What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

* * * * *

In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.

Wrong course of action

10th August, 2005

Today I'm 2 years in the army, whohoo!

11th August, 2005

I had a chat with Natalie this evening. Everything is so perfect in our relationship right now. We exchange sweet words and... just when it seemed that things couldn't get better, she asked: "Did you talk to her (Angel)?". My attempts of changing the subject end in failure.

The thing is... We both agreed that we would stop talking to our x's. She would stop talking to Amir and I would stop chatting with Angel.

A week ago she violated the agreement. She talked to Amir. Why? She said he owed her a picture of his half naked body. WTF?! She algo gave him her own photo. When she told me that, I said I'd talk to Angel too, and so I did.

I only asked her "what's new?". She told me that she works in a hotel 11 hours a day, 5 days a week and earns only 300-400 euro per month... that's less than 2 euro per hour! She said it's part of her 3-year long apprenticeship program. It's tough. She doesn't have any time off between school and work, only a few days in July. After telling me that, she had disconnected.

Natalie was upset upon hearing my answer. She started crying and said that I ruined her mood. I regretted telling her that, or perhaps for talking to Angel. I can't lie. Even if the truth really really hurts, it's just wrong no matter how you look at it...

Natalie was so angry at Angel. She said she'd think of a way to make her life miserable. "I have contacts, I have money, I have plans! You'll see how this $#%$ $ $#@@ $# will be burning in hell! I'll make sure she regrets messing with me". Her words were so shocking that I couldn't believe it was her speaking.

Later that night when I was thinking about it all she suddenly called me. "Hello?" "I love you! I love you very very much!!! I really really love you, my dear!"

I was shocked. "wow, ummm... thanks! Listen... could you call me in a couple of minutes? I'm in the toilet right now."

Later she explained her behavior by saying that it's just one of those moods... Unfortunately, I'm afraid it was nothing more that just a temporary burst of feelings that was to go away in a matter of seconds.

12th August, 2005

This morning we had a training exercise with our howitzers. We had a short break when other teams were practicing. That's when Natalie called me all of a sudden.

Natalie: "Hi, I've got a question for you... Who's Rog?" Rog is the ICQ nickname of a friend of mine from high school. I was surprised! "How do you know him?"

Natalie: "I'm in your ICQ. Where is he?"
"What?! How did you get my ICQ list?"
"A friend of mine, Dannie, hacked into it."
She hacked into my ICQ?! WHAT THE?!
"What? How could you?! Do you know my password?"
"Of course I do."
"Really? What is it then?"
"Tell me who is Rog!"
"I'm not telling you until you tell me my password!"
"I don't know it, he just hacked into your ICQ with some program and I took (Angel)'s detalis."

I couldn't believe it! Is this the girl I've been dating for the last 4 months?! One day she's an angel, the other day she's a devil?!

How could she invade my privacy like that? How could she lie to me about the password?

I was angry at her. I told her she mustn't dare hurting Angel. Upon hearing me protecting Angel like that, she became angry and was deeply hurt. Then I told her that it's not personal, that I'd have done the same thing if anyone threatened her (Natalie).

Even if I love her, I can't see my girlfriend turning into a demon, being consumed by hatred and desire for revenge.

I warned Angel of Natalie's possible intentions. I'm sorry that it had come to this.

Natalie later told me how she cried the whole day. People kept asking her if she had an allergy, because her eyes were all watery, they didn't see her cry, so they thought it was an allergy.

At work, she yelled at her employer and his kids after being upset for the whole day.

At noon, Natalie asked me to come online. I opened the ICQ page on my cellphone but she wasn't on. Angel was online, though.

Angel was the first to write me a message. It looked suspicious, because she never writes me first. I didn't buy it! I thought it was Natalie pretending to be Angel. "Natalie, I can't believe you'd do that! It's not funny."

A minute later Natalie was online and Angel replied to me in a way that I clearly recognized her. I was wrong!

Angel said Natalie requested her permission to be added to her contact list, but Angel ignored it. She also said that she's in "invisible" mode so that Natalie can't see her online. "I'll be the first to write you, from now on. ;)" Angel wrote.

Natalie's employer harassed her again. He offered to please her sexually, saying some nasty things that a 15 year old girl wouldn't want to hear from a 40 year old man, who's not only married with kids but is also her boss at the moment.

Shachar: "You know what I think?"
Natalie: "No, I don't care what youthink."
Shachar: "You want me to tell you?"
Natalie: "No, I don't!!"
Shachar: "Why?"
Natalie: "Because I don't wanna talk about such things with you, do you understand?"

By the evening we became friends again. She was sorry for invading my privacy.

As I was lying in my bed, I imagined Angel and felt something deep in my heart. However, when I imagined Natalie in my mind, I barely felt a thing. I don't know why...

Maybe it's because I miss Angel a lot. Or is it because she's the one I truly love? What if I were in the opposite situation - being with Natalie for 2 years and dating Angel for 4 months. Would I feel more for Natalie then?

