Making the right choice? Only time will tell
18th July, 2005
As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.
It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.
I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.
When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.
At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.
He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.
By the evening we were back to the base.
19th July, 2005
We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.
As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"
21st July, 2005
We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.
In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.
She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?
She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.
After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.
Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.
Break up for 1 month? And then what?!
16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!
Things will change, I'm sure of that.
It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!
I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.
I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.
22nd July, 2005
Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.
"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."
The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.
I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....
"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."
"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."
Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."
Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)
I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.
Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.
The Presentation
2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.
The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.
Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...
More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."
She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."
(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)
During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...
The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...
I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."
She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.
"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!
On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."
On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:
There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.
She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.
So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?
What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.
Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.
In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?
Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Back at home for 5 days
13th July, 2005
4 months have passed. A wave of new soldiers arrive, some young soldiers leave for commander's course, the oldest soldiers of Aug '02 get released from the army, new commanders and officers. A lot of changes, especially this time.
Yesterday evening, Matan told us he's leaving. He's going to be a desk-worker commander at the headquarters of our regiment. A new commander, a year younger than me is supposed to replace him. 2 other commanders in the battery will be replaced by fresh Aug '04 arrivals. 2 new officers will join our battery. Even our battery's commander is getting replaced.
Soldiers of Nov '04, who've just finished their advanced training, are supposed to come on 17th. When they join the battery I will no longer have to guard at the base. There'll be enough soldiers younger than me to guard everyday.
2 soldiers from my team are leaving. One of them is getting released from the army due to personal issues after having a conversation with our regiment's psychiatrist, the other one is going to be a desk worker, he's lowered his profile and is going to serve close to his home, due to some serious problems in the family.
Ravit is leaving us too. Everybody hates her and are happy she's leaving. Not me. I like her and admire her for her achievements in the battery. She volunteered to serve 3 years in the army, she worked hard and became a commander.
Even though girls in artillery corps can only be assigned as responsible for sending out coordinates (rather than carrying 43kg shells), she's done some hard work, dealing with everything professionally, helping out and staying late.
I'm sure it wasn't easy at all to be the only female commander in the battery. It looked like the whole battery was physically attracted to her. What about her character? I guess only her team and the other commanders know her real character, if at all. Everybody hates her for being so professional, for never being off guard. She was doing everything by the book and there's nothing that soldiers hate more than commanders who do everything by the book.
I don't know where she gets all that strength and I wonder how she's like in real life, off duty.
Today I'm released home. That means that when I go back, I won't recognize my battery. So many changes...
* * * * *
The demons are now gone. The clouds have dispersed. When I'm back from the army, all my troubles disappear. My relationship with Natalie only blossoms.
I have celebrated my birthday at a park, inviting all of my relatives. Natalie was there too. She felt uncomfortable around so many strangers and wanted me to spend most of the time with her.
On one hand I felt uncomfortable leaving her on her own, on the other hand I felt it was wrong to ditch my whole family whom I haven't seen for at least a year.
I ended up spending with her most of the day, giving her full attention. I didn't feel good about it.
Before the park, she gave me her birthday gifts. It was a red, heart shaped cushion and a small book of love sayings. Oh Natalie! She does it every time, she melts my heart. As I write this (in my diary), I wanna hug her again! It was a good day for me. =)
On the next day I received a notice on my cellphone. It was Matan. He asked that I come to a hospital in Petah-Tikva tomorrow. All the soldiers who were released home had been called up to volunteer in a certain activity, to make IDF look friendly.
We don't have any problems with volunteering and doing something good for Israeli citizens. But when you're forced to do it, and when it's being done on the very few days that you get to be home after being stuck for half a month in the army, it's a totally different story!
Some guys had to come all the way from Haifa or Beer Sheva just for a few hours. The whole day was wasted for them.
It was our last day at home. We all met at Schneider hospital at 12:30pm. When everyone arrived, we walked a short distance to a kindergarden nearby. It was a special kindergarden for autistic children. We were split to 2 teams. One would paint the kindergarden, the other would play with children.
I chose playing with the children. There was a kid whose name is Or, he's 5 years old and he already knows gimatry (numerical value of letters). He knows English, he knows how to spell words right, he can translate certain words from Hebrew to English. At age 5 he knows multiplication. When he grows up he's going to be the next Einstein!
There was another kid, her name's Sarah. She likes hugging people. She came to me, hugged me tight and sat on my laps.
She was so happy. I was so shocked
The caretakers told her not to touch people, but she would walk around and touch soldiers. It really looked like she enjoyed doing it.
I met Natalie in the evening. We went to the beach and ordered a pizza at the restaurant.
When she walked to the bathroom, I saw that guy who was selling roses. I called him up and I bought one. I thought it was my opportunity to make it up for the last time, when I didn't have enough cash in my wallet to buy her a rose.
I wanted to surprise her. I hid the rose under the table. When she came back from the bathroom I handed it to her. It made her very happy. Her smile was definitely worth the 20 shekels.
After dinner we sat on a bench facing the sea, spending the last minutes talking about life, hugging and kissing.
It was time to go home. We called a cab.
It is when we part that she shows me how much she loves me. She kept begging me to stay. She almost cried. I asked her not to think about it. Time will pass by fast, it's alright.
The first few minutes without her are always the hardest, realizing that I'm not going to see her for a long time. One minute you're having a great time with your girlfriend, the other minute you're back at the army.
Soon the demons will come out again. They will attempt to destroy our relationship. What will happen this time, I wonder... She still haven't told me that one secret that, according to her words, would make me break up with her.
As much as I don't wanna break up with her, I want to know the truth. I can always lie to myself and pretend that everything is perfect. But how many lies can I keep telling myself?
13th July, 2005
4 months have passed. A wave of new soldiers arrive, some young soldiers leave for commander's course, the oldest soldiers of Aug '02 get released from the army, new commanders and officers. A lot of changes, especially this time.
Yesterday evening, Matan told us he's leaving. He's going to be a desk-worker commander at the headquarters of our regiment. A new commander, a year younger than me is supposed to replace him. 2 other commanders in the battery will be replaced by fresh Aug '04 arrivals. 2 new officers will join our battery. Even our battery's commander is getting replaced.
Soldiers of Nov '04, who've just finished their advanced training, are supposed to come on 17th. When they join the battery I will no longer have to guard at the base. There'll be enough soldiers younger than me to guard everyday.
2 soldiers from my team are leaving. One of them is getting released from the army due to personal issues after having a conversation with our regiment's psychiatrist, the other one is going to be a desk worker, he's lowered his profile and is going to serve close to his home, due to some serious problems in the family.
Ravit is leaving us too. Everybody hates her and are happy she's leaving. Not me. I like her and admire her for her achievements in the battery. She volunteered to serve 3 years in the army, she worked hard and became a commander.
Even though girls in artillery corps can only be assigned as responsible for sending out coordinates (rather than carrying 43kg shells), she's done some hard work, dealing with everything professionally, helping out and staying late.
I'm sure it wasn't easy at all to be the only female commander in the battery. It looked like the whole battery was physically attracted to her. What about her character? I guess only her team and the other commanders know her real character, if at all. Everybody hates her for being so professional, for never being off guard. She was doing everything by the book and there's nothing that soldiers hate more than commanders who do everything by the book.
I don't know where she gets all that strength and I wonder how she's like in real life, off duty.
Today I'm released home. That means that when I go back, I won't recognize my battery. So many changes...
The demons are now gone. The clouds have dispersed. When I'm back from the army, all my troubles disappear. My relationship with Natalie only blossoms.
I have celebrated my birthday at a park, inviting all of my relatives. Natalie was there too. She felt uncomfortable around so many strangers and wanted me to spend most of the time with her.
On one hand I felt uncomfortable leaving her on her own, on the other hand I felt it was wrong to ditch my whole family whom I haven't seen for at least a year.
I ended up spending with her most of the day, giving her full attention. I didn't feel good about it.
Before the park, she gave me her birthday gifts. It was a red, heart shaped cushion and a small book of love sayings. Oh Natalie! She does it every time, she melts my heart. As I write this (in my diary), I wanna hug her again! It was a good day for me. =)
On the next day I received a notice on my cellphone. It was Matan. He asked that I come to a hospital in Petah-Tikva tomorrow. All the soldiers who were released home had been called up to volunteer in a certain activity, to make IDF look friendly.
We don't have any problems with volunteering and doing something good for Israeli citizens. But when you're forced to do it, and when it's being done on the very few days that you get to be home after being stuck for half a month in the army, it's a totally different story!
Some guys had to come all the way from Haifa or Beer Sheva just for a few hours. The whole day was wasted for them.
It was our last day at home. We all met at Schneider hospital at 12:30pm. When everyone arrived, we walked a short distance to a kindergarden nearby. It was a special kindergarden for autistic children. We were split to 2 teams. One would paint the kindergarden, the other would play with children.
I chose playing with the children. There was a kid whose name is Or, he's 5 years old and he already knows gimatry (numerical value of letters). He knows English, he knows how to spell words right, he can translate certain words from Hebrew to English. At age 5 he knows multiplication. When he grows up he's going to be the next Einstein!
There was another kid, her name's Sarah. She likes hugging people. She came to me, hugged me tight and sat on my laps.
She was so happy. I was so shocked
The caretakers told her not to touch people, but she would walk around and touch soldiers. It really looked like she enjoyed doing it.
I met Natalie in the evening. We went to the beach and ordered a pizza at the restaurant.
When she walked to the bathroom, I saw that guy who was selling roses. I called him up and I bought one. I thought it was my opportunity to make it up for the last time, when I didn't have enough cash in my wallet to buy her a rose.
I wanted to surprise her. I hid the rose under the table. When she came back from the bathroom I handed it to her. It made her very happy. Her smile was definitely worth the 20 shekels.
After dinner we sat on a bench facing the sea, spending the last minutes talking about life, hugging and kissing.
It was time to go home. We called a cab.
It is when we part that she shows me how much she loves me. She kept begging me to stay. She almost cried. I asked her not to think about it. Time will pass by fast, it's alright.
The first few minutes without her are always the hardest, realizing that I'm not going to see her for a long time. One minute you're having a great time with your girlfriend, the other minute you're back at the army.
Soon the demons will come out again. They will attempt to destroy our relationship. What will happen this time, I wonder... She still haven't told me that one secret that, according to her words, would make me break up with her.
As much as I don't wanna break up with her, I want to know the truth. I can always lie to myself and pretend that everything is perfect. But how many lies can I keep telling myself?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Mixed feelings and unstable relationships
3rd July, 2005
Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."
Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?
After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.
"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."
She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.
It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!
I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.
There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.
How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!
"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."
"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."
Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.
I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.
Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.
This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"
Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!
She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."
At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."
She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.
Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".
4th July, 2005
I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.
Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?
She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.
"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."
What?!
She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.
"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.
She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.
My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.
"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."
I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.
How could she do this? What was she thinking?!
"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."
She agreed.
Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.
When I talked to her again, I still had questions...
"How long have you kissed?"
S-H-O-C-K!
A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!
"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!
How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?
My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?
The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?
"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.
I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.
I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.
* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.
This is getting nowhere.
This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)
She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."
Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.
I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.
It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.
Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."
She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?
This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.
Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.
Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.
I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.
I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.
What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.
3rd July, 2005
Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."
Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?
After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.
"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."
She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.
It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!
I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.
There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.
How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!
"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."
"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."
Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.
I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.
Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.
This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"
Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!
She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."
At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."
She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.
Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".
4th July, 2005
I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.
Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?
She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.
"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."
What?!
She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.
"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.
She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.
My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.
"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."
I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.
How could she do this? What was she thinking?!
"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."
She agreed.
Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.
When I talked to her again, I still had questions...
"How long have you kissed?"
S-H-O-C-K!
A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!
"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!
How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?
My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?
The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?
"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.
I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.
I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.
This is getting nowhere.
This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)
She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."
Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.
I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.
It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.
Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."
She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?
This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.
Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.
Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.
I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.
I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.
What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Welcome to the Northern border
28th June, 2005
If only I knew how hard this day was going to be, I'd have wished that I didn't wake up.
7:00-9:00 - Morning duties - Base cleaning? Not good enough. Punishment: Repeat at 12am.
10:00-13:00 - Guarding at the bunker.
13:00-13:30 - Lunch break.
13:30 - 17:45 - Reforming the whole base - moving stuff from one place to another, weeding, general cleaning and doing other things in preparation for the incoming VIPs. Minister of defense Shaul Mofaz, major general Dan Halutz and major general Benny Gantz.
Working in this heat made us very tired.
The press came - channels 10, 11 and 22, newspaper and radio journalists. Supervised by security officers, the military chiefs entered our briefing hall.
Each one of them spoke to us on his turn. They've said that we are currently the primary force in the northern border, the first to respond to Hezbollah's attacks in this region. Benny Gantz said that it is likely that we will engage in artillery fire during our stay here, and that the enemy may fire back on us. Mofaz said that he counts on us, that we look like good soldiers and an excellent regiment. During the upcoming Gaza strip's disengagement, it is most probable that Hezbollah would attempt to escalate the tensions in the northern border.
After the speechs they've asked us some questions. Then we had the opportunity to ask them.
One of my friends had asked Shaul Mofaz something about IDF's intel, giving him precise numbers and detailed explanation. Shaul Mofaz was quite impressed. He said that even he didn't know these details and then he offered my friend to become an officer. My friend thanked him but rejected the offer.
Benny gave us a few minutes to make a run to our howitzers and get ready to fire. Although we were located on the northern border, we could still turn our cannons 180 degrees and fire at military training fields in Israel.
On Benny's signal, we all took our m16's and ran as fast as we could. The 3 VIPs, accompanied by the press came by to watch us in action.
After a short whlie, they all left. Not an hour later, we were informed that there was some shooting at the northern border, in a base located on mount Hermon.
On the next hour we received an update - it was 2 soldiers who fired at the shooting range without proper orders and without informing anybody. False alarm...
It was around 8:30pm when we were called to the dining room for dinner. Filling my dish with fresh food, there was no better time for us to have some rest and eat some quality food.
As I was looking for a free table to sit, a loud voice announced: "Red alert! Red alert!"
There was a split-second that dozens of soldiers, sitting at the dining room were literally frozen in their seats. Then, everyone suddenly jumped up and started running out of the dining room as fast as they could. Food was flying in the air, chairs were being thrown down, causing some guys to stumble. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before!
(the exact words weren't really "Red alert" as you might guess, but it doesn't matter)
We were all in our howitzers ready for orders. Within the next minute, we were informed why we were here. A group of 5 armed subjects have crossed the blue line (the Israeli-Lebanese border) and are very close to one of Israel's forward-most bases. Special forces have set an ambush and were waiting for them to come.
We were sitting in our howitzers until 12:20am. Then some of the teams were released to their rooms, whle others stayed inside the vehicles in full military readiness.
While still wearing military uniform and boots, they had to sleep either next to the vehicles, or inside them. Dinner was brought outside - it was nothing but a chocolate drink "shoko" and 2 slices of watermelon for each one. The rest of the food was thrown away. Why?!
