Angel's Confessions

27th January, 2006

Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?

When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...

It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.

A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...

...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.

It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.

It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.

That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.

I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.

I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."

It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

...that girl was Angel.

In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!

3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.

Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?

The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.

On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.

Shelly: "what do you want to talk about?"
Me: "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."
Shelly: "yeah?"
Me: "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"
Shelly: "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"

Angel appeared online.

Me: "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"
Shelly: "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about that...you see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u too...so i will be only the interpreter..."

Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.

Me: "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."
Me: "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:
If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."
Me: "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."
Me: "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."
Angel: "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."
Me: "do you still feel anything for me?"
Angel: "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."
Me: "But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."
Angel: "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."
Me: "but what is that something?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"
Angel: "I wanna be with u, but not now"
Me: "when?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"
Angel: "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"
Me: "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."
Angel: "not a fiction, like a dream"
Me: "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."
Angel: "yeah"
Me: "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."
Angel: "I`m so sorry"
Me: "for what?"
Angel: "for everything"

She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.

Angel: "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"
Me: "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."
Me: "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"
Angel: "can`t say that,. it came step by step"

Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.

I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.

How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.

No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.

If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.

* * * * *

A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.

It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.

In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.

I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.

* * * * *

It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.

My own words kept coming back to my head...

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!

In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!

On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.

Her mail letter had a more detailed description:

"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"

"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"

"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"

"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!

Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."

"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"

I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?

Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.

Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.

Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.

She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.

Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.

I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.

Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.

Can love be everlasting?

25th November, 2005

Fresh soldiers from March '05 have joined our battery and I finally became a sergeant. Soldiers who served over 2.4 years in the army become "senior", or in Hebrew "pazamnik".

Me and my mates from August '03 no longer have to clean up the base every morning and evening, commanders don't check our magazines, our weapons or water flasks. We can now have our own room where we can put a TV, PS2, DVD and other electronic appliances. We are first priority in choosing our missions - usually senior soldiers are riding the Humvees or take part in special operations, it's obviously much better than standing in a roadblock or guarding the base.

The main benefit a senior soldier receives for his last 8 months of mandatory service is home release. Depending on the missions and the capacity of available soldiers, seniors get extra days at home whenever possible. For example, instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home), Seniors get 4/3 9/5 (4 days at the base, 3 days at home, then 9 days at the base and 5 days at home along with their team)

Nonetheless, despite the fact that our current mission does not require maximum capacity, our battery commander was daring enough to enforce a change in the policy of awarding seniors, which has been active ever since this battalion had been formed.

Senior soldiers including Alpha commanders (who've become victims of the policy as well) have set up several meetings with the battery commander and other officers (platoon commanders), laying out the arguments, explaining why awarding them with home release is important. The battery commander, however, refused to listen and insisted on equality - nobody gets extra days at home. He blamed the seniors for not doing enough for the battery. "Your job is to motivate the younger soldiers, to teach them of your experiences and serve as a good example for them. Instead, what you do all day long is sit on your butts in your rooms, watch TV and sleep all day long."

29th November, 2005

I feel like I MUST buy Angel a present. On what occasion? No occasion. She simply deserves it! I haven't given her a gift for a long time now. With her, everyday is like a special occasion. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I'm gonna buy her a gift today.

A few days later I received an SMS from Angel. She was thankful, telling me that I shouldn't have.

How would I describe my relationship with Angel at the moment? It's quite unclear. Over half a year ago she decided that it'd be better if we felt free to date other people. For how long? How long will our relationship will be in a suspended state? I wouldn't know. I only know this - I would do anything it takes to be with her, so if she ever decides that we're back together again, I will undoubtedly say yes!

12th December, 2005

Natalie contacted me. She says she's now in love with Dima, a guy she'd met online, he lives far away in the south, but after almost a year of contact they've finally met. I'm glad to see that she moved on.

She asked me if I could meet her and watch a movie together. For some reason, I felt like it was an offer I couldn't reject.

19th December, 2005

I've been thinking about this meeting with Natalie. When we were together, she was easily tempted to make out with other guys. What if the same thing happens with me?
How serious is her relationship with Dima? Is he, like Angel, simply wishes her to be happy and prefers to have an open long-distance relationship?

*a knock on the door*

She came inside my house and gave me a warm hug. I felt a sudden chilling wave, accompanied by old feelings that I used to have for Natalie. As we were watching the movie at my place, she leaned her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her arms. I hugged her back. I don't know why, but it was incredibly pleasant. It felt like we've just started a new relationship.

Me: "You're very tempting, you know that?"
Natalie: "Am I?"

She looked down at my lips, I looked back at hers. The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, what I wouldn't give away to kiss those lips once again!"

Me: "I don't wanna do something you might regret later on, this is your decision."
Natalie: "no, it's yours"
Me: "Mine? I have nothing to lose. You're the one who might end up cheating."

A short while later we were sitting so close to each other that our lips were only a few inches apart.

Me: "What would Dima say?"

I don't remember if I received an answer or not, but an instant later we were making out.

I walked her home and we've parted. On our way home she asked me to forget about everything, but when we reached her place, she had a change of mind: "I'm a smart girl. I know how to use guys properly. I have a friend who listens to me, a lover (me) and a boyfriend (Dima) all at the same time."

Me: "You can't date both of us. You have to make a decision."

This is not right. I don't wanna be anybody's lover, to make girls cheat.

She says she truly loves him, yet she cheats on him and desired to keep on doing it in the future.

