Welcome to the Northern border

28th June, 2005

If only I knew how hard this day was going to be, I'd have wished that I didn't wake up.

7:00-9:00 - Morning duties - Base cleaning? Not good enough. Punishment: Repeat at 12am.
10:00-13:00 - Guarding at the bunker.
13:00-13:30 - Lunch break.
13:30 - 17:45 - Reforming the whole base - moving stuff from one place to another, weeding, general cleaning and doing other things in preparation for the incoming VIPs. Minister of defense Shaul Mofaz, major general Dan Halutz and major general Benny Gantz.

Working in this heat made us very tired.

The press came - channels 10, 11 and 22, newspaper and radio journalists. Supervised by security officers, the military chiefs entered our briefing hall.

Each one of them spoke to us on his turn. They've said that we are currently the primary force in the northern border, the first to respond to Hezbollah's attacks in this region. Benny Gantz said that it is likely that we will engage in artillery fire during our stay here, and that the enemy may fire back on us. Mofaz said that he counts on us, that we look like good soldiers and an excellent regiment. During the upcoming Gaza strip's disengagement, it is most probable that Hezbollah would attempt to escalate the tensions in the northern border.
















After the speechs they've asked us some questions. Then we had the opportunity to ask them.

One of my friends had asked Shaul Mofaz something about IDF's intel, giving him precise numbers and detailed explanation. Shaul Mofaz was quite impressed. He said that even he didn't know these details and then he offered my friend to become an officer. My friend thanked him but rejected the offer.

Benny gave us a few minutes to make a run to our howitzers and get ready to fire. Although we were located on the northern border, we could still turn our cannons 180 degrees and fire at military training fields in Israel.

On Benny's signal, we all took our m16's and ran as fast as we could. The 3 VIPs, accompanied by the press came by to watch us in action.

After a short whlie, they all left. Not an hour later, we were informed that there was some shooting at the northern border, in a base located on mount Hermon.

On the next hour we received an update - it was 2 soldiers who fired at the shooting range without proper orders and without informing anybody. False alarm...






























It was around 8:30pm when we were called to the dining room for dinner. Filling my dish with fresh food, there was no better time for us to have some rest and eat some quality food.

As I was looking for a free table to sit, a loud voice announced: "Red alert! Red alert!"

There was a split-second that dozens of soldiers, sitting at the dining room were literally frozen in their seats. Then, everyone suddenly jumped up and started running out of the dining room as fast as they could. Food was flying in the air, chairs were being thrown down, causing some guys to stumble. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before!

(the exact words weren't really "Red alert" as you might guess, but it doesn't matter)

We were all in our howitzers ready for orders. Within the next minute, we were informed why we were here. A group of 5 armed subjects have crossed the blue line (the Israeli-Lebanese border) and are very close to one of Israel's forward-most bases. Special forces have set an ambush and were waiting for them to come.

We were sitting in our howitzers until 12:20am. Then some of the teams were released to their rooms, whle others stayed inside the vehicles in full military readiness.

While still wearing military uniform and boots, they had to sleep either next to the vehicles, or inside them. Dinner was brought outside - it was nothing but a chocolate drink "shoko" and 2 slices of watermelon for each one. The rest of the food was thrown away. Why?!

I went to my room and fell asleep... but 20 minutes later, one of the soldiers woke me up and told me that it was my turn to guard, from 1am until 4am. Thanks to the internet on my cellphone, I didn't fall asleep. After over 1.8 years in the army, I was no longer supposed to guard at night, but talking to the sergeant in charge didn't help. He said there weren't enough soldiers, that those who are in their vehicles could not guard.

At 4:30 I could finally asleep... until 6am. Matan woke us up and told us to come to our howitzer to sleep there. It was our turn to be in readiness. As much as I was tired, lying down on rocks in the light of the rising sun, I couldn't fall asleep.

29th June, 2005

A massive demonstration was about to take place in Israel. Thousands of settlers and their supporters would go out in the streets and block the roads. Some of our soldiers support the settlers, but as soldiers we are taught to put politics aside. We can discuss it with each other (not in public), but in the end we have to follow orders.

2 teams were going to be released home today. They all dressed up in their A-type uniforms, when the alarm sounded again. Everyone ran to their vehicles. We received a report that Hezbollah has attacked a base on mount Dov. My team was the first to be ready. We fired 4 shells for ranging calculations. The rest of the teams joined us later and fired shells on different targets across mount Dov.

The excitement was huge. A few cars with reporters and cameramen have gathered behind our base on the road uphill.

The 2 teams who were supposed to go home today had to forget about it. The bus didn't arrive at all.

They joined us, carrying shells and preparing the ammunition while still wearing their clean A-type uniforms.
















Smoke was rising all over mount Dov. Hezbollah's mortar fire was quite massive. We could hear mortars falling non-stop one after the other. There were quiet moments sometimes, but most of the time the fighting was intense.

