Atonement

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
I can't say how long our friendship lasted, but it surely wasn't that long.

I was trying to be unreachable acting indifferently, hoping she would eventually move on. I really hated to be like this, but it seemed to be the only way out.

It looks like she tried to forget me by hating me more and more with every day. Hating me for being cold to her, for breaking up with her. Maybe it's for the best?

One day she would describe how much she loves me, the other day she would counter it with another wave of hatred and despisal. I wished she would decide already, am I a prince or a demon?

Can't say what I'd have preferred.

The Combatant's ID

A combatant's ID ("Teudat Lohem" in Hebrew) is a card which combat soldiers receive after serving a period of 2 years in the army. This card give you extra benefits compared to the regular soldier's card ("Hoger" in Hebrew).

A soldier with the regular card is allowed to use public transportation at no charge, with one condition - wearing a proper military uniform. However, a soldier with a combatant's ID card is not required to wear a uniform while using public transportation. That means that you can go anywhere you want during your vacation, without having to pay the bus driver or the train station receptionist. It's absolutely free anytime, anyday, until you finish your military service.

The second benefit is a 50% discount in cinemas for any movie, 7 days a week.

We were all looking forward to receiving this card. In August 2005, all August '03 soldiers have received their cards via mail, except me. After a long and painful process of bureaucracy, I found out the army sent it to my old address. Not only that, but they got the old address wrong. Instead of apartment No. 1 in 38th bldg. they added two 0's and sent it to apartment No. 100 which obviously doesn't exist. After a delay of 2 months, I finally received it.

10th October, 2005

While my relations with Natalie continue to deteriorate, my friendship with Angel never goes wrong. Everytime I talk to Angel or even think about her, it brings a smile upon my face. What a gigantic difference in relationships if you compare the two!

Today she surprised me with an SMS in which she stated that she plans to come to Israel in November. She's currently working in a hotel, but they may give her a week off in November...

My free week ("regila") is supposed to take place around November as well, but it's still unknown.
I really hope that she'll come. I... I love her!

How come I'm so happy even when I'm not with her?! She makes me happy even though she's a thousand miles away. I feel like we could wait for each other for years. :)

Although we strive to have an everlasting relationship in the future, we both agree that while we are away from each other, we should give each other the freedom of singles.

I can't say that it'd be alright with me if she dated some guy. No. Perhaps I'm not worried about it because she told me she isn't attracted to any guys except for me. If she'd date someone it'd be a girl - something that doesn't make me feel jealous that much.

But then... is it really fair? I date other girls while knowing that she wouldn't date any other guys? She says it is... it makes her feel jealousy, but only a little. She says it's fine as long as I'm happy, because then she's happy too. Oh, Angel!

12th October, 2005

Today is Yom Kippur - the day of atonement during which people are supposed to fast and God forgives them for their sins. You mustn't eat, drink, use electricity or light a fire for 25 hours. If the lights are on, they stay on until fasting is over.

Until now, I've never done it. My mom would tell me that as a kid it's okay not to fast, because God forgives kids either way. I remember trying to fast when I was 13, but it was a very hot day and as me and my friends went out to pass the time I started to feel dizzy and had no choice but to drink some water the moment I got back home.

Today I've been thinking a lot about it. In the army it's not much of a choice, really. There is no food being cooked on Yom Kippur. You can eat some bread and open up a combat meal, which consists of cans of tuna, beef, chocolate pasta and peanuts, but that's about it. You can't enter the 'club' to watch TV, because people who fast might enter the club for other purposes and so you must respect them.

Eventually, I decided to fast. If not for myself, then at least for Natalie. May she forgive me if I ever hurt her. It doesn't matter if she'd hurt me. I'd rather get hurt than hurt somebody.

We have to be extremely careful with people around us, especially those we really care about. It's so easy to hurt people, so easy to be misunderstood. There is no absolute language in which people can perfectly understand each other. Every second word has multiple meanings. The tone you use, the look on your face when you say it, it can alter the way people understand you... or more correctly, misunderstand you.

13th October, 2005

Fasting wasn't tough. Apart from some dizziness in the last hour.

Just before the stars appeared in the sky, I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for hurting Natalie ans wished her happiness.

