Making the right choice? Only time will tell

18th July, 2005

As I was on my way north, I saw dozens of cars with orange stripes and a few with blue ones. The orange stripes signified support for Gaza strip settlers and the blue ones signified support for Ariel Sharon's plan to withdraw from the strip and evacuate the settlements.

It made me think how easy it is to start a civil war in a country - find a problem over which the nation has a commonly divided opinion and let the government take sides. If the issue is so important that people aren't willing to compromise over it, they would go as far as killing everyone who opposes them.

I doubt it would go that far in this case, though.

When I arrived to Kiryat Shmona, we had a 2-day trip of sorts. We were taken to kibbutz Dan where we attended a museum of stuffed animals and were shown a short movie about the history of the Houla valley. Afterwards, the minibus driver dropped us some 5km down the road. We had to walk all the way to the kibbutz of Maayan Baruh with our heavy bags in the heating sun. Nobody had any water with him.

At Maayan Baruh an old man gave us a tour around his museum of prehistory. He claimed that he possessed certain antique artifacts that could not be found anywhere else in the world. For example, he showed us bones of what he claims to be the oldest dog ever found on earth.

He showed me and my friend how to play an old game of stones. It's quite an interesting game actually, but it's hard to believe that prehistorical people used to play it back then.

By the evening we were back to the base.

19th July, 2005

We were taken to "Hagoshrim" where we sailed on kayaks down the river of Dan. Me and Daniel got ahead of everyone else, though nobody bothered competing with us. We were the first to finish the track, within 15 minutes. We just sat there and waited for the rest, but nobody came. An hour later they all arrived. Apparently, they took their time to enjoy kayaking and drowning each other in the water. Hmm.. well, we had fun too.

As we were waiting for the rest of the guys to join us, a group of American tourists have arrived. They finished sailing and got off the boat as one of the resort's workers pulled it up and loaded it onto the truck. Another boat carried an Israeli family. One of them was a young girl with a tight, pink bikini. Within less than a minute I could hear the workers behind me start talking about her. I'd have settled for a "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?" but what they've said quite disgusted me. I imagine how unpleasant it'd be if I hear someone talk that way about Natalie. They said: "Wouldn't you want her to s**k your ****?"

21st July, 2005

We had a lot of work today, a lot of training, guarding and cleaning with some briefing and jogging.

In between, I had a rather unpleasant phone talk with Natalie. One of the things that she told me concerned my relationship with Angel. She repeatedly cursed her and asked me to break any contact with her.

She's a few thousand miles away and I'm here with you, Natalie. What about you and Amir?

She said that distance doesn't keep me from being emotionally attached to Angel, that my relationship with her is a long and serious one, unlike her and Amir's.

After jogging, I returned to my room and checked up my cellphone: 9 missed calls from Natalie. What's up? Within less than a minute she called me again.

Shachar, her employer, advised her to break up with me. She wants to break up temporarily, says that I'm constantly on her mind, that it's too much and she doesn't want to feel like she depends on me.

Break up for 1 month? And then what?!

16 days in the army without her, then 5 days at home without her, then another 16 days in the army without her. I don't think I can be without her that long!

Things will change, I'm sure of that.

It is crazy how one day you're deeply loved by someone and you mean everything in the world to that person and the other day, this person no longer has any feelings towards you, no longer cares about you. Your words will never again touch his/her heart. It's like the person has been brainwashed... or more accurately - heartwashed!

I hope that she won't stop loving me. I know she won't be able to live without me... the further she gets away, the more she'll miss me and love me.

I'm sure things will change, they have to. It's just a bad day. It's going to be alright tomorrow. Good night. For now.

22nd July, 2005

Shachar told Natalie that she shouldn't waste time on me. She should dump me right away.

"Why?" "Because with a beauty and intelligence like yours you can reach the highest summits. You can afford yourself a rich guy who'll spoil you." "What happens after I dump him?" "You wait for my instructions."

The next day she told him she dumped me. He said he'd take her to some fancy clubs, parks and restaurant in northern Tel Aviv where she'd meet rich guys that suit her beauty.

I remember her telling me that she wants to marry a rich guy. She admitted being materialistic but then added that love comes first. Then she ruined it: "sometimes though... money is more important." Right....

"You can go and meet those guys and see for yourself that it's not quite the way you imagine it. Most of them would only use you in bed. Besides, rich guys are usually greedy."

"In any way, I can't marry a wallet. I need somebody I could love, who would love me back and that is you."

Later in the afternoon I connected to ICQ on my cellphone and we chatted. I told her that in the end, all I was is for her to be happy. I'd give up everything so that we'll have an ideal relationship. She asked me to change a few things in my behavior: "I want you to run after me, to show me more care. For example, call me more often. I'd like you to be more open with me, to share everything, to be calm, not aggressive."

