The shortest way out

31st August, 2005

It was time to tell her everything...

"We have so many differences. We always fight and it's never going to end... and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting with you. I think it would be wise if we broke up sometime soon."

Natalie: "You are serious?! You want to break up with me?"

Me: "No, I'm not leaving you... I mean we should go our separate ways sometime in the future. It could be a month or even a year."

Did my words make any sense? If I know that sooner or later we'll have to break up, why waste any time?

I told her that she should feel free to do what she likes... to date other guys and ignore my existence.

Natalie:"Okay... why?"

Me: "Because it's wrong to limit you that way... you should open your eyes, maybe you'll meet some guy who'll be the one you've always been looking for, who could make you happy much more than I do, one you'll never fight with..." "What about that guys Shahar wanted you to meet in northern Tel Aviv?"

Natalie: "Stav? He didn't call me. Ummm... you know? I wanted to tell you... oh, never mind."
Me: "What? Come on, tell me."
Natalie: "I... met a guy. His name is Artyom... I told you about him earlier (19-20 year old, a soldier - desk-worker, met Natalie in ICQ). I like him."
Me: "Really? Tell me about him..."

It was strange... I was glad to hear that, instead of feeling jealousy and disappointment.

Natalie: "He's from Jerusalem. He comes home every week for the whole week."
Me: "What do you like about him?"
Natalie: "I don't know, everything. He's so nice. I don't know what he looks like, but he's coming to TLV (a night club) next week, so we'll meet then. He told me I'm pretty, intelligent and sweet."

Me: "Does it matter how he looks like?"
Natalie: "Yeah, it does."

It's no wonder. Natalie is beautiful. She's also tall, compared to other girls of her age. She'd tell me how guys would start flirting with her on every corner of the city, almost on a daily basis. There's no helping it. At least it made me proud that out of all the guys, I'm the one who's her boyfriend, the one she chose to be with. Being her boyfriend has given me a lot of self-confidence over the past few months.

Me: "There are things about you that I don't like. Your hatred, your sense of revenge, your high ego, your bad manners..."

Natalie: "Come to think of it, there are things I don't like about you too. You're being strange, sometimes I just don't understand you..."

I had to go. We hung up.

It felt like it was the beginning of an end. It was the right way to deal with it... make her understand that I'm not the one. I felt excitement. Now I can talk to Angel freely.

I'm going through some changes. My relationship with Natalie was no longer the same. It makes me both sad and happy at the same time.

1st September, 2005

I was beginning to feel myself free, proud and confident than ever. I wrote a message to Angel telling her that I have something important to tell her. I wanted to meet her online first, to talk about it all.

This evening Natalie was online. We were talking about us again.

I told her that we can't be together if we can't be 1 complete soul.

Me: "You disagree with what I do. You don't let me talk to Angel, you want to revenge her, you should understand me rather than go against my will."

Natalie: "Fine, you can talk to her."

Me: "And if you want us to become 1 complete soul, we have to share everything, you have to open up to me. No secrets."

Natalie: "Okay. I have no secrets from you."

Me: "How come? Remember you once said that there's something you don't tell me, something that would make me dump you if I ever hear it. (It was on 3rd July, she still haven't told me about it!)"

Natalie: "Oh, please don't ask me to tell it to you."
Me: "I am."
Natalie: "I can't tell you. Maybe in the future."
Me: "Look, you have to tell me everything."
Natalie: "But I don't want you to hear it."

Me: "If there's something I don't know over which I'm supposed to dump you, then it would only be reasonable to dump you anyway and it doesn't matter whether I know the reason or not, as long as there is one. So unless you tell it to me, I won't talk with you about anything else."
Natalie: "Okay, I'll tell you. I kissed a guy, he's 18 years old. We made out, don't ask when or who."

I was shocked and angry. There she was, cheating on me... AGAIN!

Me: "I do ask you! Who was it?! Why?"
Natalie: "What do you mean by 'why'? His name is Danny, my friend introduced me to him. It was a long time ago. We just met once in the park, kissed and touched each other."

Me: "How long ago was it?"
Natalie: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh come on, when did you meet?"
Natalie: "3-4 months ago."

S-H-O-C-K-E-D. She's been keeping it from me all this time.

Me: "Describe what happened, how long did you kiss?"
Natalie: "15 minutes."

It was the best way for me to deal with it. If I don't know the details, I automatically think about the worst things that could have happened. That's why it's best to know the truth. That way I might still be able to forgive.

Me: "How could you cheat on me and not tell me for such a long time? How come you mentioned this only in July?"

Natalie: "I loved you very much back then. I don't know."
Me: "Do you regret what you did?"
Natalie: "yes and no.."
Me: "so you regret it only partially?!"
Natalie: "no, I do regret it."

I felt devastated, my mood was ruined. It felt like crying. How could she?!

Me: "Now let me confess - I lied to you when I told you that I didn't talk with Angel. I did. I just didn't want to make you angry. I was desperate to talk to her."

Natalie: "Ok. I forgive you."

I told her that I have strong feelings for Angel. To put it shortly, I told her everything about how I felt, that I don't know anymore if I love her.

Natalie: "Since your feelings to her are stronger, you are likely to love her rather than me."

She was furious. A volcano was about to erupt...

"How could you? You have lied to me! All this time! And I devoted myself to you! You fooled me, I hate you. I wish you and Angel would burn in hell! Now you dump me like that? You ruin my life and do it at the beginning of the semester?! How dare you!

Now you ruined my mood, way to go, now you broke my heart. I'm crying now, are you happy? I wish some girl you would love dump you and break your heart the way you did to me so that you'll know how it feels like.

I'm at work now, damn it! When I come home, I'll cut myself and this time nobody will be able to stop me!!"

The situation was clearly getting out of control. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't help.

She cheated on me for three times and now I am the one breaking her heart?! I used to love her, I really did. I hoped that everything will work out fine between the two of us. It's not our differences that killed the love that I had for her, no. You stop loving someone, when he/she cuts your heart with a knife over and over again until there's nothing left of it. That's what she did. She killed it and it would require much effort to bring it back to its previous state.