As a navigator, I was partially in charge of our howitzer's accuracy. It was tense, but fun nevertheless. The other teams fired most of the shells.

When we didn't have a firing objective, I opened up the news page on my cellphone and saw a picture of us firing. News travels fast, huh?































We saw a smoke rising near the city of Kiryat Shmona. All its citizens were asked to enter bombing shelters. In the end, it was a rocket that accidentally fell from an Israeli jet.

An hour later, IDF's special forces have located a Hezbollah's squad of militants who were on their way to infiltrate an Israeli base (to kill and kidnap soldiers). They opened fire on them. The militants returned fire and injured one of the soldiers. It was a doctor. As he was bleeding, he instructed the others how to treat him.

My team fired 3 smoke shells to cover their retreat. They were successfully evacuated by a helicopter. We could see a giant smoke rising up on top of the mountain. It had the form of a mushroom. This was photographed by reporters and was all over the newspapers the following day. They also showed us on the news the same evening. Everybody'd call their friends and family to turn on the TV and watch news.

Hezbollah had inflicted a direct hit on one of Israeli front bases. As a result, 1 soldier was killed and 2 others were lightly wounded. The Israeli air force bombed various Hezbollah targets in Lebanon - that's what the newspapers reported, barely mentioning us, the artillery.

By 9:30pm we were free to go and get some rest. I called Natalie. I informed her earlier that I was going to be on the news, but her brother didn't let her watch TV. She gets so upset because of her family and told me her parents always enslave her, yell at her and tell her how useless and stupid she is. They even said that they regret that she was ever born! How could normal parents say such things?! I can't believe this!

"What's the point of living? perhaps there's a better life for me on the other side. Nobody needs me. I can easily commit a suicide and end it all. I didn't fear cutting myself, I once even cut myself very close to he vein."

I told her that I really need her, that she's important to me and many other people. I know, nothing is compared to the love of a family. Everybody should have loving parents. Parents who don't love their children, don't deserve to have any children in the first place. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for children whose parents don't show them any love. It is ten times worse if parents tell their children they hate them and regret they were ever born.

Natalie deserves so much more than that. I wish there was something I could do for her. But apart from supporting her, being there and listening to her, I cannot do much. I can't interfere in their family problems.

But I can't keep seeing her like this, being torn apart, listening to her hopeless, pain-bearing voice and unable to do anything about it. At these moments, I'm willing to give up anything just to see her happy, to make all of her problems disappear.

I know that when I finish the army, everything is going to be so much better.

She says she doesn't commit suicide because of me. Angel once said the same.

I could hear her father in the background yelling at her... then he snatched the phone and hung up!

I called her again later. She kept telling me about all the terrible things her mother had said to her. How her brother once hit her in the stomach and that her dad thinks she's a failure. Could it be that she exaggerates? Maybe she's just having a bad mood and feels like the whole world hates her?

Is it possible that you misinterpret your folks? That was stupid of me to ask. Instead of supporting her, I'm being objective on this? She wanted to tell me some things, but changed her mind. She said she'd tell such things to Amir because he could really hear her out, support and comfort her, unlike me. Sigh. She had to go. She hung up.

It really hurt me to hear her say that. I can't make her happy whenever she's down, but Amir can?

I agree that there should always be a good friend to whom you could tell everything, someone who will always support you no matter what, but I also think that there should be no secrets or unknown details between two people who love each other. Hiding information from each other eventually form a base of misunderstandings and conflicts of various kinds.

We should be like one soul, aware of each other's joy and pain.

"Don't you ever hesitate to hurt me and tell me the whole truth, for it would hurt much more if you do"

12:30am - We went to bed after finishing some work on our howitzers.
2:30am - We were called up again. Special forces have set up an ambush. We had to be in full readiness and back them up, provide some cover if needed.
4:10am - We were released to bed.
6am - We were called up again to stay and sleep near the howitzers.
7:00am - Guarding duties.
8:30am - Military readiness, again.
10am - Special forces saw 2 gunmen approach them. They opened fire and hit one of them.

2nd July, 2005

Lucky for us, things have calmed down by Firday. On Saturday, we finally had some rest. I watched some movies, slept well at night and had a talk with Natalie.

She's so sweet! With each passing day I miss her more and more. It's so pleasant to hear her angelic voice, to hear her giggle.

Our relationship seems to be so perfect, yet there's always something that ruins it. The first incident was with Amir, her x-boyfriend. She met him and they've kissed... for a second. The 2nd incident was not less disturbing - Vadim is just some guy Natalie's been chatting with. One time they turned their webcams on and he started to masturbate in front of the camera. He asked her to take off her shirt to turn him on and she did. There was a bra underneath, but still! Not only did she watch him with interest, but she had also partially cooperated with him.

This has got to stop. It hurts me too much. She's always close to cheating on me, but I know that she wouldn't do something like that, would she?

