The time is running out

20th September, 2004

Today is our last day together before I leave tomorrow early in the morning, therefore I want to be with her as much as possible once she comes home from school.

There's only one day left for me to decide whether I come back to Israel or stay with her and start a new life.

I prayed to God, telling him I'm not ready for goodbyes yet, asking him for a sign to decide if I should stay or leave.

2 p.m. - She's not home yet.
2:30 p.m. - She's still out. Where is she?!

The phone rings. I don't answer it.

2:45 p.m. - I keep looking out the window, watching every bus come and leave, but she's not on any of them. I bang my head on the window out of despair. Where are you, Angel?!

3 p.m. - How long must I wait?

I tried calling her phone but then I remembered that her mom took it away from her. Argh!
I called her mom. She said she called earlier to tell me that Angel's coming late today, that she's about to come any minute now.

Angel arrived home at 3:30 p.m. It didn't look to me that the thought of me waiting for her for hours and going out of my mind had crossed her mind today.

She walked to the kitchen to get something to drink. I followed her and asked her where she's been. She said she spent time with Jenny at McDonald's. They ate dinner together and spent some time chatting.

"But why?! I don't understand it! Honey, it's our last day together! I know you haven't seen your friends in as often as you usually do, but after I'm gone you could see them for as much as you like. You won't be able to see me for a long time, though!" For the first time in our conversations I raised my tone.

I was disappointed and very upset, and the thing that made me even more upset was her silence. She just didn't say anything in reply.

I wondered what she was thinking about at the moment, and how she'd felt about the whole thing, but her feelings are rarely revealed to people.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm a bit upset. I was waiting here for you for a couple of hours, hoping we could spent time together. I don't want to fight or make you upset. Let's just forget it and enjoy the little time that we have left."

As I held her in my arms, she finally broke her silence and spoke: "I'm sorry. I just never talk about my feelings. I have a lot of feelings, but I never show them. I don't know why."

It's okay. She loves me and cares about me. It's just that she has difficulties showing it. But even if I know deep inside that she loves me, I can't let it be like this. She needs to show me love, to express it in some way apart from writing it in chat conversations, SMS messages or e-mails. When we used to speak on the phone, she'd sometimes say it as well, but it's not the same thing as saying it face to face! At least show it by kissing me first, by running into my arms or even by smiling romantically.

I keep wondering whether it's because she's never had a boyfriend before..

* * * * *

Her mother has invited me and Angel to an Italian restaurant. It was her goodbye present for me. I received a call from my mom on the way to the restaurant...

"I've got good news for you!" "Really? What news?" "There's a general strike and the airport is taking a part in this. There might be no landing flights as well as departing ones tomorrow."

I was shocked! If it's really so then it's a miracle! It's a sign from God which means that I should... stay?!

All the way to the restaurant I was thinking about the possibility of staying here. It seemed so surreal to me, yet so refreshing and wonderful. My mom is concerned about me, she obviously doesn't want me to do that. I don't think I can do it anyway.

We all ate Pizza at the restaurant. Some friends of theirs have joined our table. They spoke German most of the time so I didn't understand anything. But sometimes they'd say a word in English and I'd say something like: "Aha! Now I know what you were talking about!" :)

When we were back home, we watched a movie together called "Very Bad Things", then we both went to bed. Her mother decided we should sleep separately, even though we are to wake up at the same time in the morning. Maybe she's afraid I'd do something crazy and stupid on our last night together and then I'd runaway to Israel and no one will find me there... I don't know.

Anyway, I'm going to take the train back to the airport tomorrow morning, just in case. At the same time I'll try to reach the agency by phone and find out if my flight's been delayed.