be that she no longer loves me? Could this be the end to our relationship?<br /><br />Maybe it was over in March... What if I simply failed to read between the lines?<br /><br />I've set out to prove that true love exists, that distance is not an obstacle in a serious relationship. If 2 people love each other, nothing can stand between them. This love... it can last forever. My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm crazy, but I'm pretty confident in what I believe. "You'll see..." I tell them, "I'll be the proof of my own words."<br /><br />It takes 2 to prove that theory. Don't change your mind, Angel. If you love me, give me this opportunity. Everything will work out!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-48192187517343125752008-07-11T03:11:00.000-07:002008-07-12T07:49:22.639-07:00<span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">The D-day</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">20th November, 2005</span><br /><br />My team arrived to the based after a short vacation at home. Not an hour later we were called to the cannons due to high alert. Lior, our new battery commander was excited to fire his first shells as a commander. The team on the other hand preferred it didn't happen. There's too much work after firing cannons, way too much.. We assured him that nothing would happen, we've been on high alert for months and nothing really happens.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">21st November, 2005</span><br /><br />2.55 P.M. - We were sitting in the club, watching TV when suddenly the alarm went off!<br /><br />"Is it a drill?"<br />Tomer: "I'm telling you guys, it's not a drill! It's for real this time!!"<br /><br />Some of the soldiers heard bangs a few minutes before the alarm. Then they saw smoke rising in different parts of the Hula valley.<br /><br />We grabbed our weapons and sprinted towards the cannons. I ran as fast as I could, the sound of the alarm pumping up the adrenalin in my blood. It was the time to do our best, to do what were trained for.<br /><br />I entered the howitzer, shortly afterwards the rest of the team arrived as well. Navigators, commanders and drivers should be the first to arrive.<br /><br />Climbing up and looking outside the hatch, I could see black smoke rising from Rajar. Dozens of lights flashed in Rajar amidst the clouds that partially covered the village.<br /><br />At first, we thought it was Hezbollah's positions, but then we realized it was Israeli territory which was under constant heavy fire.<br /><br />"What is going on?! These sons of a bi$#@es! Why aren't we firing back?!"<br /><br />Another pillar of smoke could be seen rising from the lower part of the Dov mountain, near an Israeli base.<br /><br />Several times we could see something that resembled fireworks, a few dozen flashes in one place, like tiny bombs exploding one after another.<br /><br />Meanwhile, all the citizens of nearby towns were asked to get down to bomb shelters. An estimate of 100,000 citizens went down to safety.<br /><br />"Nothing like that has ever happened since the withdrawal of Israeli troops from Lebanon in 2000!"<br /><br />A few of our soldiers were on their way back with supplies from another base. A Katyusha rocket hit the asphalt only a short distance behind them. Luckily, they weren't hurt. They couldn't believe it - Another second and they would've been killed!<br /><br />Armed gunmen from Hezbollah entered the Israeli part of Rajar, driving bikes and four wheelers. A squad of 4 close in on an Israeli pillbox located on the border between the 2 countries. With their primary objective of kidnapping Israeli soldiers, dead or alive, they opened fire on the pillbox, but to their astonishment - the pillbox was unmanned. They continued their assault as they moved further south towards the only road leading from Rajar to Israel. An Israeli roadblock was ahead. They opened heavy fire, but the roadblock was deserted as well.<br /><br />An Israeli squad from the paratroopers division was hiding in a building located opposite the roadblock. An Israeli sharpshooter by the name of Moskovic, fired at Hezbollah's gunmen and took them down one by one with the help of his assistant who helped him spot the targets. Within 12 seconds, all 4 Hezbollah gunmen were dead before they could even spot their shooter.<br /><br />As a result, Hezbollah failed to kidnap Israeli soldiers. Papers were calling Moskovic a hero. He later received a badge of courage and a week-long vacation.<br /><br />Back to our artillery base...<br /><br />All of our equipment was soaked with water. The hatches were apparently left open the night before and the pouring rain's done its work. Dry or soaking wet, it didn't matter to us - In just a few minutes after the attack, we were authorized to fire back!<br /><br />Not much could be seen beyond the mist that covered the whole valley, but the sound of landing rockets could still be heard.<br /><br />The press have arrived and settled up on a hill just above our base to capture all the action on camera.<br /><br />We were ordered to fire 'Scarf' shells. A relatively new type of shells that's never been used by IDF, except in training. These are the only shells fired from our howitzers that leave a white tail of smoke and can be seen in the sky from a distance.<br /><br />One of the fresh soldiers from in the other team has accidentally dropped the 40kg shell on his foot. An ambulance arrived and evacuated him.<br /><br />Over 200 shells have been fired from our howitzers and still counting...<br /><br />When we came back to the base yesterday, 2 teams were released home. Today, however, they were called back to the base and had to arrive next morning.<br /><br />The day turned into night, the fighting resumed. Another battery from a different battalion had settled nearby and joined us in shelling Hezbollah targets.<br /><br />Now the mist has come to visit us. We were unable to see beyond 10 feet, but that didn't limit our capabilities. We kept receiving firing coordinates and fired as fast and accurate as we could.<br /><br />The radio was always active. Commanders received firing authorizations and reported whenever the howitzer was locked-on and ready to fire.<br /><br />A different kind of message was then heard on the radio. "2A(our battery) from 1B (our battalion's center of operations), one is on its way to you"<br /><br />Some of our soldiers looked at each other with confusion on their faces: "What? One what?"<br />The answer followed in the form of explosion not too far from our base.<br /><br />Our battery commander ran out and shouted: "Get all the soldiers off the ramps!" Curious soldiers wanted to see the whereabouts of that explosion.<br /><br />"I saw it, it landed a few hundred feet away from us. I saw the sparkles." said Andrew, a new commander of 1A. His team is located next to ours.<br /><br />"If it hits the cannon then we're doomed. This shit can't protect us even from a 7.62 bullet of Kalashnikov, A shell would undoubtedly pierce it."<br /><br />"Incoming!" Boom! This time I saw it. There was light and a slightly loud noise. The electricity went down.<br /><br />"Everybody get inside the vehicles. Get ready to move. Cease fire. I repeat - Get ready to move. Cease fire!" Our battery commander wanted us to drive our howitzers to secondary positions.<br /><br />For the first time, we really feared for our lives. Hezbollah were targeting our base and it could be a matter of time before they hit the target. I tried to calm my teammates down: "Don't worry. What are the odds of a direct hit on our howitzer?<br /><br />Despite the artillery fire on our positions, ALPHA drivers had to run down to the bunker where their vehicles parked. ALPHA are special vehicles for carrying a large supply of shells and compulsion explosives.<br /><br />Another Katyusha landed nearby. This time it landed next to our kitchen and dining room, next to the fence bordering the base.<br /><br />Roey, a soldier from team 1B could no longer take it. He ran away to men's room and hid there until it was all over.<br /><br />Mark is a big, 40 year old guy from the battalion who works in the army as a mechanic, repairing vehicles. Nobody ever messes with the guy and he's very respected. He was at our base on duty during the shelling. When they started firing on us, he got into shock. He just stood there outside, unable to react. Medics were called in and evacuated him.<br /><br />Daniel: "I need the curtain. Where is it?" (A curtain is a night vision periscope for night driving)<br />"Check below the benches." "It isn't there." We searched the whole howitzer, unable to find it.<br /><br />Despair and panic were growing stronger with every passing minute. Hezbollah kept firing non-stop.<br /><br />We received a report that a Hezbollah gunman was sighted approaching an Israeli base on mount Dov. He opened fire on the soldiers, but was gunned down a moment later. There were possibly other gunmen with him who've managed to flee.<br /><br />About 10 minutes later we arrived to our secondary positions, leaving vital equipment at the base without which, we weren't authorized to fire. But by the time we arrived to our secondary positions, Hezbollah stopped firing on Israel.<br /><br />Luckily, our kit bags were in the ALPHAs. They contained sleeping bags and warm military clothes. We've spent the night quietly inside the cannons, despite the rain that managed to soak some of the interior parts of the howitzer, where we were lying down.<br /><br />That night, the first snow covered the Syrian part of mount Hermon.<br /><br />Shivering from cold weather, we woke up early on the following day. I could barely recall my night shift, listening to the radio ready to alert the battery if anything happens.<br /><br />We were given combat meals for breakfast. Half an hour later, a few cameramen arrived to our positions. They were AFP, Reuters and Ha-Aretz, according to what they've told us.<br /><br />Rotem joked with them: "We've done a good job here, so show us on TV would you?"<br /><br />We haven't been shown on the news. What happened in Rajar was much more interesting and important. The whole event circled around their planned assault in Rajar.<br /><br />An hour later we were back at the base. It looked intact. Everything gradually went back to normal again.<br /><br />Team 2C howitzer with Eyal standing outside were on 2nd page of Yediot Aharonot, the most selling Israeli newspaper. The photo was obviously edited on Photoshop, they copy-pasted some of the shells outside, but the end result was a spectacular photo.<br /><br />Our battery commander congratulated us for our good work, said we fired 415 shells (more than on any event with Hezbollah in a decade) and killed 5 gunmen along with another battery.<br /><br />Most guys hurrayed when they heard that. Killing Hezbollah gunmen sounds like quite an achievement. I wasn't happy to hear those news though.<br /><br />Ever since the moment we were first informed that we'd be serving a few months at the northern border and facing Hezbollah, I wished that we won't have to fire on Lebanon, that there'll be no casualties. When using Artillery, you never know what the results might be. It's not 100% accurate and neither are the coordinations that we're being given. I hope that no one was killed by shells fired from my team's howitzer, but I'll never know.<br /><br />What about those 5 who were killed? Were they filled with extreme hatred towards Israel? Were they just doing their job for money to support their families? Either way they knew they were risking their lives... but wait, we were risking our lives too. They may think that they risk their lives for their country and we, Israeli soldiers, think we risk our lives for ours. In that case, who's wrong and who's right? Who deserves to live and whose death is justified?<br /><br />I think most of us are good people, seeking justice, often blind to see the other side of the coin. Some of us blindly follow ideas that involve hatred or racism, others join "anti" movements in which some people "hate" haters or express sympathy towards the haters on the other side.<br /><br />While we have different views, we all want the same thing - peace, harmony, justice. Obviously there is a dispute in defining justice in the middle east. Maybe the first thing that needs to be taught in schools throughout the world is that conflicts shall never be solved with violence, but strictly with diplomacy. It is sufficient for a war to break out if one of the sides thinks otherwise. In that case, don't let students who haven't learned that lesson ever become world leaders, or worse - dictators.<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br />Post-firing works continued for a week. All the artillery waste had to be removed and sorted. It was a long, never ending work that makes you wish not to fire the howitzers ever again. Huge piles of different kinds of boxes, cylinders, plastic bags and unused explosives.<br /><br />Hezbollah are expected to launch another attack, following their yesterday's failure to kill or kidnap soldiers. It will probably take them months of planning, as usual. By that time, we'll probably be replaced by a different battery.<br /><br />The Lebanese media has reported Hezbollah accusing Israel of launching an attack on Lebanon and forcing Hezbollah to take countermeasures to defend south Lebanon. Hezbollah own a TV channel called Al Manar. Obviously they would never admit defeat. Instead, they'd lie to the Lebanese people and make up false stories. They've filmed their attack on Rajar and on a paratroopers base in Hula valley near Rajar (they hit an empty Merkava tank with a rocket there). It's clear that the attack has been planned by Hezbollah for months.<br /><br />Hezbollah won't be satisfied until they successfully abduct/kill Israelis.<br /><br />A few days later, an Israeli citizen was carried away by the wind straight to Lebanon after he glided off the Manra cliff (a resort near Kiryat-Shmona and the Lebanese border). When Hezbollah gunmen spotted him, they ran towards him and opened fire. Israeli citizens who've witnessed the incident have called up IDF and opened the border gate to allow him to come back to Israel. Soldiers arrived to the scene and covered his retreat. Fortunately, he sustained no injuries and returned safely to Israel. He thanked IDF for saving his life. We too were called up to provide artillery support in case needed. A few hours passed until everything cooled down.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-38753533514649880582008-06-27T14:41:00.000-07:002008-06-28T02:19:19.253-07:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">The punishment</span></span><br /><br />On 31st October, 2005 I finally got rid of my clumsy weapon. I handed it over to a newcomer and instead received a regular, lightweight short M-16.<br /><br />There's a plastic magazine holder that fits this type of weapon, it's called a "banana". I got one of those, only that it's slightly broken and falls off the weapon all the time. I used some tape to thicken the holder so that it would fit in the slot, but it's a bit too thick, so now I had to punch it to make it stick.<br /><br />On the next day, like every other morning, I cleaned up the base and checked my magazines and flasks for full readiness. I put my vest on and inserted the holder along with a magazine inside the weapon, giving it a light punch.<br /><br />When the time was up, we all stood in a "U" formation outside the barracks. The commanders were checking our magazines and flasks, just like they always do. When my commander approached me, I gave him all my magazines including the "banana" holder. He checked that one and noticed that a bullet was missing!<br /><br />If you don't have your flasks and magazines full and you get caught, you can get a pretty bad punishment, depending for example on how many bullets you have missing. If one bullet's missing, you usually get a day or two - staying at the base while all the other soldiers go home. While it might not sound that horrible for someone who gets to see home everyday, for someone who doesn't see freedom for weeks, a day of vacation is a lot!<br /><br />How come it was missing? I checked my vest, hoping to find a bullet to save myself from being punished, but couldn't find any. I was unable to explain my commander why it was missing.<br /><br />"it probably fell off on his way here, it happened to Rami as well." - Daniel tried to help me.<br />"I checked the magazines before... it probably fell off on my way here" - I confirmed Daniel's word in what looked like a desperate attempt to save myself from an inevitable punishment.<br /><br />Sometimes I forget to check that magazine, because it's always attached to my weapon. Therefore, it is highly likely that it had a bullet missing all along.<br /><br />I got back to my room, feeling upset. As I sat down on my bed, I inserted the holder back into the weapon when I suddenly noticed how a bullet almost flew out of the magazine! I walked up to my commander and explained him this theory - just before having to join the formation, I checked the magazines and inserted the holder with a light punch. As a result, a bullet flew out of the magazine without my notice. I demonstrated him - as I punched the holder, a bullet jumped and almost got away. He then said: "Use something else. This "banana" isn't good." I nodded.<br /><br />Since then, I use a rubber band and I check my magazines twice to make sure it never happens again. Does he believe me or will he give me a punishment? Will I get home on the 6th of November?<br /><br />Days have passed and it seemed like he had completely forgotten about it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6th November, 2005</span><br /><br />We've been on high alert these days, spending most of our days and nights around the howitzers. At 1pm, an hour before the bus was going to arrive, my commander told me and my other teammates to change our uniforms and get ready to leave. We went back to our room to change our clothes.<br /><br />Earlier that day, Daniel and Ido left the base on an earlier bus and Daniel overheard Ido speaking on the phone and saying that Shay and me are getting a 1-day punishment (we're usually told about such things on the last day, probably because they don't want to ruin our motivation straight away). Shay didn't brush his shoes on one of the days. Ido caught him and told him right away that he'll get a 1-day punishment. Shay's reaction was rather odd - he gave Ido a slap on the face.<br /><br />I couldn't believe this. "What? He told me nothing! It has to be a mistake..."<br />"Don't worry" - Sharon was trying to calm me down while we were sitting in the dining room. "There's a military rule that requires the commanders to notify you of the given punishment 24 hours ahead, that is 24 hours before you go home."<br /><br />We were talking discreetly, making sure no one could overhear our conversation. Rumors spread very quickly around here.<br /><br />Before we're released home, we have to attend a briefing. One of the officers has to give us a routine briefing before we're released home. Michael was waiting for everyone to arrive. When he noticed me standing next to the other soldiers, waiting for the briefing, he asked my commander which 3 soldiers are supposed to stay at the base. "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)" "What? Rotem, Rami and Shay." He repeated: "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)", perhaps ignoring what I said.<br /><br />Nitzan: "But (IsraeliDiary) is here." He pointed a finger at me.<br />The commander looked at me in astonishment, smiled, pointed his hand at me and said: "What? (IsraeliDiary)? What are you doing here? Don't you have a 1-day punishment?"<br /><br />I couldn't believe this. It's so embarrassing for him to do something like this. "What? Me?! You didn't tell me anything..."<br /><br />Michael was slightly amused. He took the commander aside talked to him in private. When they were finished, the commander called me up for a talk.<br /><br />"After that incident you were supposed to understand that you have a 1-day punishment." (No way. Things never work that way! Commanders inform their soldiers of being punished. Soldiers aren't supposed to guess whether they're punished or not!)<br /><br />Me: "but how come, I've explained it all to you."<br />"Yes, but still you had a bullet missing..."<br />Me: "yes, but it was an accident. You know that I'm a good soldier, I don't neglect military regulations and daily routines."<br />"Yes, you're a good soldier, but..."<br />Me: "Why punish me? A punishment is given to someone in order to make him realize he did something wrong and make him want to think twice before repeating the same mistake."<br />"You'll go home this time.."<br /><br />On my way home, I tried not to have any eye contact with any of the commanders and officers on the bus. It was an unpleasant situation for us all. When my commander left the bus, he said goodbye and smiled at me. It made me wonder... what if he planned the whole thing, acted stupid to make sure that I won't get punished? Probably not, but you'll never know...<br /><br />The punishment hasn't been given at all. It could not be postponed due to military rules. My commander left our battery on 18th November and was replaced by a friend of his, a guy who was in our battery for 4 months before he was sent off to the commanders course. His name is Lior.<br /><br />Had I received the punishment, I would've become hostile towards the officers and the commanders, just like Daniel. It would've had serious consequences on my future in this battery. Either way, that didn't happen.<br /><br />The past few weeks have been relatively difficult for us. A lot of training, classes and exams. No time for movies or anything of the kind.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">14th November, 2005</span><br /><br />In the army, when there's news, they're usually BAD news. Not this time, though. Sometimes they have pleasant surprises. Back in May 2005, while I was getting myself dirty working on the howitzer, my commander approached me and said: "get dressed", "huh?", "you're going to trial", "what? why?!", "just kidding! you're attending a memorial of a fallen soldier from our battalion."<br />As a result, me and some other soldiers got ourselves an extra day at home, since after the memorial they couldn't bring us back the base at the Golan Heights. It was pointless, since we were supposed to get home on the following day anyway.<br /><br />This time, however, my commander surprised me with different news: "You want to fly to the USA?" He gave me a form to fill up and asked me to return it ASAP. I did.<br /><br />2 months in the US for free, plus 800$ for spending. 4 soldiers from my battery were given the chance to participate. We'll have some interviews to pass. Who would reject that offer? ;)<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />For the last few weeks we've been on high alert. Spending cold days and freezing winter nights inside the howitzers, ready for anything. Hezbollah intend to kidnap soldiers. A special infantry force commences day and night operations close to the Lebanese border. We have to be ready, in case anything happens, to provide them with our assistance.<br /><br />One thing really helped me kill the boredom. I use the cellphone to surf on Wikipedia. Its capabilities amaze me. You can learn so much about pretty much everything. I learned about the history of Germany, Iceland, Faroe Islands, Slovakia, Bulgaria, Lebanon, actors, scientists, national geographic, coca cola, Hezbollah, the Yom Kippur war and so on...<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br />Meanwhile, the Hezbollah were in the final stages of their plan. After months of collecting data on IDF, training gunmen and planning operations, they were ready to strike.<br /><br />Little did we know that the impending attack was to be launched on 18th November...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-62528138719547731902008-06-13T01:37:00.000-07:002008-06-13T03:49:10.499-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >Some things get worse, others get better</span><br /><br />18th October, 2005</span><br /><br />A 17 year old girl was raped by her own boyfriend and his 4 friends for hours in an apartment in Givataim (part of the bigger Tel Aviv). The girl was drunk.<br /><br />Her boyfriend, who'd been dating her for 6 months, decided to do something special for his friends that day - share his girlfriend with them. How sick is that?<br /><br />Then I saw the picture in the newspaper where they'd met and immediately recognized the place. It was my neighborhood!<br /><br />The guys are 25-28 year olds. She's only 17. Their names rang no bells.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">19th October, 2005</span><br /><br />I was talking to my friends in the army about the importance of keeping distance between boys and girls in the army. Coincidentally, they told me a secret which I promised to keep from other soldiers in the battery.<br /><br />Half a year ago there were no female soldiers in our battery. A few months ago 2 girls joined us: Ravit, a female commander, and Daniela, a secretary, responsible mostly for... decorating the battery. She's finished her service a month ago, but now stories about her begin to surface.<br /><br />One of the soldiers in the battery, Gil, is her boyfriend. They've had sex at the base. He'd tell his friends about this. Some saw him leaving the girls room at 5 am. (Ravit was at home during those days, Daniela was alone in the girls dormitory)<br /><br />A few days ago she was brought back to the base for questioning, but was released with no charges due to lack of evidence. Yes, it's considered to be a serious offense in the army. If caught, soldiers are sent to jail for a few weeks, if I'm not mistaken.<br /><br />Now.. the thing is, she also slept with Ido, a guy from my team. Ido?! That short little pervert who talks about his friends behind their backs, he's the one guy who's best at mocking people. He has a sharp tongue. Not once had it pissed me off, especially when he'd joke about Angel.<br /><br />I didn't expect that from Daniela. She doesn't look like she would do such things.<br /><br />A few Russian soldiers in our battery were caught when a few bottles with alcohol were discovered in one of the rooms. 2 of those guys were sent to jail for 15 days. The other one, the oldest one in the battery who was going to be released from the army next month, received 28 days of detention at the base. Apparently he was held responsible for that 'party' the other night.<br />The Ethiopian cook used to hide bottles of wine and give it to them to drink on Saturdays.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">20th October, 2005</span><br /><br />It's been days since I've received any messages from Angel. I wrote her a few times, but didn't get any replies.