Natalie says she loves me very much... that she'll be willing to take any rational or irrational action to make sure that I stay with her and keep loving her. "Why can't you compromise everything that you have for the sake of our relationship? It means that you don't love me enough. If you protect this $#*@ (she refers to Angel) it only proves that you have feelings for her."

Maybe I do, but I love YOU, Natalie. Yet, the things that you do make me love you much less. These actions of revenge, of hatred reveal your negative side. If you want me to stay with you, you should know that your current actions only give the opposite result.

My best friend Daniel wanted to add a post of his own to my diary. I don't let him or anyone else read my diary, but if they want to share their thoughts then are welcome to write too.

(Untouched. Only added some commas and censored the names.)
"This entry is filled with contents by... Me! (Daniel). Basically I asked IsraeliDiary to write in it, so here goes..

Anyway, today consisted of a few main activities. I drove the cannon today to our alternative firing spot. It was fun as usual, since I hate driving, but I heard that our crewmen got hit by falling, non-secured projectiles because I got reckless with my driving.

After the training was behind us, IsraeliDiary told me that Natalie had cut her wrist veins just for the fun of it. Yes, I was shocked at the moment, but he said that something similar happened a while ago and I wondered if this girl is normal.

I suddenly realize that my handwriting is ugly and I'll make an effort to write nice on the next phrases.

I don't know about IsraeliDiary, but I think he should have told Natalie that it hurts him too, to hear that his girlfriend is doing insane actions on herself. I hope she will understand that this sort of things kick the shit out of him and if I'm worried about her, I can't imagine what IsraeliDiary feels.

But f**k it. I don't need to get in their affairs. It's their business and f**k it even if she jumps off the Azrieli towers.

At afterdark, we went to play some soccer and usually we lost (because of me, duhhh) but we did win once and we had the spirit. It was nice but I still prefer ping-pong, where I won already two players. (I still s**k, but luckily I beat them: IsraeliDiary is easy prey, but Drori is my league. I'll practice on him more.

The guitar is proceeding slowly and everything quiet at home so this is me signing off...

Goodbye cruel world!!! Nah... never mind, good night."

(I don't remember what day it happened but...)
Natalie had cut her wrist and accidentally cut her vein along with it. The blood wouldn't stop flowing and I was about to panic! I quickly ran to our medic and asked for advice. Eventually, she poured some alcohol on the injury and covered it with a plaster, the bleeding stopped.

Why did she cut herself? Her explanation was simple: She just felt like doing it. She used to cut herself before too, but I hoped that she'd stopped. This isn't normal! For whatever reasons she did that, it must never happen again.

In search of reason

10th October, 2004

2 days of our vacation have been taken away. Our officer wanted to organize a 2-day trip to Jerusalem and Sdot-Yam, a kibbutz near Caesarea and Hadera where Kobi lives (a commander from our platoon). A female soldier, whose job is being a military tour guide in Jerusalem, had taken us to various places in the old city and told us of its past. Then we visited the western wall and everyone wrote a note and put it in the wall.

Next, we drove to Sdot-Yam. It's a beautiful Kibbutz located next to the beach. There are archaeological findings from Roman times, there's a large sailing club there. Gal Friedman, the first gold medalist of the Olympic games in Israel's history (He won it a few months ago) lives and trains right here. We had barbecue in the evening and on the next morning we went to the beach. A while later, a model and 2 photographers passed us by. They went north, beyond a small rocky hill to find a perfect spot to do the shooting. Everyone was so curious to see it, they went up there to watch.

In the afternoon, we all were taken to the bus station in Hadera. I was home at 4:30pm, but I had to come back to the base this evening, thanks to the punishment Lior gave me a week ago.

13th October, 2004

It's been 10 days since I've last heard from Angel. I can't stop worrying!

I called her. The phone rings, but nobody answers it.

I SMSed her 3-4 times these last few days, but there's no reply.

I e-mailed her when I was home, but received nothing.

What is going on? Where is she? Has something bad happened or is there something she doesn't want me to know? There are many ways to communicate nowadays. It's not like she can't contact me, so what is it about? I don't get it.

A few days ago, when I was at home, her friend Jenny was online. Angel was at her place at the time. I talked to Angel, but all she ever said was "hi" and "I'm fine". Then she stopped replying.

My last SMS to her was: "Honey, I'm really worried. Please contact me or my mom somehow. Through email, phone, your mom, internet cafe, your friends, anyhow. I know you can, but you don't do it, so I'm worried."

Later this evening, while I was guarding in the observation tower, I received an SMS and somehow missed an unknown call. The SMS was from Angel! It said: "Honey, don't be worried! Don't you trust me? You know I love you, don't you? I'm lying in the hospital. Operation again. Got my phone today again. Hope you are fine! Love you soo much! Kiss." It made me happy again, to know that our relationship is stable, but now I was worried about her operation. Poor Angel. After I had replied to her, her 2nd SMS said she couldn't speak to me, at least for the next 2 days. She has problems with her throat, which is why she has to undergo an operation.