Over the last 6 months she made me happy quite often. I learned a lot of new things, gained self-confidence, enjoyed her company, lived through a plenty of pleasant experiences and happy memories. Surely there's been a lot of fighting going on, unpleasant and negative things that got us to where we are now, but in my opinion we should always remember the good things rather than the bad ones. We all want to be remembered as good people, don't we?

14th October, 2005

Tonight I finally called Angel and heard her sweet voice again. We talked for 10 minutes, mostly about the possibility of meeting each other in November - the chances are slim, because she's only allowed to take days off work on certain dates. It most likely won't match the days that I'm home.

We had a sweet conversation. I realized then how much I miss her. She feels the same. She's amazing... If I could point out one achievement that I'm particularly proud of - it'd be my priceless relationship with Angel.

I really wish that for everyone!

Moving On

12th September, 2005

Nothing much has happened in the last week.

Chief Artillery officer Dan Kaspy has visited our base and announced his resignation. He was one of the founders of this base. As a way of saying goodbye, he fired the howitzer for one last time.

On another day, a group of high-ranking officers have arrived at our base for some conference. They were served a delicious meal while we - the regular soldiers - were given the ordinary B-type food we usually get. Well, what do we expect?

As part of the presentation we were supposed to fire a few shells, but my team didn't fire any... because of me.

I don't know who touched it, but the left joystick control switch was off and nobody noticed it - not me, not my commander or the officer who came to see why we weren't firing. We never use this switch, but since it's located next to my position in the howitzer, I think it was my responsibility after all. That didn't matter much, though. It was only a presentation... other howitzers fired anyway.

I sure hope that won't happen again, especially not when we're to fire at Hezbollah.

14th September, 2005

I finally arrived home. Natalie spent some time at my place. Sigh, I want some free time for myself.

It's funny how you're dying to date someone when you've been lonely for months, and how you're dying to be alone for a while, when you've been dating for months. You miss what you had. Can we ever balance the two?

We went to the cinema, watched "The Skeleton Key". I'm having with Natalie, but it feels like we're just good friends. I have feelings for her, but it's not love. Not anymore. I'm not trying to make things work between us, not anymore. Yet I don't want her to get hurt. I just know how it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Yet I think she belongs to the type of people who could easily fall out of love and move on.

Who would've imagined that such a beautiful girl would be in love with me and I'd reject her? Me? The guy who a few years ago was willing to give up everything just to be loved by someone?

Beautiful? It all comes down to character eventually. Rejection? How can one not reject someone who's cheated on him so many times.

The times have changed. I'm now more confident than ever. There are so many girls out there.

16th September, 2005

We spent the morning together in the park. In the evening she went out with her friends - a girlfriend and 2 guys. They went to the beach, spent time at a pub, drank a lot of beer and played billiard. She asked me to do her a favor - if her mom calls me, I should pretend that she's with me.

According to her, she drank 3 liters of beer that night.

A call... It was her mother.

Natalie's mother: "I can't reach Natalie, her phone's busy. She needs to get home by now."
Me: "Okay, I'll tell her to call you back..."
Natalie's mother: "It isn't normal to talk for that long."
Me: "I know, don't worry I'll tell her to get back home."
Natalie's mother: "Give her the phone."
Me: "She's busy talking to someone else. It's ok, I'll ask her to call you back."
Natalie's mother: "She never calls back. Give her the phone, let me speak to her."
Me: "Look, don't worry. She's coming home."

She's finally let it go. Phew!
I tried to reach Natalie, but the line was busy. Argh! I sent her an SMS.

A few minutes later her mother called again.
Natalie's mother: "Where is she? Why doesn't she answer the phone?"
Me: "I don't know."
Natalie's mother: "Give her to me."
Me: "She went aside to speak with her friend."
Natalie's mother: "What friend? Why did she go aside? Let me speak to her."

She was getting more and more impatient and I was running out of lies. I'm bad at this and I hate it. No more favors like that, Natalie.

Me: "She's busy, we're on our way home."
Natalie's mother: "Where are you now?"
Me: "Near the beach."
Natalie's mother: "Are you going home or what? What street is it?"
Me: "I don't know, there are no signs nearby."
Natalie's mother: "What?! You don't know where you are?"
Me: "No, I do. Somewhere on the way home."

