A twist in the plot

20th October, 2004

My honey SMSed me tonight. It said I should read her e-mail. I checked the inbox (using my cellphone) but there were no e-mails from her.

If they're already received by outlook, they aren't considered new and so I can't see them on my cellphone. I asked my mom to re-send them when she comes home. She sent them to my e-mail but I still couldn't receive them.

I asked her to read them to me. The first e-mail was from 15th, it was about her operation and her school life.

The 2nd one was from yesterday. It said she is confused about her feelings and that she doesn't want me to hate her or regret hearing it, but if I want, she can tell me.

Tell me what? Why would I hate her? What is going on?!

I immediately called her. Jenny answered the phone and said Angel's taking a shower.

I called 10 minutes later. Angel answered the phone this time. She told me she can't say this on the phone, that she'll explain it in SMS.

I sat down outside, trying to find a place to be alone, to think about all the possibilities and prepare for the worst. Many different thoughts were racing in my mind, one of them in particular really scared me: What if she doesn't love me anymore?!

I'm not ready for this. I won't be able to accept it, not so suddenly!

My arms and legs were shaking uncontrollably. I was sitting there nervously, constantly looking at the cellphone, ready to face the dreadful verdict.

After a short while I received 2 messages:

"Ok hon, I'm unsure. About my feelings. Cause I think I fell in love with someone I better not have a crush on. Someone you know. I'm afraid to tell you. But it's..."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

".........."

"...it's Anna."

WHAT?!

"that's why I'm not sure if I should've told you. Don't know how you will react. Don't know what to do or think. I love you also! But... well, it's kind of embarassing. Please don't call me today :-/"
All of a sudden she realized she's bisexual? Is that how it works?

I replied, asking her for details. "By the word attraction do you feel like kissing her, touching her and all that? Are you lesbian or perhaps more likely a bisexual?"

She replied: "I don't know what I am. More of a bisexual. And yeah, I feel like I wanna kiss her and I love being with her and I think about her a lot. My heart beats fast when I'm close to her."
My reply was something like that (I forgot part of the message): "Honey, do you love me? I'm sorry. You're most likely shocked more than I am and should be alone to think about everything. I love you and support you no matter what."

One time, back in June, before we even were in Hebron, she wrote me that something really shocking happened to her. When I called her, she explained it: she said that her mother asked her if she's lesbian. She thought this way because Angel's never had a boyfriend and she'd always hung around with girls.

The possibility of her being a bisexual has occured to me a few times in the past, but I always rejected this thought, hating myself for thinking of such things about my Angel.

But now it's true. It's a fact. She is bisexual. What effect will it have on our relationship?

It was dinner. I was stuffing food in my mouth like a madman, unable to relax, to come to my senses. I saw my whole world of dreams burning in flames. Now it's never gonna be the same. This relationship was so perfect. Nothing could stop us, nothing could come between us, except an unexpected consequence like death (God forbid!).

What if it's for the best?

One year ago I had a dilemma - Should I go for 1 special person, wait for 3 years and then be with her for the rest of my life, or should I enjoy my last teenage years and my twenties like most guys do? I chose the former because she's simply above all else!

As months passed by I've seen what I have missed, what I could have had.

These thoughts were consuming me from the inside, but I kept telling myself that she's worth it, that if I give up on her now, I will deeply regret it later and I'll never know what could have been if only we'd stayed together. Life is full of choices. You can't have everything. Can you?

Well, now that she's bisexual... maybe she wouldn't mind.

Argh! What the hell am I thinking?! Here is the proof that I'm becoming insane!

* * * * *

I was guarding at the observation tower tonight and I was getting sleepy. I opened my eyes after a few minutes of drifting in the dreamworld. I wished it was just a dream. But it wasn't.

Sometimes you have horrible nightmares. You wake up and say: "phew. it was just a bad dream." But there are experiences in life that are much worse than nightmares.

No matter how hard you rub your eyes with your hands and try to wake up, when you open them, the nightmare will still be there. You wish you could turn back time, to load a savepoint, but there's nothing that you can do to change it.

I just know that I love her more than anything. When I look at her pictures, I see my wife smiling at me, my one and only Angel, the one person that fills my life with bright colors, the only one who makes me feel worthy.

I pray for an everlasting relationship.