A twist in the plot

20th October, 2004

My honey SMSed me tonight. It said I should read her e-mail. I checked the inbox (using my cellphone) but there were no e-mails from her.

If they're already received by outlook, they aren't considered new and so I can't see them on my cellphone. I asked my mom to re-send them when she comes home. She sent them to my e-mail but I still couldn't receive them.

I asked her to read them to me. The first e-mail was from 15th, it was about her operation and her school life.

The 2nd one was from yesterday. It said she is confused about her feelings and that she doesn't want me to hate her or regret hearing it, but if I want, she can tell me.

Tell me what? Why would I hate her? What is going on?!

I immediately called her. Jenny answered the phone and said Angel's taking a shower.

I called 10 minutes later. Angel answered the phone this time. She told me she can't say this on the phone, that she'll explain it in SMS.

I sat down outside, trying to find a place to be alone, to think about all the possibilities and prepare for the worst. Many different thoughts were racing in my mind, one of them in particular really scared me: What if she doesn't love me anymore?!

I'm not ready for this. I won't be able to accept it, not so suddenly!

My arms and legs were shaking uncontrollably. I was sitting there nervously, constantly looking at the cellphone, ready to face the dreadful verdict.

After a short while I received 2 messages:

"Ok hon, I'm unsure. About my feelings. Cause I think I fell in love with someone I better not have a crush on. Someone you know. I'm afraid to tell you. But it's..."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

"...it's Anna."

WHAT?!

"that's why I'm not sure if I should've told you. Don't know how you will react. Don't know what to do or think. I love you also! But... well, it's kind of embarassing. Please don't call me today :-/"
All of a sudden she realized she's bisexual? Is that how it works?

I replied, asking her for details. "By the word attraction do you feel like kissing her, touching her and all that? Are you lesbian or perhaps more likely a bisexual?"

She replied: "I don't know what I am. More of a bisexual. And yeah, I feel like I wanna kiss her and I love being with her and I think about her a lot. My heart beats fast when I'm close to her."
My reply was something like that (I forgot part of the message): "Honey, do you love me? I'm sorry. You're most likely shocked more than I am and should be alone to think about everything. I love you and support you no matter what."

One time, back in June, before we even were in Hebron, she wrote me that something really shocking happened to her. When I called her, she explained it: she said that her mother asked her if she's lesbian. She thought this way because Angel's never had a boyfriend and she'd always hung around with girls.

The possibility of her being a bisexual has occured to me a few times in the past, but I always rejected this thought, hating myself for thinking of such things about my Angel.

But now it's true. It's a fact. She is bisexual. What effect will it have on our relationship?

It was dinner. I was stuffing food in my mouth like a madman, unable to relax, to come to my senses. I saw my whole world of dreams burning in flames. Now it's never gonna be the same. This relationship was so perfect. Nothing could stop us, nothing could come between us, except an unexpected consequence like death (God forbid!).

What if it's for the best?

One year ago I had a dilemma - Should I go for 1 special person, wait for 3 years and then be with her for the rest of my life, or should I enjoy my last teenage years and my twenties like most guys do? I chose the former because she's simply above all else!

As months passed by I've seen what I have missed, what I could have had.

These thoughts were consuming me from the inside, but I kept telling myself that she's worth it, that if I give up on her now, I will deeply regret it later and I'll never know what could have been if only we'd stayed together. Life is full of choices. You can't have everything. Can you?

Well, now that she's bisexual... maybe she wouldn't mind.

Argh! What the hell am I thinking?! Here is the proof that I'm becoming insane!

* * * * *

I was guarding at the observation tower tonight and I was getting sleepy. I opened my eyes after a few minutes of drifting in the dreamworld. I wished it was just a dream. But it wasn't.

Sometimes you have horrible nightmares. You wake up and say: "phew. it was just a bad dream." But there are experiences in life that are much worse than nightmares.