Me: "You must tell him. Your conscience will eventually force you to."
Natalie: "No, I won't! He'll kill you if I do. You know how strong he is?"

That's a disregard to my own strength. I hate it when a girl thinks that some guy is stronger than me.

We parted. The next morning I was back in the army again.

I'm really really drawn to her physically, but her stiff character eliminates any possibility of us ever dating seriously again.

Should it be my problem that she cheats on Dima with me? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't let her cheat like that. Either way, I'd better move on and find myself someone.

22nd December, 2005

A radio show called "Mother's voice" will arrive here tomorrow. It's a show that interviews soldiers all over the country. They broadcast it on "Galei Tzahal".

Tonight I received a phone call from the show, a woman told me she was informed that I have a good story to tell. Apparently, someone from the battery had told them about my relationship with Angel. Oh man, I've never been interviewed, let alone live on the radio! Yet, somehow I couldn't say no.

Something else worries me though... Where is Angel? She hasn't replied to me for over 3 weeks. I've tried calling her on the phone, but she doesn't answer it. Has something happened to her? No! I don't care anymore if she has some bad news to tell me, I just want to know that she's alright.

23rd November, 2005

The radio crew has arrived to our base. We all gathered up in the dining room at 11am. My broadcast was about to begin at 12:30pm.

We had only 2 minutes to get ready. Me and Gil were up next. Gil was interviewed first. He talked about his relationship with Daniela, our battery secretary.

At the beginning it feels so tense, but once you start talking, you gain confidence and it even feels great!

Tami, the show hostess, asked me about how I've met Angel, what brought us closer together, our common interests and my trip to Germany. It was hard to explain everything briefly in a very short time interval, but I tried my best. Overall, I think it wasn't bad.

Only after my radio appearance was through have I realized that most of the soldiers were laughing the whole time. I couldn't believe it, but somehow I didn't really care.

The radio show gifted the battery with thermoses, t-shirts and a big TV screen.

24th December, 2005

Angel's absence has been bothering me a lot lately. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I couldn't take it anymore!

My mom kept Angel's home number somewhere. She wrote it down just in case, when I flew to Germany to meet her.

I called her home. Her brother had answered the phone after a few calls. He handed the phone over to his mom. She said Angel's out with friends, that she's alright. I thanked her and wished her a merry Christmas.

Phew! That's all I needed to know. But I still wonder why she doesn't talk to me...

25th December, 2005

I called her again. No answer. I called her home - Her mother answered, said Angel's in the shower.

A few minutes later I received a message from Angel: "Please don't call me at home again." Geez! "Ok. When can I call you then? I wanna talk to you." She wrote that I can call her mobile in a few minutes.

I could finally talk to her... She told me how she plans to quit her job, because her manager gets on her nerves and mistreats her. When I asked her why she didn't reply to my e-mails, messages and phone calls, she gave me the following explanation: when at work, she can't use her phone and she'd always forget to write or call back and she hasn't checked her e-mail for a very long time.

Of course I really wanted to believe that it's all a series of coincidences, but something didn't feel right. There was obviously more to it. I wish I knew what exactly.

If she really loved me, she would think about me and wonder how I'm doing, if I'm alright. But she didn't. It's like she doesn't care anymore!

We've known each other for 2.5 years. She'd always let me know how much she loves me, but not anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this, but since November it's no longer the same. Could it be that she no longer loves me? Could this be the end to our relationship?

Maybe it was over in March... What if I simply failed to read between the lines?

I've set out to prove that true love exists, that distance is not an obstacle in a serious relationship. If 2 people love each other, nothing can stand between them. This love... it can last forever. My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm crazy, but I'm pretty confident in what I believe. "You'll see..." I tell them, "I'll be the proof of my own words."

It takes 2 to prove that theory. Don't change your mind, Angel. If you love me, give me this opportunity. Everything will work out!

Atonement

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.

I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.

It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?

One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?

Can't say what I'd have preferred.

The Combatant's ID

A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).

A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.

The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.

We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.

10th October, 2005

While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!

Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...

My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.
I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!

How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)

Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.

I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.

But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!

12th October, 2005

Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.

Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.

Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.

Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.

We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.

13th October, 2005

Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.

Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.

Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?

14th October, 2005

Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.

We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.

I really wish that for everyone!

Moving On

12th September, 2005

Nothing much has happened in the last week.

Chief Artillery officer Dan Kaspy has visited our base and announced his resignation. He was one of the founders of this base. As a way of saying goodbye, he fired the howitzer for one last time.

On another day, a group of high-ranking officers have arrived at our base for some conference. They were served a delicious meal while we - the regular soldiers - were given the ordinary B-type food we usually get. Well, what do we expect?

As part of the presentation we were supposed to fire a few shells, but my team didn't fire any... because of me.

I don't know who touched it, but the left joystick control switch was off and nobody noticed it - not me, not my commander or the officer who came to see why we weren't firing. We never use this switch, but since it's located next to my position in the howitzer, I think it was my responsibility after all. That didn't matter much, though. It was only a presentation... other howitzers fired anyway.

I sure hope that won't happen again, especially not when we're to fire at Hezbollah.

14th September, 2005

I finally arrived home. Natalie spent some time at my place. Sigh, I want some free time for myself.

It's funny how you're dying to date someone when you've been lonely for months, and how you're dying to be alone for a while, when you've been dating for months. You miss what you had. Can we ever balance the two?

