Making the right choice? Only time will tell

18th July, 2005

As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.

It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.

I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.

When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.

At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.

He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.

By the evening we were back to the base.

19th July, 2005

We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.

As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"

21st July, 2005

We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.

In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.

She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?

She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.

After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.

Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.

Break up for 1 month? And then what?!

16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!

Things will change, I'm sure of that.

It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!

I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.

I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.

22nd July, 2005

Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.

"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."

The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.

I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....

"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."

"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."

Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."

Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)

I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.

Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.

The Presentation

2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.

The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.

Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...
More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."
She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."

(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)

During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...

The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...

I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."

She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.

"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!

On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."

On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:

There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.

She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.

So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?

What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.

Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.

In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?

Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...

Am I dreaming? Rub your eyes again!

15th September, 2004

Angel came home from school this afternoon. We had 2 and a half hours before her mom came back from work. We spent most of it lying in her bed, kissing and holding each other with some romantic music playing in the background. I wish it could last forever!!! :)

We took a walk to the town to meet Shelly - Angel's very close friend who works there at Burger King. She introduced us to each other and then they talked in German most of the time. I just stood there, looking around, being all quiet and shy.
















After walking around the town center and visiting a few shops, we took a walk to the bridge that took us across the Danube river. The view was fantastic... We were all wet after the falling rain and we both felt cold.





























































We kept walking around town until we reached a quiet park. Although the benches were still a bit wet, we sat down and kissed. At that moment, I wished, AGAIN, that the time stopped... at least for a few years!

It was getting dark and cold when we walked back home. We put a pizza in the oven, brought ourselves big glasses of wine, lit a few candles in the dark and made ourselves a perfect romantic atmosphere. We sat on her bed and watched our common, favorite TV series together on the DVD, kissing each other in between.

It was getting late. We were tired and sleepy, but the TV series were still on. As we were lying in bed and holding each other, she pressed her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes. It felt so romantic! I'll never forget this wonderful, magical moment! Although it was time for her to go to bed since she had school the following day, it felt like nothing mattered to her anymore whenever I hold her in my arms! I'm not sure that it's how she really felt, but that's the way I felt it. :) She's amazing and I SWEAR I WANNA BE WITH HER FOREVER!!!!!!!! I thank God for this great week, for it was worth all the suffering that I've experienced in the army. Oh, I wish I could stay here in Germany... How can I leave her, even for 1 minute?! It's hard enough when she's in school! I love her soooooo much! I hope that no matter how hard it's gonna be, love won't eventually kill me. I cannot imagine my life without her.

Only if we manage to get used to chatting again we will be able to wait for each other again until the next time that we meet.

This is the morning of 16th. I'm alone again, thinking about her and writing all this. I'm very excited to be here, to live this dream and am definitely looking forward to spending time with her today. :)

Angel left me the keys to the apartment this time. Now I'll be able to walk around town while she's in school. I'm gonna spend this morning to buy her flowers and something else that I want to give her.....

In Good Hands

21st August, 2004

As usual, on Saturday you get a day off, but in my case it really didn't matter much - Here in Telem we patrol 3 hours at night and that's it. I slept a lot, and in the evening we played soccer until something happened...

Even though it's Saturday and we're not wearing our uniforms, we have our weapons and the radio with us all the time.

Or heard the emergency code-word that meant there was a terrorist activity somewhere in our region. We all ran to the house to get ready. The radio updated us with some details: It turns out, our battery commander's jeep was fired at. We had to patrol in the settlement until things calmed down. After 2 hours we were told it was false alarm - Gil (our battery commander) heard an explosion. He thought it a blown up tire, but when they checked the vehicle, they found a bullet-like bump, thinking that they might have been fired at... with 1 bullet? Eventually, it turned out to be an old bump and a false alarm.


22nd August, 2004

I called Lital. It appears that Dror shouldn't have handed the papers to the regiment commander. He has to sign when the documents are fully filled in and signed by all the required sources. He should have given it back to Lital and only after additional procedures, the major would sign it. She said she'd be back at the base this evening and that I should call her tomorrow.

23rd August, 2004

Or and Yair decided to do some charity work for the settlement - seal all the holes in the fence that surrounds Telem. We've been working for a few hours in this unbearable heat until we've finished it. I expected some kind of a reward after we're done... what was I thinking?!

I called Lital. She said that she's been assigned to work at the kitchen today but she'll give the papers to Dror. (Yes, sometimes desk-work soldiers have to work at the kitchen too, but only 1 person per day, whereas our battery has to send 3-4 each day. As a result, some of us end up being in the kitchen 2-3 times a week.)

Dror called me and I dictated him some details that should be added or fixed. He gave it back to Lital, who said that she will sign everyone involved and I'll know the results when I call her tomorrow.

Another incident happened today - a militant fired towards an Israeli vehicle while he was driving on the road connecting Telem, Adora, Hebron and Kiryat-Araba with Kiryat-Gat and the western part of Israel. A boy was injured in the incident, although he wasn't hit by a bullet. We had to stay alert and patrol additional 4 hours until things calmed down. The militant had managed to escape but his weapon was found, along with 5 bullet casings.

24th August, 2004

Lital asked me when exactly I have a regila. "On 13th, but also tomorrow with my team". She said I should call her tomorrow.

I called Angel after realizing that I may not be able to receive her messages since she's in Croatia. She said she didn't receive mine either. But all that matters is that she's alright and that she's having a great vacation. =)

25th August, 2004

Even though today was the day that I finally got home, it was a bad day.
I couldn't reach Lital. All the desk-work soldiers have been sent to a country club vacation.
Yair told me to come back on Friday (on 27th) for the weekend, because they're in need of more soldiers. Turns out I don't have 2 free weeks. I have my regular 5 days split in two (25-26) (29-31), without the weekend. We were released home at around 5pm. I got home at the end of the day at 8:30pm yet it counts as a day off. *sigh* But at least I'm home and will only stay 12 days in the army before flying to Germany!!!

27th August, 2004

Just 5 minutes after I arrived back to Telem, I was taken to the AV for a 3 hour patrol. That's called efficiency. Not once do they use us soldiers to our maximum capabilities. No, not once, but quite excessively.

No news from Lital. I still can't reach her. Yair told me that Gil, our battery commander, had signed the papers 2 days ago, that everything is fine. Let's hope so...

Yair is a good guy. He's our platoon commander. Never have I had a better platoon commander before. He's a very kind guy with a good sense of humor. He helps us whenever he can. He too has a girlfriend who's now in India on a trip. Maybe, in some way, he knows how I feel.

I cannot stop thinking about Angel. She's amazing! I know I haven't met her yet, I have never seen her in person, but that's what makes our relationship so special. In our 18 months of long distance relationship we've never had a single fight. With each passing day our bond was becoming ever more stronger.

I've never missed someone the way I miss Angel, filling the void with dreams of the two of us together. Thinking about all the beautiful places we'll visit, all the great things that we'll do together. These thoughts alone make me happy and content.

I don't care if nobody really gives a damn about me here in the army. I don't care how long I will have to endure this military-slavery, as long as there is one person in this world, one special person who cares about me more than this whole world altogether could ever care. I will devote my whole life to making this person happy, for there is no better happiness than the way she makes me feel everyday.

16 more days... and I will prove to her beyond all doubt that our dreams can become reality.