No matter how hard you rub your eyes with your hands and try to wake up, when you open them, the nightmare will still be there. You wish you could turn back time, to load a savepoint, but there's nothing that you can do to change it.

I just know that I love her more than anything. When I look at her pictures, I see my wife smiling at me, my one and only Angel, the one person that fills my life with bright colors, the only one who makes me feel worthy.

I pray for an everlasting relationship.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Tsedek.

10 things about myself:

1. When I was 9, my father taught me advanced math, including algebra. I was considered a wunderkind or something of that kind by my whole class during my early years in school.

2. I think a lot about everything. About the future, the past, the present. Making up stories, ideas. Thinking about what other people might be thinking and how to make sure they would understand me and not get offended. Often thinking too much, hesitating to say it and missing the right timing.

3. Love has always been the most important thing in my life. I fell in love for the first time when I was 7, thinking about her day and night, dreaming about kissing her on the cheek and so on.

4. I always hated to be told that I'm too young to understand something, that I'm not old enough for a certain girl. Even though I look a few years younger than my actual age, I'm more mature than most people of my age and older.

5. I have a large folder with all kinds of artifacts and letters from the past that have a certain meaning to me.

6. Until the age of 12 I had no interest in music. I had a few tapes which I'd brought with me from USSR and I kept listening to them over and over again until I was 12. Only then did I discover MTV and VH1, when my friends told me of a few popular bands... Then I started to create some music of my own. I took piano lessons for 2.5 years and since then I'd written over 80 melodies, some of which could undoubtedly be highly popular and successful if they are to be recorded professionally.

7. Dale Carnegie's books had a big influence on my life. Why? Go read it yourself! ;)

8. I love this world and I love all the people. I give twice the respect to people from foreign countries, especially to tourists who visit Israel.

9. I'm a very emotional person, but I try to hide it whenever it's seen as a form of weakness.

10. Time is my worst enemy. It's the one obstacle that you can't beat no matter what. I believe that time is our real wealth. We are born equally wealthy and we must choose wisely how to spend this fortune - the time of our lives.

In search of reason

10th October, 2004

2 days of our vacation have been taken away. Our officer wanted to organize a 2-day trip to Jerusalem and Sdot-Yam, a kibbutz near Caesarea and Hadera where Kobi lives (a commander from our platoon). A female soldier, whose job is being a military tour guide in Jerusalem, had taken us to various places in the old city and told us of its past. Then we visited the western wall and everyone wrote a note and put it in the wall.

Next, we drove to Sdot-Yam. It's a beautiful Kibbutz located next to the beach. There are archaeological findings from Roman times, there's a large sailing club there. Gal Friedman, the first gold medalist of the Olympic games in Israel's history (He won it a few months ago) lives and trains right here. We had barbecue in the evening and on the next morning we went to the beach. A while later, a model and 2 photographers passed us by. They went north, beyond a small rocky hill to find a perfect spot to do the shooting. Everyone was so curious to see it, they went up there to watch.

In the afternoon, we all were taken to the bus station in Hadera. I was home at 4:30pm, but I had to come back to the base this evening, thanks to the punishment Lior gave me a week ago.

13th October, 2004

It's been 10 days since I've last heard from Angel. I can't stop worrying!

I called her. The phone rings, but nobody answers it.

I SMSed her 3-4 times these last few days, but there's no reply.

I e-mailed her when I was home, but received nothing.

What is going on? Where is she? Has something bad happened or is there something she doesn't want me to know? There are many ways to communicate nowadays. It's not like she can't contact me, so what is it about? I don't get it.

A few days ago, when I was at home, her friend Jenny was online. Angel was at her place at the time. I talked to Angel, but all she ever said was "hi" and "I'm fine". Then she stopped replying.

My last SMS to her was: "Honey, I'm really worried. Please contact me or my mom somehow. Through email, phone, your mom, internet cafe, your friends, anyhow. I know you can, but you don't do it, so I'm worried."