Me: "I really loved you before. I can't control my feelings. I can't tell my heart whom to love. What can I do? I never lied to you but once and surely I never wanted to hurt you."

She didn't want to listen to any excuses and explanations. She was concentrated on taking out all the anger and blame on me.

Natalie: "How could you? You're such an asshole. You're like Amir! You used me. I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

It was supposed to be the bitter end to our relationship. A bad ending, really. But somehow I was afraid to let it end this way. I don't want her to be hating me for the rest of my life. What if she does commit suicide?

Then I told her: "Wanna hear something funny?"
Natalie: "what?"
Me: "What if I may actually do love you?"

I said it because I felt some strange feeling of care and attraction to her. Perhaps it was the last remnants of my feelings to her. That's when I remembered something that she once did: She'd say something false to me, then upon hearing my reaction to it she'd say it was just a test.

Me: "What if I just tested you? To see how you'll react if I stop loving you, to see if you'll understand me..."

Natalie: "What? I can't believe it! You've tested me?!"

A smile.

Natalie: "And it all looked so real! Don't frighten me like that! I really cried!"
Me: "I'm sorry."

I couldn't tell whether she really believed it or preferred to lie to herself, pretend that everything is alright. I didn't say it was a test, I only said "what if".

One thing was certain - If it were a test, she failed it.

The things she said, the way she put all the blame on me, unable to take any responsibility for her past actions - it all points to one conclusion - We are not meant to be.

It must end and it will end sooner or later, I just need to do it cautiously.

Me: "I'd never hate you if you leave me. I'll remember the good things about you - you're a wonderful girl and it's a fact. You made me happy so many times and we had so much fun together, I'll never forget that. How can I be with you forever, if when I stop loving you all hell breaks loose on me?"

Natalie: "Then don't stop loving me. =)"
Me: "Who am I to ruin your life?"
Natalie: "My love."
Me: "No one's worth ruining your life. Don't put your life in my hands."

Basically, I wanted to tell her this: Don't depend on me, don't hate me if I leave you. Move on when I do.

Natalie told me about some guy she'd met on the bus. "His name is Gal. He's a soldier from Nahal. A blonde, tall guy, very handsome. I gave him my phone number.

I was sitting in the bus listening to music when 2 soldiers approached me. They asked me what kind of music I'm listening to. One of them was Gal. I liked him more. We walked together to his home and then he asked my number."

That's good. It's painful to imagine her with another guy, but that's inevitable. I want her to be happy, to find the right guy. I really wouldn't want to break her heart and ruin her life.

Revenge is not my style. But I do believe that people who do something wrong should later regret it and learn from their mistakes, never repeating them again.

That's what punishment is for - to make people realize they did something wrong and convince them not to do it again in the future.

It might sound strange to some, but in my opinion, if a person commits a mistake and he realizes it, if he does fully regret it and will never commit it again, he doesn't need to be punished.

Let's see how things go with Artyom and Gal...

Feelings have a sense of direction

27th August, 2005

Today I finally had some free time for myself to do what I want. You miss these things once you spend all your time in the company of your partner.

Most of my time is being spent with her, and as much as I'm happy to be with her, sometimes I need a little space for myself.

We eventually met in the afternoon and went to Park Darom. The sun was setting, casting an orange haze over the endless array of buildings of Tel Aviv.

Me: "I'll miss those days. What we have here is (will be remembered) forever. I'm having a lot of fun with you, yet time takes it away from me."

It really seemed like it was going to be the last romantic event in our relationship. There was something in the atmosphere around us suggesting that the end is near.

Me: "You're a great person, Natalie, and it will be hard losing someone like you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. Your whole life is ahead of you."

I meant those words, just like I meant everything else that I've said to her. She might not have the best character in the world, but there's kindness in her soul, the kindness that I hoped would grow during our relationship and eventually change her character.

It was getting late. My mom gave her a ride home. I accompanied her. "This time I won't walk you to the front door. My mom's in a hurry and it's also easier to part that way."

Althought the reasons were sincere, there was something more to it. A crack in our relationship was expanding, threatening to tear us apart for good...

Meanwhile, I received an SMS from Angel: "Hi! Sorry if I woke you up now! Just had to think about you right now... I'm listening to your CD at the moment. I hope you are fine. :) Good night and sweet dreams! Miss you."

I replied to her sms, and I really wished to chat with her. I checked MSN a lot of times at home, but she was never online. Why do I ignore Natalie's request? I don't know...

29th August, 2005

Back in the army. A painful 5 hour drive to the base. I was tired.

This evening I was chatting with Natalie. Angel was online, in invisible mode.

How I wanted to talk to her....... I couldn't resist it.

Natalie asked me whether I talk to Angel. If I say "yes", it'd be another fight... I would hurt her and be so busy trying to sort things out that I wouldn't be able to talk to Angel at all.

Me: "No. She's not online anyway."
Natalie: "She is. Are you blind?"
Me: "I'm telling you, she's not. Maybe she's invisible."
Natalie: "She's online in my contact list."
Me: "Well... maybe she's added you to her visible list."
Natalie: "Maybe she did"

I went to bed. At around 1am someone called me and woke me up. "Who's calling me so late at night?!"

"Hello?" I answered in a rather sleepy voice.
They hung up.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then I received an SMS from Angel. I was no longer upset. :)

"Hey, sorry, I actually wanted to speak with you, but I couldn't ^^' I... Well, it was nice to hear your voice again... :) Have a good night!"

I replied to her, saying sorry for my tired voice, telling her that I missed her voice too, that even though she woke me up, it's absolutely okay. Of all the people in the world, she's allowed to do that. Besides, I usually sleep better after talking to her.

