Angel's Confessions

27th January, 2006

Natalie and I are still friends. She still blames me for breaking up with her, but I've given up that argument a while ago. It's useless. She wants to see me as the villain, whatever.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she wishes that I would experience a heartbreak the way she did. Hmmm, I did experience one when she cheated on me, now I need another?

When I was 14 years old, I did a foolish thing...

It was in April 2000. I had a long distance relationship with Alina, who lived a 3 hour drive north. We've only met once - at a bard's concert on the dunes in the outskirts of Ashdod. She was with her parents, who performed in the concert. I was with a friend of mine. It was my longest kiss ever that day, it lasted over 50 minutes. We've kissed and kissed the whole night until it was sunrise.

A month later, a few days before meeting her again for one last bard's concert that year, I've met a girl in my town who had a crush on me. She asked me to walk her home that day. Then she let me in her house and gave me something to drink. It couldn't be more obvious that she wanted to date me. I had a few minutes alone to make a decision - her or Alina. I may never see Alina again and with this girl here I could have a long and serious relationship...

...and so I chose the new girl. The same day we were kissing already.

It took less than 24 hours for my guilt to surface. It was at home the next morning when I realized that I'm not over Alina yet.

It took me too long to tell them both the truth. I should've made a decision earlier, because I ended up hurting both of them and I hated myself for that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and there I was - hurting them both, badly.

That was the first and last time I've ever cheated on a girl. Alina used to play the tarot cards. Although I don't believe in that stuff, she cursed me, wishing that I would be taught a lesson for what I did.

I'll never know if it had anything to do with her curse, but for the next 3 years, after I moved to Tel Aviv, no girl would date me. I've spent my high school years without a single date. Instead, those were 3 years of heartbreaks and disappointments.

I don't know about other people, but to me - loneliness is something I cannot live with for too long. It's like hunger. The longer you don't eat, the more hungry you get. Those 3 years were a nightmare. Every night I would promise God I would never cheat in my life again. Everytime I'd walk to school on a beautiful day I'd think to myself: "How I wish I could share this beautiful day with somebody. Just look at this sky! It is paradise. But it's worth nothing when you're alone."

It felt as if all things in life were absolutely perfect, except for one thing - Love.

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

...that girl was Angel.

In March 2003 we've met on the internet. I have no idea how it happened, but in April she said she had feelings for me... and so, without even seeing each other's pictures, without ever having a phone conversation, we've decided that no matter what - we'll be together! We'll have to wait for 3 years, until she graduates and I finish the army and then we could be together once and for all!

3 years isn't that much when you look back. It's been 2.5 years now, half a year more to go.

Will we have the same strong feelings after 3 years? Are they going to get stronger with each passing day?

The first 2 years they did. The last few months, however, felt different. I didn't want to believe that something was going on, I really hoped that there was a perfectly good explanation to why I'm not hearing from her lately, I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore.

On 26th January Shelly, Angel's friend was online.

Shelly: "what do you want to talk about?"
Me: "look, ummm, I know that you'll probably won't tell me that kind of information if there is such... but..."
Shelly: "yeah?"
Me: "Geez, it's either I'm very naive or I'm too suspicious. Anyway... the question is this: Is there any reason why Angel doesn't talk to me? She always gives me reasons but the bottom line is that she doesn't talk to me for like weeks... If she loves me, shouldn't she care to ask me how I am? I think of her often and I want to message her, but since I don't get any messages from her, I feel that maybe she's got sick of me or something. Is there something she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me? ...are you there?"
Shelly: "yeah... i just think about what i`m gonna write"

Angel appeared online.

Me: "that's a very strange coincidence. after a long time since we've talked, she comes online and talks to me in MSN exactly when you and I talk about this. :)"
Shelly: "strange coincidence :) hm you should talk to her about that...you see, she´s my very best friend, but i like u too...so i will be only the interpreter..."

Shelly obviously knew something. She couldn't tell me, after all she and Angel are best friends.

Me: "I don't know how it is to you, but to me it is very important to hear from you once in a while. Angel, you are my world. Without you, there is nothing.."
Me: "Look, I don't want to doubt the things you tell me, but you should know this:
If you are afraid to hurt me, which I am certain of, you should know that it doesn't matter to me if you've been with someone else or anything like that. I want you to be happy either with me or without me. My presence in your life shouldn't be of a negative kind in any way."
Me: "If you're meeting someone else, let me know, otherwise I'll be riddled for who knows how long and will keep bothering you like I may be doing it for the last few months."
Me: "I remember how hard it was for you to tell me that you were leaving me. I accepted it. If I accepted it, I can accept anything and you shouldn't fear telling me things."
Angel: "i donno how to say that, but i can`t ...I mean, it`s really sweet that u wanna move to Germany just for me.. but it`s much too early for me. I even didn`t live until now. and i didn`t fall in love with anyone else.. But I don`t feel love for anyone else either.."
Me: "do you still feel anything for me?"
Angel: "at the moment I don`t feel anything for anyone. I`m so sorry. I want u to be happy, too. Coz u r very important to me and u deserve to be happy coz u r a special person for me."
Me: "But how come it's possible? how could this great feeling suddenly disappear? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this, but I've come to realize that what I feel for you is eternal."
Angel: "And i will feel something for u for the rest of my life.."
Me: "but what is that something?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "you don't wanna be with me for the rest of your life, do you?"
Angel: "I wanna be with u, but not now"
Me: "when?"
Angel: "I donno"
Me: "do you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I love you?"
Angel: "no, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that u love me and I hurt u all the time"
Me: "but you shouldn't think about that this way. if you think that you hurt me, you eventually hurt me. however, you are not aware of how much happiness you've brought to my life. even if our whole relationship was a fiction, it was worth it."
Angel: "not a fiction, like a dream"
Me: "yeah... dreams and reality... sometimes they become one. if you believe in them... you just have to give it your hand and follow it.."
Angel: "yeah"
Me: "Angel, you are the only person that I can allow him to hurt me as much as you want. You're the only person who whenever had hurt me, did it unintentionally."
Angel: "I`m so sorry"
Me: "for what?"
Angel: "for everything"

She also said that if she could come to Israel someday, she would.

Angel: "u r my first love, I`ll never forget u and I don`t wanna forget u coz I still think one day we`ll be happy 2gether"
Me: "I'll chase you with tears in my eyes for the rest of my life, either until I meet death, or until you will love me again. But survival now will be hard, for now I have no one, absolutely no one... There's always been you, the very core on which my whole life stands."
Me: "Just tell me how long since you've stopped loving me?"
Angel: "can`t say that,. it came step by step"

Finally the truth came out. Now it was a fact I could no longer deny. There was nothing I could do anymore. Her feelings were gone. Just like that.

I remembered Natalie's words from a few weeks ago... She wished that I'd experience a heartbreak. Her wish has been fulfilled.

How is it possible? One day you love someone very very much and the next day you no longer feel anything for him, without a reason.

No matter how it turned out in the end, it was all worth it. I've learned a lot from our relationship. I may have not succeeded in proving to others that true love exists, but I did succeed in proving that to myself. I could've loved her forever. I had no hesitations at all.

If I could love someone forever, so can many other people in this world. Therefore, True Love is possible.

* * * * *

A while later Shelly and Angel have told me the rest of the truth.

It turns out that Shelly's been in love with Angel for over 2 years. I've never noticed it during my visit in Germany 1.5 years ago. Angel didn't know that either.

In 2006, best friends Angel and Shelly became a couple. I really was happy for them, because both of them are very good people. Their unique friendship has always inspired me. They've always been inseparable and I really wished that their relationship would always be like that.

I don't know why, but they broke up a year later. If they were best friends once, after they broke up they barely spoke to each other, if at all. Tragically, even the best friendships sometimes do not last forever.

* * * * *

It took me a while to get over Angel. I was afraid I would never fall in love again. But life goes on, people move on and start things over.

My own words kept coming back to my head...

"I promise that the next girl who would be willing to be with me, one that would break this sequence of misfortune in my life and make me happy unlike all those girls who didn't care to even get to know me better - I promise I'll do all that is in my powers to make her the happiest girl in the world! I promise I would never dare to cheat on her and I'd love her for the rest of my life by all means!"