Later this evening, while I was guarding in the observation tower, I received an SMS and somehow missed an unknown call. The SMS was from Angel! It said: "Honey, don't be worried! Don't you trust me? You know I love you, don't you? I'm lying in the hospital. Operation again. Got my phone today again. Hope you are fine! Love you soo much! Kiss." It made me happy again, to know that our relationship is stable, but now I was worried about her operation. Poor Angel. After I had replied to her, her 2nd SMS said she couldn't speak to me, at least for the next 2 days. She has problems with her throat, which is why she has to undergo an operation.

16th October, 2004

6a.m. - I was supposed to guard at the watchtower as usual, but some Palestinian guy threw a Molotov cocktail on the road near 76th junction and so Raleb called me, Haim and Maxim to go down there ASAP. We were ordered to prevent any movement on the road connecting 2 Palestinian villages.

Haim took one side of the road, I took the other one. He aggressively yelled and pointed his gun at every Palestinian who came upon our roadblock. There was a taxi with a Palestinian guy in the back, who had his eye bandaged. The taxi driver said the man had some kind of a pin stuck in his eye and that he needed to be delivered to the hospital immediately. But Raleb couldn't care less. After some yelling, the driver turned back.

Maxim joined my side of the road. I started talking to him about his views, hoping to have at least someone agreeing with my point of view, but my hopes have turned against me. He said he's not a racist, but he dislikes Palestinians. He said that Baruch Goldstein, who massacred 29 Palestinians in 1994 did the right thing, that just like they commit suicide bombings and kill innocent civilians, we should commit such acts ourselves and kill their innocent civilians as well. *Sigh*

I was surrounded by 3 guys who hated Palestinians indiscriminately. It looked as if every Palestinian they met on the roadblock was that molotov-cocktail-throwing criminal in their eyes.

A taxi came to our side of the road. The taxi driver said he had a pregnant woman in the back who needs to give birth. Maxim told him to turn back. The driver started to argue with Maxim, when he'd lost his patience and shouted: "I don't give a shit! Even if you die, I wouldn't care! Now turn around and go back!"

A while later, two more cars came - one was with another pregnant woman, the other - a father and a boy who had a broken leg.

But Raleb did not care!

Raleb told him to turn around and then walked on to deal with another vehicle. But the father didn't listen. He went out of the vehicle, carrying his son in his arms. He tried to reason with Raleb, but he and Maxim started to shout at him angrily and walking in his direction. Then the father walked back to his vehicle and turned around.

Some Palestinians would ask us when they could come back, but the only answer they'd get is another "get out of my sight!" and "turn around!".

I wish I had done something, but feel shame and pity. I don't know whose orders it was, but they didn't make any sense. Since we're here, we can check those cars and let them pass. Why punish everyone? Why do we prevent basic humanitarian needs?!

Assuming there are justified reasons for this kind of roadblock, why can't they preserve their patience and explain the situation to these people? They wouldn't be so aggressive towards Israelis, no matter how annoying some Israelis can be, so why this kind of discrimination?

Maybe they refuse to leave, if you're not aggressive enough. Is being calm and nice to people considered to be a form of weakness when it comes to soldiers? I think that in some way it does, yet it doesn't mean that you should be aggressive to everyone. One should use it only when necessary.

Looking at the big picture, one can wonder how much damage a stupid individual with a molotov cocktail or a stone in his hand can do.

17th October, 2004

Pinhas is a good person if you get to know him well, but not when it comes to politics and Palestinians. He says he'd kill all Arabs if he could. He told me how once there was one Palestinian who pissed him off. He was told he couldn't pass through the roadblock and that he shouldn't bother trying to come back, but the guy came back to the roadblock to see if it's still there and to ask again if he could pass. Pinhas approached him, grabbed him by his neck and started choking him!