Even if I feel like I'm madly in love with her, even if I'd love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life, I still can't live with betrayal.

I don't think that she could cheat on me, but I can't be sure. I'm afraid to be wrong.

I need her to reassure me, to promise me that it'll never happen. Natalie, my sweetheart, please...

Angel's left me to enjoy the freedom in the remaining 1.6 years in the army, to meet other girls and experience diffrent things in life. She'd also considered breaking up with me in that way. Perhaps it's the best way to break up with somebody in a long distance relationship without really hurting him too much... by doing it gradually.

She says she misses me, that she enjoys talking to me. I'm her best friend. She's mine too. It shouldn't be this way.. Natalie should be my best friend, and I'm hers.

I hope that we'll make a perfect couple one day. I don't give up her so easily. She's a potential human perfection.

Until we meet again

10th June, 2005

Natalie told me a story about Amir... They've made a bet. She told him he can't kiss a guy so he's decided to prove otherwise.

He met a gay guy somewhere in Arad and so he invited him on a date. They went to the cinema and after the movie was over they walked to his house and... they kissed and gave oral sex to each other. He told her they'd done everything except sex and that he's not even gay.

Yeah, sure he's not... like, any guy would do something like that, right? No!

12th June, 2005

Natalie works as a babysitter for one Israeli family near Weitzman st. in Givataim. The guy is over 40, he has a disabled wife and two 4-6 year old kids. Natalie comes over when they ask her to, whenever the parents wanna get some time away from their kids. But this is not the whole story... The thing is, this 40+ y.o. guy buys her presents, gives her tickets with special discounts... and he touches her whenever he drives her home, telling her about how sad and pathetic his life is. It really disgusts her, but she feels sorry for him and she really needs this work.

"He mustn't dare touching you. You should tell him to stop, and if he ever touches you again despite your warning it's sexual harassment. You go to the police and they would take care of it."

Is he going to try anything? She knows where he lives. She's 15. He could be put in jail for a long term...

Today Natalie had to go to work for 2 hours. "Will you wait for me? I'll do everything in 2 hours tops and then we could hang around some more."

Sure, why not? I pedaled my bike around the city, stopping for a drink. Then I decided to buy her a bouquet of roses. But since we were going to my place after she finishes work, I bought her a single rose so she wouldn't have to carry a whole bouquet throughout the city. I'll buy her a bouquet next time.

I wanted to surprise her... She will call up the elevator and when the doors open, I will be standing there, with a rose in my outstreched hand...

I was standing inside the elevator when someone pressed the button. 1st floor... 2nd floor... A stop! Wrong floor! I hid the rose behind my back. The door opened and a guy came in. He was probably surprised to see me standing in an elevator that just came up and was going back down. "You're going down?" he asked me. "Yes"

I decided to be smarter this time... She's on the 4th floor. If she comes out of the apartment I'll be able to hear it if I stand on the stairs and listen carefully.

I heard some noise, but before I could tell which floor it was coming from, the elevator closed and started to go up... to the 4th floor! Shit! I missed the opportunity!

Thinking fast, I thought it'd still be surprising if I go up to the first floor and call the elevator. She wouldn't expect to see me on the first floor, right?

I ran upstairs and pressed the button. The elevator door opened... I was about to give her the rose, but then I quickly hid it when I saw a woman standing there instead, holding a flowerpot in her hands. She thought it was the ground floor and almost went out of the elevator. I almost gave her the rose. I probably looked odd smiling at her, almost laughing there. I couldn't help it! I somehow entered the elevator and turned around without her seeing the rose. I didn't want myself to look even more odd...

The third time it had to be it. I was standing in the elevator. It went up to the 4th floor. The door opened and there she stood. She wasn't that surprised to see me... but when I gave her the rose, she literally melted. We hugged and kissed. Mission accomplished.

We arrived at my place and spent some good time together.

I had a chat with Angel. I told her everything about Natalie. She didn't get hurt. The opposite, she is happy for me and encourages me to keep it that way. She says she misses me and very often wishes that I was there with her. She also says that I'm the only person that really cares about her and that she'll always love me, even if it's just a little bit. Oh Angel... you'll always be a very special friend of mine...

13th June, 2005

We went to the beach tonight. It was so romantic walking in the sand together, feeling the breeze, holding hands and kissing. 2 days ago we did the same, only that we had very little time. Her mom is very strict. She never lets her hang out after 10pm. That means that we have to get going as early as 9:30pm, so 2 days ago we only had 1 hour at the beach.

After standing for an hour in Yotvata (there were no seats left!) and running after the damn waitresses so they could finally care enough to take our order and give us our drinks, we walked to the beach again.

A homeless guy asked me for money. I gave him 5 shekels. Later Natalie saw a guy selling roses. She said she wanted one. Then the guy came up to us and asked me if SHE wants a rose. That's their strategy, to make guys uncomfortable around their girlfriends and force them into buying a rose. "Sure, how much?" "20" For one rose?! At the store I bought it for 6 and he was now asking for 20. I looked inside my wallet, it looked like I didn't have enough.

