In search of reason

10th October, 2004

2 days of our vacation have been taken away. Our officer wanted to organize a 2-day trip to Jerusalem and Sdot-Yam, a kibbutz near Caesarea and Hadera where Kobi lives (a commander from our platoon). A female soldier, whose job is being a military tour guide in Jerusalem, had taken us to various places in the old city and told us of its past. Then we visited the western wall and everyone wrote a note and put it in the wall.

Next, we drove to Sdot-Yam. It's a beautiful Kibbutz located next to the beach. There are archaeological findings from Roman times, there's a large sailing club there. Gal Friedman, the first gold medalist of the Olympic games in Israel's history (He won it a few months ago) lives and trains right here. We had barbecue in the evening and on the next morning we went to the beach. A while later, a model and 2 photographers passed us by. They went north, beyond a small rocky hill to find a perfect spot to do the shooting. Everyone was so curious to see it, they went up there to watch.

In the afternoon, we all were taken to the bus station in Hadera. I was home at 4:30pm, but I had to come back to the base this evening, thanks to the punishment Lior gave me a week ago.

13th October, 2004

It's been 10 days since I've last heard from Angel. I can't stop worrying!

I called her. The phone rings, but nobody answers it.

I SMSed her 3-4 times these last few days, but there's no reply.

I e-mailed her when I was home, but received nothing.

What is going on? Where is she? Has something bad happened or is there something she doesn't want me to know? There are many ways to communicate nowadays. It's not like she can't contact me, so what is it about? I don't get it.

A few days ago, when I was at home, her friend Jenny was online. Angel was at her place at the time. I talked to Angel, but all she ever said was "hi" and "I'm fine". Then she stopped replying.

My last SMS to her was: "Honey, I'm really worried. Please contact me or my mom somehow. Through email, phone, your mom, internet cafe, your friends, anyhow. I know you can, but you don't do it, so I'm worried."

Later this evening, while I was guarding in the observation tower, I received an SMS and somehow missed an unknown call. The SMS was from Angel! It said: "Honey, don't be worried! Don't you trust me? You know I love you, don't you? I'm lying in the hospital. Operation again. Got my phone today again. Hope you are fine! Love you soo much! Kiss." It made me happy again, to know that our relationship is stable, but now I was worried about her operation. Poor Angel. After I had replied to her, her 2nd SMS said she couldn't speak to me, at least for the next 2 days. She has problems with her throat, which is why she has to undergo an operation.

16th October, 2004

6a.m. - I was supposed to guard at the watchtower as usual, but some Palestinian guy threw a Molotov cocktail on the road near 76th junction and so Raleb called me, Haim and Maxim to go down there ASAP. We were ordered to prevent any movement on the road connecting 2 Palestinian villages.

Haim took one side of the road, I took the other one. He aggressively yelled and pointed his gun at every Palestinian who came upon our roadblock. There was a taxi with a Palestinian guy in the back, who had his eye bandaged. The taxi driver said the man had some kind of a pin stuck in his eye and that he needed to be delivered to the hospital immediately. But Raleb couldn't care less. After some yelling, the driver turned back.

Maxim joined my side of the road. I started talking to him about his views, hoping to have at least someone agreeing with my point of view, but my hopes have turned against me. He said he's not a racist, but he dislikes Palestinians. He said that Baruch Goldstein, who massacred 29 Palestinians in 1994 did the right thing, that just like they commit suicide bombings and kill innocent civilians, we should commit such acts ourselves and kill their innocent civilians as well. *Sigh*

I was surrounded by 3 guys who hated Palestinians indiscriminately. It looked as if every Palestinian they met on the roadblock was that molotov-cocktail-throwing criminal in their eyes.

A taxi came to our side of the road. The taxi driver said he had a pregnant woman in the back who needs to give birth. Maxim told him to turn back. The driver started to argue with Maxim, when he'd lost his patience and shouted: "I don't give a shit! Even if you die, I wouldn't care! Now turn around and go back!"

A while later, two more cars came - one was with another pregnant woman, the other - a father and a boy who had a broken leg.

But Raleb did not care!

Raleb told him to turn around and then walked on to deal with another vehicle. But the father didn't listen. He went out of the vehicle, carrying his son in his arms. He tried to reason with Raleb, but he and Maxim started to shout at him angrily and walking in his direction. Then the father walked back to his vehicle and turned around.

Some Palestinians would ask us when they could come back, but the only answer they'd get is another "get out of my sight!" and "turn around!".

I wish I had done something, but feel shame and pity. I don't know whose orders it was, but they didn't make any sense. Since we're here, we can check those cars and let them pass. Why punish everyone? Why do we prevent basic humanitarian needs?!