<br /><br />Natalie, on the other hand, called me again. It ended in another fight. "Don't let your ego rise too high. Don't think that you're a perfect human being with superior beauty and intelligence."<br /><br />"I am. It's a fact that guys try hard to get me and be with me. I'm wanted."<br /><br />"Oh yeah? Then how come I didn't have to move a finger to get you? How come the only 2 guys that you loved have dumped you? Think about it. Ask yourself why."<br /><br />"You and Amir were stupid enough to do it."<br /><br />When you don't see a person that you have feelings for, you tend to forget all the negative experiences that you've had with him. Therefore, you begin to miss him, you remember the good times and wish you could meet again... and when you do, those fights eventually repeat themselves and you are reminded again of the negative side of your relationship. It goes on and on, until one day you decide to end it, once and for all. You can't ride the roller coaster forever.<br /><br />Goodbye Natalie. You could've been everything for me. Not anymore.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">21st October, 2005</span><br /><br />This morning I received a message. It was from Angel!<br /><br />"Hi Dearest! Man, I wanna be with you now! My endlessly shining star, the only light if I'd be sad. I miss you so incredibly much! I'm longing for the day we'll be together again!"<br /><br />This message has unleashed all those feelings which I held back for a long time now. It made me wanna jump and scream: "ANGEL, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">23rd October, 2005</span><br /><br />"If the day has come when everything is over and we're together, I'll be the happiest girl in the world. Just to think of you makes me happy! I love you more than anything!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">24th October, 2005</span><br /><br />"Hi Dearest! Just had to think about you and wanted to say that I love you :) Looking forward to our future. *kiss*"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">30th October, 2005</span><br /><br />Angel:<br /><br />The day that I've met you, I've opened my eyes<br />Everything changed since you've come into my life<br />Different emotions, I didn't have before<br />I'll never go my way alone anymore<br /><br />So stay by my side, let's go for a ride<br />To distant places high up in the sky<br />My love's so true, it's stronger than I knew<br />Give me your hand, I'll always follow you!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2nd November, 2005</span><br /><br />The situation is deteriorating. The battery is losing its will to go on in such poor conditions.<br />Ever since Ehud replaced Gil as our new battery commander, people started losing motivation.<br /><br />Less days at home, more intensive training, punishments are more severe, there are now classes and exams that we have to take. From now on, we must walk with our weapons loaded, increasing the risk of releasing a bullet by mistake.<br /><br />Even the commanders dislike Ehud. He doesn't seem to care. Military readiness is his 1st priority. It might also be his only priority.<br /><br />I called Angel and talked with her for 20 minutes. Oh, it was soooo great! I'm looking forward to chatting with her.<br /><br />She currently hangs out with a 20 year old guy, she told me. But they only talk. She even pays for her drinks by herself.<br /><br />It appears that she didn't write that poetry by herself, but she feels every word of it. She said she'll always love me and no one else. I feel the same.<br /><br />Even in such a bad period, her words make me happy! She missed her favorite TV series "The O.C." just to talk to me. I'm so happy! :)<br /><br />Nobody has ever respected me that much. She's never said a bad word about me, she's never argued with me about anything. It's amazing that such people exist in this world. I wish everyone could find their soul mates like I did. It's something worth living for. She's definitely worth dying for.<br /><br />Angel... I'll be damned if I ever hurt you!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3th November, 2005</span><br /><br />We are now on high alert. Intelligence reports indicate that Hezbollah is planning to launch a strike anytime soon.<br /><br />That means the following for us:<br />Teams don't go home. Everyone wakes up early in the morning. Nobody sleeps in the dorms, but outside the howitzers, ready for immediate response.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4th November, 2005</span><br /><br />2 teams were finally released home. 18 days in the army is a long time.<br />We were ordered not to talk with our friends and family about everything that's going on here at the moment. Hezbollah might be listening to our conversations.<br /><br />At noon, the operation began: Just a few minutes ago, we were confident that nothing was going to happen, but there we were, directing intensive fire towards southern Lebanon!<br /><br />After 4 months of silence, the sky rained thunder, a noise that planted confusion both in the Israeli and Lebanese towns in the region.<br /><br />We fired about 40-50 shells very rapidly. I prayed to God we didn't kill or injure any innocents. We are being told of the results, but you can't tell how accurate they are. You'll never know if you did something terrible. This is why I wished I wouldn't have to serve here, but there I was.<br /><br />Lebanese news reported fire exchange between the Israeli army and Hezbollah, which is untrue.<br /><br />Israeli news reported IDF's denial of those claims. IDF said it was only military training and a warning shot to Hezbollah in order to foil any future attempt of Hezbollah to carry out attacks on Israel.<br /><br />According to IDF, the shells landed in Israeli territory. Have they? I doubt but sure hope so.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5th November, 2005</span><br /><br />One of the teams was called back to the base at night. They were release home yesterday and now they were called back to the base. Poor guys! So unfair...<br /><br />Today we've had some training. By the time that we finished, a car arrived to our base. It was channel 2 news! They asked us to do keep training so they could shoot us on camera.<br /><br />In the evening we all anxiously waited for the news to start. They showed us in an article about the escalation in the north. Some guys were shown distinctively, I was only shown a couple of times barely recognizable.<br /><br />That's the second time I'm on the news. Hehe. But bah, that doesn't count really.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-63944968446872157352008-03-21T08:32:00.000-07:002008-03-21T15:33:03.070-07:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Atonement</span></strong><br /></span><br />Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...<br />I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.<br /><br />I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.<br /><br />It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?<br /><br />One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?<br /><br />Can't say what I'd have preferred.<br /><br /><strong>The Combatant's ID</strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).<br /><br />A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.</span><br /><br />The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.<br /><br />We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.<br /><br /><strong>10th October, 2005</strong><br /><br />While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!<br /><br />Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...<br /><br />My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.<br />I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!<br /><br />How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)<br /><br />Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.<br /><br />I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.<br /><br />But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!<br /><br /><strong>12th October, 2005</strong><br /><br />Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.<br /><br />Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.<br /><br />Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.<br /><br />Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.<br /><br />We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.<br /><br /><strong>13th October, 2005</strong><br /><br />Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.<br /><br />Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.<br /><br />Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?<br /><br /><strong>14th October, 2005</strong><br /><br />Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.<br /><br />We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.<br /><br />I really wish that for everyone!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-21581259595812723222008-03-08T02:07:00.000-08:002008-03-08T05:14:50.612-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Moving On</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>12th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />Nothing much has happened in the last week.<br /><br />Chief Artillery officer Dan Kaspy has visited our base and announced his resignation. He was one of the founders of this base. As a way of saying goodbye, he fired the howitzer for one last time.<br /><br />On another day, a group of high-ranking officers have arrived at our base for some conference. They were served a delicious meal while we - the regular soldiers - were given the ordinary B-type food we usually get. Well, what do we expect?<br /><br />As part of the presentation we were supposed to fire a few shells, but my team didn't fire any... because of me.<br /><br />I don't know who touched it, but the left joystick control switch was off and nobody noticed it - not me, not my commander or the officer who came to see why we weren't firing. We never use this switch, but since it's located next to my position in the howitzer, I think it was my responsibility after all. That didn't matter much, though. It was only a presentation... other howitzers fired anyway.<br /><br />I sure hope that won't happen again, especially not when we're to fire at Hezbollah.<br /><br /><strong>14th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />I finally arrived home. Natalie spent some time at my place. Sigh, I want some free time for myself.<br /><br />It's funny how you're dying to date someone when you've been lonely for months, and how you're dying to be alone for a while, when you've been dating for months. You miss what you had. Can we ever balance the two?<br /><br />We went to the cinema, watched "The Skeleton Key". I'm having with Natalie, but it feels like we're just good friends. I have feelings for her, but it's not love. Not anymore. I'm not trying to make things work between us, not anymore. Yet I don't want her to get hurt. I just know how it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back.<br /><br />Yet I think she belongs to the type of people who could easily fall out of love and move on.<br /><br />Who would've imagined that such a beautiful girl would be in love with me and I'd reject her? Me? The guy who a few years ago was willing to give up everything just to be loved by someone?<br /><br />Beautiful? It all comes down to character eventually. Rejection? How can one not reject someone who's cheated on him so many times.<br /><br />The times have changed. I'm now more confident than ever. There are so many girls out there.<br /><br /><strong>16th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />We spent the morning together in the park. In the evening she went out with her friends - a girlfriend and 2 guys. They went to the beach, spent time at a pub, drank a lot of beer and played billiard. She asked me to do her a favor - if her mom calls me, I should pretend that she's with me.<br /><br />According to her, she drank 3 liters of beer that night.<br /><br />A call... It was her mother.<br /><br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "I can't reach Natalie, her phone's busy. She needs to get home by now."<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Okay, I'll tell her to call you back..."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "It isn't normal to talk for that long."<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "I know, don't worry I'll tell her to get back home."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Give her the phone."<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "She's busy talking to someone else. It's ok, I'll ask her to call you back."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "She never calls back. Give her the phone, let me speak to her."<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Look, don't worry. She's coming home."<br /><br />She's finally let it go. Phew!<br />I tried to reach Natalie, but the line was busy. Argh! I sent her an SMS.<br /><br />A few minutes later her mother called again.<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Where is she? Why doesn't she answer the phone?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "I don't know."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Give her to me."<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "She went aside to speak with her friend."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "What friend? Why did she go aside? Let me speak to her."<br /><br />She was getting more and more impatient and I was running out of lies. I'm bad at this and I hate it. No more favors like that, Natalie.<br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> "She's busy, we're on our way home."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Where are you now?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Near the beach."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Are you going home or what? What street is it?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "I don't know, there are no signs nearby."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "What?! You don't know where you are?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "No, I do. Somewhere on the way home."<br /><br />I was losing my confidence as she couldn't stop questioning me.<br /><br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Are you okay?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Yes."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "What street is it?"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Ummm, we're now at the end of Arlozorov"<br /><br />Arlozorov? Are you crazy?! She'd never buy it!<br />Besides, I'm at home right now and there's no sound of cars or people anywhere near.<br /><br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Didn't you say you were near the beach?!"<br /><strong>Me:</strong> "Yeah, we already left it."<br /><strong>Natalie's mother:</strong> "Okay. Tell Natalie to be get home fast. She must not be late."<br /><br />Natalie later called me and then talked with her mom. Being urged to get home, she took a cab, leaving her friends in the pub without paying for the beer.<br /><br />She entered her home, barely standing on her feet. Drunk, she went to bed, hoping her parents wouldn't notice. They haven't noticed it since they were asleep, but they've punished her the next morning anyway.<br /><br /><strong>17th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />We were planning to go to Ashqelon to my dad's. He's going to travel and leave us his apartment down by the beach. Natalie's parents forbade her to go. I wasn't excited about the idea anyway.<br /><br />Instead, we went to Memadyon - a water park in northern Tel Aviv. We've been at all the attractions, swam a lot and ate a fine dinner, having a lot of fun overall... until an incident has happened...<br /><br />In one of the swimming pools, she asked me to stand up on a slightly higher spot. The moment I stood there, she tried to pull my shorts down.<br /><br />Beneath my swim shorts I wore no underwear and there were a lot of people around us. Some of them noticed her attempt and watched us with curiosity. Lucky for me, I reacted in time and saved myself the big embarrassment.<br /><br />I asked her not to do that again, but she ignored my request and did it again when I least expected it, pulling my short halfway down, revealing part of my buttocks. Although I'm sure there was nothing spectacular to see, it was still rather embarassing. She burst into laughing.<br /><br />"Are you stupid? Are you actually dumb?!"<br /><br />The word "dumb" made her stop laughing. "How can you call me that? How you dare cursing me? No one ever does. I never cursed you."<br /><br />We stopped talking to each other, each one swimming on his own. After we left the water park she still wouldn't talk to me. I tried to break the ice: "I'm tired of saying 'sorry' instead of you all the time. You should forget your ego for once and admit that you're wrong." She didn't...<br /><br />Later that day I messaged her and we became friends again.<br /><br /><strong>18th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />I visited Natalie today. She seemed to be fully obsessed with Yakir - he's one of the 2 guys she went out with 2 days ago. She couldn't stop talking about how much she missed him, how cute he is. She even showed me his pics. Bah! After that, she says that I have a bad taste?!<br /><br />I told her yesterday, prior to the fight: "Look, it doesn't matter what you do and what happens between us, it doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna tell you this, but you must one day accept it: I don't love you and even if I ever do, we won't be together forever. That's why you should look for other guys."<br /><br />She's meeting Yakir tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe she's beginning to accept it.<br /><br /><strong>19th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie met Yakir this afternoon and guess what? All he did was talk about girls and sex.<br />"He's obsessed with his penis! He's so proud of it. He asked me if I wanna have sex with him, touch it and so on." She refused his offer, of course. She doesn't want to have any contact with him, which is pretty obvious.<br /><br />What a jerk. At least he was honest about his intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are even worse than that.<br /><br />Again did the guy triggered the opposite reaction. After telling me about her date with Yakir, she added: "I realized once again that I you're my one and only!"<br /><br />Couldn't tell her the same thing. These guys - who are supposed to do the work - eventually end-up doing the exact opposite - they get her to the same conclusion over and over again, that I'm the one for her.<br /><br />Have I experienced this... illusion for Angel? Is Angel the ultimate one for me? I don't know. I doubt it. Am I the best guy for Natalie? Certainly not!<br /><br />It's just a matter of time before she realizes it...<br /><br /><strong>24th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />During the last few days, Natalie would call me and ask me once in a while whether I love her. I never answered her question, letting her know that I most likely don't. "Say that you love me..." "..." then we would change the subject...<br /><br />Lately she's been calling me more often, telling me stories about her school friends and asking me some stupid questions: "What are you doing? ...Why?" "Why that and not this?"<br /><br />It went on and on until I finally said: "Do you have anything interesting to say to me? Something that you called me for?" "No." "Then let's get back to whatever we were doing." "Wait... you don't like talking to me?!" ... "Well, we've got nothing to talk about and these questions are really boring me..." <--- A fight trigger!<br /><br />These words of mine have led us to the longest and probalby the worst fight we've ever had.<br /><br />"You don't care about talking to me! Nobody's ever said such a thing to me! You're such an asshole! I love you and care about you, but you don't give a shit about my feelings!"<br /><br />Then she wished me and Angel would burn in hell. She threatened to hurt me and Angel, called me a total egoist.<br /><br />"How dare you call me an egoist? I spend all my money on you, I take you to places, I walk you home, always do as you say. I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me and Angel?"<br /><br />At some point I told her: "You know what? I don't care if you commit a suicide, if you try to hurt Angel or any other stuff. I don't want it to happen, but I don't care. It's your life. I just don't want us to break up as enemies, but as friends. I'll always like you and remember the good things about you."<br /><br />She told me I'm the host hated person in the world, after her parents.<br /><br />After another argument, it was sudden silence... The next thing I heard was her crying. "What happened? What's wrong?"<br /><br />"I love you... I love you so much" she said while crying. A minute later she told me she didn't mean all the things she had said. Deep down inside, she did.<br /><br />It's like a demon and an angel are trapped together in her soul, each one taking possession of her mind at a different time. I'm sorry Natalie, but I can't cope with that demon inside you.<br /><br /><strong>25th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />We were talking phone today... I don't remember exactly what we were saying, but at one time these words have escaped my mouth: "I don't love you". She was shocked. In an instant she became very upset. "You dont.... love me?" "What? But Natalie, don't pretend you didn't know it. Why do you think I never answered whenever you asked me if I loved you. I thought you knew..."<br /><br />I'm sure she knew. She just didn't want to accept it, hoping that one day I would give her a positive answer.<br /><br /><strong>26th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />My team and team 2C walked down the road to a spring not far from our base.<br /><br />Among the ruins of what probably used to be a Syrian village before the war, there was a small spring. A good place to light a fire and enjoy the nature.<br /><br />Me and Daniel decided to take a walk, before the barbeque is ready. I asked him for advice - What is the best way to make Natalie stop loving me? He suggested that I stop showing emotions: Don't call her back, don't show any interest, be cold to her.<br /><br />As absurd as it sounds, it seems to be true. If you really care about somebody, sometimes you have to cruel to him, for his own good.<br /><br /><strong>28th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie called me, telling me that she smoked 21 cigarettes in just a few hours. She cries all day. I had nothing to say. What's her next move? This is getting scary.<br /><br />The next time she called I told her that smoking and crying isn't gonna help, that it repulses me and that if she does that just to draw my attention and get my sympathy - this isn't going to work. She replied: "I don't wanna talk with you anymore right now. Bye"<br /><br /><strong>30th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />This month is coming to an end, and so is my relationship with Natalie.<br /><br />I never call her or initiate a conversation when she's online. When we do talk, I try to say as little as possible without revealing any emotions.<br /><br /><strong>1st October, 2005</strong><br /><br />She calls me and tells me something terrible has happened. Last night she, Alice, Max and Alexey (her friends) walked on Bialik st. in Ramat Gan. They went to buy some beer when they were approached by 5 Russian guys a few years older than them.<br /><br />These guys have threatened them and asked to join them. They beat Max in the face, took his cellphone and 140 shekels from his wallet.<br /><br />They were forced to follow the guys to a bar where some 20 other guys where waiting for them. They sat down drank some vodka with juice. Natalie and her friends were sitting beside them, scared.<br /><br />The Russian guys got drunk and flirted with Natalie and Alice. Being surrounded by some 30 men, running away was not a possibility.<br /><br />The guys started touching their bodies. When Natalie and Alice tried to protect themselves, a few other guys approached the girls from behind, pulled their hands back and locked them up behind their backs so that they wouldn't resist. The girls could do nothing but scream, and when they did, one of the guys told his friends to let them go.<br /><br />When they went out of the bar, they saw a guy sitting on the bumper of a car, smoking a cigarette. The Russian guys approached him and ordered him to scram. When he refused, they beat him in the face and broke his hand.<br /><br />Natalie said they're going to go to the police and report it. The guy who stole Max's phone, gave him his own. Maybe it could lead the police to that guy.<br /><br />One good thing came out of this whole story, though. She now likes Max.<br /><br />The next day she wrote: "I'm in love..."<br />"With whom?" "With Max."<br />"And what about him?"<br />"I don't know. Alexey said he'll make sure we'll be together."<br /><br />Finally, I can mark the end of this troublesome and complicated relationship with Natalie.<br /><br />I'm glad it took so little time for her to "forget" me.<br /><br />Thank you, Natalie. Now we both can move on with our lives.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-9259760633845160482008-01-18T02:26:00.000-08:002008-01-18T06:49:16.189-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">The search for innocence</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>2nd September, 2005</strong><br /><br />Gal went on a date with Natalie at 10pm. Meanwhile, I talked to Angel, told her everything.<br /><br />Angel: "You know what I think about you?"<br />Me: "That I'm a complete idiot?"<br />Angel: "No! That I love you more than the whole world!."<br />Me: "Sorry, I was joking. =) I love you too, Angel."<br /><br />We're going to be together again, I know it now!<br /><br /><strong>3rd September, 2005</strong><br /><br />It seems that Angel is on some kind of an apprenticeship program, which means she'll have to work at hotels for 3 years. After that, she'll be qualified to work at hotels everywhere in the world. That means we have to wait another 2-3 years from the moment that I finish the army? I guess so. I'll begin attending the university in the meanwhile, but the moment I finish my military service, I'd like to go on a week-long vacation with her somewhere abroad. That would be fun!<br /><br />Me: "We always tend to put love in 2nd priority, delaying for later years. Maybe it's meant to be this way, but what if this love will make us much happier? It will surely change our lives... or maybe this love is too perfect to be realized one day?"<br /><br />Angel: "I don't know... With you I have so many dreams. One guy said that it's good to dream, dreams are what we are living for."