We went to the cinema, watched "The Skeleton Key". I'm having with Natalie, but it feels like we're just good friends. I have feelings for her, but it's not love. Not anymore. I'm not trying to make things work between us, not anymore. Yet I don't want her to get hurt. I just know how it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Yet I think she belongs to the type of people who could easily fall out of love and move on.

Who would've imagined that such a beautiful girl would be in love with me and I'd reject her? Me? The guy who a few years ago was willing to give up everything just to be loved by someone?

Beautiful? It all comes down to character eventually. Rejection? How can one not reject someone who's cheated on him so many times.

The times have changed. I'm now more confident than ever. There are so many girls out there.

16th September, 2005

We spent the morning together in the park. In the evening she went out with her friends - a girlfriend and 2 guys. They went to the beach, spent time at a pub, drank a lot of beer and played billiard. She asked me to do her a favor - if her mom calls me, I should pretend that she's with me.

According to her, she drank 3 liters of beer that night.

A call... It was her mother.

Natalie's mother: "I can't reach Natalie, her phone's busy. She needs to get home by now."
Me: "Okay, I'll tell her to call you back..."
Natalie's mother: "It isn't normal to talk for that long."
Me: "I know, don't worry I'll tell her to get back home."
Natalie's mother: "Give her the phone."
Me: "She's busy talking to someone else. It's ok, I'll ask her to call you back."
Natalie's mother: "She never calls back. Give her the phone, let me speak to her."
Me: "Look, don't worry. She's coming home."

She's finally let it go. Phew!
I tried to reach Natalie, but the line was busy. Argh! I sent her an SMS.

A few minutes later her mother called again.
Natalie's mother: "Where is she? Why doesn't she answer the phone?"
Me: "I don't know."
Natalie's mother: "Give her to me."
Me: "She went aside to speak with her friend."
Natalie's mother: "What friend? Why did she go aside? Let me speak to her."

She was getting more and more impatient and I was running out of lies. I'm bad at this and I hate it. No more favors like that, Natalie.

Me: "She's busy, we're on our way home."
Natalie's mother: "Where are you now?"
Me: "Near the beach."
Natalie's mother: "Are you going home or what? What street is it?"
Me: "I don't know, there are no signs nearby."
Natalie's mother: "What?! You don't know where you are?"
Me: "No, I do. Somewhere on the way home."

I was losing my confidence as she couldn't stop questioning me.

Natalie's mother: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Yes."
Natalie's mother: "What street is it?"
Me: "Ummm, we're now at the end of Arlozorov"

Arlozorov? Are you crazy?! She'd never buy it!
Besides, I'm at home right now and there's no sound of cars or people anywhere near.

Natalie's mother: "Didn't you say you were near the beach?!"
Me: "Yeah, we already left it."
Natalie's mother: "Okay. Tell Natalie to be get home fast. She must not be late."

Natalie later called me and then talked with her mom. Being urged to get home, she took a cab, leaving her friends in the pub without paying for the beer.

She entered her home, barely standing on her feet. Drunk, she went to bed, hoping her parents wouldn't notice. They haven't noticed it since they were asleep, but they've punished her the next morning anyway.

17th September, 2005

We were planning to go to Ashqelon to my dad's. He's going to travel and leave us his apartment down by the beach. Natalie's parents forbade her to go. I wasn't excited about the idea anyway.

Instead, we went to Memadyon - a water park in northern Tel Aviv. We've been at all the attractions, swam a lot and ate a fine dinner, having a lot of fun overall... until an incident has happened...

In one of the swimming pools, she asked me to stand up on a slightly higher spot. The moment I stood there, she tried to pull my shorts down.

Beneath my swim shorts I wore no underwear and there were a lot of people around us. Some of them noticed her attempt and watched us with curiosity. Lucky for me, I reacted in time and saved myself the big embarrassment.

I asked her not to do that again, but she ignored my request and did it again when I least expected it, pulling my short halfway down, revealing part of my buttocks. Although I'm sure there was nothing spectacular to see, it was still rather embarassing. She burst into laughing.

"Are you stupid? Are you actually dumb?!"

The word "dumb" made her stop laughing. "How can you call me that? How you dare cursing me? No one ever does. I never cursed you."

We stopped talking to each other, each one swimming on his own. After we left the water park she still wouldn't talk to me. I tried to break the ice: "I'm tired of saying 'sorry' instead of you all the time. You should forget your ego for once and admit that you're wrong." She didn't...

Later that day I messaged her and we became friends again.

18th September, 2005

I visited Natalie today. She seemed to be fully obsessed with Yakir - he's one of the 2 guys she went out with 2 days ago. She couldn't stop talking about how much she missed him, how cute he is. She even showed me his pics. Bah! After that, she says that I have a bad taste?!

I told her yesterday, prior to the fight: "Look, it doesn't matter what you do and what happens between us, it doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna tell you this, but you must one day accept it: I don't love you and even if I ever do, we won't be together forever. That's why you should look for other guys."

She's meeting Yakir tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe she's beginning to accept it.

19th September, 2005

Natalie met Yakir this afternoon and guess what? All he did was talk about girls and sex.
"He's obsessed with his penis! He's so proud of it. He asked me if I wanna have sex with him, touch it and so on." She refused his offer, of course. She doesn't want to have any contact with him, which is pretty obvious.

What a jerk. At least he was honest about his intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are even worse than that.

Again did the guy triggered the opposite reaction. After telling me about her date with Yakir, she added: "I realized once again that I you're my one and only!"

Couldn't tell her the same thing. These guys - who are supposed to do the work - eventually end-up doing the exact opposite - they get her to the same conclusion over and over again, that I'm the one for her.

