Wrong course of action

10th August, 2005

Today I'm 2 years in the army, whohoo!

11th August, 2005

I had a chat with Natalie this evening. Everything is so perfect in our relationship right now. We exchange sweet words and... just when it seemed that things couldn't get better, she asked: "Did you talk to her (Angel)?". My attempts of changing the subject end in failure.

The thing is... We both agreed that we would stop talking to our x's. She would stop talking to Amir and I would stop chatting with Angel.

A week ago she violated the agreement. She talked to Amir. Why? She said he owed her a picture of his half naked body. WTF?! She algo gave him her own photo. When she told me that, I said I'd talk to Angel too, and so I did.

I only asked her "what's new?". She told me that she works in a hotel 11 hours a day, 5 days a week and earns only 300-400 euro per month... that's less than 2 euro per hour! She said it's part of her 3-year long apprenticeship program. It's tough. She doesn't have any time off between school and work, only a few days in July. After telling me that, she had disconnected.

Natalie was upset upon hearing my answer. She started crying and said that I ruined her mood. I regretted telling her that, or perhaps for talking to Angel. I can't lie. Even if the truth really really hurts, it's just wrong no matter how you look at it...

Natalie was so angry at Angel. She said she'd think of a way to make her life miserable. "I have contacts, I have money, I have plans! You'll see how this $#%$ $ $#@@ $# will be burning in hell! I'll make sure she regrets messing with me". Her words were so shocking that I couldn't believe it was her speaking.

Later that night when I was thinking about it all she suddenly called me. "Hello?" "I love you! I love you very very much!!! I really really love you, my dear!"

I was shocked. "wow, ummm... thanks! Listen... could you call me in a couple of minutes? I'm in the toilet right now."

Later she explained her behavior by saying that it's just one of those moods... Unfortunately, I'm afraid it was nothing more that just a temporary burst of feelings that was to go away in a matter of seconds.

12th August, 2005

This morning we had a training exercise with our howitzers. We had a short break when other teams were practicing. That's when Natalie called me all of a sudden.

Natalie: "Hi, I've got a question for you... Who's Rog?" Rog is the ICQ nickname of a friend of mine from high school. I was surprised! "How do you know him?"

Natalie: "I'm in your ICQ. Where is he?"
"What?! How did you get my ICQ list?"
"A friend of mine, Dannie, hacked into it."
She hacked into my ICQ?! WHAT THE?!
"What? How could you?! Do you know my password?"
"Of course I do."
"Really? What is it then?"
"Tell me who is Rog!"
"I'm not telling you until you tell me my password!"
"I don't know it, he just hacked into your ICQ with some program and I took (Angel)'s detalis."

I couldn't believe it! Is this the girl I've been dating for the last 4 months?! One day she's an angel, the other day she's a devil?!

How could she invade my privacy like that? How could she lie to me about the password?

I was angry at her. I told her she mustn't dare hurting Angel. Upon hearing me protecting Angel like that, she became angry and was deeply hurt. Then I told her that it's not personal, that I'd have done the same thing if anyone threatened her (Natalie).

Even if I love her, I can't see my girlfriend turning into a demon, being consumed by hatred and desire for revenge.

I warned Angel of Natalie's possible intentions. I'm sorry that it had come to this.

Natalie later told me how she cried the whole day. People kept asking her if she had an allergy, because her eyes were all watery, they didn't see her cry, so they thought it was an allergy.

At work, she yelled at her employer and his kids after being upset for the whole day.

At noon, Natalie asked me to come online. I opened the ICQ page on my cellphone but she wasn't on. Angel was online, though.

Angel was the first to write me a message. It looked suspicious, because she never writes me first. I didn't buy it! I thought it was Natalie pretending to be Angel. "Natalie, I can't believe you'd do that! It's not funny."

A minute later Natalie was online and Angel replied to me in a way that I clearly recognized her. I was wrong!

Angel said Natalie requested her permission to be added to her contact list, but Angel ignored it. She also said that she's in "invisible" mode so that Natalie can't see her online. "I'll be the first to write you, from now on. ;)" Angel wrote.

Natalie's employer harassed her again. He offered to please her sexually, saying some nasty things that a 15 year old girl wouldn't want to hear from a 40 year old man, who's not only married with kids but is also her boss at the moment.

Shachar: "You know what I think?"
Natalie: "No, I don't care what youthink."
Shachar: "You want me to tell you?"
Natalie: "No, I don't!!"
Shachar: "Why?"
Natalie: "Because I don't wanna talk about such things with you, do you understand?"

By the evening we became friends again. She was sorry for invading my privacy.

As I was lying in my bed, I imagined Angel and felt something deep in my heart. However, when I imagined Natalie in my mind, I barely felt a thing. I don't know why...

Maybe it's because I miss Angel a lot. Or is it because she's the one I truly love? What if I were in the opposite situation - being with Natalie for 2 years and dating Angel for 4 months. Would I feel more for Natalie then?

