Angel's Confessions

27th January, 2006

Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?

When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...

It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.

A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...

...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.

It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.

It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.

That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.

I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.

I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."

It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

...that girl was Angel.

In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!

3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.

Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?

The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.

On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.

Shelly: "what do you want to talk about?"
Me: "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."
Shelly: "yeah?"
Me: "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"
Shelly: "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"

Angel appeared online.

Me: "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"
Shelly: "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about that...you see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u too...so i will be only the interpreter..."

Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.

Me: "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."
Me: "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:
If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."
Me: "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."
Me: "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."
Angel: "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."
Me: "do you still feel anything for me?"
Angel: "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."
Me: "But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."
Angel: "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."
Me: "but what is that something?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"
Angel: "I wanna be with u, but not now"
Me: "when?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"
Angel: "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"
Me: "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."
Angel: "not a fiction, like a dream"
Me: "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."
Angel: "yeah"
Me: "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."
Angel: "I`m so sorry"
Me: "for what?"
Angel: "for everything"

She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.

Angel: "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"
Me: "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."
Me: "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"
Angel: "can`t say that,. it came step by step"

Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.

I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.

How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.

No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.

If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.

* * * * *

A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.

It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.

In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.

I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.

* * * * *

It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.

My own words kept coming back to my head...

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!

In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!

On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.

Her mail letter had a more detailed description:

"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"

"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"

"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"

"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!

Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."

"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"

I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?

Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.

Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.

Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.

She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.

Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.

I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.

Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.

The D-day

20th November, 2005

My team arrived to the based after a short vacation at home. Not an hour later we were called to the cannons due to high alert. Lior, our new battery commander was excited to fire his first shells as a commander. The team on the other hand preferred it didn't happen. There's too much work after firing cannons, way too much.. We assured him that nothing would happen, we've been on high alert for months and nothing really happens.

21st November, 2005

2.55 P.M. - We were sitting in the club, watching TV when suddenly the alarm went off!

"Is it a drill?"
Tomer: "I'm telling you guys, it's not a drill! It's for real this time!!"

Some of the soldiers heard bangs a few minutes before the alarm. Then they saw smoke rising in different parts of the Hula valley.

We grabbed our weapons and sprinted towards the cannons. I ran as fast as I could, the sound of the alarm pumping up the adrenalin in my blood. It was the time to do our best, to do what were trained for.

I entered the howitzer, shortly afterwards the rest of the team arrived as well. Navigators, commanders and drivers should be the first to arrive.

Climbing up and looking outside the hatch, I could see black smoke rising from Rajar. Dozens of lights flashed in Rajar amidst the clouds that partially covered the village.

At first, we thought it was Hezbollah's positions, but then we realized it was Israeli territory which was under constant heavy fire.

"What is going on?! These sons of a bi$#@es! Why aren't we firing back?!"

Another pillar of smoke could be seen rising from the lower part of the Dov mountain, near an Israeli base.

Several times we could see something that resembled fireworks, a few dozen flashes in one place, like tiny bombs exploding one after another.

Meanwhile, all the citizens of nearby towns were asked to get down to bomb shelters. An estimate of 100,000 citizens went down to safety.

"Nothing like that has ever happened since the withdrawal of Israeli troops from Lebanon in 2000!"

A few of our soldiers were on their way back with supplies from another base. A Katyusha rocket hit the asphalt only a short distance behind them. Luckily, they weren't hurt. They couldn't believe it - Another second and they would've been killed!

Armed gunmen from Hezbollah entered the Israeli part of Rajar, driving bikes and four wheelers. A squad of 4 close in on an Israeli pillbox located on the border between the 2 countries. With their primary objective of kidnapping Israeli soldiers, dead or alive, they opened fire on the pillbox, but to their astonishment - the pillbox was unmanned. They continued their assault as they moved further south towards the only road leading from Rajar to Israel. An Israeli roadblock was ahead. They opened heavy fire, but the roadblock was deserted as well.

An Israeli squad from the paratroopers division was hiding in a building located opposite the roadblock. An Israeli sharpshooter by the name of Moskovic, fired at Hezbollah's gunmen and took them down one by one with the help of his assistant who helped him spot the targets. Within 12 seconds, all 4 Hezbollah gunmen were dead before they could even spot their shooter.

As a result, Hezbollah failed to kidnap Israeli soldiers. Papers were calling Moskovic a hero. He later received a badge of courage and a week-long vacation.

Back to our artillery base...

All of our equipment was soaked with water. The hatches were apparently left open the night before and the pouring rain's done its work. Dry or soaking wet, it didn't matter to us - In just a few minutes after the attack, we were authorized to fire back!

