One day I will prove its existence

23th March, 2005

I got myself a new cellphone. It's Nokia 3100. Now I can surf the Net for free, download games and read stuff instead of getting bored while on guarding duties.

3 peaceful weeks in the northern Israeli-Jordanian border near the sea of Gallilee (Kineret).

It's been 4 months now and new soldiers have joined our battery. Soldiers from Aug' 04. Once they joined our battery, Aug '03 got their first privileges. Aug '03 that's me. Now that we're 1.8 years in the army, we no longer have any regular guarding duties at nights - no guarding at the gate, the bunker, watchtowers or any of that kind. We also no longer work in the kitchen. That's quite an upgrade.

I also stopped performing most of the cleaning duties, like cleaning the toilets and such. There are younger soldiers for that now.

It is a custom in combat corps that younger soldiers respect the older ones. If there are soldiers at least 1 year 'younger' than you, they should show you some respect. But you know what they say about new generations - the present generation is more spoiled than its predecessor.

Slowly but steadily, the gap between seniors and juniors becomes smaller. Treatment becomes equal and with it, the privileges become obsolete. This is bad, because young soldiers need something to strive for. They want to be sure that if they get a job at the battery or when they're 2.4 years in the army, they'll have their own room, they'll guard less, be released home more often and so on. If you take that away from them, people might lose their motivation. They don't have much motivation anyway.


* * * * *

Our main base here is located on a mountain, quite close to the border. There's a beautiful view of the valley from up here.

This is one thing I really owe the army for. You get to see so many beautiful places. Even the sky becomes so beautiful once you have all the time in the world to look at it, when you're behind a metal fence that stands between you and the free world that teases you right in front of your eyes.

The moment we got here, 2 teams have been released home for the weekend. Me and a few others were sent to Hamat Gader. It's a popular hot springs resort in Israel. The younger soldiers guard at the watchtowers surrounding the resort. Me and some others are assigned on truck patrols. They're open vehicles with machine guns on both sides. At night, it gets really cold to sit in an open truck for about 8 hours. We patrol along the border, sometimes stop at a pub on route 90. Things are very quiet out here, but we stay put anyway. Apart from patrols, I also guard at the communications room. It's my first time sitting at the comm. room, being in charge of delivering information and directing the forces in case of emergency.

31st March, 2005

It's my team's turn to be released home. Unfortunately, not all soldiers could be released home, due to lack of manpower. Apart from Aug '04 soldiers, one guy from my team had to stay. I volunteered to stay back in November, when it was either me or Nitzan. Now it was obviously Nitzan's turn. Matan had told him that he was chosen to stay, but Nitzan managed to work his way out of this. He said he's got problems at home. The officers approved his excuse and Matan had no choice but to choose someone else. He was really angry at Nitzan but could do nothing about it. He chose Daniel, again. Daniel was eager to get home this weekend. He was at the roof of the barracks, a guarding post. The barracks used to be a hotel before 1967, now it's completely abandoned. When Daniel received the bad news, he asked Matan "Why me?", to what Matan foolishly answered: "because you're disciplined and responsible." Oh really? That really sounded fair! It pissed Daniel off. If he was disciplined and responsible until now, he'd change his attitude. In fact, he's changed his attitude back in January, when he was punished on his very birthday and wasn't released home after being caught falling asleep while on duty. He'd hoped they would give him a day or two of detention or that they'd postpone the punishment to his next release home, but they grounded him on his birthday and ruined all his plans. That day he'd lost trust to Michael, our platoon's officer. He learned to hate most of the commanders and whoever's in charge of things. Within no time, he became quite rebellious. Too bad. He's a good guy who really gave his 100% to our battery. He's my best friend, which is what made me look rebellious sometimes as well. Honestly, that part about our friendship is something that I didn't like that much.

25th March, 2005

Today happened something I had never really expected.

While guarding at the comm room, I received an e-mail from Angel. I read it over and over again. I wish I had remembered the exact words, that I had saved it somewhere. But I don't know if it matters, really. The general concept of this message is forever carved in my memory.

But before that, I'd like to share some of our SMS messages that I wrote on paper, before losing the cellphone. It didn't have enough memory to store all of the messages, so I wrote the best ones on paper so I'd never forget them.

Me: "*Kiss* Count all the stars in the universe - that is how much I love you. Forever in your arms, K." (10th December 2003)

Me: "As I ride the bus to the base, beautiful landscapes are revealed beyond the window... and I keep thinking of you, my Angel. I know that in no time, we'll meet. Love you, K." (13th December 2003)

Me: "My magical angel. I'd do everything it takes to be with you this summer. We'll meet this summer - it's a promise! I kept thinking of you throughout all the training..." (13th December 2003)

Angel: "Hi my dear. I'll do anything to be with you together, too. I even would sell my soul to see you at least for one minute! I love you so much. I'd come to you at once if I could. *Kiss*" (13th December 2003)

Me: "Angel, my dear girlfriend, you have no idea how AMAZING you are! I love you with all of my heart and I'll never let you go. *Kiss* I'm holding you now in my arms. Love you." (December 2003)

Angel: "I know you're sleeping already. I wish I could be in your arms now, feel your warmth & safety. I feel so alone at the moment and I can't tell you how much I miss you. Love you." (December 2003)

Angel: "I'm so glad to be your girlfriend! ^o^ It makes me feel that I can create everything. I love you more than I could say. Let's be together forever. *Kiss*" (December 2003)

Angel: "Hi my dreamstar. I nearly can't hold myself. I'd take the next flight to you if I could. I'd like to runaway immediately now. I miss you so much. I love you honey. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)

Angel: "I know I'll love you forever too. Why can't we just runaway and start a new life? I'd like to do that so much. Oh honey, I can't tell you how much I miss you. *Kiss*" (21st December, 2003)

Angel: "Today morning, when I went to the bus stop, I looked up to the sky. I only saw 1 star. It reminded me of you. That you will always be my following star. I love
you so much. *Kiss*" (22nd December, 2003)

Angel: "Hi honey. I love you so much, too. And I really thought about running away to you just to be in your arms. I still play with the thought of running away. I love you too much to stay here.." (26th December, 2003)

Angel: "It's the same with me. I almost can't hold myself back. I don't know what I should do anymore. I think my heart winning very soon. I can tell you. I love you so extremely." (26th December, 2003)

There are about 40 additional messages, but I don't know if that'd be interesting to read.