I went to my room and fell asleep... but 20 minutes later, one of the soldiers woke me up and told me that it was my turn to guard, from 1am until 4am. Thanks to the internet on my cellphone, I didn't fall asleep. After over 1.8 years in the army, I was no longer supposed to guard at night, but talking to the sergeant in charge didn't help. He said there weren't enough soldiers, that those who are in their vehicles could not guard.
At 4:30 I could finally asleep... until 6am. Matan woke us up and told us to come to our howitzer to sleep there. It was our turn to be in readiness. As much as I was tired, lying down on rocks in the light of the rising sun, I couldn't fall asleep.
29th June, 2005
A massive demonstration was about to take place in Israel. Thousands of settlers and their supporters would go out in the streets and block the roads. Some of our soldiers support the settlers, but as soldiers we are taught to put politics aside. We can discuss it with each other (not in public), but in the end we have to follow orders.
2 teams were going to be released home today. They all dressed up in their A-type uniforms, when the alarm sounded again. Everyone ran to their vehicles. We received a report that Hezbollah has attacked a base on mount Dov. My team was the first to be ready. We fired 4 shells for ranging calculations. The rest of the teams joined us later and fired shells on different targets across mount Dov.
The excitement was huge. A few cars with reporters and cameramen have gathered behind our base on the road uphill.
The 2 teams who were supposed to go home today had to forget about it. The bus didn't arrive at all.
They joined us, carrying shells and preparing the ammunition while still wearing their clean A-type uniforms.
Smoke was rising all over mount Dov. Hezbollah's mortar fire was quite massive. We could hear mortars falling non-stop one after the other. There were quiet moments sometimes, but most of the time the fighting was intense.
As a navigator, I was partially in charge of our howitzer's accuracy. It was tense, but fun nevertheless. The other teams fired most of the shells.
When we didn't have a firing objective, I opened up the news page on my cellphone and saw a picture of us firing. News travels fast, huh?
We saw a smoke rising near the city of Kiryat Shmona. All its citizens were asked to enter bombing shelters. In the end, it was a rocket that accidentally fell from an Israeli jet.
An hour later, IDF's special forces have located a Hezbollah's squad of militants who were on their way to infiltrate an Israeli base (to kill and kidnap soldiers). They opened fire on them. The militants returned fire and injured one of the soldiers. It was a doctor. As he was bleeding, he instructed the others how to treat him.
My team fired 3 smoke shells to cover their retreat. They were successfully evacuated by a helicopter. We could see a giant smoke rising up on top of the mountain. It had the form of a mushroom. This was photographed by reporters and was all over the newspapers the following day. They also showed us on the news the same evening. Everybody'd call their friends and family to turn on the TV and watch news.
Hezbollah had inflicted a direct hit on one of Israeli front bases. As a result, 1 soldier was killed and 2 others were lightly wounded. The Israeli air force bombed various Hezbollah targets in Lebanon - that's what the newspapers reported, barely mentioning us, the artillery.
By 9:30pm we were free to go and get some rest. I called Natalie. I informed her earlier that I was going to be on the news, but her brother didn't let her watch TV. She gets so upset because of her family and told me her parents always enslave her, yell at her and tell her how useless and stupid she is. They even said that they regret that she was ever born! How could normal parents say such things?! I can't believe this!
"What's the point of living? perhaps there's a better life for me on the other side. Nobody needs me. I can easily commit a suicide and end it all. I didn't fear cutting myself, I once even cut myself very close to he vein."
I told her that I really need her, that she's important to me and many other people. I know, nothing is compared to the love of a family. Everybody should have loving parents. Parents who don't love their children, don't deserve to have any children in the first place. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for children whose parents don't show them any love. It is ten times worse if parents tell their children they hate them and regret they were ever born.
Natalie deserves so much more than that. I wish there was something I could do for her. But apart from supporting her, being there and listening to her, I cannot do much. I can't interfere in their family problems.
But I can't keep seeing her like this, being torn apart, listening to her hopeless, pain-bearing voice and unable to do anything about it. At these moments, I'm willing to give up anything just to see her happy, to make all of her problems disappear.
I know that when I finish the army, everything is going to be so much better.
She says she doesn't commit suicide because of me. Angel once said the same.
I could hear her father in the background yelling at her... then he snatched the phone and hung up!
I called her again later. She kept telling me about all the terrible things her mother had said to her. How her brother once hit her in the stomach and that her dad thinks she's a failure. Could it be that she exaggerates? Maybe she's just having a bad mood and feels like the whole world hates her?
Is it possible that you misinterpret your folks? That was stupid of me to ask. Instead of supporting her, I'm being objective on this? She wanted to tell me some things, but changed her mind. She said she'd tell such things to Amir because he could really hear her out, support and comfort her, unlike me. Sigh. She had to go. She hung up.
It really hurt me to hear her say that. I can't make her happy whenever she's down, but Amir can?
I agree that there should always be a good friend to whom you could tell everything, someone who will always support you no matter what, but I also think that there should be no secrets or unknown details between two people who love each other. Hiding information from each other eventually form a base of misunderstandings and conflicts of various kinds.
We should be like one soul, aware of each other's joy and pain.
"Don't you ever hesitate to hurt me and tell me the whole truth, for it would hurt much more if you do"
12:30am - We went to bed after finishing some work on our howitzers.
2:30am - We were called up again. Special forces have set up an ambush. We had to be in full readiness and back them up, provide some cover if needed.
4:10am - We were released to bed.
6am - We were called up again to stay and sleep near the howitzers.
7:00am - Guarding duties.
8:30am - Military readiness, again.
10am - Special forces saw 2 gunmen approach them. They opened fire and hit one of them.
2nd July, 2005
Lucky for us, things have calmed down by Firday. On Saturday, we finally had some rest. I watched some movies, slept well at night and had a talk with Natalie.
She's so sweet! With each passing day I miss her more and more. It's so pleasant to hear her angelic voice, to hear her giggle.
Our relationship seems to be so perfect, yet there's always something that ruins it. The first incident was with Amir, her x-boyfriend. She met him and they've kissed... for a second. The 2nd incident was not less disturbing - Vadim is just some guy Natalie's been chatting with. One time they turned their webcams on and he started to masturbate in front of the camera. He asked her to take off her shirt to turn him on and she did. There was a bra underneath, but still! Not only did she watch him with interest, but she had also partially cooperated with him.
This has got to stop. It hurts me too much. She's always close to cheating on me, but I know that she wouldn't do something like that, would she?
Even if I feel like I'm madly in love with her, even if I'd love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life, I still can't live with betrayal.
I don't think that she could cheat on me, but I can't be sure. I'm afraid to be wrong.
I need her to reassure me, to promise me that it'll never happen. Natalie, my sweetheart, please...
Angel's left me to enjoy the freedom in the remaining 1.6 years in the army, to meet other girls and experience diffrent things in life. She'd also considered breaking up with me in that way. Perhaps it's the best way to break up with somebody in a long distance relationship without really hurting him too much... by doing it gradually.
She says she misses me, that she enjoys talking to me. I'm her best friend. She's mine too. It shouldn't be this way.. Natalie should be my best friend, and I'm hers.
I hope that we'll make a perfect couple one day. I don't give up her so easily. She's a potential human perfection.
28th June, 2005
If only I knew how hard this day was going to be, I'd have wished that I didn't wake up.
7:00-9:00 - Morning duties - Base cleaning? Not good enough. Punishment: Repeat at 12am.
10:00-13:00 - Guarding at the bunker.
13:00-13:30 - Lunch break.
13:30 - 17:45 - Reforming the whole base - moving stuff from one place to another, weeding, general cleaning and doing other things in preparation for the incoming VIPs. Minister of defense Shaul Mofaz, major general Dan Halutz and major general Benny Gantz.
Working in this heat made us very tired.
The press came - channels 10, 11 and 22, newspaper and radio journalists. Supervised by security officers, the military chiefs entered our briefing hall.
Each one of them spoke to us on his turn. They've said that we are currently the primary force in the northern border, the first to respond to Hezbollah's attacks in this region. Benny Gantz said that it is likely that we will engage in artillery fire during our stay here, and that the enemy may fire back on us. Mofaz said that he counts on us, that we look like good soldiers and an excellent regiment. During the upcoming Gaza strip's disengagement, it is most probable that Hezbollah would attempt to escalate the tensions in the northern border.
After the speechs they've asked us some questions. Then we had the opportunity to ask them.
One of my friends had asked Shaul Mofaz something about IDF's intel, giving him precise numbers and detailed explanation. Shaul Mofaz was quite impressed. He said that even he didn't know these details and then he offered my friend to become an officer. My friend thanked him but rejected the offer.
Benny gave us a few minutes to make a run to our howitzers and get ready to fire. Although we were located on the northern border, we could still turn our cannons 180 degrees and fire at military training fields in Israel.
On Benny's signal, we all took our m16's and ran as fast as we could. The 3 VIPs, accompanied by the press came by to watch us in action.
After a short whlie, they all left. Not an hour later, we were informed that there was some shooting at the northern border, in a base located on mount Hermon.
On the next hour we received an update - it was 2 soldiers who fired at the shooting range without proper orders and without informing anybody. False alarm...
It was around 8:30pm when we were called to the dining room for dinner. Filling my dish with fresh food, there was no better time for us to have some rest and eat some quality food.
As I was looking for a free table to sit, a loud voice announced: "Red alert! Red alert!"
There was a split-second that dozens of soldiers, sitting at the dining room were literally frozen in their seats. Then, everyone suddenly jumped up and started running out of the dining room as fast as they could. Food was flying in the air, chairs were being thrown down, causing some guys to stumble. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before!
(the exact words weren't really "Red alert" as you might guess, but it doesn't matter)
We were all in our howitzers ready for orders. Within the next minute, we were informed why we were here. A group of 5 armed subjects have crossed the blue line (the Israeli-Lebanese border) and are very close to one of Israel's forward-most bases. Special forces have set an ambush and were waiting for them to come.
We were sitting in our howitzers until 12:20am. Then some of the teams were released to their rooms, whle others stayed inside the vehicles in full military readiness.
While still wearing military uniform and boots, they had to sleep either next to the vehicles, or inside them. Dinner was brought outside - it was nothing but a chocolate drink "shoko" and 2 slices of watermelon for each one. The rest of the food was thrown away. Why?!
I went to my room and fell asleep... but 20 minutes later, one of the soldiers woke me up and told me that it was my turn to guard, from 1am until 4am. Thanks to the internet on my cellphone, I didn't fall asleep. After over 1.8 years in the army, I was no longer supposed to guard at night, but talking to the sergeant in charge didn't help. He said there weren't enough soldiers, that those who are in their vehicles could not guard.
At 4:30 I could finally asleep... until 6am. Matan woke us up and told us to come to our howitzer to sleep there. It was our turn to be in readiness. As much as I was tired, lying down on rocks in the light of the rising sun, I couldn't fall asleep.
29th June, 2005
A massive demonstration was about to take place in Israel. Thousands of settlers and their supporters would go out in the streets and block the roads. Some of our soldiers support the settlers, but as soldiers we are taught to put politics aside. We can discuss it with each other (not in public), but in the end we have to follow orders.
2 teams were going to be released home today. They all dressed up in their A-type uniforms, when the alarm sounded again. Everyone ran to their vehicles. We received a report that Hezbollah has attacked a base on mount Dov. My team was the first to be ready. We fired 4 shells for ranging calculations. The rest of the teams joined us later and fired shells on different targets across mount Dov.
The excitement was huge. A few cars with reporters and cameramen have gathered behind our base on the road uphill.
The 2 teams who were supposed to go home today had to forget about it. The bus didn't arrive at all.
They joined us, carrying shells and preparing the ammunition while still wearing their clean A-type uniforms.
Smoke was rising all over mount Dov. Hezbollah's mortar fire was quite massive. We could hear mortars falling non-stop one after the other. There were quiet moments sometimes, but most of the time the fighting was intense.
As a navigator, I was partially in charge of our howitzer's accuracy. It was tense, but fun nevertheless. The other teams fired most of the shells.
When we didn't have a firing objective, I opened up the news page on my cellphone and saw a picture of us firing. News travels fast, huh?
We saw a smoke rising near the city of Kiryat Shmona. All its citizens were asked to enter bombing shelters. In the end, it was a rocket that accidentally fell from an Israeli jet.
An hour later, IDF's special forces have located a Hezbollah's squad of militants who were on their way to infiltrate an Israeli base (to kill and kidnap soldiers). They opened fire on them. The militants returned fire and injured one of the soldiers. It was a doctor. As he was bleeding, he instructed the others how to treat him.
My team fired 3 smoke shells to cover their retreat. They were successfully evacuated by a helicopter. We could see a giant smoke rising up on top of the mountain. It had the form of a mushroom. This was photographed by reporters and was all over the newspapers the following day. They also showed us on the news the same evening. Everybody'd call their friends and family to turn on the TV and watch news.
Hezbollah had inflicted a direct hit on one of Israeli front bases. As a result, 1 soldier was killed and 2 others were lightly wounded. The Israeli air force bombed various Hezbollah targets in Lebanon - that's what the newspapers reported, barely mentioning us, the artillery.
By 9:30pm we were free to go and get some rest. I called Natalie. I informed her earlier that I was going to be on the news, but her brother didn't let her watch TV. She gets so upset because of her family and told me her parents always enslave her, yell at her and tell her how useless and stupid she is. They even said that they regret that she was ever born! How could normal parents say such things?! I can't believe this!
"What's the point of living? perhaps there's a better life for me on the other side. Nobody needs me. I can easily commit a suicide and end it all. I didn't fear cutting myself, I once even cut myself very close to he vein."
I told her that I really need her, that she's important to me and many other people. I know, nothing is compared to the love of a family. Everybody should have loving parents. Parents who don't love their children, don't deserve to have any children in the first place. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for children whose parents don't show them any love. It is ten times worse if parents tell their children they hate them and regret they were ever born.
Natalie deserves so much more than that. I wish there was something I could do for her. But apart from supporting her, being there and listening to her, I cannot do much. I can't interfere in their family problems.
But I can't keep seeing her like this, being torn apart, listening to her hopeless, pain-bearing voice and unable to do anything about it. At these moments, I'm willing to give up anything just to see her happy, to make all of her problems disappear.
I know that when I finish the army, everything is going to be so much better.
She says she doesn't commit suicide because of me. Angel once said the same.
I could hear her father in the background yelling at her... then he snatched the phone and hung up!
I called her again later. She kept telling me about all the terrible things her mother had said to her. How her brother once hit her in the stomach and that her dad thinks she's a failure. Could it be that she exaggerates? Maybe she's just having a bad mood and feels like the whole world hates her?
Is it possible that you misinterpret your folks? That was stupid of me to ask. Instead of supporting her, I'm being objective on this? She wanted to tell me some things, but changed her mind. She said she'd tell such things to Amir because he could really hear her out, support and comfort her, unlike me. Sigh. She had to go. She hung up.
It really hurt me to hear her say that. I can't make her happy whenever she's down, but Amir can?