16th October, 2004

6a.m. - I was supposed to guard at the watchtower as usual, but some Palestinian guy threw a Molotov cocktail on the road near 76th junction and so Raleb called me, Haim and Maxim to go down there ASAP. We were ordered to prevent any movement on the road connecting 2 Palestinian villages.

Haim took one side of the road, I took the other one. He aggressively yelled and pointed his gun at every Palestinian who came upon our roadblock. There was a taxi with a Palestinian guy in the back, who had his eye bandaged. The taxi driver said the man had some kind of a pin stuck in his eye and that he needed to be delivered to the hospital immediately. But Raleb couldn't care less. After some yelling, the driver turned back.

Maxim joined my side of the road. I started talking to him about his views, hoping to have at least someone agreeing with my point of view, but my hopes have turned against me. He said he's not a racist, but he dislikes Palestinians. He said that Baruch Goldstein, who massacred 29 Palestinians in 1994 did the right thing, that just like they commit suicide bombings and kill innocent civilians, we should commit such acts ourselves and kill their innocent civilians as well. *Sigh*

I was surrounded by 3 guys who hated Palestinians indiscriminately. It looked as if every Palestinian they met on the roadblock was that molotov-cocktail-throwing criminal in their eyes.

A taxi came to our side of the road. The taxi driver said he had a pregnant woman in the back who needs to give birth. Maxim told him to turn back. The driver started to argue with Maxim, when he'd lost his patience and shouted: "I don't give a shit! Even if you die, I wouldn't care! Now turn around and go back!"

A while later, two more cars came - one was with another pregnant woman, the other - a father and a boy who had a broken leg.

But Raleb did not care!

Raleb told him to turn around and then walked on to deal with another vehicle. But the father didn't listen. He went out of the vehicle, carrying his son in his arms. He tried to reason with Raleb, but he and Maxim started to shout at him angrily and walking in his direction. Then the father walked back to his vehicle and turned around.

Some Palestinians would ask us when they could come back, but the only answer they'd get is another "get out of my sight!" and "turn around!".

I wish I had done something, but feel shame and pity. I don't know whose orders it was, but they didn't make any sense. Since we're here, we can check those cars and let them pass. Why punish everyone? Why do we prevent basic humanitarian needs?!

Assuming there are justified reasons for this kind of roadblock, why can't they preserve their patience and explain the situation to these people? They wouldn't be so aggressive towards Israelis, no matter how annoying some Israelis can be, so why this kind of discrimination?

Maybe they refuse to leave, if you're not aggressive enough. Is being calm and nice to people considered to be a form of weakness when it comes to soldiers? I think that in some way it does, yet it doesn't mean that you should be aggressive to everyone. One should use it only when necessary.

Looking at the big picture, one can wonder how much damage a stupid individual with a molotov cocktail or a stone in his hand can do.

17th October, 2004

Pinhas is a good person if you get to know him well, but not when it comes to politics and Palestinians. He says he'd kill all Arabs if he could. He told me how once there was one Palestinian who pissed him off. He was told he couldn't pass through the roadblock and that he shouldn't bother trying to come back, but the guy came back to the roadblock to see if it's still there and to ask again if he could pass. Pinhas approached him, grabbed him by his neck and started choking him!

Amir, a commander who was at the roadblock at the time, urged Pinhas to stop. Pinhas says: "Amir is a pussy, unlike Natan (his present commander who doesn't seem to like Palestinians that much). Natan lets us do whatever we want whenever Palestinians give us any problems."

Hatred is all over the place.

(A year later, I found out that Pinhas' girlfriend was killed in a suicide bombing. That's probably where all this hatred comes from.)

* * * * *

I fell like a free man doing a favor to this country, doing nothing in overall, wasting 3 most precious years of my life for nothing instead of being somewhere abroad with Angel.

IDF saves the lives of many Israelis by defending this country, but IDF is also the primary cause for Israeli victims in these bombings and shootings. IDF gives them reasons to hate us and want to fight us.

I don't feel like doing anything good for Israelis or Palestinians, or for world's peace, but there's one thing that I am doing and it's documenting everything that I witness here. How can it help change anything? I don't know. I only hope that if it ever changes anything, it would be a positive change for everyone.

* * * * *

I decided to write a letter to myself, that is, my future self. "Open and read it on the day that you're released from the army."

Dear me!

You must be 21 by now. I hope Angel's right there next to you. Do not tell me that apart from a meeting in April 2005 and/or a metting or two more, you have not seen her since and that you wait until she finishes a university. I feel like I can't wait to see her again! Can you? :)

You're most likely with her by now. With all of my heart, I do hope you are together.

What are your plans? Are you going to record the songs? Are you to become a web designer? Do you plan to move to Germany or USA? How's Mom doing? She's still not receiving her salary on time? Is she still alone? How's your brother doing? Is he tired of his academic service?

I wish you all the best in the world! Good luck in your free, civilian life and greeting to Angel from the young me! :)

Love her forEVER!!! Don't you tell me you don't feel the same!

Me, 19 years old, 17/10/04.