A rather boring month

12th January, 2005

After 3 (short) days at home, I'm back at the base. Our conditions have suddenly changed:

Instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home) it's going to be 11/3 with less soldiers to stay on weekends. That means that after each 8-9 hour roadblock each one of us has to guard 1.5-2 hours at the watchtower and that would leave us just about enough time to clean the base, eat dinner, take a shower and have some sleep.

No free time for reading books or watching DVDs.... yes, I've finally bought the DVD after scrubbing some more money from the battery. I bought a Vertex 312B for 500 NIS. Mahsanei Hashmal had only one remaining Vertex DVD for sale... the one that was on display! The guys didn't even agree to give me any discount, not even when I told them that it's being bought by soldiers' money and that the DVD is for the army.

I was really disappointed with that store, especially when we've discovered some malfunctioning.

Nevertheless, the DVD proved to be a success in the long term! Many soldiers watched movies and TV series after coming back from their guarding duties.

26th January, 2005

I was sent to the marksmen course in the Negev, back at the base where I had my basic training over a year ago.

I got sick 2 days ago and thought of going to the city officer (the one that gives soldiers the permission to stay at home if their problems are serious enough... or if they're good liars), but then I decided against it. As much as I wanted to miss the marksmen course, they've been planning on sending me here for over 2 months and I didn't want to disappoint them this way, even though I reaaaaaalllly hate this weapon!

When I arrived at the central station in Beer Sheva, I entered an electronics store to buy myself earphones for my mp3 cd player. That's where I met Vitaly. He was buying a beret in that shop.

He was my teammate when we were still in basic training. He used to be a pretty good marksman - he had this exact weapon and he's like never missed a targed. After passing the commanders course, he was assigned to be a shooting tutor back at the training base. I couldn't believe it, but my teammate was about to teach me how to become a marksman!

I can't believe I was given 500 bullets back in Qalqiliya to carry with me to the training base. It's a damn training base! They ought to have enough bullets, don't they? It smells like bureaucracy to me.

The training was only 1 week. We had a lot of time spent at the shooting range. There was another guy from B battery who was sent here to do the course. Only he was a young March '04 soldier. His name is Dor. He's a good, normal guy, unlike most of his 'zoo' battery.

We weren't only 2 soldiers in this course. We did it together with the rookies who've just joined the army - soldiers of Nov '04.

I expected to be treated with respect, but that wasn't the case. Above Vitaly and the other tutors stood a female officer of my age. She was July '03, I was August '03, yet she told me to do whatever all the rookies did - stand in formation, repeat the orders and so on. Yes, it was humiliating!

Lying down in the sand while shooting made us look as dirty and untidy as all the rookies.

There was one female rookie who started crying when she's missed her target. Poor girl, she shouldn't take it too seriously.

When we had to return to the base for lunch, 2 soldiers had to stay and guard all the eqipment. Nov '04 rookies demanded that either me or Dor stayed this time. There were 18 of them and only 2 of us. I'm sure not all of them had to volunteer and stay to guard.

But it was not my decision. Ehud was another tutor of ours. He was from March '02. He told us one of us should stay. "It's either you or him." Dor volunteered to stay, since he was a younger soldier than me. I was really angry at the decision! When I was a rookie, things were so much different...

We had a literal exam on the last day. I got 98 out of 100 and 86 was my final mark. In order to pass the course, you needed at least 70. Dor got 69, but they gave him a certificate anyway.

Taking a bus back to Beer Sheva wasn't an easy thing to do. There were like 80 soldiers waiting at the station. One bus came but didn't even stop as it was already full. Why did it bother coming here if he didn't even stop?

Another bus came. This time it was nearly empty. Everyone started pushing each other like animals, eager to get on that bus. All the desk-workers didn't have any heavy bags to put in the trunk so they were the first to occupy the seats.

It's usually the desk-workers who get first on the bus. The combat soldiers and whoever stays a long time at the base would sometimes have to wait for the next bus and hope to get on it for a change.

It was almost my turn to get on when I suddenly noticed that my beret was gone, thanks to all the pushing. I gave up my place in the queue and started looking for the beret, then I saw it stuck between two people who were on the bus. They didn't even notice that there's a beret between their bodies. I tried to get on the bus through the back door, but the bus was already full. The door closed right in front of me. It hit a soldier's leg and his magazine fell out of the weapon. The door reopened, but there wasn't a single millimeter where I could stand. I picked the magazine and gave it to him before the door closed again. The bus left and I had to wait for another one.

I tried to call Avi - he's one of the tutors who managed to get on the bus. He couldn't help me. He was on the other side of the bus and the bus was loaded with people. Shouting didn't help.

I got this beret from a 34km journey that marked the ending of basic training. Too bad I'd lost it so foolishly. Now I'll have to buy myself one. I remembered Vitaly buying a beret when I met him at the central station. I'll have to buy it, because if I get caught by the military police, I'll be punished.

An hour later there was another bus heading for Beer Sheva.

My commander had asked me to call him when I finish the course. He told me I'm heading to the home base in the Golan again for another week of guarding. I had to visit our base near Qalqiliya to pick my things before leaving for the Golan. At first I was in the center, then I was sent south and now I'm gonna head north.

When I visited the base, I asked if someone could borrow me a normal beret that I could use. (berets that you buy in shops are too embarrassing to wear. you need to shave them and wash them a lot to make the look normal.)