She wasn't upset that I didn't buy her a rose, the opposite, she thought it wasn't worth the money.

We had great time at the beach and hard time parting.

I can't believe her parents. They're really annoying! They tell her to do things that they could easily do by themselves. She has to come home and do it whenever they tell her to. They use her! Her older brother does much less! She has to clean up after him. Her dad thinks that since she's the youngest in the family and since she's a female, she has to do all the work and start to get used to it!

What the?! She's nobody's slave!

She told me her parents plan to leave her here in Israel and go back to Moscow once she turns 18. Her dad and their relatives have an illegal business there of selling human organs. Natalie lived most of her live in Israel. She grew up here and she doesn't want to go back to Moscow. I'll gladly become her new family. =) But it's a long time until she turns 18...

24th June, 2005

Me and Natalie were spending time in the Azrieli towers. We ascended to the top, 49th floor of the building to enjoy the beautiful view of Tel-Aviv, when her mother called her and asked her to come home at once.

"to do what?" I asked in a slightly disappointed tone.
"to clean up the toilet" !!!

As if it can't wait! Her parents really freak me out... and there's nothing I can do about it. She's no less upset about it than I am. Besides, she's the one who has to live with them and bear it every single day.. and they never give her a break. Never.

Now I'm waiting downstairs... 40 minutes... Until she finishes cleaning up the toilet. They probably gave her some additional tasks. Her folks don't care that I'm waiting for her outside. I don't wanna be there and witness her being enslaved and humiliated. I've already heard them scream at her once. They give me the chills.

A woman has entered the building. She saw me sitting on the floor and writing this. She said it's not normal and asked me not to sit her like that again. She thought I was doing homework.

When Natalie finally came back, she was holding a stock of ads in her hands.
"What is that?" Another task that her folks have given her.

They wanna rent their parking spot. We were walking around the neighborhood, sticking ads. After 20 minutes she was sick of it. She threw them all away.

We took our bikes and headed to my place. Unfortunately, Natalie fell off the bike not far away from her home. She injured her knee and her elbow. It started bleeding so we hurried back to her place. So here I am again... sitting at the entrance, waiting for her to come down again after she treats her injuries and changes her clothes.

It's definitely not one of my best days. The same for her. *sigh*

Funny, isn't it? How great times sometimes seem to be so bad. I have a great girlfriend, we spend good time together. What can be better than that? I should really appreciate it!

We ate pizza and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the cinema. When we were back, we took a sit in the park beside her house.

I had 2 more days to spend with her before I go back to the army again. The artillery training is now over. We are being sent to the northern border on Monday. I don't know when I'll be back home again. It might even be 2-3 weeks.

She told me she has a lot of work on Sunday. I asked her to postpone her work to the evening, but she refused. She didn't want to disappoint her employer. I was upset - I was only going to see her until 2pm. She got upset too. She started crying. I hugged her and wiped her tears. "Everybody wants something from me. Everyday I have to give all of my time away, whether it's my parents telling me to do this and do that, whether it's Shachar (her employer) who asks me to come to work whenever he wants..." and sometimes it's me asking her to spend more time with me. "I don't even have time for myself, to read a book or watch TV." I couldn't believe I made her cry! It's the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I ever wanted. Nobody deserves her tears! She deserves so much more... :(

I feel that I love her and care about her so much, I want her to smile again and forget the very meaning of crying. I walked her home. We hugged and kissed. I told her I'll always be by her side. Even when I'm not around, my spirit will always be around whenever she needs me. I'll always support her and help her in any way that I can.

She walked towards the elevator and I walked out of the entrance door. As the door closed behind me, the time suddenly froze. I turned around to look at her once more and so did she... and although we've already said goodbye, at that exact moment there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat so fast, making me breathless. I ran back, entered the door code, opened it and ran as fast as I could, reaching out for her and holding her desprately in my arms. I kissed her passionately, perhaps a little too passionately because she banged her head on the wall. It was really funny.

That moment was so unforgettable. She told it to her dad, her dad told it to her grandma and her grandma then came to her later on and asked her absolutely seriously: what kind of boyfriend do you have that hits you like that, that bangs your head against the wall?

Geez, is all her family like that?

25th June, 2005

It's Saturday. We woke up early in the morning so we could go and spend some time at the beach before it gets too hot. I was at her neighborhood at 7am, waiting for her at the designated place.

7:10... 7:20... 7:30... where is she?! I headed up to her place and saw her and her mother come out of the elevator. She's always late because her parents ask her to do things all the time.

We were pedaling throughout the city on our way to the beach. Lucky we weren't that far from her home when I found out she didn't bring her swimsuit. She thought we weren't going to the beach after all. Sigh. Never mind. I can never ever be mad at her, no matter what she might do.

