The real meaning of trust

17th November, 2004

We woke up at 6am, packed everything and left for Qalqiliya.

It was a long and rainy day. There were a lot of things to unpack. Even when the whole battery's working together, it still takes hours. There's so much work, no wonder nobody likes moving.

Me and some others were assigned for the first shift at the roadblock. The roadblock was in fact miles away from the base, located on the 5th road - between Ariel and Tel Aviv.

A safari vehicle would take us there every shift. The thing is - a shift is 12 hours long! The drivers claim they have a lot of driving to do for other batteries and companies in this area in various hours, so switching teams every 8 hours would be impossible.

It was my first 12 hour roadblock, which I hoped would also be my last one. From 7pm until 8am, freezing cold under the heavy rain, we were standing there and checking vehicles, trying to stay awake. Lightning would occasionally light the cloudy sky and the sound of thunder would follow, pouring rain down on us.

What made things a bit easier for us was the AV patrol vechile. 6 out of 12 hours we took 2 shifts - driving around in the AV and hiding from the rain.

It was tough. After 27 hours without sleep, I'm sitting here and writing this entry. Soon enough, after we eat lunch, I will finally get myself some sleep. Frankly, I had 2-3 hours of sleep in the AV. I think we all did.

21st November, 2004

Apparently, that was the only 12 hour roadblock. Our battery commander took care of us and changed the driving shifts to 8 hours. Phew! Now the AV patrol is a separate mission.

During the last few days, ever since Ravit is present in the battery, I noticed sudden changes in my behavior. I try to act cool, be serious, work harder and be more careful when she might be around. Sometimes I notice how she looks at me, but she's like... one of our commanders!

There is a female AV driver that I'd see occasionally. The AV would stop by at the roadblock from time to time. I seem to act differently around her as well. :-\

I guess I want to be liked or even loved by girls that I like or care about. Angel couldn't show her love to me. Alisa, my x-girlfriend back when I was 14 years old, couldn't show her love to me... then I cheated on her by kissing another girl who could! But I know that I'll never do such a mistake anymore. I'll never cheat again!

23rd November, 2004

My mom came to our base and took me and 3 other guys to Tel Aviv. Finally home after... 25 days! (excluding the "after")

I watched the movie "Incredibles" in the cinema with my friend.

I had a webcam chat with Angel. That's where I could see the big difference between her real appearance and her virtual one. She'd smile and seem happy in her messages, but her face would conceal any emotions. She looked somewhat anxious and distinctly serious. Once in a while, though, she'd smile... and it was so divine! :)

Angel told me there's been some Egyptian guy chatting with her. She said that he really scared her in their last conversation. She gave me their chatlog...

He told her he loves her, even though he barely knows her. He said that I, as an Israeli, am trying to hurt her, the way Israeli soldiers hurt and kill Palestinian women and children. That since she's German, and Germans were once Nazis, Israelis want vengeance.

Her replies to him showed me how much she trusts and loves me. But when it came to politics, she didn't take any sides at all.

She said she'd never even suspected any of it, that she knows me well and that no one will ever make us break up.

1st December, 2004

I'm in my home base again. This time my whole team's here. We're here to guard, at least until the 6th, when another team will arrive for some artillery training. Each team is going to have 2 artillery exercises and a "regila" (a weeklong vacation). My team and the 3rd team from my platoon are going to be first in this.

As artillery soldiers, each one of us is assigned to a specific task. Each task has its number.

For example, #1 is the commander. He receives calculated coordinates and makes sure his team fires fast and accurately. He's also financially responsible for all the equipment of his howitzer and the howitzer himself. (There's a whole lot of equipment involved and commanders often end up paying for it as something always gets lost. Some commanders and teammates resort to stealing equipment from other batteries to make sure they won't be the ones to pay. That's why we guard our howitzers day and night just to make sure soldiers from B battery don't try to steal anything. A year later, one commander from B battery would be caught red-handed and tried along with 2 other soldiers.)

Today I was told I'd be the team's navigator, #2. In order to be a navigator, you have to finish a 2-day course, but my new officer, Michael, decided to teach me everything by himself. He was a navigator too, back when he was a regular soldier.