Amir, a commander who was at the roadblock at the time, urged Pinhas to stop. Pinhas says: "Amir is a pussy, unlike Natan (his present commander who doesn't seem to like Palestinians that much). Natan lets us do whatever we want whenever Palestinians give us any problems."

Hatred is all over the place.

(A year later, I found out that Pinhas' girlfriend was killed in a suicide bombing. That's probably where all this hatred comes from.)

* * * * *

I fell like a free man doing a favor to this country, doing nothing in overall, wasting 3 most precious years of my life for nothing instead of being somewhere abroad with Angel.

IDF saves the lives of many Israelis by defending this country, but IDF is also the primary cause for Israeli victims in these bombings and shootings. IDF gives them reasons to hate us and want to fight us.

I don't feel like doing anything good for Israelis or Palestinians, or for world's peace, but there's one thing that I am doing and it's documenting everything that I witness here. How can it help change anything? I don't know. I only hope that if it ever changes anything, it would be a positive change for everyone.

* * * * *

I decided to write a letter to myself, that is, my future self. "Open and read it on the day that you're released from the army."

Dear me!

You must be 21 by now. I hope Angel's right there next to you. Do not tell me that apart from a meeting in April 2005 and/or a metting or two more, you have not seen her since and that you wait until she finishes a university. I feel like I can't wait to see her again! Can you? :)

You're most likely with her by now. With all of my heart, I do hope you are together.

What are your plans? Are you going to record the songs? Are you to become a web designer? Do you plan to move to Germany or USA? How's Mom doing? She's still not receiving her salary on time? Is she still alone? How's your brother doing? Is he tired of his academic service?

I wish you all the best in the world! Good luck in your free, civilian life and greeting to Angel from the young me! :)

Love her forEVER!!! Don't you tell me you don't feel the same!

Me, 19 years old, 17/10/04.

The next chapter: Maccabim

27th September, 2004

When I came back to the army on 26th, my friends and a few other soldiers including my commander asked me about the trip. I brought pictures with me to show them... and to look at them myself once in a while.

On the next day, my battery was moving out of Hebron and getting ready to be replaced by other forces. I was in Telem settlement, doing some packing and cleaning up.

We had to wait in the parking lot for 3 hours until the bus came. It took us to Jerusalem, to "Beit HaHayal" - it's what you'd call a soldier's hotel.

Any soldier can spend a night at the hotel for around 35NIS ($8). Soldiers without parents, or with certain problems in the family are allowed to stay at the hotel for free.

There are such hotels in Ashqelon and Eilat that are primarily used for annual week-long vacations organized by the regiments. For example, 4 months ago - when I was in the middle of a commander's course, my regiment had a week-long vacation in Ashqelon.

This time, however, it was not a vacation. The next day we would proceed to our new home - Maccabim.

The same night, my throat hurt and I had temperature. I talked to our battery's medic, but he refused to help me, explaining me that all the medicine is packed and will only be unpacked tomorrow.

28th September-4th October, 2004

The regiment was ready to leave the hotel. Our battery would move to a small base on road number 443 connecting Modi'in and Jerusalem. The second battery would move to Maccabim - a base located on the Israeli side of the green-line border, next to the city Maccabim-Reut, close to Modi'in.

In Macabbim, soldiers have to prevent illegal Palestinian workers from entering the country. The fence is being constructed there, but it would take a few more years until it's finished.

The soldiers there are also responsible for the 443 roadblock. Thousands of people use that road every day, including Knesset members. Since the roadblock is located at the border between Israeli and the Palestinian territories, cars have to be checked.

Palestinian cars aren't allowed on that road, but Arab-Israeli cars are. If a soldier notices a car with Arabs or if he's not sure whether the man in the car is Arab or not, he signals the car to turn to the right-most lane for a routine check.

I know, this kind of selection is discriminative, but since not a single Israeli had yet carried out a suicide bombing, there is no reason to check them or their vehicles for explosives or anything of the kind.