Not much could be seen beyond the mist that covered the whole valley, but the sound of landing rockets could still be heard.

The press have arrived and settled up on a hill just above our base to capture all the action on camera.

We were ordered to fire 'Scarf' shells. A relatively new type of shells that's never been used by IDF, except in training. These are the only shells fired from our howitzers that leave a white tail of smoke and can be seen in the sky from a distance.

One of the fresh soldiers from in the other team has accidentally dropped the 40kg shell on his foot. An ambulance arrived and evacuated him.

Over 200 shells have been fired from our howitzers and still counting...

When we came back to the base yesterday, 2 teams were released home. Today, however, they were called back to the base and had to arrive next morning.

The day turned into night, the fighting resumed. Another battery from a different battalion had settled nearby and joined us in shelling Hezbollah targets.

Now the mist has come to visit us. We were unable to see beyond 10 feet, but that didn't limit our capabilities. We kept receiving firing coordinates and fired as fast and accurate as we could.

The radio was always active. Commanders received firing authorizations and reported whenever the howitzer was locked-on and ready to fire.

A different kind of message was then heard on the radio. "2A(our battery) from 1B (our battalion's center of operations), one is on its way to you"

Some of our soldiers looked at each other with confusion on their faces: "What? One what?"
The answer followed in the form of explosion not too far from our base.

Our battery commander ran out and shouted: "Get all the soldiers off the ramps!" Curious soldiers wanted to see the whereabouts of that explosion.

"I saw it, it landed a few hundred feet away from us. I saw the sparkles." said Andrew, a new commander of 1A. His team is located next to ours.

"If it hits the cannon then we're doomed. This shit can't protect us even from a 7.62 bullet of Kalashnikov, A shell would undoubtedly pierce it."

"Incoming!" Boom! This time I saw it. There was light and a slightly loud noise. The electricity went down.

"Everybody get inside the vehicles. Get ready to move. Cease fire. I repeat - Get ready to move. Cease fire!" Our battery commander wanted us to drive our howitzers to secondary positions.

For the first time, we really feared for our lives. Hezbollah were targeting our base and it could be a matter of time before they hit the target. I tried to calm my teammates down: "Don't worry. What are the odds of a direct hit on our howitzer?

Despite the artillery fire on our positions, ALPHA drivers had to run down to the bunker where their vehicles parked. ALPHA are special vehicles for carrying a large supply of shells and compulsion explosives.

Another Katyusha landed nearby. This time it landed next to our kitchen and dining room, next to the fence bordering the base.

Roey, a soldier from team 1B could no longer take it. He ran away to men's room and hid there until it was all over.

Mark is a big, 40 year old guy from the battalion who works in the army as a mechanic, repairing vehicles. Nobody ever messes with the guy and he's very respected. He was at our base on duty during the shelling. When they started firing on us, he got into shock. He just stood there outside, unable to react. Medics were called in and evacuated him.

Daniel: "I need the curtain. Where is it?" (A curtain is a night vision periscope for night driving)
"Check below the benches." "It isn't there." We searched the whole howitzer, unable to find it.

Despair and panic were growing stronger with every passing minute. Hezbollah kept firing non-stop.

We received a report that a Hezbollah gunman was sighted approaching an Israeli base on mount Dov. He opened fire on the soldiers, but was gunned down a moment later. There were possibly other gunmen with him who've managed to flee.

About 10 minutes later we arrived to our secondary positions, leaving vital equipment at the base without which, we weren't authorized to fire. But by the time we arrived to our secondary positions, Hezbollah stopped firing on Israel.

Luckily, our kit bags were in the ALPHAs. They contained sleeping bags and warm military clothes. We've spent the night quietly inside the cannons, despite the rain that managed to soak some of the interior parts of the howitzer, where we were lying down.

That night, the first snow covered the Syrian part of mount Hermon.

Shivering from cold weather, we woke up early on the following day. I could barely recall my night shift, listening to the radio ready to alert the battery if anything happens.

We were given combat meals for breakfast. Half an hour later, a few cameramen arrived to our positions. They were AFP, Reuters and Ha-Aretz, according to what they've told us.

Rotem joked with them: "We've done a good job here, so show us on TV would you?"

We haven't been shown on the news. What happened in Rajar was much more interesting and important. The whole event circled around their planned assault in Rajar.

An hour later we were back at the base. It looked intact. Everything gradually went back to normal again.

Team 2C howitzer with Eyal standing outside were on 2nd page of Yediot Aharonot, the most selling Israeli newspaper. The photo was obviously edited on Photoshop, they copy-pasted some of the shells outside, but the end result was a spectacular photo.