I agree that there should always be a good friend to whom you could tell everything, someone who will always support you no matter what, but I also think that there should be no secrets or unknown details between two people who love each other. Hiding information from each other eventually form a base of misunderstandings and conflicts of various kinds.
We should be like one soul, aware of each other's joy and pain.
"Don't you ever hesitate to hurt me and tell me the whole truth, for it would hurt much more if you do"
12:30am - We went to bed after finishing some work on our howitzers.
2:30am - We were called up again. Special forces have set up an ambush. We had to be in full readiness and back them up, provide some cover if needed.
4:10am - We were released to bed.
6am - We were called up again to stay and sleep near the howitzers.
7:00am - Guarding duties.
8:30am - Military readiness, again.
10am - Special forces saw 2 gunmen approach them. They opened fire and hit one of them.
2nd July, 2005
Lucky for us, things have calmed down by Firday. On Saturday, we finally had some rest. I watched some movies, slept well at night and had a talk with Natalie.
She's so sweet! With each passing day I miss her more and more. It's so pleasant to hear her angelic voice, to hear her giggle.
Our relationship seems to be so perfect, yet there's always something that ruins it. The first incident was with Amir, her x-boyfriend. She met him and they've kissed... for a second. The 2nd incident was not less disturbing - Vadim is just some guy Natalie's been chatting with. One time they turned their webcams on and he started to masturbate in front of the camera. He asked her to take off her shirt to turn him on and she did. There was a bra underneath, but still! Not only did she watch him with interest, but she had also partially cooperated with him.
This has got to stop. It hurts me too much. She's always close to cheating on me, but I know that she wouldn't do something like that, would she?
Even if I feel like I'm madly in love with her, even if I'd love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life, I still can't live with betrayal.
I don't think that she could cheat on me, but I can't be sure. I'm afraid to be wrong.
I need her to reassure me, to promise me that it'll never happen. Natalie, my sweetheart, please...
Angel's left me to enjoy the freedom in the remaining 1.6 years in the army, to meet other girls and experience diffrent things in life. She'd also considered breaking up with me in that way. Perhaps it's the best way to break up with somebody in a long distance relationship without really hurting him too much... by doing it gradually.
She says she misses me, that she enjoys talking to me. I'm her best friend. She's mine too. It shouldn't be this way.. Natalie should be my best friend, and I'm hers.
I hope that we'll make a perfect couple one day. I don't give up her so easily. She's a potential human perfection.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Until we meet again
10th June, 2005
Natalie told me a story about Amir... They've made a bet. She told him he can't kiss a guy so he's decided to prove otherwise.
He met a gay guy somewhere in Arad and so he invited him on a date. They went to the cinema and after the movie was over they walked to his house and... they kissed and gave oral sex to each other. He told her they'd done everything except sex and that he's not even gay.
Yeah, sure he's not... like, any guy would do something like that, right? No!
12th June, 2005
Natalie works as a babysitter for one Israeli family near Weitzman st. in Givataim. The guy is over 40, he has a disabled wife and two 4-6 year old kids. Natalie comes over when they ask her to, whenever the parents wanna get some time away from their kids. But this is not the whole story... The thing is, this 40+ y.o. guy buys her presents, gives her tickets with special discounts... and he touches her whenever he drives her home, telling her about how sad and pathetic his life is. It really disgusts her, but she feels sorry for him and she really needs this work.
"He mustn't dare touching you. You should tell him to stop, and if he ever touches you again despite your warning it's sexual harassment. You go to the police and they would take care of it."
Is he going to try anything? She knows where he lives. She's 15. He could be put in jail for a long term...
Today Natalie had to go to work for 2 hours. "Will you wait for me? I'll do everything in 2 hours tops and then we could hang around some more."
Sure, why not? I pedaled my bike around the city, stopping for a drink. Then I decided to buy her a bouquet of roses. But since we were going to my place after she finishes work, I bought her a single rose so she wouldn't have to carry a whole bouquet throughout the city. I'll buy her a bouquet next time.
I wanted to surprise her... She will call up the elevator and when the doors open, I will be standing there, with a rose in my outstreched hand...
I was standing inside the elevator when someone pressed the button. 1st floor... 2nd floor... A stop! Wrong floor! I hid the rose behind my back. The door opened and a guy came in. He was probably surprised to see me standing in an elevator that just came up and was going back down. "You're going down?" he asked me. "Yes"
I decided to be smarter this time... She's on the 4th floor. If she comes out of the apartment I'll be able to hear it if I stand on the stairs and listen carefully.
I heard some noise, but before I could tell which floor it was coming from, the elevator closed and started to go up... to the 4th floor! Shit! I missed the opportunity!
Thinking fast, I thought it'd still be surprising if I go up to the first floor and call the elevator. She wouldn't expect to see me on the first floor, right?
I ran upstairs and pressed the button. The elevator door opened... I was about to give her the rose, but then I quickly hid it when I saw a woman standing there instead, holding a flowerpot in her hands. She thought it was the ground floor and almost went out of the elevator. I almost gave her the rose. I probably looked odd smiling at her, almost laughing there. I couldn't help it! I somehow entered the elevator and turned around without her seeing the rose. I didn't want myself to look even more odd...
The third time it had to be it. I was standing in the elevator. It went up to the 4th floor. The door opened and there she stood. She wasn't that surprised to see me... but when I gave her the rose, she literally melted. We hugged and kissed. Mission accomplished.
We arrived at my place and spent some good time together.
I had a chat with Angel. I told her everything about Natalie. She didn't get hurt. The opposite, she is happy for me and encourages me to keep it that way. She says she misses me and very often wishes that I was there with her. She also says that I'm the only person that really cares about her and that she'll always love me, even if it's just a little bit. Oh Angel... you'll always be a very special friend of mine...
13th June, 2005
We went to the beach tonight. It was so romantic walking in the sand together, feeling the breeze, holding hands and kissing. 2 days ago we did the same, only that we had very little time. Her mom is very strict. She never lets her hang out after 10pm. That means that we have to get going as early as 9:30pm, so 2 days ago we only had 1 hour at the beach.
After standing for an hour in Yotvata (there were no seats left!) and running after the damn waitresses so they could finally care enough to take our order and give us our drinks, we walked to the beach again.
A homeless guy asked me for money. I gave him 5 shekels. Later Natalie saw a guy selling roses. She said she wanted one. Then the guy came up to us and asked me if SHE wants a rose. That's their strategy, to make guys uncomfortable around their girlfriends and force them into buying a rose. "Sure, how much?" "20" For one rose?! At the store I bought it for 6 and he was now asking for 20. I looked inside my wallet, it looked like I didn't have enough.
She wasn't upset that I didn't buy her a rose, the opposite, she thought it wasn't worth the money.
We had great time at the beach and hard time parting.
I can't believe her parents. They're really annoying! They tell her to do things that they could easily do by themselves. She has to come home and do it whenever they tell her to. They use her! Her older brother does much less! She has to clean up after him. Her dad thinks that since she's the youngest in the family and since she's a female, she has to do all the work and start to get used to it!
What the?! She's nobody's slave!
She told me her parents plan to leave her here in Israel and go back to Moscow once she turns 18. Her dad and their relatives have an illegal business there of selling human organs. Natalie lived most of her live in Israel. She grew up here and she doesn't want to go back to Moscow. I'll gladly become her new family. =) But it's a long time until she turns 18...
24th June, 2005
Me and Natalie were spending time in the Azrieli towers. We ascended to the top, 49th floor of the building to enjoy the beautiful view of Tel-Aviv, when her mother called her and asked her to come home at once.
"to do what?" I asked in a slightly disappointed tone.
"to clean up the toilet" !!!
As if it can't wait! Her parents really freak me out... and there's nothing I can do about it. She's no less upset about it than I am. Besides, she's the one who has to live with them and bear it every single day.. and they never give her a break. Never.
Now I'm waiting downstairs... 40 minutes... Until she finishes cleaning up the toilet. They probably gave her some additional tasks. Her folks don't care that I'm waiting for her outside. I don't wanna be there and witness her being enslaved and humiliated. I've already heard them scream at her once. They give me the chills.
A woman has entered the building. She saw me sitting on the floor and writing this. She said it's not normal and asked me not to sit her like that again. She thought I was doing homework.
When Natalie finally came back, she was holding a stock of ads in her hands.
"What is that?" Another task that her folks have given her.
They wanna rent their parking spot. We were walking around the neighborhood, sticking ads. After 20 minutes she was sick of it. She threw them all away.
We took our bikes and headed to my place. Unfortunately, Natalie fell off the bike not far away from her home. She injured her knee and her elbow. It started bleeding so we hurried back to her place. So here I am again... sitting at the entrance, waiting for her to come down again after she treats her injuries and changes her clothes.
It's definitely not one of my best days. The same for her. *sigh*
Funny, isn't it? How great times sometimes seem to be so bad. I have a great girlfriend, we spend good time together. What can be better than that? I should really appreciate it!
We ate pizza and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the cinema. When we were back, we took a sit in the park beside her house.
I had 2 more days to spend with her before I go back to the army again. The artillery training is now over. We are being sent to the northern border on Monday. I don't know when I'll be back home again. It might even be 2-3 weeks.
She told me she has a lot of work on Sunday. I asked her to postpone her work to the evening, but she refused. She didn't want to disappoint her employer. I was upset - I was only going to see her until 2pm. She got upset too. She started crying. I hugged her and wiped her tears. "Everybody wants something from me. Everyday I have to give all of my time away, whether it's my parents telling me to do this and do that, whether it's Shachar (her employer) who asks me to come to work whenever he wants..." and sometimes it's me asking her to spend more time with me. "I don't even have time for myself, to read a book or watch TV." I couldn't believe I made her cry! It's the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I ever wanted. Nobody deserves her tears! She deserves so much more... :(
I feel that I love her and care about her so much, I want her to smile again and forget the very meaning of crying. I walked her home. We hugged and kissed. I told her I'll always be by her side. Even when I'm not around, my spirit will always be around whenever she needs me. I'll always support her and help her in any way that I can.
She walked towards the elevator and I walked out of the entrance door. As the door closed behind me, the time suddenly froze. I turned around to look at her once more and so did she... and although we've already said goodbye, at that exact moment there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat so fast, making me breathless. I ran back, entered the door code, opened it and ran as fast as I could, reaching out for her and holding her desprately in my arms. I kissed her passionately, perhaps a little too passionately because she banged her head on the wall. It was really funny.
That moment was so unforgettable. She told it to her dad, her dad told it to her grandma and her grandma then came to her later on and asked her absolutely seriously: what kind of boyfriend do you have that hits you like that, that bangs your head against the wall?
Geez, is all her family like that?
25th June, 2005
It's Saturday. We woke up early in the morning so we could go and spend some time at the beach before it gets too hot. I was at her neighborhood at 7am, waiting for her at the designated place.
7:10... 7:20... 7:30... where is she?! I headed up to her place and saw her and her mother come out of the elevator. She's always late because her parents ask her to do things all the time.
We were pedaling throughout the city on our way to the beach. Lucky we weren't that far from her home when I found out she didn't bring her swimsuit. She thought we weren't going to the beach after all. Sigh. Never mind. I can never ever be mad at her, no matter what she might do.
Driving around the city was fun. We found ourselves a nice shaded spot down at the beach. She didn't wanna go in the water because of her knee injury so we layed there on the beach and made out. After a short while I told her we should better stop, because people might be looking at us, but she assured me that there was no one who was paying attention to us.
After a while, when I was lying on top of her and kissing her, I could hear some old ladies mumbling: "look what they're doing in a public beach!" "shameless youth!" "if she were my niece, I would have choked her to death!" (Geez!) "Georgians would have stoned her for that kind of behavior!" "now she'll start stripping her clothes!" "there are more decent place for such things"
The old ladies wouldn't stop talking. They were right beside us and they didn't care if we heard them. In the end they asked us to stop. Ah, the hell with that!
Okay okay, I know that making out in the middle of a public beach isn't exactly appropriate, but it was, I'd say, quite a modest make-out. Besides, there are more polite ways to ask people not to do something.
They simply forgot what kind of things they were doing 50-60 years ago...
We went away, taking a walk across the beach. After eating at Burger Ranch, we headed to my place.
Some time later, her mother called her, asking her to watch a TV program about young teenagers who got pregnant. So we sat in the hall and watched it.
There was a 13 year old girl who has agreed to give away her already-born child to be raised by her mother. One girl was raped by her grandfather when she was 6. The odd thing about this, is that she got pregnant and the child died in the womb after a few weeks. The girl still doesn't know what exactly had happened to her. She cannot comprehend it.
Then the neglecting 'fathers' were interviewed. One kid said: "I don't wanna be a father. I have a future. A college to attend. What happened there is in the past now. She had pretty eyes, that I can tell."
It reminded me of what Natalie once told me... She said she met a guy named Oleg who had sex with a drunk girl and made her pregnant. She was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything and he didn't bother telling her about the incident because he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for that child.
This is so brutal! Irresponsible.
If I ever get Natalie pregnant, I'll take full responsibility for it. How can one ruin a girl's life like that? And it's not only a girl's life but a child's too...
Speaking of children. Me and Natalie have already thought about how we're gonna name our future children. Of course that's just out of fun. We don't plan to have any at least for the next... 5 years.
So children, if you read this, please don't be mad at us if we eventually named you differently or if you don't like those names, but here they are: Michelle, Chris, Lynn and Robin. Yeah, those are international names, because we both think you should live and grow up in a better place, or at least a more cultured one.
26th June, 2005
The sad feeling of an inevitable ending of this vacation grew stronger with each passing minute. Soldiers were walking around everywhere I looked. Argh.
I have one more day to spend time with her. I might as well do my best to enjoy it to the max.
We spent some time together until 2pm. Then we met again at 7pm in Wolfson park. There, sitting uphill we watched the sunset and kissed. After that we came to my place and the time just wouldn't slow down! At 1opm we had to part. We were standing on the road, waiting for her taxi. She'd begged me to stay and not go to the army. She was almost crying. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't stop holding her... I didn't want it to end again. But it had to be done eventually.
The taxi has arrived, but it was kind enough to wait until we finished kissing for one last time.. until we meet again.
When the cab left, she turned around and kept looking at me until I was out of sight. I stood there and looked back at her, watching her divine presence slowly fading away. I kept standing there for another minute. My eyes were wet from tears.
Till next time, my love. Until we meet again.
10th June, 2005
Natalie told me a story about Amir... They've made a bet. She told him he can't kiss a guy so he's decided to prove otherwise.
He met a gay guy somewhere in Arad and so he invited him on a date. They went to the cinema and after the movie was over they walked to his house and... they kissed and gave oral sex to each other. He told her they'd done everything except sex and that he's not even gay.
Yeah, sure he's not... like, any guy would do something like that, right? No!
12th June, 2005
Natalie works as a babysitter for one Israeli family near Weitzman st. in Givataim. The guy is over 40, he has a disabled wife and two 4-6 year old kids. Natalie comes over when they ask her to, whenever the parents wanna get some time away from their kids. But this is not the whole story... The thing is, this 40+ y.o. guy buys her presents, gives her tickets with special discounts... and he touches her whenever he drives her home, telling her about how sad and pathetic his life is. It really disgusts her, but she feels sorry for him and she really needs this work.