I wished her a good night and sweet dreams... after a few minutes I received another message: "Oh, I'm sorry! I can't sleep... I have to think all the time what would have happened if I have moved to you and just be a housewife or what I should do... I don't know... I miss you so much and when I was with you, I still had dreams... now I'm justl iving day by day and think about nothing. Just working and doing nothing... Is that life? Well, don't wanna bother you with my problems. ^^' So, sorry ^^' Anyway, see you online anytime. Good night!"

"I want you to be happy, Angel. You are the only true angel I know. You deserve happiness more than others. ^^ Come to me, it will be great. :)"

She replied: "Don't say that, otherwise I might really do it (come to Israel) *lol* What is hapiness? ^^ (IsraeliDiary), Do you think we'll be together one day again? .. Sorry, that's a silly question. ^^"

"We will. That's why I'm still breathing. You are my brightest future! A star that will always shine and inspire! Don't be a housewife, you have a future. Seek your talents. Gotta go sleep, talk to you later."

Angel: "Thanks. Then I'll hold on to that future either! ... (IsraeliDiary), I'm looking forward to it... :) You were, are and will always be my one and only... sleep well."

Does she really mean that? Has she realized once and for all that we are meant to be together?

30th August, 2005

Today it was my team's turn to cook dinner for the whole battery. Each week a different team has to make dinner. It's just a one-time competition for fun. A team receives 100 NIS to buy the products. A winning team gets a free day out in the north, some kind of activity.

I was making a salad in the kitchen. My mind was fully occupied with the recent events. I was thinking about how I lied to Natalie about talking to Angel, about how I flirted with Angel.

Yes, it all came from my heart, but isn't it a bit unfair towards Natalie? What should I tell her? I gotta tell her the truth..... but then I'll hurt her... Well, the truth will come out sooner or later, it better be now than later. The guilt of lying is consuming me from inside. How can I lie? I never lie to people, it's not me. How do I explain to her that I can't stop talking to Angel no matter what? Would it be unfair if I talk to Angel while I have feelings for her? It would hurt Natalie. All the talking last night... it'd make her cry! I can't hurt her... but the truth - it's got to be told. Arggghhhh!!!

I shall tell her... I'll explain everything to her... but she'll be angry and revengful!

31st August, 2005

Why is it that everytime I get a message from Angel, I read it over and over again. Sometimes I would read Natalie's too, but not as often and as thoroughly as Angel's.

Why is it that everyday something reminds me of Angel. How I love her unique smile. No one smiles the way she does. :) I feel this burning sensation in my chest whenever I recall her smile.

I can't control this! I miss her! That's when my doubts turn into reassurances. Doubts in my love to Natalie... I think I don't love her. I like being with her, I like cuddling with her, I like making out with her, I like dating her, looking at her, watching movies with her, but I don't think that I love her. I just don't know if I do. The only thing I know is that I'm not sure about this anymore.

I started thinking about how horrible it would be to lose her. She made me happy so many times! She's been a great and loving girlfriend and her life... her life is a whole world! It's really hard for me to lose a person so close to my heart. It could've been perfect had we been perfect for each other, stayed together, raised a family and realized all our dreams... but we're not meant for each other, we fight and disagree. We sometimes reach a point where we feel carelessness towards each other, coldness and hostility.

Sometimes we don't even look like we're friends, let alone a couple. Then I begin thinking how far off our relationship is from what it should be. We just don't match. After a few fights, we'd be friends again, but what then? Exactly, another fight!

Look at Angel, she's never said a bad word about me. She's never been mad at me, never insulted me with words, never meant to do me any harm, it's like she's never even thought anything negative about me. Just like me.

This is it. Tonight, after spending hours thinking it over I had decided!

It was time to talk to her and tell her everything...

What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?

1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.
2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.
7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.

He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.

Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.

After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.

Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.

2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?

After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.

We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?

Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.

Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.

I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.

Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.

At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.

Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.

A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.

16th August, 2005

Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.

Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"
Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"
Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."

Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.
I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.

I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.

24th August, 2005

I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)

I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??

So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)
I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

25th August, 2005

Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!

He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.

The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.

Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.

After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.

28th August, 2005

I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.

We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.

I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-

Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."

"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."

"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"

"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"

Then we were talking about us and our differences...

Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."

Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"

Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."

Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."

Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.

Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?

We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."

Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"

Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."

She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.

What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

* * * * *

In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.

Wrong course of action

10th August, 2005

Today I'm 2 years in the army, whohoo!

11th August, 2005

I had a chat with Natalie this evening. Everything is so perfect in our relationship right now. We exchange sweet words and... just when it seemed that things couldn't get better, she asked: "Did you talk to her (Angel)?". My attempts of changing the subject end in failure.

The thing is... We both agreed that we would stop talking to our x's. She would stop talking to Amir and I would stop chatting with Angel.

A week ago she violated the agreement. She talked to Amir. Why? She said he owed her a picture of his half naked body. WTF?! She algo gave him her own photo. When she told me that, I said I'd talk to Angel too, and so I did.

I only asked her "what's new?". She told me that she works in a hotel 11 hours a day, 5 days a week and earns only 300-400 euro per month... that's less than 2 euro per hour! She said it's part of her 3-year long apprenticeship program. It's tough. She doesn't have any time off between school and work, only a few days in July. After telling me that, she had disconnected.

Natalie was upset upon hearing my answer. She started crying and said that I ruined her mood. I regretted telling her that, or perhaps for talking to Angel. I can't lie. Even if the truth really really hurts, it's just wrong no matter how you look at it...

Natalie was so angry at Angel. She said she'd think of a way to make her life miserable. "I have contacts, I have money, I have plans! You'll see how this $#%$ $ $#@@ $# will be burning in hell! I'll make sure she regrets messing with me". Her words were so shocking that I couldn't believe it was her speaking.

Later that night when I was thinking about it all she suddenly called me. "Hello?" "I love you! I love you very very much!!! I really really love you, my dear!"

I was shocked. "wow, ummm... thanks! Listen... could you call me in a couple of minutes? I'm in the toilet right now."

Later she explained her behavior by saying that it's just one of those moods... Unfortunately, I'm afraid it was nothing more that just a temporary burst of feelings that was to go away in a matter of seconds.