<br /><br />Me: "It's not just dreams. We've realized some of them when we've met. It is possible!"<br /><br />We've talked about the girl that she likes. She said she doesn't know if she actually loves her, that they've kissed and nothing else. She said she doesn't wanna fall in love with girls again, it's not pleasant. She'll try not to.<br /><br />I asked her if it's right to date other people. I may meet some other girl and fall in love with her, like it happened with Natalie. She said she doesn't mind, she doesn't have any problems with that.<br /><br />She's always wanted me to be happy, whether I'm with or without her.<br /><br />She asked me if it's alright for her to date other girls. No, I don't mind.<br /><br />What an interesting relationship we're having here: Free of commitments and full understanding.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />Natalie spoke to me about her date with Gal. "It was fun." He took her to the beach, bought her some flowers and in less than an hour he took her back home with his car. There, they've said goodbye.<br /><br />He lives nearby. She likes him. "He only had 2 girlfriends in his life. One in 5th grade, the other in 11th." She said he's really nice and romantic.<br /><br />Me: "Did you kiss?"<br />Natalie: "No.<br />Me: "Why?"<br />Natalie: "Why would we? (IsraeliDiary), tell me the truth... do you love me?"<br /><br />A pause...<br /><br />Me: "It doesn't matter, cause even if I don't, I can't say it after what had happened."<br />Natalie: "Do you??"<br />Me: "I don't know. I do feel pain and jealousy, but with time I feel it less and less."<br />Natalie: "So you don't. :("<br />Me: "Look, I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I want you to be happy. Don't get stuck on me, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I really wanted to part in a way it would least hurt you."<br />Natalie: "So what will we be, friends?"<br />Me: "Yeah, we may meet and do things together, only that this time we'll both have our freedom. No obligations, no common future. ;) Everything stays the same!"<br />Natalie: "Except your love for me. :("<br />Me: "Who knows? What is certain is that I'll always like you."<br /><br />I remember how a couple of months ago she wanted us to be free, to date other people, yet be together. Well, she got it now, only without the 'love' part.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />She had another date with Gal.<br /><br />For some reason I feel jealous. Natalie with another guy? My Natalie?!<br /><br />Whenever she cheated on me it would hurt me so badly I wished it never happened... and now I'm telling her to feel free to go out with other guys.<br /><br />It's like I'm giving her a permission to cheat. It still hurts... a bit less, but it still does.<br /><br />I don't want to break up with her and leave her on her own. It would be best if I help her forget about me by finding another guy. That's what I'm trying to do.<br /><br />9:45 pm - A phone call...<br /><br />Me: "Hello?"<br />Natalie: "Are you busy?"<br />Me: "Umm... no."<br />She sniffed, implying that she's in a bad mood.<br />Me: "What happened?"<br />Natalie: "Nothing."<br />Her voice sounded rather wounded.<br />Me: "Natalie - what's wrong? Is it your parents? Is it Gal?"<br />Natalie: "No..."<br />Me: "Is it Shachar?"<br />Natalie: "No."<br />Me: "Is it... me?"<br />Natalie: "Yes.."<br />Me: "What happened? What did I do?"<br />She started crying!<br />Me: "Please don't cry, tell me what happened.."<br /><br />But my words only made her cry louder and more bitter. I could feel her pain.<br /><br />Natalie: "I love you, I love you so much! I don't need anyone else but you."<br />She said those words in a deeply hurt voice.<br />Natalie: "I love you and I'll never love anyone else. You're the only one for me!"<br /><br />Oh no.. My eyes were filled with tears that within seconds were all over my face. I couldn't bear hearing her cry like that.<br /><br />Me: "Natalie, please don't cry. I'm here, I'm not leaving you."<br />Natalie: "Yes you are. It's not the same. You don't love me anymore... When Gal walked me home and we kissed, I was sure it was you.. but when I opened my eyes I saw him.. and I cried!"<br />"He's nice, he's charming and all that, but you are the one for me, I want you and nobody else."<br /><br />She had shocked me once again. I didn't know what to say or do. Trying to find her another guy had only produced the opposite result.<br /><br />I said something which she didn't buy, but it was true in a way: "What if I love you and I want you to be the happiest... and I realized that I can't give you this happiness so I decided to make you stop loving me so by finding another guy who suits you more?"<br /><br />(What the hell was I trying to say here? How would that help anything?)<br /><br />These were Amir's words and I said them to her just like he did, without even realizing that. He said to her: "What if I love you so much that I want you to be the happiest and I realized that I cannot give you all that you wish..."<br /><br />Later at night I told her that everything's still possible. We can still be together. I may love her one day. "It's your behavior that made my love fade away. When we fight, your dignity is more important to you, you're convinced that you're always right and if I disagree then I can go to hell. You also never say sorry. You have a high ego and it destroys everything. Sometimes you're romantic, sweet and lovable. Don't put yourself above people, put the people you love above yourself. Will you change?"<br /><br />Natalie: "I'll try. :)"<br /><br />Will she, really?<br /><br /><strong>5th September, 2005</strong><br /><br />I watched the movie "The Notebook" and it reminded me of my relationships with Angel and Natalie.<br /><br />Maybe it doesn't matter how much we fight, as long as we never give up on each other and do our best to change ourselves for the sake of the relationship, things might eventually work out.<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#660000;">The value of innocence</span></strong><br /><br />My recent conversation with Daniel kept me thinking about this for a while now...<br /><br />Daniel's a good guy. He's my best friend in the battery and we get along quite well, most of the time.<br /><br />However, there are a few things I don't like about him. The first one is his political view, or in other words, his hatred. He says that if an Israeli guy becomes a suicide bomber and blows himself up to pieces, killing Palestinian men, women and children, it will be justified since that's what the Palestinians do to us. Eye to eye, that is.<br /><br />Another thing I dislike is his tendency to steal things. He would only steal military equipment and only from other batteries, but that's stealing all the same.<br /><br />Apart from that, he's a really good guy. He shares everything with his friends, he volunteers and helps everyone. He doesn't like the commanders and officers, after they failed him twice, taking away his vacations, but he has nothing against the new commanders and officers who apparently haven't failed him, yet.<br /><br />Back to the point.<br /><br />One day we were talking about our parents. He said his father used to hit him with a leather belt when he was a child, punishing him for misbehaving. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me with a belt, although he would sometimes threaten to do so.<br /><br />Daniel: "That's why you grew up to be an innocent kind of guy, not violent, not a trouble maker."<br />I never really thought about that, but I guess there is something to it.<br /><br />He told me how he once ran away from home and stayed overnight at his friend's house. The next day he had to come back, after his friends phoned his parents and told them of his whereabouts.<br /><br />"They didn't show any mercy that day." he said.<br /><br />Innocence... What is innocence, really?<br /><br />Yesterday I talked to Alice. She was my girlfriend 5 years ago, when we were still kids. I was 14, she was 13. I remember being very excited about sex back then. She, obviously, wasn't ready yet. She was a quiet, shy girl. Not one you would commonly consider a good looking, yet she was my type.<br /><br />A year ago I met her online. When I asked her if she has a boyfriend, her reply shocked me. She said she has a 'f**k-friend'. Alice?! You? A what? No way!<br /><br />But this wasn't all... 3 years after we were a couple, when she was 16 years old, she apparently became very attractive. She said guys started asking her out in pubs and clubs and it raised her ego. Since then she'd had countless 'f**k-friends'.<br /><br />Even though I have no feelings towards Alice anymore, I couldn't stop wondering what had happened to that sweet innocent girl I once knew.<br /><br />She serves in Border Police. Bad job, bad people. She wants out. She asked to be transferred, but they refused. She escaped home. When she came back she was punished, put on trial and sentenced to a few weeks in military jail. Today she'll go to Bakum for a health commission that might lower her profile and get her some place better.<br /><br />Good luck, Alice. She had to go.<br /><br />I often think about this troubling sex issue. Why do guys love to f**k every girl they see? So many guys see girls as nothing more than sex subjects. I feel attraction to a lot of girls too, but what's wrong with being with one girl? There usually isn't much difference. Don't you prefer to have something unique, something special with one single person?<br /><br />I know, there's this desire of being loose, doing whatever you want without caring about anything, sleep with countless women 'cause you only live once... but something tells me it's wrong, totally wrong. It's dirty.<br /><br />Maybe I'm just an innocent guy and one day I'll realize that this is life - you live to enjoy and when you're innocent, you miss so much because you keep yourself away from so many things. So maybe you should give in, lose your innocence completely, forget about conscience, about what's right and what's wrong and just live your life by your own rules.<br /><br />But how can you look in your girlfriend's eyes and, even if it was way back in the past, imagine her getting laid with guys who didn't even know her name, who'd met her at the pub or at a party while being half drunk. You imagine the worst things and it tears you apart. You just can't help it. On one hand, you wanna know the whole truth. On the other hand, you wish you had never heard it.<br /><br />...and when you're past your teenage years and you open your eyes, you look around you and see how your friends go astray and follow the path of lust and meaningless sex. It hurts more when it comes to girls. They are the symbol of innocence to me.<br /><br />I can't say it's easy to follow a different path. In some way you envy your friends for their sexual experiences with girls, but you convince yourself that what you do is special and is worth it. Save yourself for someone special and you'll be rewarded.<br /><br />I'd like to think that guys who 'fool around' in their early years only get what they deserve - girls of the same kind. But that's not the way it goes, is it? So many people are being fooled by love.<br /><br />I don't believe that guys who chased sex until the age of 30 and decided it was time to stabilize their lives and get married would ever change. They would most likely cheat.<br /><br />It makes you sad when you see a decent woman falls victim to a bad husband. It works the other way around too, but much less often.<br /><br />Perhaps this world is not the best place to look for innocence, however, I'm not willing to give up my search. I'm sure everyone can find his own place in this world.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-58721322933058405772007-12-29T04:12:00.000-08:002007-12-29T06:56:13.486-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">The shortest way out</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong>31st August, 2005</strong><br /><br />It was time to tell her everything...<br /><br />"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."<br /><br />Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"<br /><br />Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."<br /><br />Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?<br /><br />I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.<br /><br />Natalie:"Okay... why?"<br /><br />Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"<br /><br />Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."<br />Me: "What? Come on, tell me."<br />Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."<br />Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."<br /><br />It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.<br /><br />Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."<br />Me: "What do you like about him?"<br />Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."<br /><br />Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"<br />Natalie: "Yeah, it does."<br /><br />It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.<br /><br />Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."<br /><br />Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."<br /><br />I had to go. We hung up.<br /><br />It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.<br /><br />I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.<br /><br /><strong>1st September, 2005</strong><br /><br />I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.<br /><br />This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.<br /><br />I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.<br /><br />Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."<br /><br />Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."<br /><br />Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."<br /><br />Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."<br /><br />Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"<br /><br />Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."<br />Me: "I am."<br />Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."<br />Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."<br />Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."<br /><br />Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."<br />Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."<br /><br />I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!<br /><br />Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"<br />Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."<br /><br />Me: "How long ago was it?"<br />Natalie: "I don't remember."<br />Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"<br />Natalie: "3-4 months ago."<br /><br />S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.<br /><br />Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"<br />Natalie: "15 minutes."<br /><br />It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.<br /><br />Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"<br /><br />Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."<br />Me: "Do you regret what you did?"<br />Natalie: "yes and no.."<br />Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"<br />Natalie: "no, I do regret it."<br /><br />I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!<br /><br />Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."<br /><br />Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."<br /><br />I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.<br /><br />Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."<br /><br />She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...<br /><br />"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!<br /><br />Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.<br /><br />I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"<br /><br />The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.<br /><br />She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.<br /><br />Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."<br /><br />She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.<br /><br />Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"<br /><br />It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?<br /><br />Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"<br />Natalie: "what?"<br />Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"<br /><br />I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.<br /><br />Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."<br /><br />Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"<br /><br />A smile.<br /><br />Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"<br />Me: "I'm sorry."<br /><br />I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".<br /><br />One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.<br /><br />The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.<br /><br />It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.<br /><br />Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"<br /><br />Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"<br />Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"<br />Natalie: "My love."<br />Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."<br /><br />Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.<br /><br />Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.<br /><br />I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."<br /><br />That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.<br /><br />Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.<br /><br />That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.<br /><br />It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.<br /><br />Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-84624963797954219072007-12-22T04:56:00.000-08:002007-12-22T08:06:18.674-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Feelings have a sense of direction</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>27th August, 2005<br /></strong><br />Today I finally had some free time for myself to do what I want. You miss these things once you spend all your time in the company of your partner.<br /><br />Most of my time is being spent with her, and as much as I'm happy to be with her, sometimes I need a little space for myself.<br /><br />We eventually met in the afternoon and went to Park Darom. The sun was setting, casting an orange haze over the endless array of buildings of Tel Aviv.<br /><br />Me: "I'll miss those days. What we have here is (will be remembered) forever. I'm having a lot of fun with you, yet time takes it away from me."<br /><br />It really seemed like it was going to be the last romantic event in our relationship. There was something in the atmosphere around us suggesting that the end is near.<br /><br />Me: "You're a great person, Natalie, and it will be hard losing someone like you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. Your whole life is ahead of you."<br /><br />I meant those words, just like I meant everything else that I've said to her. She might not have the best character in the world, but there's kindness in her soul, the kindness that I hoped would grow during our relationship and eventually change her character.<br /><br />It was getting late. My mom gave her a ride home. I accompanied her. "This time I won't walk you to the front door. My mom's in a hurry and it's also easier to part that way."<br /><br />Althought the reasons were sincere, there was something more to it. A crack in our relationship was expanding, threatening to tear us apart for good...<br /><br />Meanwhile, I received an SMS from Angel: "Hi! Sorry if I woke you up now! Just had to think about you right now... I'm listening to your CD at the moment. I hope you are fine. :) Good night and sweet dreams! Miss you."<br /><br />I replied to her sms, and I really wished to chat with her. I checked MSN a lot of times at home, but she was never online. Why do I ignore Natalie's request? I don't know...<br /><br /><strong>29th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Back in the army. A painful 5 hour drive to the base. I was tired.<br /><br />This evening I was chatting with Natalie. Angel was online, in invisible mode.<br /><br />How I wanted to talk to her....... I couldn't resist it.<br /><br />Natalie asked me whether I talk to Angel. If I say "yes", it'd be another fight... I would hurt her and be so busy trying to sort things out that I wouldn't be able to talk to Angel at all.<br /><br />Me: "No. She's not online anyway."<br />Natalie: "She is. Are you blind?"<br />Me: "I'm telling you, she's not. Maybe she's invisible."<br />Natalie: "She's online in my contact list."<br />Me: "Well... maybe she's added you to her visible list."<br />Natalie: "Maybe she did"<br /><br />I went to bed. At around 1am someone called me and woke me up. "Who's calling me so late at night?!"<br /><br />"Hello?" I answered in a rather sleepy voice.<br />They hung up.<br /><br />I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then I received an SMS from Angel. I was no longer upset. :)<br /><br />"Hey, sorry, I actually wanted to speak with you, but I couldn't ^^' I... Well, it was nice to hear your voice again... :) Have a good night!"<br /><br />I replied to her, saying sorry for my tired voice, telling her that I missed her voice too, that even though she woke me up, it's absolutely okay. Of all the people in the world, she's allowed to do that. Besides, I usually sleep better after talking to her.<br /><br />I wished her a good night and sweet dreams... after a few minutes I received another message: "Oh, I'm sorry! I can't sleep... I have to think all the time what would have happened if I have moved to you and just be a housewife or what I should do... I don't know... I miss you so much and when I was with you, I still had dreams... now I'm justl iving day by day and think about nothing. Just working and doing nothing... Is that life? Well, don't wanna bother you with my problems. ^^' So, sorry ^^' Anyway, see you online anytime. Good night!"<br /><br />"I want you to be happy, Angel. You are the only true angel I know. You deserve happiness more than others. ^^ Come to me, it will be great. :)"<br /><br />She replied: "Don't say that, otherwise I might really do it (come to Israel) *lol* What is hapiness? ^^ (IsraeliDiary), Do you think we'll be together one day again? .. Sorry, that's a silly question. ^^"<br /><br />"We will. That's why I'm still breathing. You are my brightest future! A star that will always shine and inspire! Don't be a housewife, you have a future. Seek your talents. Gotta go sleep, talk to you later."<br /><br />Angel: "Thanks. Then I'll hold on to that future either! ... (IsraeliDiary), I'm looking forward to it... :) You were, are and will always be my one and only... sleep well."<br /><br />Does she really mean that? Has she realized once and for all that we are meant to be together?<br /><br /><strong>30th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Today it was my team's turn to cook dinner for the whole battery. Each week a different team has to make dinner. It's just a one-time competition for fun. A team receives 100 NIS to buy the products. A winning team gets a free day out in the north, some kind of activity.<br /><br />I was making a salad in the kitchen. My mind was fully occupied with the recent events. I was thinking about how I lied to Natalie about talking to Angel, about how I flirted with Angel.<br /><br />Yes, it all came from my heart, but isn't it a bit unfair towards Natalie? What should I tell her? I gotta tell her the truth..... but then I'll hurt her... Well, the truth will come out sooner or later, it better be now than later. The guilt of lying is consuming me from inside. How can I lie? I never lie to people, it's not me. How do I explain to her that I can't stop talking to Angel no matter what? Would it be unfair if I talk to Angel while I have feelings for her? It would hurt Natalie. All the talking last night... it'd make her cry! I can't hurt her... but the truth - it's got to be told. Arggghhhh!!!<br /><br />I shall tell her... I'll explain everything to her... but she'll be angry and revengful!<br /><br /><strong>31st August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Why is it that everytime I get a message from Angel, I read it over and over again. Sometimes I would read Natalie's too, but not as often and as thoroughly as Angel's.<br /><br />Why is it that everyday something reminds me of Angel. How I love her unique smile. No one smiles the way she does. :) I feel this burning sensation in my chest whenever I recall her smile.<br /><br />I can't control this! I miss her! That's when my doubts turn into reassurances. Doubts in my love to Natalie... I think I don't love her. I like being with her, I like cuddling with her, I like making out with her, I like dating her, looking at her, watching movies with her, but I don't think that I love her. I just don't know if I do. The only thing I know is that I'm not sure about this anymore.<br /><br />I started thinking about how horrible it would be to lose her. She made me happy so many times! She's been a great and loving girlfriend and her life... her life is a whole world! It's really hard for me to lose a person so close to my heart. It could've been perfect had we been perfect for each other, stayed together, raised a family and realized all our dreams... but we're not meant for each other, we fight and disagree. We sometimes reach a point where we feel carelessness towards each other, coldness and hostility.<br /><br />Sometimes we don't even look like we're friends, let alone a couple. Then I begin thinking how far off our relationship is from what it should be. We just don't match. After a few fights, we'd be friends again, but what then? Exactly, another fight!<br /><br />Look at Angel, she's never said a bad word about me. She's never been mad at me, never insulted me with words, never meant to do me any harm, it's like she's never even thought anything negative about me. Just like me.<br /><br />This is it. Tonight, after spending hours thinking it over I had decided!<br /><br />It was time to talk to her and tell her everything...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-71115327188269734442007-12-14T13:00:00.000-08:002007-12-14T15:21:37.224-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?</span></strong><br /><br />1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.<br />2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.<br />7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.<br /><br />He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.<br /><br />Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.<br /><br />After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.<br /><br />Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.<br /><br />2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?