I was losing my confidence as she couldn't stop questioning me.

Natalie's mother: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Yes."
Natalie's mother: "What street is it?"
Me: "Ummm, we're now at the end of Arlozorov"

Arlozorov? Are you crazy?! She'd never buy it!
Besides, I'm at home right now and there's no sound of cars or people anywhere near.

Natalie's mother: "Didn't you say you were near the beach?!"
Me: "Yeah, we already left it."
Natalie's mother: "Okay. Tell Natalie to be get home fast. She must not be late."

Natalie later called me and then talked with her mom. Being urged to get home, she took a cab, leaving her friends in the pub without paying for the beer.

She entered her home, barely standing on her feet. Drunk, she went to bed, hoping her parents wouldn't notice. They haven't noticed it since they were asleep, but they've punished her the next morning anyway.

17th September, 2005

We were planning to go to Ashqelon to my dad's. He's going to travel and leave us his apartment down by the beach. Natalie's parents forbade her to go. I wasn't excited about the idea anyway.

Instead, we went to Memadyon - a water park in northern Tel Aviv. We've been at all the attractions, swam a lot and ate a fine dinner, having a lot of fun overall... until an incident has happened...

In one of the swimming pools, she asked me to stand up on a slightly higher spot. The moment I stood there, she tried to pull my shorts down.

Beneath my swim shorts I wore no underwear and there were a lot of people around us. Some of them noticed her attempt and watched us with curiosity. Lucky for me, I reacted in time and saved myself the big embarrassment.

I asked her not to do that again, but she ignored my request and did it again when I least expected it, pulling my short halfway down, revealing part of my buttocks. Although I'm sure there was nothing spectacular to see, it was still rather embarassing. She burst into laughing.

"Are you stupid? Are you actually dumb?!"

The word "dumb" made her stop laughing. "How can you call me that? How you dare cursing me? No one ever does. I never cursed you."

We stopped talking to each other, each one swimming on his own. After we left the water park she still wouldn't talk to me. I tried to break the ice: "I'm tired of saying 'sorry' instead of you all the time. You should forget your ego for once and admit that you're wrong." She didn't...

Later that day I messaged her and we became friends again.

18th September, 2005

I visited Natalie today. She seemed to be fully obsessed with Yakir - he's one of the 2 guys she went out with 2 days ago. She couldn't stop talking about how much she missed him, how cute he is. She even showed me his pics. Bah! After that, she says that I have a bad taste?!

I told her yesterday, prior to the fight: "Look, it doesn't matter what you do and what happens between us, it doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna tell you this, but you must one day accept it: I don't love you and even if I ever do, we won't be together forever. That's why you should look for other guys."

She's meeting Yakir tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe she's beginning to accept it.

19th September, 2005

Natalie met Yakir this afternoon and guess what? All he did was talk about girls and sex.
"He's obsessed with his penis! He's so proud of it. He asked me if I wanna have sex with him, touch it and so on." She refused his offer, of course. She doesn't want to have any contact with him, which is pretty obvious.

What a jerk. At least he was honest about his intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are even worse than that.

Again did the guy triggered the opposite reaction. After telling me about her date with Yakir, she added: "I realized once again that I you're my one and only!"

Couldn't tell her the same thing. These guys - who are supposed to do the work - eventually end-up doing the exact opposite - they get her to the same conclusion over and over again, that I'm the one for her.

Have I experienced this... illusion for Angel? Is Angel the ultimate one for me? I don't know. I doubt it. Am I the best guy for Natalie? Certainly not!

It's just a matter of time before she realizes it...

24th September, 2005

During the last few days, Natalie would call me and ask me once in a while whether I love her. I never answered her question, letting her know that I most likely don't. "Say that you love me..." "..." then we would change the subject...

Lately she's been calling me more often, telling me stories about her school friends and asking me some stupid questions: "What are you doing? ...Why?" "Why that and not this?"

It went on and on until I finally said: "Do you have anything interesting to say to me? Something that you called me for?" "No." "Then let's get back to whatever we were doing." "Wait... you don't like talking to me?!" ... "Well, we've got nothing to talk about and these questions are really boring me..." <--- A fight trigger!