"He mustn't dare touching you. You should tell him to stop, and if he ever touches you again despite your warning it's sexual harassment. You go to the police and they would take care of it."
Is he going to try anything? She knows where he lives. She's 15. He could be put in jail for a long term...
Today Natalie had to go to work for 2 hours. "Will you wait for me? I'll do everything in 2 hours tops and then we could hang around some more."
Sure, why not? I pedaled my bike around the city, stopping for a drink. Then I decided to buy her a bouquet of roses. But since we were going to my place after she finishes work, I bought her a single rose so she wouldn't have to carry a whole bouquet throughout the city. I'll buy her a bouquet next time.
I wanted to surprise her... She will call up the elevator and when the doors open, I will be standing there, with a rose in my outstreched hand...
I was standing inside the elevator when someone pressed the button. 1st floor... 2nd floor... A stop! Wrong floor! I hid the rose behind my back. The door opened and a guy came in. He was probably surprised to see me standing in an elevator that just came up and was going back down. "You're going down?" he asked me. "Yes"
I decided to be smarter this time... She's on the 4th floor. If she comes out of the apartment I'll be able to hear it if I stand on the stairs and listen carefully.
I heard some noise, but before I could tell which floor it was coming from, the elevator closed and started to go up... to the 4th floor! Shit! I missed the opportunity!
Thinking fast, I thought it'd still be surprising if I go up to the first floor and call the elevator. She wouldn't expect to see me on the first floor, right?
I ran upstairs and pressed the button. The elevator door opened... I was about to give her the rose, but then I quickly hid it when I saw a woman standing there instead, holding a flowerpot in her hands. She thought it was the ground floor and almost went out of the elevator. I almost gave her the rose. I probably looked odd smiling at her, almost laughing there. I couldn't help it! I somehow entered the elevator and turned around without her seeing the rose. I didn't want myself to look even more odd...
The third time it had to be it. I was standing in the elevator. It went up to the 4th floor. The door opened and there she stood. She wasn't that surprised to see me... but when I gave her the rose, she literally melted. We hugged and kissed. Mission accomplished.
We arrived at my place and spent some good time together.
I had a chat with Angel. I told her everything about Natalie. She didn't get hurt. The opposite, she is happy for me and encourages me to keep it that way. She says she misses me and very often wishes that I was there with her. She also says that I'm the only person that really cares about her and that she'll always love me, even if it's just a little bit. Oh Angel... you'll always be a very special friend of mine...
13th June, 2005
We went to the beach tonight. It was so romantic walking in the sand together, feeling the breeze, holding hands and kissing. 2 days ago we did the same, only that we had very little time. Her mom is very strict. She never lets her hang out after 10pm. That means that we have to get going as early as 9:30pm, so 2 days ago we only had 1 hour at the beach.
After standing for an hour in Yotvata (there were no seats left!) and running after the damn waitresses so they could finally care enough to take our order and give us our drinks, we walked to the beach again.
A homeless guy asked me for money. I gave him 5 shekels. Later Natalie saw a guy selling roses. She said she wanted one. Then the guy came up to us and asked me if SHE wants a rose. That's their strategy, to make guys uncomfortable around their girlfriends and force them into buying a rose. "Sure, how much?" "20" For one rose?! At the store I bought it for 6 and he was now asking for 20. I looked inside my wallet, it looked like I didn't have enough.
She wasn't upset that I didn't buy her a rose, the opposite, she thought it wasn't worth the money.
We had great time at the beach and hard time parting.
I can't believe her parents. They're really annoying! They tell her to do things that they could easily do by themselves. She has to come home and do it whenever they tell her to. They use her! Her older brother does much less! She has to clean up after him. Her dad thinks that since she's the youngest in the family and since she's a female, she has to do all the work and start to get used to it!
What the?! She's nobody's slave!
She told me her parents plan to leave her here in Israel and go back to Moscow once she turns 18. Her dad and their relatives have an illegal business there of selling human organs. Natalie lived most of her live in Israel. She grew up here and she doesn't want to go back to Moscow. I'll gladly become her new family. =) But it's a long time until she turns 18...
24th June, 2005
Me and Natalie were spending time in the Azrieli towers. We ascended to the top, 49th floor of the building to enjoy the beautiful view of Tel-Aviv, when her mother called her and asked her to come home at once.
"to do what?" I asked in a slightly disappointed tone.
"to clean up the toilet" !!!
As if it can't wait! Her parents really freak me out... and there's nothing I can do about it. She's no less upset about it than I am. Besides, she's the one who has to live with them and bear it every single day.. and they never give her a break. Never.
Now I'm waiting downstairs... 40 minutes... Until she finishes cleaning up the toilet. They probably gave her some additional tasks. Her folks don't care that I'm waiting for her outside. I don't wanna be there and witness her being enslaved and humiliated. I've already heard them scream at her once. They give me the chills.
A woman has entered the building. She saw me sitting on the floor and writing this. She said it's not normal and asked me not to sit her like that again. She thought I was doing homework.
When Natalie finally came back, she was holding a stock of ads in her hands.
"What is that?" Another task that her folks have given her.
They wanna rent their parking spot. We were walking around the neighborhood, sticking ads. After 20 minutes she was sick of it. She threw them all away.
We took our bikes and headed to my place. Unfortunately, Natalie fell off the bike not far away from her home. She injured her knee and her elbow. It started bleeding so we hurried back to her place. So here I am again... sitting at the entrance, waiting for her to come down again after she treats her injuries and changes her clothes.
It's definitely not one of my best days. The same for her. *sigh*
Funny, isn't it? How great times sometimes seem to be so bad. I have a great girlfriend, we spend good time together. What can be better than that? I should really appreciate it!
We ate pizza and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the cinema. When we were back, we took a sit in the park beside her house.
I had 2 more days to spend with her before I go back to the army again. The artillery training is now over. We are being sent to the northern border on Monday. I don't know when I'll be back home again. It might even be 2-3 weeks.
She told me she has a lot of work on Sunday. I asked her to postpone her work to the evening, but she refused. She didn't want to disappoint her employer. I was upset - I was only going to see her until 2pm. She got upset too. She started crying. I hugged her and wiped her tears. "Everybody wants something from me. Everyday I have to give all of my time away, whether it's my parents telling me to do this and do that, whether it's Shachar (her employer) who asks me to come to work whenever he wants..." and sometimes it's me asking her to spend more time with me. "I don't even have time for myself, to read a book or watch TV." I couldn't believe I made her cry! It's the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I ever wanted. Nobody deserves her tears! She deserves so much more... :(
I feel that I love her and care about her so much, I want her to smile again and forget the very meaning of crying. I walked her home. We hugged and kissed. I told her I'll always be by her side. Even when I'm not around, my spirit will always be around whenever she needs me. I'll always support her and help her in any way that I can.
She walked towards the elevator and I walked out of the entrance door. As the door closed behind me, the time suddenly froze. I turned around to look at her once more and so did she... and although we've already said goodbye, at that exact moment there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat so fast, making me breathless. I ran back, entered the door code, opened it and ran as fast as I could, reaching out for her and holding her desprately in my arms. I kissed her passionately, perhaps a little too passionately because she banged her head on the wall. It was really funny.
That moment was so unforgettable. She told it to her dad, her dad told it to her grandma and her grandma then came to her later on and asked her absolutely seriously: what kind of boyfriend do you have that hits you like that, that bangs your head against the wall?
Geez, is all her family like that?
25th June, 2005
It's Saturday. We woke up early in the morning so we could go and spend some time at the beach before it gets too hot. I was at her neighborhood at 7am, waiting for her at the designated place.
7:10... 7:20... 7:30... where is she?! I headed up to her place and saw her and her mother come out of the elevator. She's always late because her parents ask her to do things all the time.
We were pedaling throughout the city on our way to the beach. Lucky we weren't that far from her home when I found out she didn't bring her swimsuit. She thought we weren't going to the beach after all. Sigh. Never mind. I can never ever be mad at her, no matter what she might do.
Driving around the city was fun. We found ourselves a nice shaded spot down at the beach. She didn't wanna go in the water because of her knee injury so we layed there on the beach and made out. After a short while I told her we should better stop, because people might be looking at us, but she assured me that there was no one who was paying attention to us.
After a while, when I was lying on top of her and kissing her, I could hear some old ladies mumbling: "look what they're doing in a public beach!" "shameless youth!" "if she were my niece, I would have choked her to death!" (Geez!) "Georgians would have stoned her for that kind of behavior!" "now she'll start stripping her clothes!" "there are more decent place for such things"
The old ladies wouldn't stop talking. They were right beside us and they didn't care if we heard them. In the end they asked us to stop. Ah, the hell with that!
Okay okay, I know that making out in the middle of a public beach isn't exactly appropriate, but it was, I'd say, quite a modest make-out. Besides, there are more polite ways to ask people not to do something.
They simply forgot what kind of things they were doing 50-60 years ago...
We went away, taking a walk across the beach. After eating at Burger Ranch, we headed to my place.
Some time later, her mother called her, asking her to watch a TV program about young teenagers who got pregnant. So we sat in the hall and watched it.
There was a 13 year old girl who has agreed to give away her already-born child to be raised by her mother. One girl was raped by her grandfather when she was 6. The odd thing about this, is that she got pregnant and the child died in the womb after a few weeks. The girl still doesn't know what exactly had happened to her. She cannot comprehend it.
Then the neglecting 'fathers' were interviewed. One kid said: "I don't wanna be a father. I have a future. A college to attend. What happened there is in the past now. She had pretty eyes, that I can tell."
It reminded me of what Natalie once told me... She said she met a guy named Oleg who had sex with a drunk girl and made her pregnant. She was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything and he didn't bother telling her about the incident because he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for that child.
This is so brutal! Irresponsible.
If I ever get Natalie pregnant, I'll take full responsibility for it. How can one ruin a girl's life like that? And it's not only a girl's life but a child's too...
Speaking of children. Me and Natalie have already thought about how we're gonna name our future children. Of course that's just out of fun. We don't plan to have any at least for the next... 5 years.
So children, if you read this, please don't be mad at us if we eventually named you differently or if you don't like those names, but here they are: Michelle, Chris, Lynn and Robin. Yeah, those are international names, because we both think you should live and grow up in a better place, or at least a more cultured one.
26th June, 2005
The sad feeling of an inevitable ending of this vacation grew stronger with each passing minute. Soldiers were walking around everywhere I looked. Argh.
I have one more day to spend time with her. I might as well do my best to enjoy it to the max.
We spent some time together until 2pm. Then we met again at 7pm in Wolfson park. There, sitting uphill we watched the sunset and kissed. After that we came to my place and the time just wouldn't slow down! At 1opm we had to part. We were standing on the road, waiting for her taxi. She'd begged me to stay and not go to the army. She was almost crying. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't stop holding her... I didn't want it to end again. But it had to be done eventually.
The taxi has arrived, but it was kind enough to wait until we finished kissing for one last time.. until we meet again.
When the cab left, she turned around and kept looking at me until I was out of sight. I stood there and looked back at her, watching her divine presence slowly fading away. I kept standing there for another minute. My eyes were wet from tears.
Till next time, my love. Until we meet again.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Making the right decision
13th April, 2005
We had a date today. She looks even better in life than on those pictures she sent me. She said the opposite about me, lol. But it doesn't matter, because within an hour it was obvious that she likes me.
She must be the prettiest girl that I've dated so far. Unfortunately, it reflects on her character. She knows that she's pretty. Complementing her usually triggers the same reaction: "gosh, you're like the 100th guy that tells me that!"
Putting that aside, she is an adorable dark-green eyed brunette, reminding me a bit of Katie Holmes.
At some point on our first date we were sitting at her place in the hall, watching TV together. This was it. Goodbye Angel. I kissed her lips... Within no time, we became a couple.
* * * * * The next 10 weeks were all about battery reorganization and intensive artillery training. In June, we were scheduled to be sent to the Lebanese border to the most active artillery base in Israel - The first to response to Hezbollah's attacks in that region. We had to do our best, especially when all the high-ranking officers came to watch us demonstrate our capabilities of accuracy and professionalism.
The best thing about those 10 weeks was that we were released home almost every weekend. I spent most of my free time with Natalie, and I don't think I could've spent it better than that!
But on the other hand, I barely had any time for myself, my family and friends, and there were times I was glad to stay home instead of dating her, even though dating her has always been the best option.
I told her about Angel and she told me about her x-boyfriend, Amir. He was her first love. He broke up with her a month before we met, telling her she was too perfect for him.
What a coincidence - he lives in Arad where I spent 10 years of my childhood. Strangely enough, even though he's my age and we've lived in the same town for 10 years, I've never met the guy.
She really hated it that a guy dared to broke up with her, but a part of her still loved him or so it seemed. And a part of me still loved Angel.
Natalie was obviously concerned by that. I wasn't ready to give up on Angel completely, but Natalie didn't want to be some temporary girlfriend of mine. She was right. I needed more time to make that decision...
28th May, 2005
This week's been the greatest, ever! Our regiment had a 3-day vacation in Eilat. Everyone had a great time there, except maybe for those who got drunk and were back in the hotel after the deadline - they were sent straight to our home base in the Golan Heights. What a long trip that was for them. Lol.
Today me and Natalie spent some time at my father's place in Ashqelon. He rents a room right next to the beach. Actually, he lends it to 2 guys who pay him the rent, but today he's arranged the flat for me and Natalie. The 2 guys had to go for some business.
Finally, after over a month, we were about to have some real privacy for the first time...
We've had great time together, at least until one of the guys suddenly returned. He returned at the worst timing ever! But we were careful enough to have the door locked. Although the guy was paying the rent and had the full rights to stay at his apartment, we'd hoped he would be tactful enough to leave within a few minutes. But he decided to stay... Instead of waiting for him to leave, me and Natalie went to to the swimming pool. When we came back, he was dozing off in the bedroom! Argh!
We locked ourselves up in the bathroom, trying to get some privacy there, but then the guy woke up and tried to get inside!! Argh!
9th June, 2005
While I was in the army, Amir, her x-boyfriend, visited her. At first, she was with her friend Alina, but when Alina left, the two of them found themselves alone in her flat. Unable to fight her temptations, she came closer to him, as close as one could... and then their lips touched. They kissed.
Amir told her he doesn't want her to cheat on me, that it wouldn't be fair. So they stopped.
On the following day I was notified about this and I couldn't help but feeling hurt. When I met her at the same day, she started talking about him. She wanted to tell me how she feels, even though she felt bad about it. She says she still likes him and thinks about him often. When she's with him, she completely forgets about my existence and she can't help it. According to her, Amir is a non-separable part of her life.
It's only so because she still has feelings for him. It's either me or him, she must make a choice.
Later that day when I was at her place, she'd hidden her ICQ conversation with Amir and told me I wasn't allowed to read it.
When she was called to eat dinner, I couldn't fight my curiosity. I found him in her contact list and opened up the history log.
