The shortest way out

31st August, 2005

It was time to tell her everything...

"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."

Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"

Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."

Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?

I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.

Natalie:"Okay... why?"

Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"

Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."
Me: "What? Come on, tell me."
Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."
Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."

It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.

Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."
Me: "What do you like about him?"
Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."

Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"
Natalie: "Yeah, it does."

It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.

Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."

Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."

I had to go. We hung up.

It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.

I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.

1st September, 2005

I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.

This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.

I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.

Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."

Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."

Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."

Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."

Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"

Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."
Me: "I am."
Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."
Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."
Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."

Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."
Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."

I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!

Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"
Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."

Me: "How long ago was it?"
Natalie: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"
Natalie: "3-4 months ago."

S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.

Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"
Natalie: "15 minutes."

It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.

Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"

Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."
Me: "Do you regret what you did?"
Natalie: "yes and no.."
Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"
Natalie: "no, I do regret it."

I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!

Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."

Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."

I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.

Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."

She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...

"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!

Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.

I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"

The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.

She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.

Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."

She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.

Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?

Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"
Natalie: "what?"
Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"

I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.

Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."

Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"

A smile.

Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"
Me: "I'm sorry."

I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".

One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.

The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.

It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.

Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"

Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"
Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"
Natalie: "My love."
Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."

Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.

Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.

I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."

That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.

Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.

That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.

It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.

Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...

Feelings have a sense of direction

27th August, 2005

Today I finally had some free time for myself to do what I want. You miss these things once you spend all your time in the company of your partner.

Most of my time is being spent with her, and as much as I'm happy to be with her, sometimes I need a little space for myself.

We eventually met in the afternoon and went to Park Darom. The sun was setting, casting an orange haze over the endless array of buildings of Tel Aviv.

Me: "I'll miss those days. What we have here is (will be remembered) forever. I'm having a lot of fun with you, yet time takes it away from me."

It really seemed like it was going to be the last romantic event in our relationship. There was something in the atmosphere around us suggesting that the end is near.

Me: "You're a great person, Natalie, and it will be hard losing someone like you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. Your whole life is ahead of you."

I meant those words, just like I meant everything else that I've said to her. She might not have the best character in the world, but there's kindness in her soul, the kindness that I hoped would grow during our relationship and eventually change her character.

It was getting late. My mom gave her a ride home. I accompanied her. "This time I won't walk you to the front door. My mom's in a hurry and it's also easier to part that way."

Althought the reasons were sincere, there was something more to it. A crack in our relationship was expanding, threatening to tear us apart for good...

Meanwhile, I received an SMS from Angel: "Hi! Sorry if I woke you up now! Just had to think about you right now... I'm listening to your CD at the moment. I hope you are fine. :) Good night and sweet dreams! Miss you."

I replied to her sms, and I really wished to chat with her. I checked MSN a lot of times at home, but she was never online. Why do I ignore Natalie's request? I don't know...

29th August, 2005

Back in the army. A painful 5 hour drive to the base. I was tired.

This evening I was chatting with Natalie. Angel was online, in invisible mode.

How I wanted to talk to her....... I couldn't resist it.

Natalie asked me whether I talk to Angel. If I say "yes", it'd be another fight... I would hurt her and be so busy trying to sort things out that I wouldn't be able to talk to Angel at all.

Me: "No. She's not online anyway."
Natalie: "She is. Are you blind?"
Me: "I'm telling you, she's not. Maybe she's invisible."
Natalie: "She's online in my contact list."
Me: "Well... maybe she's added you to her visible list."
Natalie: "Maybe she did"

I went to bed. At around 1am someone called me and woke me up. "Who's calling me so late at night?!"

"Hello?" I answered in a rather sleepy voice.
They hung up.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then I received an SMS from Angel. I was no longer upset. :)

"Hey, sorry, I actually wanted to speak with you, but I couldn't ^^' I... Well, it was nice to hear your voice again... :) Have a good night!"

I replied to her, saying sorry for my tired voice, telling her that I missed her voice too, that even though she woke me up, it's absolutely okay. Of all the people in the world, she's allowed to do that. Besides, I usually sleep better after talking to her.

