What do we do about our differences: Ignore, Accept or Reject?

1:45pm - We are waiting for the bus to take us to paratroopers' outpost close to the border.
2:45pm - Another briefing... and another one.
7:30pm - Another training, supervised by another commander of the paratroopers platoon. Our battery commander has arrived to see us in action.

He told us we're going to be the first team from Artillery corps to ever set out on such a mission on the blue line - the Lebanese border. Artillery batteries would resume this new "tradition" if our mission proves successful. Majors from different battalions have been notified of this mission and are looking forward to its results.

Half an hour later we had the final briefing. We put on our gears, disguised our faces with green and black colors and began the mission.

After a 10 minute walk north, we came across a road. Me and Yoni were in front. As we approached the road from a field of dry bushes, walking slowly with our knees bent, we saw an approaching car heading this way.

Was it heading to Ghajar? We wouldn't know. Instead of going back and finding a hiding spot, Michael decided to stay and freeze, just as we are, 2 meters away from the road.

2 cars, one of them a minibus, passed us by in the curve of the road, flashing lights revealing our presence. Some Ghajar citizens could be cooperating with Hezbollah... if they were the ones who noticed us here, our mission could be compromised. But, what are the odds?

After crossing the road, we resumed our walk to the north-east. The walk was supposed to end 500 meters after that road, but for some reason we just kept on walking on and on for quite some time. "How lucky for us that there's a fence out there. Otherwise, we could accidentally be in Lebanon right now" I thought.

We noticed a few cows in front of us, heading south. 20 meters ahead we saw a pack of cows to our left. The attempt to walk around them had failed when a small dog had noticed our presence and started barking as loudly as it could. After a short while, we could hear a distant barking voices of dogs joining the parade. They were coming from Lebanon. Great! What now?

Instead of a 40 minute walk, it tooks us 2:30 hours to get to our destination. We would stop several times and Michael would look at the map, try to figure out where the hell we are.

Finally there, we took our positions some 300 meters from the border. We just lied there for about 4 hours. 2 guys would sleep for 50 minutes in rotation. I was last.

I was lying down on a barbed wire that had once been used as a fence, limiting passage due to the presence of undiscovered landmines. There are no landmines here anymore. Cows are walking around here. I remember how we once heard an explosion somewhere in the Golan. It was a cow that stepped on a landmine. Poor animal.

Using my night vision scope, I could see Hezbollah's outpost. Apart from dogs, cows and insects we haven't seen anyone. The pain in the back, the hands that leaned on spiky bushes, the tiredness and the thirst have convinced me that I'd rather not participate in these operations again, that is if anyone asked my opinion of course.

At 6am we've been back to the outpost. Young Nov' 04 paratroopers, still in the advanced training stage of their military service, looked quite spoiled. Sitting in the entertaintment room, watching movies.

Sigh, I wish I could get rid of this damned weapon. I'm 2 years in the army and still have this long, clumsy M16-E3-A2. It's fun to shoot with it when you have a scope and everything, but apart from that, this weapon is a real pain. It's heavy, it's long, it's meant for younger soldiers, you are required to put a night vision scope when you are on any kind of mission at night. The scope alone weighs 1.5kgs! Commanders prefer to take you to most operations since you are the sharpshooter. When I take a bus to get home, people who sit next to me can sometimes feel the barrel pressed against their feet and I can't take the weapon off when I'm not in the base, I have to wear it on me all the time.

A sharpshooter's course was supposed to start a few weeks ago, but the battery had only been notified about it 2 days prior to its starting date. Therefore, they didn't send any soldiers and so I'll have to carry this weapon until the next course starts. My battery commander says that replacing my weapon is a priority and the next course will begin sometime in September.

16th August, 2005

Angel and Natalie had a talk... Angel was asked not to talk to me anymore. She didn't deny that she loves me. Instead, she said that she loves some girl.

Angel: "If he talks to me and you leave him, he will be sad. If her stops talking to me, he will be sad as well. So what is the solution?"
Natalie: "I don't know. A miracle. Why do you talk to him when you know that he has a girlfriend, don't you think that it's wrong? Why him, why nobody else?"
Angel: "I don't know. He is the only guy who I like talking to."

Natalie suggested her to go and find somebody else to talk to, that I'm occupied.
I've decided to say nothing in regards to their conversation. I didn't want to start another argument with Natalie. Let it be. I may be wrong, but I've got to choose someone and right now Natalie is closer to me.

I asked Natalie not to talk with Angel anymore. If we want this to work, we should forget about our x's. Natalie told me what she said to Amir the other day: "To me, you're not even a particle of oxygen. You do not occupy a single cell in my brain." Amir did not reply.