Driving around the city was fun. We found ourselves a nice shaded spot down at the beach. She didn't wanna go in the water because of her knee injury so we layed there on the beach and made out. After a short while I told her we should better stop, because people might be looking at us, but she assured me that there was no one who was paying attention to us.

After a while, when I was lying on top of her and kissing her, I could hear some old ladies mumbling: "look what they're doing in a public beach!" "shameless youth!" "if she were my niece, I would have choked her to death!" (Geez!) "Georgians would have stoned her for that kind of behavior!" "now she'll start stripping her clothes!" "there are more decent place for such things"

The old ladies wouldn't stop talking. They were right beside us and they didn't care if we heard them. In the end they asked us to stop. Ah, the hell with that!

Okay okay, I know that making out in the middle of a public beach isn't exactly appropriate, but it was, I'd say, quite a modest make-out. Besides, there are more polite ways to ask people not to do something.

They simply forgot what kind of things they were doing 50-60 years ago...

We went away, taking a walk across the beach. After eating at Burger Ranch, we headed to my place.

Some time later, her mother called her, asking her to watch a TV program about young teenagers who got pregnant. So we sat in the hall and watched it.

There was a 13 year old girl who has agreed to give away her already-born child to be raised by her mother. One girl was raped by her grandfather when she was 6. The odd thing about this, is that she got pregnant and the child died in the womb after a few weeks. The girl still doesn't know what exactly had happened to her. She cannot comprehend it.

Then the neglecting 'fathers' were interviewed. One kid said: "I don't wanna be a father. I have a future. A college to attend. What happened there is in the past now. She had pretty eyes, that I can tell."

It reminded me of what Natalie once told me... She said she met a guy named Oleg who had sex with a drunk girl and made her pregnant. She was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything and he didn't bother telling her about the incident because he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for that child.

This is so brutal! Irresponsible.

If I ever get Natalie pregnant, I'll take full responsibility for it. How can one ruin a girl's life like that? And it's not only a girl's life but a child's too...

Speaking of children. Me and Natalie have already thought about how we're gonna name our future children. Of course that's just out of fun. We don't plan to have any at least for the next... 5 years.

So children, if you read this, please don't be mad at us if we eventually named you differently or if you don't like those names, but here they are: Michelle, Chris, Lynn and Robin. Yeah, those are international names, because we both think you should live and grow up in a better place, or at least a more cultured one.

26th June, 2005

The sad feeling of an inevitable ending of this vacation grew stronger with each passing minute. Soldiers were walking around everywhere I looked. Argh.

I have one more day to spend time with her. I might as well do my best to enjoy it to the max.

We spent some time together until 2pm. Then we met again at 7pm in Wolfson park. There, sitting uphill we watched the sunset and kissed. After that we came to my place and the time just wouldn't slow down! At 1opm we had to part. We were standing on the road, waiting for her taxi. She'd begged me to stay and not go to the army. She was almost crying. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't stop holding her... I didn't want it to end again. But it had to be done eventually.

The taxi has arrived, but it was kind enough to wait until we finished kissing for one last time.. until we meet again.

When the cab left, she turned around and kept looking at me until I was out of sight. I stood there and looked back at her, watching her divine presence slowly fading away. I kept standing there for another minute. My eyes were wet from tears.

Till next time, my love. Until we meet again.

Making the right decision

13th April, 2005

We had a date today. She looks even better in life than on those pictures she sent me. She said the opposite about me, lol. But it doesn't matter, because within an hour it was obvious that she likes me.

She must be the prettiest girl that I've dated so far. Unfortunately, it reflects on her character. She knows that she's pretty. Complementing her usually triggers the same reaction: "gosh, you're like the 100th guy that tells me that!"

Putting that aside, she is an adorable dark-green eyed brunette, reminding me a bit of Katie Holmes.

At some point on our first date we were sitting at her place in the hall, watching TV together. This was it. Goodbye Angel. I kissed her lips... Within no time, we became a couple.


* * * * * The next 10 weeks were all about battery reorganization and intensive artillery training. In June, we were scheduled to be sent to the Lebanese border to the most active artillery base in Israel - The first to response to Hezbollah's attacks in that region. We had to do our best, especially when all the high-ranking officers came to watch us demonstrate our capabilities of accuracy and professionalism.

The best thing about those 10 weeks was that we were released home almost every weekend. I spent most of my free time with Natalie, and I don't think I could've spent it better than that!

But on the other hand, I barely had any time for myself, my family and friends, and there were times I was glad to stay home instead of dating her, even though dating her has always been the best option.

I told her about Angel and she told me about her x-boyfriend, Amir. He was her first love. He broke up with her a month before we met, telling her she was too perfect for him.

What a coincidence - he lives in Arad where I spent 10 years of my childhood. Strangely enough, even though he's my age and we've lived in the same town for 10 years, I've never met the guy.

She really hated it that a guy dared to broke up with her, but a part of her still loved him or so it seemed. And a part of me still loved Angel.

