The punishment

On 31st October, 2005 I finally got rid of my clumsy weapon. I handed it over to a newcomer and instead received a regular, lightweight short M-16.

There's a plastic magazine holder that fits this type of weapon, it's called a "banana". I got one of those, only that it's slightly broken and falls off the weapon all the time. I used some tape to thicken the holder so that it would fit in the slot, but it's a bit too thick, so now I had to punch it to make it stick.

On the next day, like every other morning, I cleaned up the base and checked my magazines and flasks for full readiness. I put my vest on and inserted the holder along with a magazine inside the weapon, giving it a light punch.

When the time was up, we all stood in a "U" formation outside the barracks. The commanders were checking our magazines and flasks, just like they always do. When my commander approached me, I gave him all my magazines including the "banana" holder. He checked that one and noticed that a bullet was missing!

If you don't have your flasks and magazines full and you get caught, you can get a pretty bad punishment, depending for example on how many bullets you have missing. If one bullet's missing, you usually get a day or two - staying at the base while all the other soldiers go home. While it might not sound that horrible for someone who gets to see home everyday, for someone who doesn't see freedom for weeks, a day of vacation is a lot!

How come it was missing? I checked my vest, hoping to find a bullet to save myself from being punished, but couldn't find any. I was unable to explain my commander why it was missing.

"it probably fell off on his way here, it happened to Rami as well." - Daniel tried to help me.
"I checked the magazines before... it probably fell off on my way here" - I confirmed Daniel's word in what looked like a desperate attempt to save myself from an inevitable punishment.

Sometimes I forget to check that magazine, because it's always attached to my weapon. Therefore, it is highly likely that it had a bullet missing all along.

I got back to my room, feeling upset. As I sat down on my bed, I inserted the holder back into the weapon when I suddenly noticed how a bullet almost flew out of the magazine! I walked up to my commander and explained him this theory - just before having to join the formation, I checked the magazines and inserted the holder with a light punch. As a result, a bullet flew out of the magazine without my notice. I demonstrated him - as I punched the holder, a bullet jumped and almost got away. He then said: "Use something else. This "banana" isn't good." I nodded.

Since then, I use a rubber band and I check my magazines twice to make sure it never happens again. Does he believe me or will he give me a punishment? Will I get home on the 6th of November?

Days have passed and it seemed like he had completely forgotten about it.

6th November, 2005

We've been on high alert these days, spending most of our days and nights around the howitzers. At 1pm, an hour before the bus was going to arrive, my commander told me and my other teammates to change our uniforms and get ready to leave. We went back to our room to change our clothes.

Earlier that day, Daniel and Ido left the base on an earlier bus and Daniel overheard Ido speaking on the phone and saying that Shay and me are getting a 1-day punishment (we're usually told about such things on the last day, probably because they don't want to ruin our motivation straight away). Shay didn't brush his shoes on one of the days. Ido caught him and told him right away that he'll get a 1-day punishment. Shay's reaction was rather odd - he gave Ido a slap on the face.

I couldn't believe this. "What? He told me nothing! It has to be a mistake..."
"Don't worry" - Sharon was trying to calm me down while we were sitting in the dining room. "There's a military rule that requires the commanders to notify you of the given punishment 24 hours ahead, that is 24 hours before you go home."

We were talking discreetly, making sure no one could overhear our conversation. Rumors spread very quickly around here.

Before we're released home, we have to attend a briefing. One of the officers has to give us a routine briefing before we're released home. Michael was waiting for everyone to arrive. When he noticed me standing next to the other soldiers, waiting for the briefing, he asked my commander which 3 soldiers are supposed to stay at the base. "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)" "What? Rotem, Rami and Shay." He repeated: "Rotem, Rami and (IsraeliDiary)", perhaps ignoring what I said.

Nitzan: "But (IsraeliDiary) is here." He pointed a finger at me.
The commander looked at me in astonishment, smiled, pointed his hand at me and said: "What? (IsraeliDiary)? What are you doing here? Don't you have a 1-day punishment?"

I couldn't believe this. It's so embarrassing for him to do something like this. "What? Me?! You didn't tell me anything..."

Michael was slightly amused. He took the commander aside talked to him in private. When they were finished, the commander called me up for a talk.

"After that incident you were supposed to understand that you have a 1-day punishment." (No way. Things never work that way! Commanders inform their soldiers of being punished. Soldiers aren't supposed to guess whether they're punished or not!)

Me: "but how come, I've explained it all to you."
"Yes, but still you had a bullet missing..."
Me: "yes, but it was an accident. You know that I'm a good soldier, I don't neglect military regulations and daily routines."
"Yes, you're a good soldier, but..."
Me: "Why punish me? A punishment is given to someone in order to make him realize he did something wrong and make him want to think twice before repeating the same mistake."
"You'll go home this time.."

On my way home, I tried not to have any eye contact with any of the commanders and officers on the bus. It was an unpleasant situation for us all. When my commander left the bus, he said goodbye and smiled at me. It made me wonder... what if he planned the whole thing, acted stupid to make sure that I won't get punished? Probably not, but you'll never know...

The punishment hasn't been given at all. It could not be postponed due to military rules. My commander left our battery on 18th November and was replaced by a friend of his, a guy who was in our battery for 4 months before he was sent off to the commanders course. His name is Lior.

Had I received the punishment, I would've become hostile towards the officers and the commanders, just like Daniel. It would've had serious consequences on my future in this battery. Either way, that didn't happen.

The past few weeks have been relatively difficult for us. A lot of training, classes and exams. No time for movies or anything of the kind.