12th August, 2005

This morning we had a training exercise with our howitzers. We had a short break when other teams were practicing. That's when Natalie called me all of a sudden.

Natalie: "Hi, I've got a question for you... Who's Rog?" Rog is the ICQ nickname of a friend of mine from high school. I was surprised! "How do you know him?"

Natalie: "I'm in your ICQ. Where is he?"
"What?! How did you get my ICQ list?"
"A friend of mine, Dannie, hacked into it."
She hacked into my ICQ?! WHAT THE?!
"What? How could you?! Do you know my password?"
"Of course I do."
"Really? What is it then?"
"Tell me who is Rog!"
"I'm not telling you until you tell me my password!"
"I don't know it, he just hacked into your ICQ with some program and I took (Angel)'s detalis."

I couldn't believe it! Is this the girl I've been dating for the last 4 months?! One day she's an angel, the other day she's a devil?!

How could she invade my privacy like that? How could she lie to me about the password?

I was angry at her. I told her she mustn't dare hurting Angel. Upon hearing me protecting Angel like that, she became angry and was deeply hurt. Then I told her that it's not personal, that I'd have done the same thing if anyone threatened her (Natalie).

Even if I love her, I can't see my girlfriend turning into a demon, being consumed by hatred and desire for revenge.

I warned Angel of Natalie's possible intentions. I'm sorry that it had come to this.

Natalie later told me how she cried the whole day. People kept asking her if she had an allergy, because her eyes were all watery, they didn't see her cry, so they thought it was an allergy.

At work, she yelled at her employer and his kids after being upset for the whole day.

At noon, Natalie asked me to come online. I opened the ICQ page on my cellphone but she wasn't on. Angel was online, though.

Angel was the first to write me a message. It looked suspicious, because she never writes me first. I didn't buy it! I thought it was Natalie pretending to be Angel. "Natalie, I can't believe you'd do that! It's not funny."

A minute later Natalie was online and Angel replied to me in a way that I clearly recognized her. I was wrong!

Angel said Natalie requested her permission to be added to her contact list, but Angel ignored it. She also said that she's in "invisible" mode so that Natalie can't see her online. "I'll be the first to write you, from now on. ;)" Angel wrote.

Natalie's employer harassed her again. He offered to please her sexually, saying some nasty things that a 15 year old girl wouldn't want to hear from a 40 year old man, who's not only married with kids but is also her boss at the moment.

Shachar: "You know what I think?"
Natalie: "No, I don't care what youthink."
Shachar: "You want me to tell you?"
Natalie: "No, I don't!!"
Shachar: "Why?"
Natalie: "Because I don't wanna talk about such things with you, do you understand?"

By the evening we became friends again. She was sorry for invading my privacy.

As I was lying in my bed, I imagined Angel and felt something deep in my heart. However, when I imagined Natalie in my mind, I barely felt a thing. I don't know why...

Maybe it's because I miss Angel a lot. Or is it because she's the one I truly love? What if I were in the opposite situation - being with Natalie for 2 years and dating Angel for 4 months. Would I feel more for Natalie then?

Natalie says she loves me very much... that she'll be willing to take any rational or irrational action to make sure that I stay with her and keep loving her. "Why can't you compromise everything that you have for the sake of our relationship? It means that you don't love me enough. If you protect this $#*@ (she refers to Angel) it only proves that you have feelings for her."

Maybe I do, but I love YOU, Natalie. Yet, the things that you do make me love you much less. These actions of revenge, of hatred reveal your negative side. If you want me to stay with you, you should know that your current actions only give the opposite result.

My best friend Daniel wanted to add a post of his own to my diary. I don't let him or anyone else read my diary, but if they want to share their thoughts then are welcome to write too.

(Untouched. Only added some commas and censored the names.)
"This entry is filled with contents by... Me! (Daniel). Basically I asked IsraeliDiary to write in it, so here goes..

Anyway, today consisted of a few main activities. I drove the cannon today to our alternative firing spot. It was fun as usual, since I hate driving, but I heard that our crewmen got hit by falling, non-secured projectiles because I got reckless with my driving.

After the training was behind us, IsraeliDiary told me that Natalie had cut her wrist veins just for the fun of it. Yes, I was shocked at the moment, but he said that something similar happened a while ago and I wondered if this girl is normal.

I suddenly realize that my handwriting is ugly and I'll make an effort to write nice on the next phrases.

I don't know about IsraeliDiary, but I think he should have told Natalie that it hurts him too, to hear that his girlfriend is doing insane actions on herself. I hope she will understand that this sort of things kick the shit out of him and if I'm worried about her, I can't imagine what IsraeliDiary feels.

But f**k it. I don't need to get in their affairs. It's their business and f**k it even if she jumps off the Azrieli towers.

At afterdark, we went to play some soccer and usually we lost (because of me, duhhh) but we did win once and we had the spirit. It was nice but I still prefer ping-pong, where I won already two players. (I still s**k, but luckily I beat them: IsraeliDiary is easy prey, but Drori is my league. I'll practice on him more.

The guitar is proceeding slowly and everything quiet at home so this is me signing off...

Goodbye cruel world!!! Nah... never mind, good night."

(I don't remember what day it happened but...)
Natalie had cut her wrist and accidentally cut her vein along with it. The blood wouldn't stop flowing and I was about to panic! I quickly ran to our medic and asked for advice. Eventually, she poured some alcohol on the injury and covered it with a plaster, the bleeding stopped.

Why did she cut herself? Her explanation was simple: She just felt like doing it. She used to cut herself before too, but I hoped that she'd stopped. This isn't normal! For whatever reasons she did that, it must never happen again.

Fine moments that bring us closer together

24th July, 2005


I was sitting in my room when Michael, my officer, entered and called me out for a talk. He told me I was chosen to represent our battery in an interview tomorrow by the Russian-Israeli television NTV. They'll interview our battery commander and a few other soldiers as well.

I called my family and friends and notified them about it.

25th July, 2005

The interview has been eventually cancelled.