Natalie says she loves me very much... that she'll be willing to take any rational or irrational action to make sure that I stay with her and keep loving her. "Why can't you compromise everything that you have for the sake of our relationship? It means that you don't love me enough. If you protect this $#*@ (she refers to Angel) it only proves that you have feelings for her."

Maybe I do, but I love YOU, Natalie. Yet, the things that you do make me love you much less. These actions of revenge, of hatred reveal your negative side. If you want me to stay with you, you should know that your current actions only give the opposite result.

My best friend Daniel wanted to add a post of his own to my diary. I don't let him or anyone else read my diary, but if they want to share their thoughts then are welcome to write too.

(Untouched. Only added some commas and censored the names.)
"This entry is filled with contents by... Me! (Daniel). Basically I asked IsraeliDiary to write in it, so here goes..

Anyway, today consisted of a few main activities. I drove the cannon today to our alternative firing spot. It was fun as usual, since I hate driving, but I heard that our crewmen got hit by falling, non-secured projectiles because I got reckless with my driving.

After the training was behind us, IsraeliDiary told me that Natalie had cut her wrist veins just for the fun of it. Yes, I was shocked at the moment, but he said that something similar happened a while ago and I wondered if this girl is normal.

I suddenly realize that my handwriting is ugly and I'll make an effort to write nice on the next phrases.

I don't know about IsraeliDiary, but I think he should have told Natalie that it hurts him too, to hear that his girlfriend is doing insane actions on herself. I hope she will understand that this sort of things kick the shit out of him and if I'm worried about her, I can't imagine what IsraeliDiary feels.

But f**k it. I don't need to get in their affairs. It's their business and f**k it even if she jumps off the Azrieli towers.

At afterdark, we went to play some soccer and usually we lost (because of me, duhhh) but we did win once and we had the spirit. It was nice but I still prefer ping-pong, where I won already two players. (I still s**k, but luckily I beat them: IsraeliDiary is easy prey, but Drori is my league. I'll practice on him more.

The guitar is proceeding slowly and everything quiet at home so this is me signing off...

Goodbye cruel world!!! Nah... never mind, good night."

(I don't remember what day it happened but...)
Natalie had cut her wrist and accidentally cut her vein along with it. The blood wouldn't stop flowing and I was about to panic! I quickly ran to our medic and asked for advice. Eventually, she poured some alcohol on the injury and covered it with a plaster, the bleeding stopped.

Why did she cut herself? Her explanation was simple: She just felt like doing it. She used to cut herself before too, but I hoped that she'd stopped. This isn't normal! For whatever reasons she did that, it must never happen again.

Fine moments that bring us closer together

24th July, 2005


I was sitting in my room when Michael, my officer, entered and called me out for a talk. He told me I was chosen to represent our battery in an interview tomorrow by the Russian-Israeli television NTV. They'll interview our battery commander and a few other soldiers as well.

I called my family and friends and notified them about it.

25th July, 2005

The interview has been eventually cancelled.

I talked to Angel today. I missed her so much!

I told her about everything, including how I feel for her and about Natalie's demand that we stop communicating. She said I could either talk to her in secret, without letting Natalie know, or we could do as she says.

"If I don't be with Natalie in a year from now, would you want us to be together?" "Yes, I do."

No, I don't intend to break up with Natalie, I'm just considering all the possibilities here.

After this conversation I realized that I can't just walk away from Angel. Natalie didn't want to hear about it... "It's either me or her!" After a while we reached an agreement: I explained her of the situation, meaning I can't give Angel up unless I have a guarantee that we'll be together until the end. If we keep fighting like that and I leave Angel, I'll end up losing you both.

I told her she should go to northern Tel Aviv and meet those rich guys that Shachar was talking about, to find out what she really wants. I agreed to stop communication with Angel in case she agrees to go with it until the end.

29th July, 2005

Angel showed up online. I didn't talk to her. She didn't start talking to me either.
Meanwhile, my relationship with Natalie was improving...

1st August, 2005

Natalie doesn't feel anything for Amir anymore. Today he's coming over to her place for a few hours. She says she loves me very very much and promises that she would restrain herself around Amir.

Fine, let them meet...

The result is... They sat in her room for a while and chatted. There was one moment that their lips met, but then she thought of me and pushed him away. Afterwards, they visited the Azrieli towers. In a deserted corridor leading to the restrooms they stood, facing each other.

Amir: "Can I kiss you."
Natalie: "I don't know." (?!)
Amir: "Well... can I?"

She explained this by saying the she didn't want to upset him by saying "no". Instead, she leaned ahead and kissed him lightly on the lips, smiling. It seems she still has some feelings for him, but clearly less.

3rd August, 2005

She arrived to my place, meeting me downstairs. "Where's the warm hug that I so greatly deserve?" I hugged her from behind, kissing her cheeks, the sweet sensation, the smell of her hair, feelings that I can't really describe.

5th August, 2005

We agreed to meet at her place this morning at 10:30am, then take our bikes and travel around Tel Aviv, crossing the whole Ha-Yarkon park and proceeding down to the beach.

