Sunday, September 28, 2008

Angel's Confessions

27th January, 2006

Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?

When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...

It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.

A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...

...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.

It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.

It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.

That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.

I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.

I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."

It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

...that girl was Angel.

In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!

3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.

Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?

The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.

On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.

Shelly: "what do you want to talk about?"
Me: "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."
Shelly: "yeah?"
Me: "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"
Shelly: "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"

Angel appeared online.

Me: "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"
Shelly: "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u i will be only the interpreter..."

Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.

Me: "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."
Me: "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:
If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."
Me: "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."
Me: "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."
Angel: "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."
Me: "do you still feel anything for me?"
Angel: "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."
Me: "But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."
Angel: "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."
Me: "but what is that something?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"
Angel: "I wanna be with u, but not now"
Me: "when?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"
Angel: "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"
Me: "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."
Angel: "not a fiction, like a dream"
Me: "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."
Angel: "yeah"
Me: "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."
Angel: "I`m so sorry"
Me: "for what?"
Angel: "for everything"

She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.

Angel: "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"
Me: "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."
Me: "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"
Angel: "can`t say that,. it came step by step"

Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.

I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.

How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.

No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.

If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.

* * * * *

A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.

It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.

In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.

I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.

* * * * *

It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.

My own words kept coming back to my head...

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!

In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!

On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.

Her mail letter had a more detailed description:

"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"

"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"

"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"

"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!

Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."

"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"

I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?

Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.

Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.

Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.

She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.

Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.

I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.

Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.


Lirun said...

אני לא מאמין לך!


Beachdiary said...

Wow, ID !
So when we all started asking to know the end of the story it was actually still in motion.

are you going to write about your meeting last month?

Anonymous said...

Well, after 6h reading I have to say that it was the most exciting I ever read ^^
It was very, let's say interesting to read about myself, things that I've said and did ^^
For all the people who read the whole diary, the story isn't over yet ^^
Yeah, I'm Angel ^^
The last years where a growing up and down and we learned and changed a lot. But after all we still stayed in contact and solved every problem. He hallmarked my life and I'll never meet someone like him again. And one thing I can tell you all: I will fight for him and this relationship as much as I can! Because he's the second part of my life ever since we met about 6years ago!
So far so good ^^,
Keep reading ;)


Beachdiary said...


This is getting better and better :)

I love romantic stories, so please do keep updating.

Good luck with you 'fight', Angel. I'm sure that'll work out in the end.