14th November, 2005

In the army, when there's news, they're usually BAD news. Not this time, though. Sometimes they have pleasant surprises. Back in May 2005, while I was getting myself dirty working on the howitzer, my commander approached me and said: "get dressed", "huh?", "you're going to trial", "what? why?!", "just kidding! you're attending a memorial of a fallen soldier from our battalion."
As a result, me and some other soldiers got ourselves an extra day at home, since after the memorial they couldn't bring us back the base at the Golan Heights. It was pointless, since we were supposed to get home on the following day anyway.

This time, however, my commander surprised me with different news: "You want to fly to the USA?" He gave me a form to fill up and asked me to return it ASAP. I did.

2 months in the US for free, plus 800$ for spending. 4 soldiers from my battery were given the chance to participate. We'll have some interviews to pass. Who would reject that offer? ;)

* * * * *

For the last few weeks we've been on high alert. Spending cold days and freezing winter nights inside the howitzers, ready for anything. Hezbollah intend to kidnap soldiers. A special infantry force commences day and night operations close to the Lebanese border. We have to be ready, in case anything happens, to provide them with our assistance.

One thing really helped me kill the boredom. I use the cellphone to surf on Wikipedia. Its capabilities amaze me. You can learn so much about pretty much everything. I learned about the history of Germany, Iceland, Faroe Islands, Slovakia, Bulgaria, Lebanon, actors, scientists, national geographic, coca cola, Hezbollah, the Yom Kippur war and so on...

* * * * *
Meanwhile, the Hezbollah were in the final stages of their plan. After months of collecting data on IDF, training gunmen and planning operations, they were ready to strike.

Little did we know that the impending attack was to be launched on 18th November...

Some things get worse, others get better

18th October, 2005

A 17 year old girl was raped by her own boyfriend and his 4 friends for hours in an apartment in Givataim (part of the bigger Tel Aviv). The girl was drunk.

Her boyfriend, who'd been dating her for 6 months, decided to do something special for his friends that day - share his girlfriend with them. How sick is that?

Then I saw the picture in the newspaper where they'd met and immediately recognized the place. It was my neighborhood!

The guys are 25-28 year olds. She's only 17. Their names rang no bells.

19th October, 2005

I was talking to my friends in the army about the importance of keeping distance between boys and girls in the army. Coincidentally, they told me a secret which I promised to keep from other soldiers in the battery.

Half a year ago there were no female soldiers in our battery. A few months ago 2 girls joined us: Ravit, a female commander, and Daniela, a secretary, responsible mostly for... decorating the battery. She's finished her service a month ago, but now stories about her begin to surface.

One of the soldiers in the battery, Gil, is her boyfriend. They've had sex at the base. He'd tell his friends about this. Some saw him leaving the girls room at 5 am. (Ravit was at home during those days, Daniela was alone in the girls dormitory)

A few days ago she was brought back to the base for questioning, but was released with no charges due to lack of evidence. Yes, it's considered to be a serious offense in the army. If caught, soldiers are sent to jail for a few weeks, if I'm not mistaken.

Now.. the thing is, she also slept with Ido, a guy from my team. Ido?! That short little pervert who talks about his friends behind their backs, he's the one guy who's best at mocking people. He has a sharp tongue. Not once had it pissed me off, especially when he'd joke about Angel.

I didn't expect that from Daniela. She doesn't look like she would do such things.

A few Russian soldiers in our battery were caught when a few bottles with alcohol were discovered in one of the rooms. 2 of those guys were sent to jail for 15 days. The other one, the oldest one in the battery who was going to be released from the army next month, received 28 days of detention at the base. Apparently he was held responsible for that 'party' the other night.
The Ethiopian cook used to hide bottles of wine and give it to them to drink on Saturdays.

20th October, 2005

It's been days since I've received any messages from Angel. I wrote her a few times, but didn't get any replies.

Natalie, on the other hand, called me again. It ended in another fight. "Don't let your ego rise too high. Don't think that you're a perfect human being with superior beauty and intelligence."

"I am. It's a fact that guys try hard to get me and be with me. I'm wanted."

"Oh yeah? Then how come I didn't have to move a finger to get you? How come the only 2 guys that you loved have dumped you? Think about it. Ask yourself why."

"You and Amir were stupid enough to do it."

When you don't see a person that you have feelings for, you tend to forget all the negative experiences that you've had with him. Therefore, you begin to miss him, you remember the good times and wish you could meet again... and when you do, those fights eventually repeat themselves and you are reminded again of the negative side of your relationship. It goes on and on, until one day you decide to end it, once and for all. You can't ride the roller coaster forever.

Goodbye Natalie. You could've been everything for me. Not anymore.

21st October, 2005

This morning I received a message. It was from Angel!

"Hi Dearest! Man, I wanna be with you now! My endlessly shining star, the only light if I'd be sad. I miss you so incredibly much! I'm longing for the day we'll be together again!"

This message has unleashed all those feelings which I held back for a long time now. It made me wanna jump and scream: "ANGEL, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!"

23rd October, 2005

"If the day has come when everything is over and we're together, I'll be the happiest girl in the world. Just to think of you makes me happy! I love you more than anything!"

24th October, 2005

"Hi Dearest! Just had to think about you and wanted to say that I love you :) Looking forward to our future. *kiss*"

30th October, 2005

Angel:

The day that I've met you, I've opened my eyes
Everything changed since you've come into my life
Different emotions, I didn't have before
I'll never go my way alone anymore

So stay by my side, let's go for a ride
To distant places high up in the sky
My love's so true, it's stronger than I knew
Give me your hand, I'll always follow you!