As for Israeli-Arabs, they're checked only because you can rarely tell the difference between an Israeli-Arab and a Palestinian one, and sometimes Israeli-Arabs drive Palestinians into Israel.

But that's what the second battery will be doing in the following month, not mine.

I know it all because I served in that base for 2 months during my advanced training in the third battery. (4th battery is basic training. It doesn't officially belong to the regiment. 3rd battery is advanced training. 2nd and 1st batteries are where soldiers spend the rest of their military service, unless they leave for all kinds of reasons.)

My battery arrived to a small base, more of a post I'd say. There's barely enough space for the whole battery to fit in. I'd been here as well, during my advanced training, but since then the post has been re-arranged and improved. There are more containers now (Yes, in most bases we live in containers!), the entrance gate's been moved to a completely different location and the observation post has been upgraded with a monitor and a joystick.

It was an unbearable heat of around 45 degrees. The weather man said it was the hottest day of the year, yet we had to work without break during the whole day, unpacking the trucks, moving things from one place to another - beds, mattrasses, personal bags, army bags, vests, sofas, chairs, tables and a lot of miscellaenous battery accessories. Every 5 minutes I ran to the bathroom to drink water from the sink, despite my sore throat.

A while later, while the others were still unpacking, Aaron called me and a few others for a briefing... (Aaron is a very good guy from Ireland. He immigrated to Israel when he was a kid, just like me. We've completed both basic and advanced training together. Then he took the full commander's course and now he's assigned as a commander of the 2nd team of the 2nd platoon, while I'm in the 1st team of the 2nd platoon. My commander, Matan, also served the first 8 months of his military service with me. When he became my commander it felt really strange. But that's how it works here in the army. Even officers are younger than some of the regular soldiers. Never mind the rank, the younger ones should always respect the older soldiers, for they're usually more experienced.

When we all gathered, Yair, my officer, briefed us on the first mission. Normally, we would've been happy to skip all the unpacking, go on a mission and have a good sleep. But this mission wasn't something to be happy about: The regiment commander wants a team in one of the Palestinian villages. He wants us to be there for three straight days, guard on a terrace outside a Palestinian house, wearing a ceramic vest. No electricity. Peeing in bottles. The rest I'll leave to your own imagination. What was the purpose of this mission? Nobody knew.

It was madness! I've never heard of such things before.
We were waiting for a vehicle to take us there. We all hoped this mission would be cancelled.... and it eventually was. :)

I was assigned to guard at the observation post. An officer had given me a quick tutorial on how to use the joystick and the various camera functions, including night vision and I was happy to do the job. I became a regular observator - guarding from 2 to 6 am and pm and performing all the morning and evening cleaning duties with the other soldiers who were currently off their missions. Other missions included AV patrol and a foot patrol. The main mission is to protect the road and prevent Palestinians from throwing Molotov cocktails and stones on Israeli cars.

My throat was still sore, but nobody really cared about it. I couldn't drink anything cold, but the only drink that was available to us at dinner was ice cold raspberry juice. The medic gave me "Kalgaron" which is more like a candy-pill for little children. It obviously didn't help. My mom visited my on Saturday and gave me some medicine, honey and a thermos along with some fruits and sweets. Thanks Mom!

Lior officially became the battery's sergeant and inherited the job from one of the finest sergeants I've ever known - Avi. (If you ever watched the popular TV-Series "Lost", Avi is a COPY of Matthew Fox, the leading actor. The only two differences are that Avi's hair is already gray at age 21 and his voice is that of Vladimir Vysotsky, a famous Russian singer.)

Lior decided to show his authority on the second day of his duty. He asked everyone to wear a hat during morning and evening formation. (After morning/evening cleaning routine, soldiers have to wear vests with their flasks and magazines full, and stand in a U formation facing the commanders who check their flasks, their magazines, their weapons, the rooms, the toilets and the whole area of the base. A soldier is punished if he doesn't have his flasks or magazines full. If the base is not clean enough, soldiers have to keep cleaning until commanders are satisfied. Sometimes it depends on the mood and character of present commanders.)