Our battery commander congratulated us for our good work, said we fired 415 shells (more than on any event with Hezbollah in a decade) and killed 5 gunmen along with another battery.

Most guys hurrayed when they heard that. Killing Hezbollah gunmen sounds like quite an achievement. I wasn't happy to hear those news though.

Ever since the moment we were first informed that we'd be serving a few months at the northern border and facing Hezbollah, I wished that we won't have to fire on Lebanon, that there'll be no casualties. When using Artillery, you never know what the results might be. It's not 100% accurate and neither are the coordinations that we're being given. I hope that no one was killed by shells fired from my team's howitzer, but I'll never know.

What about those 5 who were killed? Were they filled with extreme hatred towards Israel? Were they just doing their job for money to support their families? Either way they knew they were risking their lives... but wait, we were risking our lives too. They may think that they risk their lives for their country and we, Israeli soldiers, think we risk our lives for ours. In that case, who's wrong and who's right? Who deserves to live and whose death is justified?

I think most of us are good people, seeking justice, often blind to see the other side of the coin. Some of us blindly follow ideas that involve hatred or racism, others join "anti" movements in which some people "hate" haters or express sympathy towards the haters on the other side.

While we have different views, we all want the same thing - peace, harmony, justice. Obviously there is a dispute in defining justice in the middle east. Maybe the first thing that needs to be taught in schools throughout the world is that conflicts shall never be solved with violence, but strictly with diplomacy. It is sufficient for a war to break out if one of the sides thinks otherwise. In that case, don't let students who haven't learned that lesson ever become world leaders, or worse - dictators.

* * * * *
Post-firing works continued for a week. All the artillery waste had to be removed and sorted. It was a long, never ending work that makes you wish not to fire the howitzers ever again. Huge piles of different kinds of boxes, cylinders, plastic bags and unused explosives.

Hezbollah are expected to launch another attack, following their yesterday's failure to kill or kidnap soldiers. It will probably take them months of planning, as usual. By that time, we'll probably be replaced by a different battery.

The Lebanese media has reported Hezbollah accusing Israel of launching an attack on Lebanon and forcing Hezbollah to take countermeasures to defend south Lebanon. Hezbollah own a TV channel called Al Manar. Obviously they would never admit defeat. Instead, they'd lie to the Lebanese people and make up false stories. They've filmed their attack on Rajar and on a paratroopers base in Hula valley near Rajar (they hit an empty Merkava tank with a rocket there). It's clear that the attack has been planned by Hezbollah for months.

Hezbollah won't be satisfied until they successfully abduct/kill Israelis.

A few days later, an Israeli citizen was carried away by the wind straight to Lebanon after he glided off the Manra cliff (a resort near Kiryat-Shmona and the Lebanese border). When Hezbollah gunmen spotted him, they ran towards him and opened fire. Israeli citizens who've witnessed the incident have called up IDF and opened the border gate to allow him to come back to Israel. Soldiers arrived to the scene and covered his retreat. Fortunately, he sustained no injuries and returned safely to Israel. He thanked IDF for saving his life. We too were called up to provide artillery support in case needed. A few hours passed until everything cooled down.

What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

* * * * *

In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.

The city and the people of Hebron

29th July, 2004

I called Angel and she seemed okay. She told me about yesterday. Her friend Anna and Anna's mother had a fight, and Anna told her she was going to runaway from home, but eventually she didn't. Instead, she and her have mother reconciled. Why is Angel so sensitive about her friends? She worries and cries at somebody else's problems and she really had me worried last night. I always worry that something bad might happen to her while I'm away, that I wouldn't be able to prevent it. Thank God everything's fine.

I plan to fly to Germany in August, when we get a "regila" (a week-long vacation). Only during a regila I can fly abroad, according to the military laws. But now Angel had told me that her mother, who refused to let her daughter fly to Israel to meet me, plans to go to Italy with Angel and her brother.

My mom gave me the phone number of that high ranking officer she was telling me about. That officer told her that according to military laws, I have the right to fly abroad during a regila. But officers from my battalion say that since it's a combat unit, the rules are more strict when it comes to vacations.

I called the officer and he told me I should fill in a paper - a request to fly abroad, and I should send him a copy so he'd hasten things. My unit should notify me a few weeks in advance so I could order tickets for certain dates (hopefully there will be tickets available). It all seems so unlikely to succeed, but I'm gonna try my best to see her. I always tell her that nothing is unachievable. Distance is not an obstacle, not in our modern world.

