The D-day

20th November, 2005

My team arrived to the based after a short vacation at home. Not an hour later we were called to the cannons due to high alert. Lior, our new battery commander was excited to fire his first shells as a commander. The team on the other hand preferred it didn't happen. There's too much work after firing cannons, way too much.. We assured him that nothing would happen, we've been on high alert for months and nothing really happens.

21st November, 2005

2.55 P.M. - We were sitting in the club, watching TV when suddenly the alarm went off!

"Is it a drill?"
Tomer: "I'm telling you guys, it's not a drill! It's for real this time!!"

Some of the soldiers heard bangs a few minutes before the alarm. Then they saw smoke rising in different parts of the Hula valley.

We grabbed our weapons and sprinted towards the cannons. I ran as fast as I could, the sound of the alarm pumping up the adrenalin in my blood. It was the time to do our best, to do what were trained for.

I entered the howitzer, shortly afterwards the rest of the team arrived as well. Navigators, commanders and drivers should be the first to arrive.

Climbing up and looking outside the hatch, I could see black smoke rising from Rajar. Dozens of lights flashed in Rajar amidst the clouds that partially covered the village.

At first, we thought it was Hezbollah's positions, but then we realized it was Israeli territory which was under constant heavy fire.

"What is going on?! These sons of a bi$#@es! Why aren't we firing back?!"

Another pillar of smoke could be seen rising from the lower part of the Dov mountain, near an Israeli base.

Several times we could see something that resembled fireworks, a few dozen flashes in one place, like tiny bombs exploding one after another.

Meanwhile, all the citizens of nearby towns were asked to get down to bomb shelters. An estimate of 100,000 citizens went down to safety.

"Nothing like that has ever happened since the withdrawal of Israeli troops from Lebanon in 2000!"

A few of our soldiers were on their way back with supplies from another base. A Katyusha rocket hit the asphalt only a short distance behind them. Luckily, they weren't hurt. They couldn't believe it - Another second and they would've been killed!

Armed gunmen from Hezbollah entered the Israeli part of Rajar, driving bikes and four wheelers. A squad of 4 close in on an Israeli pillbox located on the border between the 2 countries. With their primary objective of kidnapping Israeli soldiers, dead or alive, they opened fire on the pillbox, but to their astonishment - the pillbox was unmanned. They continued their assault as they moved further south towards the only road leading from Rajar to Israel. An Israeli roadblock was ahead. They opened heavy fire, but the roadblock was deserted as well.

An Israeli squad from the paratroopers division was hiding in a building located opposite the roadblock. An Israeli sharpshooter by the name of Moskovic, fired at Hezbollah's gunmen and took them down one by one with the help of his assistant who helped him spot the targets. Within 12 seconds, all 4 Hezbollah gunmen were dead before they could even spot their shooter.

As a result, Hezbollah failed to kidnap Israeli soldiers. Papers were calling Moskovic a hero. He later received a badge of courage and a week-long vacation.

Back to our artillery base...

All of our equipment was soaked with water. The hatches were apparently left open the night before and the pouring rain's done its work. Dry or soaking wet, it didn't matter to us - In just a few minutes after the attack, we were authorized to fire back!

Not much could be seen beyond the mist that covered the whole valley, but the sound of landing rockets could still be heard.

The press have arrived and settled up on a hill just above our base to capture all the action on camera.

We were ordered to fire 'Scarf' shells. A relatively new type of shells that's never been used by IDF, except in training. These are the only shells fired from our howitzers that leave a white tail of smoke and can be seen in the sky from a distance.

One of the fresh soldiers from in the other team has accidentally dropped the 40kg shell on his foot. An ambulance arrived and evacuated him.

Over 200 shells have been fired from our howitzers and still counting...

When we came back to the base yesterday, 2 teams were released home. Today, however, they were called back to the base and had to arrive next morning.

The day turned into night, the fighting resumed. Another battery from a different battalion had settled nearby and joined us in shelling Hezbollah targets.

Now the mist has come to visit us. We were unable to see beyond 10 feet, but that didn't limit our capabilities. We kept receiving firing coordinates and fired as fast and accurate as we could.

The radio was always active. Commanders received firing authorizations and reported whenever the howitzer was locked-on and ready to fire.

A different kind of message was then heard on the radio. "2A(our battery) from 1B (our battalion's center of operations), one is on its way to you"

Some of our soldiers looked at each other with confusion on their faces: "What? One what?"
The answer followed in the form of explosion not too far from our base.

