Mixed feelings and unstable relationships

3rd July, 2005

Natalie called me today. She said: "There is something that I haven't told you... But I can't tell you, because you'll break up with me for good."

Ok, no problem! Are you kidding me?

After a long conversation, I've managed to convince her to tell me.

"I offered him (Amir)...", "you offered him what?", "You know what!" "Sex?" "Yes" "But... but why?!" "I can't tell you." "No, you must tell me. I need to understand why you do what you do... and.. where and when was it?" "It doesn't matter. He asked me what about your boyfriend, so I changed my mind and agreed that it'd be wrong."

She said she wants to have an open relationship, meaning she could sleep with other guys while I'll always be her true boyfriend, a guy that she loves and cares about. "...and we won't be telling each other about our lovers so that we wouldn't argue or feel jealous about it." She said.

It's absurd. I too feel sometimes this sexual attraction to other girls, but even though she says I could do this as long as I love her, I just can't. It's just pointless sex!

I can't imagine her in bed with somebody else, it'll break my heart if that ever happens.

There is something tempting about this, but even if I weren't against this idea, let's be realistic here: How many girls am I going to sleep with, being stuck for 16 days in the army in this womanless base, and getting home for 5 days once or twice a month to... to get laid? Close to 0. This isn't me anyway.

How many guys is she going to sleep with, considering her looks, hormones and taste? I don't even want to guess!

"I'm still young and so I want to experience sex with many guys before I commit myself to one guy and stay with him for the rest of my life."

"When I was 14, Natalie, I was madly in love with one girl. I was willing to commit myself to marrying her. I loved her so much that I didn't care if she'll be the only girl for the rest of my life."

Yeah, this is my problem right there - I can't just sleep with a girl as if she was some kind of a toy. Every girl is a whole world to me. I get attached easily.

I told her this isn't gonna work. She shouldn't cheat on me no matter what, unless she wants our relationship to end.

Our conversation ended with her assurance that she'll always love me no matter what, that I'll be her one and only and that she'll never be able to keep any secrets from me. Somehow, I tend to believe her words. I guess it's because I really want it to be that way.

This afternoon there was another thing to worry about. The guy whose children she babysits was driving her home after work. He said a very awkward thing to her: "Even if we fall in love with each other, even if the world is coming to an end, I will not care, I want us to be best friends forever!"

Before that, in the elevator back at his building he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her cheek.
What the hell?! He's probably old enough to be her father!

She said she didn't react to those things, to whatever he does. She's too shocked and embarrassed. One time he said to her: "I'm doing this because you look like you need love and care."

At first I refused to believe her words, but she swore to me that it was true.
"The next time you see him, tell him that you don't need his 'care'."

She knows where he lives and he can't risk doing anything 'cause he has a wife and 2 kids to take care of, but I sense that something's going to happen sooner or later if Natalie doesn't do anything about this.

Having a bad mood, I just called it a bad day. "Tomorrow will be a new day".

4th July, 2005

I should've said "Tomorrow will be a new bad day" instead.

Her employer took an alternative route while driving her home. He took her to the diamond towers, perhaps the richest place in Israel. Behind those towers there's an alley where prostitutes offer their services. He stopped next to them and showed them to Natalie. Why? What was his point?

She said tomorrow she'll finally talk to him about this. I really hope so.

"Tell me, you really thought I'd leave you because of what you'd told me yesterday?" "No, not because of that, but because of something else that I haven't told you yet."

What?!

She preferred to wait until we meet so she could tell me that, but I was way too anxious to hear the bad news so I couldn't wait at all.

"I kissed Amir". She said she really wanted it and they've made out, touched each other, but not underneath their clothes. She really enjoyed it, but then she remembered me and a voice inside her mind told her that it's wrong. She stopped. Amir didn't say anything.

She told me she loves me very very much and that she's sorry for what she did.

My hands were shaking as I was picturing her making out with the guy.

"When did it all happen?" "It doesn't matter."

I eventually found out when... It was before our last date! How could she keep it away from me for all this time? I warned her so many times to stay away from him.

How could she do this? What was she thinking?!

"Natalie, you will not meet him again, unless you really want our relationship to end."

She agreed.

Assuming I'd have met Angel. Would I have kissed her and forgot all about Natalie? I think I would've restrained myself. But even if I had kissed, I'd have stopped at once. I can't quite comprehend why she did this.

When I talked to her again, I still had questions...

"How long have you kissed?"

S-H-O-C-K!

A few seconds would've been acceptable. A minute or two, that'd have been forgivable, but an HOUR?!?!?!

"I don't know why it was that long, but the time went by fast and it felt so good." ARGH!!!

How can I forgive her? How can I trust her after this? What if she isn't even telling me the whole truth?

My friends would probably say: "DUMP HER!", but I don't want it to end. Maybe I refuse to accept it. I wanna believe that things will work out in the end. People change and learn from their mistakes, right?

The question is, if someone you love cheats on you and later regrets it, is granting this person a second chance gonna produce the desired result? Is she going to learn from her mistakes and never do this again?

"Promise me that from now on you're gonna tell me everything that happens to you and do it right away." She promised.

I want things to get back to the way they used to be. Just a week ago, the sun was shining upon us, we couldn't be happier together. But now I know that she cheated on me even before we've met and didn't tell me anything.

I'm afraid that things will never be the same again. She'd lost my trust.


* * * * *
Natalie didn't tell her employer to back off. He touched her again today. She moved away and he stopped.

This is getting nowhere.

This evening we had another conversation. (I connect to ICQ using the cellphone.)

She told me she still has strong feelings to Amir. "I wish that you could be with me right now". She explained to me how helpless she feels, that she doesn't want to hurt me, that she regrets meeting me because of all the pain that she's caused me, that I deserve someone better. "I'm no good for this world. There's no point for me to keep living any longer.. You know what? I'll rid you of all the pain."

Then she just disappeared! I feared the worst.

I disconnected and tried calling her phone, but she wouldn't answer it! I dialed her home number and there she was.

It was alright. She wasn't trying to kill herself.

Natalie: "Something bad had happened, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Me: "Please tell me. I need to know what it is. I'll know it eventually and the longer you wait the more it will hurt."

She promised me she'll tell me everything... Now she's breaking this promise?

This whole relationship is so complicated. There's us - we're happy when we're together. But when I'm in the army things start to get out of hand - she still have feelings to her x-boyfriend, she can't control herself when she's around him, she wants to be with a guy and she can't wait for 16 days everytime.

Can it go on like this? I still have 1 year to serve in the army.

Maybe this relationship isn't gonna work after all... I told her maybe she's better off finding herself another boyfriend, someone she could see everyday and be happy with, but she doesn't want anyone else but me.

I too find it hard to break up with her. She's like the whole world to me and I can't see her upset like that.

I want her to be happy, even if she's better off with some other guy. When I see her in such a state, I don't care about myself and my feelings anymore.

What is it that she cannot tell me? I still need to find out! She promises to tell me soon.