2nd November, 2005

The situation is deteriorating. The battery is losing its will to go on in such poor conditions.
Ever since Ehud replaced Gil as our new battery commander, people started losing motivation.

Less days at home, more intensive training, punishments are more severe, there are now classes and exams that we have to take. From now on, we must walk with our weapons loaded, increasing the risk of releasing a bullet by mistake.

Even the commanders dislike Ehud. He doesn't seem to care. Military readiness is his 1st priority. It might also be his only priority.

I called Angel and talked with her for 20 minutes. Oh, it was soooo great! I'm looking forward to chatting with her.

She currently hangs out with a 20 year old guy, she told me. But they only talk. She even pays for her drinks by herself.

It appears that she didn't write that poetry by herself, but she feels every word of it. She said she'll always love me and no one else. I feel the same.

Even in such a bad period, her words make me happy! She missed her favorite TV series "The O.C." just to talk to me. I'm so happy! :)

Nobody has ever respected me that much. She's never said a bad word about me, she's never argued with me about anything. It's amazing that such people exist in this world. I wish everyone could find their soul mates like I did. It's something worth living for. She's definitely worth dying for.

Angel... I'll be damned if I ever hurt you!

3th November, 2005

We are now on high alert. Intelligence reports indicate that Hezbollah is planning to launch a strike anytime soon.

That means the following for us:
Teams don't go home. Everyone wakes up early in the morning. Nobody sleeps in the dorms, but outside the howitzers, ready for immediate response.

4th November, 2005

2 teams were finally released home. 18 days in the army is a long time.
We were ordered not to talk with our friends and family about everything that's going on here at the moment. Hezbollah might be listening to our conversations.

At noon, the operation began: Just a few minutes ago, we were confident that nothing was going to happen, but there we were, directing intensive fire towards southern Lebanon!

After 4 months of silence, the sky rained thunder, a noise that planted confusion both in the Israeli and Lebanese towns in the region.

We fired about 40-50 shells very rapidly. I prayed to God we didn't kill or injure any innocents. We are being told of the results, but you can't tell how accurate they are. You'll never know if you did something terrible. This is why I wished I wouldn't have to serve here, but there I was.

Lebanese news reported fire exchange between the Israeli army and Hezbollah, which is untrue.

Israeli news reported IDF's denial of those claims. IDF said it was only military training and a warning shot to Hezbollah in order to foil any future attempt of Hezbollah to carry out attacks on Israel.

According to IDF, the shells landed in Israeli territory. Have they? I doubt but sure hope so.

5th November, 2005

One of the teams was called back to the base at night. They were release home yesterday and now they were called back to the base. Poor guys! So unfair...

Today we've had some training. By the time that we finished, a car arrived to our base. It was channel 2 news! They asked us to do keep training so they could shoot us on camera.

In the evening we all anxiously waited for the news to start. They showed us in an article about the escalation in the north. Some guys were shown distinctively, I was only shown a couple of times barely recognizable.

That's the second time I'm on the news. Hehe. But bah, that doesn't count really.

Atonement

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.

I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.

It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?

One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?

Can't say what I'd have preferred.

The Combatant's ID

A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).

A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.

The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.

We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.

10th October, 2005

While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!

Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...

My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.
I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!

How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)

Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.

I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.

But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!

12th October, 2005

Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.

Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.

Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.

Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.

We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.

13th October, 2005

Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.

Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.

Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?

14th October, 2005

Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.

We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.

I really wish that for everyone!

Moving On

12th September, 2005

Nothing much has happened in the last week.

Chief Artillery officer Dan Kaspy has visited our base and announced his resignation. He was one of the founders of this base. As a way of saying goodbye, he fired the howitzer for one last time.

On another day, a group of high-ranking officers have arrived at our base for some conference. They were served a delicious meal while we - the regular soldiers - were given the ordinary B-type food we usually get. Well, what do we expect?

As part of the presentation we were supposed to fire a few shells, but my team didn't fire any... because of me.

I don't know who touched it, but the left joystick control switch was off and nobody noticed it - not me, not my commander or the officer who came to see why we weren't firing. We never use this switch, but since it's located next to my position in the howitzer, I think it was my responsibility after all. That didn't matter much, though. It was only a presentation... other howitzers fired anyway.

I sure hope that won't happen again, especially not when we're to fire at Hezbollah.

14th September, 2005

I finally arrived home. Natalie spent some time at my place. Sigh, I want some free time for myself.

It's funny how you're dying to date someone when you've been lonely for months, and how you're dying to be alone for a while, when you've been dating for months. You miss what you had. Can we ever balance the two?

We went to the cinema, watched "The Skeleton Key". I'm having with Natalie, but it feels like we're just good friends. I have feelings for her, but it's not love. Not anymore. I'm not trying to make things work between us, not anymore. Yet I don't want her to get hurt. I just know how it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Yet I think she belongs to the type of people who could easily fall out of love and move on.

Who would've imagined that such a beautiful girl would be in love with me and I'd reject her? Me? The guy who a few years ago was willing to give up everything just to be loved by someone?

Beautiful? It all comes down to character eventually. Rejection? How can one not reject someone who's cheated on him so many times.

The times have changed. I'm now more confident than ever. There are so many girls out there.

16th September, 2005

We spent the morning together in the park. In the evening she went out with her friends - a girlfriend and 2 guys. They went to the beach, spent time at a pub, drank a lot of beer and played billiard. She asked me to do her a favor - if her mom calls me, I should pretend that she's with me.

According to her, she drank 3 liters of beer that night.

A call... It was her mother.