Love her for the rest of my life? What if I am bound to love her for the rest of my life?!

In October 2007 I received a few SMS messages from Angel. She said she wanted to come to Israel in February and visit me. I was really surprised!

On 19th November 2007 I received an e-mail from Angel. In fact, she also sent me a letter and paid extra for express delivery, but it still took a long time to arrive. She couldn't wait until I receive it, so she wrote me an e-mail with some of the things that she needed to tell me.

Her mail letter had a more detailed description:

"I thought a lot about whether I'd write you this or not. But I think you'd know that. I've been thinking about our earlier relationship and to tell the truth, only with you I was really happy. We had so much in common, we had dreams together and we waited so long to meet each other at last. I know I hurt you a lot and I'm so happy that you're still talking to me as a normal friend!"

"...I know that we'd actually get to know each other better again because we don't know each other so well anymore, I think. But I'd accept that, if you want to start slowly! I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if you gave us one more chance! Us and our earlier dreams which might come true one day!"

"Dear (ID), if it means that I have to move to Israel to be with you, I'd do it... for you! I've been thinking about you so much! You were my first love and I still have feelings for you!"

"I don't know even if you're available at the moment... But I was so stupid to let go of you!

Well, now you know everything... please tell me if you still want me to come to visit you or if you'd feel uncomfortable or anything like that."

"Please take care of yourself! You'll always be in my heart!"

I couldn't believe my own eyes... It's been such a long time! How could this happen?

Unfortunately, she was too late. It's been a year since I got over her. Besides, I was in love with someone at the time, her timing was bad.

Can I love her again the way I did before? It's possible. But she's changed so much and I don't know her that well anymore. Should I give it a chance? Maybe I should, someday.

Angel didn't come to Israel on February 2008. It would've been bad timing.

She wanted to come in August but was late with the tickets. But earlier this month (September 2008) she finally booked a flight to Israel.

Her very first visit in the holy land is due this week. She'll only be here for 3 days, because she can't take many days off work, she just started working in a different hotel, in Berlin. It's gonna be awfully short, but she plans to come visit again in February.

I don't know what to expect or how our 2nd meeting will turn out. I just hope that she'll have a lot of fun in Israel, that she won't be disappointed by coming here.

Whatever happens, me and her have been friends for 5 years and we're gonna stay friends forever.

Can love be everlasting?

25th November, 2005

Fresh soldiers from March '05 have joined our battery and I finally became a sergeant. Soldiers who served over 2.4 years in the army become "senior", or in Hebrew "pazamnik".

Me and my mates from August '03 no longer have to clean up the base every morning and evening, commanders don't check our magazines, our weapons or water flasks. We can now have our own room where we can put a TV, PS2, DVD and other electronic appliances. We are first priority in choosing our missions - usually senior soldiers are riding the Humvees or take part in special operations, it's obviously much better than standing in a roadblock or guarding the base.

The main benefit a senior soldier receives for his last 8 months of mandatory service is home release. Depending on the missions and the capacity of available soldiers, seniors get extra days at home whenever possible. For example, instead of 16/5 (16 days at the base, 5 days at home), Seniors get 4/3 9/5 (4 days at the base, 3 days at home, then 9 days at the base and 5 days at home along with their team)

Nonetheless, despite the fact that our current mission does not require maximum capacity, our battery commander was daring enough to enforce a change in the policy of awarding seniors, which has been active ever since this battalion had been formed.

Senior soldiers including Alpha commanders (who've become victims of the policy as well) have set up several meetings with the battery commander and other officers (platoon commanders), laying out the arguments, explaining why awarding them with home release is important. The battery commander, however, refused to listen and insisted on equality - nobody gets extra days at home. He blamed the seniors for not doing enough for the battery. "Your job is to motivate the younger soldiers, to teach them of your experiences and serve as a good example for them. Instead, what you do all day long is sit on your butts in your rooms, watch TV and sleep all day long."

29th November, 2005

I feel like I MUST buy Angel a present. On what occasion? No occasion. She simply deserves it! I haven't given her a gift for a long time now. With her, everyday is like a special occasion. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I'm gonna buy her a gift today.

A few days later I received an SMS from Angel. She was thankful, telling me that I shouldn't have.

How would I describe my relationship with Angel at the moment? It's quite unclear. Over half a year ago she decided that it'd be better if we felt free to date other people. For how long? How long will our relationship will be in a suspended state? I wouldn't know. I only know this - I would do anything it takes to be with her, so if she ever decides that we're back together again, I will undoubtedly say yes!

12th December, 2005

Natalie contacted me. She says she's now in love with Dima, a guy she'd met online, he lives far away in the south, but after almost a year of contact they've finally met. I'm glad to see that she moved on.

She asked me if I could meet her and watch a movie together. For some reason, I felt like it was an offer I couldn't reject.

19th December, 2005

I've been thinking about this meeting with Natalie. When we were together, she was easily tempted to make out with other guys. What if the same thing happens with me?
How serious is her relationship with Dima? Is he, like Angel, simply wishes her to be happy and prefers to have an open long-distance relationship?

*a knock on the door*

She came inside my house and gave me a warm hug. I felt a sudden chilling wave, accompanied by old feelings that I used to have for Natalie. As we were watching the movie at my place, she leaned her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her arms. I hugged her back. I don't know why, but it was incredibly pleasant. It felt like we've just started a new relationship.

Me: "You're very tempting, you know that?"
Natalie: "Am I?"

She looked down at my lips, I looked back at hers. The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, what I wouldn't give away to kiss those lips once again!"

Me: "I don't wanna do something you might regret later on, this is your decision."
Natalie: "no, it's yours"
Me: "Mine? I have nothing to lose. You're the one who might end up cheating."

A short while later we were sitting so close to each other that our lips were only a few inches apart.

Me: "What would Dima say?"

I don't remember if I received an answer or not, but an instant later we were making out.

I walked her home and we've parted. On our way home she asked me to forget about everything, but when we reached her place, she had a change of mind: "I'm a smart girl. I know how to use guys properly. I have a friend who listens to me, a lover (me) and a boyfriend (Dima) all at the same time."

Me: "You can't date both of us. You have to make a decision."

This is not right. I don't wanna be anybody's lover, to make girls cheat.

She says she truly loves him, yet she cheats on him and desired to keep on doing it in the future.

Me: "You must tell him. Your conscience will eventually force you to."
Natalie: "No, I won't! He'll kill you if I do. You know how strong he is?"

That's a disregard to my own strength. I hate it when a girl thinks that some guy is stronger than me.

We parted. The next morning I was back in the army again.

I'm really really drawn to her physically, but her stiff character eliminates any possibility of us ever dating seriously again.

Should it be my problem that she cheats on Dima with me? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't let her cheat like that. Either way, I'd better move on and find myself someone.

22nd December, 2005

A radio show called "Mother's voice" will arrive here tomorrow. It's a show that interviews soldiers all over the country. They broadcast it on "Galei Tzahal".

Tonight I received a phone call from the show, a woman told me she was informed that I have a good story to tell. Apparently, someone from the battery had told them about my relationship with Angel. Oh man, I've never been interviewed, let alone live on the radio! Yet, somehow I couldn't say no.

Something else worries me though... Where is Angel? She hasn't replied to me for over 3 weeks. I've tried calling her on the phone, but she doesn't answer it. Has something happened to her? No! I don't care anymore if she has some bad news to tell me, I just want to know that she's alright.

23rd November, 2005

The radio crew has arrived to our base. We all gathered up in the dining room at 11am. My broadcast was about to begin at 12:30pm.

We had only 2 minutes to get ready. Me and Gil were up next. Gil was interviewed first. He talked about his relationship with Daniela, our battery secretary.

At the beginning it feels so tense, but once you start talking, you gain confidence and it even feels great!

Tami, the show hostess, asked me about how I've met Angel, what brought us closer together, our common interests and my trip to Germany. It was hard to explain everything briefly in a very short time interval, but I tried my best. Overall, I think it wasn't bad.

Only after my radio appearance was through have I realized that most of the soldiers were laughing the whole time. I couldn't believe it, but somehow I didn't really care.