24th August, 2005

I haven't written anything for a week since there was nothing new to tell. I spent these days doing nothing but watching TV, playing Monopoly, ping pong and cards with my friends. Yesterday evening we had a 'party'. March '04 were promoted to Sergeants, Aug '02 came to visit us as citizens and received glass shields with a short thank-you inscription for their service in the battery. Gil, our previous battery commander, have visited us too. He's now a citizen as well. He gave us a capuccino machine. Nice. (it went straight to battery's logistics team who never shared it with us)

I finally got home. We were supposed to do some sort of a community service in Kiryat Shmona this morning, but it was cancelled. We were all against it. One of the guys even wrote a petition in which we all refuse to participate in this. Michael was shocked, he said that we could go to jail for something like that. We all love to do something good for others, but after 16 days in the army, we all deserve some time off, a short vacation. Just a month ago we did a community service in a kindergarten in Petah-Tikva. Wasn't it enough??

So I finally met Natalie. I couldn't wait to see her again! This time, the first time in my life, I was greeted with a warm hug and some kisses by my girl! :)
I didn't expect it at all, so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

25th August, 2005

Natalie received a pair of tickets to the Luna park from her employer. He wanted to do something nice for her. He's a member of Hever - if you serve for about 18 years in the army, you automatically become a certified member of this organization, which gives you various profitable discounts for the rest of your life. He got the tickets at a 50% discount!

He gave it to her for free, but a few days later he asked her who did she go with... when he found out it was me, he told her that he'll take the money back by reducing her payroll! I was stunned! She didn't react to his words.

The park was fun. It's very miniature. The attractions are simple and too quick, but we still had a lot of fun together. Natalie met a friend of hers... Stephanie, a beautiful 16 year old girl who lives... on my street! I've never seen her before, but that's what Natalie says. For some reason, Stephanie popped into my mind in the following few days, but I dismissed the foolish thoughts and have never seen the girl again.

Afterwards, we walked to Yehoshua gardens. I pushed her down on the grass, making her fall on my leg, catching her body with my arms and kissing her lips. I failed to notice that I tore her sandal. Whoops! She had to walk awkwardly the whole evening.

After having lunch at Pizza-Meter near the Ayalon mall, my mother fetched us back home.

28th August, 2005

I was watching "City of God" at home when I saw something move in the right corner of my eye. I turned and was startled when I saw Natalie standing there. She entered my house without notice, again. I should start locking the door. This is scary. How long was she standing there anyway? Anyone could easily enter my house without notice.

We had a fight. It turns out she hacked into my ICQ again and changed Angel's nickname. "But I didn't write to anyone" she explained. "You could have asked me for whatever you were looking for, but breaking in and stealing information is not what I expect from my girlfriend." I was angry at her. I slammed the door and just sat there... She walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn't come to say she was sorry.

I went outside to talk to her about all this. After 5 minutes things were alright again. Later she went outside to smoke another cigarette. Her parents doesn't know about this. She steals cigarettes from her brother. He himself hides his smoking habit from his parents. "I'm smoking a few today, usually I only smoke one cigarette every 2 weeks, but today I want to quit so I let myself smoke a few in one day." The next day she smoked again. -.-

Sitting up the stairs, she was looking down at me. "Is that your cigarette there?" I asked, pointing a finger at a used piece of cigarette lying on the floor.

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you put it in the trash, it's only 2 meters to walk."

"Why should I? The cleaning maid will sweep it away."

"Oh, that's why it's alright to throw it on the stairs like that? I'm tired making remarks to soldiers in the army, now I have to deal with it here?"

"Well, I don't usually throw it away like that..." "But the fact that you just did means that you do it sometimes"

Then we were talking about us and our differences...

Me: "Look, you're a great person and you're fun to be with, but I really don't see us being together in the future. You're not the kind of girl I'm looking for. I don't want to deal with fights and arguments for the rest of my life."

Natalie: "But why, what is it in my character that you don't like?"

Me: "You're different in many ways, you have different perspectives, you hate and revenge people."

Natalie: "Yeah and I'm proud of that."

Me:"See? I don't do that, I'm a peaceful person and I look for a girl like that. We fight, we disagree. You like this, I like that.

Your behavior in the public - ungrateful, resenting. You're picking on me too much, your high ego, saying that no one is worthy of your kind. *Sigh* I'd hoped you would change over time, but who am I fooling? If you do change, it's great, but you can't, can you?

We can love each other, yeah, but love is blind. Despite this blindness, one has to see the partner's true character and decide if it fits his own. If it doesn't, no matter how much you love, no matter how hard you try, it won't work... you'll fight, you'll break each other's hearts, you'll cry and you'll suffer."

Natalie: "So you want to dump me?"

Me: "No, I won't do that. I'll be with you, at least until I finish the army. Until then, everything can change."

She was worried and sad, but I had to let it out.