Our battery commander ran out and shouted: "Get all the soldiers off the ramps!" Curious soldiers wanted to see the whereabouts of that explosion.

"I saw it, it landed a few hundred feet away from us. I saw the sparkles." said Andrew, a new commander of 1A. His team is located next to ours.

"If it hits the cannon then we're doomed. This shit can't protect us even from a 7.62 bullet of Kalashnikov, A shell would undoubtedly pierce it."

"Incoming!" Boom! This time I saw it. There was light and a slightly loud noise. The electricity went down.

"Everybody get inside the vehicles. Get ready to move. Cease fire. I repeat - Get ready to move. Cease fire!" Our battery commander wanted us to drive our howitzers to secondary positions.

For the first time, we really feared for our lives. Hezbollah were targeting our base and it could be a matter of time before they hit the target. I tried to calm my teammates down: "Don't worry. What are the odds of a direct hit on our howitzer?

Despite the artillery fire on our positions, ALPHA drivers had to run down to the bunker where their vehicles parked. ALPHA are special vehicles for carrying a large supply of shells and compulsion explosives.

Another Katyusha landed nearby. This time it landed next to our kitchen and dining room, next to the fence bordering the base.

Roey, a soldier from team 1B could no longer take it. He ran away to men's room and hid there until it was all over.

Mark is a big, 40 year old guy from the battalion who works in the army as a mechanic, repairing vehicles. Nobody ever messes with the guy and he's very respected. He was at our base on duty during the shelling. When they started firing on us, he got into shock. He just stood there outside, unable to react. Medics were called in and evacuated him.

Daniel: "I need the curtain. Where is it?" (A curtain is a night vision periscope for night driving)
"Check below the benches." "It isn't there." We searched the whole howitzer, unable to find it.

Despair and panic were growing stronger with every passing minute. Hezbollah kept firing non-stop.

We received a report that a Hezbollah gunman was sighted approaching an Israeli base on mount Dov. He opened fire on the soldiers, but was gunned down a moment later. There were possibly other gunmen with him who've managed to flee.

About 10 minutes later we arrived to our secondary positions, leaving vital equipment at the base without which, we weren't authorized to fire. But by the time we arrived to our secondary positions, Hezbollah stopped firing on Israel.

Luckily, our kit bags were in the ALPHAs. They contained sleeping bags and warm military clothes. We've spent the night quietly inside the cannons, despite the rain that managed to soak some of the interior parts of the howitzer, where we were lying down.

That night, the first snow covered the Syrian part of mount Hermon.

Shivering from cold weather, we woke up early on the following day. I could barely recall my night shift, listening to the radio ready to alert the battery if anything happens.

We were given combat meals for breakfast. Half an hour later, a few cameramen arrived to our positions. They were AFP, Reuters and Ha-Aretz, according to what they've told us.

Rotem joked with them: "We've done a good job here, so show us on TV would you?"

We haven't been shown on the news. What happened in Rajar was much more interesting and important. The whole event circled around their planned assault in Rajar.

An hour later we were back at the base. It looked intact. Everything gradually went back to normal again.

Team 2C howitzer with Eyal standing outside were on 2nd page of Yediot Aharonot, the most selling Israeli newspaper. The photo was obviously edited on Photoshop, they copy-pasted some of the shells outside, but the end result was a spectacular photo.

Our battery commander congratulated us for our good work, said we fired 415 shells (more than on any event with Hezbollah in a decade) and killed 5 gunmen along with another battery.

Most guys hurrayed when they heard that. Killing Hezbollah gunmen sounds like quite an achievement. I wasn't happy to hear those news though.

Ever since the moment we were first informed that we'd be serving a few months at the northern border and facing Hezbollah, I wished that we won't have to fire on Lebanon, that there'll be no casualties. When using Artillery, you never know what the results might be. It's not 100% accurate and neither are the coordinations that we're being given. I hope that no one was killed by shells fired from my team's howitzer, but I'll never know.

What about those 5 who were killed? Were they filled with extreme hatred towards Israel? Were they just doing their job for money to support their families? Either way they knew they were risking their lives... but wait, we were risking our lives too. They may think that they risk their lives for their country and we, Israeli soldiers, think we risk our lives for ours. In that case, who's wrong and who's right? Who deserves to live and whose death is justified?

I think most of us are good people, seeking justice, often blind to see the other side of the coin. Some of us blindly follow ideas that involve hatred or racism, others join "anti" movements in which some people "hate" haters or express sympathy towards the haters on the other side.