The radio show gifted the battery with thermoses, t-shirts and a big TV screen.

24th December, 2005

Angel's absence has been bothering me a lot lately. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I couldn't take it anymore!

My mom kept Angel's home number somewhere. She wrote it down just in case, when I flew to Germany to meet her.

I called her home. Her brother had answered the phone after a few calls. He handed the phone over to his mom. She said Angel's out with friends, that she's alright. I thanked her and wished her a merry Christmas.

Phew! That's all I needed to know. But I still wonder why she doesn't talk to me...

25th December, 2005

I called her again. No answer. I called her home - Her mother answered, said Angel's in the shower.

A few minutes later I received a message from Angel: "Please don't call me at home again." Geez! "Ok. When can I call you then? I wanna talk to you." She wrote that I can call her mobile in a few minutes.

I could finally talk to her... She told me how she plans to quit her job, because her manager gets on her nerves and mistreats her. When I asked her why she didn't reply to my e-mails, messages and phone calls, she gave me the following explanation: when at work, she can't use her phone and she'd always forget to write or call back and she hasn't checked her e-mail for a very long time.

Of course I really wanted to believe that it's all a series of coincidences, but something didn't feel right. There was obviously more to it. I wish I knew what exactly.

If she really loved me, she would think about me and wonder how I'm doing, if I'm alright. But she didn't. It's like she doesn't care anymore!

We've known each other for 2.5 years. She'd always let me know how much she loves me, but not anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this, but since November it's no longer the same. Could it be that she no longer loves me? Could this be the end to our relationship?

Maybe it was over in March... What if I simply failed to read between the lines?

I've set out to prove that true love exists, that distance is not an obstacle in a serious relationship. If 2 people love each other, nothing can stand between them. This love... it can last forever. My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm crazy, but I'm pretty confident in what I believe. "You'll see..." I tell them, "I'll be the proof of my own words."

It takes 2 to prove that theory. Don't change your mind, Angel. If you love me, give me this opportunity. Everything will work out!

The D-day

20th November, 2005

My team arrived to the based after a short vacation at home. Not an hour later we were called to the cannons due to high alert. Lior, our new battery commander was excited to fire his first shells as a commander. The team on the other hand preferred it didn't happen. There's too much work after firing cannons, way too much.. We assured him that nothing would happen, we've been on high alert for months and nothing really happens.

21st November, 2005

2.55 P.M. - We were sitting in the club, watching TV when suddenly the alarm went off!

"Is it a drill?"
Tomer: "I'm telling you guys, it's not a drill! It's for real this time!!"

Some of the soldiers heard bangs a few minutes before the alarm. Then they saw smoke rising in different parts of the Hula valley.

We grabbed our weapons and sprinted towards the cannons. I ran as fast as I could, the sound of the alarm pumping up the adrenalin in my blood. It was the time to do our best, to do what were trained for.

I entered the howitzer, shortly afterwards the rest of the team arrived as well. Navigators, commanders and drivers should be the first to arrive.

Climbing up and looking outside the hatch, I could see black smoke rising from Rajar. Dozens of lights flashed in Rajar amidst the clouds that partially covered the village.

At first, we thought it was Hezbollah's positions, but then we realized it was Israeli territory which was under constant heavy fire.

"What is going on?! These sons of a bi$#@es! Why aren't we firing back?!"

Another pillar of smoke could be seen rising from the lower part of the Dov mountain, near an Israeli base.

Several times we could see something that resembled fireworks, a few dozen flashes in one place, like tiny bombs exploding one after another.

Meanwhile, all the citizens of nearby towns were asked to get down to bomb shelters. An estimate of 100,000 citizens went down to safety.

"Nothing like that has ever happened since the withdrawal of Israeli troops from Lebanon in 2000!"

A few of our soldiers were on their way back with supplies from another base. A Katyusha rocket hit the asphalt only a short distance behind them. Luckily, they weren't hurt. They couldn't believe it - Another second and they would've been killed!

Armed gunmen from Hezbollah entered the Israeli part of Rajar, driving bikes and four wheelers. A squad of 4 close in on an Israeli pillbox located on the border between the 2 countries. With their primary objective of kidnapping Israeli soldiers, dead or alive, they opened fire on the pillbox, but to their astonishment - the pillbox was unmanned. They continued their assault as they moved further south towards the only road leading from Rajar to Israel. An Israeli roadblock was ahead. They opened heavy fire, but the roadblock was deserted as well.

An Israeli squad from the paratroopers division was hiding in a building located opposite the roadblock. An Israeli sharpshooter by the name of Moskovic, fired at Hezbollah's gunmen and took them down one by one with the help of his assistant who helped him spot the targets. Within 12 seconds, all 4 Hezbollah gunmen were dead before they could even spot their shooter.

As a result, Hezbollah failed to kidnap Israeli soldiers. Papers were calling Moskovic a hero. He later received a badge of courage and a week-long vacation.

Back to our artillery base...

All of our equipment was soaked with water. The hatches were apparently left open the night before and the pouring rain's done its work. Dry or soaking wet, it didn't matter to us - In just a few minutes after the attack, we were authorized to fire back!

Not much could be seen beyond the mist that covered the whole valley, but the sound of landing rockets could still be heard.

The press have arrived and settled up on a hill just above our base to capture all the action on camera.

We were ordered to fire 'Scarf' shells. A relatively new type of shells that's never been used by IDF, except in training. These are the only shells fired from our howitzers that leave a white tail of smoke and can be seen in the sky from a distance.

One of the fresh soldiers from in the other team has accidentally dropped the 40kg shell on his foot. An ambulance arrived and evacuated him.

Over 200 shells have been fired from our howitzers and still counting...

When we came back to the base yesterday, 2 teams were released home. Today, however, they were called back to the base and had to arrive next morning.

The day turned into night, the fighting resumed. Another battery from a different battalion had settled nearby and joined us in shelling Hezbollah targets.

Now the mist has come to visit us. We were unable to see beyond 10 feet, but that didn't limit our capabilities. We kept receiving firing coordinates and fired as fast and accurate as we could.

The radio was always active. Commanders received firing authorizations and reported whenever the howitzer was locked-on and ready to fire.

A different kind of message was then heard on the radio. "2A(our battery) from 1B (our battalion's center of operations), one is on its way to you"

Some of our soldiers looked at each other with confusion on their faces: "What? One what?"
The answer followed in the form of explosion not too far from our base.

Our battery commander ran out and shouted: "Get all the soldiers off the ramps!" Curious soldiers wanted to see the whereabouts of that explosion.

"I saw it, it landed a few hundred feet away from us. I saw the sparkles." said Andrew, a new commander of 1A. His team is located next to ours.

"If it hits the cannon then we're doomed. This shit can't protect us even from a 7.62 bullet of Kalashnikov, A shell would undoubtedly pierce it."

"Incoming!" Boom! This time I saw it. There was light and a slightly loud noise. The electricity went down.

"Everybody get inside the vehicles. Get ready to move. Cease fire. I repeat - Get ready to move. Cease fire!" Our battery commander wanted us to drive our howitzers to secondary positions.

For the first time, we really feared for our lives. Hezbollah were targeting our base and it could be a matter of time before they hit the target. I tried to calm my teammates down: "Don't worry. What are the odds of a direct hit on our howitzer?

Despite the artillery fire on our positions, ALPHA drivers had to run down to the bunker where their vehicles parked. ALPHA are special vehicles for carrying a large supply of shells and compulsion explosives.

Another Katyusha landed nearby. This time it landed next to our kitchen and dining room, next to the fence bordering the base.

Roey, a soldier from team 1B could no longer take it. He ran away to men's room and hid there until it was all over.

Mark is a big, 40 year old guy from the battalion who works in the army as a mechanic, repairing vehicles. Nobody ever messes with the guy and he's very respected. He was at our base on duty during the shelling. When they started firing on us, he got into shock. He just stood there outside, unable to react. Medics were called in and evacuated him.

Daniel: "I need the curtain. Where is it?" (A curtain is a night vision periscope for night driving)
"Check below the benches." "It isn't there." We searched the whole howitzer, unable to find it.