Natalie's mother: "I can't reach Natalie, her phone's busy. She needs to get home by now."
Me: "Okay, I'll tell her to call you back..."
Natalie's mother: "It isn't normal to talk for that long."
Me: "I know, don't worry I'll tell her to get back home."
Natalie's mother: "Give her the phone."
Me: "She's busy talking to someone else. It's ok, I'll ask her to call you back."
Natalie's mother: "She never calls back. Give her the phone, let me speak to her."
Me: "Look, don't worry. She's coming home."

She's finally let it go. Phew!
I tried to reach Natalie, but the line was busy. Argh! I sent her an SMS.

A few minutes later her mother called again.
Natalie's mother: "Where is she? Why doesn't she answer the phone?"
Me: "I don't know."
Natalie's mother: "Give her to me."
Me: "She went aside to speak with her friend."
Natalie's mother: "What friend? Why did she go aside? Let me speak to her."

She was getting more and more impatient and I was running out of lies. I'm bad at this and I hate it. No more favors like that, Natalie.

Me: "She's busy, we're on our way home."
Natalie's mother: "Where are you now?"
Me: "Near the beach."
Natalie's mother: "Are you going home or what? What street is it?"
Me: "I don't know, there are no signs nearby."
Natalie's mother: "What?! You don't know where you are?"
Me: "No, I do. Somewhere on the way home."

I was losing my confidence as she couldn't stop questioning me.

Natalie's mother: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Yes."
Natalie's mother: "What street is it?"
Me: "Ummm, we're now at the end of Arlozorov"

Arlozorov? Are you crazy?! She'd never buy it!
Besides, I'm at home right now and there's no sound of cars or people anywhere near.

Natalie's mother: "Didn't you say you were near the beach?!"
Me: "Yeah, we already left it."
Natalie's mother: "Okay. Tell Natalie to be get home fast. She must not be late."

Natalie later called me and then talked with her mom. Being urged to get home, she took a cab, leaving her friends in the pub without paying for the beer.

She entered her home, barely standing on her feet. Drunk, she went to bed, hoping her parents wouldn't notice. They haven't noticed it since they were asleep, but they've punished her the next morning anyway.

17th September, 2005

We were planning to go to Ashqelon to my dad's. He's going to travel and leave us his apartment down by the beach. Natalie's parents forbade her to go. I wasn't excited about the idea anyway.

Instead, we went to Memadyon - a water park in northern Tel Aviv. We've been at all the attractions, swam a lot and ate a fine dinner, having a lot of fun overall... until an incident has happened...

In one of the swimming pools, she asked me to stand up on a slightly higher spot. The moment I stood there, she tried to pull my shorts down.

Beneath my swim shorts I wore no underwear and there were a lot of people around us. Some of them noticed her attempt and watched us with curiosity. Lucky for me, I reacted in time and saved myself the big embarrassment.

I asked her not to do that again, but she ignored my request and did it again when I least expected it, pulling my short halfway down, revealing part of my buttocks. Although I'm sure there was nothing spectacular to see, it was still rather embarassing. She burst into laughing.

"Are you stupid? Are you actually dumb?!"

The word "dumb" made her stop laughing. "How can you call me that? How you dare cursing me? No one ever does. I never cursed you."

We stopped talking to each other, each one swimming on his own. After we left the water park she still wouldn't talk to me. I tried to break the ice: "I'm tired of saying 'sorry' instead of you all the time. You should forget your ego for once and admit that you're wrong." She didn't...

Later that day I messaged her and we became friends again.

18th September, 2005

I visited Natalie today. She seemed to be fully obsessed with Yakir - he's one of the 2 guys she went out with 2 days ago. She couldn't stop talking about how much she missed him, how cute he is. She even showed me his pics. Bah! After that, she says that I have a bad taste?!

I told her yesterday, prior to the fight: "Look, it doesn't matter what you do and what happens between us, it doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna tell you this, but you must one day accept it: I don't love you and even if I ever do, we won't be together forever. That's why you should look for other guys."

She's meeting Yakir tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe she's beginning to accept it.

19th September, 2005

Natalie met Yakir this afternoon and guess what? All he did was talk about girls and sex.
"He's obsessed with his penis! He's so proud of it. He asked me if I wanna have sex with him, touch it and so on." She refused his offer, of course. She doesn't want to have any contact with him, which is pretty obvious.

What a jerk. At least he was honest about his intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are even worse than that.

Again did the guy triggered the opposite reaction. After telling me about her date with Yakir, she added: "I realized once again that I you're my one and only!"

Couldn't tell her the same thing. These guys - who are supposed to do the work - eventually end-up doing the exact opposite - they get her to the same conclusion over and over again, that I'm the one for her.

Have I experienced this... illusion for Angel? Is Angel the ultimate one for me? I don't know. I doubt it. Am I the best guy for Natalie? Certainly not!

It's just a matter of time before she realizes it...

24th September, 2005

During the last few days, Natalie would call me and ask me once in a while whether I love her. I never answered her question, letting her know that I most likely don't. "Say that you love me..." "..." then we would change the subject...

Lately she's been calling me more often, telling me stories about her school friends and asking me some stupid questions: "What are you doing? ...Why?" "Why that and not this?"

It went on and on until I finally said: "Do you have anything interesting to say to me? Something that you called me for?" "No." "Then let's get back to whatever we were doing." "Wait... you don't like talking to me?!" ... "Well, we've got nothing to talk about and these questions are really boring me..." <--- A fight trigger!

These words of mine have led us to the longest and probalby the worst fight we've ever had.

"You don't care about talking to me! Nobody's ever said such a thing to me! You're such an asshole! I love you and care about you, but you don't give a shit about my feelings!"