The navigator is responsible for accuracy. Once he receives coordinates, they appear on a radar-monitor in front of him. He uses a joystick to steer up/down/left/right and has to get on target within seconds. The commander can see on his own monitor whether the navigator is "on target" or not.

A few years ago, one guy from B battery confused the numbers and turned the cannon around by almost 180 degrees. The commander didn't bother to check if he was on target, he ordered to fire and as a result they nearly hit an Israeli town in the Golan Heights. This story has become a legend in the artillery corps.

4th December, 2004

Within the last 3 weeks I've come to know Michael better. He's a great guy, he treats the soldiers well and he's a pretty good officer. He's a handsome guy and not once girls happened to ask us: "who's that cute, fine-looking officer over there?"

This is the last night of guarding duties at this base. I'll be guarding at the entrance gates from 2 to 6am. It's really boring over there. You don't see any cars at these hours.

There's light inside the cabin. I'd better bring the book that I'm currently reading - it's Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". Who's gonna come and visit me at night? Nobody ever does.

The risks for getting caught are pretty low. Besides, I can't wait to see what happens next in this book and the time is gonna pass by real fast if I bring it with me.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to lose Michael's trust. You wouldn't want to lose your officer's trust and find yourself being punished for every little thing as opposed to being forgiven for making mistakes. While others learn from their mistakes by trying not to get caught, I learn from mine by not committing them again in the future. That's why I don't think I should be punished, especially if I didn't commit them on purpose.

But this one is on purpose... isn't it?

As always, before starting a guarding duty, you have to ask a commander or an officer to present while you unload the gun. It doesn't mean the gun's loaded, it's just a safety measure. Too many accidents have happened in the past.

I unloaded the gun in Michael's presence. He asked me if I filled the flasks with hot tea. (It gets really cold here at nights) I said: "No. I don't wanna. It's ok."

When I was guarding, reading the book was a bit frightening. It described a tomb with skeletons when suddenly I heard some noises from outside the cabin. I stood up and looked out the window - it was just a couple of dogs crawling under the fence.

"I have to be more careful."

I'd been looking out the window once in a while to see if anyone's coming. To do that, I had to sit with my back facing the gates.

4:30am, I see some movement to my right. It was Michael!!! He was heading towards the cabin. I only had a few second to hide the book! But there was nowhere to hide it! He might've seen it already! I decided to get out of the cabin and meet him outside, before he could see the book.

As I went out of the cabin to meet him, I tried to act as calm as I could. "I brought you some tea". Drawing his attention didn't work. He entered the cabin and checked the radio. He said he tried to contact me by radio. Apparently the battery was dead in my radio. Darn!

I tried to stay calm and accept the consequences. Then he said: "You're not supposed to read during the shift, but if you do, at least face the gate."

Is that a joke?! I only said "OK". He left.

The tea was barely warm.

He caught me. I was aware of the risk. A punishment is certainly justified. The only question I have now is "How severe is my punishment going to be?" 1 day? 2-3 days of my home vacation? The worst thing is, you usually don't know that until the very last day. Maybe it's because they don't want you to feel rebellious and try to do something about it.

Commanders are aware that soldiers don't really guard the way they should be. They were soldiers once too and did the same thing. Some would fall asleep, some would talk on the cellphone, some would play on GameBoy Advance - it was as clear as the sky on a sunny day - soldiers violate their guarding duties - you have to do something to preserve your sanity. If you stand in once place for 4 hours over and over and over again, you or your friend would soon notice that you start acting weird. So commanders know it and there's a virtual agreement between soldiers and their commanders: "we know that you do it, just try not to get caught."

Michael tried to contact me before coming. I'm sure he didn't come there to punish me, but as an officer he's obliged to report my violation and give me a punishment. I'm not gonna hate him for that.

Many soldiers hate their commanders and officers for punishing them for all kinds of violations. Not all punishments are justified, or at least not everybody agrees on their relevance, but in the end there are always a few rebellious soldiers who lose their trust in our battery's authority.

6th December, 2004

On my way to my room I saw a book "Angels & Demons" lying at the entrance to Ravit's room. She reads the same book as me!