Assuming there are justified reasons for this kind of roadblock, why can't they preserve their patience and explain the situation to these people? They wouldn't be so aggressive towards Israelis, no matter how annoying some Israelis can be, so why this kind of discrimination?

Maybe they refuse to leave, if you're not aggressive enough. Is being calm and nice to people considered to be a form of weakness when it comes to soldiers? I think that in some way it does, yet it doesn't mean that you should be aggressive to everyone. One should use it only when necessary.

Looking at the big picture, one can wonder how much damage a stupid individual with a molotov cocktail or a stone in his hand can do.

17th October, 2004

Pinhas is a good person if you get to know him well, but not when it comes to politics and Palestinians. He says he'd kill all Arabs if he could. He told me how once there was one Palestinian who pissed him off. He was told he couldn't pass through the roadblock and that he shouldn't bother trying to come back, but the guy came back to the roadblock to see if it's still there and to ask again if he could pass. Pinhas approached him, grabbed him by his neck and started choking him!

Amir, a commander who was at the roadblock at the time, urged Pinhas to stop. Pinhas says: "Amir is a pussy, unlike Natan (his present commander who doesn't seem to like Palestinians that much). Natan lets us do whatever we want whenever Palestinians give us any problems."

Hatred is all over the place.

(A year later, I found out that Pinhas' girlfriend was killed in a suicide bombing. That's probably where all this hatred comes from.)

* * * * *

I fell like a free man doing a favor to this country, doing nothing in overall, wasting 3 most precious years of my life for nothing instead of being somewhere abroad with Angel.

IDF saves the lives of many Israelis by defending this country, but IDF is also the primary cause for Israeli victims in these bombings and shootings. IDF gives them reasons to hate us and want to fight us.

I don't feel like doing anything good for Israelis or Palestinians, or for world's peace, but there's one thing that I am doing and it's documenting everything that I witness here. How can it help change anything? I don't know. I only hope that if it ever changes anything, it would be a positive change for everyone.

* * * * *

I decided to write a letter to myself, that is, my future self. "Open and read it on the day that you're released from the army."

Dear me!

You must be 21 by now. I hope Angel's right there next to you. Do not tell me that apart from a meeting in April 2005 and/or a metting or two more, you have not seen her since and that you wait until she finishes a university. I feel like I can't wait to see her again! Can you? :)

You're most likely with her by now. With all of my heart, I do hope you are together.

What are your plans? Are you going to record the songs? Are you to become a web designer? Do you plan to move to Germany or USA? How's Mom doing? She's still not receiving her salary on time? Is she still alone? How's your brother doing? Is he tired of his academic service?

I wish you all the best in the world! Good luck in your free, civilian life and greeting to Angel from the young me! :)

Love her forEVER!!! Don't you tell me you don't feel the same!

Me, 19 years old, 17/10/04.

The next chapter: Maccabim

27th September, 2004

When I came back to the army on 26th, my friends and a few other soldiers including my commander asked me about the trip. I brought pictures with me to show them... and to look at them myself once in a while.

On the next day, my battery was moving out of Hebron and getting ready to be replaced by other forces. I was in Telem settlement, doing some packing and cleaning up.

We had to wait in the parking lot for 3 hours until the bus came. It took us to Jerusalem, to "Beit HaHayal" - it's what you'd call a soldier's hotel.

Any soldier can spend a night at the hotel for around 35NIS ($8). Soldiers without parents, or with certain problems in the family are allowed to stay at the hotel for free.

There are such hotels in Ashqelon and Eilat that are primarily used for annual week-long vacations organized by the regiments. For example, 4 months ago - when I was in the middle of a commander's course, my regiment had a week-long vacation in Ashqelon.

This time, however, it was not a vacation. The next day we would proceed to our new home - Maccabim.

The same night, my throat hurt and I had temperature. I talked to our battery's medic, but he refused to help me, explaining me that all the medicine is packed and will only be unpacked tomorrow.

28th September-4th October, 2004

The regiment was ready to leave the hotel. Our battery would move to a small base on road number 443 connecting Modi'in and Jerusalem. The second battery would move to Maccabim - a base located on the Israeli side of the green-line border, next to the city Maccabim-Reut, close to Modi'in.

In Macabbim, soldiers have to prevent illegal Palestinian workers from entering the country. The fence is being constructed there, but it would take a few more years until it's finished.

The soldiers there are also responsible for the 443 roadblock. Thousands of people use that road every day, including Knesset members. Since the roadblock is located at the border between Israeli and the Palestinian territories, cars have to be checked.