Then she wished me and Angel would burn in hell. She threatened to hurt me and Angel, called me a total egoist.

"How dare you call me an egoist? I spend all my money on you, I take you to places, I walk you home, always do as you say. I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me and Angel?"

At some point I told her: "You know what? I don't care if you commit a suicide, if you try to hurt Angel or any other stuff. I don't want it to happen, but I don't care. It's your life. I just don't want us to break up as enemies, but as friends. I'll always like you and remember the good things about you."

She told me I'm the host hated person in the world, after her parents.

After another argument, it was sudden silence... The next thing I heard was her crying. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"I love you... I love you so much" she said while crying. A minute later she told me she didn't mean all the things she had said. Deep down inside, she did.

It's like a demon and an angel are trapped together in her soul, each one taking possession of her mind at a different time. I'm sorry Natalie, but I can't cope with that demon inside you.

25th September, 2005

We were talking phone today... I don't remember exactly what we were saying, but at one time these words have escaped my mouth: "I don't love you". She was shocked. In an instant she became very upset. "You dont.... love me?" "What? But Natalie, don't pretend you didn't know it. Why do you think I never answered whenever you asked me if I loved you. I thought you knew..."

I'm sure she knew. She just didn't want to accept it, hoping that one day I would give her a positive answer.

26th September, 2005

My team and team 2C walked down the road to a spring not far from our base.

Among the ruins of what probably used to be a Syrian village before the war, there was a small spring. A good place to light a fire and enjoy the nature.

Me and Daniel decided to take a walk, before the barbeque is ready. I asked him for advice - What is the best way to make Natalie stop loving me? He suggested that I stop showing emotions: Don't call her back, don't show any interest, be cold to her.

As absurd as it sounds, it seems to be true. If you really care about somebody, sometimes you have to cruel to him, for his own good.

28th September, 2005

Natalie called me, telling me that she smoked 21 cigarettes in just a few hours. She cries all day. I had nothing to say. What's her next move? This is getting scary.

The next time she called I told her that smoking and crying isn't gonna help, that it repulses me and that if she does that just to draw my attention and get my sympathy - this isn't going to work. She replied: "I don't wanna talk with you anymore right now. Bye"

30th September, 2005

This month is coming to an end, and so is my relationship with Natalie.

I never call her or initiate a conversation when she's online. When we do talk, I try to say as little as possible without revealing any emotions.

1st October, 2005

She calls me and tells me something terrible has happened. Last night she, Alice, Max and Alexey (her friends) walked on Bialik st. in Ramat Gan. They went to buy some beer when they were approached by 5 Russian guys a few years older than them.

These guys have threatened them and asked to join them. They beat Max in the face, took his cellphone and 140 shekels from his wallet.

They were forced to follow the guys to a bar where some 20 other guys where waiting for them. They sat down drank some vodka with juice. Natalie and her friends were sitting beside them, scared.

The Russian guys got drunk and flirted with Natalie and Alice. Being surrounded by some 30 men, running away was not a possibility.

The guys started touching their bodies. When Natalie and Alice tried to protect themselves, a few other guys approached the girls from behind, pulled their hands back and locked them up behind their backs so that they wouldn't resist. The girls could do nothing but scream, and when they did, one of the guys told his friends to let them go.

When they went out of the bar, they saw a guy sitting on the bumper of a car, smoking a cigarette. The Russian guys approached him and ordered him to scram. When he refused, they beat him in the face and broke his hand.

Natalie said they're going to go to the police and report it. The guy who stole Max's phone, gave him his own. Maybe it could lead the police to that guy.

One good thing came out of this whole story, though. She now likes Max.

The next day she wrote: "I'm in love..."
"With whom?" "With Max."
"And what about him?"
"I don't know. Alexey said he'll make sure we'll be together."

Finally, I can mark the end of this troublesome and complicated relationship with Natalie.

I'm glad it took so little time for her to "forget" me.

Thank you, Natalie. Now we both can move on with our lives.

The search for innocence

2nd September, 2005

Gal went on a date with Natalie at 10pm. Meanwhile, I talked to Angel, told her everything.

Angel: "You know what I think about you?"
Me: "That I'm a complete idiot?"
Angel: "No! That I love you more than the whole world!."
Me: "Sorry, I was joking. =) I love you too, Angel."

We're going to be together again, I know it now!

3rd September, 2005

It seems that Angel is on some kind of an apprenticeship program, which means she'll have to work at hotels for 3 years. After that, she'll be qualified to work at hotels everywhere in the world. That means we have to wait another 2-3 years from the moment that I finish the army? I guess so. I'll begin attending the university in the meanwhile, but the moment I finish my military service, I'd like to go on a week-long vacation with her somewhere abroad. That would be fun!

Me: "We always tend to put love in 2nd priority, delaying for later years. Maybe it's meant to be this way, but what if this love will make us much happier? It will surely change our lives... or maybe this love is too perfect to be realized one day?"

Angel: "I don't know... With you I have so many dreams. One guy said that it's good to dream, dreams are what we are living for."

Me: "It's not just dreams. We've realized some of them when we've met. It is possible!"

We've talked about the girl that she likes. She said she doesn't know if she actually loves her, that they've kissed and nothing else. She said she doesn't wanna fall in love with girls again, it's not pleasant. She'll try not to.

I asked her if it's right to date other people. I may meet some other girl and fall in love with her, like it happened with Natalie. She said she doesn't mind, she doesn't have any problems with that.

She's always wanted me to be happy, whether I'm with or without her.

She asked me if it's alright for her to date other girls. No, I don't mind.