While we have different views, we all want the same thing - peace, harmony, justice. Obviously there is a dispute in defining justice in the middle east. Maybe the first thing that needs to be taught in schools throughout the world is that conflicts shall never be solved with violence, but strictly with diplomacy. It is sufficient for a war to break out if one of the sides thinks otherwise. In that case, don't let students who haven't learned that lesson ever become world leaders, or worse - dictators.

* * * * *
Post-firing works continued for a week. All the artillery waste had to be removed and sorted. It was a long, never ending work that makes you wish not to fire the howitzers ever again. Huge piles of different kinds of boxes, cylinders, plastic bags and unused explosives.

Hezbollah are expected to launch another attack, following their yesterday's failure to kill or kidnap soldiers. It will probably take them months of planning, as usual. By that time, we'll probably be replaced by a different battery.

The Lebanese media has reported Hezbollah accusing Israel of launching an attack on Lebanon and forcing Hezbollah to take countermeasures to defend south Lebanon. Hezbollah own a TV channel called Al Manar. Obviously they would never admit defeat. Instead, they'd lie to the Lebanese people and make up false stories. They've filmed their attack on Rajar and on a paratroopers base in Hula valley near Rajar (they hit an empty Merkava tank with a rocket there). It's clear that the attack has been planned by Hezbollah for months.

Hezbollah won't be satisfied until they successfully abduct/kill Israelis.

A few days later, an Israeli citizen was carried away by the wind straight to Lebanon after he glided off the Manra cliff (a resort near Kiryat-Shmona and the Lebanese border). When Hezbollah gunmen spotted him, they ran towards him and opened fire. Israeli citizens who've witnessed the incident have called up IDF and opened the border gate to allow him to come back to Israel. Soldiers arrived to the scene and covered his retreat. Fortunately, he sustained no injuries and returned safely to Israel. He thanked IDF for saving his life. We too were called up to provide artillery support in case needed. A few hours passed until everything cooled down.

What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?

1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.
2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.
7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.

He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.

Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.

After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.

Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.

2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?

After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.

We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?

Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.

Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.

I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.

Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.

At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.

Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.

A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.

16th August, 2005

Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.

Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"
Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"
Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."

Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.
I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.

I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.

24th August, 2005

I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)

I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??

So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)
I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

25th August, 2005

Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!

He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.

The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.

Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.

After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.

28th August, 2005

I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.

We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.

I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-

Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."

"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."

"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"

"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"

Then we were talking about us and our differences...

Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."

Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"

Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."

Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."

Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.

Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?

We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."

Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"

Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."

She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.

What are we all fighting for?

13th August, 2005

It was time to make things clear for Natalie. I pointed out that what she did was wrong. The more she acts against Angel the more it makes Angel look a better person compared to her. I asked her to change her ways, to stop hating and act the opposite way... then I'll probably let go of Angel.

Let go of Angel? Somehow, I can't believe I've said this.

My words have triggered the opposite reaction. It didn't surprise me that she reacted this way. She became angry and our conversation further turned into a fight, which I would define as the worst fight we ever had.

Natalie: "My child, you don't know a thing about women, do you? They're all extremely jealous and violent when they have an opponent."

I hate it when she calls me that. I'm 4.5 years older than her and I expect her to respect me at least a little bit. If I'm a child then who is she?

I replied: "My infant, not all girls are jealous that much. Moreover, not all of them get violent over competition."

Natalie: "Yes, but I do!"

While we were arguing, I couldn't help but say the following: "If only you knew how many things you've said and done which are considered childish and suit your age!

It had hurt her so much that she almost broke up with me in that instant:

"I can't believe you said that! Now you really hurt me! All the people I know tell me that I'm intelligent compared to other people of my age, you're the first one to say such a thing to me!" (The first one to tell the truth?) "You know what?! You and (Angel) can go to hell! Keep saying such things and I'll dump you."

Me: "You? I could dump you too."

Natalie: "Who? You? Ha-ha! Funny! Guys aren't supposed to dump girls, I'm the one who dumps, not guys. The incident when Amir dumped me was wrong, he turned to be a real idiot."

Having been dumped by enough girls in my life, I couldn't help but say: "Only a rich-ass b***h from northern Tel Aviv may mumble something so feministic!"

I couldn't believe I said this. I never talk to girls like that. Perhaps, just as some girls make you a better man, other girls make you worse.

This fight went on for 2 hours in ICQ. If we didn't have any feelings for each other, it would all be over real quick, but we did and so I offered her to start a new page. There were new terms: Never talk with our X's, never talk about our X's either.

We forgave each other and decided that, no matter what, we wouldn't fight ever again. If one of us notices something that might trigger an argument, we just change the subject.