I wished her a good night and sweet dreams... after a few minutes I received another message: "Oh, I'm sorry! I can't sleep... I have to think all the time what would have happened if I have moved to you and just be a housewife or what I should do... I don't know... I miss you so much and when I was with you, I still had dreams... now I'm justl iving day by day and think about nothing. Just working and doing nothing... Is that life? Well, don't wanna bother you with my problems. ^^' So, sorry ^^' Anyway, see you online anytime. Good night!"

"I want you to be happy, Angel. You are the only true angel I know. You deserve happiness more than others. ^^ Come to me, it will be great. :)"

She replied: "Don't say that, otherwise I might really do it (come to Israel) *lol* What is hapiness? ^^ (IsraeliDiary), Do you think we'll be together one day again? .. Sorry, that's a silly question. ^^"

"We will. That's why I'm still breathing. You are my brightest future! A star that will always shine and inspire! Don't be a housewife, you have a future. Seek your talents. Gotta go sleep, talk to you later."

Angel: "Thanks. Then I'll hold on to that future either! ... (IsraeliDiary), I'm looking forward to it... :) You were, are and will always be my one and only... sleep well."

Does she really mean that? Has she realized once and for all that we are meant to be together?

30th August, 2005

Today it was my team's turn to cook dinner for the whole battery. Each week a different team has to make dinner. It's just a one-time competition for fun. A team receives 100 NIS to buy the products. A winning team gets a free day out in the north, some kind of activity.

I was making a salad in the kitchen. My mind was fully occupied with the recent events. I was thinking about how I lied to Natalie about talking to Angel, about how I flirted with Angel.

Yes, it all came from my heart, but isn't it a bit unfair towards Natalie? What should I tell her? I gotta tell her the truth..... but then I'll hurt her... Well, the truth will come out sooner or later, it better be now than later. The guilt of lying is consuming me from inside. How can I lie? I never lie to people, it's not me. How do I explain to her that I can't stop talking to Angel no matter what? Would it be unfair if I talk to Angel while I have feelings for her? It would hurt Natalie. All the talking last night... it'd make her cry! I can't hurt her... but the truth - it's got to be told. Arggghhhh!!!

I shall tell her... I'll explain everything to her... but she'll be angry and revengful!

31st August, 2005

Why is it that everytime I get a message from Angel, I read it over and over again. Sometimes I would read Natalie's too, but not as often and as thoroughly as Angel's.

Why is it that everyday something reminds me of Angel. How I love her unique smile. No one smiles the way she does. :) I feel this burning sensation in my chest whenever I recall her smile.

I can't control this! I miss her! That's when my doubts turn into reassurances. Doubts in my love to Natalie... I think I don't love her. I like being with her, I like cuddling with her, I like making out with her, I like dating her, looking at her, watching movies with her, but I don't think that I love her. I just don't know if I do. The only thing I know is that I'm not sure about this anymore.

I started thinking about how horrible it would be to lose her. She made me happy so many times! She's been a great and loving girlfriend and her life... her life is a whole world! It's really hard for me to lose a person so close to my heart. It could've been perfect had we been perfect for each other, stayed together, raised a family and realized all our dreams... but we're not meant for each other, we fight and disagree. We sometimes reach a point where we feel carelessness towards each other, coldness and hostility.

Sometimes we don't even look like we're friends, let alone a couple. Then I begin thinking how far off our relationship is from what it should be. We just don't match. After a few fights, we'd be friends again, but what then? Exactly, another fight!

Look at Angel, she's never said a bad word about me. She's never been mad at me, never insulted me with words, never meant to do me any harm, it's like she's never even thought anything negative about me. Just like me.

This is it. Tonight, after spending hours thinking it over I had decided!

It was time to talk to her and tell her everything...

What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?

1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.
2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.
7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.

He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.

Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.

After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.

Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.

2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?

After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.

We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?

Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.

Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.

I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.

Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.

At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.

Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.

A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.

16th August, 2005

Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.

Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"
Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"
Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."

Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.
I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.

I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.

24th August, 2005

I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)

I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??

So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)
I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

25th August, 2005

Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!

He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.

The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.

Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.

After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.

28th August, 2005

I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.

We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.

I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-

Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."

"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."

"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"

"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"

Then we were talking about us and our differences...

Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."

Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"

Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."

Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."

Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.

Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?

We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."

Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"

Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."

She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.

What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

* * * * *

In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.