Michael, my officer, gave me his own and asked me to take a good care of it, because he received this beret from his commander as a sign of excellence after the last, 34km-long journey.

I said: "Don't worry, I had mine from basic training and I've never lost it." "but now you DID lose it." Yeah. I guess he's right. I love Michael for his good sense of humor and his positive attitude. He's really a great guy!

6th February, 2005

It's Sunday. Desk-workers came back from home.

10:40am - my cellphone wakes me up.
12:30pm - I go to the dining room for lunch.
01:00pm - Uh oh! No cellphone!

It was nowhere to be found. There were no doubts that it was stolen.

I suspect Kobi. He's a guy from B battery. I know him from basic training. He's the criminal type... stealing things, hitting people. The funniest thing about him is that he pretends to be friendly.

He once told us that one of his parents is in jail, that he used to take drugs...

He was in his room during lunch. I remember how he warned me & the others to keep our room and bags locked at all times because he doesn't trust the desk-workers who reside with us.

Ron, a new guy from my battery decided to help me. He decided to search Kobi's bags when he wasn't around. Then he and I unlocked 2 rooms of desk-workers and took a look around. I decided not to search their bags though.

I told the commander about the theft and about Kobi being a suspect. I asked him not to let Kobi know about it, but he told him anyway. I later found out that Kobi was trying to help me by searching for my cellphone, but then he stopped when he found out I was suspecting him. But maybe that was just another lie, to make him look less of a suspect.

Ariel, our regiment's discipline commander wanted to call a special interrogation agency that deals with theft and criminal offenses in the army, but they told him they don't deal with cases like that in which the stolen property is less than 5,000 NIS worth.

The cellphone was never found. It was kind of old anyway - A Samsung 624. It had a partially broken display. The thing is it wasn't insured and my mom still had to pay 700 NIS for it.

* * * * *

The bunker is a large field, surrounded by fence. There are trenches with ammunition all around it. It's perfectly fine to guard over there during daylight, but as the night falls, it becomes a perfect spot to shoot a horror movie.

Foxes walk around, their eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Their howls send a chill down your spine. There is absolutely no light, so you can't see anything unless you bring a flashlight with you. You can only hear strange noises, some movement around you, but you can't see what it is. You're all alone and everybody eslse is asleep.

Soldiers don't dare going to the bunker at nights, especially when you have guard there alone. One visit there was enough for me to decide, once and for all, to never go over there again.

Monday night... Instead of guarding at the bunker, people go to some empty room to sleep, hoping they wouldn't get caught, that no one would visit the bunker at night.

I went to C battery's barracks. They're the closest to the bunker. It's a U-shaped corridor of 12 rooms, most of them are locked.

I entered the 4th room on the left side of the corridor. There's light, there are 4 double beds to sit on. I put the weapon aside, put my vest on the floor and take out Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" from the pouch inside the vest.

I sit there and read Da Vinci's code, letting my guarding time pass by. I sit by the window. It's slightly open so I could hear if anyone's coming. The door is closed.

Suddenly, I hear some talking... footsteps... it gets closer! Someone's in the corridor! 2 guys.

I sit quietly, trying not to move at all. The room is empty and so every move makes a lot of noise.

I can hear them twisting the handle of one of the doors in the corridor. They're going from the right side. Locked. Locked. Locked. Another one locked... I go for the weapon, helplessly trying to wear the vest before they catch me here.

I see the door handle move. That's it! The guy twists the handle, but the door won't open!!! He keeps trying over and over again. My heart beats like never before! Then he leaves the handle and moves on to the next door.

Within a minute they were gone. Phew! Even then, I kept standing there for a couple of minutes, not capable of comprehending what had just happened.

A few minutes later, I opened the door and realized why the door didn't open: there was no handle on the other side of the door! There was only a metallic cylinder showing out. When I entered this room, the door was already open. I closed it from inside, when there's a handle, but no one could open it from outside. Phew! That was lucky!

After about an hour, I saw a car passing near the barracks. It could've been on its way to the bunker. What if they're looking for me?

I decided to go to the bunker to see if the car headed that way. As I approached the entrance gate, I saw a heavy cloud of dense mist, blocking my sight. I couldn't even see the bushes a feet away, it was crazy! I might not find my way back to the base. I changed my mind and went back to the barracks.

I still remember how once a fox chased me out of the bunker's watchtower. It was protecting its baby-foxes who were kept warm inside the watchtower. I could still hear its howl, getting louder with ever moment, giving me goosebumps. I could not see it, but I could hear it coming closer, howling louder.

People say that Guy Hever, a soldier who mysteriously disappeared and had never been found since, was guarding at this exact bunker the day he disappeared back in 1997.

10th February, 2005

It's thursday morning. I finished guarding and got dressed, ready to go home. Something's missing..... oh, no! Not the beret again! The beret?! It can't be! I've hid it deep inside my bag. I've looked for it everywhere, but I couldn't find it.

I had to borrow a beret again from a guy who came here to replace me. Michael wasn't happy to know I'd lost his, yet he kept smiling. I really felt bad about it. He found himself a different one and I later found myself one as well. Still, I couldn't help feeling really bad about it.

The real meaning of trust

17th November, 2004

We woke up at 6am, packed everything and left for Qalqiliya.

It was a long and rainy day. There were a lot of things to unpack. Even when the whole battery's working together, it still takes hours. There's so much work, no wonder nobody likes moving.

Me and some others were assigned for the first shift at the roadblock. The roadblock was in fact miles away from the base, located on the 5th road - between Ariel and Tel Aviv.