Yesterday's chat:
Natalie: "It was so emotionless what we did today, the next time I expect more of you."
Amir: "But it would be unfair to him. Would you really do that when he's in the army?"
Natalie: "He won't have to know about that. Besides, who knows? Maybe he's meeting other girls in the army... althought I don't think so."
Amir: "Me neither."
Natalie: "I love you, it's crazy"
Later she denied that she loves him. "I like him, that's all". She said she's never hidden anything from me. She always told me everything there was to tell.
How can I believe her after what I've just read?!
Later on that day, we've spent some good together and for a while there, it felt like Amir doesn't even exist. But he does, doesn't he?
I told her I don't want her to meet him again. It would only make things worse, but she said she wants to meet him, that she can't go on without him, she needs him. She wants him to be a good friend, not a lover. But she's afraid she can't control it.
He keeps flirting with her, telling her that he regrets leaving her 2 months ago and pursuing some other girl.
I'm not giving up on her. I know life's never that simple. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't wanna end it.
But she has to choose! Who will it be, a guy who lives far away in Arad, who's dumped her for another girl, or me?
I sure hope she's gonna make the right choice...
13th April, 2005
We had a date today. She looks even better in life than on those pictures she sent me. She said the opposite about me, lol. But it doesn't matter, because within an hour it was obvious that she likes me.
She must be the prettiest girl that I've dated so far. Unfortunately, it reflects on her character. She knows that she's pretty. Complementing her usually triggers the same reaction: "gosh, you're like the 100th guy that tells me that!"
Putting that aside, she is an adorable dark-green eyed brunette, reminding me a bit of Katie Holmes.
At some point on our first date we were sitting at her place in the hall, watching TV together. This was it. Goodbye Angel. I kissed her lips... Within no time, we became a couple.
The best thing about those 10 weeks was that we were released home almost every weekend. I spent most of my free time with Natalie, and I don't think I could've spent it better than that!
But on the other hand, I barely had any time for myself, my family and friends, and there were times I was glad to stay home instead of dating her, even though dating her has always been the best option.
I told her about Angel and she told me about her x-boyfriend, Amir. He was her first love. He broke up with her a month before we met, telling her she was too perfect for him.
What a coincidence - he lives in Arad where I spent 10 years of my childhood. Strangely enough, even though he's my age and we've lived in the same town for 10 years, I've never met the guy.
She really hated it that a guy dared to broke up with her, but a part of her still loved him or so it seemed. And a part of me still loved Angel.
Natalie was obviously concerned by that. I wasn't ready to give up on Angel completely, but Natalie didn't want to be some temporary girlfriend of mine. She was right. I needed more time to make that decision...
28th May, 2005
This week's been the greatest, ever! Our regiment had a 3-day vacation in Eilat. Everyone had a great time there, except maybe for those who got drunk and were back in the hotel after the deadline - they were sent straight to our home base in the Golan Heights. What a long trip that was for them. Lol.
Today me and Natalie spent some time at my father's place in Ashqelon. He rents a room right next to the beach. Actually, he lends it to 2 guys who pay him the rent, but today he's arranged the flat for me and Natalie. The 2 guys had to go for some business.
Finally, after over a month, we were about to have some real privacy for the first time...
We've had great time together, at least until one of the guys suddenly returned. He returned at the worst timing ever! But we were careful enough to have the door locked. Although the guy was paying the rent and had the full rights to stay at his apartment, we'd hoped he would be tactful enough to leave within a few minutes. But he decided to stay... Instead of waiting for him to leave, me and Natalie went to to the swimming pool. When we came back, he was dozing off in the bedroom! Argh!
We locked ourselves up in the bathroom, trying to get some privacy there, but then the guy woke up and tried to get inside!! Argh!
9th June, 2005
While I was in the army, Amir, her x-boyfriend, visited her. At first, she was with her friend Alina, but when Alina left, the two of them found themselves alone in her flat. Unable to fight her temptations, she came closer to him, as close as one could... and then their lips touched. They kissed.
Amir told her he doesn't want her to cheat on me, that it wouldn't be fair. So they stopped.
On the following day I was notified about this and I couldn't help but feeling hurt. When I met her at the same day, she started talking about him. She wanted to tell me how she feels, even though she felt bad about it. She says she still likes him and thinks about him often. When she's with him, she completely forgets about my existence and she can't help it. According to her, Amir is a non-separable part of her life.
It's only so because she still has feelings for him. It's either me or him, she must make a choice.
Later that day when I was at her place, she'd hidden her ICQ conversation with Amir and told me I wasn't allowed to read it.
When she was called to eat dinner, I couldn't fight my curiosity. I found him in her contact list and opened up the history log.
Yesterday's chat:
Natalie: "It was so emotionless what we did today, the next time I expect more of you."
Amir: "But it would be unfair to him. Would you really do that when he's in the army?"
Natalie: "He won't have to know about that. Besides, who knows? Maybe he's meeting other girls in the army... althought I don't think so."
Amir: "Me neither."
Natalie: "I love you, it's crazy"
Later she denied that she loves him. "I like him, that's all". She said she's never hidden anything from me. She always told me everything there was to tell.
How can I believe her after what I've just read?!
Later on that day, we've spent some good together and for a while there, it felt like Amir doesn't even exist. But he does, doesn't he?
I told her I don't want her to meet him again. It would only make things worse, but she said she wants to meet him, that she can't go on without him, she needs him. She wants him to be a good friend, not a lover. But she's afraid she can't control it.
He keeps flirting with her, telling her that he regrets leaving her 2 months ago and pursuing some other girl.
I'm not giving up on her. I know life's never that simple. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't wanna end it.
But she has to choose! Who will it be, a guy who lives far away in Arad, who's dumped her for another girl, or me?
I sure hope she's gonna make the right choice...
Saturday, September 08, 2007
One day I will prove its existence
23th March, 2005
I got myself a new cellphone. It's Nokia 3100. Now I can surf the Net for free, download games and read stuff instead of getting bored while on guarding duties.
3 peaceful weeks in the northern Israeli-Jordanian border near the sea of Gallilee (Kineret).
It's been 4 months now and new soldiers have joined our battery. Soldiers from Aug' 04. Once they joined our battery, Aug '03 got their first privileges. Aug '03 that's me. Now that we're 1.8 years in the army, we no longer have any regular guarding duties at nights - no guarding at the gate, the bunker, watchtowers or any of that kind. We also no longer work in the kitchen. That's quite an upgrade.
I also stopped performing most of the cleaning duties, like cleaning the toilets and such. There are younger soldiers for that now.
It is a custom in combat corps that younger soldiers respect the older ones. If there are soldiers at least 1 year 'younger' than you, they should show you some respect. But you know what they say about new generations - the present generation is more spoiled than its predecessor.
Slowly but steadily, the gap between seniors and juniors becomes smaller. Treatment becomes equal and with it, the privileges become obsolete. This is bad, because young soldiers need something to strive for. They want to be sure that if they get a job at the battery or when they're 2.4 years in the army, they'll have their own room, they'll guard less, be released home more often and so on. If you take that away from them, people might lose their motivation. They don't have much motivation anyway.
* * * * *
Our main base here is located on a mountain, quite close to the border. There's a beautiful view of the valley from up here.
This is one thing I really owe the army for. You get to see so many beautiful places. Even the sky becomes so beautiful once you have all the time in the world to look at it, when you're behind a metal fence that stands between you and the free world that teases you right in front of your eyes.
The moment we got here, 2 teams have been released home for the weekend. Me and a few others were sent to Hamat Gader. It's a popular hot springs resort in Israel. The younger soldiers guard at the watchtowers surrounding the resort. Me and some others are assigned on truck patrols. They're open vehicles with machine guns on both sides. At night, it gets really cold to sit in an open truck for about 8 hours. We patrol along the border, sometimes stop at a pub on route 90. Things are very quiet out here, but we stay put anyway. Apart from patrols, I also guard at the communications room. It's my first time sitting at the comm. room, being in charge of delivering information and directing the forces in case of emergency.
31st March, 2005
It's my team's turn to be released home. Unfortunately, not all soldiers could be released home, due to lack of manpower. Apart from Aug '04 soldiers, one guy from my team had to stay. I volunteered to stay back in November, when it was either me or Nitzan. Now it was obviously Nitzan's turn. Matan had told him that he was chosen to stay, but Nitzan managed to work his way out of this. He said he's got problems at home. The officers approved his excuse and Matan had no choice but to choose someone else. He was really angry at Nitzan but could do nothing about it. He chose Daniel, again. Daniel was eager to get home this weekend. He was at the roof of the barracks, a guarding post. The barracks used to be a hotel before 1967, now it's completely abandoned. When Daniel received the bad news, he asked Matan "Why me?", to what Matan foolishly answered: "because you're disciplined and responsible." Oh really? That really sounded fair! It pissed Daniel off. If he was disciplined and responsible until now, he'd change his attitude. In fact, he's changed his attitude back in January, when he was punished on his very birthday and wasn't released home after being caught falling asleep while on duty. He'd hoped they would give him a day or two of detention or that they'd postpone the punishment to his next release home, but they grounded him on his birthday and ruined all his plans. That day he'd lost trust to Michael, our platoon's officer. He learned to hate most of the commanders and whoever's in charge of things. Within no time, he became quite rebellious. Too bad. He's a good guy who really gave his 100% to our battery. He's my best friend, which is what made me look rebellious sometimes as well. Honestly, that part about our friendship is something that I didn't like that much.
25th March, 2005
Today happened something I had never really expected.
While guarding at the comm room, I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it over and over again. I wish I had remembered the exact words, that I had saved it somewhere. But I don't know if it matters, really. The general concept of this message is forever carved in my memory.
But before that, I'd like to share some of our SMS messages that I wrote on paper, before losing the cellphone. It didn't have enough memory to store all of the messages, so I wrote the best ones on paper so I'd never forget them.
Me: "*Kiss* Count all the stars in the universe - that is how much I love you. Forever in your arms, K." (10th December 2003)
Me: "As I ride the bus to the base, beautiful landscapes are revealed beyond the window... and I keep thinking of you, my Angel. I know that in no time, we'll meet. Love you, K." (13th December 2003)
Me: "My magical angel. I'd do everything it takes to be with you this summer. We'll meet this summer - it's a promise! I kept thinking of you throughout all the training..." (13th December 2003)
Angel: "Hi my dear. I'll do anything to be with you together, too. I even would sell my soul to see you at least for one minute! I love you so much. I'd come to you at once if I could. *Kiss*" (13th December 2003)
Me: "Angel, my dear girlfriend, you have no idea how AMAZING you are! I love you with all of my heart and I'll never let you go. *Kiss* I'm holding you now in my arms. Love you." (December 2003)
Angel: "I know you're sleeping already. I wish I could be in your arms now, feel your warmth & safety. I feel so alone at the moment and I can't tell you how much I miss you. Love you." (December 2003)
Angel: "I'm so glad to be your girlfriend! ^o^ It makes me feel that I can create everything. I love you more than I could say. Let's be together forever. *Kiss*" (December 2003)
Angel: "Hi my dreamstar. I nearly can't hold myself. I'd take the next flight to you if I could. I'd like to runaway immediately now. I miss you so much. I love you honey. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)
Angel: "I know I'll love you forever too. Why can't we just runaway and start a new life? I'd like to do that so much. Oh honey, I can't tell you how much I miss you. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)
Angel: "Today morning, when I went to the bus stop, I looked up to the sky. I only saw 1 star. It reminded me of you. That you will always be my following star. I love
you so much. *Kiss*" (22nd December, 2003)
Angel: "Hi honey. I love you so much, too. And I really thought about running away to you just to be in your arms. I still play with the thought of running away. I love you too much to stay here.." (26th December, 2003)
Angel: "It's the same with me. I almost can't hold myself back. I don't know what I should do anymore. I think my heart winning very soon. I can tell you. I love you so extremely." (26th December, 2003)
There are about 40 additional messages, but I don't know if that'd be interesting to read.
1.8 years in the army and I've seen hundreds if not thousands of attractive girls. Some of them were more than just attractive. Especially at the roadblocks I couldn't help but notice dozens of nice girls each day. Not once did they make me think about what I'm doing, about my choices. Is it the right thing to do, to spend 3 years of my life waiting for someone? But she's not just someone, she's very special.
Do you think I'll never find anyone like her ever again? Is she really that special or is it love that makes me so blind?
I must not hesitate. It would be a shame to waste a few years believing in one thing, then changing your mind. I needed to make that decision and I needed to make it as soon as possible. It was a year ago, before I flew to Germany, that I decided once and for all to stay with her, telling myself that I may never know what I'd lost if I broke up with her.
What if I never find anyone like her ever again? I'll remember her so perfect and amazing and all that and I might never know if I did the right thing or not. If we stay together, if we meet and get to know each other in real life, then I'll know better if she's really the one for me. I won't leave her unless I'm fully convinced that we're not made for each other. Yep, I'm going with this until the very end!
That way I will prove to myself that with enough determination, people can actually stay loyal to each other despite the surrounding temptations. If we only learn to appreciate what we have...
Choosing one over many is a huge sacrifice for all of us. We give up so many opportunities just for something that we think is worth more, much more.
It may indeed be so priceless, especially if the person we give up everything for does the same thing for us.
On 25th March, her e-mail read: I'm sorry honey, I hope you're not mad at me, but I think we should take a break from each other. I mean, we could date other people. You don't have to wait for me, you could see other girls and feel free to do anything you want.
It wasn't really a break up, or at least not a directly implied one. She didn't plan to date any guys, just girls. She liked some girls and probably wanted the freedom to explore and experience that new aspect of her life.
Do you think that in a year and a half we'll be together? She didn't have a straight answer to that. She didn't want me to wait for her all this time, she wanted me to have fun and she wanted to have fun too.
As tempting as it might have sounded, I didn't want to date any girls if I was going to lose her in the end. But regardless of whether I date other girls or not, what is the guarantee that we'll be together in a year and a half?
She told me not to wait...
Does it mean that she no longer loves me?
Things have clearly become different now. It was time for a new phase in our lives.
On one hand, I felt like I broke a thousand heavy chains, that new roads have opened ahead of me with unlimited opportunities. On the other hand, I was so upset and angry that things have come to this. After all that we've been through, now she gives up?!
She's the one that wanted it so much when we first met. I guess 2 years is a lot of time. People always change. However, when two people truly love each other, nothing in the world should ever stand between them.
I kept telling everyone that they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know the meaning of true love. They can laugh all they want for all I care, but in the end I'm going to be the one to have the best relationship there could ever be. I was going to prove it to them.
I was so upset. I was in so much despair, that I felt like I would go to a prostitute the moment I get home! No, I would never do that. But at that moment, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.
She was the only person that really cared about me, or so I thought. Now it felt like I was all by myself again.
1st April, 2005
I was released home. I needed to find myself some girl fast! I started looking at dating sites, talking to different girls on ICQ. It's always exciting to meet someone new, to have a new relationship in your life.