<br /><br />After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.<br /><br />We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?<br /><br />Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.<br /><br />Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.<br /><br />I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.<br /><br />Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.<br /><br />At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.<br /><br />Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.<br /><br />A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.<br /><br /><strong>16th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.<br /><br />Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"<br />Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"<br />Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."<br /><br />Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.<br />I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.<br /><br />I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.<br /><br /><strong>24th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)<br /><br />I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??<br /><br />So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)<br />I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.<br /><br /><strong>25th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!<br /><br />He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.<br /><br />The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.<br /><br />Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.<br /><br />After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.<br /><br /><strong>28th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.<br /><br />We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.<br /><br />I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-<br /><br />Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.<br /><br />"Yeah"<br /><br />"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."<br /><br />"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."<br /><br />"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"<br /><br />"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"<br /><br />Then we were talking about us and our differences...<br /><br />Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."<br /><br />Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"<br /><br />Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."<br /><br />Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."<br /><br />Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.<br /><br />Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?<br /><br />We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."<br /><br />Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"<br /><br />Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."<br /><br />She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-89231362952301294372007-12-07T01:09:00.000-08:002007-12-13T16:29:15.971-08:00<p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#660000;">What are we all fighting for?</span></strong></p><p><strong>13th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.<br /><br />Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.<br /><br />My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.<br /><br />Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."<br /><br />I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?<br /><br />I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."<br /><br />Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"<br /><br />While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!<br /><br />It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:<br /><br />"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."<br /><br />Me: "You? I could dump you too."<br /><br />Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."<br /><br />Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"<br /><br />I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.<br /><br />This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.<br /><br />We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.<br /><br />Will that work? Is it THAT easy?<br /><br />While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Hi my dear! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!</span></strong><br /><br />Here is my reply:<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Oh my dear angel!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.</span></strong><br /><br /><br /><br /></p><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.<br /><br />Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.<br /><br />Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.<br /><br />Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghajar">Ghajar</a>).<br /><br />Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.<br /><br />All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.<br /><br />20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.<br /><br />Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.<br /><br />This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.<br /><br />All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.<br /><br />We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.<br /><br />I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.<br /><br />I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.<br /><br />Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.<br /><br />It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.<br /><br />So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.<br /><br />How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?<br /><br />You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-23792718483894419302007-11-29T17:32:00.000-08:002007-11-30T06:22:32.330-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Wrong course of action</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>10th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Today I'm 2 years in the army, whohoo!<br /><br /><strong>11th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />I had a chat with Natalie this evening. Everything is so perfect in our relationship right now. We exchange sweet words and... just when it seemed that things couldn't get better, she asked: "Did you talk to her (Angel)?". My attempts of changing the subject end in failure.<br /><br />The thing is... We both agreed that we would stop talking to our x's. She would stop talking to Amir and I would stop chatting with Angel.<br /><br />A week ago she violated the agreement. She talked to Amir. Why? She said he owed her a picture of his half naked body. WTF?! She algo gave him her own photo. When she told me that, I said I'd talk to Angel too, and so I did.<br /><br />I only asked her "what's new?". She told me that she works in a hotel 11 hours a day, 5 days a week and earns only 300-400 euro per month... that's less than 2 euro per hour! She said it's part of her 3-year long apprenticeship program. It's tough. She doesn't have any time off between school and work, only a few days in July. After telling me that, she had disconnected.<br /><br />Natalie was upset upon hearing my answer. She started crying and said that I ruined her mood. I regretted telling her that, or perhaps for talking to Angel. I can't lie. Even if the truth really really hurts, it's just wrong no matter how you look at it...<br /><br />Natalie was so angry at Angel. She said she'd think of a way to make her life miserable. "I have contacts, I have money, I have plans! You'll see how this $#%$ $ $#@@ $# will be burning in hell! I'll make sure she regrets messing with me". Her words were so shocking that I couldn't believe it was her speaking.<br /><br />Later that night when I was thinking about it all she suddenly called me. "Hello?" "I love you! I love you very very much!!! I really really love you, my dear!"<br /><br />I was shocked. "wow, ummm... thanks! Listen... could you call me in a couple of minutes? I'm in the toilet right now."<br /><br />Later she explained her behavior by saying that it's just one of those moods... Unfortunately, I'm afraid it was nothing more that just a temporary burst of feelings that was to go away in a matter of seconds.<br /><br /><strong>12th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />This morning we had a training exercise with our howitzers. We had a short break when other teams were practicing. That's when Natalie called me all of a sudden.<br /><br />Natalie: "Hi, I've got a question for you... Who's Rog?" Rog is the ICQ nickname of a friend of mine from high school. I was surprised! "How do you know him?"<br /><br />Natalie: "I'm in your ICQ. Where is he?"<br />"What?! How did you get my ICQ list?"<br />"A friend of mine, Dannie, hacked into it."<br />She hacked into my ICQ?! WHAT THE?!<br />"What? How could you?! Do you know my password?"<br />"Of course I do."<br />"Really? What is it then?"<br />"Tell me who is Rog!"<br />"I'm not telling you until you tell me my password!"<br />"I don't know it, he just hacked into your ICQ with some program and I took (Angel)'s detalis."<br /><br />I couldn't believe it! Is this the girl I've been dating for the last 4 months?! One day she's an angel, the other day she's a devil?!<br /><br />How could she invade my privacy like that? How could she lie to me about the password?<br /><br />I was angry at her. I told her she mustn't dare hurting Angel. Upon hearing me protecting Angel like that, she became angry and was deeply hurt. Then I told her that it's not personal, that I'd have done the same thing if anyone threatened her (Natalie).<br /><br />Even if I love her, I can't see my girlfriend turning into a demon, being consumed by hatred and desire for revenge.<br /><br />I warned Angel of Natalie's possible intentions. I'm sorry that it had come to this.<br /><br />Natalie later told me how she cried the whole day. People kept asking her if she had an allergy, because her eyes were all watery, they didn't see her cry, so they thought it was an allergy.<br /><br />At work, she yelled at her employer and his kids after being upset for the whole day.<br /><br />At noon, Natalie asked me to come online. I opened the ICQ page on my cellphone but she wasn't on. Angel was online, though.<br /><br />Angel was the first to write me a message. It looked suspicious, because she never writes me first. I didn't buy it! I thought it was Natalie pretending to be Angel. "Natalie, I can't believe you'd do that! It's not funny."<br /><br />A minute later Natalie was online and Angel replied to me in a way that I clearly recognized her. I was wrong!<br /><br />Angel said Natalie requested her permission to be added to her contact list, but Angel ignored it. She also said that she's in "invisible" mode so that Natalie can't see her online. "I'll be the first to write you, from now on. ;)" Angel wrote.<br /><br />Natalie's employer harassed her again. He offered to please her sexually, saying some nasty things that a 15 year old girl wouldn't want to hear from a 40 year old man, who's not only married with kids but is also her boss at the moment.<br /><br />Shachar: "You know what I think?"<br />Natalie: "No, I don't care what youthink."<br />Shachar: "You want me to tell you?"<br />Natalie: "No, I don't!!"<br />Shachar: "Why?"<br />Natalie: "Because I don't wanna talk about such things with you, do you understand?"<br /><br />By the evening we became friends again. She was sorry for invading my privacy.<br /><br />As I was lying in my bed, I imagined Angel and felt something deep in my heart. However, when I imagined Natalie in my mind, I barely felt a thing. I don't know why...<br /><br />Maybe it's because I miss Angel a lot. Or is it because she's the one I truly love? What if I were in the opposite situation - being with Natalie for 2 years and dating Angel for 4 months. Would I feel more for Natalie then?<br /><br />Natalie says she loves me very much... that she'll be willing to take any rational or irrational action to make sure that I stay with her and keep loving her. "Why can't you compromise everything that you have for the sake of our relationship? It means that you don't love me enough. If you protect this $#*@ (she refers to Angel) it only proves that you have feelings for her."<br /><br />Maybe I do, but I love YOU, Natalie. Yet, the things that you do make me love you much less. These actions of revenge, of hatred reveal your negative side. If you want me to stay with you, you should know that your current actions only give the opposite result.<br /><br />My best friend Daniel wanted to add a post of his own to my diary. I don't let him or anyone else read my diary, but if they want to share their thoughts then are welcome to write too.<br /><br />(Untouched. Only added some commas and censored the names.)<br /><strong><em>"This entry is filled with contents by... Me! (Daniel). Basically I asked IsraeliDiary to write in it, so here goes..</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>Anyway, today consisted of a few main activities. I drove the cannon today to our alternative firing spot. It was fun as usual, since I hate driving, but I heard that our crewmen got hit by falling, non-secured projectiles because I got reckless with my driving.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>After the training was behind us, IsraeliDiary told me that Natalie had cut her wrist veins just for the fun of it. Yes, I was shocked at the moment, but he said that something similar happened a while ago and I wondered if this girl is normal. </em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>I suddenly realize that my handwriting is ugly and I'll make an effort to write nice on the next phrases.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>I don't know about IsraeliDiary, but I think he should have told Natalie that it hurts him too, to hear that his girlfriend is doing insane actions on herself. I hope she will understand that this sort of things kick the shit out of him and if I'm worried about her, I can't imagine what IsraeliDiary feels.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>But f**k it. I don't need to get in their affairs. It's their business and f**k it even if she jumps off the Azrieli towers.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>At afterdark, we went to play some soccer and usually we lost (because of me, duhhh) but we did win once and we had the spirit. It was nice but I still prefer ping-pong, where I won already two players. (I still s**k, but luckily I beat them: IsraeliDiary is easy prey, but Drori is my league. I'll practice on him more.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>The guitar is proceeding slowly and everything quiet at home so this is me signing off...</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>Goodbye cruel world!!! Nah... never mind, good night."</em></strong><br /><br />(I don't remember what day it happened but...)<br />Natalie had cut her wrist and accidentally cut her vein along with it. The blood wouldn't stop flowing and I was about to panic! I quickly ran to our medic and asked for advice. Eventually, she poured some alcohol on the injury and covered it with a plaster, the bleeding stopped.<br /><br />Why did she cut herself? Her explanation was simple: She just felt like doing it. She used to cut herself before too, but I hoped that she'd stopped. This isn't normal! For whatever reasons she did that, it must never happen again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-32650625991810248892007-11-02T15:09:00.000-07:002007-11-03T08:50:38.151-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Fine moments that bring us closer together</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><strong></strong><br /><strong>24th July, 2005</strong><br /><br /><br />I was sitting in my room when Michael, my officer, entered and called me out for a talk. He told me I was chosen to represent our battery in an interview tomorrow by the Russian-Israeli television NTV. They'll interview our battery commander and a few other soldiers as well.<br /><br />I called my family and friends and notified them about it.<br /><br /><strong>25th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />The interview has been eventually cancelled.<br /><br />I talked to Angel today. I missed her so much!<br /><br />I told her about everything, including how I feel for her and about Natalie's demand that we stop communicating. She said I could either talk to her in secret, without letting Natalie know, or we could do as she says.<br /><br />"If I don't be with Natalie in a year from now, would you want us to be together?" "Yes, I do."<br /><br />No, I don't intend to break up with Natalie, I'm just considering all the possibilities here.<br /><br />After this conversation I realized that I can't just walk away from Angel. Natalie didn't want to hear about it... "It's either me or her!" After a while we reached an agreement: I explained her of the situation, meaning I can't give Angel up unless I have a guarantee that we'll be together until the end. If we keep fighting like that and I leave Angel, I'll end up losing you both.<br /><br />I told her she should go to northern Tel Aviv and meet those rich guys that Shachar was talking about, to find out what she really wants. I agreed to stop communication with Angel in case she agrees to go with it until the end.<br /><br /><strong>29th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />Angel showed up online. I didn't talk to her. She didn't start talking to me either.<br />Meanwhile, my relationship with Natalie was improving...<br /><br /><strong>1st August, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie doesn't feel anything for Amir anymore. Today he's coming over to her place for a few hours. She says she loves me very very much and promises that she would restrain herself around Amir.<br /><br />Fine, let them meet...<br /><br />The result is... They sat in her room for a while and chatted. There was one moment that their lips met, but then she thought of me and pushed him away. Afterwards, they visited the Azrieli towers. In a deserted corridor leading to the restrooms they stood, facing each other.<br /><br />Amir: "Can I kiss you."<br />Natalie: "I don't know." (?!)<br />Amir: "Well... can I?"<br /><br />She explained this by saying the she didn't want to upset him by saying "no". Instead, she leaned ahead and kissed him lightly on the lips, smiling. It seems she still has some feelings for him, but clearly less.<br /><br /><strong>3rd August, 2005</strong><br /><br />She arrived to my place, meeting me downstairs. "Where's the warm hug that I so greatly deserve?" I hugged her from behind, kissing her cheeks, the sweet sensation, the smell of her hair, feelings that I can't really describe.<br /><br /><strong>5th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />We agreed to meet at her place this morning at 10:30am, then take our bikes and travel around Tel Aviv, crossing the whole Ha-Yarkon park and proceeding down to the beach.<br /><br />I was getting late. Arrived at 10:50am to her place, only to find out that she hadn't even woke up. It took her a looong time to get ready. Girls...<br /><br />At 12:30pm we set out on a long journey. Riding the bycicle with her was a lot of fun. The windy weather and the beautiful park have only contributed to the wonderful atmosphere.<br /><br />In the middle of the park there's a small lake where boats can be rented. It was a great idea of hers. We took a boat and spent an hour at the lake. The sun was setting. It was so quiet and peaceful.<br /><br />"In 30 years from now, you'd come here to this very place and see that nothing here has changed. But at the same time, nothing would be the same as before. The leaves, falling from the trees would remind you of your youth, times that you cannot bring back, great times. You would shed a tear, wishing you could experience it all again. So enjoy it now as much as possible."<br /><br />That wasn't very encouraging, but she remembered those words...<br /><br />We proceeded to the beach heading far into the south, until we've reached the mall on Allenby st. next to the fountains. We went up to the top floor and ordered food in a restaurant-bar the name of which I couldn't qutie recall. The food was awful. It came in small quantities in contrast to its price.<br /><br />On our way back home, we saw a lot of police cars patrolling around. Natalie said it's because of a high drug-sale activity in this area. She used to volunteer in the national guard a year ago, that's how she knows it. Her brother volunteers in the police.<br /><br />She says he worked in Jaffo - a part of southern Tel Aviv, inhabited mostly by Israeli Arabs. I told her about the cops I met in roadblocks. She says her brother is no less racist than them. Great! Dad's a stalinist, mom's his executive dictator and her brother is a racist cop. Hmm... If I marry her one day, that will be my family? *chills* Poor Natalie... :(<br /><br /><strong>6th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />My dad booked a room in the hotel "Sun" in Bat Yam for me and Natalie. We took a cab over there at 12pm. The hotel looked very nice.<br /><br />I approached the reception desk and asked for the key registered on my name. The receptionist looked for it and didn't find any rooms booked on my name. I called my dad and he talked to the woman at the desk. It turns out he booked a room from a different receptionist who worked here yesterday. After 2 minutes of hearing him yelling at her, she opened a drawer and found it.<br /><br />I pitied the woman. Judging by the look on her pale face, this call had ruined her day. :(<br /><br />She gave me 2 keys - room 301 and 404, to choose which one would be more suitable for us. Room 512, which was originally booked for us has already been taken by someone else. It's alright, mistakes happen.<br /><br />Room 301 faced the swimming pool and the sea. The other one faced a deserted tennis and soccer courts and a big pile of garbage, just outside the hotel.<br /><br />We really had a great time together. We ate at a Japenese-Chinese restaurant. The food was great. This time the meal was big enough to feed 4 people and the price was the same.<br /><br />The waiter that served us was a cute Russian 20+ girl who reminded me of Lena, my step-cousin. I gave her a relatively big tip - 20NIS. But that's not only because she was cute, I just didn't have any coins. =)<br /><br />The swimming pool closed down at 7pm, so we went to the sea instead. The water wasn't cold. It looked like it was Natalie's first swimming experience. She seeked refuge in my arms with every incoming wave. She screamed often, but in overall I think she enjoyed swimming with me.<br /><br />We layed down on the sand, watching the sun sink in the horizon, painting the sky in pink and red.<br /><br />We kissed. She told me how much she enjoys spending time with me. She wanted to spend the night here with me, since we have to be checked out tomorrow morning, but her parents had forbid her.<br /><br />The sun was setting down fast, as they were arguing and shouting over the phone. She hung up several times, unable to listen to her parents much longer. For the next 10 minutes she was crying and there was nothing I could to help. It was only later that I was able to comfort her and help her deal with whatever her parents had said.<br /><br />Her mother wanted to speak to me. She said that she wants to see her daughter back home by 10pm, that I'm in charge and therefore I shouldn't surrender to Natalie's pleads, that our stay wasn't planned to extend until tomorrow morning and that we're not a married couple to do such things. (Are you kidding me? I have to be married in order to her to spend a night with her alone?!)<br /><br />It would have been pointless arguing with her.<br /><br />My dad picked us up at 9pm and brought us to her place. I'd been thinking about her on my way home.<br /><br />I love her so much. It's been so great together...<br /><br /><strong>7th August, 2005</strong><br /><br />We spent some time at my place. After her work, we'd met at the entrance to the mall in Givataim. I was late, but to my surprise she wasn't mad at me. It's usually easy to upset her.<br /><br />We went to the cinema and watched "Sky high", it was an average movie. I walked her home and it was time for us to part. Tomorrow I'm back in the army again.<br /><br />It was hard. She didn't want to get inside the elevator. I held her tight and when I started leaving, I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes. I couldn't go... I ran back and held her tighter, kissing her passionately. Tears were now all over our faces. It was getting even more difficult for us to part.<br /><br />I had to let her go... for now.<br /><br />She entered the elevator. The time slowed down... We were looking at each other as the door slowly closed down between us.<br /><br />A single moment later I felt a wave of melancholy surge through my body. I felt pain in my chest. Why is it so hard to part? The thought of not seeing her again for 16 days... My eyes were becoming watery.<br /><br />Natalie!!! I don't wanna fight with you anymore.<br /><br />Is it always up to me? Can I control it?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-88389877264675614432007-10-27T02:42:00.000-07:002007-10-27T05:15:35.140-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Making the right choice? Only time will tell</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>18th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.<br /><br />It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.<br /><br />I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.<br /><br />When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.<br /><br />At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.<br /><br />He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.<br /><br />By the evening we were back to the base.<br /><br /><strong>19th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.<br /><br />As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"<br /><br /><strong>21st July, 2005</strong><br /><br />We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.<br /><br />In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.<br /><br />She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?<br /><br />She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.<br /><br />After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.<br /><br />Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.<br /><br />Break up for 1 month? And then what?!<br /><br />16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!<br /><br />Things will change, I'm sure of that.<br /><br />It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!<br /><br />I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.<br /><br />I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.<br /><br /><strong>22nd July, 2005</strong><br /><br />Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.