The last, long days of October

22nd October, 2004

It's my team's turn to go home next week for 6 days, but it's been decided that we'll only have 1.5 days of vacation because by the end of next week we finish our duty in this place and move to our home base in the Golan heights to reorganize before our next mission.

We're going to be here for exactly 1 month in total. Every week 2 teams are released home for 6 days. We've never been released home for 6 days in a row before, but since we're here for just a month, each one of us will get only one, long vacation anyway. Except my team. We'll go home with everyone else next weekend for 1.5 days.

I called Angel this evening. Oh how happy I was to hear her magical voice once again!

After some talking, I asked her a few questions: "So, did you get used to it? ...being bisexual?" "yeah" "What do you think is going to happen to our relationship? Is it going to change in some way?" "I don't know" "I'm not talking about Anna. I'm talking about bisexuality. Anytime during our relationship you could fall in love with some girl.." "it can happen in any relationship" "yes, but I thought that I'm your one & only. If it's true love, how come you love Anna as well? Do you love us both equally?" "no, I like Anna a bit, but I'm not in love with her the way I am with you." (the quotes aren't absolutely accurate, but their content is.)

I asked her: "what if you fall in love with some girl? can it happen and will it affect our relationship?" "I don't know" "Is it possible that you'll love some girl more than you currently love me?" "I don't know".

Of course she doesn't know. How can I expect her to know such things? I guess I'm just worried. I'm afraid to wake up one day and realize that she's gone. I need to be aware of all the dangers that threaten our relationship. Can I prevent them all? No, but I'll do my best.

Her happiness is my priority. If she ends up being in love with someone else and she'll be happy with that person, I will let it be. Can I really prevent her from falling in love with someone else? No. The only thing I can do right now is try to keep the flame burning... keep it burning until we meet again.

Despite my anxious questions, she sounded happy when she was talking to me. It made me calm and happy as well. We exchanged I love you's and hung up.

I couldn't help but sending her a "thank you" SMS: "You did it again - your magical voice has penetrated my heart and made me very happy! My Angel, I hope with all of my heart that our relationship will stay this way. My wife, love me forever like I do. O:)"

She makes me so happy everytime I talk to her. We'll chat on Friday.

She replied, saying that she loves me very very much, more than Anna.

True love will prevail! If we really want it, we can make this work!

23rd October, 2004

The view from the observation tower.

Daniel asked me to switch places with him. He's supposed to go on an 8 hour foot patrol today (Saturday) but his parents want to come and visit him. They live far in the south, in Beer-Sheba and can't visit him for too often.

He's one of my best friends here, how could I refuse? I know he'd have done the same for me.

So from now on I'm doing foot patrols and he's guarding in the observation tower. There's only 1 week left anyway...
















Saturday's food's always terrible in my opinion. Hamin.

27th October, 2004

These patrols are really boring. They're 8 hours long. You don't walk around up and down the hills the whole 8 hours. You find a quiet, shaded hidden place to sit down and observe the surroundings. Our commander, Matan, was particularly annoying. He would ask us to report our status every 5 minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep. Sometimes he would throw small stones at us... until he hit one of our teammates (Nitzan) in the brow and left a scar. Annoyed, Nitzan wanted to put Matan on trial, but since Matan didn't do it on purpose, he did not receive any punishment.

I was told that in one of the earlier patrols, Matan, Nitzan and a few others were doing some sort of car raids. They would hide in the forested area of the hill. When a Palestinian car passed by, they would run at it, shouting, with guns pointed at the driver and the passenger, demanding documents and possibly even searching the car for anything illegal. (Who gave them such an order?! Was it Matan's original idea? What a way to spend 8 hours of foot patrol!)

So in one of those raids, Matan ran to the car and pointed his gun at the front window and Nitzan pointed his at the back window. When Nitzan saw a little baby sitting at the back and he realized who he was pointing his gun at, he backed off. I bet he didn't feel good about it...

* * * * *

This morning's patrol was really tough. We had to walk uphill all the way back to the base on foot on a very hot day instead of being picked up by a "safari".

Yesterday we packed most of our stuff and loaded it onto the trucks. This is the last patrol in this place... Another was battery already arrived to replace us. We took a quick shower and waited a few hours until the buses came to take us to our home base in the Golan Heights where we will unpack and go home the day after.

* * * * *

Addition: Idan was an officer of ther first platoon back then. When he got released from the army, he didn't mind his commander-friends revealing this story to everyone...

Officers were on AV patrols most of the time.

AV drivers here were... 2 female soldiers. They're girls who've already finished their military service, but decided to sign a contract and extend their service for a year or so (it's called "Keva" - permanence.)

Many soldiers consider signing a Keva. You're released home more often. You get an average salary and the best hing about it is that you don't spend too much money because you eat and live at the base. I personally never considered Keva, even for a second. Why delay my real life by another year and be tempted to sell my freedom for some extra cash?

Back to the story... These 2 female soldiers were residing at our base in a separate living container. The funny thing is, we only had one showers block. One of the girls had to guard the entrance and make sure no one's entering or peeking whenever one of the girls was taking a shower. One time the girl-guard didn't see Matan entering the showers when our chubby battery's clerk (the third and last girl at the base) was taking a shower. He didn't get to see anything but her naked back...