I talked to Angel today. I missed her so much!

I told her about everything, including how I feel for her and about Natalie's demand that we stop communicating. She said I could either talk to her in secret, without letting Natalie know, or we could do as she says.

"If I don't be with Natalie in a year from now, would you want us to be together?" "Yes, I do."

No, I don't intend to break up with Natalie, I'm just considering all the possibilities here.

After this conversation I realized that I can't just walk away from Angel. Natalie didn't want to hear about it... "It's either me or her!" After a while we reached an agreement: I explained her of the situation, meaning I can't give Angel up unless I have a guarantee that we'll be together until the end. If we keep fighting like that and I leave Angel, I'll end up losing you both.

I told her she should go to northern Tel Aviv and meet those rich guys that Shachar was talking about, to find out what she really wants. I agreed to stop communication with Angel in case she agrees to go with it until the end.

29th July, 2005

Angel showed up online. I didn't talk to her. She didn't start talking to me either.
Meanwhile, my relationship with Natalie was improving...

1st August, 2005

Natalie doesn't feel anything for Amir anymore. Today he's coming over to her place for a few hours. She says she loves me very very much and promises that she would restrain herself around Amir.

Fine, let them meet...

The result is... They sat in her room for a while and chatted. There was one moment that their lips met, but then she thought of me and pushed him away. Afterwards, they visited the Azrieli towers. In a deserted corridor leading to the restrooms they stood, facing each other.

Amir: "Can I kiss you."
Natalie: "I don't know." (?!)
Amir: "Well... can I?"

She explained this by saying the she didn't want to upset him by saying "no". Instead, she leaned ahead and kissed him lightly on the lips, smiling. It seems she still has some feelings for him, but clearly less.

3rd August, 2005

She arrived to my place, meeting me downstairs. "Where's the warm hug that I so greatly deserve?" I hugged her from behind, kissing her cheeks, the sweet sensation, the smell of her hair, feelings that I can't really describe.

5th August, 2005

We agreed to meet at her place this morning at 10:30am, then take our bikes and travel around Tel Aviv, crossing the whole Ha-Yarkon park and proceeding down to the beach.

I was getting late. Arrived at 10:50am to her place, only to find out that she hadn't even woke up. It took her a looong time to get ready. Girls...

At 12:30pm we set out on a long journey. Riding the bycicle with her was a lot of fun. The windy weather and the beautiful park have only contributed to the wonderful atmosphere.

In the middle of the park there's a small lake where boats can be rented. It was a great idea of hers. We took a boat and spent an hour at the lake. The sun was setting. It was so quiet and peaceful.

"In 30 years from now, you'd come here to this very place and see that nothing here has changed. But at the same time, nothing would be the same as before. The leaves, falling from the trees would remind you of your youth, times that you cannot bring back, great times. You would shed a tear, wishing you could experience it all again. So enjoy it now as much as possible."

That wasn't very encouraging, but she remembered those words...

We proceeded to the beach heading far into the south, until we've reached the mall on Allenby st. next to the fountains. We went up to the top floor and ordered food in a restaurant-bar the name of which I couldn't qutie recall. The food was awful. It came in small quantities in contrast to its price.

On our way back home, we saw a lot of police cars patrolling around. Natalie said it's because of a high drug-sale activity in this area. She used to volunteer in the national guard a year ago, that's how she knows it. Her brother volunteers in the police.

She says he worked in Jaffo - a part of southern Tel Aviv, inhabited mostly by Israeli Arabs. I told her about the cops I met in roadblocks. She says her brother is no less racist than them. Great! Dad's a stalinist, mom's his executive dictator and her brother is a racist cop. Hmm... If I marry her one day, that will be my family? *chills* Poor Natalie... :(

6th August, 2005

My dad booked a room in the hotel "Sun" in Bat Yam for me and Natalie. We took a cab over there at 12pm. The hotel looked very nice.

I approached the reception desk and asked for the key registered on my name. The receptionist looked for it and didn't find any rooms booked on my name. I called my dad and he talked to the woman at the desk. It turns out he booked a room from a different receptionist who worked here yesterday. After 2 minutes of hearing him yelling at her, she opened a drawer and found it.

I pitied the woman. Judging by the look on her pale face, this call had ruined her day. :(

She gave me 2 keys - room 301 and 404, to choose which one would be more suitable for us. Room 512, which was originally booked for us has already been taken by someone else. It's alright, mistakes happen.

Room 301 faced the swimming pool and the sea. The other one faced a deserted tennis and soccer courts and a big pile of garbage, just outside the hotel.

We really had a great time together. We ate at a Japenese-Chinese restaurant. The food was great. This time the meal was big enough to feed 4 people and the price was the same.

The waiter that served us was a cute Russian 20+ girl who reminded me of Lena, my step-cousin. I gave her a relatively big tip - 20NIS. But that's not only because she was cute, I just didn't have any coins. =)

The swimming pool closed down at 7pm, so we went to the sea instead. The water wasn't cold. It looked like it was Natalie's first swimming experience. She seeked refuge in my arms with every incoming wave. She screamed often, but in overall I think she enjoyed swimming with me.

We layed down on the sand, watching the sun sink in the horizon, painting the sky in pink and red.

We kissed. She told me how much she enjoys spending time with me. She wanted to spend the night here with me, since we have to be checked out tomorrow morning, but her parents had forbid her.

The sun was setting down fast, as they were arguing and shouting over the phone. She hung up several times, unable to listen to her parents much longer. For the next 10 minutes she was crying and there was nothing I could to help. It was only later that I was able to comfort her and help her deal with whatever her parents had said.

Her mother wanted to speak to me. She said that she wants to see her daughter back home by 10pm, that I'm in charge and therefore I shouldn't surrender to Natalie's pleads, that our stay wasn't planned to extend until tomorrow morning and that we're not a married couple to do such things. (Are you kidding me? I have to be married in order to her to spend a night with her alone?!)

It would have been pointless arguing with her.