Natalie was obviously concerned by that. I wasn't ready to give up on Angel completely, but Natalie didn't want to be some temporary girlfriend of mine. She was right. I needed more time to make that decision...

28th May, 2005

This week's been the greatest, ever! Our regiment had a 3-day vacation in Eilat. Everyone had a great time there, except maybe for those who got drunk and were back in the hotel after the deadline - they were sent straight to our home base in the Golan Heights. What a long trip that was for them. Lol.

Today me and Natalie spent some time at my father's place in Ashqelon. He rents a room right next to the beach. Actually, he lends it to 2 guys who pay him the rent, but today he's arranged the flat for me and Natalie. The 2 guys had to go for some business.

Finally, after over a month, we were about to have some real privacy for the first time...

We've had great time together, at least until one of the guys suddenly returned. He returned at the worst timing ever! But we were careful enough to have the door locked. Although the guy was paying the rent and had the full rights to stay at his apartment, we'd hoped he would be tactful enough to leave within a few minutes. But he decided to stay... Instead of waiting for him to leave, me and Natalie went to to the swimming pool. When we came back, he was dozing off in the bedroom! Argh!

We locked ourselves up in the bathroom, trying to get some privacy there, but then the guy woke up and tried to get inside!! Argh!

9th June, 2005

While I was in the army, Amir, her x-boyfriend, visited her. At first, she was with her friend Alina, but when Alina left, the two of them found themselves alone in her flat. Unable to fight her temptations, she came closer to him, as close as one could... and then their lips touched. They kissed.

Amir told her he doesn't want her to cheat on me, that it wouldn't be fair. So they stopped.

On the following day I was notified about this and I couldn't help but feeling hurt. When I met her at the same day, she started talking about him. She wanted to tell me how she feels, even though she felt bad about it. She says she still likes him and thinks about him often. When she's with him, she completely forgets about my existence and she can't help it. According to her, Amir is a non-separable part of her life.

It's only so because she still has feelings for him. It's either me or him, she must make a choice.

Later that day when I was at her place, she'd hidden her ICQ conversation with Amir and told me I wasn't allowed to read it.

When she was called to eat dinner, I couldn't fight my curiosity. I found him in her contact list and opened up the history log.

Yesterday's chat:
Natalie: "It was so emotionless what we did today, the next time I expect more of you."
Amir: "But it would be unfair to him. Would you really do that when he's in the army?"
Natalie: "He won't have to know about that. Besides, who knows? Maybe he's meeting other girls in the army... althought I don't think so."
Amir: "Me neither."
Natalie: "I love you, it's crazy"

Later she denied that she loves him. "I like him, that's all". She said she's never hidden anything from me. She always told me everything there was to tell.

How can I believe her after what I've just read?!

Later on that day, we've spent some good together and for a while there, it felt like Amir doesn't even exist. But he does, doesn't he?

I told her I don't want her to meet him again. It would only make things worse, but she said she wants to meet him, that she can't go on without him, she needs him. She wants him to be a good friend, not a lover. But she's afraid she can't control it.

He keeps flirting with her, telling her that he regrets leaving her 2 months ago and pursuing some other girl.

I'm not giving up on her. I know life's never that simple. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't wanna end it.

But she has to choose! Who will it be, a guy who lives far away in Arad, who's dumped her for another girl, or me?

I sure hope she's gonna make the right choice...

One day I will prove its existence

23th March, 2005

I got myself a new cellphone. It's Nokia 3100. Now I can surf the Net for free, download games and read stuff instead of getting bored while on guarding duties.

3 peaceful weeks in the northern Israeli-Jordanian border near the sea of Gallilee (Kineret).

It's been 4 months now and new soldiers have joined our battery. Soldiers from Aug' 04. Once they joined our battery, Aug '03 got their first privileges. Aug '03 that's me. Now that we're 1.8 years in the army, we no longer have any regular guarding duties at nights - no guarding at the gate, the bunker, watchtowers or any of that kind. We also no longer work in the kitchen. That's quite an upgrade.

I also stopped performing most of the cleaning duties, like cleaning the toilets and such. There are younger soldiers for that now.

It is a custom in combat corps that younger soldiers respect the older ones. If there are soldiers at least 1 year 'younger' than you, they should show you some respect. But you know what they say about new generations - the present generation is more spoiled than its predecessor.

Slowly but steadily, the gap between seniors and juniors becomes smaller. Treatment becomes equal and with it, the privileges become obsolete. This is bad, because young soldiers need something to strive for. They want to be sure that if they get a job at the battery or when they're 2.4 years in the army, they'll have their own room, they'll guard less, be released home more often and so on. If you take that away from them, people might lose their motivation. They don't have much motivation anyway.


* * * * *

Our main base here is located on a mountain, quite close to the border. There's a beautiful view of the valley from up here.