She asked me to help her carry something. Should I start a conversation about the book? No... Why not? It could be a great subject for discussion. What for? You've got a girlfriend. I didn't talk.

Maybe I'm afraid to fall in love with someone else. That is possible, right? Ravit is very attractive. Everyday that she's in the battery I seem to like her more and more. This makes it hard for me to come over and talk to her.

I might never know what I'm missing... Yet I've made my choice - I can't risk losing Angel. I can't risk breaking her heart.

8th December, 2004

The training was annoying. It was cold, wet and muddy. It didn't take me that long to realize how lucky I was to be standing inside the howitzer and navigating rather than being outside in the mud, carrying shells.

















We ordered a pizza in the evening. We could no longer stand those horrible combat meals which consisted of cans of tuna, canned beef and other vomit-encouraging types of food. Before the army, I liked eating tuna fish, but now I can't even bear its smell.

9th December, 2004

After each training, there's a maintenance day at the end of the week. A lot of machinery work. Dirty work. Everybody hates it!

The 2nd training was cancelled. We were lucky to go home on Thursday as we finished all the work exactly on time before the last bus to Hatzor (a central bus station in the north east).

I wasn't punished by Michael. At least not yet. I wonder if he let it go. If it's so then I owe him a lot.

My first days in the territories

I'd like to write a chapter which was not documented in my diary. (since I started writing it only in June 2004)

Even though I did not document it, I remember everything as if it was only yesterday...

When I was still in the mid stages of Basic Training, Eitan, one of my teammates told us he'd found out what is planned for us in Advanced Training - apart from a month-long artillery exercise, we'll be sent to Shaked. It's a sector located close to Jenin - One of the least peaceful places in the West Bank.

He was excited, eager for some action and I was troubled, hoping that he was wrong.

What's it like out there? How safe is it? What if I get shot? Will I actually be able to shoot and kill someone in defense?? I wouldn't want to find out in the last minute that I'm not capable of pulling the trigger.

At first I didn't believe Eitan, thinking that it's unlikely considering our lack of experience, but when we reached Advanced Training a couple of months later, turned out he was right...

7th January, 2004

After a few days of combat training we were taken to Shaked. We crossed the roadblock of Baka Al Gharabiya, where the wall is already finished and proceeded to a settlement called Mavo Dotan. Under heavy rain, we all gathered inside an abandoned warehouse where we'd been briefed.

Our "C" battery commander during Advanced Training was Nitzani. For some reason, I used to admire him. He looked like he deserve some respect.

I remember sitting in his office during acquaintance, telling him about myself, about Angel and my intentions to fly to Germany after I'll be 1 year in the army. He told me it's highly unlikely... that he himself had barely succeeded at visiting France, considering the fact that he's first lieutenant in rank and thus is more privileged than me.

Thank God he was wrong! =)

His briefing in the warehouse will be remembered for many years by everyone who attended it. It was something like this:
"You are gathered here to take part in a very dangerous and important mission....." "....It's going to be very hard for all of you. You will guard day and night. You mustn't dare to fall asleep, BUT I know that you WILL FALL ASLEEP! And when you wake up and find your friend lying dead, it will all be your responsibility!"

After the briefing everyone was like: "What was that all about?"

The first platoon remained in Mavo Dotan. The second platoon was taken to a nearby settlement called Hermesh (Scythe, in Hebrew). I was in the 2nd platoon.

A middle-sized hall in the centre of the settlement became our barracks. The settlement's "mayor" had given us a tour around the place.

He showed us the place where a Palestinian gunman had infiltrated the settlement a bit over a year ago and killed three people. There's a guarding post there now, code-named "Blue". Back then it was just a fence.

The terrorist had cut the fence and entered the settlement. He approached the houses and saw two 14 year old girls sitting on the porch (Linoi Sarusi and Hadas Turjeman). He shot and killed them both. Then he entered one of the opposite houses and shot the couple that was inside. The wife, Orna was killed. The husband was injured.

At that moment, soldiers arrived at the place and killed the gunman. It was too late, however, as the damage had already been done.