What an interesting relationship we're having here: Free of commitments and full understanding.


* * * * *

Natalie spoke to me about her date with Gal. "It was fun." He took her to the beach, bought her some flowers and in less than an hour he took her back home with his car. There, they've said goodbye.

He lives nearby. She likes him. "He only had 2 girlfriends in his life. One in 5th grade, the other in 11th." She said he's really nice and romantic.

Me: "Did you kiss?"
Natalie: "No.
Me: "Why?"
Natalie: "Why would we? (IsraeliDiary), tell me the truth... do you love me?"

A pause...

Me: "It doesn't matter, cause even if I don't, I can't say it after what had happened."
Natalie: "Do you??"
Me: "I don't know. I do feel pain and jealousy, but with time I feel it less and less."
Natalie: "So you don't. :("
Me: "Look, I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I want you to be happy. Don't get stuck on me, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I really wanted to part in a way it would least hurt you."
Natalie: "So what will we be, friends?"
Me: "Yeah, we may meet and do things together, only that this time we'll both have our freedom. No obligations, no common future. ;) Everything stays the same!"
Natalie: "Except your love for me. :("
Me: "Who knows? What is certain is that I'll always like you."

I remember how a couple of months ago she wanted us to be free, to date other people, yet be together. Well, she got it now, only without the 'love' part.


* * * * *

She had another date with Gal.

For some reason I feel jealous. Natalie with another guy? My Natalie?!

Whenever she cheated on me it would hurt me so badly I wished it never happened... and now I'm telling her to feel free to go out with other guys.

It's like I'm giving her a permission to cheat. It still hurts... a bit less, but it still does.

I don't want to break up with her and leave her on her own. It would be best if I help her forget about me by finding another guy. That's what I'm trying to do.

9:45 pm - A phone call...

Me: "Hello?"
Natalie: "Are you busy?"
Me: "Umm... no."
She sniffed, implying that she's in a bad mood.
Me: "What happened?"
Natalie: "Nothing."
Her voice sounded rather wounded.
Me: "Natalie - what's wrong? Is it your parents? Is it Gal?"
Natalie: "No..."
Me: "Is it Shachar?"
Natalie: "No."
Me: "Is it... me?"
Natalie: "Yes.."
Me: "What happened? What did I do?"
She started crying!
Me: "Please don't cry, tell me what happened.."

But my words only made her cry louder and more bitter. I could feel her pain.

Natalie: "I love you, I love you so much! I don't need anyone else but you."
She said those words in a deeply hurt voice.
Natalie: "I love you and I'll never love anyone else. You're the only one for me!"

Oh no.. My eyes were filled with tears that within seconds were all over my face. I couldn't bear hearing her cry like that.

Me: "Natalie, please don't cry. I'm here, I'm not leaving you."
Natalie: "Yes you are. It's not the same. You don't love me anymore... When Gal walked me home and we kissed, I was sure it was you.. but when I opened my eyes I saw him.. and I cried!"
"He's nice, he's charming and all that, but you are the one for me, I want you and nobody else."

She had shocked me once again. I didn't know what to say or do. Trying to find her another guy had only produced the opposite result.

I said something which she didn't buy, but it was true in a way: "What if I love you and I want you to be the happiest... and I realized that I can't give you this happiness so I decided to make you stop loving me so by finding another guy who suits you more?"

(What the hell was I trying to say here? How would that help anything?)

These were Amir's words and I said them to her just like he did, without even realizing that. He said to her: "What if I love you so much that I want you to be the happiest and I realized that I cannot give you all that you wish..."

Later at night I told her that everything's still possible. We can still be together. I may love her one day. "It's your behavior that made my love fade away. When we fight, your dignity is more important to you, you're convinced that you're always right and if I disagree then I can go to hell. You also never say sorry. You have a high ego and it destroys everything. Sometimes you're romantic, sweet and lovable. Don't put yourself above people, put the people you love above yourself. Will you change?"

Natalie: "I'll try. :)"

Will she, really?

5th September, 2005

I watched the movie "The Notebook" and it reminded me of my relationships with Angel and Natalie.

Maybe it doesn't matter how much we fight, as long as we never give up on each other and do our best to change ourselves for the sake of the relationship, things might eventually work out.

The value of innocence

My recent conversation with Daniel kept me thinking about this for a while now...

Daniel's a good guy. He's my best friend in the battery and we get along quite well, most of the time.

However, there are a few things I don't like about him. The first one is his political view, or in other words, his hatred. He says that if an Israeli guy becomes a suicide bomber and blows himself up to pieces, killing Palestinian men, women and children, it will be justified since that's what the Palestinians do to us. Eye to eye, that is.

Another thing I dislike is his tendency to steal things. He would only steal military equipment and only from other batteries, but that's stealing all the same.

Apart from that, he's a really good guy. He shares everything with his friends, he volunteers and helps everyone. He doesn't like the commanders and officers, after they failed him twice, taking away his vacations, but he has nothing against the new commanders and officers who apparently haven't failed him, yet.

Back to the point.

One day we were talking about our parents. He said his father used to hit him with a leather belt when he was a child, punishing him for misbehaving. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me with a belt, although he would sometimes threaten to do so.

Daniel: "That's why you grew up to be an innocent kind of guy, not violent, not a trouble maker."
I never really thought about that, but I guess there is something to it.

He told me how he once ran away from home and stayed overnight at his friend's house. The next day he had to come back, after his friends phoned his parents and told them of his whereabouts.

"They didn't show any mercy that day." he said.

Innocence... What is innocence, really?