Will that work? Is it THAT easy?

While looking for Natalie's chat logs, I found the e-mail letter that I received from Angel on March 30th - the day she had decided that we would better take a break and see other people.

Hi my dear!

I`m ok. I`m sorry that I didn`t write! I`m sorry for everything!

I donno how to say it, but I think I`ve doubts. I can`t live on like that. I mean, there`re so many things making my life harder at the moment. I donno how to live and how it should go on. And, sure it would be paradise if we have a future together. But like it`s now, it almost can`t work.

I loved u so much and I really thought that I could wait and everything`ll be alright. But I changed so much the last 2 years. My character changed so much and I donno how to handle everything. Earlier I was a dreamer, and I loved it to dream and I also had dreams, but in my opinion dreams r wrong hopes. I know everyone should have a dream which he/she wanna live, but I can`t do that with the knowledge that anyway nothing would be like I wish. I`m not a dreamer anymore.

U surely realized that I`m not like in chat, that I`m not like earlier in chat. I donno why and why everything went like that, but it just happened. And like I told u I donno if I,...how should I say it, if I`m bisexual or even lesbian. I can`t fall in love with boys, but there r so many girls who I feel attractive to. With u it has always been a dream. My dream, our dream. But r u really sure that this dream would come true? In that world we live? U should enjoy life and not wait until it`s too late for everything.

I know u wonder if I still love u. I`ll answer. And to tell the truth, I donno. There is something between us I know, but if it`s love? I really donno. I don`t wanna break ur heart, but I know I did it now. And I`m sorry for that! I always hurt everyone. I donno how and why, but I just do it, everyday. And I can`t do anything against it. It hurts me either if I know that I hurt someone. And I can tell u, then I`d just like to be alone and to have no friends or family, coz then I can`t hurt anyone. I just live in my own world and I don`t let anybody in my world. That`s another reason why my mum send me to a psychologist. Even I wouldn`t have any problems to die. I would commit suicude, but there is something which keeps me to live on. I donno what it is. But the psychologist wanna find that reason and to let that reason grow again to have fun in living and everything.

I don`t wanna hurt u anymore and that`s why I advice u to let go of my hands. To live ur life, to have fun. U deserve someone better than me. And now don`t say that`s not true *lol* Coz it`s the truth. How do i treat u?! Not very well in my opinion. U surely sometimes think, do I still love u? Will really everything be ok? U said urself that u have doubts sometimes.

I`m really sorry for telling u all this, but I donno how I should tell u. At the moment I`m really not able to live on the right way. I have to find my way first to share my life with someone else. To share feelings with someone else. Yeah, think that was everything I wanted to say. I`m sorry again for everything!

Here is my reply:

Oh my dear angel!

I'm glad to hear your heart speak it all out, even though these are words of sorrow. At least now I can see your heart through and do the best to heal its wounds.

Of course dreams come true. I've proven it to you and myself when I flew to Germany. A year ago it was only a wish, half a year ago it became a reailty. Such a strong relationship of love, loyalty and understanding despite the far distance has survived over 2 years, and that was also a dream, back when we had just fallen in love.

We've been through hard periods, but we survived them. Reality has its way of complicating things, making life difficult, challenging us when we attempt to accomplish our dreams. One more year remains and then you'll see how all your dreams come true. Will you survive this tough period in your life and go on with our relationship, or will you back out to..to what?

If you need to take some time to be alone and think your life over, then say so. If you feel you want to pause our relationship for a while to get your feelings right, then so be it. But how can you ask me to let go of the most wonderful girl in the whole world? Where will I find someone like you? Tell me! Where?! I just wish everything will be back to normal... to these days when we used to chat everyday, exchanging love words and fantasies.

But you should really find out if you love me. This is really shocking for me to find out after 2 years of solid relationship, when nothing could go wrong, that you don't love me anymore, that you're perhaps a lesbian? Was it all love or just infatuation, a dreamful relationship of your late childhood? Something you've grown up from?

Follow your heart and never go against your wishes and dreams. Your happiness should be your primary concern. You doubt if we will ever be together and accomplish our dreams? I PROMISE you that it will all come true. You know that I don't promise for nothing. These dreams depend only on whether you believe in them and how far you'd go to realize them. Take your time to think it all over. Don't rush. Find out what you really feel about me. Time will show.

Though, no matter what, never fear breaking my heart. Your words of sorrow are like sharp arrows pointing towards my heart, but my heart has a shield that has not yet been pierced. The truth had never really hurt me. It heals my heart when I know all the truth and I thank you so much for telling me what you really feel.