Palestinian cars aren't allowed on that road, but Arab-Israeli cars are. If a soldier notices a car with Arabs or if he's not sure whether the man in the car is Arab or not, he signals the car to turn to the right-most lane for a routine check.

I know, this kind of selection is discriminative, but since not a single Israeli had yet carried out a suicide bombing, there is no reason to check them or their vehicles for explosives or anything of the kind.

As for Israeli-Arabs, they're checked only because you can rarely tell the difference between an Israeli-Arab and a Palestinian one, and sometimes Israeli-Arabs drive Palestinians into Israel.

But that's what the second battery will be doing in the following month, not mine.

I know it all because I served in that base for 2 months during my advanced training in the third battery. (4th battery is basic training. It doesn't officially belong to the regiment. 3rd battery is advanced training. 2nd and 1st batteries are where soldiers spend the rest of their military service, unless they leave for all kinds of reasons.)

My battery arrived to a small base, more of a post I'd say. There's barely enough space for the whole battery to fit in. I'd been here as well, during my advanced training, but since then the post has been re-arranged and improved. There are more containers now (Yes, in most bases we live in containers!), the entrance gate's been moved to a completely different location and the observation post has been upgraded with a monitor and a joystick.

It was an unbearable heat of around 45 degrees. The weather man said it was the hottest day of the year, yet we had to work without break during the whole day, unpacking the trucks, moving things from one place to another - beds, mattrasses, personal bags, army bags, vests, sofas, chairs, tables and a lot of miscellaenous battery accessories. Every 5 minutes I ran to the bathroom to drink water from the sink, despite my sore throat.

A while later, while the others were still unpacking, Aaron called me and a few others for a briefing... (Aaron is a very good guy from Ireland. He immigrated to Israel when he was a kid, just like me. We've completed both basic and advanced training together. Then he took the full commander's course and now he's assigned as a commander of the 2nd team of the 2nd platoon, while I'm in the 1st team of the 2nd platoon. My commander, Matan, also served the first 8 months of his military service with me. When he became my commander it felt really strange. But that's how it works here in the army. Even officers are younger than some of the regular soldiers. Never mind the rank, the younger ones should always respect the older soldiers, for they're usually more experienced.

When we all gathered, Yair, my officer, briefed us on the first mission. Normally, we would've been happy to skip all the unpacking, go on a mission and have a good sleep. But this mission wasn't something to be happy about: The regiment commander wants a team in one of the Palestinian villages. He wants us to be there for three straight days, guard on a terrace outside a Palestinian house, wearing a ceramic vest. No electricity. Peeing in bottles. The rest I'll leave to your own imagination. What was the purpose of this mission? Nobody knew.

It was madness! I've never heard of such things before.
We were waiting for a vehicle to take us there. We all hoped this mission would be cancelled.... and it eventually was. :)

I was assigned to guard at the observation post. An officer had given me a quick tutorial on how to use the joystick and the various camera functions, including night vision and I was happy to do the job. I became a regular observator - guarding from 2 to 6 am and pm and performing all the morning and evening cleaning duties with the other soldiers who were currently off their missions. Other missions included AV patrol and a foot patrol. The main mission is to protect the road and prevent Palestinians from throwing Molotov cocktails and stones on Israeli cars.

My throat was still sore, but nobody really cared about it. I couldn't drink anything cold, but the only drink that was available to us at dinner was ice cold raspberry juice. The medic gave me "Kalgaron" which is more like a candy-pill for little children. It obviously didn't help. My mom visited my on Saturday and gave me some medicine, honey and a thermos along with some fruits and sweets. Thanks Mom!

Lior officially became the battery's sergeant and inherited the job from one of the finest sergeants I've ever known - Avi. (If you ever watched the popular TV-Series "Lost", Avi is a COPY of Matthew Fox, the leading actor. The only two differences are that Avi's hair is already gray at age 21 and his voice is that of Vladimir Vysotsky, a famous Russian singer.)

Lior decided to show his authority on the second day of his duty. He asked everyone to wear a hat during morning and evening formation. (After morning/evening cleaning routine, soldiers have to wear vests with their flasks and magazines full, and stand in a U formation facing the commanders who check their flasks, their magazines, their weapons, the rooms, the toilets and the whole area of the base. A soldier is punished if he doesn't have his flasks or magazines full. If the base is not clean enough, soldiers have to keep cleaning until commanders are satisfied. Sometimes it depends on the mood and character of present commanders.)