<br /><br />"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."<br /><br />The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.<br /><br />I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....<br /><br />"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."<br /><br />"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."<br /><br />Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."<br /><br />Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)<br /><br />I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.<br /><br />Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.<br /><br /><strong>The Presentation</strong><br /><br />2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.<br /><br />The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.<br /><br />Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...<br />More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."<br />She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."<br /><br />(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)<br /><br />During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...<br /><br />The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...<br /><br />I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."<br /><br />She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.<br /><br />"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!<br /><br />On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."<br /><br />On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:<br /><br />There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.<br /><br />She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.<br /><br />So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?<br /><br />What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.<br /><br />Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.<br /><br />In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?<br /><br />Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-58804388524205663032007-10-20T02:20:00.000-07:002007-10-20T04:14:06.956-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Back at home for 5 days</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong>13th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />4 months have passed. A wave of new soldiers arrive, some young soldiers leave for commander's course, the oldest soldiers of Aug '02 get released from the army, new commanders and officers. A lot of changes, especially this time.<br /><br />Yesterday evening, Matan told us he's leaving. He's going to be a desk-worker commander at the headquarters of our regiment. A new commander, a year younger than me is supposed to replace him. 2 other commanders in the battery will be replaced by fresh Aug '04 arrivals. 2 new officers will join our battery. Even our battery's commander is getting replaced.<br /><br />Soldiers of Nov '04, who've just finished their advanced training, are supposed to come on 17th. When they join the battery I will no longer have to guard at the base. There'll be enough soldiers younger than me to guard everyday.<br /><br />2 soldiers from my team are leaving. One of them is getting released from the army due to personal issues after having a conversation with our regiment's psychiatrist, the other one is going to be a desk worker, he's lowered his profile and is going to serve close to his home, due to some serious problems in the family.<br /><br />Ravit is leaving us too. Everybody hates her and are happy she's leaving. Not me. I like her and admire her for her achievements in the battery. She volunteered to serve 3 years in the army, she worked hard and became a commander.<br /><br />Even though girls in artillery corps can only be assigned as responsible for sending out coordinates (rather than carrying 43kg shells), she's done some hard work, dealing with everything professionally, helping out and staying late.<br /><br />I'm sure it wasn't easy at all to be the only female commander in the battery. It looked like the whole battery was physically attracted to her. What about her character? I guess only her team and the other commanders know her real character, if at all. Everybody hates her for being so professional, for never being off guard. She was doing everything by the book and there's nothing that soldiers hate more than commanders who do everything by the book.<br /><br />I don't know where she gets all that strength and I wonder how she's like in real life, off duty.<br /><br />Today I'm released home. That means that when I go back, I won't recognize my battery. So many changes...<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />The demons are now gone. The clouds have dispersed. When I'm back from the army, all my troubles disappear. My relationship with Natalie only blossoms.<br /><br />I have celebrated my birthday at a park, inviting all of my relatives. Natalie was there too. She felt uncomfortable around so many strangers and wanted me to spend most of the time with her.<br /><br />On one hand I felt uncomfortable leaving her on her own, on the other hand I felt it was wrong to ditch my whole family whom I haven't seen for at least a year.<br /><br />I ended up spending with her most of the day, giving her full attention. I didn't feel good about it.<br /><br />Before the park, she gave me her birthday gifts. It was a red, heart shaped cushion and a small book of love sayings. Oh Natalie! She does it every time, she melts my heart. As I write this (in my diary), I wanna hug her again! It was a good day for me. =)<br /><br />On the next day I received a notice on my cellphone. It was Matan. He asked that I come to a hospital in Petah-Tikva tomorrow. All the soldiers who were released home had been called up to volunteer in a certain activity, to make IDF look friendly.<br /><br />We don't have any problems with volunteering and doing something good for Israeli citizens. But when you're forced to do it, and when it's being done on the very few days that you get to be home after being stuck for half a month in the army, it's a totally different story!<br /><br />Some guys had to come all the way from Haifa or Beer Sheva just for a few hours. The whole day was wasted for them.<br /><br />It was our last day at home. We all met at Schneider hospital at 12:30pm. When everyone arrived, we walked a short distance to a kindergarden nearby. It was a special kindergarden for autistic children. We were split to 2 teams. One would paint the kindergarden, the other would play with children.<br /><br />I chose playing with the children. There was a kid whose name is Or, he's 5 years old and he already knows gimatry (numerical value of letters). He knows English, he knows how to spell words right, he can translate certain words from Hebrew to English. At age 5 he knows multiplication. When he grows up he's going to be the next Einstein!<br /><br />There was another kid, her name's Sarah. She likes hugging people. She came to me, hugged me tight and sat on my laps.<br /><br />She was so happy. I was so shocked<br /><br />The caretakers told her not to touch people, but she would walk around and touch soldiers. It really looked like she enjoyed doing it.<br /><br />I met Natalie in the evening. We went to the beach and ordered a pizza at the restaurant.<br /><br />When she walked to the bathroom, I saw that guy who was selling roses. I called him up and I bought one. I thought it was my opportunity to make it up for the last time, when I didn't have enough cash in my wallet to buy her a rose.<br /><br />I wanted to surprise her. I hid the rose under the table. When she came back from the bathroom I handed it to her. It made her very happy. Her smile was definitely worth the 20 shekels.<br /><br />After dinner we sat on a bench facing the sea, spending the last minutes talking about life, hugging and kissing.<br /><br />It was time to go home. We called a cab.<br /><br />It is when we part that she shows me how much she loves me. She kept begging me to stay. She almost cried. I asked her not to think about it. Time will pass by fast, it's alright.<br /><br />The first few minutes without her are always the hardest, realizing that I'm not going to see her for a long time. One minute you're having a great time with your girlfriend, the other minute you're back at the army.<br /><br />Soon the demons will come out again. They will attempt to destroy our relationship. What will happen this time, I wonder... She still haven't told me that one secret that, according to her words, would make me break up with her.<br /><br />As much as I don't wanna break up with her, I want to know the truth. I can always lie to myself and pretend that everything is perfect. But how many lies can I keep telling myself?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-20326668196130879962007-10-13T04:36:00.000-07:002007-10-13T07:04:34.179-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Mixed feelings and unstable relationships</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>3rd July, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."<br /><br />Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?<br /><br />After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.<br /><br />"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."<br /><br />She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.<br /><br />It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!<br /><br />I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.<br /><br />There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.<br /><br />How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!<br /><br />"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."<br /><br />"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."<br /><br />Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.<br /><br />I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.<br /><br />Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.<br /><br />This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"<br /><br />Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.<br />What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!<br /><br />She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."<br /><br />At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.<br />"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."<br /><br />She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.<br /><br />Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".<br /><br /><strong>4th July, 2005</strong><br /><br />I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.<br /><br />Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?<br /><br />She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.<br /><br />"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."<br /><br />What?!<br /><br />She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.<br /><br />"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.<br /><br />She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.<br /><br />My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.<br /><br />"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."<br /><br />I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.<br /><br />How could she do this? What was she thinking?!<br /><br />"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."<br /><br />She agreed.<br /><br />Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.<br /><br />When I talked to her again, I still had questions...<br /><br />"How long have you kissed?"<br /><br />S-H-O-C-K!<br /><br />A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!<br /><br />"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!<br /><br />How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?<br /><br />My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?<br /><br />The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?<br /><br />"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.<br /><br />I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.<br /><br />I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br />Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.<br /><br />This is getting nowhere.<br /><br />This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)<br /><br />She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."<br /><br />Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.<br /><br />I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.<br /><br />It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.<br /><br />Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."<br />Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."<br /><br />She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?<br /><br />This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.<br /><br />Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.<br /><br />Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.<br /><br />I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.<br /><br />I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.<br /><br />What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-4064604072592013482007-09-28T03:15:00.000-07:002007-10-03T05:03:53.513-07:00<span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;"><strong>Welcome to the Northern border</strong></span><br /><br /><strong>28th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />If only I knew how hard this day was going to be, I'd have wished that I didn't wake up.<br /><br />7:00-9:00 - Morning duties - Base cleaning? Not good enough. Punishment: Repeat at 12am.<br />10:00-13:00 - Guarding at the bunker.<br />13:00-13:30 - Lunch break.<br />13:30 - 17:45 - Reforming the whole base - moving stuff from one place to another, weeding, general cleaning and doing other things in preparation for the incoming VIPs. Minister of defense Shaul Mofaz, major general Dan Halutz and major general Benny Gantz.<br /><br />Working in this heat made us very tired.<br /><br />The press came - channels 10, 11 and 22, newspaper and radio journalists. Supervised by security officers, the military chiefs entered our briefing hall.<br /><br />Each one of them spoke to us on his turn. They've said that we are currently the primary force in the northern border, the first to respond to Hezbollah's attacks in this region. Benny Gantz said that it is likely that we will engage in artillery fire during our stay here, and that the enemy may fire back on us. Mofaz said that he counts on us, that we look like good soldiers and an excellent regiment. During the upcoming Gaza strip's disengagement, it is most probable that Hezbollah would attempt to escalate the tensions in the northern border.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrNCoSpgDWhVttcE1kzyKMyxf-rHGt1kdERFvrbVu_bnDxHLR6mSuQSCZC5SM6kDDEBdsEMfGKUPI-KQjtDhmr6i_-Nv3pWug7eB5hsRaIbS8hlA5ILCpVDI1sV2H89S91Kl-s/s1600-h/north10.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117069272380857730" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrNCoSpgDWhVttcE1kzyKMyxf-rHGt1kdERFvrbVu_bnDxHLR6mSuQSCZC5SM6kDDEBdsEMfGKUPI-KQjtDhmr6i_-Nv3pWug7eB5hsRaIbS8hlA5ILCpVDI1sV2H89S91Kl-s/s320/north10.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />After the speechs they've asked us some questions. Then we had the opportunity to ask them.<br /><br />One of my friends had asked Shaul Mofaz something about IDF's intel, giving him precise numbers and detailed explanation. Shaul Mofaz was quite impressed. He said that even he didn't know these details and then he offered my friend to become an officer. My friend thanked him but rejected the offer.<br /><br />Benny gave us a few minutes to make a run to our howitzers and get ready to fire. Although we were located on the northern border, we could still turn our cannons 180 degrees and fire at military training fields in Israel.<br /><br />On Benny's signal, we all took our m16's and ran as fast as we could. The 3 VIPs, accompanied by the press came by to watch us in action.<br /><br />After a short whlie, they all left. Not an hour later, we were informed that there was some shooting at the northern border, in a base located on mount Hermon.<br /><br />On the next hour we received an update - it was 2 soldiers who fired at the shooting range without proper orders and without informing anybody. False alarm...<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja4Q-BHcFrkeYXZpVpm5p6jt7yzssQg_HljF9b1qSTEmm_AQFCaqlWj6H983dKFNmJH39BTWyqgZkRs9Q1lpGBJINaqVpadkOIW0is5aWbRK6Orq6tMXfgzdJmwLHuS0sSD6LE/s1600-h/north3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117068829999226226" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja4Q-BHcFrkeYXZpVpm5p6jt7yzssQg_HljF9b1qSTEmm_AQFCaqlWj6H983dKFNmJH39BTWyqgZkRs9Q1lpGBJINaqVpadkOIW0is5aWbRK6Orq6tMXfgzdJmwLHuS0sSD6LE/s320/north3.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrqghmLl9hZcmzbxLEDA8iURzOZXQQn7WshdcrwGOXnF9MqbyMh5pJCwvYEgOCOH_zFHeAPiNg_WCfSu2vAa28pXDdhyhBEoTSVSSiFUMiFLzZRUMRcFCnnOnsac0DV5q6RACa/s1600-h/north1.jpg"></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrqghmLl9hZcmzbxLEDA8iURzOZXQQn7WshdcrwGOXnF9MqbyMh5pJCwvYEgOCOH_zFHeAPiNg_WCfSu2vAa28pXDdhyhBEoTSVSSiFUMiFLzZRUMRcFCnnOnsac0DV5q6RACa/s1600-h/north1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117065269471337826" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrqghmLl9hZcmzbxLEDA8iURzOZXQQn7WshdcrwGOXnF9MqbyMh5pJCwvYEgOCOH_zFHeAPiNg_WCfSu2vAa28pXDdhyhBEoTSVSSiFUMiFLzZRUMRcFCnnOnsac0DV5q6RACa/s320/north1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />It was around 8:30pm when we were called to the dining room for dinner. Filling my dish with fresh food, there was no better time for us to have some rest and eat some quality food.<br /><br />As I was looking for a free table to sit, a loud voice announced: "Red alert! Red alert!"<br /><br />There was a split-second that dozens of soldiers, sitting at the dining room were literally frozen in their seats. Then, everyone suddenly jumped up and started running out of the dining room as fast as they could. Food was flying in the air, chairs were being thrown down, causing some guys to stumble. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before!<br /><br />(the exact words weren't really "Red alert" as you might guess, but it doesn't matter)<br /><br />We were all in our howitzers ready for orders. Within the next minute, we were informed why we were here. A group of 5 armed subjects have crossed the blue line (the Israeli-Lebanese border) and are very close to one of Israel's forward-most bases. Special forces have set an ambush and were waiting for them to come.<br /><br />We were sitting in our howitzers until 12:20am. Then some of the teams were released to their rooms, whle others stayed inside the vehicles in full military readiness.<br /><br />While still wearing military uniform and boots, they had to sleep either next to the vehicles, or inside them. Dinner was brought outside - it was nothing but a chocolate drink "shoko" and 2 slices of watermelon for each one. The rest of the food was thrown away. Why?!<br /><br />I went to my room and fell asleep... but 20 minutes later, one of the soldiers woke me up and told me that it was my turn to guard, from 1am until 4am. Thanks to the internet on my cellphone, I didn't fall asleep. After over 1.8 years in the army, I was no longer supposed to guard at night, but talking to the sergeant in charge didn't help. He said there weren't enough soldiers, that those who are in their vehicles could not guard.<br /><br />At 4:30 I could finally asleep... until 6am. Matan woke us up and told us to come to our howitzer to sleep there. It was our turn to be in readiness. As much as I was tired, lying down on rocks in the light of the rising sun, I couldn't fall asleep.<br /><br /><strong>29th June, 2005<br /></strong><br />A massive demonstration was about to take place in Israel. Thousands of settlers and their supporters would go out in the streets and block the roads. Some of our soldiers support the settlers, but as soldiers we are taught to put politics aside. We can discuss it with each other (not in public), but in the end we have to follow orders.<br /><br />2 teams were going to be released home today. They all dressed up in their A-type uniforms, when the alarm sounded again. Everyone ran to their vehicles. We received a report that Hezbollah has attacked a base on mount Dov. My team was the first to be ready. We fired 4 shells for ranging calculations. The rest of the teams joined us later and fired shells on different targets across mount Dov.<br /><br />The excitement was huge. A few cars with reporters and cameramen have gathered behind our base on the road uphill.<br /><br />The 2 teams who were supposed to go home today had to forget about it. The bus didn't arrive at all.<br /><br />They joined us, carrying shells and preparing the ammunition while still wearing their clean A-type uniforms.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyQGk18gZA374oCg6uTPZCYEei6o5Jva7pxXr4AQy-yJsNRrvq-3fYqYWns_xCkyaSNcaW3afecA4DY_n_et0cyVFjGXXYQnA-jWD3rLWvzXI-VWJeirDblSaG7TGOwcW1zQDy/s1600-h/north16.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117072759894302130" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyQGk18gZA374oCg6uTPZCYEei6o5Jva7pxXr4AQy-yJsNRrvq-3fYqYWns_xCkyaSNcaW3afecA4DY_n_et0cyVFjGXXYQnA-jWD3rLWvzXI-VWJeirDblSaG7TGOwcW1zQDy/s320/north16.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Smoke was rising all over mount Dov. Hezbollah's mortar fire was quite massive. We could hear mortars falling non-stop one after the other. There were quiet moments sometimes, but most of the time the fighting was intense.<br /><br />As a navigator, I was partially in charge of our howitzer's accuracy. It was tense, but fun nevertheless. The other teams fired most of the shells.<br /><br />When we didn't have a firing objective, I opened up the news page on my cellphone and saw a picture of us firing. News travels fast, huh?<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD_W_WcsQLKs_uKusw1wbKBPeqOtAtB6lj5F_sdU5JQ3eqCbTMpuBqw88YDvld7GNWm6IazOy8gpaXj3MfFQt4Arwj5zlxcAiPopVlnXh6UAI3eBg1OZ9dNLiSDPU818haOsCx/s1600-h/north12.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117072278857964962" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD_W_WcsQLKs_uKusw1wbKBPeqOtAtB6lj5F_sdU5JQ3eqCbTMpuBqw88YDvld7GNWm6IazOy8gpaXj3MfFQt4Arwj5zlxcAiPopVlnXh6UAI3eBg1OZ9dNLiSDPU818haOsCx/s320/north12.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeEP90ZFkfGUikt2zOCvp45eqcr-TzI49CUbhAgWwxwoV8scfT9YXMoUF0AJ3Z4WeXLAPWKTgTExede3h8GSvjLrAT9DhVUkgLvPotAVR34ogCQWleC9azLgBo1v8pq6ub02Ic/s1600-h/north13.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117071123511762322" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeEP90ZFkfGUikt2zOCvp45eqcr-TzI49CUbhAgWwxwoV8scfT9YXMoUF0AJ3Z4WeXLAPWKTgTExede3h8GSvjLrAT9DhVUkgLvPotAVR34ogCQWleC9azLgBo1v8pq6ub02Ic/s320/north13.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeEP90ZFkfGUikt2zOCvp45eqcr-TzI49CUbhAgWwxwoV8scfT9YXMoUF0AJ3Z4WeXLAPWKTgTExede3h8GSvjLrAT9DhVUkgLvPotAVR34ogCQWleC9azLgBo1v8pq6ub02Ic/s1600-h/north13.jpg"></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />We saw a smoke rising near the city of Kiryat Shmona. All its citizens were asked to enter bombing shelters. In the end, it was a rocket that accidentally fell from an Israeli jet.<br /><br />An hour later, IDF's special forces have located a Hezbollah's squad of militants who were on their way to infiltrate an Israeli base (to kill and kidnap soldiers). They opened fire on them. The militants returned fire and injured one of the soldiers. It was a doctor. As he was bleeding, he instructed the others how to treat him.<br /><br />My team fired 3 smoke shells to cover their retreat. They were successfully evacuated by a helicopter. We could see a giant smoke rising up on top of the mountain. It had the form of a mushroom. This was photographed by reporters and was all over the newspapers the following day. They also showed us on the news the same evening. Everybody'd call their friends and family to turn on the TV and watch news.<br /><br />Hezbollah had inflicted a direct hit on one of Israeli front bases. As a result, 1 soldier was killed and 2 others were lightly wounded. The Israeli air force bombed various Hezbollah targets in Lebanon - that's what the newspapers reported, barely mentioning us, the artillery.<br /><br />By 9:30pm we were free to go and get some rest. I called Natalie. I informed her earlier that I was going to be on the news, but her brother didn't let her watch TV. She gets so upset because of her family and told me her parents always enslave her, yell at her and tell her how useless and stupid she is. They even said that they regret that she was ever born! How could normal parents say such things?! I can't believe this!<br /><br />"What's the point of living? perhaps there's a better life for me on the other side. Nobody needs me. I can easily commit a suicide and end it all. I didn't fear cutting myself, I once even cut myself very close to he vein."<br /><br />I told her that I really need her, that she's important to me and many other people. I know, nothing is compared to the love of a family. Everybody should have loving parents. Parents who don't love their children, don't deserve to have any children in the first place. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for children whose parents don't show them any love. It is ten times worse if parents tell their children they hate them and regret they were ever born.<br /><br />Natalie deserves so much more than that. I wish there was something I could do for her. But apart from supporting her, being there and listening to her, I cannot do much. I can't interfere in their family problems.<br /><br />But I can't keep seeing her like this, being torn apart, listening to her hopeless, pain-bearing voice and unable to do anything about it. At these moments, I'm willing to give up anything just to see her happy, to make all of her problems disappear.<br /><br />I know that when I finish the army, everything is going to be so much better.<br /><br />She says she doesn't commit suicide because of me. Angel once said the same.<br /><br />I could hear her father in the background yelling at her... then he snatched the phone and hung up!<br /><br />I called her again later. She kept telling me about all the terrible things her mother had said to her. How her brother once hit her in the stomach and that her dad thinks she's a failure. Could it be that she exaggerates? Maybe she's just having a bad mood and feels like the whole world hates her?<br /><br />Is it possible that you misinterpret your folks? That was stupid of me to ask. Instead of supporting her, I'm being objective on this? She wanted to tell me some things, but changed her mind. She said she'd tell such things to Amir because he could really hear her out, support and comfort her, unlike me. Sigh. She had to go. She hung up.<br /><br />It really hurt me to hear her say that. I can't make her happy whenever she's down, but Amir can?