Yesterday I talked to Alice. She was my girlfriend 5 years ago, when we were still kids. I was 14, she was 13. I remember being very excited about sex back then. She, obviously, wasn't ready yet. She was a quiet, shy girl. Not one you would commonly consider a good looking, yet she was my type.

A year ago I met her online. When I asked her if she has a boyfriend, her reply shocked me. She said she has a 'f**k-friend'. Alice?! You? A what? No way!

But this wasn't all... 3 years after we were a couple, when she was 16 years old, she apparently became very attractive. She said guys started asking her out in pubs and clubs and it raised her ego. Since then she'd had countless 'f**k-friends'.

Even though I have no feelings towards Alice anymore, I couldn't stop wondering what had happened to that sweet innocent girl I once knew.

She serves in Border Police. Bad job, bad people. She wants out. She asked to be transferred, but they refused. She escaped home. When she came back she was punished, put on trial and sentenced to a few weeks in military jail. Today she'll go to Bakum for a health commission that might lower her profile and get her some place better.

Good luck, Alice. She had to go.

I often think about this troubling sex issue. Why do guys love to f**k every girl they see? So many guys see girls as nothing more than sex subjects. I feel attraction to a lot of girls too, but what's wrong with being with one girl? There usually isn't much difference. Don't you prefer to have something unique, something special with one single person?

I know, there's this desire of being loose, doing whatever you want without caring about anything, sleep with countless women 'cause you only live once... but something tells me it's wrong, totally wrong. It's dirty.

Maybe I'm just an innocent guy and one day I'll realize that this is life - you live to enjoy and when you're innocent, you miss so much because you keep yourself away from so many things. So maybe you should give in, lose your innocence completely, forget about conscience, about what's right and what's wrong and just live your life by your own rules.

But how can you look in your girlfriend's eyes and, even if it was way back in the past, imagine her getting laid with guys who didn't even know her name, who'd met her at the pub or at a party while being half drunk. You imagine the worst things and it tears you apart. You just can't help it. On one hand, you wanna know the whole truth. On the other hand, you wish you had never heard it.

...and when you're past your teenage years and you open your eyes, you look around you and see how your friends go astray and follow the path of lust and meaningless sex. It hurts more when it comes to girls. They are the symbol of innocence to me.

I can't say it's easy to follow a different path. In some way you envy your friends for their sexual experiences with girls, but you convince yourself that what you do is special and is worth it. Save yourself for someone special and you'll be rewarded.

I'd like to think that guys who 'fool around' in their early years only get what they deserve - girls of the same kind. But that's not the way it goes, is it? So many people are being fooled by love.

I don't believe that guys who chased sex until the age of 30 and decided it was time to stabilize their lives and get married would ever change. They would most likely cheat.

It makes you sad when you see a decent woman falls victim to a bad husband. It works the other way around too, but much less often.

Perhaps this world is not the best place to look for innocence, however, I'm not willing to give up my search. I'm sure everyone can find his own place in this world.

The shortest way out

31st August, 2005

It was time to tell her everything...

"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."

Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"

Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."

Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?

I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.

Natalie:"Okay... why?"

Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"

Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."
Me: "What? Come on, tell me."
Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."
Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."

It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.

Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."
Me: "What do you like about him?"
Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."

Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"
Natalie: "Yeah, it does."

It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.

Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."

Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."

I had to go. We hung up.

It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.

I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.

1st September, 2005

I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.

This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.

I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.

Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."

Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."

Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."

Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."

Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"

Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."
Me: "I am."
Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."
Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."
Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."

Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."
Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."

I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!

Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"
Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."

Me: "How long ago was it?"
Natalie: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"
Natalie: "3-4 months ago."

S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.

Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"
Natalie: "15 minutes."

It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.

Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"

Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."
Me: "Do you regret what you did?"
Natalie: "yes and no.."
Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"
Natalie: "no, I do regret it."

I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!

Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."

Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."

I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.

Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."

She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...

"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!

Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.

I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"

The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.

She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.

Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."

She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.

Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?

Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"
Natalie: "what?"
Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"

I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.

Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."

Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"

A smile.

Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"
Me: "I'm sorry."

I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".

One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.

The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.

It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.

Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"

Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"
Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"
Natalie: "My love."
Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."

Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.

Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.

I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."

That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.

Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.

That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.

It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.

Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...

Feelings have a sense of direction

27th August, 2005

Today I finally had some free time for myself to do what I want. You miss these things once you spend all your time in the company of your partner.

Most of my time is being spent with her, and as much as I'm happy to be with her, sometimes I need a little space for myself.

We eventually met in the afternoon and went to Park Darom. The sun was setting, casting an orange haze over the endless array of buildings of Tel Aviv.

Me: "I'll miss those days. What we have here is (will be remembered) forever. I'm having a lot of fun with you, yet time takes it away from me."

It really seemed like it was going to be the last romantic event in our relationship. There was something in the atmosphere around us suggesting that the end is near.

Me: "You're a great person, Natalie, and it will be hard losing someone like you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. Your whole life is ahead of you."

I meant those words, just like I meant everything else that I've said to her. She might not have the best character in the world, but there's kindness in her soul, the kindness that I hoped would grow during our relationship and eventually change her character.

It was getting late. My mom gave her a ride home. I accompanied her. "This time I won't walk you to the front door. My mom's in a hurry and it's also easier to part that way."

Althought the reasons were sincere, there was something more to it. A crack in our relationship was expanding, threatening to tear us apart for good...

Meanwhile, I received an SMS from Angel: "Hi! Sorry if I woke you up now! Just had to think about you right now... I'm listening to your CD at the moment. I hope you are fine. :) Good night and sweet dreams! Miss you."

I replied to her sms, and I really wished to chat with her. I checked MSN a lot of times at home, but she was never online. Why do I ignore Natalie's request? I don't know...