A safari vehicle would take us there every shift. The thing is - a shift is 12 hours long! The drivers claim they have a lot of driving to do for other batteries and companies in this area in various hours, so switching teams every 8 hours would be impossible.

It was my first 12 hour roadblock, which I hoped would also be my last one. From 7pm until 8am, freezing cold under the heavy rain, we were standing there and checking vehicles, trying to stay awake. Lightning would occasionally light the cloudy sky and the sound of thunder would follow, pouring rain down on us.

What made things a bit easier for us was the AV patrol vechile. 6 out of 12 hours we took 2 shifts - driving around in the AV and hiding from the rain.

It was tough. After 27 hours without sleep, I'm sitting here and writing this entry. Soon enough, after we eat lunch, I will finally get myself some sleep. Frankly, I had 2-3 hours of sleep in the AV. I think we all did.

21st November, 2004

Apparently, that was the only 12 hour roadblock. Our battery commander took care of us and changed the driving shifts to 8 hours. Phew! Now the AV patrol is a separate mission.

During the last few days, ever since Ravit is present in the battery, I noticed sudden changes in my behavior. I try to act cool, be serious, work harder and be more careful when she might be around. Sometimes I notice how she looks at me, but she's like... one of our commanders!

There is a female AV driver that I'd see occasionally. The AV would stop by at the roadblock from time to time. I seem to act differently around her as well. :-\

I guess I want to be liked or even loved by girls that I like or care about. Angel couldn't show her love to me. Alisa, my x-girlfriend back when I was 14 years old, couldn't show her love to me... then I cheated on her by kissing another girl who could! But I know that I'll never do such a mistake anymore. I'll never cheat again!

23rd November, 2004

My mom came to our base and took me and 3 other guys to Tel Aviv. Finally home after... 25 days! (excluding the "after")

I watched the movie "Incredibles" in the cinema with my friend.

I had a webcam chat with Angel. That's where I could see the big difference between her real appearance and her virtual one. She'd smile and seem happy in her messages, but her face would conceal any emotions. She looked somewhat anxious and distinctly serious. Once in a while, though, she'd smile... and it was so divine! :)

Angel told me there's been some Egyptian guy chatting with her. She said that he really scared her in their last conversation. She gave me their chatlog...

He told her he loves her, even though he barely knows her. He said that I, as an Israeli, am trying to hurt her, the way Israeli soldiers hurt and kill Palestinian women and children. That since she's German, and Germans were once Nazis, Israelis want vengeance.

Her replies to him showed me how much she trusts and loves me. But when it came to politics, she didn't take any sides at all.

She said she'd never even suspected any of it, that she knows me well and that no one will ever make us break up.

1st December, 2004

I'm in my home base again. This time my whole team's here. We're here to guard, at least until the 6th, when another team will arrive for some artillery training. Each team is going to have 2 artillery exercises and a "regila" (a weeklong vacation). My team and the 3rd team from my platoon are going to be first in this.

As artillery soldiers, each one of us is assigned to a specific task. Each task has its number.

For example, #1 is the commander. He receives calculated coordinates and makes sure his team fires fast and accurately. He's also financially responsible for all the equipment of his howitzer and the howitzer himself. (There's a whole lot of equipment involved and commanders often end up paying for it as something always gets lost. Some commanders and teammates resort to stealing equipment from other batteries to make sure they won't be the ones to pay. That's why we guard our howitzers day and night just to make sure soldiers from B battery don't try to steal anything. A year later, one commander from B battery would be caught red-handed and tried along with 2 other soldiers.)

Today I was told I'd be the team's navigator, #2. In order to be a navigator, you have to finish a 2-day course, but my new officer, Michael, decided to teach me everything by himself. He was a navigator too, back when he was a regular soldier.

The navigator is responsible for accuracy. Once he receives coordinates, they appear on a radar-monitor in front of him. He uses a joystick to steer up/down/left/right and has to get on target within seconds. The commander can see on his own monitor whether the navigator is "on target" or not.

A few years ago, one guy from B battery confused the numbers and turned the cannon around by almost 180 degrees. The commander didn't bother to check if he was on target, he ordered to fire and as a result they nearly hit an Israeli town in the Golan Heights. This story has become a legend in the artillery corps.

4th December, 2004

Within the last 3 weeks I've come to know Michael better. He's a great guy, he treats the soldiers well and he's a pretty good officer. He's a handsome guy and not once girls happened to ask us: "who's that cute, fine-looking officer over there?"

This is the last night of guarding duties at this base. I'll be guarding at the entrance gates from 2 to 6am. It's really boring over there. You don't see any cars at these hours.

There's light inside the cabin. I'd better bring the book that I'm currently reading - it's Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". Who's gonna come and visit me at night? Nobody ever does.

The risks for getting caught are pretty low. Besides, I can't wait to see what happens next in this book and the time is gonna pass by real fast if I bring it with me.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to lose Michael's trust. You wouldn't want to lose your officer's trust and find yourself being punished for every little thing as opposed to being forgiven for making mistakes. While others learn from their mistakes by trying not to get caught, I learn from mine by not committing them again in the future. That's why I don't think I should be punished, especially if I didn't commit them on purpose.

But this one is on purpose... isn't it?

As always, before starting a guarding duty, you have to ask a commander or an officer to present while you unload the gun. It doesn't mean the gun's loaded, it's just a safety measure. Too many accidents have happened in the past.