On the next morning I had to wear a hat but I couldn't find it. I asked guys if they could lend me one, but no one had a spare hat. Standing in the formation without a hat resulted in a 1-day punishment. It means that one day of my vacation at home is taken away because of a stupid hat. He didn't accept any explanations. My commander supported me, but he couldn't anything about it. Lior wanted people to obey him, to fear his punishment. He needed an example to prove that he's serious. There I was.

Matan helped me nevertheless. He told me to come back from home a day earlier, but sometime in the evening. That way it would only be a few hours instead of a day.

I didn't hear any news from Angel, apart from one message. I don't want to bother her by sending too many SMS messages, but I do want to hear from her more often.

5th October, 2004

The whole battery gathered in the center and we spent a wonderful evening, playing games with music, barbecue and karaoke. November 2001 soldiers were singing the song "Gone till November" originally performed by Wyclef Jean, marking their upcoming release in November 2004.

The next morning we were released home at 8:30am. :)

Bilateral hell breaks loose

29th August, 2004

Raleb is one of our officers. He's Druze. He dislikes Palestinians, but is good towards us soldiers.
He made sure I get home very early today. I was ready at 5am and arrived home at 9:30, thanks to him. (There's a bus from Kiryat Gat that crosses Telem and arrives at Kiryat Arba. Kiryat Arba is populated mostly by religious Israelis and Russian-Israelis. It's close to Hebron and not too far away from Jerusalem. I took a bus to Jerusalem and then to Tel Aviv. Eventually I spent around 4 hours on this ride, but once you get home you become so relieved...

While I was on the bus to Jerusalem, I heard how two 40 year old Russian-Israeli women started talking about me: "I'll sit next to this handsome soldier." I don't know if she realized that I know Russian. After a while she changed her seating place, saying: "May a pretty, young lady sit next to you." Wow... That surely doesn't happen often.

There was indeed one pretty, young lady who was sitting... almost next to me (opposite side - same row) on the bus from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. I only noticed her when we arrived to the central bus station in Tel Aviv. She looked at me as we left our seats, looked at me again while we were standing in line for a security check. When I looked at her again, I noticed that she was quite pretty... but it really didn't matter to me.

I went to an ATM. While I was withdrawing money, I noticed that there was someone behind me, standing in line, looking like her. I didn't look back so I'm not sure it was her. Then, when I took the bus home, the 4th encounter happened. She came to the same bus stop where I was waiting and took the same bus!!! Is she following me or is it a very rare coincidence?!

She looked at me once more while we were standing at the bus stop. When the bus arrived, I sat in the last row so she wouldn't sit behind me, but then she sat on one of those seats that were facing me!! After a while someone took a seat between the two of us.

This whole incident reminded of my earlier "catch the moment" opportunities in which I had my one, single chance with girls that I met outdoors. But I'd never taken them since I have Angel. There's no way in the world I would dare hurting her feelings and jeopardizing our unique relationship. This relationship has the best chances of success out of all the relationships I've ever had. I'm giving it my best for there's no way to know if chances like this might come along again in the future.

Anyway, that girl left the bus before I did and I have never seen her again.

1st September, 2004

Back to the army...

I was late for my bus.. but the next one would arrive there in time, unless something would prevent it.. I was nervous, looking at the watch (9:56) - I have to get to the train station at 10:15. The bus driver was driving so slowly, people were coming on and off the bus at every bus station, but what really took most of my precious time was the traffic jam at Etzel street. After a few minutes of stressfully waiting in my seat, I realized that the traffic jam would take a while to clear up. I took my bag and left the bus, running forward as fast as I could. There was a minibus-taxi ahead of me. I took it.

It was already 10:14 when I arrived. I had to cross a bridge, connecting the two sides of the road. While I was running towards the other side of the bridge, I saw my train departing. That was a death sentence for me. I couldn't get to Kiryat Gat at 11am. I was late and I could be punished for that...

I called my commander. He asked Yair and then told me to get to Kiryat Arba instead. I got there at 12:42pm. Only at 4:10pm I was taken to the base. They always leave you waiting for hours before they arrive with their Toyota (battery's car, used mainly for logistics) to take you away.

I wasn't the only soldier who was supposed to get to Kiryat Gat, so I was surprised to find out that no one from Kiryat Gat has arrived yet. So even though I was late, I arrived earlier than the others.

I just found out that yesterday there was a double suicide bombing in Beer Sheba. I called my brother to see if he's okay. He studies at the Ben-Gurion university in Beer Sheba.

Around 19 people were killed with over 70 injured. The two suicide bombers came from... HEBRON!!

But no, not from our side of Hebron. We only control the northern part of Hebron. The suicide bombers came from the southern part of the city.

IDF has a full closure on Hebron now. We have to check everyone who enters and leaves Hebron at its northern side. Helicopters hover over the city.