1.8 years in the army and I've seen hundreds if not thousands of attractive girls. Some of them were more than just attractive. Especially at the roadblocks I couldn't help but notice dozens of nice girls each day. Not once did they make me think about what I'm doing, about my choices. Is it the right thing to do, to spend 3 years of my life waiting for someone? But she's not just someone, she's very special.

Do you think I'll never find anyone like her ever again? Is she really that special or is it love that makes me so blind?

I must not hesitate. It would be a shame to waste a few years believing in one thing, then changing your mind. I needed to make that decision and I needed to make it as soon as possible. It was a year ago, before I flew to Germany, that I decided once and for all to stay with her, telling myself that I may never know what I'd lost if I broke up with her.

What if I never find anyone like her ever again? I'll remember her so perfect and amazing and all that and I might never know if I did the right thing or not. If we stay together, if we meet and get to know each other in real life, then I'll know better if she's really the one for me. I won't leave her unless I'm fully convinced that we're not made for each other. Yep, I'm going with this until the very end!

That way I will prove to myself that with enough determination, people can actually stay loyal to each other despite the surrounding temptations. If we only learn to appreciate what we have...

Choosing one over many is a huge sacrifice for all of us. We give up so many opportunities just for something that we think is worth more, much more.

It may indeed be so priceless, especially if the person we give up everything for does the same thing for us.

On 25th March, her e-mail read: I'm sorry honey, I hope you're not mad at me, but I think we should take a break from each other. I mean, we could date other people. You don't have to wait for me, you could see other girls and feel free to do anything you want.

It wasn't really a break up, or at least not a directly implied one. She didn't plan to date any guys, just girls. She liked some girls and probably wanted the freedom to explore and experience that new aspect of her life.

Do you think that in a year and a half we'll be together? She didn't have a straight answer to that. She didn't want me to wait for her all this time, she wanted me to have fun and she wanted to have fun too.

As tempting as it might have sounded, I didn't want to date any girls if I was going to lose her in the end. But regardless of whether I date other girls or not, what is the guarantee that we'll be together in a year and a half?

She told me not to wait...
Does it mean that she no longer loves me?

Things have clearly become different now. It was time for a new phase in our lives.

On one hand, I felt like I broke a thousand heavy chains, that new roads have opened ahead of me with unlimited opportunities. On the other hand, I was so upset and angry that things have come to this. After all that we've been through, now she gives up?!

She's the one that wanted it so much when we first met. I guess 2 years is a lot of time. People always change. However, when two people truly love each other, nothing in the world should ever stand between them.

I kept telling everyone that they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know the meaning of true love. They can laugh all they want for all I care, but in the end I'm going to be the one to have the best relationship there could ever be. I was going to prove it to them.

I was so upset. I was in so much despair, that I felt like I would go to a prostitute the moment I get home! No, I would never do that. But at that moment, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.

She was the only person that really cared about me, or so I thought. Now it felt like I was all by myself again.

1st April, 2005

I was released home. I needed to find myself some girl fast! I started looking at dating sites, talking to different girls on ICQ. It's always exciting to meet someone new, to have a new relationship in your life.

I found 4 interesting girls to talk with. One of them was particularly interested in me. She's from Tel Aviv, the closest to me. I found her in ICQ People Search. That stupid search doesn't allow you to search people by custom age. Even when you specify 18-22, it gives you the wrong results. The best thing to do was search by country, gender, language and 'online only' and then check the profile of every result found, where you could see their age.

But then the ICQ server stopped responding and returned an error message whenever I tried to check the profiles. Frustrated, I started messaging every girl, regardless of their age. One of them was Natalie.

After a short conversation, we exchanged pictures. While the pictures were being sent to each other, I found out how old she is... She was just turning 15! Forget it...

But then I checked out her picture and it was like "Oh my God!". To add to that, she liked me too. Ummm... don't you think she's too young for you? I decided to keep talking to her, find out if she's still childish and all that.

She didn't seem to.

There's one thing that really I like in girls... it's innocence. Angel's never had a boyfriend before, she's never kissed, never fell in love. That is one reason why she was so over the head when she fell in love with me. Many girls at my age are no longer romantic. They've been disappointed by love, they've had their hearts broken, they've experienced things I myself have never experienced... But don't think that I'm some sort of a pedophile. There's a limit to it. I'm 19 and a half and she turns 15 now. I guess 16.5-17 is the minimum, but a 15 could be a one-time exception in this case. At least it's worth a try, isn't it?

I talked to her on Saturday night. The next morning I came back to the army. We've been talking on the phone a lot and it's been exceptionally fun. She's not THAT innocent - she once got drunk, she tried some drugs, but that's her 'past'. She says she's not like that anymore.

I'm skeptic about this, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway.

We plan to meet when I'm released home again... Am I ready for a new relationship? Only time will tell.

I still love Angel very much. I don't think she gave up on me either. Maybe she needs some time off to clear her head?

As I've said, only time will tell...