I unloaded the gun in Michael's presence. He asked me if I filled the flasks with hot tea. (It gets really cold here at nights) I said: "No. I don't wanna. It's ok."

When I was guarding, reading the book was a bit frightening. It described a tomb with skeletons when suddenly I heard some noises from outside the cabin. I stood up and looked out the window - it was just a couple of dogs crawling under the fence.

"I have to be more careful."

I'd been looking out the window once in a while to see if anyone's coming. To do that, I had to sit with my back facing the gates.

4:30am, I see some movement to my right. It was Michael!!! He was heading towards the cabin. I only had a few second to hide the book! But there was nowhere to hide it! He might've seen it already! I decided to get out of the cabin and meet him outside, before he could see the book.

As I went out of the cabin to meet him, I tried to act as calm as I could. "I brought you some tea". Drawing his attention didn't work. He entered the cabin and checked the radio. He said he tried to contact me by radio. Apparently the battery was dead in my radio. Darn!

I tried to stay calm and accept the consequences. Then he said: "You're not supposed to read during the shift, but if you do, at least face the gate."

Is that a joke?! I only said "OK". He left.

The tea was barely warm.

He caught me. I was aware of the risk. A punishment is certainly justified. The only question I have now is "How severe is my punishment going to be?" 1 day? 2-3 days of my home vacation? The worst thing is, you usually don't know that until the very last day. Maybe it's because they don't want you to feel rebellious and try to do something about it.

Commanders are aware that soldiers don't really guard the way they should be. They were soldiers once too and did the same thing. Some would fall asleep, some would talk on the cellphone, some would play on GameBoy Advance - it was as clear as the sky on a sunny day - soldiers violate their guarding duties - you have to do something to preserve your sanity. If you stand in once place for 4 hours over and over and over again, you or your friend would soon notice that you start acting weird. So commanders know it and there's a virtual agreement between soldiers and their commanders: "we know that you do it, just try not to get caught."

Michael tried to contact me before coming. I'm sure he didn't come there to punish me, but as an officer he's obliged to report my violation and give me a punishment. I'm not gonna hate him for that.

Many soldiers hate their commanders and officers for punishing them for all kinds of violations. Not all punishments are justified, or at least not everybody agrees on their relevance, but in the end there are always a few rebellious soldiers who lose their trust in our battery's authority.

6th December, 2004

On my way to my room I saw a book "Angels & Demons" lying at the entrance to Ravit's room. She reads the same book as me!

She asked me to help her carry something. Should I start a conversation about the book? No... Why not? It could be a great subject for discussion. What for? You've got a girlfriend. I didn't talk.

Maybe I'm afraid to fall in love with someone else. That is possible, right? Ravit is very attractive. Everyday that she's in the battery I seem to like her more and more. This makes it hard for me to come over and talk to her.

I might never know what I'm missing... Yet I've made my choice - I can't risk losing Angel. I can't risk breaking her heart.

8th December, 2004

The training was annoying. It was cold, wet and muddy. It didn't take me that long to realize how lucky I was to be standing inside the howitzer and navigating rather than being outside in the mud, carrying shells.

















We ordered a pizza in the evening. We could no longer stand those horrible combat meals which consisted of cans of tuna, canned beef and other vomit-encouraging types of food. Before the army, I liked eating tuna fish, but now I can't even bear its smell.

9th December, 2004

After each training, there's a maintenance day at the end of the week. A lot of machinery work. Dirty work. Everybody hates it!

The 2nd training was cancelled. We were lucky to go home on Thursday as we finished all the work exactly on time before the last bus to Hatzor (a central bus station in the north east).

I wasn't punished by Michael. At least not yet. I wonder if he let it go. If it's so then I owe him a lot.

My first days in the territories

I'd like to write a chapter which was not documented in my diary. (since I started writing it only in June 2004)

Even though I did not document it, I remember everything as if it was only yesterday...

When I was still in the mid stages of Basic Training, Eitan, one of my teammates told us he'd found out what is planned for us in Advanced Training - apart from a month-long artillery exercise, we'll be sent to Shaked. It's a sector located close to Jenin - One of the least peaceful places in the West Bank.

He was excited, eager for some action and I was troubled, hoping that he was wrong.

What's it like out there? How safe is it? What if I get shot? Will I actually be able to shoot and kill someone in defense?? I wouldn't want to find out in the last minute that I'm not capable of pulling the trigger.

At first I didn't believe Eitan, thinking that it's unlikely considering our lack of experience, but when we reached Advanced Training a couple of months later, turned out he was right...

7th January, 2004

After a few days of combat training we were taken to Shaked. We crossed the roadblock of Baka Al Gharabiya, where the wall is already finished and proceeded to a settlement called Mavo Dotan. Under heavy rain, we all gathered inside an abandoned warehouse where we'd been briefed.

Our "C" battery commander during Advanced Training was Nitzani. For some reason, I used to admire him. He looked like he deserve some respect.

I remember sitting in his office during acquaintance, telling him about myself, about Angel and my intentions to fly to Germany after I'll be 1 year in the army. He told me it's highly unlikely... that he himself had barely succeeded at visiting France, considering the fact that he's first lieutenant in rank and thus is more privileged than me.

Thank God he was wrong! =)

His briefing in the warehouse will be remembered for many years by everyone who attended it. It was something like this:
"You are gathered here to take part in a very dangerous and important mission....." "....It's going to be very hard for all of you. You will guard day and night. You mustn't dare to fall asleep, BUT I know that you WILL FALL ASLEEP! And when you wake up and find your friend lying dead, it will all be your responsibility!"