Despair and panic were growing stronger with every passing minute. Hezbollah kept firing non-stop.

We received a report that a Hezbollah gunman was sighted approaching an Israeli base on mount Dov. He opened fire on the soldiers, but was gunned down a moment later. There were possibly other gunmen with him who've managed to flee.

About 10 minutes later we arrived to our secondary positions, leaving vital equipment at the base without which, we weren't authorized to fire. But by the time we arrived to our secondary positions, Hezbollah stopped firing on Israel.

Luckily, our kit bags were in the ALPHAs. They contained sleeping bags and warm military clothes. We've spent the night quietly inside the cannons, despite the rain that managed to soak some of the interior parts of the howitzer, where we were lying down.

That night, the first snow covered the Syrian part of mount Hermon.

Shivering from cold weather, we woke up early on the following day. I could barely recall my night shift, listening to the radio ready to alert the battery if anything happens.

We were given combat meals for breakfast. Half an hour later, a few cameramen arrived to our positions. They were AFP, Reuters and Ha-Aretz, according to what they've told us.

Rotem joked with them: "We've done a good job here, so show us on TV would you?"

We haven't been shown on the news. What happened in Rajar was much more interesting and important. The whole event circled around their planned assault in Rajar.

An hour later we were back at the base. It looked intact. Everything gradually went back to normal again.

Team 2C howitzer with Eyal standing outside were on 2nd page of Yediot Aharonot, the most selling Israeli newspaper. The photo was obviously edited on Photoshop, they copy-pasted some of the shells outside, but the end result was a spectacular photo.

Our battery commander congratulated us for our good work, said we fired 415 shells (more than on any event with Hezbollah in a decade) and killed 5 gunmen along with another battery.

Most guys hurrayed when they heard that. Killing Hezbollah gunmen sounds like quite an achievement. I wasn't happy to hear those news though.

Ever since the moment we were first informed that we'd be serving a few months at the northern border and facing Hezbollah, I wished that we won't have to fire on Lebanon, that there'll be no casualties. When using Artillery, you never know what the results might be. It's not 100% accurate and neither are the coordinations that we're being given. I hope that no one was killed by shells fired from my team's howitzer, but I'll never know.

What about those 5 who were killed? Were they filled with extreme hatred towards Israel? Were they just doing their job for money to support their families? Either way they knew they were risking their lives... but wait, we were risking our lives too. They may think that they risk their lives for their country and we, Israeli soldiers, think we risk our lives for ours. In that case, who's wrong and who's right? Who deserves to live and whose death is justified?

I think most of us are good people, seeking justice, often blind to see the other side of the coin. Some of us blindly follow ideas that involve hatred or racism, others join "anti" movements in which some people "hate" haters or express sympathy towards the haters on the other side.

While we have different views, we all want the same thing - peace, harmony, justice. Obviously there is a dispute in defining justice in the middle east. Maybe the first thing that needs to be taught in schools throughout the world is that conflicts shall never be solved with violence, but strictly with diplomacy. It is sufficient for a war to break out if one of the sides thinks otherwise. In that case, don't let students who haven't learned that lesson ever become world leaders, or worse - dictators.

* * * * *
Post-firing works continued for a week. All the artillery waste had to be removed and sorted. It was a long, never ending work that makes you wish not to fire the howitzers ever again. Huge piles of different kinds of boxes, cylinders, plastic bags and unused explosives.

Hezbollah are expected to launch another attack, following their yesterday's failure to kill or kidnap soldiers. It will probably take them months of planning, as usual. By that time, we'll probably be replaced by a different battery.

The Lebanese media has reported Hezbollah accusing Israel of launching an attack on Lebanon and forcing Hezbollah to take countermeasures to defend south Lebanon. Hezbollah own a TV channel called Al Manar. Obviously they would never admit defeat. Instead, they'd lie to the Lebanese people and make up false stories. They've filmed their attack on Rajar and on a paratroopers base in Hula valley near Rajar (they hit an empty Merkava tank with a rocket there). It's clear that the attack has been planned by Hezbollah for months.

Hezbollah won't be satisfied until they successfully abduct/kill Israelis.

A few days later, an Israeli citizen was carried away by the wind straight to Lebanon after he glided off the Manra cliff (a resort near Kiryat-Shmona and the Lebanese border). When Hezbollah gunmen spotted him, they ran towards him and opened fire. Israeli citizens who've witnessed the incident have called up IDF and opened the border gate to allow him to come back to Israel. Soldiers arrived to the scene and covered his retreat. Fortunately, he sustained no injuries and returned safely to Israel. He thanked IDF for saving his life. We too were called up to provide artillery support in case needed. A few hours passed until everything cooled down.

The punishment

On 31st October, 2005 I finally got rid of my clumsy weapon. I handed it over to a newcomer and instead received a regular, lightweight short M-16.

There's a plastic magazine holder that fits this type of weapon, it's called a "banana". I got one of those, only that it's slightly broken and falls off the weapon all the time. I used some tape to thicken the holder so that it would fit in the slot, but it's a bit too thick, so now I had to punch it to make it stick.

On the next day, like every other morning, I cleaned up the base and checked my magazines and flasks for full readiness. I put my vest on and inserted the holder along with a magazine inside the weapon, giving it a light punch.

When the time was up, we all stood in a "U" formation outside the barracks. The commanders were checking our magazines and flasks, just like they always do. When my commander approached me, I gave him all my magazines including the "banana" holder. He checked that one and noticed that a bullet was missing!

If you don't have your flasks and magazines full and you get caught, you can get a pretty bad punishment, depending for example on how many bullets you have missing. If one bullet's missing, you usually get a day or two - staying at the base while all the other soldiers go home. While it might not sound that horrible for someone who gets to see home everyday, for someone who doesn't see freedom for weeks, a day of vacation is a lot!

How come it was missing? I checked my vest, hoping to find a bullet to save myself from being punished, but couldn't find any. I was unable to explain my commander why it was missing.

"it probably fell off on his way here, it happened to Rami as well." - Daniel tried to help me.
"I checked the magazines before... it probably fell off on my way here" - I confirmed Daniel's word in what looked like a desperate attempt to save myself from an inevitable punishment.

Sometimes I forget to check that magazine, because it's always attached to my weapon. Therefore, it is highly likely that it had a bullet missing all along.

I got back to my room, feeling upset. As I sat down on my bed, I inserted the holder back into the weapon when I suddenly noticed how a bullet almost flew out of the magazine! I walked up to my commander and explained him this theory - just before having to join the formation, I checked the magazines and inserted the holder with a light punch. As a result, a bullet flew out of the magazine without my notice. I demonstrated him - as I punched the holder, a bullet jumped and almost got away. He then said: "Use something else. This "banana" isn't good." I nodded.

Since then, I use a rubber band and I check my magazines twice to make sure it never happens again. Does he believe me or will he give me a punishment? Will I get home on the 6th of November?

Days have passed and it seemed like he had completely forgotten about it.

6th November, 2005

We've been on high alert these days, spending most of our days and nights around the howitzers. At 1pm, an hour before the bus was going to arrive, my commander told me and my other teammates to change our uniforms and get ready to leave. We went back to our room to change our clothes.

Earlier that day, Daniel and Ido left the base on an earlier bus and Daniel overheard Ido speaking on the phone and saying that Shay and me are getting a 1-day punishment (we're usually told about such things on the last day, probably because they don't want to ruin our motivation straight away). Shay didn't brush his shoes on one of the days. Ido caught him and told him right away that he'll get a 1-day punishment. Shay's reaction was rather odd - he gave Ido a slap on the face.

I couldn't believe this. "What? He told me nothing! It has to be a mistake..."
"Don't worry" - Sharon was trying to calm me down while we were sitting in the dining room. "There's a military rule that requires the commanders to notify you of the given punishment 24 hours ahead, that is 24 hours before you go home."

We were talking discreetly, making sure no one could overhear our conversation. Rumors spread very quickly around here.

Before we're released home, we have to attend a briefing. One of the officers has to give us a routine briefing before we're released home. Michael was waiting for everyone to arrive. When he noticed me standing next to the other soldiers, waiting for the briefing, he asked my commander which 3 soldiers are supposed to stay at the base. "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)" "What? Rotem, Rami and Shay." He repeated: "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)", perhaps ignoring what I said.