This is one thing I really owe the army for. You get to see so many beautiful places. Even the sky becomes so beautiful once you have all the time in the world to look at it, when you're behind a metal fence that stands between you and the free world that teases you right in front of your eyes.

The moment we got here, 2 teams have been released home for the weekend. Me and a few others were sent to Hamat Gader. It's a popular hot springs resort in Israel. The younger soldiers guard at the watchtowers surrounding the resort. Me and some others are assigned on truck patrols. They're open vehicles with machine guns on both sides. At night, it gets really cold to sit in an open truck for about 8 hours. We patrol along the border, sometimes stop at a pub on route 90. Things are very quiet out here, but we stay put anyway. Apart from patrols, I also guard at the communications room. It's my first time sitting at the comm. room, being in charge of delivering information and directing the forces in case of emergency.

31st March, 2005

It's my team's turn to be released home. Unfortunately, not all soldiers could be released home, due to lack of manpower. Apart from Aug '04 soldiers, one guy from my team had to stay. I volunteered to stay back in November, when it was either me or Nitzan. Now it was obviously Nitzan's turn. Matan had told him that he was chosen to stay, but Nitzan managed to work his way out of this. He said he's got problems at home. The officers approved his excuse and Matan had no choice but to choose someone else. He was really angry at Nitzan but could do nothing about it. He chose Daniel, again. Daniel was eager to get home this weekend. He was at the roof of the barracks, a guarding post. The barracks used to be a hotel before 1967, now it's completely abandoned. When Daniel received the bad news, he asked Matan "Why me?", to what Matan foolishly answered: "because you're disciplined and responsible." Oh really? That really sounded fair! It pissed Daniel off. If he was disciplined and responsible until now, he'd change his attitude. In fact, he's changed his attitude back in January, when he was punished on his very birthday and wasn't released home after being caught falling asleep while on duty. He'd hoped they would give him a day or two of detention or that they'd postpone the punishment to his next release home, but they grounded him on his birthday and ruined all his plans. That day he'd lost trust to Michael, our platoon's officer. He learned to hate most of the commanders and whoever's in charge of things. Within no time, he became quite rebellious. Too bad. He's a good guy who really gave his 100% to our battery. He's my best friend, which is what made me look rebellious sometimes as well. Honestly, that part about our friendship is something that I didn't like that much.

25th March, 2005

Today happened something I had never really expected.

While guarding at the comm room, I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it over and over again. I wish I had remembered the exact words, that I had saved it somewhere. But I don't know if it matters, really. The general concept of this message is forever carved in my memory.

But before that, I'd like to share some of our SMS messages that I wrote on paper, before losing the cellphone. It didn't have enough memory to store all of the messages, so I wrote the best ones on paper so I'd never forget them.

Me: "*Kiss* Count all the stars in the universe - that is how much I love you. Forever in your arms, K." (10th December 2003)

Me: "As I ride the bus to the base, beautiful landscapes are revealed beyond the window... and I keep thinking of you, my Angel. I know that in no time, we'll meet. Love you, K." (13th December 2003)

Me: "My magical angel. I'd do everything it takes to be with you this summer. We'll meet this summer - it's a promise! I kept thinking of you throughout all the training..." (13th December 2003)

Angel: "Hi my dear. I'll do anything to be with you together, too. I even would sell my soul to see you at least for one minute! I love you so much. I'd come to you at once if I could. *Kiss*" (13th December 2003)

Me: "Angel, my dear girlfriend, you have no idea how AMAZING you are! I love you with all of my heart and I'll never let you go. *Kiss* I'm holding you now in my arms. Love you." (December 2003)

Angel: "I know you're sleeping already. I wish I could be in your arms now, feel your warmth & safety. I feel so alone at the moment and I can't tell you how much I miss you. Love you." (December 2003)

Angel: "I'm so glad to be your girlfriend! ^o^ It makes me feel that I can create everything. I love you more than I could say. Let's be together forever. *Kiss*" (December 2003)

Angel: "Hi my dreamstar. I nearly can't hold myself. I'd take the next flight to you if I could. I'd like to runaway immediately now. I miss you so much. I love you honey. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)

Angel: "I know I'll love you forever too. Why can't we just runaway and start a new life? I'd like to do that so much. Oh honey, I can't tell you how much I miss you. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)

Angel: "Today morning, when I went to the bus stop, I looked up to the sky. I only saw 1 star. It reminded me of you. That you will always be my following star. I love
you so much. *Kiss*" (22nd December, 2003)

Angel: "Hi honey. I love you so much, too. And I really thought about running away to you just to be in your arms. I still play with the thought of running away. I love you too much to stay here.." (26th December, 2003)

Angel: "It's the same with me. I almost can't hold myself back. I don't know what I should do anymore. I think my heart winning very soon. I can tell you. I love you so extremely." (26th December, 2003)

There are about 40 additional messages, but I don't know if that'd be interesting to read.