After the briefing everyone was like: "What was that all about?"

The first platoon remained in Mavo Dotan. The second platoon was taken to a nearby settlement called Hermesh (Scythe, in Hebrew). I was in the 2nd platoon.

A middle-sized hall in the centre of the settlement became our barracks. The settlement's "mayor" had given us a tour around the place.

He showed us the place where a Palestinian gunman had infiltrated the settlement a bit over a year ago and killed three people. There's a guarding post there now, code-named "Blue". Back then it was just a fence.

The terrorist had cut the fence and entered the settlement. He approached the houses and saw two 14 year old girls sitting on the porch (Linoi Sarusi and Hadas Turjeman). He shot and killed them both. Then he entered one of the opposite houses and shot the couple that was inside. The wife, Orna was killed. The husband was injured.

At that moment, soldiers arrived at the place and killed the gunman. It was too late, however, as the damage had already been done.

There's a monument at the entrance to Hermesh that commemorates the lives of Orna, Linoi and Hadas.

Gray clouds and endless rain had provided us with a depressing atmosphere in the days to come.

* * * * *

The conditions in Hermesh were awful. We were so few that we had to replace each other - guard 4 hours, rest 4 hours and then guard 4 hours again. But we didn't really rest 4 hours... Since it was part of Advanced Training, we had combat exercises, study and sports during those "free" hours.

We only had a few hours of sleep what made guarding at night even harder for us, despite the hot tea we took with us.

One of the guarding posts was located on top of an abandoned villa that was built by a very rich and somewhat famous artist whose name I never cared to memorize. There was a tent erected on the roof of the unfinished building. My officer brought some advanced night vision equipment up there.

The tent apparently wasn't stable enough considering the windy and rainy weather of January. We'd be awaken at night several times just to go and help reinforce the tent.

After a few days I started having hallucinations. I was guarding at "Blue" and whenever I was looking down at the rocks, I would see large human skulls instead of rocks. It was creepy.

I'd never fallen asleep on duty before, having a relatively good discipline and control of myself. I wouldn't want to compromise my home vacation, especially in a place like this. Yet it seemed that I've dozed off, because when I looked at the clock a few minutes later, I found out that 2 hours have passed unnoticed.

The terrible weather, the limited food and the lack of sleep were probably the main reasons that I got sick and had a high temperature.

It didn't help me get out of this place, though. Whether it was my fault for not complaining enough, or maybe many others were sick as well. We didn't have enough manpower. I just prayed to be the next in line to be released home.

5-6 soldiers from our platoon were released home in the beginning of the week and on the weekend. It was absolutely random. I could see the tall building of Tel Aviv from the rooftop of the abandoned villa. They seemed to be just beyond the hill. Tel Aviv had never looked like paradise the way it did back then...

I wasn't on the list when the first 5-6 soldiers were released home on the first weekend. I hoped I'd be released on Sunday then...

Apart from settlement guarding, there's also an escorting jeep. The cititens of Mavo Dotan and Hermesh cannot leave the settlement without a military escort. If they plan to leave, they have to call the jeep, like they would a taxi and ask for an escort. Sometimes they'd have to wait 5-10 minutes at the entrance gate. Upset by the poor services of the army, some would drive away without an escort on their own risk. (2 people were attacked on the road and killed in 2004 and 2005. 1 from Mavo Dotan, the other from Hermesh) I've had the luck of being assigned on the jeep for one time. Why luck? Because it's 8 hours of jeep patrols and 8 hours of rest. During our night patrol, we stopped at the Shaked settlement and my officer went out and talked with some settler at the entrance gate. The settler was criticizing the army for not doing enough for the settlers, for being too easy on Palestinians.

Not only that we're here, risking our lives and wasting our time to protect them, but they also dare to tell us that we're not doing good enough?!

* * * * *

In one of the mornings, our commanders woke everyone up. I wasn't asleep as I just returned from a guarding duty. It was our lieutenant, 2nd in place after Nitzani. 2nd's in place are usually responsible for battery's safety. He came to talk to us about a violation of rules, about playing with weapons. "Who's the idiot this time and what has he done?" someone mumbled.

The officer spoke: "This morning, your battery commander had committed a serious violation!" (WHAT?!?!?!) "...He loaded his weapon and aimed at his driver. Such behavior cannot be tolerated. He is on his way to be tried... As of now, I am your battery's commander, at least temporarily." Everyone was shocked!

The story was in the newspapers a few days later. Here's how it happened:
Nitzani used to talk about the suffering of Palestinians with his jeep squad. Their replies to his leftist views were somewhat disrespectful. One time he saw a couple of Palestinian kids doing something on a big pile of garbage. He later said something like: "Did you see those poor kids. Imagine how hard it is for them to live like this." the driver replied something which made Nitzani lose control. He loaded his weapon and aimed at the driver for a couple of seconds, then he got a grip of himself, went out and unloaded the gun. He said he was sorry, but the driver felt the need to tell the others about the incident.

Nitzani was tried, had his rank lowered/delayed and was reassigned to a training base in the Negev.

* * * * *

There was a club in Hermesh. There were a few old computers, a billiard table that was always occupied and among few other things there was a PS2 stand!

Me and my friend Sharon figured it could be a great way to spend our free time in this place and perhaps get our motivation back. But things weren't that simple...