Nitzan: "But (IsraeliDiary) is here." He pointed a finger at me.
The commander looked at me in astonishment, smiled, pointed his hand at me and said: "What? (IsraeliDiary)? What are you doing here? Don't you have a 1-day punishment?"

I couldn't believe this. It's so embarrassing for him to do something like this. "What? Me?! You didn't tell me anything..."

Michael was slightly amused. He took the commander aside talked to him in private. When they were finished, the commander called me up for a talk.

"After that incident you were supposed to understand that you have a 1-day punishment." (No way. Things never work that way! Commanders inform their soldiers of being punished. Soldiers aren't supposed to guess whether they're punished or not!)

Me: "but how come, I've explained it all to you."
"Yes, but still you had a bullet missing..."
Me: "yes, but it was an accident. You know that I'm a good soldier, I don't neglect military regulations and daily routines."
"Yes, you're a good soldier, but..."
Me: "Why punish me? A punishment is given to someone in order to make him realize he did something wrong and make him want to think twice before repeating the same mistake."
"You'll go home this time.."

On my way home, I tried not to have any eye contact with any of the commanders and officers on the bus. It was an unpleasant situation for us all. When my commander left the bus, he said goodbye and smiled at me. It made me wonder... what if he planned the whole thing, acted stupid to make sure that I won't get punished? Probably not, but you'll never know...

The punishment hasn't been given at all. It could not be postponed due to military rules. My commander left our battery on 18th November and was replaced by a friend of his, a guy who was in our battery for 4 months before he was sent off to the commanders course. His name is Lior.

Had I received the punishment, I would've become hostile towards the officers and the commanders, just like Daniel. It would've had serious consequences on my future in this battery. Either way, that didn't happen.

The past few weeks have been relatively difficult for us. A lot of training, classes and exams. No time for movies or anything of the kind.

14th November, 2005

In the army, when there's news, they're usually BAD news. Not this time, though. Sometimes they have pleasant surprises. Back in May 2005, while I was getting myself dirty working on the howitzer, my commander approached me and said: "get dressed", "huh?", "you're going to trial", "what? why?!", "just kidding! you're attending a memorial of a fallen soldier from our battalion."
As a result, me and some other soldiers got ourselves an extra day at home, since after the memorial they couldn't bring us back the base at the Golan Heights. It was pointless, since we were supposed to get home on the following day anyway.

This time, however, my commander surprised me with different news: "You want to fly to the USA?" He gave me a form to fill up and asked me to return it ASAP. I did.

2 months in the US for free, plus 800$ for spending. 4 soldiers from my battery were given the chance to participate. We'll have some interviews to pass. Who would reject that offer? ;)

* * * * *

For the last few weeks we've been on high alert. Spending cold days and freezing winter nights inside the howitzers, ready for anything. Hezbollah intend to kidnap soldiers. A special infantry force commences day and night operations close to the Lebanese border. We have to be ready, in case anything happens, to provide them with our assistance.

One thing really helped me kill the boredom. I use the cellphone to surf on Wikipedia. Its capabilities amaze me. You can learn so much about pretty much everything. I learned about the history of Germany, Iceland, Faroe Islands, Slovakia, Bulgaria, Lebanon, actors, scientists, national geographic, coca cola, Hezbollah, the Yom Kippur war and so on...

* * * * *
Meanwhile, the Hezbollah were in the final stages of their plan. After months of collecting data on IDF, training gunmen and planning operations, they were ready to strike.

Little did we know that the impending attack was to be launched on 18th November...

Some things get worse, others get better

18th October, 2005

A 17 year old girl was raped by her own boyfriend and his 4 friends for hours in an apartment in Givataim (part of the bigger Tel Aviv). The girl was drunk.

Her boyfriend, who'd been dating her for 6 months, decided to do something special for his friends that day - share his girlfriend with them. How sick is that?

Then I saw the picture in the newspaper where they'd met and immediately recognized the place. It was my neighborhood!

The guys are 25-28 year olds. She's only 17. Their names rang no bells.

19th October, 2005

I was talking to my friends in the army about the importance of keeping distance between boys and girls in the army. Coincidentally, they told me a secret which I promised to keep from other soldiers in the battery.

Half a year ago there were no female soldiers in our battery. A few months ago 2 girls joined us: Ravit, a female commander, and Daniela, a secretary, responsible mostly for... decorating the battery. She's finished her service a month ago, but now stories about her begin to surface.

One of the soldiers in the battery, Gil, is her boyfriend. They've had sex at the base. He'd tell his friends about this. Some saw him leaving the girls room at 5 am. (Ravit was at home during those days, Daniela was alone in the girls dormitory)

A few days ago she was brought back to the base for questioning, but was released with no charges due to lack of evidence. Yes, it's considered to be a serious offense in the army. If caught, soldiers are sent to jail for a few weeks, if I'm not mistaken.

Now.. the thing is, she also slept with Ido, a guy from my team. Ido?! That short little pervert who talks about his friends behind their backs, he's the one guy who's best at mocking people. He has a sharp tongue. Not once had it pissed me off, especially when he'd joke about Angel.

I didn't expect that from Daniela. She doesn't look like she would do such things.

A few Russian soldiers in our battery were caught when a few bottles with alcohol were discovered in one of the rooms. 2 of those guys were sent to jail for 15 days. The other one, the oldest one in the battery who was going to be released from the army next month, received 28 days of detention at the base. Apparently he was held responsible for that 'party' the other night.
The Ethiopian cook used to hide bottles of wine and give it to them to drink on Saturdays.

20th October, 2005

It's been days since I've received any messages from Angel. I wrote her a few times, but didn't get any replies.

Natalie, on the other hand, called me again. It ended in another fight. "Don't let your ego rise too high. Don't think that you're a perfect human being with superior beauty and intelligence."

"I am. It's a fact that guys try hard to get me and be with me. I'm wanted."

"Oh yeah? Then how come I didn't have to move a finger to get you? How come the only 2 guys that you loved have dumped you? Think about it. Ask yourself why."

"You and Amir were stupid enough to do it."

When you don't see a person that you have feelings for, you tend to forget all the negative experiences that you've had with him. Therefore, you begin to miss him, you remember the good times and wish you could meet again... and when you do, those fights eventually repeat themselves and you are reminded again of the negative side of your relationship. It goes on and on, until one day you decide to end it, once and for all. You can't ride the roller coaster forever.

Goodbye Natalie. You could've been everything for me. Not anymore.

21st October, 2005

This morning I received a message. It was from Angel!

"Hi Dearest! Man, I wanna be with you now! My endlessly shining star, the only light if I'd be sad. I miss you so incredibly much! I'm longing for the day we'll be together again!"

This message has unleashed all those feelings which I held back for a long time now. It made me wanna jump and scream: "ANGEL, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!"

23rd October, 2005

"If the day has come when everything is over and we're together, I'll be the happiest girl in the world. Just to think of you makes me happy! I love you more than anything!"

24th October, 2005

"Hi Dearest! Just had to think about you and wanted to say that I love you :) Looking forward to our future. *kiss*"

30th October, 2005

Angel:

The day that I've met you, I've opened my eyes
Everything changed since you've come into my life
Different emotions, I didn't have before
I'll never go my way alone anymore

So stay by my side, let's go for a ride
To distant places high up in the sky
My love's so true, it's stronger than I knew
Give me your hand, I'll always follow you!

2nd November, 2005

The situation is deteriorating. The battery is losing its will to go on in such poor conditions.
Ever since Ehud replaced Gil as our new battery commander, people started losing motivation.

Less days at home, more intensive training, punishments are more severe, there are now classes and exams that we have to take. From now on, we must walk with our weapons loaded, increasing the risk of releasing a bullet by mistake.

Even the commanders dislike Ehud. He doesn't seem to care. Military readiness is his 1st priority. It might also be his only priority.

I called Angel and talked with her for 20 minutes. Oh, it was soooo great! I'm looking forward to chatting with her.

She currently hangs out with a 20 year old guy, she told me. But they only talk. She even pays for her drinks by herself.

