The search for innocence

2nd September, 2005

Gal went on a date with Natalie at 10pm. Meanwhile, I talked to Angel, told her everything.

Angel: "You know what I think about you?"
Me: "That I'm a complete idiot?"
Angel: "No! That I love you more than the whole world!."
Me: "Sorry, I was joking. =) I love you too, Angel."

We're going to be together again, I know it now!

3rd September, 2005

It seems that Angel is on some kind of an apprenticeship program, which means she'll have to work at hotels for 3 years. After that, she'll be qualified to work at hotels everywhere in the world. That means we have to wait another 2-3 years from the moment that I finish the army? I guess so. I'll begin attending the university in the meanwhile, but the moment I finish my military service, I'd like to go on a week-long vacation with her somewhere abroad. That would be fun!

Me: "We always tend to put love in 2nd priority, delaying for later years. Maybe it's meant to be this way, but what if this love will make us much happier? It will surely change our lives... or maybe this love is too perfect to be realized one day?"

Angel: "I don't know... With you I have so many dreams. One guy said that it's good to dream, dreams are what we are living for."

Me: "It's not just dreams. We've realized some of them when we've met. It is possible!"

We've talked about the girl that she likes. She said she doesn't know if she actually loves her, that they've kissed and nothing else. She said she doesn't wanna fall in love with girls again, it's not pleasant. She'll try not to.

I asked her if it's right to date other people. I may meet some other girl and fall in love with her, like it happened with Natalie. She said she doesn't mind, she doesn't have any problems with that.

She's always wanted me to be happy, whether I'm with or without her.

She asked me if it's alright for her to date other girls. No, I don't mind.

What an interesting relationship we're having here: Free of commitments and full understanding.


* * * * *

Natalie spoke to me about her date with Gal. "It was fun." He took her to the beach, bought her some flowers and in less than an hour he took her back home with his car. There, they've said goodbye.

He lives nearby. She likes him. "He only had 2 girlfriends in his life. One in 5th grade, the other in 11th." She said he's really nice and romantic.

Me: "Did you kiss?"
Natalie: "No.
Me: "Why?"
Natalie: "Why would we? (IsraeliDiary), tell me the truth... do you love me?"

A pause...

Me: "It doesn't matter, cause even if I don't, I can't say it after what had happened."
Natalie: "Do you??"
Me: "I don't know. I do feel pain and jealousy, but with time I feel it less and less."
Natalie: "So you don't. :("
Me: "Look, I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I want you to be happy. Don't get stuck on me, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I really wanted to part in a way it would least hurt you."
Natalie: "So what will we be, friends?"
Me: "Yeah, we may meet and do things together, only that this time we'll both have our freedom. No obligations, no common future. ;) Everything stays the same!"
Natalie: "Except your love for me. :("
Me: "Who knows? What is certain is that I'll always like you."

I remember how a couple of months ago she wanted us to be free, to date other people, yet be together. Well, she got it now, only without the 'love' part.


* * * * *

She had another date with Gal.

For some reason I feel jealous. Natalie with another guy? My Natalie?!

Whenever she cheated on me it would hurt me so badly I wished it never happened... and now I'm telling her to feel free to go out with other guys.

It's like I'm giving her a permission to cheat. It still hurts... a bit less, but it still does.

I don't want to break up with her and leave her on her own. It would be best if I help her forget about me by finding another guy. That's what I'm trying to do.

9:45 pm - A phone call...

Me: "Hello?"
Natalie: "Are you busy?"
Me: "Umm... no."
She sniffed, implying that she's in a bad mood.
Me: "What happened?"
Natalie: "Nothing."
Her voice sounded rather wounded.
Me: "Natalie - what's wrong? Is it your parents? Is it Gal?"
Natalie: "No..."
Me: "Is it Shachar?"
Natalie: "No."
Me: "Is it... me?"
Natalie: "Yes.."
Me: "What happened? What did I do?"
She started crying!
Me: "Please don't cry, tell me what happened.."

But my words only made her cry louder and more bitter. I could feel her pain.

Natalie: "I love you, I love you so much! I don't need anyone else but you."
She said those words in a deeply hurt voice.
Natalie: "I love you and I'll never love anyone else. You're the only one for me!"

Oh no.. My eyes were filled with tears that within seconds were all over my face. I couldn't bear hearing her cry like that.

Me: "Natalie, please don't cry. I'm here, I'm not leaving you."
Natalie: "Yes you are. It's not the same. You don't love me anymore... When Gal walked me home and we kissed, I was sure it was you.. but when I opened my eyes I saw him.. and I cried!"
"He's nice, he's charming and all that, but you are the one for me, I want you and nobody else."

She had shocked me once again. I didn't know what to say or do. Trying to find her another guy had only produced the opposite result.

I said something which she didn't buy, but it was true in a way: "What if I love you and I want you to be the happiest... and I realized that I can't give you this happiness so I decided to make you stop loving me so by finding another guy who suits you more?"

(What the hell was I trying to say here? How would that help anything?)