This club belonged to the settlement. There were kids who were at the club all day long during its operating hours. The club owner would give some kids the keys so they could be the first to occupy the billiard table and the PS2.

Asking nicely didn't help us either. "Can you let us play after you finish?" "No." "Look, you can come here anytime you like, but we have to guard in an hour." "I don't care." "Don't you have any sympathy for soldiers who are here to protect you and your family 24/7?" "There were soldiers before you and there will be soldiers after you, so it doesn't matter."

The other day we've managed to find the PS2 unoccupied, but I had to guard in 20 minutes. Sharon showed me a game he brought with him (he was released home on the weekend). It was Final Fantasy X. When he showed me that game, in less than 20 minutes he'd convinced me to get myself a PS2... Well, a year and a half later.

The following day, we came to the club with the guys the moment it opened. We asked for the PS2, but the boy said: "Look, we - the town's citizens are a priority here in this club. I can do here whatever I want." Well, he's right, but that's just rude.
"I will leave tomorrow for 2 weeks, then you can play all you like."

The next day when I finished guarding, I thought I'd have around 3 free hours on that PS2 to finally relax and enjoy the time in this cursed settlement. It was just about half an hour before the club opened when the alarm sounded.

We were all called back to the barracks and told that there are 2 gunmen on their way here! The officer gave us orders. We were all spread around the settlement, each given a certain sector to patrol in. After a while it started raining.

Our new battery commander came and started firing lighting shells into the sky. Helicopters were circling around.

A couple of hours later, we were relieved, but then I had to guard again!

Like always, a few hours later we knew all the details of what had happened - two Palestinian gunmen were on their way here but they fled back to their villages and dropped their AK47s when they saw the flare and the helicopters in the sky. Someone from the village had warned the Israeli intelligence of their plans. They were later caught by IDF.

Other events involved a gunman shooting at the "mayor" of Sa-Nur settlement and shooting at our commander's AV jeep. No one was injured and the gunmen have managed to escape.

When Sunday came, it turned out I wasn't on the list either. Okay! Then I was definitely going to be released on Thursday, right?! Wrong!

My officer came to me and told me I was going to guard at our home base in the Golan Heights for a few days. I'd be released home from there, he promised. I was happy! I was finally getting out of this place! At least for a while... Nobody knew how long we'd be staying here.

I was replacing one of my team mates at the base. When I called him on the phone he said I should get myself some books on my way there, because it gets really boring - you guard 4 hours and rest 8 hours, 4/8. There are no commanders to tell us to clean, study or train.

So I bought a book. It was Michael Crichton's Timeline. Before that, I wasn't much of a reader, but from that moment on everything's changed. I was reading at every possible moment, trying to spend time more efficiently. I've never been so addicted to reading a book before. It really surprised me!

Getting home on Sunday was the main thing on my mind. It's been 14 days and everybody's been released home in one day or another, except me. But this time it was Hezbollah who stole my vacation! A few katyushas landed in the northern border, fired by Hezbollah had triggered a sudden change of plans. The battery was replaced by other forces in the Shaked sector and we were called up to assist in the northern border.

While my whole battery was moving everything from one place to another, I was guarding at the home base, hoping it would all be back to normal as soon as possible. After 2 days it was... Since we've already been replace in Shaked, we were reassigned to... Maccabim. They packed and moved everything again while I was enjoying my 8 hours of rest every day and night.

Finally, after 18 days, half of which were a real nightmare, I was replaced and released home. When I got back from home to our new base in Maccabim, I found out that my team's been released as well. That means that they were home for the second time, that they simply skipped my previous vacation.

Asking for an extra vacation at home was futile. My commander kept saying: "The army doesn't owe you anything!"

At least I'm glad that the nightmare of Hermesh is now over. I don't know how we'd have survived a few more weeks out there. People started to go crazy! I sure hope that we won't have to get back there again.

Rule #1 - Nothing is certain

29th October, 2004

I've finally managed to chat with Angel today. She's so great! :) My mom made a framed picture of me and Angel together. When I look at it, I see over and over again how great we look together. Undoubtedly, she's the one for me! I can't imagine how great will be our meeting in April!

1st November, 2004

It's been decided that most of our battery won't go home on the following weekend. Instead, we'll be assigned to various places around Hebron with the main objective of protecting Rachel's tomb during Jewish prayers.

I was in the kitchen the whole day today. It was the worst day at the kitchen that I've ever had! The whole battalion is here at the base with us (At the Golan Heights) and there is so much cleaning to do. I thought I wouldn't survive this day, but then came Shlomi and volunteered to help us. He worked so fast and cheered us all up the way he always does.

Shlomi is a great guy. He's funny and he always volunteers to help everyone. Sometimes commanders try to talk him out of it, telling him the juniors can manage it all by themselves, but he insists on helping everyone anyway.

This morning, the cook didn't let our whole battery enter the dining room, because our commanders didn't bring any junior soldiers from our battery to work in the kitchen. There's a lot of bureaucracy going on in the battalion and this is just a basic example.

2nd November, 2004

The same thing happened this morning, and even after our commanders selected a few soldiers and sent them in, the cook still didn't let us in because they were late!

This evening we had a trivia in one of the study rooms. Each team had to have 1 volunteer to participate in the trivia. I was chosen to represent my team.

The rules were simple: each round we were asked a few true/false questions, the one who made the most mistakes was kicked out of the game. If there's a draw, the audience votes who should be gone.

