Mixed feelings and unstable relationships

3rd July, 2005

Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."

Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?

After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.

"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."

She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.

It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!

I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.

There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.

How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!

"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."

"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."

Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.

I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.

Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.

This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"

Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!

She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."

At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."

She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.

Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".

4th July, 2005

I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.

Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?

She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.

"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."

What?!

She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.

"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.

She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.

My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.

"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."

I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.

How could she do this? What was she thinking?!

"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."

She agreed.

Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.

When I talked to her again, I still had questions...

"How long have you kissed?"

S-H-O-C-K!

A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!

"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!

How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?

My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?

The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?

"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.

I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.

I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.


* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.

This is getting nowhere.

This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)

She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."

Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.

I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.

It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.

Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."

She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?

This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.

Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.

Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.

I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.

I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.

What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.

Making the right decision

13th April, 2005

We had a date today. She looks even better in life than on those pictures she sent me. She said the opposite about me, lol. But it doesn't matter, because within an hour it was obvious that she likes me.

She must be the prettiest girl that I've dated so far. Unfortunately, it reflects on her character. She knows that she's pretty. Complementing her usually triggers the same reaction: "gosh, you're like the 100th guy that tells me that!"

Putting that aside, she is an adorable dark-green eyed brunette, reminding me a bit of Katie Holmes.

At some point on our first date we were sitting at her place in the hall, watching TV together. This was it. Goodbye Angel. I kissed her lips... Within no time, we became a couple.


* * * * * The next 10 weeks were all about battery reorganization and intensive artillery training. In June, we were scheduled to be sent to the Lebanese border to the most active artillery base in Israel - The first to response to Hezbollah's attacks in that region. We had to do our best, especially when all the high-ranking officers came to watch us demonstrate our capabilities of accuracy and professionalism.

The best thing about those 10 weeks was that we were released home almost every weekend. I spent most of my free time with Natalie, and I don't think I could've spent it better than that!

But on the other hand, I barely had any time for myself, my family and friends, and there were times I was glad to stay home instead of dating her, even though dating her has always been the best option.

I told her about Angel and she told me about her x-boyfriend, Amir. He was her first love. He broke up with her a month before we met, telling her she was too perfect for him.

What a coincidence - he lives in Arad where I spent 10 years of my childhood. Strangely enough, even though he's my age and we've lived in the same town for 10 years, I've never met the guy.

She really hated it that a guy dared to broke up with her, but a part of her still loved him or so it seemed. And a part of me still loved Angel.

Natalie was obviously concerned by that. I wasn't ready to give up on Angel completely, but Natalie didn't want to be some temporary girlfriend of mine. She was right. I needed more time to make that decision...

28th May, 2005

This week's been the greatest, ever! Our regiment had a 3-day vacation in Eilat. Everyone had a great time there, except maybe for those who got drunk and were back in the hotel after the deadline - they were sent straight to our home base in the Golan Heights. What a long trip that was for them. Lol.

Today me and Natalie spent some time at my father's place in Ashqelon. He rents a room right next to the beach. Actually, he lends it to 2 guys who pay him the rent, but today he's arranged the flat for me and Natalie. The 2 guys had to go for some business.

Finally, after over a month, we were about to have some real privacy for the first time...

We've had great time together, at least until one of the guys suddenly returned. He returned at the worst timing ever! But we were careful enough to have the door locked. Although the guy was paying the rent and had the full rights to stay at his apartment, we'd hoped he would be tactful enough to leave within a few minutes. But he decided to stay... Instead of waiting for him to leave, me and Natalie went to to the swimming pool. When we came back, he was dozing off in the bedroom! Argh!

We locked ourselves up in the bathroom, trying to get some privacy there, but then the guy woke up and tried to get inside!! Argh!

9th June, 2005

While I was in the army, Amir, her x-boyfriend, visited her. At first, she was with her friend Alina, but when Alina left, the two of them found themselves alone in her flat. Unable to fight her temptations, she came closer to him, as close as one could... and then their lips touched. They kissed.

Amir told her he doesn't want her to cheat on me, that it wouldn't be fair. So they stopped.

On the following day I was notified about this and I couldn't help but feeling hurt. When I met her at the same day, she started talking about him. She wanted to tell me how she feels, even though she felt bad about it. She says she still likes him and thinks about him often. When she's with him, she completely forgets about my existence and she can't help it. According to her, Amir is a non-separable part of her life.

It's only so because she still has feelings for him. It's either me or him, she must make a choice.

Later that day when I was at her place, she'd hidden her ICQ conversation with Amir and told me I wasn't allowed to read it.

When she was called to eat dinner, I couldn't fight my curiosity. I found him in her contact list and opened up the history log.

Yesterday's chat:
Natalie: "It was so emotionless what we did today, the next time I expect more of you."
Amir: "But it would be unfair to him. Would you really do that when he's in the army?"
Natalie: "He won't have to know about that. Besides, who knows? Maybe he's meeting other girls in the army... althought I don't think so."
Amir: "Me neither."
Natalie: "I love you, it's crazy"

Later she denied that she loves him. "I like him, that's all". She said she's never hidden anything from me. She always told me everything there was to tell.

How can I believe her after what I've just read?!

Later on that day, we've spent some good together and for a while there, it felt like Amir doesn't even exist. But he does, doesn't he?

I told her I don't want her to meet him again. It would only make things worse, but she said she wants to meet him, that she can't go on without him, she needs him. She wants him to be a good friend, not a lover. But she's afraid she can't control it.

He keeps flirting with her, telling her that he regrets leaving her 2 months ago and pursuing some other girl.

I'm not giving up on her. I know life's never that simple. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't wanna end it.

But she has to choose! Who will it be, a guy who lives far away in Arad, who's dumped her for another girl, or me?

I sure hope she's gonna make the right choice...