These were Amir's words and I said them to her just like he did, without even realizing that. He said to her: "What if I love you so much that I want you to be the happiest and I realized that I cannot give you all that you wish..."

Later at night I told her that everything's still possible. We can still be together. I may love her one day. "It's your behavior that made my love fade away. When we fight, your dignity is more important to you, you're convinced that you're always right and if I disagree then I can go to hell. You also never say sorry. You have a high ego and it destroys everything. Sometimes you're romantic, sweet and lovable. Don't put yourself above people, put the people you love above yourself. Will you change?"

Natalie: "I'll try. :)"

Will she, really?

5th September, 2005

I watched the movie "The Notebook" and it reminded me of my relationships with Angel and Natalie.

Maybe it doesn't matter how much we fight, as long as we never give up on each other and do our best to change ourselves for the sake of the relationship, things might eventually work out.

The value of innocence

My recent conversation with Daniel kept me thinking about this for a while now...

Daniel's a good guy. He's my best friend in the battery and we get along quite well, most of the time.

However, there are a few things I don't like about him. The first one is his political view, or in other words, his hatred. He says that if an Israeli guy becomes a suicide bomber and blows himself up to pieces, killing Palestinian men, women and children, it will be justified since that's what the Palestinians do to us. Eye to eye, that is.

Another thing I dislike is his tendency to steal things. He would only steal military equipment and only from other batteries, but that's stealing all the same.

Apart from that, he's a really good guy. He shares everything with his friends, he volunteers and helps everyone. He doesn't like the commanders and officers, after they failed him twice, taking away his vacations, but he has nothing against the new commanders and officers who apparently haven't failed him, yet.

Back to the point.

One day we were talking about our parents. He said his father used to hit him with a leather belt when he was a child, punishing him for misbehaving. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me with a belt, although he would sometimes threaten to do so.

Daniel: "That's why you grew up to be an innocent kind of guy, not violent, not a trouble maker."
I never really thought about that, but I guess there is something to it.

He told me how he once ran away from home and stayed overnight at his friend's house. The next day he had to come back, after his friends phoned his parents and told them of his whereabouts.

"They didn't show any mercy that day." he said.

Innocence... What is innocence, really?

Yesterday I talked to Alice. She was my girlfriend 5 years ago, when we were still kids. I was 14, she was 13. I remember being very excited about sex back then. She, obviously, wasn't ready yet. She was a quiet, shy girl. Not one you would commonly consider a good looking, yet she was my type.

A year ago I met her online. When I asked her if she has a boyfriend, her reply shocked me. She said she has a 'f**k-friend'. Alice?! You? A what? No way!

But this wasn't all... 3 years after we were a couple, when she was 16 years old, she apparently became very attractive. She said guys started asking her out in pubs and clubs and it raised her ego. Since then she'd had countless 'f**k-friends'.

Even though I have no feelings towards Alice anymore, I couldn't stop wondering what had happened to that sweet innocent girl I once knew.

She serves in Border Police. Bad job, bad people. She wants out. She asked to be transferred, but they refused. She escaped home. When she came back she was punished, put on trial and sentenced to a few weeks in military jail. Today she'll go to Bakum for a health commission that might lower her profile and get her some place better.

Good luck, Alice. She had to go.

I often think about this troubling sex issue. Why do guys love to f**k every girl they see? So many guys see girls as nothing more than sex subjects. I feel attraction to a lot of girls too, but what's wrong with being with one girl? There usually isn't much difference. Don't you prefer to have something unique, something special with one single person?

I know, there's this desire of being loose, doing whatever you want without caring about anything, sleep with countless women 'cause you only live once... but something tells me it's wrong, totally wrong. It's dirty.

Maybe I'm just an innocent guy and one day I'll realize that this is life - you live to enjoy and when you're innocent, you miss so much because you keep yourself away from so many things. So maybe you should give in, lose your innocence completely, forget about conscience, about what's right and what's wrong and just live your life by your own rules.

But how can you look in your girlfriend's eyes and, even if it was way back in the past, imagine her getting laid with guys who didn't even know her name, who'd met her at the pub or at a party while being half drunk. You imagine the worst things and it tears you apart. You just can't help it. On one hand, you wanna know the whole truth. On the other hand, you wish you had never heard it.

...and when you're past your teenage years and you open your eyes, you look around you and see how your friends go astray and follow the path of lust and meaningless sex. It hurts more when it comes to girls. They are the symbol of innocence to me.

I can't say it's easy to follow a different path. In some way you envy your friends for their sexual experiences with girls, but you convince yourself that what you do is special and is worth it. Save yourself for someone special and you'll be rewarded.

I'd like to think that guys who 'fool around' in their early years only get what they deserve - girls of the same kind. But that's not the way it goes, is it? So many people are being fooled by love.

I don't believe that guys who chased sex until the age of 30 and decided it was time to stabilize their lives and get married would ever change. They would most likely cheat.

It makes you sad when you see a decent woman falls victim to a bad husband. It works the other way around too, but much less often.

Perhaps this world is not the best place to look for innocence, however, I'm not willing to give up my search. I'm sure everyone can find his own place in this world.