There's a monument at the entrance to Hermesh that commemorates the lives of Orna, Linoi and Hadas.

Gray clouds and endless rain had provided us with a depressing atmosphere in the days to come.

* * * * *

The conditions in Hermesh were awful. We were so few that we had to replace each other - guard 4 hours, rest 4 hours and then guard 4 hours again. But we didn't really rest 4 hours... Since it was part of Advanced Training, we had combat exercises, study and sports during those "free" hours.

We only had a few hours of sleep what made guarding at night even harder for us, despite the hot tea we took with us.

One of the guarding posts was located on top of an abandoned villa that was built by a very rich and somewhat famous artist whose name I never cared to memorize. There was a tent erected on the roof of the unfinished building. My officer brought some advanced night vision equipment up there.

The tent apparently wasn't stable enough considering the windy and rainy weather of January. We'd be awaken at night several times just to go and help reinforce the tent.

After a few days I started having hallucinations. I was guarding at "Blue" and whenever I was looking down at the rocks, I would see large human skulls instead of rocks. It was creepy.

I'd never fallen asleep on duty before, having a relatively good discipline and control of myself. I wouldn't want to compromise my home vacation, especially in a place like this. Yet it seemed that I've dozed off, because when I looked at the clock a few minutes later, I found out that 2 hours have passed unnoticed.

The terrible weather, the limited food and the lack of sleep were probably the main reasons that I got sick and had a high temperature.

It didn't help me get out of this place, though. Whether it was my fault for not complaining enough, or maybe many others were sick as well. We didn't have enough manpower. I just prayed to be the next in line to be released home.

5-6 soldiers from our platoon were released home in the beginning of the week and on the weekend. It was absolutely random. I could see the tall building of Tel Aviv from the rooftop of the abandoned villa. They seemed to be just beyond the hill. Tel Aviv had never looked like paradise the way it did back then...

I wasn't on the list when the first 5-6 soldiers were released home on the first weekend. I hoped I'd be released on Sunday then...

Apart from settlement guarding, there's also an escorting jeep. The cititens of Mavo Dotan and Hermesh cannot leave the settlement without a military escort. If they plan to leave, they have to call the jeep, like they would a taxi and ask for an escort. Sometimes they'd have to wait 5-10 minutes at the entrance gate. Upset by the poor services of the army, some would drive away without an escort on their own risk. (2 people were attacked on the road and killed in 2004 and 2005. 1 from Mavo Dotan, the other from Hermesh) I've had the luck of being assigned on the jeep for one time. Why luck? Because it's 8 hours of jeep patrols and 8 hours of rest. During our night patrol, we stopped at the Shaked settlement and my officer went out and talked with some settler at the entrance gate. The settler was criticizing the army for not doing enough for the settlers, for being too easy on Palestinians.

Not only that we're here, risking our lives and wasting our time to protect them, but they also dare to tell us that we're not doing good enough?!

* * * * *

In one of the mornings, our commanders woke everyone up. I wasn't asleep as I just returned from a guarding duty. It was our lieutenant, 2nd in place after Nitzani. 2nd's in place are usually responsible for battery's safety. He came to talk to us about a violation of rules, about playing with weapons. "Who's the idiot this time and what has he done?" someone mumbled.

The officer spoke: "This morning, your battery commander had committed a serious violation!" (WHAT?!?!?!) "...He loaded his weapon and aimed at his driver. Such behavior cannot be tolerated. He is on his way to be tried... As of now, I am your battery's commander, at least temporarily." Everyone was shocked!

The story was in the newspapers a few days later. Here's how it happened:
Nitzani used to talk about the suffering of Palestinians with his jeep squad. Their replies to his leftist views were somewhat disrespectful. One time he saw a couple of Palestinian kids doing something on a big pile of garbage. He later said something like: "Did you see those poor kids. Imagine how hard it is for them to live like this." the driver replied something which made Nitzani lose control. He loaded his weapon and aimed at the driver for a couple of seconds, then he got a grip of himself, went out and unloaded the gun. He said he was sorry, but the driver felt the need to tell the others about the incident.

Nitzani was tried, had his rank lowered/delayed and was reassigned to a training base in the Negev.