1.8 years in the army and I've seen hundreds if not thousands of attractive girls. Some of them were more than just attractive. Especially at the roadblocks I couldn't help but notice dozens of nice girls each day. Not once did they make me think about what I'm doing, about my choices. Is it the right thing to do, to spend 3 years of my life waiting for someone? But she's not just someone, she's very special.

Do you think I'll never find anyone like her ever again? Is she really that special or is it love that makes me so blind?

I must not hesitate. It would be a shame to waste a few years believing in one thing, then changing your mind. I needed to make that decision and I needed to make it as soon as possible. It was a year ago, before I flew to Germany, that I decided once and for all to stay with her, telling myself that I may never know what I'd lost if I broke up with her.

What if I never find anyone like her ever again? I'll remember her so perfect and amazing and all that and I might never know if I did the right thing or not. If we stay together, if we meet and get to know each other in real life, then I'll know better if she's really the one for me. I won't leave her unless I'm fully convinced that we're not made for each other. Yep, I'm going with this until the very end!

That way I will prove to myself that with enough determination, people can actually stay loyal to each other despite the surrounding temptations. If we only learn to appreciate what we have...

Choosing one over many is a huge sacrifice for all of us. We give up so many opportunities just for something that we think is worth more, much more.

It may indeed be so priceless, especially if the person we give up everything for does the same thing for us.

On 25th March, her e-mail read: I'm sorry honey, I hope you're not mad at me, but I think we should take a break from each other. I mean, we could date other people. You don't have to wait for me, you could see other girls and feel free to do anything you want.

It wasn't really a break up, or at least not a directly implied one. She didn't plan to date any guys, just girls. She liked some girls and probably wanted the freedom to explore and experience that new aspect of her life.

Do you think that in a year and a half we'll be together? She didn't have a straight answer to that. She didn't want me to wait for her all this time, she wanted me to have fun and she wanted to have fun too.

As tempting as it might have sounded, I didn't want to date any girls if I was going to lose her in the end. But regardless of whether I date other girls or not, what is the guarantee that we'll be together in a year and a half?

She told me not to wait...
Does it mean that she no longer loves me?

Things have clearly become different now. It was time for a new phase in our lives.

On one hand, I felt like I broke a thousand heavy chains, that new roads have opened ahead of me with unlimited opportunities. On the other hand, I was so upset and angry that things have come to this. After all that we've been through, now she gives up?!

She's the one that wanted it so much when we first met. I guess 2 years is a lot of time. People always change. However, when two people truly love each other, nothing in the world should ever stand between them.

I kept telling everyone that they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know the meaning of true love. They can laugh all they want for all I care, but in the end I'm going to be the one to have the best relationship there could ever be. I was going to prove it to them.

I was so upset. I was in so much despair, that I felt like I would go to a prostitute the moment I get home! No, I would never do that. But at that moment, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.

She was the only person that really cared about me, or so I thought. Now it felt like I was all by myself again.

1st April, 2005

I was released home. I needed to find myself some girl fast! I started looking at dating sites, talking to different girls on ICQ. It's always exciting to meet someone new, to have a new relationship in your life.

I found 4 interesting girls to talk with. One of them was particularly interested in me. She's from Tel Aviv, the closest to me. I found her in ICQ People Search. That stupid search doesn't allow you to search people by custom age. Even when you specify 18-22, it gives you the wrong results. The best thing to do was search by country, gender, language and 'online only' and then check the profile of every result found, where you could see their age.

But then the ICQ server stopped responding and returned an error message whenever I tried to check the profiles. Frustrated, I started messaging every girl, regardless of their age. One of them was Natalie.

After a short conversation, we exchanged pictures. While the pictures were being sent to each other, I found out how old she is... She was just turning 15! Forget it...

But then I checked out her picture and it was like "Oh my God!". To add to that, she liked me too. Ummm... don't you think she's too young for you? I decided to keep talking to her, find out if she's still childish and all that.

She didn't seem to.

There's one thing that really I like in girls... it's innocence. Angel's never had a boyfriend before, she's never kissed, never fell in love. That is one reason why she was so over the head when she fell in love with me. Many girls at my age are no longer romantic. They've been disappointed by love, they've had their hearts broken, they've experienced things I myself have never experienced... But don't think that I'm some sort of a pedophile. There's a limit to it. I'm 19 and a half and she turns 15 now. I guess 16.5-17 is the minimum, but a 15 could be a one-time exception in this case. At least it's worth a try, isn't it?

I talked to her on Saturday night. The next morning I came back to the army. We've been talking on the phone a lot and it's been exceptionally fun. She's not THAT innocent - she once got drunk, she tried some drugs, but that's her 'past'. She says she's not like that anymore.

I'm skeptic about this, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway.

We plan to meet when I'm released home again... Am I ready for a new relationship? Only time will tell.

I still love Angel very much. I don't think she gave up on me either. Maybe she needs some time off to clear her head?

As I've said, only time will tell...