My dad picked us up at 9pm and brought us to her place. I'd been thinking about her on my way home.

I love her so much. It's been so great together...

7th August, 2005

We spent some time at my place. After her work, we'd met at the entrance to the mall in Givataim. I was late, but to my surprise she wasn't mad at me. It's usually easy to upset her.

We went to the cinema and watched "Sky high", it was an average movie. I walked her home and it was time for us to part. Tomorrow I'm back in the army again.

It was hard. She didn't want to get inside the elevator. I held her tight and when I started leaving, I saw her standing there with tears in her eyes. I couldn't go... I ran back and held her tighter, kissing her passionately. Tears were now all over our faces. It was getting even more difficult for us to part.

I had to let her go... for now.

She entered the elevator. The time slowed down... We were looking at each other as the door slowly closed down between us.

A single moment later I felt a wave of melancholy surge through my body. I felt pain in my chest. Why is it so hard to part? The thought of not seeing her again for 16 days... My eyes were becoming watery.

Natalie!!! I don't wanna fight with you anymore.

Is it always up to me? Can I control it?

Making the right choice? Only time will tell

18th July, 2005

As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.

It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.

I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.

When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.

At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.

He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.

By the evening we were back to the base.

19th July, 2005

We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.

As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"

21st July, 2005

We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.

In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.

She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?

She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.

After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.

Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.

Break up for 1 month? And then what?!

16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!

Things will change, I'm sure of that.

It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!

I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.

I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.

22nd July, 2005

Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.

"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."

The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.

I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....

"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."

"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."

Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."

Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)

I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.

Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.

The Presentation

2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.

The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.

Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...
More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."
She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."

(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)

During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...

The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...

I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."

She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.

"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!

On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."

On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:

There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.

She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.

So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?

What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.

Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.

In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?

Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...

Back at home for 5 days

13th July, 2005

4 months have passed. A wave of new soldiers arrive, some young soldiers leave for commander's course, the oldest soldiers of Aug '02 get released from the army, new commanders and officers. A lot of changes, especially this time.

Yesterday evening, Matan told us he's leaving. He's going to be a desk-worker commander at the headquarters of our regiment. A new commander, a year younger than me is supposed to replace him. 2 other commanders in the battery will be replaced by fresh Aug '04 arrivals. 2 new officers will join our battery. Even our battery's commander is getting replaced.

Soldiers of Nov '04, who've just finished their advanced training, are supposed to come on 17th. When they join the battery I will no longer have to guard at the base. There'll be enough soldiers younger than me to guard everyday.

2 soldiers from my team are leaving. One of them is getting released from the army due to personal issues after having a conversation with our regiment's psychiatrist, the other one is going to be a desk worker, he's lowered his profile and is going to serve close to his home, due to some serious problems in the family.

Ravit is leaving us too. Everybody hates her and are happy she's leaving. Not me. I like her and admire her for her achievements in the battery. She volunteered to serve 3 years in the army, she worked hard and became a commander.

Even though girls in artillery corps can only be assigned as responsible for sending out coordinates (rather than carrying 43kg shells), she's done some hard work, dealing with everything professionally, helping out and staying late.

I'm sure it wasn't easy at all to be the only female commander in the battery. It looked like the whole battery was physically attracted to her. What about her character? I guess only her team and the other commanders know her real character, if at all. Everybody hates her for being so professional, for never being off guard. She was doing everything by the book and there's nothing that soldiers hate more than commanders who do everything by the book.

I don't know where she gets all that strength and I wonder how she's like in real life, off duty.

Today I'm released home. That means that when I go back, I won't recognize my battery. So many changes...


* * * * *

The demons are now gone. The clouds have dispersed. When I'm back from the army, all my troubles disappear. My relationship with Natalie only blossoms.

I have celebrated my birthday at a park, inviting all of my relatives. Natalie was there too. She felt uncomfortable around so many strangers and wanted me to spend most of the time with her.

On one hand I felt uncomfortable leaving her on her own, on the other hand I felt it was wrong to ditch my whole family whom I haven't seen for at least a year.

I ended up spending with her most of the day, giving her full attention. I didn't feel good about it.

Before the park, she gave me her birthday gifts. It was a red, heart shaped cushion and a small book of love sayings. Oh Natalie! She does it every time, she melts my heart. As I write this (in my diary), I wanna hug her again! It was a good day for me. =)

On the next day I received a notice on my cellphone. It was Matan. He asked that I come to a hospital in Petah-Tikva tomorrow. All the soldiers who were released home had been called up to volunteer in a certain activity, to make IDF look friendly.

We don't have any problems with volunteering and doing something good for Israeli citizens. But when you're forced to do it, and when it's being done on the very few days that you get to be home after being stuck for half a month in the army, it's a totally different story!

Some guys had to come all the way from Haifa or Beer Sheva just for a few hours. The whole day was wasted for them.

It was our last day at home. We all met at Schneider hospital at 12:30pm. When everyone arrived, we walked a short distance to a kindergarden nearby. It was a special kindergarden for autistic children. We were split to 2 teams. One would paint the kindergarden, the other would play with children.

I chose playing with the children. There was a kid whose name is Or, he's 5 years old and he already knows gimatry (numerical value of letters). He knows English, he knows how to spell words right, he can translate certain words from Hebrew to English. At age 5 he knows multiplication. When he grows up he's going to be the next Einstein!

There was another kid, her name's Sarah. She likes hugging people. She came to me, hugged me tight and sat on my laps.

She was so happy. I was so shocked

The caretakers told her not to touch people, but she would walk around and touch soldiers. It really looked like she enjoyed doing it.

I met Natalie in the evening. We went to the beach and ordered a pizza at the restaurant.

When she walked to the bathroom, I saw that guy who was selling roses. I called him up and I bought one. I thought it was my opportunity to make it up for the last time, when I didn't have enough cash in my wallet to buy her a rose.

I wanted to surprise her. I hid the rose under the table. When she came back from the bathroom I handed it to her. It made her very happy. Her smile was definitely worth the 20 shekels.