I found 4 interesting girls to talk with. One of them was particularly interested in me. She's from Tel Aviv, the closest to me. I found her in ICQ People Search. That stupid search doesn't allow you to search people by custom age. Even when you specify 18-22, it gives you the wrong results. The best thing to do was search by country, gender, language and 'online only' and then check the profile of every result found, where you could see their age.
But then the ICQ server stopped responding and returned an error message whenever I tried to check the profiles. Frustrated, I started messaging every girl, regardless of their age. One of them was Natalie.
After a short conversation, we exchanged pictures. While the pictures were being sent to each other, I found out how old she is... She was just turning 15! Forget it...
But then I checked out her picture and it was like "Oh my God!". To add to that, she liked me too. Ummm... don't you think she's too young for you? I decided to keep talking to her, find out if she's still childish and all that.
She didn't seem to.
There's one thing that really I like in girls... it's innocence. Angel's never had a boyfriend before, she's never kissed, never fell in love. That is one reason why she was so over the head when she fell in love with me. Many girls at my age are no longer romantic. They've been disappointed by love, they've had their hearts broken, they've experienced things I myself have never experienced... But don't think that I'm some sort of a pedophile. There's a limit to it. I'm 19 and a half and she turns 15 now. I guess 16.5-17 is the minimum, but a 15 could be a one-time exception in this case. At least it's worth a try, isn't it?
I talked to her on Saturday night. The next morning I came back to the army. We've been talking on the phone a lot and it's been exceptionally fun. She's not THAT innocent - she once got drunk, she tried some drugs, but that's her 'past'. She says she's not like that anymore.
I'm skeptic about this, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway.
We plan to meet when I'm released home again... Am I ready for a new relationship? Only time will tell.
I still love Angel very much. I don't think she gave up on me either. Maybe she needs some time off to clear her head?
As I've said, only time will tell...
23th March, 2005
I got myself a new cellphone. It's Nokia 3100. Now I can surf the Net for free, download games and read stuff instead of getting bored while on guarding duties.
3 peaceful weeks in the northern Israeli-Jordanian border near the sea of Gallilee (Kineret).
It's been 4 months now and new soldiers have joined our battery. Soldiers from Aug' 04. Once they joined our battery, Aug '03 got their first privileges. Aug '03 that's me. Now that we're 1.8 years in the army, we no longer have any regular guarding duties at nights - no guarding at the gate, the bunker, watchtowers or any of that kind. We also no longer work in the kitchen. That's quite an upgrade.
I also stopped performing most of the cleaning duties, like cleaning the toilets and such. There are younger soldiers for that now.
It is a custom in combat corps that younger soldiers respect the older ones. If there are soldiers at least 1 year 'younger' than you, they should show you some respect. But you know what they say about new generations - the present generation is more spoiled than its predecessor.
Slowly but steadily, the gap between seniors and juniors becomes smaller. Treatment becomes equal and with it, the privileges become obsolete. This is bad, because young soldiers need something to strive for. They want to be sure that if they get a job at the battery or when they're 2.4 years in the army, they'll have their own room, they'll guard less, be released home more often and so on. If you take that away from them, people might lose their motivation. They don't have much motivation anyway.
Our main base here is located on a mountain, quite close to the border. There's a beautiful view of the valley from up here.
This is one thing I really owe the army for. You get to see so many beautiful places. Even the sky becomes so beautiful once you have all the time in the world to look at it, when you're behind a metal fence that stands between you and the free world that teases you right in front of your eyes.
The moment we got here, 2 teams have been released home for the weekend. Me and a few others were sent to Hamat Gader. It's a popular hot springs resort in Israel. The younger soldiers guard at the watchtowers surrounding the resort. Me and some others are assigned on truck patrols. They're open vehicles with machine guns on both sides. At night, it gets really cold to sit in an open truck for about 8 hours. We patrol along the border, sometimes stop at a pub on route 90. Things are very quiet out here, but we stay put anyway. Apart from patrols, I also guard at the communications room. It's my first time sitting at the comm. room, being in charge of delivering information and directing the forces in case of emergency.
31st March, 2005
It's my team's turn to be released home. Unfortunately, not all soldiers could be released home, due to lack of manpower. Apart from Aug '04 soldiers, one guy from my team had to stay. I volunteered to stay back in November, when it was either me or Nitzan. Now it was obviously Nitzan's turn. Matan had told him that he was chosen to stay, but Nitzan managed to work his way out of this. He said he's got problems at home. The officers approved his excuse and Matan had no choice but to choose someone else. He was really angry at Nitzan but could do nothing about it. He chose Daniel, again. Daniel was eager to get home this weekend. He was at the roof of the barracks, a guarding post. The barracks used to be a hotel before 1967, now it's completely abandoned. When Daniel received the bad news, he asked Matan "Why me?", to what Matan foolishly answered: "because you're disciplined and responsible." Oh really? That really sounded fair! It pissed Daniel off. If he was disciplined and responsible until now, he'd change his attitude. In fact, he's changed his attitude back in January, when he was punished on his very birthday and wasn't released home after being caught falling asleep while on duty. He'd hoped they would give him a day or two of detention or that they'd postpone the punishment to his next release home, but they grounded him on his birthday and ruined all his plans. That day he'd lost trust to Michael, our platoon's officer. He learned to hate most of the commanders and whoever's in charge of things. Within no time, he became quite rebellious. Too bad. He's a good guy who really gave his 100% to our battery. He's my best friend, which is what made me look rebellious sometimes as well. Honestly, that part about our friendship is something that I didn't like that much.
25th March, 2005
Today happened something I had never really expected.
While guarding at the comm room, I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it over and over again. I wish I had remembered the exact words, that I had saved it somewhere. But I don't know if it matters, really. The general concept of this message is forever carved in my memory.
But before that, I'd like to share some of our SMS messages that I wrote on paper, before losing the cellphone. It didn't have enough memory to store all of the messages, so I wrote the best ones on paper so I'd never forget them.
Me: "*Kiss* Count all the stars in the universe - that is how much I love you. Forever in your arms, K." (10th December 2003)
Me: "As I ride the bus to the base, beautiful landscapes are revealed beyond the window... and I keep thinking of you, my Angel. I know that in no time, we'll meet. Love you, K." (13th December 2003)
Me: "My magical angel. I'd do everything it takes to be with you this summer. We'll meet this summer - it's a promise! I kept thinking of you throughout all the training..." (13th December 2003)
Angel: "Hi my dear. I'll do anything to be with you together, too. I even would sell my soul to see you at least for one minute! I love you so much. I'd come to you at once if I could. *Kiss*" (13th December 2003)
Me: "Angel, my dear girlfriend, you have no idea how AMAZING you are! I love you with all of my heart and I'll never let you go. *Kiss* I'm holding you now in my arms. Love you." (December 2003)
Angel: "I know you're sleeping already. I wish I could be in your arms now, feel your warmth & safety. I feel so alone at the moment and I can't tell you how much I miss you. Love you." (December 2003)
Angel: "I'm so glad to be your girlfriend! ^o^ It makes me feel that I can create everything. I love you more than I could say. Let's be together forever. *Kiss*" (December 2003)
Angel: "Hi my dreamstar. I nearly can't hold myself. I'd take the next flight to you if I could. I'd like to runaway immediately now. I miss you so much. I love you honey. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)
Angel: "I know I'll love you forever too. Why can't we just runaway and start a new life? I'd like to do that so much. Oh honey, I can't tell you how much I miss you. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)
Angel: "Today morning, when I went to the bus stop, I looked up to the sky. I only saw 1 star. It reminded me of you. That you will always be my following star. I love
you so much. *Kiss*" (22nd December, 2003)
Angel: "Hi honey. I love you so much, too. And I really thought about running away to you just to be in your arms. I still play with the thought of running away. I love you too much to stay here.." (26th December, 2003)
Angel: "It's the same with me. I almost can't hold myself back. I don't know what I should do anymore. I think my heart winning very soon. I can tell you. I love you so extremely." (26th December, 2003)
There are about 40 additional messages, but I don't know if that'd be interesting to read.
1.8 years in the army and I've seen hundreds if not thousands of attractive girls. Some of them were more than just attractive. Especially at the roadblocks I couldn't help but notice dozens of nice girls each day. Not once did they make me think about what I'm doing, about my choices. Is it the right thing to do, to spend 3 years of my life waiting for someone? But she's not just someone, she's very special.
Do you think I'll never find anyone like her ever again? Is she really that special or is it love that makes me so blind?
I must not hesitate. It would be a shame to waste a few years believing in one thing, then changing your mind. I needed to make that decision and I needed to make it as soon as possible. It was a year ago, before I flew to Germany, that I decided once and for all to stay with her, telling myself that I may never know what I'd lost if I broke up with her.
What if I never find anyone like her ever again? I'll remember her so perfect and amazing and all that and I might never know if I did the right thing or not. If we stay together, if we meet and get to know each other in real life, then I'll know better if she's really the one for me. I won't leave her unless I'm fully convinced that we're not made for each other. Yep, I'm going with this until the very end!
That way I will prove to myself that with enough determination, people can actually stay loyal to each other despite the surrounding temptations. If we only learn to appreciate what we have...
Choosing one over many is a huge sacrifice for all of us. We give up so many opportunities just for something that we think is worth more, much more.
It may indeed be so priceless, especially if the person we give up everything for does the same thing for us.
On 25th March, her e-mail read: I'm sorry honey, I hope you're not mad at me, but I think we should take a break from each other. I mean, we could date other people. You don't have to wait for me, you could see other girls and feel free to do anything you want.
It wasn't really a break up, or at least not a directly implied one. She didn't plan to date any guys, just girls. She liked some girls and probably wanted the freedom to explore and experience that new aspect of her life.
Do you think that in a year and a half we'll be together? She didn't have a straight answer to that. She didn't want me to wait for her all this time, she wanted me to have fun and she wanted to have fun too.
As tempting as it might have sounded, I didn't want to date any girls if I was going to lose her in the end. But regardless of whether I date other girls or not, what is the guarantee that we'll be together in a year and a half?
She told me not to wait...
Does it mean that she no longer loves me?
Things have clearly become different now. It was time for a new phase in our lives.
On one hand, I felt like I broke a thousand heavy chains, that new roads have opened ahead of me with unlimited opportunities. On the other hand, I was so upset and angry that things have come to this. After all that we've been through, now she gives up?!
She's the one that wanted it so much when we first met. I guess 2 years is a lot of time. People always change. However, when two people truly love each other, nothing in the world should ever stand between them.
I kept telling everyone that they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know the meaning of true love. They can laugh all they want for all I care, but in the end I'm going to be the one to have the best relationship there could ever be. I was going to prove it to them.
I was so upset. I was in so much despair, that I felt like I would go to a prostitute the moment I get home! No, I would never do that. But at that moment, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.
She was the only person that really cared about me, or so I thought. Now it felt like I was all by myself again.
1st April, 2005
I was released home. I needed to find myself some girl fast! I started looking at dating sites, talking to different girls on ICQ. It's always exciting to meet someone new, to have a new relationship in your life.
I found 4 interesting girls to talk with. One of them was particularly interested in me. She's from Tel Aviv, the closest to me. I found her in ICQ People Search. That stupid search doesn't allow you to search people by custom age. Even when you specify 18-22, it gives you the wrong results. The best thing to do was search by country, gender, language and 'online only' and then check the profile of every result found, where you could see their age.
But then the ICQ server stopped responding and returned an error message whenever I tried to check the profiles. Frustrated, I started messaging every girl, regardless of their age. One of them was Natalie.
After a short conversation, we exchanged pictures. While the pictures were being sent to each other, I found out how old she is... She was just turning 15! Forget it...
But then I checked out her picture and it was like "Oh my God!". To add to that, she liked me too. Ummm... don't you think she's too young for you? I decided to keep talking to her, find out if she's still childish and all that.
She didn't seem to.
There's one thing that really I like in girls... it's innocence. Angel's never had a boyfriend before, she's never kissed, never fell in love. That is one reason why she was so over the head when she fell in love with me. Many girls at my age are no longer romantic. They've been disappointed by love, they've had their hearts broken, they've experienced things I myself have never experienced... But don't think that I'm some sort of a pedophile. There's a limit to it. I'm 19 and a half and she turns 15 now. I guess 16.5-17 is the minimum, but a 15 could be a one-time exception in this case. At least it's worth a try, isn't it?
I talked to her on Saturday night. The next morning I came back to the army. We've been talking on the phone a lot and it's been exceptionally fun. She's not THAT innocent - she once got drunk, she tried some drugs, but that's her 'past'. She says she's not like that anymore.
I'm skeptic about this, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway.
We plan to meet when I'm released home again... Am I ready for a new relationship? Only time will tell.
I still love Angel very much. I don't think she gave up on me either. Maybe she needs some time off to clear her head?
As I've said, only time will tell...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Fast Forward
After the last entry, I've stopped writing in my diary for about 3 months, however I still remember the more significant events of that preiod of time...
The Car Assault
About a mile ahead of the roadblock, an Israeli car was assaulted by a Palestinian gunman. Luckily, no one got hurt. The windows were broken and the driver had managed to escape the assault, get to the roadblock and alarm the soldiers.
I was at the base at the time. It was at around 8pm in the evening. The alarm sounded from the communications room, the battery's commander team was, as always, the first to react.
Another team was assembled, due to the severity of this event. By the time we got there, there were already dozens of soldiers walking all around the place. Shattered pieces of glass lay on the closed road. Bullet casings and projectiles were found at the scene.
Our regiment's commander was also there. There were various forces from all over the place. A few minutes later, we joined our battery's commander and his team, and headed to a nearby village, located just about 150 meters north of the road.
We walked silently in the night, watching each other's backs and ready for anything.
As we reached the first few houses, some of us stayed to watch the road, the others entered the houses and started asking people whether they saw or heard anything. As expected, people denied having any knowledge of the incident.
I was the one watching the road. Some cars would pass by, we would inspect them and ask them if they know anything about the incident. They had no idea what we were talking about. I was quite surprised to hear their car radio playing Modern Talking. How rare is that?
We walked down the road. Gil, the battery's commander, inspected some more houses. Then we gave up the search and left the village. Maybe it was the regiment commander's call, it doesn't matter. Everybody left with empty handed.
How do you find them criminals? You'd need to search the whole village. Even then, nothing is guaranteed. You can't do nothing and wait until they murder someone and hope that this time you'll be there on time.
That way, more Palestinians will feel safe enough to inflict chaos on the Israeli roads, more people will get killed and the murderers will never be found.
First of all, there's the obvious need of maximizing army's chances of catching them in the act. There are many cameras being installed on electric poles and antennas, watching over the hills, the villages and the roads for any hostile activities.
In case they DO get away, the army should pursue them until they're caught... they mustn't feel safe once they committed a crime. Instead, they should count the days before the army gets to them.
Four Sides Of The Fence
Before leaving Qalqilya in early March 2005, I've had several shifts on the AV patrol. One of our duties during the patrol was opening the gates for Palestinians.