I'm always nervous when I have to face a large audience, when everyone's attention is directed straight at me. I was afraid to embarass myself by not knowing a simple question...

The first round was pretty easy one and I answered all the questions correctly.

On the 2nd round I was asked a really stupid, a trivial question which made everyone laugh, even the host of the game. I'd have laughed as well, had I understood the question correctly.

I heard something like that: "Using the military coded (radio) language does "Gibush K..." mean Gurei Klavim (Puppy Dogs)". As everyone laughed and the answer seemed obvious to everyone but me, people started shouting "yes! yes!" Were they being cynical or just stating the obvious, I couldn't tell.

Instead of asking the host to repeat the question, being too nervous to think straight I answered: "yes". Suddenly, everyone burst into a loud laughter. The commanders, the officers, all the soldiers - everybody laughed at my answer! I felt like it was just a terrible nightmare, hoping it would end soon.

Then everyone voted for kicking me out of the game. Matan asked me to come to him. He sat in front of the whole crowd along with all the other commanders. When I approached him, he gave me a slap in the back of my neck as a sign for stupidity. That was the peak of my embarassment. I felt like everybody kept looking at me and laughing.

I hoped it would be quickly forgotten and so I tried to keep my mood up, but after the game was over, whoever talked to me that day had asked me: "what's wrong with you?" "how could you answer that?" "Puppy dogs?! Hahaha!!". If that keeps up, tomorrow the whole battalion will hear about it or even worse.

Huh? Is it really that funny?! Nope. Luckily, everyone forgot about it within a few days.

One of the guys later told me what the real question was. Then I realized how awfully simple it was! Of course I knew the answer. I just didn't hear the question properly. Doesn't matter anymore.

I was told this morning that 2 teams including my team will go home this weekend, but Matan said that 2 soldiers from our team will have to stay and guard at a northern base, where our artillery pieces are being kept in case of emergency.

All but 3 soldiers on my team have already been there in the last few weeks. I was one of those 3. Ronen volunteered to stay so it was now either me or Nitzan. One of us will go home, the other will stay the weekend to guard the artillery equipment.

I want to use this weekend to finally visit my dad. I haven't seen him in months. I also want to see an old friend of mine from school, he's finally released home at the same time that I'm abotu to... But I'm not the only one who has plans. Nitzan wants to get home as badly as I do. He wants to attend his friend's birthday party. "You can see your dad the next time you get home, but I don't wanna miss my friend's birthday party". He has a point.

At first we wanted to flip a coin... but then I decided to give it up and let him go home. I didn't want to go home knowing that I've taken someone else's place and caused his disappointment and frustration.

If I stay, I'll be the last one on the list the next time someone will have to stay. Besides, new junior soldiers are about to finish their advanced training and join our battery. Juniors are always the first on the list.

So I'll stay the weekend and then next week's supposed to be an easy one for us - 3 days of educational trip, a day of organizing things and then home.

3rd November, 2004

I found out that whoever guards at the northern base, is supposed to stay there for the whole week, so I'll miss the trip... but it's okay, really - things here aren't so bad after all - we guard here for 3 hours and rest for 6. There are no commanders and we're free from any kind of tasks, including room cleaning or kitchen work. We're just 3 soldiers in the middle of a tiny base that belongs to Anti-Aircraft corps. Our artillery is temporarily stored here and all we have to do here is make sure nobody steals anything from our artillery equipment.

(Many soldiers from my battery who've been assigned here didn't even bother to go down to the garage and guard the equipment! That lack of responsibility resulted in theft of over 100,000 NIS worth of equipment. Our battery commander had conducted an investigation afterwards, but no one admitted anything. A collective punishment was planned but had never been given. How naive could these commanders be? They should've sent a commander to make sure we all do our job.)

A few engineers from our battalion came here to work on the artillery. They asked for our help. When we refused, they threatened to file a complaint against us. We eventually helped them. It was only a 1/2 hour work.

That's how things always work in IDF - combat soldiers do everything they're told. We work in the kitchen, in the gardens, we paint rooms, we clean toilets, we fix machinery, we carry heavy ammunition and all kinds of equipment from one place to another, etc etc. In other words, we're very useful and disciplined military tools. The rest just do their one, specific job: the cooks only cook food and give us orders in the kitchen, the engineers only work on machinery and give us orders so we could help them and so on...

Guys from AA corps asked us to come and help them work in the kitchen. "We know you barely do anything here, yet you eat in our kitchen. All we ask you is to help us just once for a little while." I convinced Assi to go with me and help, but after 5 minutes he disappeared and I ended up helping them by myself.

9th November, 2004

Arafat is 99% dead. He's been in critical condition for almost a week. I just hope he doesn't die exactly when I'm to be released home (11th).

Things are going quite well around here. I never get bored and time passes by real fast. We have newspapers, books and Sat TV (which is almost always occupied by local soldiers). I also started writing a game storyline and a novel. Writing is really the best way to spend time while guarding.

10th Novermber, 2004

This morning we had some work to do. It actually started yesterday. Some soldiers came from our home base to help. We've been unloading shells and explosives cylinders from all the artillery pieces, just so our Lieutenant could look at their captions and see if they belong to the right series, according to new "warfare regulations". It was so much work. We've managed to finish half of it in 2 days.

There were rumours going on that we won't be released home the following weekend, instead we'd go on a mission near Jericho, and that Arafat is already dead. Is it true or not? You always find out at the last minute!

