In search of reason

10th October, 2004

2 days of our vacation have been taken away. Our officer wanted to organize a 2-day trip to Jerusalem and Sdot-Yam, a kibbutz near Caesarea and Hadera where Kobi lives (a commander from our platoon). A female soldier, whose job is being a military tour guide in Jerusalem, had taken us to various places in the old city and told us of its past. Then we visited the western wall and everyone wrote a note and put it in the wall.

Next, we drove to Sdot-Yam. It's a beautiful Kibbutz located next to the beach. There are archaeological findings from Roman times, there's a large sailing club there. Gal Friedman, the first gold medalist of the Olympic games in Israel's history (He won it a few months ago) lives and trains right here. We had barbecue in the evening and on the next morning we went to the beach. A while later, a model and 2 photographers passed us by. They went north, beyond a small rocky hill to find a perfect spot to do the shooting. Everyone was so curious to see it, they went up there to watch.

In the afternoon, we all were taken to the bus station in Hadera. I was home at 4:30pm, but I had to come back to the base this evening, thanks to the punishment Lior gave me a week ago.

13th October, 2004

It's been 10 days since I've last heard from Angel. I can't stop worrying!

I called her. The phone rings, but nobody answers it.

I SMSed her 3-4 times these last few days, but there's no reply.

I e-mailed her when I was home, but received nothing.

What is going on? Where is she? Has something bad happened or is there something she doesn't want me to know? There are many ways to communicate nowadays. It's not like she can't contact me, so what is it about? I don't get it.

A few days ago, when I was at home, her friend Jenny was online. Angel was at her place at the time. I talked to Angel, but all she ever said was "hi" and "I'm fine". Then she stopped replying.

My last SMS to her was: "Honey, I'm really worried. Please contact me or my mom somehow. Through email, phone, your mom, internet cafe, your friends, anyhow. I know you can, but you don't do it, so I'm worried."

Later this evening, while I was guarding in the observation tower, I received an SMS and somehow missed an unknown call. The SMS was from Angel! It said: "Honey, don't be worried! Don't you trust me? You know I love you, don't you? I'm lying in the hospital. Operation again. Got my phone today again. Hope you are fine! Love you soo much! Kiss." It made me happy again, to know that our relationship is stable, but now I was worried about her operation. Poor Angel. After I had replied to her, her 2nd SMS said she couldn't speak to me, at least for the next 2 days. She has problems with her throat, which is why she has to undergo an operation.

16th October, 2004

6a.m. - I was supposed to guard at the watchtower as usual, but some Palestinian guy threw a Molotov cocktail on the road near 76th junction and so Raleb called me, Haim and Maxim to go down there ASAP. We were ordered to prevent any movement on the road connecting 2 Palestinian villages.

Haim took one side of the road, I took the other one. He aggressively yelled and pointed his gun at every Palestinian who came upon our roadblock. There was a taxi with a Palestinian guy in the back, who had his eye bandaged. The taxi driver said the man had some kind of a pin stuck in his eye and that he needed to be delivered to the hospital immediately. But Raleb couldn't care less. After some yelling, the driver turned back.

Maxim joined my side of the road. I started talking to him about his views, hoping to have at least someone agreeing with my point of view, but my hopes have turned against me. He said he's not a racist, but he dislikes Palestinians. He said that Baruch Goldstein, who massacred 29 Palestinians in 1994 did the right thing, that just like they commit suicide bombings and kill innocent civilians, we should commit such acts ourselves and kill their innocent civilians as well. *Sigh*

I was surrounded by 3 guys who hated Palestinians indiscriminately. It looked as if every Palestinian they met on the roadblock was that molotov-cocktail-throwing criminal in their eyes.

A taxi came to our side of the road. The taxi driver said he had a pregnant woman in the back who needs to give birth. Maxim told him to turn back. The driver started to argue with Maxim, when he'd lost his patience and shouted: "I don't give a shit! Even if you die, I wouldn't care! Now turn around and go back!"

A while later, two more cars came - one was with another pregnant woman, the other - a father and a boy who had a broken leg.

But Raleb did not care!

Raleb told him to turn around and then walked on to deal with another vehicle. But the father didn't listen. He went out of the vehicle, carrying his son in his arms. He tried to reason with Raleb, but he and Maxim started to shout at him angrily and walking in his direction. Then the father walked back to his vehicle and turned around.

Some Palestinians would ask us when they could come back, but the only answer they'd get is another "get out of my sight!" and "turn around!".

I wish I had done something, but feel shame and pity. I don't know whose orders it was, but they didn't make any sense. Since we're here, we can check those cars and let them pass. Why punish everyone? Why do we prevent basic humanitarian needs?!

Assuming there are justified reasons for this kind of roadblock, why can't they preserve their patience and explain the situation to these people? They wouldn't be so aggressive towards Israelis, no matter how annoying some Israelis can be, so why this kind of discrimination?

Maybe they refuse to leave, if you're not aggressive enough. Is being calm and nice to people considered to be a form of weakness when it comes to soldiers? I think that in some way it does, yet it doesn't mean that you should be aggressive to everyone. One should use it only when necessary.

Looking at the big picture, one can wonder how much damage a stupid individual with a molotov cocktail or a stone in his hand can do.

17th October, 2004

Pinhas is a good person if you get to know him well, but not when it comes to politics and Palestinians. He says he'd kill all Arabs if he could. He told me how once there was one Palestinian who pissed him off. He was told he couldn't pass through the roadblock and that he shouldn't bother trying to come back, but the guy came back to the roadblock to see if it's still there and to ask again if he could pass. Pinhas approached him, grabbed him by his neck and started choking him!

Amir, a commander who was at the roadblock at the time, urged Pinhas to stop. Pinhas says: "Amir is a pussy, unlike Natan (his present commander who doesn't seem to like Palestinians that much). Natan lets us do whatever we want whenever Palestinians give us any problems."

Hatred is all over the place.

(A year later, I found out that Pinhas' girlfriend was killed in a suicide bombing. That's probably where all this hatred comes from.)

* * * * *

I fell like a free man doing a favor to this country, doing nothing in overall, wasting 3 most precious years of my life for nothing instead of being somewhere abroad with Angel.

IDF saves the lives of many Israelis by defending this country, but IDF is also the primary cause for Israeli victims in these bombings and shootings. IDF gives them reasons to hate us and want to fight us.

I don't feel like doing anything good for Israelis or Palestinians, or for world's peace, but there's one thing that I am doing and it's documenting everything that I witness here. How can it help change anything? I don't know. I only hope that if it ever changes anything, it would be a positive change for everyone.

* * * * *

I decided to write a letter to myself, that is, my future self. "Open and read it on the day that you're released from the army."

Dear me!

You must be 21 by now. I hope Angel's right there next to you. Do not tell me that apart from a meeting in April 2005 and/or a metting or two more, you have not seen her since and that you wait until she finishes a university. I feel like I can't wait to see her again! Can you? :)

You're most likely with her by now. With all of my heart, I do hope you are together.

What are your plans? Are you going to record the songs? Are you to become a web designer? Do you plan to move to Germany or USA? How's Mom doing? She's still not receiving her salary on time? Is she still alone? How's your brother doing? Is he tired of his academic service?

I wish you all the best in the world! Good luck in your free, civilian life and greeting to Angel from the young me! :)

Love her forEVER!!! Don't you tell me you don't feel the same!

Me, 19 years old, 17/10/04.