It appears that she didn't write that poetry by herself, but she feels every word of it. She said she'll always love me and no one else. I feel the same.

Even in such a bad period, her words make me happy! She missed her favorite TV series "The O.C." just to talk to me. I'm so happy! :)

Nobody has ever respected me that much. She's never said a bad word about me, she's never argued with me about anything. It's amazing that such people exist in this world. I wish everyone could find their soul mates like I did. It's something worth living for. She's definitely worth dying for.

Angel... I'll be damned if I ever hurt you!

3th November, 2005

We are now on high alert. Intelligence reports indicate that Hezbollah is planning to launch a strike anytime soon.

That means the following for us:
Teams don't go home. Everyone wakes up early in the morning. Nobody sleeps in the dorms, but outside the howitzers, ready for immediate response.

4th November, 2005

2 teams were finally released home. 18 days in the army is a long time.
We were ordered not to talk with our friends and family about everything that's going on here at the moment. Hezbollah might be listening to our conversations.

At noon, the operation began: Just a few minutes ago, we were confident that nothing was going to happen, but there we were, directing intensive fire towards southern Lebanon!

After 4 months of silence, the sky rained thunder, a noise that planted confusion both in the Israeli and Lebanese towns in the region.

We fired about 40-50 shells very rapidly. I prayed to God we didn't kill or injure any innocents. We are being told of the results, but you can't tell how accurate they are. You'll never know if you did something terrible. This is why I wished I wouldn't have to serve here, but there I was.

Lebanese news reported fire exchange between the Israeli army and Hezbollah, which is untrue.

Israeli news reported IDF's denial of those claims. IDF said it was only military training and a warning shot to Hezbollah in order to foil any future attempt of Hezbollah to carry out attacks on Israel.

According to IDF, the shells landed in Israeli territory. Have they? I doubt but sure hope so.

5th November, 2005

One of the teams was called back to the base at night. They were release home yesterday and now they were called back to the base. Poor guys! So unfair...

Today we've had some training. By the time that we finished, a car arrived to our base. It was channel 2 news! They asked us to do keep training so they could shoot us on camera.

In the evening we all anxiously waited for the news to start. They showed us in an article about the escalation in the north. Some guys were shown distinctively, I was only shown a couple of times barely recognizable.

That's the second time I'm on the news. Hehe. But bah, that doesn't count really.

Atonement

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.

I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.

It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?

One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?

Can't say what I'd have preferred.

The Combatant's ID

A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).

A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.

The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.

We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.

10th October, 2005

While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!

Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...

My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.
I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!

How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)

Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.

I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.

But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!

12th October, 2005

Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.

Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.

Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.

Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.

We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.

13th October, 2005

Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.

Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.

Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?

14th October, 2005

Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.

We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.

I really wish that for everyone!

Moving On

12th September, 2005

Nothing much has happened in the last week.

Chief Artillery officer Dan Kaspy has visited our base and announced his resignation. He was one of the founders of this base. As a way of saying goodbye, he fired the howitzer for one last time.

On another day, a group of high-ranking officers have arrived at our base for some conference. They were served a delicious meal while we - the regular soldiers - were given the ordinary B-type food we usually get. Well, what do we expect?

As part of the presentation we were supposed to fire a few shells, but my team didn't fire any... because of me.

I don't know who touched it, but the left joystick control switch was off and nobody noticed it - not me, not my commander or the officer who came to see why we weren't firing. We never use this switch, but since it's located next to my position in the howitzer, I think it was my responsibility after all. That didn't matter much, though. It was only a presentation... other howitzers fired anyway.

I sure hope that won't happen again, especially not when we're to fire at Hezbollah.

14th September, 2005

I finally arrived home. Natalie spent some time at my place. Sigh, I want some free time for myself.

It's funny how you're dying to date someone when you've been lonely for months, and how you're dying to be alone for a while, when you've been dating for months. You miss what you had. Can we ever balance the two?

We went to the cinema, watched "The Skeleton Key". I'm having with Natalie, but it feels like we're just good friends. I have feelings for her, but it's not love. Not anymore. I'm not trying to make things work between us, not anymore. Yet I don't want her to get hurt. I just know how it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Yet I think she belongs to the type of people who could easily fall out of love and move on.

Who would've imagined that such a beautiful girl would be in love with me and I'd reject her? Me? The guy who a few years ago was willing to give up everything just to be loved by someone?

Beautiful? It all comes down to character eventually. Rejection? How can one not reject someone who's cheated on him so many times.

The times have changed. I'm now more confident than ever. There are so many girls out there.

16th September, 2005

We spent the morning together in the park. In the evening she went out with her friends - a girlfriend and 2 guys. They went to the beach, spent time at a pub, drank a lot of beer and played billiard. She asked me to do her a favor - if her mom calls me, I should pretend that she's with me.

According to her, she drank 3 liters of beer that night.

A call... It was her mother.

Natalie's mother: "I can't reach Natalie, her phone's busy. She needs to get home by now."
Me: "Okay, I'll tell her to call you back..."
Natalie's mother: "It isn't normal to talk for that long."
Me: "I know, don't worry I'll tell her to get back home."
Natalie's mother: "Give her the phone."
Me: "She's busy talking to someone else. It's ok, I'll ask her to call you back."
Natalie's mother: "She never calls back. Give her the phone, let me speak to her."
Me: "Look, don't worry. She's coming home."

She's finally let it go. Phew!
I tried to reach Natalie, but the line was busy. Argh! I sent her an SMS.

A few minutes later her mother called again.
Natalie's mother: "Where is she? Why doesn't she answer the phone?"
Me: "I don't know."
Natalie's mother: "Give her to me."
Me: "She went aside to speak with her friend."
Natalie's mother: "What friend? Why did she go aside? Let me speak to her."

She was getting more and more impatient and I was running out of lies. I'm bad at this and I hate it. No more favors like that, Natalie.

Me: "She's busy, we're on our way home."
Natalie's mother: "Where are you now?"
Me: "Near the beach."
Natalie's mother: "Are you going home or what? What street is it?"
Me: "I don't know, there are no signs nearby."
Natalie's mother: "What?! You don't know where you are?"
Me: "No, I do. Somewhere on the way home."

I was losing my confidence as she couldn't stop questioning me.

Natalie's mother: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Yes."
Natalie's mother: "What street is it?"
Me: "Ummm, we're now at the end of Arlozorov"

Arlozorov? Are you crazy?! She'd never buy it!
Besides, I'm at home right now and there's no sound of cars or people anywhere near.

Natalie's mother: "Didn't you say you were near the beach?!"
Me: "Yeah, we already left it."
Natalie's mother: "Okay. Tell Natalie to be get home fast. She must not be late."

Natalie later called me and then talked with her mom. Being urged to get home, she took a cab, leaving her friends in the pub without paying for the beer.

She entered her home, barely standing on her feet. Drunk, she went to bed, hoping her parents wouldn't notice. They haven't noticed it since they were asleep, but they've punished her the next morning anyway.

17th September, 2005

We were planning to go to Ashqelon to my dad's. He's going to travel and leave us his apartment down by the beach. Natalie's parents forbade her to go. I wasn't excited about the idea anyway.

Instead, we went to Memadyon - a water park in northern Tel Aviv. We've been at all the attractions, swam a lot and ate a fine dinner, having a lot of fun overall... until an incident has happened...

In one of the swimming pools, she asked me to stand up on a slightly higher spot. The moment I stood there, she tried to pull my shorts down.

Beneath my swim shorts I wore no underwear and there were a lot of people around us. Some of them noticed her attempt and watched us with curiosity. Lucky for me, I reacted in time and saved myself the big embarrassment.

I asked her not to do that again, but she ignored my request and did it again when I least expected it, pulling my short halfway down, revealing part of my buttocks. Although I'm sure there was nothing spectacular to see, it was still rather embarassing. She burst into laughing.

"Are you stupid? Are you actually dumb?!"

The word "dumb" made her stop laughing. "How can you call me that? How you dare cursing me? No one ever does. I never cursed you."