Matan told us we'll be replaced tomorrow by other soldiers and that we'll go home from here in the morning. I've missed today's battalion evening party in Tiberias just like I've missed their 3-day trip in the beginning of the week, but what I really don't want to miss is my tomorrow's home vacation...

11th November, 2004

Yotam, a commander from the second platoon, woke us up at 9 a.m.
He said he'd come to take us to our home base, that we're replaced by 3 other soldiers.

"Why there? We aren't going home?!"

He replied: "We're moving to Jericho now, Arafat died today at 4.30 a.m."

Just like I said - at the last minute. You always find out at the last minute!

Nothing will stand between us

15th August, 2004

I talked to Yair on Sunday evening. He said that it most likely won't be a problem to release me on September 15th! That's great news! I asked him if it's possible to release me on 9th, switch with one of the soldiers from the 1st platoon or something. He replied negatively, saying that it will be difficult to do and may cause all kinds of problems. (If I switch vacations with one of the soldiers from the 1st platoon, things won't be organic anymore. When I'll be at the base, my team and another team from my platoon will be home and I'll be with the 1st platoon most of the time even though I don't belong there.)

Yair said I'll know the final answer tomorrow. I really must hurry, because my mom will fly abroad in 4 days and won't be able to order tickets. (She knows much better than me about all the tour agencies, where to find the cheapest available flight and so on) I might be sent to a pillbox again on 17th and won't be able to send the papers on time as I won't be at the base where the desk-work soldiers are.

While I was guarding and patrolling, I suddenly noticed an officer standing near the guarding post. He told me he was standing there for quite a long time, checking how well I guard by sitting a meter from the post, throwing a rock to the bushes and all kinds of things. He said I should be more alert, not for his sake, but for the sake of protecting the base.

That shocking encounter definitely made me more alert... more alert to bored and annoying officers that sneak on soldiers at night! ....... *sigh* 4 hours of guarding is so boring and tiresome, especially at night. How can he expect me to be concentrated all the time?!

















16th August, 2004

This evening Yair finally gave me the dates! 13th-20th September. I called my mom and she started looking for available tickets for these dates. It's not easy to find tickets for specific dates, and ticket availability is not a certainty especially since Rosh Ha Shana (the Jewish new year) is celebrated on 14th.

I sent an SMS to my sweetheart and asked her to find out if her mom lets us travel, stay in hotels and let her skip school for 4 days.

The night of 17th. It was 2:15a.m. I was guarding at the bunker with Ofir when I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it on my old (Samsung 624) cellphone. She talked to her mom and these are the results: Her mom won't let her skip school at all, but I can stay at her place and wait for her to come home from school everyday, and on the weekend we can travel somewhere and stay in a hotel.

Thinking about it thoroughly... What will I do at her place all by myself? I'll fly to Germany and have only 7 very short days every minute of which I'll want to spend with her.

Will they really let me, a complete stranger, stay alone at their place? Will her mother let us go to a hotel on the weekend? I sent 4 messages to Angel asking her to talk to her mom, to try and convince her in various ways to let her skip school for just these 4 days or otherwise it just won't work. It's the beginning of the school year anyway. Nothing useful is taught on those days.

In other words I was very disappointed about it. At first it was planned that she'll come to Israel and I'll show her the whole country and make it an unforgettable experience, but her mother forbid her to come and left us with one alternative - I come to Germany. Now her mother is making it even more difficult.

From 2:15 until the end of my guarding shift at 6a.m. I'd been thinking about this problem, hopefully the last obstacle to our dream-meeting. I don't wanna cope with seeing her for only half a day. I asked Angel to e-mail me as soon as possible, and also to tell me what time I could call her.

I had to pack - move to Telem. Now I can't send the papers. I'll only be able to send it on 24th, the last day before I go home. (We're usually taken to the base on the day before going home. I might not be able to visit the base until then.)

I received Angel's e-mail. "Maybe we should see each other in April" she wrote. "I will be 18. Independent from my mother."

She was probably in despair after my messages. She wrote she felt hopeless, that it would be pointless for me to stay at her place while she's in school.

I can imagine myself sitting at school, half-listening to the teacher, knowing that there's a girl who came all over from Germany just to be with me and is waiting for me at my home while I'm stuck in school... and not just a girl, but the girl I'm in love with.

My mom offered Angel to talk to her mom and try to sort things out, but Angel said it won't help.

I was in despair.

When I arrived to Telem, I had a phone talk with my mom. I told her that I would still meet her. It doesn't matter how little time I will have to share with her, I'm going to meet her no matter what. Eventually we will find a solution. Maybe her mom won't be that strict when she meets me. But my mother suggested that I find a girlfriend in Israel. That's what everyone tells me! I feel like I had lost my mother's support. Now there's absolutely nobody who supports me on meeting Angel. I feel so alone, so sad. Soon Angel and mom will both fly abroad and I'll be alone even more. =(

It's tearing me apart. I hope Angel's not feeling that way. We should both stay strong, everything will work out just fine...

I called her and we had a long conversation and it was worth every second! =) I'm very very happy now. We might be able to rent a hotel in town and she'll only have 3-4 hours of school everyday. She told me she suggested that we meet in April because I wrote "It won't work" in one of my SMS messages. But it would work! I was wrong! I was just very disappointed and I didn't want to accept the bad news last night. All is great! Except the phone bill... It's not too high, but is not okay either.

As I said: everything is going to be alright. We finished our conversation, both feeling very happy. I'm gonna meet her and it will be grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!! =)