Have I experienced this... illusion for Angel? Is Angel the ultimate one for me? I don't know. I doubt it. Am I the best guy for Natalie? Certainly not!

It's just a matter of time before she realizes it...

24th September, 2005

During the last few days, Natalie would call me and ask me once in a while whether I love her. I never answered her question, letting her know that I most likely don't. "Say that you love me..." "..." then we would change the subject...

Lately she's been calling me more often, telling me stories about her school friends and asking me some stupid questions: "What are you doing? ...Why?" "Why that and not this?"

It went on and on until I finally said: "Do you have anything interesting to say to me? Something that you called me for?" "No." "Then let's get back to whatever we were doing." "Wait... you don't like talking to me?!" ... "Well, we've got nothing to talk about and these questions are really boring me..." <--- A fight trigger!

These words of mine have led us to the longest and probalby the worst fight we've ever had.

"You don't care about talking to me! Nobody's ever said such a thing to me! You're such an asshole! I love you and care about you, but you don't give a shit about my feelings!"

Then she wished me and Angel would burn in hell. She threatened to hurt me and Angel, called me a total egoist.

"How dare you call me an egoist? I spend all my money on you, I take you to places, I walk you home, always do as you say. I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me and Angel?"

At some point I told her: "You know what? I don't care if you commit a suicide, if you try to hurt Angel or any other stuff. I don't want it to happen, but I don't care. It's your life. I just don't want us to break up as enemies, but as friends. I'll always like you and remember the good things about you."

She told me I'm the host hated person in the world, after her parents.

After another argument, it was sudden silence... The next thing I heard was her crying. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"I love you... I love you so much" she said while crying. A minute later she told me she didn't mean all the things she had said. Deep down inside, she did.

It's like a demon and an angel are trapped together in her soul, each one taking possession of her mind at a different time. I'm sorry Natalie, but I can't cope with that demon inside you.

25th September, 2005

We were talking phone today... I don't remember exactly what we were saying, but at one time these words have escaped my mouth: "I don't love you". She was shocked. In an instant she became very upset. "You dont.... love me?" "What? But Natalie, don't pretend you didn't know it. Why do you think I never answered whenever you asked me if I loved you. I thought you knew..."

I'm sure she knew. She just didn't want to accept it, hoping that one day I would give her a positive answer.

26th September, 2005

My team and team 2C walked down the road to a spring not far from our base.

Among the ruins of what probably used to be a Syrian village before the war, there was a small spring. A good place to light a fire and enjoy the nature.

Me and Daniel decided to take a walk, before the barbeque is ready. I asked him for advice - What is the best way to make Natalie stop loving me? He suggested that I stop showing emotions: Don't call her back, don't show any interest, be cold to her.

As absurd as it sounds, it seems to be true. If you really care about somebody, sometimes you have to cruel to him, for his own good.

28th September, 2005

Natalie called me, telling me that she smoked 21 cigarettes in just a few hours. She cries all day. I had nothing to say. What's her next move? This is getting scary.

The next time she called I told her that smoking and crying isn't gonna help, that it repulses me and that if she does that just to draw my attention and get my sympathy - this isn't going to work. She replied: "I don't wanna talk with you anymore right now. Bye"

30th September, 2005

This month is coming to an end, and so is my relationship with Natalie.

I never call her or initiate a conversation when she's online. When we do talk, I try to say as little as possible without revealing any emotions.

1st October, 2005

She calls me and tells me something terrible has happened. Last night she, Alice, Max and Alexey (her friends) walked on Bialik st. in Ramat Gan. They went to buy some beer when they were approached by 5 Russian guys a few years older than them.

These guys have threatened them and asked to join them. They beat Max in the face, took his cellphone and 140 shekels from his wallet.

They were forced to follow the guys to a bar where some 20 other guys where waiting for them. They sat down drank some vodka with juice. Natalie and her friends were sitting beside them, scared.

The Russian guys got drunk and flirted with Natalie and Alice. Being surrounded by some 30 men, running away was not a possibility.

The guys started touching their bodies. When Natalie and Alice tried to protect themselves, a few other guys approached the girls from behind, pulled their hands back and locked them up behind their backs so that they wouldn't resist. The girls could do nothing but scream, and when they did, one of the guys told his friends to let them go.

When they went out of the bar, they saw a guy sitting on the bumper of a car, smoking a cigarette. The Russian guys approached him and ordered him to scram. When he refused, they beat him in the face and broke his hand.

Natalie said they're going to go to the police and report it. The guy who stole Max's phone, gave him his own. Maybe it could lead the police to that guy.

One good thing came out of this whole story, though. She now likes Max.

The next day she wrote: "I'm in love..."
"With whom?" "With Max."
"And what about him?"
"I don't know. Alexey said he'll make sure we'll be together."

Finally, I can mark the end of this troublesome and complicated relationship with Natalie.

I'm glad it took so little time for her to "forget" me.

Thank you, Natalie. Now we both can move on with our lives.

The shortest way out

31st August, 2005

It was time to tell her everything...

"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."

Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"

Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."

Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?

I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.

Natalie:"Okay... why?"

Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"

Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."
Me: "What? Come on, tell me."
Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."
Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."

It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.

Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."
Me: "What do you like about him?"
Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."

Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"
Natalie: "Yeah, it does."

It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.

Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."

Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."

I had to go. We hung up.

It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.

I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.

1st September, 2005

I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.

This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.

I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.

Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."

Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."

Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."

Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."

Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"

Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."
Me: "I am."
Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."
Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."
Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."

Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."
Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."

I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!

Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"
Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."

Me: "How long ago was it?"
Natalie: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"
Natalie: "3-4 months ago."

S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.

Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"
Natalie: "15 minutes."

It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.

Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"

Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."
Me: "Do you regret what you did?"
Natalie: "yes and no.."
Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"
Natalie: "no, I do regret it."

I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!

Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."

Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."

I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.

Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."

She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...

"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!

Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.

I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"

The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.

She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.

Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."

She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.

Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?

Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"
Natalie: "what?"
Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"

I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.

Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."

Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"

A smile.

Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"
Me: "I'm sorry."

I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".

One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.

The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.

It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.

Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"

Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"
Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"
Natalie: "My love."
Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."

Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.

Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.

I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."

That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.

Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.

That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.

It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.

Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...

Fine moments that bring us closer together

24th July, 2005


I was sitting in my room when Michael, my officer, entered and called me out for a talk. He told me I was chosen to represent our battery in an interview tomorrow by the Russian-Israeli television NTV. They'll interview our battery commander and a few other soldiers as well.

I called my family and friends and notified them about it.

25th July, 2005

The interview has been eventually cancelled.

I talked to Angel today. I missed her so much!

I told her about everything, including how I feel for her and about Natalie's demand that we stop communicating. She said I could either talk to her in secret, without letting Natalie know, or we could do as she says.

"If I don't be with Natalie in a year from now, would you want us to be together?" "Yes, I do."

No, I don't intend to break up with Natalie, I'm just considering all the possibilities here.

After this conversation I realized that I can't just walk away from Angel. Natalie didn't want to hear about it... "It's either me or her!" After a while we reached an agreement: I explained her of the situation, meaning I can't give Angel up unless I have a guarantee that we'll be together until the end. If we keep fighting like that and I leave Angel, I'll end up losing you both.

I told her she should go to northern Tel Aviv and meet those rich guys that Shachar was talking about, to find out what she really wants. I agreed to stop communication with Angel in case she agrees to go with it until the end.

29th July, 2005

Angel showed up online. I didn't talk to her. She didn't start talking to me either.
Meanwhile, my relationship with Natalie was improving...

1st August, 2005

Natalie doesn't feel anything for Amir anymore. Today he's coming over to her place for a few hours. She says she loves me very very much and promises that she would restrain herself around Amir.

Fine, let them meet...

The result is... They sat in her room for a while and chatted. There was one moment that their lips met, but then she thought of me and pushed him away. Afterwards, they visited the Azrieli towers. In a deserted corridor leading to the restrooms they stood, facing each other.

Amir: "Can I kiss you."
Natalie: "I don't know." (?!)
Amir: "Well... can I?"

She explained this by saying the she didn't want to upset him by saying "no". Instead, she leaned ahead and kissed him lightly on the lips, smiling. It seems she still has some feelings for him, but clearly less.

3rd August, 2005

She arrived to my place, meeting me downstairs. "Where's the warm hug that I so greatly deserve?" I hugged her from behind, kissing her cheeks, the sweet sensation, the smell of her hair, feelings that I can't really describe.

5th August, 2005

We agreed to meet at her place this morning at 10:30am, then take our bikes and travel around Tel Aviv, crossing the whole Ha-Yarkon park and proceeding down to the beach.

I was getting late. Arrived at 10:50am to her place, only to find out that she hadn't even woke up. It took her a looong time to get ready. Girls...

At 12:30pm we set out on a long journey. Riding the bycicle with her was a lot of fun. The windy weather and the beautiful park have only contributed to the wonderful atmosphere.

In the middle of the park there's a small lake where boats can be rented. It was a great idea of hers. We took a boat and spent an hour at the lake. The sun was setting. It was so quiet and peaceful.

"In 30 years from now, you'd come here to this very place and see that nothing here has changed. But at the same time, nothing would be the same as before. The leaves, falling from the trees would remind you of your youth, times that you cannot bring back, great times. You would shed a tear, wishing you could experience it all again. So enjoy it now as much as possible."

That wasn't very encouraging, but she remembered those words...

We proceeded to the beach heading far into the south, until we've reached the mall on Allenby st. next to the fountains. We went up to the top floor and ordered food in a restaurant-bar the name of which I couldn't qutie recall. The food was awful. It came in small quantities in contrast to its price.

On our way back home, we saw a lot of police cars patrolling around. Natalie said it's because of a high drug-sale activity in this area. She used to volunteer in the national guard a year ago, that's how she knows it. Her brother volunteers in the police.

She says he worked in Jaffo - a part of southern Tel Aviv, inhabited mostly by Israeli Arabs. I told her about the cops I met in roadblocks. She says her brother is no less racist than them. Great! Dad's a stalinist, mom's his executive dictator and her brother is a racist cop. Hmm... If I marry her one day, that will be my family? *chills* Poor Natalie... :(

6th August, 2005

My dad booked a room in the hotel "Sun" in Bat Yam for me and Natalie. We took a cab over there at 12pm. The hotel looked very nice.

I approached the reception desk and asked for the key registered on my name. The receptionist looked for it and didn't find any rooms booked on my name. I called my dad and he talked to the woman at the desk. It turns out he booked a room from a different receptionist who worked here yesterday. After 2 minutes of hearing him yelling at her, she opened a drawer and found it.

I pitied the woman. Judging by the look on her pale face, this call had ruined her day. :(

She gave me 2 keys - room 301 and 404, to choose which one would be more suitable for us. Room 512, which was originally booked for us has already been taken by someone else. It's alright, mistakes happen.

