Friday, September 12, 2008

Can love be everlasting?

25th November, 2005

Fresh soldiers from March '05 have joined our battery and I finally became a sergeant. Soldiers who served over 2.4 years in the army become "senior", or in Hebrew "pazamnik".

Me and my mates from August '03 no longer have to clean up the base every morning and evening, commanders don't check our magazines, our weapons or water flasks. We can now have our own room where we can put a TV, PS2, DVD and other electronic appliances. We are first priority in choosing our missions - usually senior soldiers are riding the Humvees or take part in special operations, it's obviously much better than standing in a roadblock or guarding the base.

The main benefit a senior soldier receives for his last 8 months of mandatory service is home release. Depending on the missions and the capacity of available soldiers, seniors get extra days at home whenever possible. For example, instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home), Seniors get 4/3 9/5 (4 days at the base, 3 days at home, then 9 days at the base and 5 days at home along with their team)

Nonetheless, despite the fact that our current mission does not require maximum capacity, our battery commander was daring enough to enforce a change in the policy of awarding seniors, which has been active ever since this battalion had been formed.

Senior soldiers including Alpha commanders (who've become victims of the policy as well) have set up several meetings with the battery commander and other officers (platoon commanders), laying out the arguments, explaining why awarding them with home release is important. The battery commander, however, refused to listen and insisted on equality - nobody gets extra days at home. He blamed the seniors for not doing enough for the battery. "Your job is to motivate the younger soldiers, to teach them of your experiences and serve as a good example for them. Instead, what you do all day long is sit on your butts in your rooms, watch TV and sleep all day long."

29th November, 2005

I feel like I MUST buy Angel a present. On what occasion? No occasion. She simply deserves it! I haven't given her a gift for a long time now. With her, everyday is like a special occasion. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I'm gonna buy her a gift today.

A few days later I received an SMS from Angel. She was thankful, telling me that I shouldn't have.

How would I describe my relationship with Angel at the moment? It's quite unclear. Over half a year ago she decided that it'd be better if we felt free to date other people. For how long? How long will our relationship will be in a suspended state? I wouldn't know. I only know this - I would do anything it takes to be with her, so if she ever decides that we're back together again, I will undoubtedly say yes!

12th December, 2005

Natalie contacted me. She says she's now in love with Dima, a guy she'd met online, he lives far away in the south, but after almost a year of contact they've finally met. I'm glad to see that she moved on.

She asked me if I could meet her and watch a movie together. For some reason, I felt like it was an offer I couldn't reject.

19th December, 2005

I've been thinking about this meeting with Natalie. When we were together, she was easily tempted to make out with other guys. What if the same thing happens with me?
How serious is her relationship with Dima? Is he, like Angel, simply wishes her to be happy and prefers to have an open long-distance relationship?

*a knock on the door*

She came inside my house and gave me a warm hug. I felt a sudden chilling wave, accompanied by old feelings that I used to have for Natalie. As we were watching the movie at my place, she leaned her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her arms. I hugged her back. I don't know why, but it was incredibly pleasant. It felt like we've just started a new relationship.

Me: "You're very tempting, you know that?"
Natalie: "Am I?"

She looked down at my lips, I looked back at hers. The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, what I wouldn't give away to kiss those lips once again!"

Me: "I don't wanna do something you might regret later on, this is your decision."
Natalie: "no, it's yours"
Me: "Mine? I have nothing to lose. You're the one who might end up cheating."

A short while later we were sitting so close to each other that our lips were only a few inches apart.

Me: "What would Dima say?"

I don't remember if I received an answer or not, but an instant later we were making out.

I walked her home and we've parted. On our way home she asked me to forget about everything, but when we reached her place, she had a change of mind: "I'm a smart girl. I know how to use guys properly. I have a friend who listens to me, a lover (me) and a boyfriend (Dima) all at the same time."

Me: "You can't date both of us. You have to make a decision."

This is not right. I don't wanna be anybody's lover, to make girls cheat.