After dinner we sat on a bench facing the sea, spending the last minutes talking about life, hugging and kissing.

It was time to go home. We called a cab.

It is when we part that she shows me how much she loves me. She kept begging me to stay. She almost cried. I asked her not to think about it. Time will pass by fast, it's alright.

The first few minutes without her are always the hardest, realizing that I'm not going to see her for a long time. One minute you're having a great time with your girlfriend, the other minute you're back at the army.

Soon the demons will come out again. They will attempt to destroy our relationship. What will happen this time, I wonder... She still haven't told me that one secret that, according to her words, would make me break up with her.

As much as I don't wanna break up with her, I want to know the truth. I can always lie to myself and pretend that everything is perfect. But how many lies can I keep telling myself?

Mixed feelings and unstable relationships

3rd July, 2005

Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."

Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?

After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.

"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."

She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.

It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!

I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.

There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.

How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!

"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."

"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."

Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.

I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.

Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.

This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"

Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!

She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."

At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."

She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.

Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".

4th July, 2005

I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.

Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?

She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.

"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."

What?!

She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.

"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.

She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.

My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.

"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."

I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.

How could she do this? What was she thinking?!

"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."

She agreed.

Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.

When I talked to her again, I still had questions...

"How long have you kissed?"

S-H-O-C-K!

A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!

"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!

How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?

My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?

The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?

"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.

I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.

I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.


* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.

This is getting nowhere.

This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)

She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."

Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.

I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.

It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.

Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."

She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?

This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.

Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.

Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.

I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.

I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.

What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.

Welcome to the Northern border

28th June, 2005

If only I knew how hard this day was going to be, I'd have wished that I didn't wake up.

7:00-9:00 - Morning duties - Base cleaning? Not good enough. Punishment: Repeat at 12am.
10:00-13:00 - Guarding at the bunker.
13:00-13:30 - Lunch break.
13:30 - 17:45 - Reforming the whole base - moving stuff from one place to another, weeding, general cleaning and doing other things in preparation for the incoming VIPs. Minister of defense Shaul Mofaz, major general Dan Halutz and major general Benny Gantz.

Working in this heat made us very tired.

The press came - channels 10, 11 and 22, newspaper and radio journalists. Supervised by security officers, the military chiefs entered our briefing hall.

Each one of them spoke to us on his turn. They've said that we are currently the primary force in the northern border, the first to respond to Hezbollah's attacks in this region. Benny Gantz said that it is likely that we will engage in artillery fire during our stay here, and that the enemy may fire back on us. Mofaz said that he counts on us, that we look like good soldiers and an excellent regiment. During the upcoming Gaza strip's disengagement, it is most probable that Hezbollah would attempt to escalate the tensions in the northern border.
















After the speechs they've asked us some questions. Then we had the opportunity to ask them.

One of my friends had asked Shaul Mofaz something about IDF's intel, giving him precise numbers and detailed explanation. Shaul Mofaz was quite impressed. He said that even he didn't know these details and then he offered my friend to become an officer. My friend thanked him but rejected the offer.

Benny gave us a few minutes to make a run to our howitzers and get ready to fire. Although we were located on the northern border, we could still turn our cannons 180 degrees and fire at military training fields in Israel.

On Benny's signal, we all took our m16's and ran as fast as we could. The 3 VIPs, accompanied by the press came by to watch us in action.

After a short whlie, they all left. Not an hour later, we were informed that there was some shooting at the northern border, in a base located on mount Hermon.

On the next hour we received an update - it was 2 soldiers who fired at the shooting range without proper orders and without informing anybody. False alarm...






























It was around 8:30pm when we were called to the dining room for dinner. Filling my dish with fresh food, there was no better time for us to have some rest and eat some quality food.

As I was looking for a free table to sit, a loud voice announced: "Red alert! Red alert!"

There was a split-second that dozens of soldiers, sitting at the dining room were literally frozen in their seats. Then, everyone suddenly jumped up and started running out of the dining room as fast as they could. Food was flying in the air, chairs were being thrown down, causing some guys to stumble. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before!

(the exact words weren't really "Red alert" as you might guess, but it doesn't matter)

We were all in our howitzers ready for orders. Within the next minute, we were informed why we were here. A group of 5 armed subjects have crossed the blue line (the Israeli-Lebanese border) and are very close to one of Israel's forward-most bases. Special forces have set an ambush and were waiting for them to come.

We were sitting in our howitzers until 12:20am. Then some of the teams were released to their rooms, whle others stayed inside the vehicles in full military readiness.

While still wearing military uniform and boots, they had to sleep either next to the vehicles, or inside them. Dinner was brought outside - it was nothing but a chocolate drink "shoko" and 2 slices of watermelon for each one. The rest of the food was thrown away. Why?!

I went to my room and fell asleep... but 20 minutes later, one of the soldiers woke me up and told me that it was my turn to guard, from 1am until 4am. Thanks to the internet on my cellphone, I didn't fall asleep. After over 1.8 years in the army, I was no longer supposed to guard at night, but talking to the sergeant in charge didn't help. He said there weren't enough soldiers, that those who are in their vehicles could not guard.

At 4:30 I could finally asleep... until 6am. Matan woke us up and told us to come to our howitzer to sleep there. It was our turn to be in readiness. As much as I was tired, lying down on rocks in the light of the rising sun, I couldn't fall asleep.

29th June, 2005

A massive demonstration was about to take place in Israel. Thousands of settlers and their supporters would go out in the streets and block the roads. Some of our soldiers support the settlers, but as soldiers we are taught to put politics aside. We can discuss it with each other (not in public), but in the end we have to follow orders.

2 teams were going to be released home today. They all dressed up in their A-type uniforms, when the alarm sounded again. Everyone ran to their vehicles. We received a report that Hezbollah has attacked a base on mount Dov. My team was the first to be ready. We fired 4 shells for ranging calculations. The rest of the teams joined us later and fired shells on different targets across mount Dov.

The excitement was huge. A few cars with reporters and cameramen have gathered behind our base on the road uphill.