Room 301 faced the swimming pool and the sea. The other one faced a deserted tennis and soccer courts and a big pile of garbage, just outside the hotel.

We really had a great time together. We ate at a Japenese-Chinese restaurant. The food was great. This time the meal was big enough to feed 4 people and the price was the same.

The waiter that served us was a cute Russian 20+ girl who reminded me of Lena, my step-cousin. I gave her a relatively big tip - 20NIS. But that's not only because she was cute, I just didn't have any coins. =)

The swimming pool closed down at 7pm, so we went to the sea instead. The water wasn't cold. It looked like it was Natalie's first swimming experience. She seeked refuge in my arms with every incoming wave. She screamed often, but in overall I think she enjoyed swimming with me.

We layed down on the sand, watching the sun sink in the horizon, painting the sky in pink and red.

We kissed. She told me how much she enjoys spending time with me. She wanted to spend the night here with me, since we have to be checked out tomorrow morning, but her parents had forbid her.

The sun was setting down fast, as they were arguing and shouting over the phone. She hung up several times, unable to listen to her parents much longer. For the next 10 minutes she was crying and there was nothing I could to help. It was only later that I was able to comfort her and help her deal with whatever her parents had said.

Her mother wanted to speak to me. She said that she wants to see her daughter back home by 10pm, that I'm in charge and therefore I shouldn't surrender to Natalie's pleads, that our stay wasn't planned to extend until tomorrow morning and that we're not a married couple to do such things. (Are you kidding me? I have to be married in order to her to spend a night with her alone?!)

It would have been pointless arguing with her.

My dad picked us up at 9pm and brought us to her place. I'd been thinking about her on my way home.

I love her so much. It's been so great together...

7th August, 2005

We spent some time at my place. After her work, we'd met at the entrance to the mall in Givataim. I was late, but to my surprise she wasn't mad at me. It's usually easy to upset her.

We went to the cinema and watched "Sky high", it was an average movie. I walked her home and it was time for us to part. Tomorrow I'm back in the army again.

It was hard. She didn't want to get inside the elevator. I held her tight and when I started leaving, I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes. I couldn't go... I ran back and held her tighter, kissing her passionately. Tears were now all over our faces. It was getting even more difficult for us to part.

I had to let her go... for now.

She entered the elevator. The time slowed down... We were looking at each other as the door slowly closed down between us.

A single moment later I felt a wave of melancholy surge through my body. I felt pain in my chest. Why is it so hard to part? The thought of not seeing her again for 16 days... My eyes were becoming watery.

Natalie!!! I don't wanna fight with you anymore.

Is it always up to me? Can I control it?

Making the right choice? Only time will tell

18th July, 2005

As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.

It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.

I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.

When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.

At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.

He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.

By the evening we were back to the base.

19th July, 2005

We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.

As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"

21st July, 2005

We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.

In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.

She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?

She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.

After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.

Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.

Break up for 1 month? And then what?!

16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!

Things will change, I'm sure of that.

It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!

I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.

I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.

22nd July, 2005

Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.

"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."

The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.

I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....

"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."

"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."

Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."

Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)

I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.

Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.

The Presentation

2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.

The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.

Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...
More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."
She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."

(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)

During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...

The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...

I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."

She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.

"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!

On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."

On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:

There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.

She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.

So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?

What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.

Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.

In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?

Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...

Mixed feelings and unstable relationships

3rd July, 2005

Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."

Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?

After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.

"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."

She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.

It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!

I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.

There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.

How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!

"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."

"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."

Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.

I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.

Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.

This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"

Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!

She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."

At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."

She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.

Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".

4th July, 2005

I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.

Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?

She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.

"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."

What?!

She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.

"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.

She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.

My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.

"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."

I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.

How could she do this? What was she thinking?!

"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."

She agreed.

Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.

When I talked to her again, I still had questions...

"How long have you kissed?"

S-H-O-C-K!

A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!

"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!

How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?

My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?

The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?

"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.

I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.

I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.


* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.

This is getting nowhere.

This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)

She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."

Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.

I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.

It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.

Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."

She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?

This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.

Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.

Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.

I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.

I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.

What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.

Until we meet again

10th June, 2005

Natalie told me a story about Amir... They've made a bet. She told him he can't kiss a guy so he's decided to prove otherwise.

He met a gay guy somewhere in Arad and so he invited him on a date. They went to the cinema and after the movie was over they walked to his house and... they kissed and gave oral sex to each other. He told her they'd done everything except sex and that he's not even gay.

Yeah, sure he's not... like, any guy would do something like that, right? No!

12th June, 2005

Natalie works as a babysitter for one Israeli family near Weitzman st. in Givataim. The guy is over 40, he has a disabled wife and two 4-6 year old kids. Natalie comes over when they ask her to, whenever the parents wanna get some time away from their kids. But this is not the whole story... The thing is, this 40+ y.o. guy buys her presents, gives her tickets with special discounts... and he touches her whenever he drives her home, telling her about how sad and pathetic his life is. It really disgusts her, but she feels sorry for him and she really needs this work.

"He mustn't dare touching you. You should tell him to stop, and if he ever touches you again despite your warning it's sexual harassment. You go to the police and they would take care of it."

Is he going to try anything? She knows where he lives. She's 15. He could be put in jail for a long term...

Today Natalie had to go to work for 2 hours. "Will you wait for me? I'll do everything in 2 hours tops and then we could hang around some more."