Promise me that your decision will not be out of pity towards me and my feelings. I'll take care of myself, but now it's time that you'll take care of yourself.

ALWAYS remember this: You are a GREAT person and you had hurt me much less than how much you'd made me happy and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same about you.

Remember, you had once told me that you won't be depressed if you be with me, I'm sure that us being together will heal you.

(A translation into English from Dale Carnegie's book) "If you think of yourself as a happy, successful and fortunate person, then these thoughts will gradually make you become that person."

Rejecting people isn't the answer. You can't be alone in this world. You will eventually have someone and I just wish this someone would love you and care about you as much as I do. But you'd better stay with me, honey, because otherwise you'll be wondering what would've happened if you had waited one more year. If it won't work, you can always say "no", but you've gotta give it a try... unless of course, your love has faded away...

Please e-mail me back. E-mail is the best way for you to express your true feelings. I'll also be on MSN later tonight.

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In 2 days from now we have a stealth operation near the Lebanese border. We're going to replace the paratroopers platoon in some of their missions, because at the moment they don't have enough manpower. Our battery commander is a close friend of their platoon commander so he didn't mind doing him a favor and sending us there.

Artillery corps have never executed such missions on the border of Lebanon, only in the West Bank. Replacing paratroopers in their missions was, in a way, an honor for us.

Monday the 15th is going to be the first day of disengagement in the Gaza strip. It is possible that Hezbollah would attempt to infiltrate Israel and escalate the tension in the north while 43,000 soldiers are concentrated in the Gaza strip.

Paratroopers platoon commander arrived to our base to brief us on this mission. He told us some interesting things about the village of Al-Raja (commonly known by the name Ghajar).

Ghajar is located on the northern border between Israel and Lebanon and is mainly populated by Syrian citizens. One half of it is on the Israeli side of the border, the other half is on the Lebanese side. This is due to the Sykes-Picot agreement signed by France and Britain as early as 1916. They divided control over parts of the middle east with Ghajar being right on the border itself.

All of Ghajar's citizens have an Israeli citizenship, even those who live on the Lebanese side. They are allowed to enter Israel, but Israelis aren't allowed to enter the Lebanese part of town. Lebanon refuses to aid these citizens, yet refuses to give away this little piece of territory to Israel. As a result, northern Ghajar's citizens receive no aid whatsoever.

20 tons of illegal drugs are being smuggled into Israel through Ghajar's roadblock and into the heart of Israel.

Hezbollah's outposts surround the whole Lebanese part of Ghajar. It's been told that they threaten Ghajar's citizens and ask them to spy on Israeli forces and collect information. Some Israeli-Arabs working for the Israeli army near Ghajar give away to Hezbollah some valuable information about IDF missions in the region.

This is how it works in the north: There are Hezbollah outposts that are located only a few meters away from Israeli outposts. Both sides can see each other really close. A Hezbollah soldier may load a magazine and aim at an Israeli soldier, but an Israeli soldier is not allowed to react to it as not to provoke them. He could only watch his enemy point a gun at him with his finger pressed against the trigger.

All soldiers assigned to the operation, including me, have gone through some training. For 3 days straight we've had 3 briefings, day and night training, practice at the shooting range. Since I'm the team's sharpshooter, Michael told me that if we spot a Hezbollah gunman, I'll be the first to open fire.

We wouldn't be wearing ceramic vests. If Hezbollah gunmen spot us, I'd probably be the primary target.

I believe Michael. He said this is not going to be a dangerous task, that nothing is likely to happen. Our training gave me some confidence. We're going to handle professionally, I know it.

I haven't told anyone at home about this mission since the communications here are not safe and Hezbollah aren't supposed to know about our presence near the border.

Basically, our main objective is to prevent Hezbollah's infiltration of Israel by setting up an ambush.

It's so sad to see so much hatred in the world. People do so many unnecessary things, waste so much time, money and resources, kill each other over hatred. Wars don't have a happy ending, so why start any? Territories are being conquered, traded, given back, but lives of thousands can never be given back.

So many people around the world are brainwashed. They only see what they want to see - these are good guys and these are bad guys. Even if you prove them wrong, they refuse to accept an alternative reality. Are our enemies really bad guys or are they just people like us who think of us the same way we think of them? Sometimes it's a one sided hatred.

How much money is being spent on wars, on destruction? How many people like me have to give away 3 or more years of our lives just because there is someone out there that hates?

You hate? You fight your own wars. Let the others live in peace.