We stopped talking to each other, each one swimming on his own. After we left the water park she still wouldn't talk to me. I tried to break the ice: "I'm tired of saying 'sorry' instead of you all the time. You should forget your ego for once and admit that you're wrong." She didn't...

Later that day I messaged her and we became friends again.

18th September, 2005

I visited Natalie today. She seemed to be fully obsessed with Yakir - he's one of the 2 guys she went out with 2 days ago. She couldn't stop talking about how much she missed him, how cute he is. She even showed me his pics. Bah! After that, she says that I have a bad taste?!

I told her yesterday, prior to the fight: "Look, it doesn't matter what you do and what happens between us, it doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna tell you this, but you must one day accept it: I don't love you and even if I ever do, we won't be together forever. That's why you should look for other guys."

She's meeting Yakir tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe she's beginning to accept it.

19th September, 2005

Natalie met Yakir this afternoon and guess what? All he did was talk about girls and sex.
"He's obsessed with his penis! He's so proud of it. He asked me if I wanna have sex with him, touch it and so on." She refused his offer, of course. She doesn't want to have any contact with him, which is pretty obvious.

What a jerk. At least he was honest about his intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are even worse than that.

Again did the guy triggered the opposite reaction. After telling me about her date with Yakir, she added: "I realized once again that I you're my one and only!"

Couldn't tell her the same thing. These guys - who are supposed to do the work - eventually end-up doing the exact opposite - they get her to the same conclusion over and over again, that I'm the one for her.

Have I experienced this... illusion for Angel? Is Angel the ultimate one for me? I don't know. I doubt it. Am I the best guy for Natalie? Certainly not!

It's just a matter of time before she realizes it...

24th September, 2005

During the last few days, Natalie would call me and ask me once in a while whether I love her. I never answered her question, letting her know that I most likely don't. "Say that you love me..." "..." then we would change the subject...

Lately she's been calling me more often, telling me stories about her school friends and asking me some stupid questions: "What are you doing? ...Why?" "Why that and not this?"

It went on and on until I finally said: "Do you have anything interesting to say to me? Something that you called me for?" "No." "Then let's get back to whatever we were doing." "Wait... you don't like talking to me?!" ... "Well, we've got nothing to talk about and these questions are really boring me..." <--- A fight trigger!

These words of mine have led us to the longest and probalby the worst fight we've ever had.

"You don't care about talking to me! Nobody's ever said such a thing to me! You're such an asshole! I love you and care about you, but you don't give a shit about my feelings!"

Then she wished me and Angel would burn in hell. She threatened to hurt me and Angel, called me a total egoist.

"How dare you call me an egoist? I spend all my money on you, I take you to places, I walk you home, always do as you say. I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me and Angel?"

At some point I told her: "You know what? I don't care if you commit a suicide, if you try to hurt Angel or any other stuff. I don't want it to happen, but I don't care. It's your life. I just don't want us to break up as enemies, but as friends. I'll always like you and remember the good things about you."

She told me I'm the host hated person in the world, after her parents.

After another argument, it was sudden silence... The next thing I heard was her crying. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"I love you... I love you so much" she said while crying. A minute later she told me she didn't mean all the things she had said. Deep down inside, she did.

It's like a demon and an angel are trapped together in her soul, each one taking possession of her mind at a different time. I'm sorry Natalie, but I can't cope with that demon inside you.

25th September, 2005

We were talking phone today... I don't remember exactly what we were saying, but at one time these words have escaped my mouth: "I don't love you". She was shocked. In an instant she became very upset. "You dont.... love me?" "What? But Natalie, don't pretend you didn't know it. Why do you think I never answered whenever you asked me if I loved you. I thought you knew..."

I'm sure she knew. She just didn't want to accept it, hoping that one day I would give her a positive answer.

26th September, 2005

My team and team 2C walked down the road to a spring not far from our base.

Among the ruins of what probably used to be a Syrian village before the war, there was a small spring. A good place to light a fire and enjoy the nature.

Me and Daniel decided to take a walk, before the barbeque is ready. I asked him for advice - What is the best way to make Natalie stop loving me? He suggested that I stop showing emotions: Don't call her back, don't show any interest, be cold to her.

As absurd as it sounds, it seems to be true. If you really care about somebody, sometimes you have to cruel to him, for his own good.

28th September, 2005

Natalie called me, telling me that she smoked 21 cigarettes in just a few hours. She cries all day. I had nothing to say. What's her next move? This is getting scary.

The next time she called I told her that smoking and crying isn't gonna help, that it repulses me and that if she does that just to draw my attention and get my sympathy - this isn't going to work. She replied: "I don't wanna talk with you anymore right now. Bye"

30th September, 2005

This month is coming to an end, and so is my relationship with Natalie.

I never call her or initiate a conversation when she's online. When we do talk, I try to say as little as possible without revealing any emotions.

1st October, 2005

She calls me and tells me something terrible has happened. Last night she, Alice, Max and Alexey (her friends) walked on Bialik st. in Ramat Gan. They went to buy some beer when they were approached by 5 Russian guys a few years older than them.

These guys have threatened them and asked to join them. They beat Max in the face, took his cellphone and 140 shekels from his wallet.

They were forced to follow the guys to a bar where some 20 other guys where waiting for them. They sat down drank some vodka with juice. Natalie and her friends were sitting beside them, scared.

The Russian guys got drunk and flirted with Natalie and Alice. Being surrounded by some 30 men, running away was not a possibility.

The guys started touching their bodies. When Natalie and Alice tried to protect themselves, a few other guys approached the girls from behind, pulled their hands back and locked them up behind their backs so that they wouldn't resist. The girls could do nothing but scream, and when they did, one of the guys told his friends to let them go.

When they went out of the bar, they saw a guy sitting on the bumper of a car, smoking a cigarette. The Russian guys approached him and ordered him to scram. When he refused, they beat him in the face and broke his hand.

Natalie said they're going to go to the police and report it. The guy who stole Max's phone, gave him his own. Maybe it could lead the police to that guy.

One good thing came out of this whole story, though. She now likes Max.

The next day she wrote: "I'm in love..."
"With whom?" "With Max."
"And what about him?"
"I don't know. Alexey said he'll make sure we'll be together."

Finally, I can mark the end of this troublesome and complicated relationship with Natalie.

I'm glad it took so little time for her to "forget" me.

Thank you, Natalie. Now we both can move on with our lives.

The search for innocence

2nd September, 2005

Gal went on a date with Natalie at 10pm. Meanwhile, I talked to Angel, told her everything.

Angel: "You know what I think about you?"
Me: "That I'm a complete idiot?"
Angel: "No! That I love you more than the whole world!."
Me: "Sorry, I was joking. =) I love you too, Angel."

We're going to be together again, I know it now!

3rd September, 2005

It seems that Angel is on some kind of an apprenticeship program, which means she'll have to work at hotels for 3 years. After that, she'll be qualified to work at hotels everywhere in the world. That means we have to wait another 2-3 years from the moment that I finish the army? I guess so. I'll begin attending the university in the meanwhile, but the moment I finish my military service, I'd like to go on a week-long vacation with her somewhere abroad. That would be fun!

Me: "We always tend to put love in 2nd priority, delaying for later years. Maybe it's meant to be this way, but what if this love will make us much happier? It will surely change our lives... or maybe this love is too perfect to be realized one day?"

Angel: "I don't know... With you I have so many dreams. One guy said that it's good to dream, dreams are what we are living for."

Me: "It's not just dreams. We've realized some of them when we've met. It is possible!"

We've talked about the girl that she likes. She said she doesn't know if she actually loves her, that they've kissed and nothing else. She said she doesn't wanna fall in love with girls again, it's not pleasant. She'll try not to.

I asked her if it's right to date other people. I may meet some other girl and fall in love with her, like it happened with Natalie. She said she doesn't mind, she doesn't have any problems with that.

She's always wanted me to be happy, whether I'm with or without her.

She asked me if it's alright for her to date other girls. No, I don't mind.

What an interesting relationship we're having here: Free of commitments and full understanding.


* * * * *

Natalie spoke to me about her date with Gal. "It was fun." He took her to the beach, bought her some flowers and in less than an hour he took her back home with his car. There, they've said goodbye.