Anyway, Idan was residing at the officer's & senior commanders room. It was late at night when Sharon, a friend of mine had finished guarding at the entrance gates. He had to unload his weapon in front of a commander. That is the safety procedure. (we're not trusted!) So even though it's night, you have to go and wake up one of the commanders so he could make sure you've safely unloaded the weapon.

Apparently no one was present at the "junior" commanders room so he knocked on the senior commanders' door. Idan was inside at the time... alone and having sex with one of the AV drivers!! An officer was about to get caught doing something extremely illegal on duty! He quickly put his pants on and opened the door, pretending to be sleepy and tired. Lucky for him, Sharon didn't suspect a thing.

28th October, 2004

The whole battalion was taken to Karmiel in 3 buses. It's 3 years since Nir Nahum's death. He was a soldier in my battery. He was killed in a suicide bombing while he was on his way to buy gifts to released soldiers. I didn't know him. I was still in school 3 years ago.

A big howitzer statue was donated by our battalion to commemorate his life. This statue is located in the main park in Karmiel.

After the ceremony was over we were back on the buses, eager to get home. However, word came that Arafat's health deteriorated and IDF decided to halt all units from releasing soldiers home in case Arafat dies. Oddly enough, we found ourselves praying for his health, at least for the weekend, so we could finally get home.

It was 5p.m. on Friday. All buses were about to stop operating. Then they wouldn't be able to release us home because they can't assure that everyone can get home safely.

In the end they've decided that 2 teams who were supposed to be released for 6 days (including my team) are to be released now and the others would wait for updates. After 1 and a half hours they were all released home as well. They told us that if anything happens, they would call us back.

We weren't called back, but we only had 1.5 days to spend time at home. Then we'd get back for... nobody knows how long, especially if Arafat dies...

The conservative, secular me

26th July, 2004

Often during the day, and everytime I go to bed, I keep thinking about my sweet Angel, I keep imagining us together, of how great it's going to be when we finally meet - and it makes me feel so free and peaceful, as if I've achieved everything I ever wished for.

Sometimes my thoughts go where they really shouldn't, and that's when I want to punch myself hard because I hate it. I can't control my thoughts 100% and when I don't, it feels wrong. She's so sweet and innocent, and not the type of girl to imagine yourself having sex with. When I look at her pictures, all I wanna do is hold her and kiss her. I can never dare to (willingly) think about anything sexual when it comes to her, even though she's very sexy in her pictures.

* * * * *

Yesterday, my mother told me she'd been infected from our cat with a disease called "mushroom" (?) She says the Animal Protection Organization sold us a sick cat without warning us.

* * * * *

We played Soccer with the local children today. Some of them came from the neighboring settlement of Adora. An hour later two girls joined the field, sitting, watching us play and talking with each other. When we (the soldiers) finished playing and took a sit, they joined the game with the kids, playing passes and whatever.

One of the girls looked good, and so the three teammates talked about her . Yoav kept looking at her. I wanted to go back to the house but decided to stay and see how they behave. Will they talk to her? How will it all go? Eventually, she was the one who started the conversation with us. (mostly with Udi and Yoav. Or was adding jokes to the conversation. I didn't talk at all.)

Yoav asked her if she could join us on a patrol. She said her parents don't allow her to hang out with soldiers (a smart advice if you ask me, lol) She also said that she leaves to Tiberias or to the Greek island of Kos next week so we won't see her, and that in three weeks from now, she joins the army... for 3 years instead of 2.

Somehow it made me glad, not seeing another girl falling for Yoav's tricks, and refusing to believe that most girls are like most guys - lusting for sex most of the time.

That girl isn't my type, and even if she were, I've already got the best girl in the world!

A while later we left and the three started exchanging impressions: "I would fuck her!" "yeah, me too." And even Or, who has a girlfriend for 3 years now, said he'd fuck her if he could.
He showed me his girlfriend's pictures today. Man, I pity her.
Then Yoav asked each one of us: "Would you fuck her?"
Everyone said "yes" but me. Then everyone looked at me, waiting for my answer.
I said "no".
"So what if you've got a girlfriend? You'd fuck her anyway, wouldn't you?" "No, I wouldn't."
"...and suppose you didn't have a girlfriend?" "Still - I won't."

They just can't understand that I'm different? Their behavior is their business, my behavior is mine. I would never go and sleep with some girl whom I don't know just because she looks good, or just because I can. You know what? Maybe under different circumstances I would, I don't know. But definitely not when I have Angel, a rare treasure I would never want to risk losing.

Maybe if they had been in my place, they would have acted like me. But I find it hard to believe. I cannot imagine them truly falling in love, being satisfied with one single woman. Maybe in 10 years they'll change, but probably not.

On one hand, some part of me envies those guys who get laid 24/7 with dozens or hundreds of different girls, but on the other hand, after finding what seems to be true love - I wouldn't trade that for any kind of pointless, short-termed sex. Perhaps in another life. ;)