What does it mean? It's only when I got there, I realized the absurdity of the situation. Just about a mile south of Qalqilya there's a fence... The thing is, it doesn't really separate the Israeli lands with the Palestinian ones. Instead, it separates some Palestinian lands and villages from the other. Each day, they are allowed to cross from one side to another at a specific time. At 4pm, we'd open the gates and they'd cross the road between the two fenced sectors. The same happens some time in the morning as well.
The fence was built that way in an attempt to include a settlement inside the Israeli side of the fence. Here's the map: (Red dots = Palestinian towns. Blue dots = Israeli settlements. Red line = seaparation fence. Purple line = 1967 borders.)
Note how much territory inside the west bank was planned to stay on the Israeli side of the fence, just because of a single, tiny settlement in the middle of that pocket.
But now as I can see, some of it has been fixed and parts of the fence were later dismantled as you can see on this updated April 07 map:
http://www.securityfence.mod.gov.il/Pages/Heb/map_heb.htm
Now some of those villages are no longer separated and the fence has been extended further east to include more Israeli settlements in it.
Hezbollah's aggression
Sometime around February, Hezbollah guerillas opened rocket fire on Israeli towns located along the northern border. Immediately after, we were informed to pack our bags and get ready in case we're needed there. Eventually, other forces were sent over there to deal with Hezbollah. Our turn to deal with them was yet to come...
Angel's visit
It's March 2005. We've finished our service in the Qalqiliya sector and moved on to the south for artillery training.
Matan called our team for some briefing and told us what's planned ahead. "Each week, two teams will be released home for a week. Our team will be released next week."
I asked my commander if I could switch with someone from another so that I could be released home exactly when Angel comes to visit. I informed her of the dates. It was time that she ordered the tickets.
Now it depended on her. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would all work out. I've been waiting for this for half a year.
Day after day have passed and I haven't heard a word from her. She wouldn't reply to my messages, she wouldn't answer the phone. What's going on? It's really important that we stay in contact.
Three days remained. It was still unknown whether I'll be allowed to postpone my release home by 1 week.
Eventually, I've managed to reach her by phone. I called her home number. Her mom picked it up and gave her the phone. Angel told me that she's trying to find a flight to Israel but there aren't any available. Those that are available, are way too expensive - over $700. No way. I called my mom and asked her to check this for me. Within half an hour, my mom found a flight from Munich to Tel Aviv for less than $500 with available seats.
I quickly informed Angel and told her I could even order the tickets for her if needed.
But it wasn't the flight. It was something else that stood in our way. "I'm sorry, I can't come to Israel." "Why?" "I have 2 important interviews in hotels. They'll determine my future career."
Yes, she's been planning to enter an apprenticeship program of 3 years and work at a hotel. I wondered why it couldn't wait. Soon enough she'd start working and she might never have the time to come visit me. I guess in some way it could be understood. I know that there's nothing that could stand in our way, as long as we choose to stay together, no matter what. But if we choose other things over each other, there's a chance we might lose this unique relationship. I'd rather find a solution that would make it all work.
The question is, how do we preserve one dream without destroying the others? There has to be a solution to everything..
I had to cope with the disappointment. At first I was angry and upset. My words to her didn't help the situation at all. But I told her I support her no matter what she decides to do in her life. We'll find a way to make it work. I just wish it weren't so sudden. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm searching for flights, I'm asking my commanders and officers to do everything they can so that I would be released home on time." "I didn't want to make you mad, to disappoint you." "Honey, but you know that eventually, you'll have to tell me everything. The longer you wait, the bigger will be my disappointment. Please, always tell me what's on your mind. Don't be afraid to dissappoint me, you know I can never really be mad at you."
I told my commander I no longer need to postpone it.
* * * * *
After a few weeks in the south, we were given our next task - 3 weeks in the northern Jordanian border, near Hamat Gader... The quietest border in Israel.
After the last entry, I've stopped writing in my diary for about 3 months, however I still remember the more significant events of that preiod of time...
The Car Assault
About a mile ahead of the roadblock, an Israeli car was assaulted by a Palestinian gunman. Luckily, no one got hurt. The windows were broken and the driver had managed to escape the assault, get to the roadblock and alarm the soldiers.
I was at the base at the time. It was at around 8pm in the evening. The alarm sounded from the communications room, the battery's commander team was, as always, the first to react.
Another team was assembled, due to the severity of this event. By the time we got there, there were already dozens of soldiers walking all around the place. Shattered pieces of glass lay on the closed road. Bullet casings and projectiles were found at the scene.
Our regiment's commander was also there. There were various forces from all over the place. A few minutes later, we joined our battery's commander and his team, and headed to a nearby village, located just about 150 meters north of the road.
We walked silently in the night, watching each other's backs and ready for anything.
As we reached the first few houses, some of us stayed to watch the road, the others entered the houses and started asking people whether they saw or heard anything. As expected, people denied having any knowledge of the incident.
I was the one watching the road. Some cars would pass by, we would inspect them and ask them if they know anything about the incident. They had no idea what we were talking about. I was quite surprised to hear their car radio playing Modern Talking. How rare is that?
We walked down the road. Gil, the battery's commander, inspected some more houses. Then we gave up the search and left the village. Maybe it was the regiment commander's call, it doesn't matter. Everybody left with empty handed.
How do you find them criminals? You'd need to search the whole village. Even then, nothing is guaranteed. You can't do nothing and wait until they murder someone and hope that this time you'll be there on time.
That way, more Palestinians will feel safe enough to inflict chaos on the Israeli roads, more people will get killed and the murderers will never be found.
First of all, there's the obvious need of maximizing army's chances of catching them in the act. There are many cameras being installed on electric poles and antennas, watching over the hills, the villages and the roads for any hostile activities.
In case they DO get away, the army should pursue them until they're caught... they mustn't feel safe once they committed a crime. Instead, they should count the days before the army gets to them.
Four Sides Of The Fence
Before leaving Qalqilya in early March 2005, I've had several shifts on the AV patrol. One of our duties during the patrol was opening the gates for Palestinians.
What does it mean? It's only when I got there, I realized the absurdity of the situation. Just about a mile south of Qalqilya there's a fence... The thing is, it doesn't really separate the Israeli lands with the Palestinian ones. Instead, it separates some Palestinian lands and villages from the other. Each day, they are allowed to cross from one side to another at a specific time. At 4pm, we'd open the gates and they'd cross the road between the two fenced sectors. The same happens some time in the morning as well.
The fence was built that way in an attempt to include a settlement inside the Israeli side of the fence. Here's the map: (Red dots = Palestinian towns. Blue dots = Israeli settlements. Red line = seaparation fence. Purple line = 1967 borders.)
Note how much territory inside the west bank was planned to stay on the Israeli side of the fence, just because of a single, tiny settlement in the middle of that pocket.
But now as I can see, some of it has been fixed and parts of the fence were later dismantled as you can see on this updated April 07 map:
http://www.securityfence.mod.gov.il/Pages/Heb/map_heb.htm
Now some of those villages are no longer separated and the fence has been extended further east to include more Israeli settlements in it.
Hezbollah's aggression
Sometime around February, Hezbollah guerillas opened rocket fire on Israeli towns located along the northern border. Immediately after, we were informed to pack our bags and get ready in case we're needed there. Eventually, other forces were sent over there to deal with Hezbollah. Our turn to deal with them was yet to come...
Angel's visit
It's March 2005. We've finished our service in the Qalqiliya sector and moved on to the south for artillery training.
Matan called our team for some briefing and told us what's planned ahead. "Each week, two teams will be released home for a week. Our team will be released next week."
I asked my commander if I could switch with someone from another so that I could be released home exactly when Angel comes to visit. I informed her of the dates. It was time that she ordered the tickets.
Now it depended on her. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would all work out. I've been waiting for this for half a year.
Day after day have passed and I haven't heard a word from her. She wouldn't reply to my messages, she wouldn't answer the phone. What's going on? It's really important that we stay in contact.
Three days remained. It was still unknown whether I'll be allowed to postpone my release home by 1 week.
Eventually, I've managed to reach her by phone. I called her home number. Her mom picked it up and gave her the phone. Angel told me that she's trying to find a flight to Israel but there aren't any available. Those that are available, are way too expensive - over $700. No way. I called my mom and asked her to check this for me. Within half an hour, my mom found a flight from Munich to Tel Aviv for less than $500 with available seats.
I quickly informed Angel and told her I could even order the tickets for her if needed.
But it wasn't the flight. It was something else that stood in our way. "I'm sorry, I can't come to Israel." "Why?" "I have 2 important interviews in hotels. They'll determine my future career."
Yes, she's been planning to enter an apprenticeship program of 3 years and work at a hotel. I wondered why it couldn't wait. Soon enough she'd start working and she might never have the time to come visit me. I guess in some way it could be understood. I know that there's nothing that could stand in our way, as long as we choose to stay together, no matter what. But if we choose other things over each other, there's a chance we might lose this unique relationship. I'd rather find a solution that would make it all work.
The question is, how do we preserve one dream without destroying the others? There has to be a solution to everything..
I had to cope with the disappointment. At first I was angry and upset. My words to her didn't help the situation at all. But I told her I support her no matter what she decides to do in her life. We'll find a way to make it work. I just wish it weren't so sudden. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm searching for flights, I'm asking my commanders and officers to do everything they can so that I would be released home on time." "I didn't want to make you mad, to disappoint you." "Honey, but you know that eventually, you'll have to tell me everything. The longer you wait, the bigger will be my disappointment. Please, always tell me what's on your mind. Don't be afraid to dissappoint me, you know I can never really be mad at you."
I told my commander I no longer need to postpone it.
After a few weeks in the south, we were given our next task - 3 weeks in the northern Jordanian border, near Hamat Gader... The quietest border in Israel.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
A rather boring month
12th January, 2005
After 3 (short) days at home, I'm back at the base. Our conditions have suddenly changed:
Instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home) it's going to be 11/3 with less soldiers to stay on weekends. That means that after each 8-9 hour roadblock each one of us has to guard 1.5-2 hours at the watchtower and that would leave us just about enough time to clean the base, eat dinner, take a shower and have some sleep.
No free time for reading books or watching DVDs.... yes, I've finally bought the DVD after scrubbing some more money from the battery. I bought a Vertex 312B for 500 NIS. Mahsanei Hashmal had only one remaining Vertex DVD for sale... the one that was on display! The guys didn't even agree to give me any discount, not even when I told them that it's being bought by soldiers' money and that the DVD is for the army.
I was really disappointed with that store, especially when we've discovered some malfunctioning.
Nevertheless, the DVD proved to be a success in the long term! Many soldiers watched movies and TV series after coming back from their guarding duties.
26th January, 2005
I was sent to the marksmen course in the Negev, back at the base where I had my basic training over a year ago.
I got sick 2 days ago and thought of going to the city officer (the one that gives soldiers the permission to stay at home if their problems are serious enough... or if they're good liars), but then I decided against it. As much as I wanted to miss the marksmen course, they've been planning on sending me here for over 2 months and I didn't want to disappoint them this way, even though I reaaaaaalllly hate this weapon!
When I arrived at the central station in Beer Sheva, I entered an electronics store to buy myself earphones for my mp3 cd player. That's where I met Vitaly. He was buying a beret in that shop.
He was my teammate when we were still in basic training. He used to be a pretty good marksman - he had this exact weapon and he's like never missed a targed. After passing the commanders course, he was assigned to be a shooting tutor back at the training base. I couldn't believe it, but my teammate was about to teach me how to become a marksman!
I can't believe I was given 500 bullets back in Qalqiliya to carry with me to the training base. It's a damn training base! They ought to have enough bullets, don't they? It smells like bureaucracy to me.
The training was only 1 week. We had a lot of time spent at the shooting range. There was another guy from B battery who was sent here to do the course. Only he was a young March '04 soldier. His name is Dor. He's a good, normal guy, unlike most of his 'zoo' battery.
We weren't only 2 soldiers in this course. We did it together with the rookies who've just joined the army - soldiers of Nov '04.
I expected to be treated with respect, but that wasn't the case. Above Vitaly and the other tutors stood a female officer of my age. She was July '03, I was August '03, yet she told me to do whatever all the rookies did - stand in formation, repeat the orders and so on. Yes, it was humiliating!
Lying down in the sand while shooting made us look as dirty and untidy as all the rookies.
There was one female rookie who started crying when she's missed her target. Poor girl, she shouldn't take it too seriously.
When we had to return to the base for lunch, 2 soldiers had to stay and guard all the eqipment. Nov '04 rookies demanded that either me or Dor stayed this time. There were 18 of them and only 2 of us. I'm sure not all of them had to volunteer and stay to guard.
But it was not my decision. Ehud was another tutor of ours. He was from March '02. He told us one of us should stay. "It's either you or him." Dor volunteered to stay, since he was a younger soldier than me. I was really angry at the decision! When I was a rookie, things were so much different...
We had a literal exam on the last day. I got 98 out of 100 and 86 was my final mark. In order to pass the course, you needed at least 70. Dor got 69, but they gave him a certificate anyway.
Taking a bus back to Beer Sheva wasn't an easy thing to do. There were like 80 soldiers waiting at the station. One bus came but didn't even stop as it was already full. Why did it bother coming here if he didn't even stop?
Another bus came. This time it was nearly empty. Everyone started pushing each other like animals, eager to get on that bus. All the desk-workers didn't have any heavy bags to put in the trunk so they were the first to occupy the seats.
It's usually the desk-workers who get first on the bus. The combat soldiers and whoever stays a long time at the base would sometimes have to wait for the next bus and hope to get on it for a change.
It was almost my turn to get on when I suddenly noticed that my beret was gone, thanks to all the pushing. I gave up my place in the queue and started looking for the beret, then I saw it stuck between two people who were on the bus. They didn't even notice that there's a beret between their bodies. I tried to get on the bus through the back door, but the bus was already full. The door closed right in front of me. It hit a soldier's leg and his magazine fell out of the weapon. The door reopened, but there wasn't a single millimeter where I could stand. I picked the magazine and gave it to him before the door closed again. The bus left and I had to wait for another one.
I tried to call Avi - he's one of the tutors who managed to get on the bus. He couldn't help me. He was on the other side of the bus and the bus was loaded with people. Shouting didn't help.
I got this beret from a 34km journey that marked the ending of basic training. Too bad I'd lost it so foolishly. Now I'll have to buy myself one. I remembered Vitaly buying a beret when I met him at the central station. I'll have to buy it, because if I get caught by the military police, I'll be punished.
An hour later there was another bus heading for Beer Sheva.
My commander had asked me to call him when I finish the course. He told me I'm heading to the home base in the Golan again for another week of guarding. I had to visit our base near Qalqiliya to pick my things before leaving for the Golan. At first I was in the center, then I was sent south and now I'm gonna head north.
When I visited the base, I asked if someone could borrow me a normal beret that I could use. (berets that you buy in shops are too embarrassing to wear. you need to shave them and wash them a lot to make the look normal.)
Michael, my officer, gave me his own and asked me to take a good care of it, because he received this beret from his commander as a sign of excellence after the last, 34km-long journey.
I said: "Don't worry, I had mine from basic training and I've never lost it." "but now you DID lose it." Yeah. I guess he's right. I love Michael for his good sense of humor and his positive attitude. He's really a great guy!