* * * * *

There was a club in Hermesh. There were a few old computers, a billiard table that was always occupied and among few other things there was a PS2 stand!

Me and my friend Sharon figured it could be a great way to spend our free time in this place and perhaps get our motivation back. But things weren't that simple...

This club belonged to the settlement. There were kids who were at the club all day long during its operating hours. The club owner would give some kids the keys so they could be the first to occupy the billiard table and the PS2.

Asking nicely didn't help us either. "Can you let us play after you finish?" "No." "Look, you can come here anytime you like, but we have to guard in an hour." "I don't care." "Don't you have any sympathy for soldiers who are here to protect you and your family 24/7?" "There were soldiers before you and there will be soldiers after you, so it doesn't matter."

The other day we've managed to find the PS2 unoccupied, but I had to guard in 20 minutes. Sharon showed me a game he brought with him (he was released home on the weekend). It was Final Fantasy X. When he showed me that game, in less than 20 minutes he'd convinced me to get myself a PS2... Well, a year and a half later.

The following day, we came to the club with the guys the moment it opened. We asked for the PS2, but the boy said: "Look, we - the town's citizens are a priority here in this club. I can do here whatever I want." Well, he's right, but that's just rude.
"I will leave tomorrow for 2 weeks, then you can play all you like."

The next day when I finished guarding, I thought I'd have around 3 free hours on that PS2 to finally relax and enjoy the time in this cursed settlement. It was just about half an hour before the club opened when the alarm sounded.

We were all called back to the barracks and told that there are 2 gunmen on their way here! The officer gave us orders. We were all spread around the settlement, each given a certain sector to patrol in. After a while it started raining.

Our new battery commander came and started firing lighting shells into the sky. Helicopters were circling around.

A couple of hours later, we were relieved, but then I had to guard again!

Like always, a few hours later we knew all the details of what had happened - two Palestinian gunmen were on their way here but they fled back to their villages and dropped their AK47s when they saw the flare and the helicopters in the sky. Someone from the village had warned the Israeli intelligence of their plans. They were later caught by IDF.

Other events involved a gunman shooting at the "mayor" of Sa-Nur settlement and shooting at our commander's AV jeep. No one was injured and the gunmen have managed to escape.

When Sunday came, it turned out I wasn't on the list either. Okay! Then I was definitely going to be released on Thursday, right?! Wrong!

My officer came to me and told me I was going to guard at our home base in the Golan Heights for a few days. I'd be released home from there, he promised. I was happy! I was finally getting out of this place! At least for a while... Nobody knew how long we'd be staying here.

I was replacing one of my team mates at the base. When I called him on the phone he said I should get myself some books on my way there, because it gets really boring - you guard 4 hours and rest 8 hours, 4/8. There are no commanders to tell us to clean, study or train.

So I bought a book. It was Michael Crichton's Timeline. Before that, I wasn't much of a reader, but from that moment on everything's changed. I was reading at every possible moment, trying to spend time more efficiently. I've never been so addicted to reading a book before. It really surprised me!

Getting home on Sunday was the main thing on my mind. It's been 14 days and everybody's been released home in one day or another, except me. But this time it was Hezbollah who stole my vacation! A few katyushas landed in the northern border, fired by Hezbollah had triggered a sudden change of plans. The battery was replaced by other forces in the Shaked sector and we were called up to assist in the northern border.

While my whole battery was moving everything from one place to another, I was guarding at the home base, hoping it would all be back to normal as soon as possible. After 2 days it was... Since we've already been replace in Shaked, we were reassigned to... Maccabim. They packed and moved everything again while I was enjoying my 8 hours of rest every day and night.

Finally, after 18 days, half of which were a real nightmare, I was replaced and released home. When I got back from home to our new base in Maccabim, I found out that my team's been released as well. That means that they were home for the second time, that they simply skipped my previous vacation.

Asking for an extra vacation at home was futile. My commander kept saying: "The army doesn't owe you anything!"

At least I'm glad that the nightmare of Hermesh is now over. I don't know how we'd have survived a few more weeks out there. People started to go crazy! I sure hope that we won't have to get back there again.