On the next morning I had to wear a hat but I couldn't find it. I asked guys if they could lend me one, but no one had a spare hat. Standing in the formation without a hat resulted in a 1-day punishment. It means that one day of my vacation at home is taken away because of a stupid hat. He didn't accept any explanations. My commander supported me, but he couldn't anything about it. Lior wanted people to obey him, to fear his punishment. He needed an example to prove that he's serious. There I was.

Matan helped me nevertheless. He told me to come back from home a day earlier, but sometime in the evening. That way it would only be a few hours instead of a day.

I didn't hear any news from Angel, apart from one message. I don't want to bother her by sending too many SMS messages, but I do want to hear from her more often.

5th October, 2004

The whole battery gathered in the center and we spent a wonderful evening, playing games with music, barbecue and karaoke. November 2001 soldiers were singing the song "Gone till November" originally performed by Wyclef Jean, marking their upcoming release in November 2004.

The next morning we were released home at 8:30am. :)

The train at midnight

23rd September, 2004

As I woke up this morning, I noticed there was a note under the door. I thought maybe she left me a goodbye note in case I leave for the airport before she gets home from school. When I picked it up from the floor and read it, it said (these are the exact words): "Good morning, honey! So, I just wanted to tell you that I won't be home after school. I'd come home at around 4p.m. if you still are at our place. If you're not, please tell my mom that to tell me, so that I can stay longer (at friend's). Anyway, I wish you a good flight. Take care in the army! We'll soon meet again. ;) Love you forever. *Kiss*. Yours, Angel."

I didn't know how to react. I read it again a couple of times to make sure I got it right.

A while later I received a phone call from El-Al's agency. It's over now... The flight is at 7a.m. tomorrow in Munich. There are no trains at night, so I'll have to leave this evening. :(

Tomorrow at noon is Yom Kippur. If I arrive by noon, I might not be able to get back to the army as there are buses on Yom Kippur. This way I'll be able to stay at home for the weekend. I can't really imagine myself going straight back into the army after this trip. I'd better spend a few days at home first. Home? But I feel like I've got nothing to do at home, like my life's here with Angel. I don't wanna leave that life.

Angel didn't come at 4:30 pm. Instead, she called me to see if I'm still at her place. I wrote to her mother earlier today and asked her to tell Angel that I'm still here until tonight, that we have only a few hours left to be together, but she didn't forward the message to Angel for some reason.

I'm feeling so sad at the moment. I'm feeling like my life's over or something. Like nobody really cares! There is only thing that I need in my life, nothing else. This one precious thing can fill my life with so much happiness, it gives my life a meaning, a reason to go on living. This 1 thing is called "Care". I want to be important to somebody, to feel loved, to have someone interested in what's happening in my life, someone who gives me the respect that I deserve and the support that I need, whenever I need it. It's the way Angel made me feel whenever we'd chat. I'll be looking forward to it. I wish she could be this way in real life as well. It's all I ever wish for...

Of course, apart from this, there are plenty of reasons to keep on living and they'll keep me going... until I meet her again. It's a tragic day for me... I know I'm gonna miss every moment that I spent with her, I'm gonna miss this beautiful country and its peaceful atmosphere. Right now I can't feel it, but I know I'm gonna feel it soon enough.

Angel's still not home. Her whole family is. I try not to think about it because it makes me more and more upset. I decided to distract myself by watching some of her DVDs in her room.

She came home at 6p.m. She said she wanted to come earlier, but she'd missed the bus. It's okay. I can never be mad at her. Ever. She's home now and I can be with her for a few hours, it's all that matters now.

We had dinner and a movie: Braveheart. When the movie was over, it was time for us to get ready to go to the train station. Her mom took us to the train station. She waited in the car when Angel escorted me to the platform where I'd take the train to Munich.