Will do! =) (I'm usually a very calm guy. Maybe upset sometimes, but certainly not aggressive. Looking back at these events I can't remember when was the last time I'd been aggressive.)

I've a real hope that this relationship will get better. I asked her to show me more care, to be more romantic, emotional, to share everything with me. No secrets. I also asked her to stop cursing me, to respect me and understand my point of view.

Tonight I've felt a real change. I talk to her very calmly. Almost every sentence includes words like "my love" "honey" "sweetheart". She's become a bit more romantic, but she still inserts sarcasm into our dialogue that somehow ruins the whole romantic atmosphere.

The Presentation

2 weeks ago I had a chat with Angel. She told me she was preparing a power point presentation which she'd send me later. On 13th I met her online and she sent me that presentation. It was a short one, 6 slides. It showed pictures of our favourite Anime serie Love Hina (which was one the main factors in our special relationship), pictures of Regensburg, pictures of us together and a sunset. Text shown in the presentation was expressing her emotions, something that touched the very depth of my heart, where my feelings for Angel lay buried for the last few months.

The last slide was a picture of Japan. "You promised me to take me there. I miss you." It said.

Yes, the very promise that meant so much for the two of us...
More than 2 years ago, I've said the words: "One day, you and I will travel together to Japan."
She replied: "Yes, that's a promise."

(I took the idea from our favourite series - Love Hina. In the series, the guy, still in his early childhood years, promised the girl that when they get older, they'll both study in Tokyo university together. When he got older, he did his best to realize that dream...)

During my birthday, I told Natalie about that presentation. I can't quite remember why I did that, but I definitely didn't expect such consequences...

The same evening I found her sitting at my PC, scrolling through Angel's pictures. She asked me to show her the presentation, her eyes were filled with tears. "Why? Why do you do this? You don't have to see all this. I don't love her anymore, it's in the past!" But she insisted...

I showed her the presentation. She expected it to be longer. From that moment on, she felt real hatred towards Angel. "She loves you and wants you back. How could she write you such things when she knows that you have somebody else? No matter how hard I'd try, I'd still hate her."

She said a lot of bad things about Angel and it made me feel very uneasy. It's not the first time that we have a fight because of my relations with Angel.

"She's just a good friend. That's all!" I tried to reassure her, but she insisted that I choose - either it's her or Angel. How can I stop talking to Angel and completely forget about her?!

On 18th I talked to Angel and asked her a direct question: "Do you love me?" She replied: "Yes, I do."

On 22nd I was guarding at the bunker, having the time to think about it all:

There won't be any serious relationship with Natalie if Angel stays in my heart. Natalie will always feel jealous and uneasy everytime I talk with Angel. We'll fight and be upset about it. She said she'd finally let go of Amir, completely. She has no feeling for the guy anymore. But Angel... the one I've been with for 2 years, an innocent, eternally peaceful girl with whom I have so much in common.

She might have cut her hair short, put on some spiked goth bracelets and a black make up around her eyes - a huge difference between what she used to be when we were together, but still... We never even had a single fight... not that we've dated that much. We still have promises to keep, dreams of a bright and joint future. She's like an unseparable part of me... but I currently love Natalie, and for love I'd go as far as it takes me, I'd give up everything. To have a real strong relationship you need to make some very painful concessions and there will be no turning back.

So... shall I let go of Angel - my best friend and x-girlfriend?

What if there's a chance to be with her in 2006 just like we dreamed? It could be a happy ending. My relationship with Angel has a huge potential if we end up being together. Our characters seem to match. It could be so perfect! Or am I living in a bubble here? Can there be something like that? For 2 years I've been trying to prove that it's possible.

Anyway, I told Natalie that I'd be willing to give Angel up for the sake of our relationship.

In the next few days I was reminded of Angel in different ways. Was it simply a chain of strange coincidences, or maybe I just really miss her?

Somehow, I have the feeling that the final word hasn't yet been said...

Mixed feelings and unstable relationships

3rd July, 2005

Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."

Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?

After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.

"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."

She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.

It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!

I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.

There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.

How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!

"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."

"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."

Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.

I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.

Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.

This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"

Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!

She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."

At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."

She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.

Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".

4th July, 2005

I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.

Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?

She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.

"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."

What?!

She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.

"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.

She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.

My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.

"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."

I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.

How could she do this? What was she thinking?!

"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."

She agreed.

Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.

When I talked to her again, I still had questions...

"How long have you kissed?"

S-H-O-C-K!

A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!

"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!

How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?

My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?

The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?

"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.

I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.

I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.


* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.

This is getting nowhere.

This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)

She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."

Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.

I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.

It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.

Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."

She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?

This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.

Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.

Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.

I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.

I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.

What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.