She says she truly loves him, yet she cheats on him and desired to keep on doing it in the future.

Me: "You must tell him. Your conscience will eventually force you to."
Natalie: "No, I won't! He'll kill you if I do. You know how strong he is?"

That's a disregard to my own strength. I hate it when a girl thinks that some guy is stronger than me.

We parted. The next morning I was back in the army again.

I'm really really drawn to her physically, but her stiff character eliminates any possibility of us ever dating seriously again.

Should it be my problem that she cheats on Dima with me? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't let her cheat like that. Either way, I'd better move on and find myself someone.

22nd December, 2005

A radio show called "Mother's voice" will arrive here tomorrow. It's a show that interviews soldiers all over the country. They broadcast it on "Galei Tzahal".

Tonight I received a phone call from the show, a woman told me she was informed that I have a good story to tell. Apparently, someone from the battery had told them about my relationship with Angel. Oh man, I've never been interviewed, let alone live on the radio! Yet, somehow I couldn't say no.

Something else worries me though... Where is Angel? She hasn't replied to me for over 3 weeks. I've tried calling her on the phone, but she doesn't answer it. Has something happened to her? No! I don't care anymore if she has some bad news to tell me, I just want to know that she's alright.

23rd November, 2005

The radio crew has arrived to our base. We all gathered up in the dining room at 11am. My broadcast was about to begin at 12:30pm.

We had only 2 minutes to get ready. Me and Gil were up next. Gil was interviewed first. He talked about his relationship with Daniela, our battery secretary.

At the beginning it feels so tense, but once you start talking, you gain confidence and it even feels great!

Tami, the show hostess, asked me about how I've met Angel, what brought us closer together, our common interests and my trip to Germany. It was hard to explain everything briefly in a very short time interval, but I tried my best. Overall, I think it wasn't bad.

Only after my radio appearance was through have I realized that most of the soldiers were laughing the whole time. I couldn't believe it, but somehow I didn't really care.

The radio show gifted the battery with thermoses, t-shirts and a big TV screen.

24th December, 2005

Angel's absence has been bothering me a lot lately. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I couldn't take it anymore!

My mom kept Angel's home number somewhere. She wrote it down just in case, when I flew to Germany to meet her.

I called her home. Her brother had answered the phone after a few calls. He handed the phone over to his mom. She said Angel's out with friends, that she's alright. I thanked her and wished her a merry Christmas.

Phew! That's all I needed to know. But I still wonder why she doesn't talk to me...

25th December, 2005

I called her again. No answer. I called her home - Her mother answered, said Angel's in the shower.

A few minutes later I received a message from Angel: "Please don't call me at home again." Geez! "Ok. When can I call you then? I wanna talk to you." She wrote that I can call her mobile in a few minutes.

I could finally talk to her... She told me how she plans to quit her job, because her manager gets on her nerves and mistreats her. When I asked her why she didn't reply to my e-mails, messages and phone calls, she gave me the following explanation: when at work, she can't use her phone and she'd always forget to write or call back and she hasn't checked her e-mail for a very long time.

Of course I really wanted to believe that it's all a series of coincidences, but something didn't feel right. There was obviously more to it. I wish I knew what exactly.

If she really loved me, she would think about me and wonder how I'm doing, if I'm alright. But she didn't. It's like she doesn't care anymore!

We've known each other for 2.5 years. She'd always let me know how much she loves me, but not anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this, but since November it's no longer the same. Could it be that she no longer loves me? Could this be the end to our relationship?

Maybe it was over in March... What if I simply failed to read between the lines?

I've set out to prove that true love exists, that distance is not an obstacle in a serious relationship. If 2 people love each other, nothing can stand between them. This love... it can last forever. My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm crazy, but I'm pretty confident in what I believe. "You'll see..." I tell them, "I'll be the proof of my own words."

It takes 2 to prove that theory. Don't change your mind, Angel. If you love me, give me this opportunity. Everything will work out!

1 comment:

Beachdiary said...

can you not jump a while later and tell us how it turned out?