6th February, 2005
It's Sunday. Desk-workers came back from home.
10:40am - my cellphone wakes me up.
12:30pm - I go to the dining room for lunch.
01:00pm - Uh oh! No cellphone!
It was nowhere to be found. There were no doubts that it was stolen.
I suspect Kobi. He's a guy from B battery. I know him from basic training. He's the criminal type... stealing things, hitting people. The funniest thing about him is that he pretends to be friendly.
He once told us that one of his parents is in jail, that he used to take drugs...
He was in his room during lunch. I remember how he warned me & the others to keep our room and bags locked at all times because he doesn't trust the desk-workers who reside with us.
Ron, a new guy from my battery decided to help me. He decided to search Kobi's bags when he wasn't around. Then he and I unlocked 2 rooms of desk-workers and took a look around. I decided not to search their bags though.
I told the commander about the theft and about Kobi being a suspect. I asked him not to let Kobi know about it, but he told him anyway. I later found out that Kobi was trying to help me by searching for my cellphone, but then he stopped when he found out I was suspecting him. But maybe that was just another lie, to make him look less of a suspect.
Ariel, our regiment's discipline commander wanted to call a special interrogation agency that deals with theft and criminal offenses in the army, but they told him they don't deal with cases like that in which the stolen property is less than 5,000 NIS worth.
The cellphone was never found. It was kind of old anyway - A Samsung 624. It had a partially broken display. The thing is it wasn't insured and my mom still had to pay 700 NIS for it.
* * * * *
The bunker is a large field, surrounded by fence. There are trenches with ammunition all around it. It's perfectly fine to guard over there during daylight, but as the night falls, it becomes a perfect spot to shoot a horror movie.
Foxes walk around, their eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Their howls send a chill down your spine. There is absolutely no light, so you can't see anything unless you bring a flashlight with you. You can only hear strange noises, some movement around you, but you can't see what it is. You're all alone and everybody eslse is asleep.
Soldiers don't dare going to the bunker at nights, especially when you have guard there alone. One visit there was enough for me to decide, once and for all, to never go over there again.
Monday night... Instead of guarding at the bunker, people go to some empty room to sleep, hoping they wouldn't get caught, that no one would visit the bunker at night.
I went to C battery's barracks. They're the closest to the bunker. It's a U-shaped corridor of 12 rooms, most of them are locked.
I entered the 4th room on the left side of the corridor. There's light, there are 4 double beds to sit on. I put the weapon aside, put my vest on the floor and take out Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" from the pouch inside the vest.
I sit there and read Da Vinci's code, letting my guarding time pass by. I sit by the window. It's slightly open so I could hear if anyone's coming. The door is closed.
Suddenly, I hear some talking... footsteps... it gets closer! Someone's in the corridor! 2 guys.
I sit quietly, trying not to move at all. The room is empty and so every move makes a lot of noise.
I can hear them twisting the handle of one of the doors in the corridor. They're going from the right side. Locked. Locked. Locked. Another one locked... I go for the weapon, helplessly trying to wear the vest before they catch me here.
I see the door handle move. That's it! The guy twists the handle, but the door won't open!!! He keeps trying over and over again. My heart beats like never before! Then he leaves the handle and moves on to the next door.
Within a minute they were gone. Phew! Even then, I kept standing there for a couple of minutes, not capable of comprehending what had just happened.
A few minutes later, I opened the door and realized why the door didn't open: there was no handle on the other side of the door! There was only a metallic cylinder showing out. When I entered this room, the door was already open. I closed it from inside, when there's a handle, but no one could open it from outside. Phew! That was lucky!
After about an hour, I saw a car passing near the barracks. It could've been on its way to the bunker. What if they're looking for me?
I decided to go to the bunker to see if the car headed that way. As I approached the entrance gate, I saw a heavy cloud of dense mist, blocking my sight. I couldn't even see the bushes a feet away, it was crazy! I might not find my way back to the base. I changed my mind and went back to the barracks.
I still remember how once a fox chased me out of the bunker's watchtower. It was protecting its baby-foxes who were kept warm inside the watchtower. I could still hear its howl, getting louder with ever moment, giving me goosebumps. I could not see it, but I could hear it coming closer, howling louder.
People say that Guy Hever, a soldier who mysteriously disappeared and had never been found since, was guarding at this exact bunker the day he disappeared back in 1997.
10th February, 2005
It's thursday morning. I finished guarding and got dressed, ready to go home. Something's missing..... oh, no! Not the beret again! The beret?! It can't be! I've hid it deep inside my bag. I've looked for it everywhere, but I couldn't find it.
I had to borrow a beret again from a guy who came here to replace me. Michael wasn't happy to know I'd lost his, yet he kept smiling. I really felt bad about it. He found himself a different one and I later found myself one as well. Still, I couldn't help feeling really bad about it.
12th January, 2005
After 3 (short) days at home, I'm back at the base. Our conditions have suddenly changed:
Instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home) it's going to be 11/3 with less soldiers to stay on weekends. That means that after each 8-9 hour roadblock each one of us has to guard 1.5-2 hours at the watchtower and that would leave us just about enough time to clean the base, eat dinner, take a shower and have some sleep.
No free time for reading books or watching DVDs.... yes, I've finally bought the DVD after scrubbing some more money from the battery. I bought a Vertex 312B for 500 NIS. Mahsanei Hashmal had only one remaining Vertex DVD for sale... the one that was on display! The guys didn't even agree to give me any discount, not even when I told them that it's being bought by soldiers' money and that the DVD is for the army.
I was really disappointed with that store, especially when we've discovered some malfunctioning.
Nevertheless, the DVD proved to be a success in the long term! Many soldiers watched movies and TV series after coming back from their guarding duties.
26th January, 2005
I was sent to the marksmen course in the Negev, back at the base where I had my basic training over a year ago.
I got sick 2 days ago and thought of going to the city officer (the one that gives soldiers the permission to stay at home if their problems are serious enough... or if they're good liars), but then I decided against it. As much as I wanted to miss the marksmen course, they've been planning on sending me here for over 2 months and I didn't want to disappoint them this way, even though I reaaaaaalllly hate this weapon!
When I arrived at the central station in Beer Sheva, I entered an electronics store to buy myself earphones for my mp3 cd player. That's where I met Vitaly. He was buying a beret in that shop.
He was my teammate when we were still in basic training. He used to be a pretty good marksman - he had this exact weapon and he's like never missed a targed. After passing the commanders course, he was assigned to be a shooting tutor back at the training base. I couldn't believe it, but my teammate was about to teach me how to become a marksman!
I can't believe I was given 500 bullets back in Qalqiliya to carry with me to the training base. It's a damn training base! They ought to have enough bullets, don't they? It smells like bureaucracy to me.
The training was only 1 week. We had a lot of time spent at the shooting range. There was another guy from B battery who was sent here to do the course. Only he was a young March '04 soldier. His name is Dor. He's a good, normal guy, unlike most of his 'zoo' battery.
We weren't only 2 soldiers in this course. We did it together with the rookies who've just joined the army - soldiers of Nov '04.
I expected to be treated with respect, but that wasn't the case. Above Vitaly and the other tutors stood a female officer of my age. She was July '03, I was August '03, yet she told me to do whatever all the rookies did - stand in formation, repeat the orders and so on. Yes, it was humiliating!
Lying down in the sand while shooting made us look as dirty and untidy as all the rookies.
There was one female rookie who started crying when she's missed her target. Poor girl, she shouldn't take it too seriously.
When we had to return to the base for lunch, 2 soldiers had to stay and guard all the eqipment. Nov '04 rookies demanded that either me or Dor stayed this time. There were 18 of them and only 2 of us. I'm sure not all of them had to volunteer and stay to guard.
But it was not my decision. Ehud was another tutor of ours. He was from March '02. He told us one of us should stay. "It's either you or him." Dor volunteered to stay, since he was a younger soldier than me. I was really angry at the decision! When I was a rookie, things were so much different...
We had a literal exam on the last day. I got 98 out of 100 and 86 was my final mark. In order to pass the course, you needed at least 70. Dor got 69, but they gave him a certificate anyway.
Taking a bus back to Beer Sheva wasn't an easy thing to do. There were like 80 soldiers waiting at the station. One bus came but didn't even stop as it was already full. Why did it bother coming here if he didn't even stop?
Another bus came. This time it was nearly empty. Everyone started pushing each other like animals, eager to get on that bus. All the desk-workers didn't have any heavy bags to put in the trunk so they were the first to occupy the seats.
It's usually the desk-workers who get first on the bus. The combat soldiers and whoever stays a long time at the base would sometimes have to wait for the next bus and hope to get on it for a change.
It was almost my turn to get on when I suddenly noticed that my beret was gone, thanks to all the pushing. I gave up my place in the queue and started looking for the beret, then I saw it stuck between two people who were on the bus. They didn't even notice that there's a beret between their bodies. I tried to get on the bus through the back door, but the bus was already full. The door closed right in front of me. It hit a soldier's leg and his magazine fell out of the weapon. The door reopened, but there wasn't a single millimeter where I could stand. I picked the magazine and gave it to him before the door closed again. The bus left and I had to wait for another one.
I tried to call Avi - he's one of the tutors who managed to get on the bus. He couldn't help me. He was on the other side of the bus and the bus was loaded with people. Shouting didn't help.
I got this beret from a 34km journey that marked the ending of basic training. Too bad I'd lost it so foolishly. Now I'll have to buy myself one. I remembered Vitaly buying a beret when I met him at the central station. I'll have to buy it, because if I get caught by the military police, I'll be punished.
An hour later there was another bus heading for Beer Sheva.
My commander had asked me to call him when I finish the course. He told me I'm heading to the home base in the Golan again for another week of guarding. I had to visit our base near Qalqiliya to pick my things before leaving for the Golan. At first I was in the center, then I was sent south and now I'm gonna head north.
When I visited the base, I asked if someone could borrow me a normal beret that I could use. (berets that you buy in shops are too embarrassing to wear. you need to shave them and wash them a lot to make the look normal.)
Michael, my officer, gave me his own and asked me to take a good care of it, because he received this beret from his commander as a sign of excellence after the last, 34km-long journey.
I said: "Don't worry, I had mine from basic training and I've never lost it." "but now you DID lose it." Yeah. I guess he's right. I love Michael for his good sense of humor and his positive attitude. He's really a great guy!
6th February, 2005
It's Sunday. Desk-workers came back from home.
10:40am - my cellphone wakes me up.
12:30pm - I go to the dining room for lunch.
01:00pm - Uh oh! No cellphone!
It was nowhere to be found. There were no doubts that it was stolen.
I suspect Kobi. He's a guy from B battery. I know him from basic training. He's the criminal type... stealing things, hitting people. The funniest thing about him is that he pretends to be friendly.
He once told us that one of his parents is in jail, that he used to take drugs...
He was in his room during lunch. I remember how he warned me & the others to keep our room and bags locked at all times because he doesn't trust the desk-workers who reside with us.
Ron, a new guy from my battery decided to help me. He decided to search Kobi's bags when he wasn't around. Then he and I unlocked 2 rooms of desk-workers and took a look around. I decided not to search their bags though.
I told the commander about the theft and about Kobi being a suspect. I asked him not to let Kobi know about it, but he told him anyway. I later found out that Kobi was trying to help me by searching for my cellphone, but then he stopped when he found out I was suspecting him. But maybe that was just another lie, to make him look less of a suspect.
Ariel, our regiment's discipline commander wanted to call a special interrogation agency that deals with theft and criminal offenses in the army, but they told him they don't deal with cases like that in which the stolen property is less than 5,000 NIS worth.
The cellphone was never found. It was kind of old anyway - A Samsung 624. It had a partially broken display. The thing is it wasn't insured and my mom still had to pay 700 NIS for it.
The bunker is a large field, surrounded by fence. There are trenches with ammunition all around it. It's perfectly fine to guard over there during daylight, but as the night falls, it becomes a perfect spot to shoot a horror movie.
Foxes walk around, their eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Their howls send a chill down your spine. There is absolutely no light, so you can't see anything unless you bring a flashlight with you. You can only hear strange noises, some movement around you, but you can't see what it is. You're all alone and everybody eslse is asleep.
Soldiers don't dare going to the bunker at nights, especially when you have guard there alone. One visit there was enough for me to decide, once and for all, to never go over there again.
Monday night... Instead of guarding at the bunker, people go to some empty room to sleep, hoping they wouldn't get caught, that no one would visit the bunker at night.
I went to C battery's barracks. They're the closest to the bunker. It's a U-shaped corridor of 12 rooms, most of them are locked.
I entered the 4th room on the left side of the corridor. There's light, there are 4 double beds to sit on. I put the weapon aside, put my vest on the floor and take out Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" from the pouch inside the vest.
I sit there and read Da Vinci's code, letting my guarding time pass by. I sit by the window. It's slightly open so I could hear if anyone's coming. The door is closed.
Suddenly, I hear some talking... footsteps... it gets closer! Someone's in the corridor! 2 guys.
I sit quietly, trying not to move at all. The room is empty and so every move makes a lot of noise.
I can hear them twisting the handle of one of the doors in the corridor. They're going from the right side. Locked. Locked. Locked. Another one locked... I go for the weapon, helplessly trying to wear the vest before they catch me here.
I see the door handle move. That's it! The guy twists the handle, but the door won't open!!! He keeps trying over and over again. My heart beats like never before! Then he leaves the handle and moves on to the next door.
Within a minute they were gone. Phew! Even then, I kept standing there for a couple of minutes, not capable of comprehending what had just happened.
A few minutes later, I opened the door and realized why the door didn't open: there was no handle on the other side of the door! There was only a metallic cylinder showing out. When I entered this room, the door was already open. I closed it from inside, when there's a handle, but no one could open it from outside. Phew! That was lucky!
After about an hour, I saw a car passing near the barracks. It could've been on its way to the bunker. What if they're looking for me?
I decided to go to the bunker to see if the car headed that way. As I approached the entrance gate, I saw a heavy cloud of dense mist, blocking my sight. I couldn't even see the bushes a feet away, it was crazy! I might not find my way back to the base. I changed my mind and went back to the barracks.
I still remember how once a fox chased me out of the bunker's watchtower. It was protecting its baby-foxes who were kept warm inside the watchtower. I could still hear its howl, getting louder with ever moment, giving me goosebumps. I could not see it, but I could hear it coming closer, howling louder.
People say that Guy Hever, a soldier who mysteriously disappeared and had never been found since, was guarding at this exact bunker the day he disappeared back in 1997.
10th February, 2005
It's thursday morning. I finished guarding and got dressed, ready to go home. Something's missing..... oh, no! Not the beret again! The beret?! It can't be! I've hid it deep inside my bag. I've looked for it everywhere, but I couldn't find it.
I had to borrow a beret again from a guy who came here to replace me. Michael wasn't happy to know I'd lost his, yet he kept smiling. I really felt bad about it. He found himself a different one and I later found myself one as well. Still, I couldn't help feeling really bad about it.
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