<br /><br />I agree that there should always be a good friend to whom you could tell everything, someone who will always support you no matter what, but I also think that there should be no secrets or unknown details between two people who love each other. Hiding information from each other eventually form a base of misunderstandings and conflicts of various kinds.<br /><br />We should be like one soul, aware of each other's joy and pain.<br /><br />"Don't you ever hesitate to hurt me and tell me the whole truth, for it would hurt much more if you do"<br /><br />12:30am - We went to bed after finishing some work on our howitzers.<br />2:30am - We were called up again. Special forces have set up an ambush. We had to be in full readiness and back them up, provide some cover if needed.<br />4:10am - We were released to bed.<br />6am - We were called up again to stay and sleep near the howitzers.<br />7:00am - Guarding duties.<br />8:30am - Military readiness, again.<br />10am - Special forces saw 2 gunmen approach them. They opened fire and hit one of them.<br /><br /><strong>2nd July, 2005</strong><br /><br />Lucky for us, things have calmed down by Firday. On Saturday, we finally had some rest. I watched some movies, slept well at night and had a talk with Natalie.<br /><br />She's so sweet! With each passing day I miss her more and more. It's so pleasant to hear her angelic voice, to hear her giggle.<br /><br />Our relationship seems to be so perfect, yet there's always something that ruins it. The first incident was with Amir, her x-boyfriend. She met him and they've kissed... for a second. The 2nd incident was not less disturbing - Vadim is just some guy Natalie's been chatting with. One time they turned their webcams on and he started to masturbate in front of the camera. He asked her to take off her shirt to turn him on and she did. There was a bra underneath, but still! Not only did she watch him with interest, but she had also partially cooperated with him.<br /><br />This has got to stop. It hurts me too much. She's always close to cheating on me, but I know that she wouldn't do something like that, would she?<br /><br />Even if I feel like I'm madly in love with her, even if I'd love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life, I still can't live with betrayal.<br /><br />I don't think that she could cheat on me, but I can't be sure. I'm afraid to be wrong.<br /><br />I need her to reassure me, to promise me that it'll never happen. Natalie, my sweetheart, please...<br /><br />Angel's left me to enjoy the freedom in the remaining 1.6 years in the army, to meet other girls and experience diffrent things in life. She'd also considered breaking up with me in that way. Perhaps it's the best way to break up with somebody in a long distance relationship without really hurting him too much... by doing it gradually.<br /><br />She says she misses me, that she enjoys talking to me. I'm her best friend. She's mine too. It shouldn't be this way.. Natalie should be my best friend, and I'm hers.<br /><br />I hope that we'll make a perfect couple one day. I don't give up her so easily. She's a potential human perfection.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifxqOHpmE6xKGEACObxrCmIkVJrU_kyPHMOISONd-obIdCXEBHK5TzD12GR1k2QHJbUtt5QJ0L8mwpVM3ZcPfxUOAcpXfZLck6puuOna6yUR1XyFH0M2-6k3AahnE1uWlRr2oV/s1600-h/north14.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117076900242775538" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifxqOHpmE6xKGEACObxrCmIkVJrU_kyPHMOISONd-obIdCXEBHK5TzD12GR1k2QHJbUtt5QJ0L8mwpVM3ZcPfxUOAcpXfZLck6puuOna6yUR1XyFH0M2-6k3AahnE1uWlRr2oV/s320/north14.jpg" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-65709687440381029032007-09-22T01:05:00.000-07:002007-09-23T15:01:54.496-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Until we meet again</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>10th June, 2005<br /></strong><br />Natalie told me a story about Amir... They've made a bet. She told him he can't kiss a guy so he's decided to prove otherwise.<br /><br />He met a gay guy somewhere in Arad and so he invited him on a date. They went to the cinema and after the movie was over they walked to his house and... they kissed and gave oral sex to each other. He told her they'd done everything except sex and that he's not even gay.<br /><br />Yeah, sure he's not... like, any guy would do something like that, right? No!<br /><br /><strong>12th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />Natalie works as a babysitter for one Israeli family near Weitzman st. in Givataim. The guy is over 40, he has a disabled wife and two 4-6 year old kids. Natalie comes over when they ask her to, whenever the parents wanna get some time away from their kids. But this is not the whole story... The thing is, this 40+ y.o. guy buys her presents, gives her tickets with special discounts... and he touches her whenever he drives her home, telling her about how sad and pathetic his life is. It really disgusts her, but she feels sorry for him and she really needs this work.<br /><br />"He mustn't dare touching you. You should tell him to stop, and if he ever touches you again despite your warning it's sexual harassment. You go to the police and they would take care of it."<br /><br />Is he going to try anything? She knows where he lives. She's 15. He could be put in jail for a long term...<br /><br />Today Natalie had to go to work for 2 hours. "Will you wait for me? I'll do everything in 2 hours tops and then we could hang around some more."<br /><br />Sure, why not? I pedaled my bike around the city, stopping for a drink. Then I decided to buy her a bouquet of roses. But since we were going to my place after she finishes work, I bought her a single rose so she wouldn't have to carry a whole bouquet throughout the city. I'll buy her a bouquet next time.<br /><br />I wanted to surprise her... She will call up the elevator and when the doors open, I will be standing there, with a rose in my outstreched hand...<br /><br />I was standing inside the elevator when someone pressed the button. 1st floor... 2nd floor... A stop! Wrong floor! I hid the rose behind my back. The door opened and a guy came in. He was probably surprised to see me standing in an elevator that just came up and was going back down. "You're going down?" he asked me. "Yes"<br /><br />I decided to be smarter this time... She's on the 4th floor. If she comes out of the apartment I'll be able to hear it if I stand on the stairs and listen carefully.<br /><br />I heard some noise, but before I could tell which floor it was coming from, the elevator closed and started to go up... to the 4th floor! Shit! I missed the opportunity!<br /><br />Thinking fast, I thought it'd still be surprising if I go up to the first floor and call the elevator. She wouldn't expect to see me on the first floor, right?<br /><br />I ran upstairs and pressed the button. The elevator door opened... I was about to give her the rose, but then I quickly hid it when I saw a woman standing there instead, holding a flowerpot in her hands. She thought it was the ground floor and almost went out of the elevator. I almost gave her the rose. I probably looked odd smiling at her, almost laughing there. I couldn't help it! I somehow entered the elevator and turned around without her seeing the rose. I didn't want myself to look even more odd...<br /><br />The third time it had to be it. I was standing in the elevator. It went up to the 4th floor. The door opened and there she stood. She wasn't that surprised to see me... but when I gave her the rose, she literally melted. We hugged and kissed. Mission accomplished.<br /><br />We arrived at my place and spent some good time together.<br /><br />I had a chat with Angel. I told her everything about Natalie. She didn't get hurt. The opposite, she is happy for me and encourages me to keep it that way. She says she misses me and very often wishes that I was there with her. She also says that I'm the only person that really cares about her and that she'll always love me, even if it's just a little bit. Oh Angel... you'll always be a very special friend of mine...<br /><br /><strong>13th June, 2005<br /></strong><br />We went to the beach tonight. It was so romantic walking in the sand together, feeling the breeze, holding hands and kissing. 2 days ago we did the same, only that we had very little time. Her mom is very strict. She never lets her hang out after 10pm. That means that we have to get going as early as 9:30pm, so 2 days ago we only had 1 hour at the beach.<br /><br />After standing for an hour in Yotvata (there were no seats left!) and running after the damn waitresses so they could finally care enough to take our order and give us our drinks, we walked to the beach again.<br /><br />A homeless guy asked me for money. I gave him 5 shekels. Later Natalie saw a guy selling roses. She said she wanted one. Then the guy came up to us and asked me if SHE wants a rose. That's their strategy, to make guys uncomfortable around their girlfriends and force them into buying a rose. "Sure, how much?" "20" For one rose?! At the store I bought it for 6 and he was now asking for 20. I looked inside my wallet, it looked like I didn't have enough.<br /><br />She wasn't upset that I didn't buy her a rose, the opposite, she thought it wasn't worth the money.<br /><br />We had great time at the beach and hard time parting.<br /><br />I can't believe her parents. They're really annoying! They tell her to do things that they could easily do by themselves. She has to come home and do it whenever they tell her to. They use her! Her older brother does much less! She has to clean up after him. Her dad thinks that since she's the youngest in the family and since she's a female, she has to do all the work and start to get used to it!<br /><br />What the?! She's nobody's slave!<br /><br />She told me her parents plan to leave her here in Israel and go back to Moscow once she turns 18. Her dad and their relatives have an illegal business there of selling human organs. Natalie lived most of her live in Israel. She grew up here and she doesn't want to go back to Moscow. I'll gladly become her new family. =) But it's a long time until she turns 18...<br /><br /><strong>24th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />Me and Natalie were spending time in the Azrieli towers. We ascended to the top, 49th floor of the building to enjoy the beautiful view of Tel-Aviv, when her mother called her and asked her to come home at once.<br /><br />"to do what?" I asked in a slightly disappointed tone.<br />"to clean up the toilet" !!!<br /><br />As if it can't wait! Her parents really freak me out... and there's nothing I can do about it. She's no less upset about it than I am. Besides, she's the one who has to live with them and bear it every single day.. and they never give her a break. Never.<br /><br />Now I'm waiting downstairs... 40 minutes... Until she finishes cleaning up the toilet. They probably gave her some additional tasks. Her folks don't care that I'm waiting for her outside. I don't wanna be there and witness her being enslaved and humiliated. I've already heard them scream at her once. They give me the chills.<br /><br />A woman has entered the building. She saw me sitting on the floor and writing this. She said it's not normal and asked me not to sit her like that again. She thought I was doing homework.<br /><br />When Natalie finally came back, she was holding a stock of ads in her hands.<br />"What is that?" Another task that her folks have given her.<br /><br />They wanna rent their parking spot. We were walking around the neighborhood, sticking ads. After 20 minutes she was sick of it. She threw them all away.<br /><br />We took our bikes and headed to my place. Unfortunately, Natalie fell off the bike not far away from her home. She injured her knee and her elbow. It started bleeding so we hurried back to her place. So here I am again... sitting at the entrance, waiting for her to come down again after she treats her injuries and changes her clothes.<br /><br />It's definitely not one of my best days. The same for her. *sigh*<br /><br />Funny, isn't it? How great times sometimes seem to be so bad. I have a great girlfriend, we spend good time together. What can be better than that? I should really appreciate it!<br /><br />We ate pizza and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the cinema. When we were back, we took a sit in the park beside her house.<br /><br />I had 2 more days to spend with her before I go back to the army again. The artillery training is now over. We are being sent to the northern border on Monday. I don't know when I'll be back home again. It might even be 2-3 weeks.<br /><br />She told me she has a lot of work on Sunday. I asked her to postpone her work to the evening, but she refused. She didn't want to disappoint her employer. I was upset - I was only going to see her until 2pm. She got upset too. She started crying. I hugged her and wiped her tears. "Everybody wants something from me. Everyday I have to give all of my time away, whether it's my parents telling me to do this and do that, whether it's Shachar (her employer) who asks me to come to work whenever he wants..." and sometimes it's me asking her to spend more time with me. "I don't even have time for myself, to read a book or watch TV." I couldn't believe I made her cry! It's the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I ever wanted. Nobody deserves her tears! She deserves so much more... :(<br /><br />I feel that I love her and care about her so much, I want her to smile again and forget the very meaning of crying. I walked her home. We hugged and kissed. I told her I'll always be by her side. Even when I'm not around, my spirit will always be around whenever she needs me. I'll always support her and help her in any way that I can.<br /><br />She walked towards the elevator and I walked out of the entrance door. As the door closed behind me, the time suddenly froze. I turned around to look at her once more and so did she... and although we've already said goodbye, at that exact moment there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat so fast, making me breathless. I ran back, entered the door code, opened it and ran as fast as I could, reaching out for her and holding her desprately in my arms. I kissed her passionately, perhaps a little too passionately because she banged her head on the wall. It was really funny.<br /><br />That moment was so unforgettable. She told it to her dad, her dad told it to her grandma and her grandma then came to her later on and asked her absolutely seriously: what kind of boyfriend do you have that hits you like that, that bangs your head against the wall?<br /><br />Geez, is all her family like that?<br /><br /><strong>25th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />It's Saturday. We woke up early in the morning so we could go and spend some time at the beach before it gets too hot. I was at her neighborhood at 7am, waiting for her at the designated place.<br /><br />7:10... 7:20... 7:30... where is she?! I headed up to her place and saw her and her mother come out of the elevator. She's always late because her parents ask her to do things all the time.<br /><br />We were pedaling throughout the city on our way to the beach. Lucky we weren't that far from her home when I found out she didn't bring her swimsuit. She thought we weren't going to the beach after all. Sigh. Never mind. I can never ever be mad at her, no matter what she might do.<br /><br />Driving around the city was fun. We found ourselves a nice shaded spot down at the beach. She didn't wanna go in the water because of her knee injury so we layed there on the beach and made out. After a short while I told her we should better stop, because people might be looking at us, but she assured me that there was no one who was paying attention to us.<br /><br />After a while, when I was lying on top of her and kissing her, I could hear some old ladies mumbling: "look what they're doing in a public beach!" "shameless youth!" "if she were my niece, I would have choked her to death!" (Geez!) "Georgians would have stoned her for that kind of behavior!" "now she'll start stripping her clothes!" "there are more decent place for such things"<br /><br />The old ladies wouldn't stop talking. They were right beside us and they didn't care if we heard them. In the end they asked us to stop. Ah, the hell with that!<br /><br />Okay okay, I know that making out in the middle of a public beach isn't exactly appropriate, but it was, I'd say, quite a modest make-out. Besides, there are more polite ways to ask people not to do something.<br /><br />They simply forgot what kind of things they were doing 50-60 years ago...<br /><br />We went away, taking a walk across the beach. After eating at Burger Ranch, we headed to my place.<br /><br />Some time later, her mother called her, asking her to watch a TV program about young teenagers who got pregnant. So we sat in the hall and watched it.<br /><br />There was a 13 year old girl who has agreed to give away her already-born child to be raised by her mother. One girl was raped by her grandfather when she was 6. The odd thing about this, is that she got pregnant and the child died in the womb after a few weeks. The girl still doesn't know what exactly had happened to her. She cannot comprehend it.<br /><br />Then the neglecting 'fathers' were interviewed. One kid said: "I don't wanna be a father. I have a future. A college to attend. What happened there is in the past now. She had pretty eyes, that I can tell."<br /><br />It reminded me of what Natalie once told me... She said she met a guy named Oleg who had sex with a drunk girl and made her pregnant. She was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything and he didn't bother telling her about the incident because he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for that child.<br /><br />This is so brutal! Irresponsible.<br /><br />If I ever get Natalie pregnant, I'll take full responsibility for it. How can one ruin a girl's life like that? And it's not only a girl's life but a child's too...<br /><br />Speaking of children. Me and Natalie have already thought about how we're gonna name our future children. Of course that's just out of fun. We don't plan to have any at least for the next... 5 years.<br /><br />So children, if you read this, please don't be mad at us if we eventually named you differently or if you don't like those names, but here they are: Michelle, Chris, Lynn and Robin. Yeah, those are international names, because we both think you should live and grow up in a better place, or at least a more cultured one.<br /><br /><strong>26th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />The sad feeling of an inevitable ending of this vacation grew stronger with each passing minute. Soldiers were walking around everywhere I looked. Argh.<br /><br />I have one more day to spend time with her. I might as well do my best to enjoy it to the max.<br /><br />We spent some time together until 2pm. Then we met again at 7pm in Wolfson park. There, sitting uphill we watched the sunset and kissed. After that we came to my place and the time just wouldn't slow down! At 1opm we had to part. We were standing on the road, waiting for her taxi. She'd begged me to stay and not go to the army. She was almost crying. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't stop holding her... I didn't want it to end again. But it had to be done eventually.<br /><br />The taxi has arrived, but it was kind enough to wait until we finished kissing for one last time.. until we meet again.<br /><br />When the cab left, she turned around and kept looking at me until I was out of sight. I stood there and looked back at her, watching her divine presence slowly fading away. I kept standing there for another minute. My eyes were wet from tears.<br /><br />Till next time, my love. Until we meet again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-75922041249745939362007-09-14T01:49:00.000-07:002007-09-15T05:28:40.322-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Making the right decision</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>13th April, 2005</strong><br /><br />We had a date today. She looks even better in life than on those pictures she sent me. She said the opposite about me, lol. But it doesn't matter, because within an hour it was obvious that she likes me.<br /><br />She must be the prettiest girl that I've dated so far. Unfortunately, it reflects on her character. She knows that she's pretty. Complementing her usually triggers the same reaction: "gosh, you're like the 100th guy that tells me that!"<br /><br />Putting that aside, she is an adorable dark-green eyed brunette, reminding me a bit of Katie Holmes.<br /><br />At some point on our first date we were sitting at her place in the hall, watching TV together. This was it. Goodbye Angel. I kissed her lips... Within no time, we became a couple.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><center> </center>The next 10 weeks were all about battery reorganization and intensive artillery training. In June, we were scheduled to be sent to the Lebanese border to the most active artillery base in Israel - The first to response to Hezbollah's attacks in that region. We had to do our best, especially when all the high-ranking officers came to watch us demonstrate our capabilities of accuracy and professionalism.<br /><br />The best thing about those 10 weeks was that we were released home almost every weekend. I spent most of my free time with Natalie, and I don't think I could've spent it better than that!<br /><br />But on the other hand, I barely had any time for myself, my family and friends, and there were times I was glad to stay home instead of dating her, even though dating her has always been the best option.<br /><br />I told her about Angel and she told me about her x-boyfriend, Amir. He was her first love. He broke up with her a month before we met, telling her she was too perfect for him.<br /><br />What a coincidence - he lives in Arad where I spent 10 years of my childhood. Strangely enough, even though he's my age and we've lived in the same town for 10 years, I've never met the guy.<br /><br />She really hated it that a guy dared to broke up with her, but a part of her still loved him or so it seemed. And a part of me still loved Angel.<br /><br />Natalie was obviously concerned by that. I wasn't ready to give up on Angel completely, but Natalie didn't want to be some temporary girlfriend of mine. She was right. I needed more time to make that decision...<br /><br /><strong>28th May, 2005</strong><br /><br />This week's been the greatest, ever! Our regiment had a 3-day vacation in Eilat. Everyone had a great time there, except maybe for those who got drunk and were back in the hotel after the deadline - they were sent straight to our home base in the Golan Heights. What a long trip that was for them. Lol.<br /><br />Today me and Natalie spent some time at my father's place in Ashqelon. He rents a room right next to the beach. Actually, he lends it to 2 guys who pay him the rent, but today he's arranged the flat for me and Natalie. The 2 guys had to go for some business.<br /><br />Finally, after over a month, we were about to have some real privacy for the first time...<br /><br />We've had great time together, at least until one of the guys suddenly returned. He returned at the worst timing ever! But we were careful enough to have the door locked. Although the guy was paying the rent and had the full rights to stay at his apartment, we'd hoped he would be tactful enough to leave within a few minutes. But he decided to stay... Instead of waiting for him to leave, me and Natalie went to to the swimming pool. When we came back, he was dozing off in the bedroom! Argh!<br /><br />We locked ourselves up in the bathroom, trying to get some privacy there, but then the guy woke up and tried to get inside!! Argh!<br /><br /><strong>9th June, 2005</strong><br /><br />While I was in the army, Amir, her x-boyfriend, visited her. At first, she was with her friend Alina, but when Alina left, the two of them found themselves alone in her flat. Unable to fight her temptations, she came closer to him, as close as one could... and then their lips touched. They kissed.<br /><br />Amir told her he doesn't want her to cheat on me, that it wouldn't be fair. So they stopped.<br /><br />On the following day I was notified about this and I couldn't help but feeling hurt. When I met her at the same day, she started talking about him. She wanted to tell me how she feels, even though she felt bad about it. She says she still likes him and thinks about him often. When she's with him, she completely forgets about my existence and she can't help it. According to her, Amir is a non-separable part of her life.<br /><br />It's only so because she still has feelings for him. It's either me or him, she must make a choice.<br /><br />Later that day when I was at her place, she'd hidden her ICQ conversation with Amir and told me I wasn't allowed to read it.<br /><br />When she was called to eat dinner, I couldn't fight my curiosity. I found him in her contact list and opened up the history log.<br /><br />Yesterday's chat:<br />Natalie: "It was so emotionless what we did today, the next time I expect more of you."<br />Amir: "But it would be unfair to him. Would you really do that when he's in the army?"<br />Natalie: "He won't have to know about that. Besides, who knows? Maybe he's meeting other girls in the army... althought I don't think so."<br />Amir: "Me neither."<br />Natalie: "I love you, it's crazy"<br /><br />Later she denied that she loves him. "I like him, that's all". She said she's never hidden anything from me. She always told me everything there was to tell.<br /><br />How can I believe her after what I've just read?!<br /><br />Later on that day, we've spent some good together and for a while there, it felt like Amir doesn't even exist. But he does, doesn't he?<br /><br />I told her I don't want her to meet him again. It would only make things worse, but she said she wants to meet him, that she can't go on without him, she needs him. She wants him to be a good friend, not a lover. But she's afraid she can't control it.<br /><br />He keeps flirting with her, telling her that he regrets leaving her 2 months ago and pursuing some other girl.<br /><br />I'm not giving up on her. I know life's never that simple. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't wanna end it.<br /><br />But she has to choose! Who will it be, a guy who lives far away in Arad, who's dumped her for another girl, or me?<br /><br />I sure hope she's gonna make the right choice...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-34738021034391228192007-09-08T01:44:00.000-07:002007-09-15T05:49:57.126-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">One day I will prove its existence</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong>23th March, 2005<br /></strong><br />I got myself a new cellphone. It's Nokia 3100. Now I can surf the Net for free, download games and read stuff instead of getting bored while on guarding duties.