The shortest way out

31st August, 2005

It was time to tell her everything...

"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."

Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"

Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."

Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?

I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.

Natalie:"Okay... why?"

Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"

Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."
Me: "What? Come on, tell me."
Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."
Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."

It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.

Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."
Me: "What do you like about him?"
Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."

Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"
Natalie: "Yeah, it does."

It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.

Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."

Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."

I had to go. We hung up.

It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.

I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.

1st September, 2005

I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.

This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.

I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.

Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."

Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."

Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."

Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."

Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"

Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."
Me: "I am."
Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."
Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."
Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."

Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."
Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."

I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!

Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"
Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."

Me: "How long ago was it?"
Natalie: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"
Natalie: "3-4 months ago."

S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.

Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"
Natalie: "15 minutes."

It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.

Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"

Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."
Me: "Do you regret what you did?"
Natalie: "yes and no.."
Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"
Natalie: "no, I do regret it."

I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!

Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."

Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."

I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.

Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."

She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...

"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!

Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.

I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"

The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.

She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.

Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."

She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.

Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?

Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"
Natalie: "what?"
Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"

I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.

Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."

Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"

A smile.

Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"
Me: "I'm sorry."

I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".

One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.

The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.

It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.

Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"

Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"
Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"
Natalie: "My love."
Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."

Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.

Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.

I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."

That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.

Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.

That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.

It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.

Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...