29th August, 2005

Back in the army. A painful 5 hour drive to the base. I was tired.

This evening I was chatting with Natalie. Angel was online, in invisible mode.

How I wanted to talk to her....... I couldn't resist it.

Natalie asked me whether I talk to Angel. If I say "yes", it'd be another fight... I would hurt her and be so busy trying to sort things out that I wouldn't be able to talk to Angel at all.

Me: "No. She's not online anyway."
Natalie: "She is. Are you blind?"
Me: "I'm telling you, she's not. Maybe she's invisible."
Natalie: "She's online in my contact list."
Me: "Well... maybe she's added you to her visible list."
Natalie: "Maybe she did"

I went to bed. At around 1am someone called me and woke me up. "Who's calling me so late at night?!"

"Hello?" I answered in a rather sleepy voice.
They hung up.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then I received an SMS from Angel. I was no longer upset. :)

"Hey, sorry, I actually wanted to speak with you, but I couldn't ^^' I... Well, it was nice to hear your voice again... :) Have a good night!"

I replied to her, saying sorry for my tired voice, telling her that I missed her voice too, that even though she woke me up, it's absolutely okay. Of all the people in the world, she's allowed to do that. Besides, I usually sleep better after talking to her.

I wished her a good night and sweet dreams... after a few minutes I received another message: "Oh, I'm sorry! I can't sleep... I have to think all the time what would have happened if I have moved to you and just be a housewife or what I should do... I don't know... I miss you so much and when I was with you, I still had dreams... now I'm justl iving day by day and think about nothing. Just working and doing nothing... Is that life? Well, don't wanna bother you with my problems. ^^' So, sorry ^^' Anyway, see you online anytime. Good night!"

"I want you to be happy, Angel. You are the only true angel I know. You deserve happiness more than others. ^^ Come to me, it will be great. :)"

She replied: "Don't say that, otherwise I might really do it (come to Israel) *lol* What is hapiness? ^^ (IsraeliDiary), Do you think we'll be together one day again? .. Sorry, that's a silly question. ^^"

"We will. That's why I'm still breathing. You are my brightest future! A star that will always shine and inspire! Don't be a housewife, you have a future. Seek your talents. Gotta go sleep, talk to you later."

Angel: "Thanks. Then I'll hold on to that future either! ... (IsraeliDiary), I'm looking forward to it... :) You were, are and will always be my one and only... sleep well."

Does she really mean that? Has she realized once and for all that we are meant to be together?

30th August, 2005

Today it was my team's turn to cook dinner for the whole battery. Each week a different team has to make dinner. It's just a one-time competition for fun. A team receives 100 NIS to buy the products. A winning team gets a free day out in the north, some kind of activity.

I was making a salad in the kitchen. My mind was fully occupied with the recent events. I was thinking about how I lied to Natalie about talking to Angel, about how I flirted with Angel.

Yes, it all came from my heart, but isn't it a bit unfair towards Natalie? What should I tell her? I gotta tell her the truth..... but then I'll hurt her... Well, the truth will come out sooner or later, it better be now than later. The guilt of lying is consuming me from inside. How can I lie? I never lie to people, it's not me. How do I explain to her that I can't stop talking to Angel no matter what? Would it be unfair if I talk to Angel while I have feelings for her? It would hurt Natalie. All the talking last night... it'd make her cry! I can't hurt her... but the truth - it's got to be told. Arggghhhh!!!

I shall tell her... I'll explain everything to her... but she'll be angry and revengful!

31st August, 2005

Why is it that everytime I get a message from Angel, I read it over and over again. Sometimes I would read Natalie's too, but not as often and as thoroughly as Angel's.

Why is it that everyday something reminds me of Angel. How I love her unique smile. No one smiles the way she does. :) I feel this burning sensation in my chest whenever I recall her smile.

I can't control this! I miss her! That's when my doubts turn into reassurances. Doubts in my love to Natalie... I think I don't love her. I like being with her, I like cuddling with her, I like making out with her, I like dating her, looking at her, watching movies with her, but I don't think that I love her. I just don't know if I do. The only thing I know is that I'm not sure about this anymore.

I started thinking about how horrible it would be to lose her. She made me happy so many times! She's been a great and loving girlfriend and her life... her life is a whole world! It's really hard for me to lose a person so close to my heart. It could've been perfect had we been perfect for each other, stayed together, raised a family and realized all our dreams... but we're not meant for each other, we fight and disagree. We sometimes reach a point where we feel carelessness towards each other, coldness and hostility.

Sometimes we don't even look like we're friends, let alone a couple. Then I begin thinking how far off our relationship is from what it should be. We just don't match. After a few fights, we'd be friends again, but what then? Exactly, another fight!

Look at Angel, she's never said a bad word about me. She's never been mad at me, never insulted me with words, never meant to do me any harm, it's like she's never even thought anything negative about me. Just like me.

This is it. Tonight, after spending hours thinking it over I had decided!

It was time to talk to her and tell her everything...

What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?

1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.
2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.
7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.

He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.

Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.

After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.

Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.

2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?

After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.

We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?

Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.

Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.

I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.

Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.

At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.

Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.

A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.

16th August, 2005

Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.

Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"
Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"
Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."

Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.
I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.

I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.

24th August, 2005

I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)

I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??

So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)
I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

25th August, 2005

Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!

He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.

The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.

Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.

After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.

28th August, 2005

I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.

We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.

I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-

Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."

"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."

"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"

"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"

Then we were talking about us and our differences...

Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."

Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"

Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."

Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."

Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.

Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?

We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."

Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"

Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."

She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.

What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

* * * * *

In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.