<br /><br /><strong>3 peaceful weeks in the northern Israeli-Jordanian border near the sea of Gallilee (Kineret).</strong><br /><br />It's been 4 months now and new soldiers have joined our battery. Soldiers from Aug' 04. Once they joined our battery, Aug '03 got their first privileges. Aug '03 that's me. Now that we're 1.8 years in the army, we no longer have any regular guarding duties at nights - no guarding at the gate, the bunker, watchtowers or any of that kind. We also no longer work in the kitchen. That's quite an upgrade.<br /><br />I also stopped performing most of the cleaning duties, like cleaning the toilets and such. There are younger soldiers for that now.<br /><br />It is a custom in combat corps that younger soldiers respect the older ones. If there are soldiers at least 1 year 'younger' than you, they should show you some respect. But you know what they say about new generations - the present generation is more spoiled than its predecessor.<br /><br />Slowly but steadily, the gap between seniors and juniors becomes smaller. Treatment becomes equal and with it, the privileges become obsolete. This is bad, because young soldiers need something to strive for. They want to be sure that if they get a job at the battery or when they're 2.4 years in the army, they'll have their own room, they'll guard less, be released home more often and so on. If you take that away from them, people might lose their motivation. They don't have much motivation anyway.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />Our main base here is located on a mountain, quite close to the border. There's a beautiful view of the valley from up here.<br /><br />This is one thing I really owe the army for. You get to see so many beautiful places. Even the sky becomes so beautiful once you have all the time in the world to look at it, when you're behind a metal fence that stands between you and the free world that teases you right in front of your eyes.<br /><br />The moment we got here, 2 teams have been released home for the weekend. Me and a few others were sent to Hamat Gader. It's a popular hot springs resort in Israel. The younger soldiers guard at the watchtowers surrounding the resort. Me and some others are assigned on truck patrols. They're open vehicles with machine guns on both sides. At night, it gets really cold to sit in an open truck for about 8 hours. We patrol along the border, sometimes stop at a pub on route 90. Things are very quiet out here, but we stay put anyway. Apart from patrols, I also guard at the communications room. It's my first time sitting at the comm. room, being in charge of delivering information and directing the forces in case of emergency.<br /><br /><strong>31st March, 2005</strong><br /><br />It's my team's turn to be released home. Unfortunately, not all soldiers could be released home, due to lack of manpower. Apart from Aug '04 soldiers, one guy from my team had to stay. I volunteered to stay back in November, when it was either me or Nitzan. Now it was obviously Nitzan's turn. Matan had told him that he was chosen to stay, but Nitzan managed to work his way out of this. He said he's got problems at home. The officers approved his excuse and Matan had no choice but to choose someone else. He was really angry at Nitzan but could do nothing about it. He chose Daniel, again. Daniel was eager to get home this weekend. He was at the roof of the barracks, a guarding post. The barracks used to be a hotel before 1967, now it's completely abandoned. When Daniel received the bad news, he asked Matan "Why me?", to what Matan foolishly answered: "because you're disciplined and responsible." Oh really? That really sounded fair! It pissed Daniel off. If he was disciplined and responsible until now, he'd change his attitude. In fact, he's changed his attitude back in January, when he was punished on his very birthday and wasn't released home after being caught falling asleep while on duty. He'd hoped they would give him a day or two of detention or that they'd postpone the punishment to his next release home, but they grounded him on his birthday and ruined all his plans. That day he'd lost trust to Michael, our platoon's officer. He learned to hate most of the commanders and whoever's in charge of things. Within no time, he became quite rebellious. Too bad. He's a good guy who really gave his 100% to our battery. He's my best friend, which is what made me look rebellious sometimes as well. Honestly, that part about our friendship is something that I didn't like that much.<br /><br /><strong>25th March, 2005</strong><br /><br />Today happened something I had never really expected.<br /><br />While guarding at the comm room, I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it over and over again. I wish I had remembered the exact words, that I had saved it somewhere. But I don't know if it matters, really. The general concept of this message is forever carved in my memory.<br /><br />But before that, I'd like to share some of our SMS messages that I wrote on paper, before losing the cellphone. It didn't have enough memory to store all of the messages, so I wrote the best ones on paper so I'd never forget them.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"><strong>Me: "*Kiss* Count all the stars in the universe - that is how much I love you. Forever in your arms, K." (10th December 2003)<br /><br />Me: "As I ride the bus to the base, beautiful landscapes are revealed beyond the window... and I keep thinking of you, my Angel. I know that in no time, we'll meet. Love you, K." (13th December 2003)<br /><br />Me: "My magical angel. I'd do everything it takes to be with you this summer. We'll meet this summer - it's a promise! I kept thinking of you throughout all the training..." (13th December 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "Hi my dear. I'll do anything to be with you together, too. I even would sell my soul to see you at least for one minute! I love you so much. I'd come to you at once if I could. *Kiss*" (13th December 2003)<br /><br />Me: "Angel, my dear girlfriend, you have no idea how AMAZING you are! I love you with all of my heart and I'll never let you go. *Kiss* I'm holding you now in my arms. Love you." (December 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "I know you're sleeping already. I wish I could be in your arms now, feel your warmth & safety. I feel so alone at the moment and I can't tell you how much I miss you. Love you." (December 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "I'm so glad to be your girlfriend! ^o^ It makes me feel that I can create everything. I love you more than I could say. Let's be together forever. *Kiss*" (December 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "Hi my dreamstar. I nearly can't hold myself. I'd take the next flight to you if I could. I'd like to runaway immediately now. I miss you so much. I love you honey. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "I know I'll love you forever too. Why can't we just runaway and start a new life? I'd like to do that so much. Oh honey, I can't tell you how much I miss you. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "Today morning, when I went to the bus stop, I looked up to the sky. I only saw 1 star. It reminded me of you. That you will always be my following star. I love<br />you so much. *Kiss*" (22nd December, 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "Hi honey. I love you so much, too. And I really thought about running away to you just to be in your arms. I still play with the thought of running away. I love you too much to stay here.." (26th December, 2003)<br /><br />Angel: "It's the same with me. I almost can't hold myself back. I don't know what I should do anymore. I think my heart winning very soon. I can tell you. I love you so extremely." (26th December, 2003)<br /></strong></span></em><br />There are about 40 additional messages, but I don't know if that'd be interesting to read.<br /><br />1.8 years in the army and I've seen hundreds if not thousands of attractive girls. Some of them were more than just attractive. Especially at the roadblocks I couldn't help but notice dozens of nice girls each day. Not once did they make me think about what I'm doing, about my choices. Is it the right thing to do, to spend 3 years of my life waiting for someone? But she's not just someone, she's very special.<br /><br />Do you think I'll never find anyone like her ever again? Is she really that special or is it love that makes me so blind?<br /><br />I must not hesitate. It would be a shame to waste a few years believing in one thing, then changing your mind. I needed to make that decision and I needed to make it as soon as possible. It was a year ago, before I flew to Germany, that I decided once and for all to stay with her, telling myself that I may never know what I'd lost if I broke up with her.<br /><br />What if I never find anyone like her ever again? I'll remember her so perfect and amazing and all that and I might never know if I did the right thing or not. If we stay together, if we meet and get to know each other in real life, then I'll know better if she's really the one for me. I won't leave her unless I'm fully convinced that we're not made for each other. Yep, I'm going with this until the very end!<br /><br />That way I will prove to myself that with enough determination, people can actually stay loyal to each other despite the surrounding temptations. If we only learn to appreciate what we have...<br /><br />Choosing one over many is a huge sacrifice for all of us. We give up so many opportunities just for something that we think is worth more, much more.<br /><br />It may indeed be so priceless, especially if the person we give up everything for does the same thing for us.<br /><br />On 25th March, her e-mail read: I'm sorry honey, I hope you're not mad at me, but I think we should take a break from each other. I mean, we could date other people. You don't have to wait for me, you could see other girls and feel free to do anything you want.<br /><br />It wasn't really a break up, or at least not a directly implied one. She didn't plan to date any guys, just girls. She liked some girls and probably wanted the freedom to explore and experience that new aspect of her life.<br /><br />Do you think that in a year and a half we'll be together? She didn't have a straight answer to that. She didn't want me to wait for her all this time, she wanted me to have fun and she wanted to have fun too.<br /><br />As tempting as it might have sounded, I didn't want to date any girls if I was going to lose her in the end. But regardless of whether I date other girls or not, what is the guarantee that we'll be together in a year and a half?<br /><br />She told me not to wait...<br />Does it mean that she no longer loves me?<br /><br />Things have clearly become different now. It was time for a new phase in our lives.<br /><br />On one hand, I felt like I broke a thousand heavy chains, that new roads have opened ahead of me with unlimited opportunities. On the other hand, I was so upset and angry that things have come to this. After all that we've been through, now she gives up?!<br /><br />She's the one that wanted it so much when we first met. I guess 2 years is a lot of time. People always change. However, when two people truly love each other, nothing in the world should ever stand between them.<br /><br />I kept telling everyone that they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know the meaning of true love. They can laugh all they want for all I care, but in the end I'm going to be the one to have the best relationship there could ever be. I was going to prove it to them.<br /><br />I was so upset. I was in so much despair, that I felt like I would go to a prostitute the moment I get home! No, I would never do that. But at that moment, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.<br /><br />She was the only person that really cared about me, or so I thought. Now it felt like I was all by myself again.<br /><br /><strong>1st April, 2005<br /></strong><br />I was released home. I needed to find myself some girl fast! I started looking at dating sites, talking to different girls on ICQ. It's always exciting to meet someone new, to have a new relationship in your life.<br /><br />I found 4 interesting girls to talk with. One of them was particularly interested in me. She's from Tel Aviv, the closest to me. I found her in ICQ People Search. That stupid search doesn't allow you to search people by custom age. Even when you specify 18-22, it gives you the wrong results. The best thing to do was search by country, gender, language and 'online only' and then check the profile of every result found, where you could see their age.<br /><br />But then the ICQ server stopped responding and returned an error message whenever I tried to check the profiles. Frustrated, I started messaging every girl, regardless of their age. One of them was Natalie.<br /><br />After a short conversation, we exchanged pictures. While the pictures were being sent to each other, I found out how old she is... She was just turning 15! Forget it...<br /><br />But then I checked out her picture and it was like "Oh my God!". To add to that, she liked me too. Ummm... don't you think she's too young for you? I decided to keep talking to her, find out if she's still childish and all that.<br /><br />She didn't seem to.<br /><br />There's one thing that really I like in girls... it's innocence. Angel's never had a boyfriend before, she's never kissed, never fell in love. That is one reason why she was so over the head when she fell in love with me. Many girls at my age are no longer romantic. They've been disappointed by love, they've had their hearts broken, they've experienced things I myself have never experienced... But don't think that I'm some sort of a pedophile. There's a limit to it. I'm 19 and a half and she turns 15 now. I guess 16.5-17 is the minimum, but a 15 could be a one-time exception in this case. At least it's worth a try, isn't it?<br /><br />I talked to her on Saturday night. The next morning I came back to the army. We've been talking on the phone a lot and it's been exceptionally fun. She's not THAT innocent - she once got drunk, she tried some drugs, but that's her 'past'. She says she's not like that anymore.<br /><br />I'm skeptic about this, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway.<br /><br />We plan to meet when I'm released home again... Am I ready for a new relationship? Only time will tell.<br /><br />I still love Angel very much. I don't think she gave up on me either. Maybe she needs some time off to clear her head?<br /><br />As I've said, only time will tell...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-36971029159734181812007-08-24T06:11:00.000-07:002007-08-31T06:42:20.527-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">Fast Forward</span></strong><br /><br />After the last entry, I've stopped writing in my diary for about 3 months, however I still remember the more significant events of that preiod of time...<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYIETypla_4jsejPRb4IVyL7hoAaiAE7_1L5yvRoaYDSmhC26q18SyzlZ6qhQTsDLOmLXibYPRfhMKjTE1Fr3EpZIp-SPbqknc8wJuQRL1V_zH_DYfEuYwgW31kPVUiH4hxG4B/s1600-h/qalqiliya6.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5104856472339175698" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYIETypla_4jsejPRb4IVyL7hoAaiAE7_1L5yvRoaYDSmhC26q18SyzlZ6qhQTsDLOmLXibYPRfhMKjTE1Fr3EpZIp-SPbqknc8wJuQRL1V_zH_DYfEuYwgW31kPVUiH4hxG4B/s320/qalqiliya6.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGVwIfxXHaHj6_pDps6SNXx-4OdcFvtvSc48GqKlk3ncT83f5kIFdLuSfunk3w8Ds9P1qLTFPluPKPwEgxr24m-1FTO6lPGLEvoWgIzFmkZhceddGM7j8tE0Oao6hgw08osIPk/s1600-h/qalqiliya5.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5104856180281399554" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGVwIfxXHaHj6_pDps6SNXx-4OdcFvtvSc48GqKlk3ncT83f5kIFdLuSfunk3w8Ds9P1qLTFPluPKPwEgxr24m-1FTO6lPGLEvoWgIzFmkZhceddGM7j8tE0Oao6hgw08osIPk/s320/qalqiliya5.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>The Car Assault</strong><br /><br />About a mile ahead of the roadblock, an Israeli car was assaulted by a Palestinian gunman. Luckily, no one got hurt. The windows were broken and the driver had managed to escape the assault, get to the roadblock and alarm the soldiers.<br /><br />I was at the base at the time. It was at around 8pm in the evening. The alarm sounded from the communications room, the battery's commander team was, as always, the first to react.<br /><br />Another team was assembled, due to the severity of this event. By the time we got there, there were already dozens of soldiers walking all around the place. Shattered pieces of glass lay on the closed road. Bullet casings and projectiles were found at the scene.<br /><br />Our regiment's commander was also there. There were various forces from all over the place. A few minutes later, we joined our battery's commander and his team, and headed to a nearby village, located just about 150 meters north of the road.<br /><br />We walked silently in the night, watching each other's backs and ready for anything.<br /><br />As we reached the first few houses, some of us stayed to watch the road, the others entered the houses and started asking people whether they saw or heard anything. As expected, people denied having any knowledge of the incident.<br /><br />I was the one watching the road. Some cars would pass by, we would inspect them and ask them if they know anything about the incident. They had no idea what we were talking about. I was quite surprised to hear their car radio playing Modern Talking. How rare is that?<br /><br />We walked down the road. Gil, the battery's commander, inspected some more houses. Then we gave up the search and left the village. Maybe it was the regiment commander's call, it doesn't matter. Everybody left with empty handed.<br /><br />How do you find them criminals? You'd need to search the whole village. Even then, nothing is guaranteed. You can't do nothing and wait until they murder someone and hope that this time you'll be there on time.<br /><br />That way, more Palestinians will feel safe enough to inflict chaos on the Israeli roads, more people will get killed and the murderers will never be found.<br /><br />First of all, there's the obvious need of maximizing army's chances of catching them in the act. There are many cameras being installed on electric poles and antennas, watching over the hills, the villages and the roads for any hostile activities.<br /><br />In case they DO get away, the army should pursue them until they're caught... they mustn't feel safe once they committed a crime. Instead, they should count the days before the army gets to them.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinM92PhxDsQgj1_xoAs1nNwoJLEmX_dGS-DHFB-LsAEdtw4wbJoFSTyMum0IOgOCgBR24bMjmdxFeWzdNCph4_AKS85M5f4Ke7O3KTHafNOyDDPMe3g74eIyOVuVpJnj5AWA06/s1600-h/qalqiliya4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5104856549648587042" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinM92PhxDsQgj1_xoAs1nNwoJLEmX_dGS-DHFB-LsAEdtw4wbJoFSTyMum0IOgOCgBR24bMjmdxFeWzdNCph4_AKS85M5f4Ke7O3KTHafNOyDDPMe3g74eIyOVuVpJnj5AWA06/s320/qalqiliya4.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Four Sides Of The Fence</strong><br /><br />Before leaving Qalqilya in early March 2005, I've had several shifts on the AV patrol. One of our duties during the patrol was opening the gates for Palestinians.<br /><br />What does it mean? It's only when I got there, I realized the absurdity of the situation. Just about a mile south of Qalqilya there's a fence... The thing is, it doesn't really separate the Israeli lands with the Palestinian ones. Instead, it separates some Palestinian lands and villages from the other. Each day, they are allowed to cross from one side to another at a specific time. At 4pm, we'd open the gates and they'd cross the road between the two fenced sectors. The same happens some time in the morning as well.<br /><br />The fence was built that way in an attempt to include a settlement inside the Israeli side of the fence. Here's the map: (Red dots = Palestinian towns. Blue dots = Israeli settlements. Red line = seaparation fence. Purple line = 1967 borders.)<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEGfRCUn2iVrkjb0zUa0Rq_NE06qqRQsmaHWSpjeKGRAhvYLwXlNzinVPRkdQXWnR54sVyU5qrlB7bkN1ysw2bSbxytuxS92YpdbK1r5Lx2Kiaqe6lsf61HTw0UjU8GBwalnP/s1600-h/qalqilya2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5102273814014810354" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEGfRCUn2iVrkjb0zUa0Rq_NE06qqRQsmaHWSpjeKGRAhvYLwXlNzinVPRkdQXWnR54sVyU5qrlB7bkN1ysw2bSbxytuxS92YpdbK1r5Lx2Kiaqe6lsf61HTw0UjU8GBwalnP/s320/qalqilya2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Note how much territory inside the west bank was planned to stay on the Israeli side of the fence, just because of a single, tiny settlement in the middle of that pocket.<br /><br />But now as I can see, some of it has been fixed and parts of the fence were later dismantled as you can see on this updated April 07 map:<br /><a href="http://www.securityfence.mod.gov.il/Pages/Heb/map_heb.htm">http://www.securityfence.mod.gov.il/Pages/Heb/map_heb.htm</a><br />Now some of those villages are no longer separated and the fence has been extended further east to include more Israeli settlements in it.<br /><br /><strong>Hezbollah's aggression</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Sometime around February, Hezbollah guerillas opened rocket fire on Israeli towns located along the northern border. Immediately after, we were informed to pack our bags and get ready in case we're needed there. Eventually, other forces were sent over there to deal with Hezbollah. Our turn to deal with them was yet to come...<br /><br /><b>Angel's visit</b><br /><br />It's March 2005. We've finished our service in the Qalqiliya sector and moved on to the south for artillery training.<br /><br />Matan called our team for some briefing and told us what's planned ahead. "Each week, two teams will be released home for a week. Our team will be released next week."<br /><br />I asked my commander if I could switch with someone from another so that I could be released home exactly when Angel comes to visit. I informed her of the dates. It was time that she ordered the tickets.<br /><br />Now it depended on her. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would all work out. I've been waiting for this for half a year.<br /><br />Day after day have passed and I haven't heard a word from her. She wouldn't reply to my messages, she wouldn't answer the phone. What's going on? It's really important that we stay in contact.<br /><br />Three days remained. It was still unknown whether I'll be allowed to postpone my release home by 1 week.<br /><br />Eventually, I've managed to reach her by phone. I called her home number. Her mom picked it up and gave her the phone. Angel told me that she's trying to find a flight to Israel but there aren't any available. Those that are available, are way too expensive - over $700. No way. I called my mom and asked her to check this for me. Within half an hour, my mom found a flight from Munich to Tel Aviv for less than $500 with available seats.<br /><br />I quickly informed Angel and told her I could even order the tickets for her if needed.<br /><br />But it wasn't the flight. It was something else that stood in our way. "I'm sorry, I can't come to Israel." "Why?" "I have 2 important interviews in hotels. They'll determine my future career."<br /><br />Yes, she's been planning to enter an apprenticeship program of 3 years and work at a hotel. I wondered why it couldn't wait. Soon enough she'd start working and she might never have the time to come visit me. I guess in some way it could be understood. I know that there's nothing that could stand in our way, as long as we choose to stay together, no matter what. But if we choose other things over each other, there's a chance we might lose this unique relationship. I'd rather find a solution that would make it all work.<br /><br />The question is, how do we preserve one dream without destroying the others? There has to be a solution to everything..<br /><br />I had to cope with the disappointment. At first I was angry and upset. My words to her didn't help the situation at all. But I told her I support her no matter what she decides to do in her life. We'll find a way to make it work. I just wish it weren't so sudden. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm searching for flights, I'm asking my commanders and officers to do everything they can so that I would be released home on time." "I didn't want to make you mad, to disappoint you." "Honey, but you know that eventually, you'll have to tell me everything. The longer you wait, the bigger will be my disappointment. Please, always tell me what's on your mind. Don't be afraid to dissappoint me, you know I can never really be mad at you."<br /><br />I told my commander I no longer need to postpone it.<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />After a few weeks in the south, we were given our next task - 3 weeks in the northern Jordanian border, near Hamat Gader... The quietest border in Israel.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-47214026628670828952007-08-18T01:53:00.000-07:002007-08-18T07:11:27.138-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">A rather boring month</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>12th January, 2005</strong><br /><br />After 3 (short) days at home, I'm back at the base. Our conditions have suddenly changed:<br /><br />Instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home) it's going to be 11/3 with less soldiers to stay on weekends. That means that after each 8-9 hour roadblock each one of us has to guard 1.5-2 hours at the watchtower and that would leave us just about enough time to clean the base, eat dinner, take a shower and have some sleep. <br /><br />No free time for reading books or watching DVDs.... yes, I've finally bought the DVD after scrubbing some more money from the battery. I bought a Vertex 312B for 500 NIS. Mahsanei Hashmal had only one remaining Vertex DVD for sale... the one that was on display! The guys didn't even agree to give me any discount, not even when I told them that it's being bought by soldiers' money and that the DVD is for the army.<br /><br />I was really disappointed with that store, especially when we've discovered some malfunctioning.<br /><br />Nevertheless, the DVD proved to be a success in the long term! Many soldiers watched movies and TV series after coming back from their guarding duties.<br /><br /><strong>26th January, 2005</strong><br /><br />I was sent to the marksmen course in the Negev, back at the base where I had my basic training over a year ago.