"Platform number 9. This is where we first met." She said. 10 days ago I was right here, beginning my journey and now this is also the place where I end it. Our last 15 minutes are to be carved into my memory for an eternity. We promised each other not to cry. I held her tight and kissed her again and again, anxious at the thought of it being the last kiss. She gave me a goodbye present - it was a red heart the size of a palm.

More than a year ago, before I was drafted into the army, I used to send her all kinds of presents over the mail. One of the packages included a tiny, scented heart. This tiny little heart made her realize that she loves me. She thought it was a sign from me that I love her, but back then I didn't. I just liked her as a friend.

She still remembers that gift. She decided to give me a similar one in return. Is it a sign from her that she loves me, or does she feel the same way that I used to feel back then?

The train arrived. We hugged for one last time and said goodbye to each other. I felt like running back to her arms!

I entered the empty train and took a seat. It felt so lonely... I could skim through our pictures, I could hold her gift in my hands, but it would only make things worse. I was already feeling overemotional. It was hard for me, really hard.

The falling drops of rain, that were dripping down the train's window shall replace my tears.

I tried to distract myself from the pain I was feeling, tried to think of other things, but that wasn't easy either

Argh! How can I not think about her?! This is crazy! I hope to see her again in 6-7 months, in April 2005! :)

The song "Train at midnight" by Bad Boys Blue fits most perfectly to this particular part of my life

I arrived to Munich's train station. It appears that I had to take another train, this time to the airport itself, but the trains stopped operating at this hour. I had to find a way to get to the airport somehow...

I crossed the road and found an internet cafe. It took me a while until I found out how to get to the airport. I need to take a subway train, but the first train leave in 3 hours from now so meanwhile I should find myself something to do.

I remember that 8 years ago I played a PC game called Gabriel Knight 2. It was filmed here in Munich and this game really made me excited about visiting those places. As I was surfing the net in the iCafe store, I searched for the street names mentioned in the game and I located them on the map. Even though the time was 1a.m. I decided to walk around the city and find that street.

The streets near the train station were full of strip clubs, pubs and closed computer shops. The next street was deserted and completely dark. I can't say I wasn't concerned. You couldn't conceal your identity as a tourist if you walked with baggage and a photo camera. The photos didn't come out very well due to lack of light.

The next street had little illumination. A drunk man was heading my way... Nothing happened.

I found a bus station with a city map. Good thing I found it in the right place, I had to turn east to get to Marienplatz. After a while I found the place. It was a city square, as the name suggests. At first I didn't recognize the place, but then I saw the fountain and the subway station and it brought me back into that game, even though it looks differently in reality.































I walked down the stairs to the subway station. There were ticket machines, but everything was written in German. Very tourist-unfriendly, if I might say. I didn't know what buttons to press, how to choose the right route, anything. The station was empty, except for two patrol guards, several locals and a few homeless.

I went to the restroom. There was a guy behind me, heading there as well. That whole place looked dangerous. I had to stay alert.

When I entered men's room I was shocked to see a man's head on the floor of one of the cells. He was either dead or unconscious. I could only see his head sticking out the slit below the cell's door. The next moment I was out of there. Didn't want to get myself into any trouble.

I was standing next to the ticket machine, trying to figure out how to use it when I saw a few guys, male and female wearing elegant black, heading towards me. At first I thought they were a band, but later it turned out they were airport clerks on their way to Munich airport. Not only that, but they were also speaking Hebrew! I couldn't believe my luck! They helped me buy a ticket.

Finally I could ride a subway... It was my childhood dream. :)

The airport was huge! I followed these guys all across the airport into a small, isolated area. I'd once been told that they've decided to make a separate, isolated terminal for Israeli passengers. I find it very insulting. There was heavy security that have thoroughly checked our luggage and even asked us to take off our shoes. The was no duty free. Just a small shop to buy souvenirs and chocolate.