Sure, why not? I pedaled my bike around the city, stopping for a drink. Then I decided to buy her a bouquet of roses. But since we were going to my place after she finishes work, I bought her a single rose so she wouldn't have to carry a whole bouquet throughout the city. I'll buy her a bouquet next time.

I wanted to surprise her... She will call up the elevator and when the doors open, I will be standing there, with a rose in my outstreched hand...

I was standing inside the elevator when someone pressed the button. 1st floor... 2nd floor... A stop! Wrong floor! I hid the rose behind my back. The door opened and a guy came in. He was probably surprised to see me standing in an elevator that just came up and was going back down. "You're going down?" he asked me. "Yes"

I decided to be smarter this time... She's on the 4th floor. If she comes out of the apartment I'll be able to hear it if I stand on the stairs and listen carefully.

I heard some noise, but before I could tell which floor it was coming from, the elevator closed and started to go up... to the 4th floor! Shit! I missed the opportunity!

Thinking fast, I thought it'd still be surprising if I go up to the first floor and call the elevator. She wouldn't expect to see me on the first floor, right?

I ran upstairs and pressed the button. The elevator door opened... I was about to give her the rose, but then I quickly hid it when I saw a woman standing there instead, holding a flowerpot in her hands. She thought it was the ground floor and almost went out of the elevator. I almost gave her the rose. I probably looked odd smiling at her, almost laughing there. I couldn't help it! I somehow entered the elevator and turned around without her seeing the rose. I didn't want myself to look even more odd...

The third time it had to be it. I was standing in the elevator. It went up to the 4th floor. The door opened and there she stood. She wasn't that surprised to see me... but when I gave her the rose, she literally melted. We hugged and kissed. Mission accomplished.

We arrived at my place and spent some good time together.

I had a chat with Angel. I told her everything about Natalie. She didn't get hurt. The opposite, she is happy for me and encourages me to keep it that way. She says she misses me and very often wishes that I was there with her. She also says that I'm the only person that really cares about her and that she'll always love me, even if it's just a little bit. Oh Angel... you'll always be a very special friend of mine...

13th June, 2005

We went to the beach tonight. It was so romantic walking in the sand together, feeling the breeze, holding hands and kissing. 2 days ago we did the same, only that we had very little time. Her mom is very strict. She never lets her hang out after 10pm. That means that we have to get going as early as 9:30pm, so 2 days ago we only had 1 hour at the beach.

After standing for an hour in Yotvata (there were no seats left!) and running after the damn waitresses so they could finally care enough to take our order and give us our drinks, we walked to the beach again.

A homeless guy asked me for money. I gave him 5 shekels. Later Natalie saw a guy selling roses. She said she wanted one. Then the guy came up to us and asked me if SHE wants a rose. That's their strategy, to make guys uncomfortable around their girlfriends and force them into buying a rose. "Sure, how much?" "20" For one rose?! At the store I bought it for 6 and he was now asking for 20. I looked inside my wallet, it looked like I didn't have enough.

She wasn't upset that I didn't buy her a rose, the opposite, she thought it wasn't worth the money.

We had great time at the beach and hard time parting.

I can't believe her parents. They're really annoying! They tell her to do things that they could easily do by themselves. She has to come home and do it whenever they tell her to. They use her! Her older brother does much less! She has to clean up after him. Her dad thinks that since she's the youngest in the family and since she's a female, she has to do all the work and start to get used to it!

What the?! She's nobody's slave!

She told me her parents plan to leave her here in Israel and go back to Moscow once she turns 18. Her dad and their relatives have an illegal business there of selling human organs. Natalie lived most of her live in Israel. She grew up here and she doesn't want to go back to Moscow. I'll gladly become her new family. =) But it's a long time until she turns 18...

24th June, 2005

Me and Natalie were spending time in the Azrieli towers. We ascended to the top, 49th floor of the building to enjoy the beautiful view of Tel-Aviv, when her mother called her and asked her to come home at once.

"to do what?" I asked in a slightly disappointed tone.
"to clean up the toilet" !!!

As if it can't wait! Her parents really freak me out... and there's nothing I can do about it. She's no less upset about it than I am. Besides, she's the one who has to live with them and bear it every single day.. and they never give her a break. Never.

Now I'm waiting downstairs... 40 minutes... Until she finishes cleaning up the toilet. They probably gave her some additional tasks. Her folks don't care that I'm waiting for her outside. I don't wanna be there and witness her being enslaved and humiliated. I've already heard them scream at her once. They give me the chills.

A woman has entered the building. She saw me sitting on the floor and writing this. She said it's not normal and asked me not to sit her like that again. She thought I was doing homework.

When Natalie finally came back, she was holding a stock of ads in her hands.
"What is that?" Another task that her folks have given her.

They wanna rent their parking spot. We were walking around the neighborhood, sticking ads. After 20 minutes she was sick of it. She threw them all away.

We took our bikes and headed to my place. Unfortunately, Natalie fell off the bike not far away from her home. She injured her knee and her elbow. It started bleeding so we hurried back to her place. So here I am again... sitting at the entrance, waiting for her to come down again after she treats her injuries and changes her clothes.

It's definitely not one of my best days. The same for her. *sigh*

Funny, isn't it? How great times sometimes seem to be so bad. I have a great girlfriend, we spend good time together. What can be better than that? I should really appreciate it!

We ate pizza and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the cinema. When we were back, we took a sit in the park beside her house.

