Wrong course of action

10th August, 2005

Today I'm 2 years in the army, whohoo!

11th August, 2005

I had a chat with Natalie this evening. Everything is so perfect in our relationship right now. We exchange sweet words and... just when it seemed that things couldn't get better, she asked: "Did you talk to her (Angel)?". My attempts of changing the subject end in failure.

The thing is... We both agreed that we would stop talking to our x's. She would stop talking to Amir and I would stop chatting with Angel.

A week ago she violated the agreement. She talked to Amir. Why? She said he owed her a picture of his half naked body. WTF?! She algo gave him her own photo. When she told me that, I said I'd talk to Angel too, and so I did.

I only asked her "what's new?". She told me that she works in a hotel 11 hours a day, 5 days a week and earns only 300-400 euro per month... that's less than 2 euro per hour! She said it's part of her 3-year long apprenticeship program. It's tough. She doesn't have any time off between school and work, only a few days in July. After telling me that, she had disconnected.

Natalie was upset upon hearing my answer. She started crying and said that I ruined her mood. I regretted telling her that, or perhaps for talking to Angel. I can't lie. Even if the truth really really hurts, it's just wrong no matter how you look at it...

Natalie was so angry at Angel. She said she'd think of a way to make her life miserable. "I have contacts, I have money, I have plans! You'll see how this $#%$ $ $#@@ $# will be burning in hell! I'll make sure she regrets messing with me". Her words were so shocking that I couldn't believe it was her speaking.

Later that night when I was thinking about it all she suddenly called me. "Hello?" "I love you! I love you very very much!!! I really really love you, my dear!"

I was shocked. "wow, ummm... thanks! Listen... could you call me in a couple of minutes? I'm in the toilet right now."

Later she explained her behavior by saying that it's just one of those moods... Unfortunately, I'm afraid it was nothing more that just a temporary burst of feelings that was to go away in a matter of seconds.

12th August, 2005

This morning we had a training exercise with our howitzers. We had a short break when other teams were practicing. That's when Natalie called me all of a sudden.

Natalie: "Hi, I've got a question for you... Who's Rog?" Rog is the ICQ nickname of a friend of mine from high school. I was surprised! "How do you know him?"

Natalie: "I'm in your ICQ. Where is he?"
"What?! How did you get my ICQ list?"
"A friend of mine, Dannie, hacked into it."
She hacked into my ICQ?! WHAT THE?!
"What? How could you?! Do you know my password?"
"Of course I do."
"Really? What is it then?"
"Tell me who is Rog!"
"I'm not telling you until you tell me my password!"
"I don't know it, he just hacked into your ICQ with some program and I took (Angel)'s detalis."

I couldn't believe it! Is this the girl I've been dating for the last 4 months?! One day she's an angel, the other day she's a devil?!

How could she invade my privacy like that? How could she lie to me about the password?

I was angry at her. I told her she mustn't dare hurting Angel. Upon hearing me protecting Angel like that, she became angry and was deeply hurt. Then I told her that it's not personal, that I'd have done the same thing if anyone threatened her (Natalie).

Even if I love her, I can't see my girlfriend turning into a demon, being consumed by hatred and desire for revenge.

I warned Angel of Natalie's possible intentions. I'm sorry that it had come to this.

Natalie later told me how she cried the whole day. People kept asking her if she had an allergy, because her eyes were all watery, they didn't see her cry, so they thought it was an allergy.

At work, she yelled at her employer and his kids after being upset for the whole day.

At noon, Natalie asked me to come online. I opened the ICQ page on my cellphone but she wasn't on. Angel was online, though.

Angel was the first to write me a message. It looked suspicious, because she never writes me first. I didn't buy it! I thought it was Natalie pretending to be Angel. "Natalie, I can't believe you'd do that! It's not funny."

A minute later Natalie was online and Angel replied to me in a way that I clearly recognized her. I was wrong!

Angel said Natalie requested her permission to be added to her contact list, but Angel ignored it. She also said that she's in "invisible" mode so that Natalie can't see her online. "I'll be the first to write you, from now on. ;)" Angel wrote.

Natalie's employer harassed her again. He offered to please her sexually, saying some nasty things that a 15 year old girl wouldn't want to hear from a 40 year old man, who's not only married with kids but is also her boss at the moment.

Shachar: "You know what I think?"
Natalie: "No, I don't care what youthink."
Shachar: "You want me to tell you?"
Natalie: "No, I don't!!"
Shachar: "Why?"
Natalie: "Because I don't wanna talk about such things with you, do you understand?"

By the evening we became friends again. She was sorry for invading my privacy.

As I was lying in my bed, I imagined Angel and felt something deep in my heart. However, when I imagined Natalie in my mind, I barely felt a thing. I don't know why...

Maybe it's because I miss Angel a lot. Or is it because she's the one I truly love? What if I were in the opposite situation - being with Natalie for 2 years and dating Angel for 4 months. Would I feel more for Natalie then?

Natalie says she loves me very much... that she'll be willing to take any rational or irrational action to make sure that I stay with her and keep loving her. "Why can't you compromise everything that you have for the sake of our relationship? It means that you don't love me enough. If you protect this $#*@ (she refers to Angel) it only proves that you have feelings for her."

Maybe I do, but I love YOU, Natalie. Yet, the things that you do make me love you much less. These actions of revenge, of hatred reveal your negative side. If you want me to stay with you, you should know that your current actions only give the opposite result.

My best friend Daniel wanted to add a post of his own to my diary. I don't let him or anyone else read my diary, but if they want to share their thoughts then are welcome to write too.

(Untouched. Only added some commas and censored the names.)
"This entry is filled with contents by... Me! (Daniel). Basically I asked IsraeliDiary to write in it, so here goes..

Anyway, today consisted of a few main activities. I drove the cannon today to our alternative firing spot. It was fun as usual, since I hate driving, but I heard that our crewmen got hit by falling, non-secured projectiles because I got reckless with my driving.

After the training was behind us, IsraeliDiary told me that Natalie had cut her wrist veins just for the fun of it. Yes, I was shocked at the moment, but he said that something similar happened a while ago and I wondered if this girl is normal.

I suddenly realize that my handwriting is ugly and I'll make an effort to write nice on the next phrases.

I don't know about IsraeliDiary, but I think he should have told Natalie that it hurts him too, to hear that his girlfriend is doing insane actions on herself. I hope she will understand that this sort of things kick the shit out of him and if I'm worried about her, I can't imagine what IsraeliDiary feels.

But f**k it. I don't need to get in their affairs. It's their business and f**k it even if she jumps off the Azrieli towers.

At afterdark, we went to play some soccer and usually we lost (because of me, duhhh) but we did win once and we had the spirit. It was nice but I still prefer ping-pong, where I won already two players. (I still s**k, but luckily I beat them: IsraeliDiary is easy prey, but Drori is my league. I'll practice on him more.

The guitar is proceeding slowly and everything quiet at home so this is me signing off...

Goodbye cruel world!!! Nah... never mind, good night."

(I don't remember what day it happened but...)
Natalie had cut her wrist and accidentally cut her vein along with it. The blood wouldn't stop flowing and I was about to panic! I quickly ran to our medic and asked for advice. Eventually, she poured some alcohol on the injury and covered it with a plaster, the bleeding stopped.

Why did she cut herself? Her explanation was simple: She just felt like doing it. She used to cut herself before too, but I hoped that she'd stopped. This isn't normal! For whatever reasons she did that, it must never happen again.