I moved to Adora again today, with Yoav and Or. Or asked me to switch places with him so he could patrol with Yoav in the settlement and visit that girl's house, and I would have an AV (armored vehicle) patrol on a hummer. I've gladly accepted his offer, knowing that AV patrol is considered better and far more interesting, although it's 8 hours, while the foot patrol is only 4. Of course after 8 hours of patrol you get the 8 hours of rest in return... theoretically speaking.

Bedouins near Adora reported to us about vehicles with armed Palestinians coming to their village. Our officers want to ambush them, but since I switched with Or, I won't take part in it.
Gunshots are heard daily from Hidna and Tarkumiya.
The ambush was eventually canceled.

30th July, 2004

After 2 1/2 hours of sleep I woke up for a long 9 1/2 hour patrol. It was very tiresome. We entered Hebron and it's neighboring village of Beit-Kachil. We were accompanied by our lieutenant's jeep. That's the rule - you cannot enter Hebron with only one vehicle, due to safety and operational reasons.

Everyone in the streets was staring at us. It was as if the time had stopped. People stopped walking or buying goods at shops. Instead they looked at our vehicles with clear hostility. Some people ran away, some signaled us to go away, others were looking at us from house entrances.
We obviously were an unwanted guest in a hostile environment.

Hebron provided a wide variety of buildings. There were old brick houses, unfinished deserted villas and rich, beautifully constructed.. mansions! (well, not quite mansions, but houses with at least 10-15 rooms) People on the streets were as varied as their homes - poor, moderate and rich - or at least they were dressed like that. Garbage was everywhere on the streets. The northern entrance to the city of Hebron welcomed its visitors with large commercial ads, beautiful buildings both of western-style and far eastern-style. The clean road with grass and palms in the middle gave the city an honorable look.

What was the purpose of the patrol? Why did we have to announce our presence to the citizens of Hebron? What good does it do? I know it's fun and exciting to drive in the streets of Hebron and see things you would never see as an ordinary Israeli citizen, but what does it have to do with defending my country? The commanders call it "demonstrating attendance" (or whatever you'd translate it...) It means that we have to show them that we're here, there and everywhere so that they will think twice before committing a hostile act.

I do not think that those who commit those acts are driven by fear and would change their minds when they see soldiers on their streets. If anything, it would make them be more cautious and more motivated to carry out their plans.

* * * * *

After the patrol, we had to clean the house. In Adora, we have a big villa with 7-8 rooms and 3 floors. Since we didn't clean it on time, we had to do it again by 5pm. At 5:30 I went to bed to finally get some sleep before the patrol at 7pm. But no, I didn't get no sleep because at 5:40 there was a drill: A terrorist had infiltrated the settlement. We'd been running for 20 minutes all around the settlement in this incredible heat. After that, I had just enough time to have a shower and eat dinner.

* * * * *

During the AV patrol, my commander, Matan, asked the Russian driver* to slow down. At night, we circle around the village to see if any part of the fence is cut and the driver has to drive very slowly so we won't miss anything. But he kept saying that it makes him sleepy and that it is taking up too much time. Matan insisted that he drove slowly, so the driver had decided to payback by driving 5km/h on the road as well. It took as half an hour to reach Telem that was only 3km away. He thought that Matan would run out of patience, but he didn't. Man, that was so boring and stupid!

*(AV drivers are not a part of our battery. They usually cause a lot of problems, because they have no commander in charge of them so they feel independent to do whatever they want. ie. If they get 7 hours and 50 minutes of sleep, they refuse to work. Well, not everyone, but most of them are very problematic and give our commanders a real headache.

When we arrived to Telem, we could see several different weddings being celebrated in 2 Palestinian towns. Shots and fireworks were fired. Technically, it's considered illegal for them to possess weapons. IDF (my battery and other forces in the region) wanted to enter the towns and arrest everyone who has weapons on them, but eventually they didn't do it.

Matan told us how once, during one of his AV patrols in a different area (Beit Sira) they had to cross a road where a wedding ceremony was being held - there was a wedding parade of some kind. They tried to cross, but the Palestinians began throwing rocks at them, they stopped the vehicles, threw shock and tear gas grenades at the crowd and fired rubber bullets. The crowd dispersed and the wedding couple, was probably injured as well. Then Matan started laughing at his own story. Damn, how it made me angry!

He also told us how once a Russian AV driver threw a smoke grenade inside a Palestinian store after the store owner yelled at the soldiers. Then the owner picked up a big stone, threw at the driver and missed. The driver chased him down and shot his back with a rubber bullet.
Another story involved the same Russian driver and a Palestinian boy who fainted right after he was shot by the driver with a rubber bullet.

* * * * *

We entered Hebron again. Young boys smiled and waved as we passed by. Older boys stared at us with hatred. Other people gave us an anxious, unwelcoming look.