He lives nearby. She likes him. "He only had 2 girlfriends in his life. One in 5th grade, the other in 11th." She said he's really nice and romantic.

Me: "Did you kiss?"
Natalie: "No.
Me: "Why?"
Natalie: "Why would we? (IsraeliDiary), tell me the truth... do you love me?"

A pause...

Me: "It doesn't matter, cause even if I don't, I can't say it after what had happened."
Natalie: "Do you??"
Me: "I don't know. I do feel pain and jealousy, but with time I feel it less and less."
Natalie: "So you don't. :("
Me: "Look, I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I want you to be happy. Don't get stuck on me, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I really wanted to part in a way it would least hurt you."
Natalie: "So what will we be, friends?"
Me: "Yeah, we may meet and do things together, only that this time we'll both have our freedom. No obligations, no common future. ;) Everything stays the same!"
Natalie: "Except your love for me. :("
Me: "Who knows? What is certain is that I'll always like you."

I remember how a couple of months ago she wanted us to be free, to date other people, yet be together. Well, she got it now, only without the 'love' part.


* * * * *

She had another date with Gal.

For some reason I feel jealous. Natalie with another guy? My Natalie?!

Whenever she cheated on me it would hurt me so badly I wished it never happened... and now I'm telling her to feel free to go out with other guys.

It's like I'm giving her a permission to cheat. It still hurts... a bit less, but it still does.

I don't want to break up with her and leave her on her own. It would be best if I help her forget about me by finding another guy. That's what I'm trying to do.

9:45 pm - A phone call...

Me: "Hello?"
Natalie: "Are you busy?"
Me: "Umm... no."
She sniffed, implying that she's in a bad mood.
Me: "What happened?"
Natalie: "Nothing."
Her voice sounded rather wounded.
Me: "Natalie - what's wrong? Is it your parents? Is it Gal?"
Natalie: "No..."
Me: "Is it Shachar?"
Natalie: "No."
Me: "Is it... me?"
Natalie: "Yes.."
Me: "What happened? What did I do?"
She started crying!
Me: "Please don't cry, tell me what happened.."

But my words only made her cry louder and more bitter. I could feel her pain.

Natalie: "I love you, I love you so much! I don't need anyone else but you."
She said those words in a deeply hurt voice.
Natalie: "I love you and I'll never love anyone else. You're the only one for me!"

Oh no.. My eyes were filled with tears that within seconds were all over my face. I couldn't bear hearing her cry like that.

Me: "Natalie, please don't cry. I'm here, I'm not leaving you."
Natalie: "Yes you are. It's not the same. You don't love me anymore... When Gal walked me home and we kissed, I was sure it was you.. but when I opened my eyes I saw him.. and I cried!"
"He's nice, he's charming and all that, but you are the one for me, I want you and nobody else."

She had shocked me once again. I didn't know what to say or do. Trying to find her another guy had only produced the opposite result.

I said something which she didn't buy, but it was true in a way: "What if I love you and I want you to be the happiest... and I realized that I can't give you this happiness so I decided to make you stop loving me so by finding another guy who suits you more?"

(What the hell was I trying to say here? How would that help anything?)

These were Amir's words and I said them to her just like he did, without even realizing that. He said to her: "What if I love you so much that I want you to be the happiest and I realized that I cannot give you all that you wish..."

Later at night I told her that everything's still possible. We can still be together. I may love her one day. "It's your behavior that made my love fade away. When we fight, your dignity is more important to you, you're convinced that you're always right and if I disagree then I can go to hell. You also never say sorry. You have a high ego and it destroys everything. Sometimes you're romantic, sweet and lovable. Don't put yourself above people, put the people you love above yourself. Will you change?"

Natalie: "I'll try. :)"

Will she, really?

5th September, 2005

I watched the movie "The Notebook" and it reminded me of my relationships with Angel and Natalie.

Maybe it doesn't matter how much we fight, as long as we never give up on each other and do our best to change ourselves for the sake of the relationship, things might eventually work out.

The value of innocence

My recent conversation with Daniel kept me thinking about this for a while now...

Daniel's a good guy. He's my best friend in the battery and we get along quite well, most of the time.

However, there are a few things I don't like about him. The first one is his political view, or in other words, his hatred. He says that if an Israeli guy becomes a suicide bomber and blows himself up to pieces, killing Palestinian men, women and children, it will be justified since that's what the Palestinians do to us. Eye to eye, that is.

Another thing I dislike is his tendency to steal things. He would only steal military equipment and only from other batteries, but that's stealing all the same.

Apart from that, he's a really good guy. He shares everything with his friends, he volunteers and helps everyone. He doesn't like the commanders and officers, after they failed him twice, taking away his vacations, but he has nothing against the new commanders and officers who apparently haven't failed him, yet.

Back to the point.

One day we were talking about our parents. He said his father used to hit him with a leather belt when he was a child, punishing him for misbehaving. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me with a belt, although he would sometimes threaten to do so.

Daniel: "That's why you grew up to be an innocent kind of guy, not violent, not a trouble maker."
I never really thought about that, but I guess there is something to it.

He told me how he once ran away from home and stayed overnight at his friend's house. The next day he had to come back, after his friends phoned his parents and told them of his whereabouts.

"They didn't show any mercy that day." he said.

Innocence... What is innocence, really?

Yesterday I talked to Alice. She was my girlfriend 5 years ago, when we were still kids. I was 14, she was 13. I remember being very excited about sex back then. She, obviously, wasn't ready yet. She was a quiet, shy girl. Not one you would commonly consider a good looking, yet she was my type.

A year ago I met her online. When I asked her if she has a boyfriend, her reply shocked me. She said she has a 'f**k-friend'. Alice?! You? A what? No way!

But this wasn't all... 3 years after we were a couple, when she was 16 years old, she apparently became very attractive. She said guys started asking her out in pubs and clubs and it raised her ego. Since then she'd had countless 'f**k-friends'.

Even though I have no feelings towards Alice anymore, I couldn't stop wondering what had happened to that sweet innocent girl I once knew.

She serves in Border Police. Bad job, bad people. She wants out. She asked to be transferred, but they refused. She escaped home. When she came back she was punished, put on trial and sentenced to a few weeks in military jail. Today she'll go to Bakum for a health commission that might lower her profile and get her some place better.

Good luck, Alice. She had to go.

I often think about this troubling sex issue. Why do guys love to f**k every girl they see? So many guys see girls as nothing more than sex subjects. I feel attraction to a lot of girls too, but what's wrong with being with one girl? There usually isn't much difference. Don't you prefer to have something unique, something special with one single person?

I know, there's this desire of being loose, doing whatever you want without caring about anything, sleep with countless women 'cause you only live once... but something tells me it's wrong, totally wrong. It's dirty.

Maybe I'm just an innocent guy and one day I'll realize that this is life - you live to enjoy and when you're innocent, you miss so much because you keep yourself away from so many things. So maybe you should give in, lose your innocence completely, forget about conscience, about what's right and what's wrong and just live your life by your own rules.

But how can you look in your girlfriend's eyes and, even if it was way back in the past, imagine her getting laid with guys who didn't even know her name, who'd met her at the pub or at a party while being half drunk. You imagine the worst things and it tears you apart. You just can't help it. On one hand, you wanna know the whole truth. On the other hand, you wish you had never heard it.

...and when you're past your teenage years and you open your eyes, you look around you and see how your friends go astray and follow the path of lust and meaningless sex. It hurts more when it comes to girls. They are the symbol of innocence to me.

I can't say it's easy to follow a different path. In some way you envy your friends for their sexual experiences with girls, but you convince yourself that what you do is special and is worth it. Save yourself for someone special and you'll be rewarded.

I'd like to think that guys who 'fool around' in their early years only get what they deserve - girls of the same kind. But that's not the way it goes, is it? So many people are being fooled by love.

I don't believe that guys who chased sex until the age of 30 and decided it was time to stabilize their lives and get married would ever change. They would most likely cheat.

It makes you sad when you see a decent woman falls victim to a bad husband. It works the other way around too, but much less often.

Perhaps this world is not the best place to look for innocence, however, I'm not willing to give up my search. I'm sure everyone can find his own place in this world.