But first I had to wait outside the terminal with all the other passengers. Everyone was angry and upset. They wanted to get to Israel as soon as possible. Was I the only one in favor of the strike? :)

The plane left Germany. I felt sad and tired. I slept during the flight.





























We landed at 10:45a.m. but it took a while to receive the luggage. My mom met me in the airport and took me home. I arrived home and called my commander. It was 1p.m. He said I'm to stay at home for the weekend and come back to the army Sunday morning. Yes!!! 2 more days to spend at home! :)

Looking back, it was a wonderful journey. I enjoyed every minute of it. Now I hope I've earned the trust of her mother. Either way, Angel will turn 18 by March 2005 and in April she could come to Israel and spend a wonderful vacation here with me. Time is passing by pretty fast...

With this journey I proved myself that love has no boundaries. If you truly love someone, there is nothing that can stop you but your own will.

You can fall in love with someone over the internet, even if you have no idea how he/she looks like. It's all in your mind... and your heart.

Something we can't live without

22nd September, 2004

My commander Matan called me at night. I told him I'm still in Germany because of the strike, but he already knew that. He asked me a few questions about Germany and Angel. Then I asked him how they're doing there in Hebron. He said there's been some shooting and there's mess. Somehow, I didn't want to think about it on my vacation, but we didn't talk much about that. "Just don't forget to take pictures, you promised me!" "Yeah, sure, I have a lot of them." "Alright. Well, have fun." "Thanks, bye."

When I woke up in the morning, I received another call. It was my mom calling. She told me the strike is partially over. I called the El-Al agency and they confirmed that they strike has ended but asked me not to come to the airport. They'll call me and tell me when to come.

I figure it would take a while since mine is not the only flight that's been delayed, but I should be ready to leave any minute anyway.

I still can't believe that my prayers have been answered. I asked God for some more time with Angel, I told God I wasn't ready to leave yet... :)

As I think of my Angel and of the possibility that I might not see her for a long time, I feel that I love her soooooo much, and despite my recent concerns regarding our relationship, I know I'll stay with her even if she hurts me badly.

But it wasn't really her that hurt me, was it? It was the time limit that made me so anxious to see her as much as possible. I'd get upset whenever she spent an hour talking on the phone or had a long conversation with her mom, when she arrived home an hour or two later than usual and so on. I'm confident that this little problem won't hurt our relationship in the long term. ;)

Angel arrived home this afternoon. I couldn't really tell if she was happy to see me. It was possible that I'd have been on my way to Israel by now, but I couldn't really see if she cared that much. :(

A few minutes later she was on the phone, talking to a friend for like an hour. I was just sitting there, bored, waiting for her to hang up. After a while I signaled her that she's been talking a long time and that she should hang up, but it was only after a while that she actually did.

During her phone conversation she asked me if I want to come to Jenny's place and visit them all (to sit and watch them converse in German?!) I was angry and upset, but all I said is that I'll give her an answer a bit later.

This is crazy! I'm gonna get a call any minute now, asking me to come to the airport, say goodbye to Angel and not see her again for a long time, yet I can't find a minute of time to spend with her.

I decided it was time to have a talk with her. I explained to her that her feelings are important for me, that I want her to show her love, to show me that she cares about me, not only in chat conversations but in real life as well. If she does that, I would be so happy that leaving to Israel wouldn't be so depressing. :)

She said that she just doesn't do it and that it was one of the reasons why other guys didn't want to have a relationship with her.

Oh Angel! I held her in my arms and told her I would not be one of them.

I really hope she will eventually learn how to open up and show her feelings. I'm her first boyfriend after all and she probably just needs some relationship experience.

I know I can't live without it, though. I can't be satisfied with a virtual love confession.

* * * * *

We didn't do much today. I helped her with homework, we ate dinner and watched "Enemy at the gates", then she went to bed at 10:40pm.

I didn't receive a call from El-Al yet, but it's bound happen soon, I'm sure of it...