Atonement

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.

I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.

It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?

One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?

Can't say what I'd have preferred.

The Combatant's ID

A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).

A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.

The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.

We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.

10th October, 2005

While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!

Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...

My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.
I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!

How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)

Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.

I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.

But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!

12th October, 2005

Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.

Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.

Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.

Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.

We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.

13th October, 2005

Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.

Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.

Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?

14th October, 2005

Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.

We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.

I really wish that for everyone!