As I was at the base I looked for Lital. The other service terms desk-worker told me she's on a regila now, that she'll be back by next Sunday. She found out for me if the form has been signed yet. It hasn't been. "Lital will give it to the regiment's commander next Sunday." I thanked her and left the office. There's less than 2 weeks and now I have to wait 1 week until the process could be resumed? I already have the tickets, they wouldn't dare to back off on me, would they?

Or, Rami and me replaced the soldiers at one of the three pillboxes that our battery garrisons. It's the same pillbox I was in a week ago. It's located in Hebron's north-eastern corner. It's located next to a junction with 3 roads leading to Kiryat Gat, Jerusalem and Kiryat Arba. Normally, our main objective here is to carry out checkpoints on the road when ordered and open the gate opposite the pillbox. It's a humanitarian gate. Just as the name suggests, we open it for ambulances mostly, after we check them.

Since all the roads to Hebron were closed, the humanitarian gate was among the only remaining open roads leading in and out of Hebron. Therefore, many cars and trucks tried to make their way through this passage and had to be checked. Trucks with food, gas canisters, medical equipment and other necessary goods were allowed to pass. International vehicles were allowed to pass as well. Hebron citizens who were coming back home (if I remember correctly) were allowed to pass as well. The rest were turned back.

Or turned some of the trucks back telling them to go to Hebron-Halhoul bridge (where the 2nd pillbox is located), even though he knows perfectly well that there's no passage there. The roads are closed.

Why did he do it? I don't know. Maybe he just didn't care. But he was the commander there and he decided how it was going to be. I could only watch and hope that these trucks would either come back here or find some other way to Hebron.

3rd September, 2004

3 soldiers from DCO (District Coordination Office) arrived to the pillbox today. DCO is in charge of issuing work permits, prisoner visiting permits, permits for medical treatment in Israel and so on. I don't know for sure, but it seems that for most of their problems that has anything to do with Israel or IDF, Palestinians would come to DCO for help.

I was quite sure that these guys are mostly leftists and pro-Palestinians, but I was wrong. At least not those 3 guys. They shouted and threatened, turning cars around.

There was a taxi car parked at the side of the road. Me and Or went to check the car. The taxi driver said that his car keys were taken by the officer after he tried to bypass the cars that were ahead of him in line. Or told him he'd talk to the officer, but he started checking other cars instead. I told him: "Let's go and talk to the officer." He replied: "Are you kidding? You really thought I meant what I said? Let him wait there."

Only after 3 hours one of the DCO guys gave Ron (a different commander, who replaced Kogan) the keys and said: "You can either give him back the keys or you can make him wait longer. It's your call." After we had checked another car, I told him we should give him the keys, that he's waiting there for over 3 hours. We checked his car and Ron gave him back the keys.

Many cars and trucks were waiting in line, each with his own reasons and excuses. While you stand there checking these vehicles, you get to hear hundreds of original stories, yet you must follow orders and give passage only to vehicles with humanitarian aid. They keep arguing with you, which is quite reasonable - they've been waiting in line just to be turned back? and some of them really need to get to Hebron.

After a dozen of arguments you still have to control your patience for there's a dozen more coming ahead. "A trailer has been wrecked in a traffic accident, we need to get there fast!" "I have chicks in my truck, they barely have any air, they would die if they're not delivered on time."

For a while there, we had to check all the 3 roads of this junction. I tried to make sure that all roads will be checked equally. Ambulances and international vehicles were checked immediately. Ron checked cars thoroughly, checking every possible hole in the car, beneath the rugs, the side doors, everything! It's not a bad thing, but if you think about it - you can check a car for an hour, there're so many places where you could hide things.

There was one Israeli-Arab who said he's a collaborator. They let him pass. He informs IDF of any planned attacks, gives away names of Palestinians involved in illegal acts against Israel, etc.

Many Palestinians and international workers from UN, TIPH and other organizations were looking at us with hatred in their eyes. It surely wasn't pleasant.

Although I normally smile quite often, I was rarely able to smile while I was checking vehicles and documents, surrounded by a lot of unhappy-looking people.

After 3 hours, we were replaced in the pillbox. I arrived at the base. Everything is so calm in here.

Angel will come home tomorrow. She said that she got a serious tan in Croatia. Even though I don't really care about that, it somehow got me worried. I like it when girls have a bright, white skin. I don't know why, but most Israeli girls - those who have a dark, brown skin are not my type. Maybe it's because I'm pretty white myself. I hope she didn't get tanned that much.

Man, I can't wait to see her already! It's going to be such a heaven! My Angel... Soon.... Very soon...