The 2 teams who were supposed to go home today had to forget about it. The bus didn't arrive at all.

They joined us, carrying shells and preparing the ammunition while still wearing their clean A-type uniforms.
















Smoke was rising all over mount Dov. Hezbollah's mortar fire was quite massive. We could hear mortars falling non-stop one after the other. There were quiet moments sometimes, but most of the time the fighting was intense.

As a navigator, I was partially in charge of our howitzer's accuracy. It was tense, but fun nevertheless. The other teams fired most of the shells.

When we didn't have a firing objective, I opened up the news page on my cellphone and saw a picture of us firing. News travels fast, huh?































We saw a smoke rising near the city of Kiryat Shmona. All its citizens were asked to enter bombing shelters. In the end, it was a rocket that accidentally fell from an Israeli jet.

An hour later, IDF's special forces have located a Hezbollah's squad of militants who were on their way to infiltrate an Israeli base (to kill and kidnap soldiers). They opened fire on them. The militants returned fire and injured one of the soldiers. It was a doctor. As he was bleeding, he instructed the others how to treat him.

My team fired 3 smoke shells to cover their retreat. They were successfully evacuated by a helicopter. We could see a giant smoke rising up on top of the mountain. It had the form of a mushroom. This was photographed by reporters and was all over the newspapers the following day. They also showed us on the news the same evening. Everybody'd call their friends and family to turn on the TV and watch news.

Hezbollah had inflicted a direct hit on one of Israeli front bases. As a result, 1 soldier was killed and 2 others were lightly wounded. The Israeli air force bombed various Hezbollah targets in Lebanon - that's what the newspapers reported, barely mentioning us, the artillery.

By 9:30pm we were free to go and get some rest. I called Natalie. I informed her earlier that I was going to be on the news, but her brother didn't let her watch TV. She gets so upset because of her family and told me her parents always enslave her, yell at her and tell her how useless and stupid she is. They even said that they regret that she was ever born! How could normal parents say such things?! I can't believe this!

"What's the point of living? perhaps there's a better life for me on the other side. Nobody needs me. I can easily commit a suicide and end it all. I didn't fear cutting myself, I once even cut myself very close to he vein."

I told her that I really need her, that she's important to me and many other people. I know, nothing is compared to the love of a family. Everybody should have loving parents. Parents who don't love their children, don't deserve to have any children in the first place. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for children whose parents don't show them any love. It is ten times worse if parents tell their children they hate them and regret they were ever born.

Natalie deserves so much more than that. I wish there was something I could do for her. But apart from supporting her, being there and listening to her, I cannot do much. I can't interfere in their family problems.

But I can't keep seeing her like this, being torn apart, listening to her hopeless, pain-bearing voice and unable to do anything about it. At these moments, I'm willing to give up anything just to see her happy, to make all of her problems disappear.

I know that when I finish the army, everything is going to be so much better.

She says she doesn't commit suicide because of me. Angel once said the same.

I could hear her father in the background yelling at her... then he snatched the phone and hung up!

I called her again later. She kept telling me about all the terrible things her mother had said to her. How her brother once hit her in the stomach and that her dad thinks she's a failure. Could it be that she exaggerates? Maybe she's just having a bad mood and feels like the whole world hates her?

Is it possible that you misinterpret your folks? That was stupid of me to ask. Instead of supporting her, I'm being objective on this? She wanted to tell me some things, but changed her mind. She said she'd tell such things to Amir because he could really hear her out, support and comfort her, unlike me. Sigh. She had to go. She hung up.

It really hurt me to hear her say that. I can't make her happy whenever she's down, but Amir can?

I agree that there should always be a good friend to whom you could tell everything, someone who will always support you no matter what, but I also think that there should be no secrets or unknown details between two people who love each other. Hiding information from each other eventually form a base of misunderstandings and conflicts of various kinds.

We should be like one soul, aware of each other's joy and pain.

"Don't you ever hesitate to hurt me and tell me the whole truth, for it would hurt much more if you do"

12:30am - We went to bed after finishing some work on our howitzers.
2:30am - We were called up again. Special forces have set up an ambush. We had to be in full readiness and back them up, provide some cover if needed.
4:10am - We were released to bed.
6am - We were called up again to stay and sleep near the howitzers.
7:00am - Guarding duties.
8:30am - Military readiness, again.
10am - Special forces saw 2 gunmen approach them. They opened fire and hit one of them.

2nd July, 2005

Lucky for us, things have calmed down by Firday. On Saturday, we finally had some rest. I watched some movies, slept well at night and had a talk with Natalie.

She's so sweet! With each passing day I miss her more and more. It's so pleasant to hear her angelic voice, to hear her giggle.

Our relationship seems to be so perfect, yet there's always something that ruins it. The first incident was with Amir, her x-boyfriend. She met him and they've kissed... for a second. The 2nd incident was not less disturbing - Vadim is just some guy Natalie's been chatting with. One time they turned their webcams on and he started to masturbate in front of the camera. He asked her to take off her shirt to turn him on and she did. There was a bra underneath, but still! Not only did she watch him with interest, but she had also partially cooperated with him.

This has got to stop. It hurts me too much. She's always close to cheating on me, but I know that she wouldn't do something like that, would she?

Even if I feel like I'm madly in love with her, even if I'd love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life, I still can't live with betrayal.

I don't think that she could cheat on me, but I can't be sure. I'm afraid to be wrong.

I need her to reassure me, to promise me that it'll never happen. Natalie, my sweetheart, please...

Angel's left me to enjoy the freedom in the remaining 1.6 years in the army, to meet other girls and experience diffrent things in life. She'd also considered breaking up with me in that way. Perhaps it's the best way to break up with somebody in a long distance relationship without really hurting him too much... by doing it gradually.

She says she misses me, that she enjoys talking to me. I'm her best friend. She's mine too. It shouldn't be this way.. Natalie should be my best friend, and I'm hers.

I hope that we'll make a perfect couple one day. I don't give up her so easily. She's a potential human perfection.