I had 2 more days to spend with her before I go back to the army again. The artillery training is now over. We are being sent to the northern border on Monday. I don't know when I'll be back home again. It might even be 2-3 weeks.

She told me she has a lot of work on Sunday. I asked her to postpone her work to the evening, but she refused. She didn't want to disappoint her employer. I was upset - I was only going to see her until 2pm. She got upset too. She started crying. I hugged her and wiped her tears. "Everybody wants something from me. Everyday I have to give all of my time away, whether it's my parents telling me to do this and do that, whether it's Shachar (her employer) who asks me to come to work whenever he wants..." and sometimes it's me asking her to spend more time with me. "I don't even have time for myself, to read a book or watch TV." I couldn't believe I made her cry! It's the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I ever wanted. Nobody deserves her tears! She deserves so much more... :(

I feel that I love her and care about her so much, I want her to smile again and forget the very meaning of crying. I walked her home. We hugged and kissed. I told her I'll always be by her side. Even when I'm not around, my spirit will always be around whenever she needs me. I'll always support her and help her in any way that I can.

She walked towards the elevator and I walked out of the entrance door. As the door closed behind me, the time suddenly froze. I turned around to look at her once more and so did she... and although we've already said goodbye, at that exact moment there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat so fast, making me breathless. I ran back, entered the door code, opened it and ran as fast as I could, reaching out for her and holding her desprately in my arms. I kissed her passionately, perhaps a little too passionately because she banged her head on the wall. It was really funny.

That moment was so unforgettable. She told it to her dad, her dad told it to her grandma and her grandma then came to her later on and asked her absolutely seriously: what kind of boyfriend do you have that hits you like that, that bangs your head against the wall?

Geez, is all her family like that?

25th June, 2005

It's Saturday. We woke up early in the morning so we could go and spend some time at the beach before it gets too hot. I was at her neighborhood at 7am, waiting for her at the designated place.

7:10... 7:20... 7:30... where is she?! I headed up to her place and saw her and her mother come out of the elevator. She's always late because her parents ask her to do things all the time.

We were pedaling throughout the city on our way to the beach. Lucky we weren't that far from her home when I found out she didn't bring her swimsuit. She thought we weren't going to the beach after all. Sigh. Never mind. I can never ever be mad at her, no matter what she might do.

Driving around the city was fun. We found ourselves a nice shaded spot down at the beach. She didn't wanna go in the water because of her knee injury so we layed there on the beach and made out. After a short while I told her we should better stop, because people might be looking at us, but she assured me that there was no one who was paying attention to us.

After a while, when I was lying on top of her and kissing her, I could hear some old ladies mumbling: "look what they're doing in a public beach!" "shameless youth!" "if she were my niece, I would have choked her to death!" (Geez!) "Georgians would have stoned her for that kind of behavior!" "now she'll start stripping her clothes!" "there are more decent place for such things"

The old ladies wouldn't stop talking. They were right beside us and they didn't care if we heard them. In the end they asked us to stop. Ah, the hell with that!

Okay okay, I know that making out in the middle of a public beach isn't exactly appropriate, but it was, I'd say, quite a modest make-out. Besides, there are more polite ways to ask people not to do something.

They simply forgot what kind of things they were doing 50-60 years ago...

We went away, taking a walk across the beach. After eating at Burger Ranch, we headed to my place.

Some time later, her mother called her, asking her to watch a TV program about young teenagers who got pregnant. So we sat in the hall and watched it.

There was a 13 year old girl who has agreed to give away her already-born child to be raised by her mother. One girl was raped by her grandfather when she was 6. The odd thing about this, is that she got pregnant and the child died in the womb after a few weeks. The girl still doesn't know what exactly had happened to her. She cannot comprehend it.

Then the neglecting 'fathers' were interviewed. One kid said: "I don't wanna be a father. I have a future. A college to attend. What happened there is in the past now. She had pretty eyes, that I can tell."

It reminded me of what Natalie once told me... She said she met a guy named Oleg who had sex with a drunk girl and made her pregnant. She was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything and he didn't bother telling her about the incident because he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for that child.

This is so brutal! Irresponsible.

If I ever get Natalie pregnant, I'll take full responsibility for it. How can one ruin a girl's life like that? And it's not only a girl's life but a child's too...

Speaking of children. Me and Natalie have already thought about how we're gonna name our future children. Of course that's just out of fun. We don't plan to have any at least for the next... 5 years.

So children, if you read this, please don't be mad at us if we eventually named you differently or if you don't like those names, but here they are: Michelle, Chris, Lynn and Robin. Yeah, those are international names, because we both think you should live and grow up in a better place, or at least a more cultured one.

26th June, 2005

The sad feeling of an inevitable ending of this vacation grew stronger with each passing minute. Soldiers were walking around everywhere I looked. Argh.

I have one more day to spend time with her. I might as well do my best to enjoy it to the max.

We spent some time together until 2pm. Then we met again at 7pm in Wolfson park. There, sitting uphill we watched the sunset and kissed. After that we came to my place and the time just wouldn't slow down! At 1opm we had to part. We were standing on the road, waiting for her taxi. She'd begged me to stay and not go to the army. She was almost crying. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't stop holding her... I didn't want it to end again. But it had to be done eventually.

The taxi has arrived, but it was kind enough to wait until we finished kissing for one last time.. until we meet again.

When the cab left, she turned around and kept looking at me until I was out of sight. I stood there and looked back at her, watching her divine presence slowly fading away. I kept standing there for another minute. My eyes were wet from tears.

Till next time, my love. Until we meet again.