<br /><br />I got sick 2 days ago and thought of going to the city officer (the one that gives soldiers the permission to stay at home if their problems are serious enough... or if they're good liars), but then I decided against it. As much as I wanted to miss the marksmen course, they've been planning on sending me here for over 2 months and I didn't want to disappoint them this way, even though I reaaaaaalllly hate this weapon!<br /><br />When I arrived at the central station in Beer Sheva, I entered an electronics store to buy myself earphones for my mp3 cd player. That's where I met Vitaly. He was buying a beret in that shop.<br /><br />He was my teammate when we were still in basic training. He used to be a pretty good marksman - he had this exact weapon and he's like never missed a targed. After passing the commanders course, he was assigned to be a shooting tutor back at the training base. I couldn't believe it, but my teammate was about to teach me how to become a marksman!<br /><br />I can't believe I was given 500 bullets back in Qalqiliya to carry with me to the training base. It's a damn training base! They ought to have enough bullets, don't they? It smells like bureaucracy to me.<br /><br />The training was only 1 week. We had a lot of time spent at the shooting range. There was another guy from B battery who was sent here to do the course. Only he was a young March '04 soldier. His name is Dor. He's a good, normal guy, unlike most of his 'zoo' battery.<br /><br />We weren't only 2 soldiers in this course. We did it together with the rookies who've just joined the army - soldiers of Nov '04.<br /><br />I expected to be treated with respect, but that wasn't the case. Above Vitaly and the other tutors stood a female officer of my age. She was July '03, I was August '03, yet she told me to do whatever all the rookies did - stand in formation, repeat the orders and so on. Yes, it was humiliating!<br /><br />Lying down in the sand while shooting made us look as dirty and untidy as all the rookies.<br /><br />There was one female rookie who started crying when she's missed her target. Poor girl, she shouldn't take it too seriously.<br /><br />When we had to return to the base for lunch, 2 soldiers had to stay and guard all the eqipment. Nov '04 rookies demanded that either me or Dor stayed this time. There were 18 of them and only 2 of us. I'm sure not all of them had to volunteer and stay to guard.<br /><br />But it was not my decision. Ehud was another tutor of ours. He was from March '02. He told us one of us should stay. "It's either you or him." Dor volunteered to stay, since he was a younger soldier than me. I was really angry at the decision! When I was a rookie, things were so much different...<br /><br />We had a literal exam on the last day. I got 98 out of 100 and 86 was my final mark. In order to pass the course, you needed at least 70. Dor got 69, but they gave him a certificate anyway.<br /><br />Taking a bus back to Beer Sheva wasn't an easy thing to do. There were like 80 soldiers waiting at the station. One bus came but didn't even stop as it was already full. Why did it bother coming here if he didn't even stop?<br /><br />Another bus came. This time it was nearly empty. Everyone started pushing each other like animals, eager to get on that bus. All the desk-workers didn't have any heavy bags to put in the trunk so they were the first to occupy the seats.<br /><br />It's usually the desk-workers who get first on the bus. The combat soldiers and whoever stays a long time at the base would sometimes have to wait for the next bus and hope to get on it for a change.<br /><br />It was almost my turn to get on when I suddenly noticed that my beret was gone, thanks to all the pushing. I gave up my place in the queue and started looking for the beret, then I saw it stuck between two people who were on the bus. They didn't even notice that there's a beret between their bodies. I tried to get on the bus through the back door, but the bus was already full. The door closed right in front of me. It hit a soldier's leg and his magazine fell out of the weapon. The door reopened, but there wasn't a single millimeter where I could stand. I picked the magazine and gave it to him before the door closed again. The bus left and I had to wait for another one.<br /><br />I tried to call Avi - he's one of the tutors who managed to get on the bus. He couldn't help me. He was on the other side of the bus and the bus was loaded with people. Shouting didn't help.<br /><br />I got this beret from a 34km journey that marked the ending of basic training. Too bad I'd lost it so foolishly. Now I'll have to buy myself one. I remembered Vitaly buying a beret when I met him at the central station. I'll have to buy it, because if I get caught by the military police, I'll be punished.<br /><br />An hour later there was another bus heading for Beer Sheva.<br /><br />My commander had asked me to call him when I finish the course. He told me I'm heading to the home base in the Golan again for another week of guarding. I had to visit our base near Qalqiliya to pick my things before leaving for the Golan. At first I was in the center, then I was sent south and now I'm gonna head north.<br /><br />When I visited the base, I asked if someone could borrow me a normal beret that I could use. (berets that you buy in shops are too embarrassing to wear. you need to shave them and wash them a lot to make the look normal.)<br /><br />Michael, my officer, gave me his own and asked me to take a good care of it, because he received this beret from his commander as a sign of excellence after the last, 34km-long journey.<br /><br />I said: "Don't worry, I had mine from basic training and I've never lost it." "but now you DID lose it." Yeah. I guess he's right. I love Michael for his good sense of humor and his positive attitude. He's really a great guy!<br /><br /><strong>6th February, 2005</strong><br /><br />It's Sunday. Desk-workers came back from home.<br /><br />10:40am - my cellphone wakes me up.<br />12:30pm - I go to the dining room for lunch.<br />01:00pm - Uh oh! No cellphone!<br /><br />It was nowhere to be found. There were no doubts that it was stolen.<br /><br />I suspect Kobi. He's a guy from B battery. I know him from basic training. He's the criminal type... stealing things, hitting people. The funniest thing about him is that he pretends to be friendly.<br /><br />He once told us that one of his parents is in jail, that he used to take drugs...<br /><br />He was in his room during lunch. I remember how he warned me & the others to keep our room and bags locked at all times because he doesn't trust the desk-workers who reside with us.<br /><br />Ron, a new guy from my battery decided to help me. He decided to search Kobi's bags when he wasn't around. Then he and I unlocked 2 rooms of desk-workers and took a look around. I decided not to search their bags though.<br /><br />I told the commander about the theft and about Kobi being a suspect. I asked him not to let Kobi know about it, but he told him anyway. I later found out that Kobi was trying to help me by searching for my cellphone, but then he stopped when he found out I was suspecting him. But maybe that was just another lie, to make him look less of a suspect.<br /><br />Ariel, our regiment's discipline commander wanted to call a special interrogation agency that deals with theft and criminal offenses in the army, but they told him they don't deal with cases like that in which the stolen property is less than 5,000 NIS worth.<br /><br />The cellphone was never found. It was kind of old anyway - A Samsung 624. It had a partially broken display. The thing is it wasn't insured and my mom still had to pay 700 NIS for it.<br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />The bunker is a large field, surrounded by fence. There are trenches with ammunition all around it. It's perfectly fine to guard over there during daylight, but as the night falls, it becomes a perfect spot to shoot a horror movie.<br /><br />Foxes walk around, their eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Their howls send a chill down your spine. There is absolutely no light, so you can't see anything unless you bring a flashlight with you. You can only hear strange noises, some movement around you, but you can't see what it is. You're all alone and everybody eslse is asleep.<br /><br />Soldiers don't dare going to the bunker at nights, especially when you have guard there alone. One visit there was enough for me to decide, once and for all, to never go over there again.<br /><br />Monday night... Instead of guarding at the bunker, people go to some empty room to sleep, hoping they wouldn't get caught, that no one would visit the bunker at night.<br /><br />I went to C battery's barracks. They're the closest to the bunker. It's a U-shaped corridor of 12 rooms, most of them are locked.<br /><br />I entered the 4th room on the left side of the corridor. There's light, there are 4 double beds to sit on. I put the weapon aside, put my vest on the floor and take out Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" from the pouch inside the vest.<br /><br />I sit there and read Da Vinci's code, letting my guarding time pass by. I sit by the window. It's slightly open so I could hear if anyone's coming. The door is closed.<br /><br />Suddenly, I hear some talking... footsteps... it gets closer! Someone's in the corridor! 2 guys.<br /><br />I sit quietly, trying not to move at all. The room is empty and so every move makes a lot of noise.<br /><br />I can hear them twisting the handle of one of the doors in the corridor. They're going from the right side. Locked. Locked. Locked. Another one locked... I go for the weapon, helplessly trying to wear the vest before they catch me here.<br /><br />I see the door handle move. That's it! The guy twists the handle, but the door won't open!!! He keeps trying over and over again. My heart beats like never before! Then he leaves the handle and moves on to the next door.<br /><br />Within a minute they were gone. Phew! Even then, I kept standing there for a couple of minutes, not capable of comprehending what had just happened.<br /><br />A few minutes later, I opened the door and realized why the door didn't open: there was no handle on the other side of the door! There was only a metallic cylinder showing out. When I entered this room, the door was already open. I closed it from inside, when there's a handle, but no one could open it from outside. Phew! That was lucky!<br /><br />After about an hour, I saw a car passing near the barracks. It could've been on its way to the bunker. What if they're looking for me?<br /><br />I decided to go to the bunker to see if the car headed that way. As I approached the entrance gate, I saw a heavy cloud of dense mist, blocking my sight. I couldn't even see the bushes a feet away, it was crazy! I might not find my way back to the base. I changed my mind and went back to the barracks.<br /><br />I still remember how once a fox chased me out of the bunker's watchtower. It was protecting its baby-foxes who were kept warm inside the watchtower. I could still hear its howl, getting louder with ever moment, giving me goosebumps. I could not see it, but I could hear it coming closer, howling louder.<br /><br />People say that Guy Hever, a soldier who mysteriously disappeared and had never been found since, was guarding at this exact bunker the day he disappeared back in 1997.<br /><br /><strong>10th February, 2005</strong><br /><br />It's thursday morning. I finished guarding and got dressed, ready to go home. Something's missing..... oh, no! Not the beret again! The beret?! It can't be! I've hid it deep inside my bag. I've looked for it everywhere, but I couldn't find it.<br /><br />I had to borrow a beret again from a guy who came here to replace me. Michael wasn't happy to know I'd lost his, yet he kept smiling. I really felt bad about it. He found himself a different one and I later found myself one as well. Still, I couldn't help feeling really bad about it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29475959.post-48292491292852676392007-08-11T02:18:00.000-07:002007-08-11T05:41:50.068-07:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#990000;">The various forms of inequality</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><strong></strong><br /><strong>14th December, 2004</strong><br /><br />Nitzan really knows how to piss me off. He never shuts his mouth. He's like the complete opposite of me in every way, and even though he's in my team, there are times that I just can't stand him anymore.<br /><br />This time he was the worst! When we were at the roadblock, he laughed so much at Angel and at my relationship with her. "Are you telling me you're not dating any girls while you're... 'waiting' for her? You're so naive, it's unbelievable! She's probably f**king with dozens of guys and laughs out loud behind your back!"<br /><br />It really amused him to know that while I bought her a DVD as a gift for her birthday, she sent me a self-recorded cassette on mine, which did not even arrive.<br /><br />Matan joined the laughter and the argument against me. We discussed long distance relationships, the issues of trust and the possibility of cheating on the partner.<br /><br />I could not convince them that I was right. In the case of my relationship I know I was, but they thought otherwise.<br /><br />Like I care what they think? Let them think anything they want! I will prove to everyone that I was right! They'll see... When 2 people truly love each other, the sky is no longer the limit.<br /><br /><strong>15th December, 2004</strong><br /><br />Another roadblock... I was standing behind the two vehicle selectors in the security standpoint and talking to Daniel, when I suddenly noticed something strange going on on the road ahead of us: A truck was coming towards us in excessive speed, driving like crazy, passing other cars in zigzags and signaling.<br /><br />"Look!" He stopped the truck right before entering the roadblock and then stepped outside. A moment later we saw a Palestinian taxi-minibus stopping next to the truck. The guy who came out of the minibus was bleeding in his head. Blood was all over the left part of his face.<br /><br />"Don't shoot!" We heard a voice from a megaphone - it was coming from a police jeep. Only then I noticed Matan loading his weapon, ready to shoot someone.<br /><br />The Palestinian guy stopped. The truck driver was approaching his with some big metalic tool in his hands. It looks like a steering wheel lock.<br /><br />The policemen intervened on time. They ran over there and prevented the two from killing each other. An Ambulance came about 10 minutes later. Then some other police guys came by, wearing gloves and taking all the evidence.<br /><br />A short while later, we knew all about this story: The Palestinian threw stones on the truck of an Israeli-Arab guy, breaking two windows. The angry Israeli-Arab guy took that tool and hit him on his head. Now that I remember, blood was all over his shirt... Then they had a chase which came to an end at this roadblock.<br /><br />Everyone who asked about the incident reacted by saying "oh, good!" the moment they heard it was a fight between 2 Arab guys.<br /><br />It really bothered me to see some soldiers act in patience whenever they confronted Israelis in the roadblock, while acting in anger and hostility if it were a vehicle with Israeli-Arabs or Palestinians. Why the difference? Daniel and Matan both told me that they consider Arabs to be inferior to Jews. That Arabs deserve to be treated differently...<br /><br />Somehow I think they feel the same about us, but I can't help wondering why people have to be so narrow-minded about this.<br /><br />I know that everyone who carried out attacks on Israelis was from Arab origin, that there's no point to suspect Israeli Jews on roadblocks and inspect their cars. But I don't think that all Arabs deserve the same treatment just because they're Arabs.<br /><br />I do agree that we as soldiers should be careful and prevent any attempts to hurt the Israeli population, but I don't think that to do that we have to compromise our manners.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />My bro was talking with me on the phone and we ended up discussing my personal life. He told me I can't just pack the bags and leave the country once I'm out of the army. I should go study in the university, especially since I'm getting 24 grand from the army as scholarship. (Every combat soldier who's finished 3 years of military service gets about 24,000NIS that he can only spend on specific things + almost a 8,000NIS release grant) I agreed to everything he said. "We'll see...".<br /><br />He said the army is the right place to think about my future. "Right. Anyway, I'll be home next week and we'll talk. Cya!"<br /><br />For over an hour I thought about it... I must get myself a bachelor of science or something, but can I really wait another 3-4 years for Angel?! I wanna be with her!<br /><br />If she is not going to come to live with me in Israel, I'll have to choose between her and... my career? I don't know what I'm gonna do. Should I move to Germany and study there? It all sounds crazy!<br /><br /><strong>16th December, 2004</strong><br /><br />I'm still thinking about it. Should I find myself a girlfriend in Israel? But I love Angel terribly! Does love block my rational thinking? But I'll never find anyone like her!<br /><br />She might not be the prettiest and sexiest girl on the planet, but her smile, her love to me, the things that we have in common and the everlasting will to devote our whole lives for each other leave me in no doubt that she's the one for me.<br /><br />If only she'll want to live in Israel...<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />Today we had a policeman present at the roadblock. He was inspecting vehicles for other reasons... He'd ask us to direct certain vehicles for inspection. Then he'd write fines to some of them, for not wearing a seatbelt and whatever. Matan told him that he'd gladly send Arabs to inspection, but not Israelis.<br /><br />The policeman asked Matan if there are any left-winged soldiers in the roadblock. Matan pointed his finger at me. The policeman looked at me and said: "I can see by his facial expression that he's a leftie". Matan looked surprised and started laughing. I wonder if he laughed at the policeman's stupidity or at my facial expression.<br /><br />Am I left-winged? I guess all humanists automatically fall into that category. But there's difference between supporting justice and equality, and the political left. I'm not pro-Palestinian. I'm sure that if I were a Palestinian I would look at Palestinians the same way I look at guys like Matan.<br /><br />During our shift, the policeman told us different stories of his past experiences with Arabs. There was one Palestinian worker who had no documents allowing him to work in Israel or even enter the Israeli territory (they're often referred to as "Shabahim"), he was caught by this policeman and refused to tell him the truth, making up stories about who he is and why he is in Israel. The policeman looked around, made sure nobody's looking and then he beat the guy until he told him the truth.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />Me and Matan had so many discussions during that roadblock shift. We talked about God, about religious Jews, Russian immigrants. It made me feel even sadder.<br /><br />It feels like the whole world had lost it. Why am I feeling sad at the sight of people being treated unjustly? Will it ever end? There will always be people like that and thus there will always be crimes and injustice. What's the point of feeling sad about it all the time? I should be happy and look at the bright side of this world, always try to be cheerful and hope for the best. That's what's worth living for. I love this world, I love all the people, and especially I love Angel.<br /><br />Bless this world and may there be less suffering..<br /><br /><strong>27th December, 2004</strong><br /><br />The free week was just what I needed! I feel like I've been reborn after 16 days in the army.<br /><br />Prior to the vacation, I collected 5 shekels from every soldier in the battery in order to buy a DVD player (with DivX support) for our "club". We currently have a sattelite TV, but not often can you find anything interesting to watch. With a DVD player, everyone could bring various movies and series to watch, so it's definitely worth the 5 shekels everyone's paying for it.<br /><br />I've had this free week to buy the DVD. I've been to various shops, but then I called Lior (who is also responsible for our battery's logistics) and he said that I should collect a few more shekels from everyone, because he can't afford to give me additional 200 NIS as he previously thought. Argh! Now I'll have to collect some more money from everyone.<br /><br />In 2 months it's going to be February. March '02 soldiers are going to be released. We only have 2 of them in our battery. One of them is a "senior" soldier with privileges. There are 6 of them in the whole battery - they have a separate room, they're released home more often than others, they don't do regular guard shifts, they don't work in the kitchen or anywhere else, they don't clean the base every morning and evening and wake up early, they have their own Sat-TV, they can bring anything they want including a DVD and a PS2, but they also have bigger responsibilities... slightly bigger.<br /><br />Who's going to take the place of that March '02 senior? Probably not me. I really wanted to be promoted to a senior, but there are too many candidates for the job. You have to be socially popular in the battery (everybody's friend), you have to initiate and devote yourself to the battery... am I?<br /><br />All my commanders and officers told me that I'm a good candidate, but I found out that they told that to many other guys as well. 2 weeks ago, Haim, one of the soldiers in the battery, told me that in his opinion I don't fit the job, that being a good soldier is not enough.<br /><br />I still remember how I stayed at night after a battery evening and washed all the dishes for over an hour without anyone telling me to do so. They all went to sleep, nobody really cared. I used to be the one to clean everything and do all the extra work, telling myself that one day I'll get something in return. Now it looks like I was wrong. Maybe it helped me with my flight to Germany... It surely was more important than becoming a senior! Yair later told me that it was really hard for them to authorize the flight, that they made it happen mostly because I am a good soldier.<br /><br />Soldiers from March '04 have joined our battery. 3 of them have joined my team.<br /><br /><strong>28th December, 2004</strong><br /><br />I'm being sent to a nearby base to guard there at the gate. It's the base where all the desk-workers of our regiment are located. Logistics, communications, munition, machinery workers, cooks, truck drivers etc. They can't even guard themselves now?<br /><br />They claim that they don't have enough soldiers who are "qualified" to guard on the weekends! That's because they go home every thursday and only few of them stay the weekend. Argh!<br /><br />There is also a platoon of Karakal over there. It's a platoon that's composed mostly of female combat soldiers. They volunteer to serve 3 years instead of 2 and they do about the same things that we do, except for the artillery stuff.<br /><br />I really respect them for that, although I don't think girls should do this kind of service. Not because they can't do it, but because they'd better preserve their health and sanity. Somebody has to, right?<br /><br />When I was at the dining room, I overheard a conversation between some desk-worker and a girl from Karakal. He said: "I'd like to see how you would handle the combat service as a male!". And that kind of belittlement comes out of the mouth of a desk worker, who comes home every weekend and does nothing but scratch between his legs all day long?!<br /><br />I once wanted to be a desk-worker, now I'm glad I'm not. Some workers are really shameful. There are so many of them who don't care about anyone but themselves, who don't do anything useful during their military service, workers who cuddle all day long with their female co-workers, workers who complain whenever they have to guard 4 hours a day! One should listen to their pitiful complaints about their conditions in the army.<br /><br />Asi, the new guy from my team, is the one that I'm swtiching places with. He was guarding here even during the week?! He showed me my room - there were 2 desk-workers there. One of them made sure I don't sleep in that room. He asked me to move to an empty room where there's no heating and mattresses. I moved there but took a mattress from his room, but the next day some worker came back from home and took it from me, saying that it's his own!<br /><br />After a guarding duty at noon I went to the kitchen just to find out that there was no food left for me. Lucky for me, a friend of mine is a commander at this base. He convinced the cook to make me some food.<br /><br /><br /><center>* * * * *</center><br /><br />I'd hoped I'd be released for the new year. One of our battery's officers told the soldiers to make a list of all the Russian-born soldiers who wanted to get home for the holiday. Every Russian-born soldier was eventually on that list.<br /><br />Israeli-born don't celebrate the new year. It's even called here by the name "Sylvester" - a Christian who murdered a lot of Jews back then.<br /><br />That's stupid! It's not entirely a Christian holiday. It's an international holiday! The whole world celebrates it!<br /><br />In the end, it was decided that we won't be released home for the holiday. As a result, 2 problematic Russian guys have escaped! One of them is a new guy from my team, his name's Slava.<br /><br />Because of their selfish acts, our battery commander considered calling back 2 soldiers from their vacations in order to fill the gap.<br /><br />Eventually, it was decided that we'll manage despite the shortage. We had to guard a few hours more each one, thanks to those 2 a**holes.<br /><br />Most of the desk-workers went home for the holiday, even those who came to the base yesterday!<br /><br />Ronen was brought here to guard with me as well. We guard here while all the desk-workers, including those who are "qualified" to guard, left home.<br /><br /><strong>31st December, 2004<br /></strong><br />My mom visited me today and brought me some food.<br /><br />I called Angel today.<br /><br />I didn't celebrate the new year in any way. No one to celebrate it with. I only called some of my friends and family and wished them a happy new year.<br /><br />I wish everyone a happy new year, 2005!<br /><br />It's the first time in my life that I miss this holiday. I can't believe it's 2005 already! :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4