I was getting late. Arrived at 10:50am to her place, only to find out that she hadn't even woke up. It took her a looong time to get ready. Girls...

At 12:30pm we set out on a long journey. Riding the bycicle with her was a lot of fun. The windy weather and the beautiful park have only contributed to the wonderful atmosphere.

In the middle of the park there's a small lake where boats can be rented. It was a great idea of hers. We took a boat and spent an hour at the lake. The sun was setting. It was so quiet and peaceful.

"In 30 years from now, you'd come here to this very place and see that nothing here has changed. But at the same time, nothing would be the same as before. The leaves, falling from the trees would remind you of your youth, times that you cannot bring back, great times. You would shed a tear, wishing you could experience it all again. So enjoy it now as much as possible."

That wasn't very encouraging, but she remembered those words...

We proceeded to the beach heading far into the south, until we've reached the mall on Allenby st. next to the fountains. We went up to the top floor and ordered food in a restaurant-bar the name of which I couldn't qutie recall. The food was awful. It came in small quantities in contrast to its price.

On our way back home, we saw a lot of police cars patrolling around. Natalie said it's because of a high drug-sale activity in this area. She used to volunteer in the national guard a year ago, that's how she knows it. Her brother volunteers in the police.

She says he worked in Jaffo - a part of southern Tel Aviv, inhabited mostly by Israeli Arabs. I told her about the cops I met in roadblocks. She says her brother is no less racist than them. Great! Dad's a stalinist, mom's his executive dictator and her brother is a racist cop. Hmm... If I marry her one day, that will be my family? *chills* Poor Natalie... :(

6th August, 2005

My dad booked a room in the hotel "Sun" in Bat Yam for me and Natalie. We took a cab over there at 12pm. The hotel looked very nice.

I approached the reception desk and asked for the key registered on my name. The receptionist looked for it and didn't find any rooms booked on my name. I called my dad and he talked to the woman at the desk. It turns out he booked a room from a different receptionist who worked here yesterday. After 2 minutes of hearing him yelling at her, she opened a drawer and found it.

I pitied the woman. Judging by the look on her pale face, this call had ruined her day. :(

She gave me 2 keys - room 301 and 404, to choose which one would be more suitable for us. Room 512, which was originally booked for us has already been taken by someone else. It's alright, mistakes happen.

Room 301 faced the swimming pool and the sea. The other one faced a deserted tennis and soccer courts and a big pile of garbage, just outside the hotel.

We really had a great time together. We ate at a Japenese-Chinese restaurant. The food was great. This time the meal was big enough to feed 4 people and the price was the same.

The waiter that served us was a cute Russian 20+ girl who reminded me of Lena, my step-cousin. I gave her a relatively big tip - 20NIS. But that's not only because she was cute, I just didn't have any coins. =)

The swimming pool closed down at 7pm, so we went to the sea instead. The water wasn't cold. It looked like it was Natalie's first swimming experience. She seeked refuge in my arms with every incoming wave. She screamed often, but in overall I think she enjoyed swimming with me.

We layed down on the sand, watching the sun sink in the horizon, painting the sky in pink and red.

We kissed. She told me how much she enjoys spending time with me. She wanted to spend the night here with me, since we have to be checked out tomorrow morning, but her parents had forbid her.

The sun was setting down fast, as they were arguing and shouting over the phone. She hung up several times, unable to listen to her parents much longer. For the next 10 minutes she was crying and there was nothing I could to help. It was only later that I was able to comfort her and help her deal with whatever her parents had said.

Her mother wanted to speak to me. She said that she wants to see her daughter back home by 10pm, that I'm in charge and therefore I shouldn't surrender to Natalie's pleads, that our stay wasn't planned to extend until tomorrow morning and that we're not a married couple to do such things. (Are you kidding me? I have to be married in order to her to spend a night with her alone?!)

It would have been pointless arguing with her.

My dad picked us up at 9pm and brought us to her place. I'd been thinking about her on my way home.

I love her so much. It's been so great together...

7th August, 2005

We spent some time at my place. After her work, we'd met at the entrance to the mall in Givataim. I was late, but to my surprise she wasn't mad at me. It's usually easy to upset her.

We went to the cinema and watched "Sky high", it was an average movie. I walked her home and it was time for us to part. Tomorrow I'm back in the army again.

It was hard. She didn't want to get inside the elevator. I held her tight and when I started leaving, I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes. I couldn't go... I ran back and held her tighter, kissing her passionately. Tears were now all over our faces. It was getting even more difficult for us to part.

I had to let her go... for now.

She entered the elevator. The time slowed down... We were looking at each other as the door slowly closed down between us.

A single moment later I felt a wave of melancholy surge through my body. I felt pain in my chest. Why is it so hard to part? The thought of not seeing her again for 16 days... My eyes were becoming watery.

Natalie!!! I don't wanna fight with you anymore.

Is it always up to me? Can I control it?