These words of mine have led us to the longest and probalby the worst fight we've ever had.

"You don't care about talking to me! Nobody's ever said such a thing to me! You're such an asshole! I love you and care about you, but you don't give a shit about my feelings!"

Then she wished me and Angel would burn in hell. She threatened to hurt me and Angel, called me a total egoist.

"How dare you call me an egoist? I spend all my money on you, I take you to places, I walk you home, always do as you say. I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me and Angel?"

At some point I told her: "You know what? I don't care if you commit a suicide, if you try to hurt Angel or any other stuff. I don't want it to happen, but I don't care. It's your life. I just don't want us to break up as enemies, but as friends. I'll always like you and remember the good things about you."

She told me I'm the host hated person in the world, after her parents.

After another argument, it was sudden silence... The next thing I heard was her crying. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"I love you... I love you so much" she said while crying. A minute later she told me she didn't mean all the things she had said. Deep down inside, she did.

It's like a demon and an angel are trapped together in her soul, each one taking possession of her mind at a different time. I'm sorry Natalie, but I can't cope with that demon inside you.

25th September, 2005

We were talking phone today... I don't remember exactly what we were saying, but at one time these words have escaped my mouth: "I don't love you". She was shocked. In an instant she became very upset. "You dont.... love me?" "What? But Natalie, don't pretend you didn't know it. Why do you think I never answered whenever you asked me if I loved you. I thought you knew..."

I'm sure she knew. She just didn't want to accept it, hoping that one day I would give her a positive answer.

26th September, 2005

My team and team 2C walked down the road to a spring not far from our base.

Among the ruins of what probably used to be a Syrian village before the war, there was a small spring. A good place to light a fire and enjoy the nature.

Me and Daniel decided to take a walk, before the barbeque is ready. I asked him for advice - What is the best way to make Natalie stop loving me? He suggested that I stop showing emotions: Don't call her back, don't show any interest, be cold to her.

As absurd as it sounds, it seems to be true. If you really care about somebody, sometimes you have to cruel to him, for his own good.

28th September, 2005

Natalie called me, telling me that she smoked 21 cigarettes in just a few hours. She cries all day. I had nothing to say. What's her next move? This is getting scary.

The next time she called I told her that smoking and crying isn't gonna help, that it repulses me and that if she does that just to draw my attention and get my sympathy - this isn't going to work. She replied: "I don't wanna talk with you anymore right now. Bye"

30th September, 2005

This month is coming to an end, and so is my relationship with Natalie.

I never call her or initiate a conversation when she's online. When we do talk, I try to say as little as possible without revealing any emotions.

1st October, 2005

She calls me and tells me something terrible has happened. Last night she, Alice, Max and Alexey (her friends) walked on Bialik st. in Ramat Gan. They went to buy some beer when they were approached by 5 Russian guys a few years older than them.

These guys have threatened them and asked to join them. They beat Max in the face, took his cellphone and 140 shekels from his wallet.

They were forced to follow the guys to a bar where some 20 other guys where waiting for them. They sat down drank some vodka with juice. Natalie and her friends were sitting beside them, scared.

The Russian guys got drunk and flirted with Natalie and Alice. Being surrounded by some 30 men, running away was not a possibility.

The guys started touching their bodies. When Natalie and Alice tried to protect themselves, a few other guys approached the girls from behind, pulled their hands back and locked them up behind their backs so that they wouldn't resist. The girls could do nothing but scream, and when they did, one of the guys told his friends to let them go.

When they went out of the bar, they saw a guy sitting on the bumper of a car, smoking a cigarette. The Russian guys approached him and ordered him to scram. When he refused, they beat him in the face and broke his hand.

Natalie said they're going to go to the police and report it. The guy who stole Max's phone, gave him his own. Maybe it could lead the police to that guy.

One good thing came out of this whole story, though. She now likes Max.

The next day she wrote: "I'm in love..."
"With whom?" "With Max."
"And what about him?"
"I don't know. Alexey said he'll make sure we'll be together."

Finally, I can mark the end of this troublesome and complicated relationship with Natalie.

I'm glad it took so little time for her to "forget" me.

Thank you, Natalie. Now we both can move on with our lives.