Feelings have a sense of direction

27th August, 2005

Today I finally had some free time for myself to do what I want. You miss these things once you spend all your time in the company of your partner.

Most of my time is being spent with her, and as much as I'm happy to be with her, sometimes I need a little space for myself.

We eventually met in the afternoon and went to Park Darom. The sun was setting, casting an orange haze over the endless array of buildings of Tel Aviv.

Me: "I'll miss those days. What we have here is (will be remembered) forever. I'm having a lot of fun with you, yet time takes it away from me."

It really seemed like it was going to be the last romantic event in our relationship. There was something in the atmosphere around us suggesting that the end is near.

Me: "You're a great person, Natalie, and it will be hard losing someone like you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. Your whole life is ahead of you."

I meant those words, just like I meant everything else that I've said to her. She might not have the best character in the world, but there's kindness in her soul, the kindness that I hoped would grow during our relationship and eventually change her character.

It was getting late. My mom gave her a ride home. I accompanied her. "This time I won't walk you to the front door. My mom's in a hurry and it's also easier to part that way."

Althought the reasons were sincere, there was something more to it. A crack in our relationship was expanding, threatening to tear us apart for good...

Meanwhile, I received an SMS from Angel: "Hi! Sorry if I woke you up now! Just had to think about you right now... I'm listening to your CD at the moment. I hope you are fine. :) Good night and sweet dreams! Miss you."

I replied to her sms, and I really wished to chat with her. I checked MSN a lot of times at home, but she was never online. Why do I ignore Natalie's request? I don't know...

29th August, 2005

Back in the army. A painful 5 hour drive to the base. I was tired.

This evening I was chatting with Natalie. Angel was online, in invisible mode.

How I wanted to talk to her....... I couldn't resist it.

Natalie asked me whether I talk to Angel. If I say "yes", it'd be another fight... I would hurt her and be so busy trying to sort things out that I wouldn't be able to talk to Angel at all.

Me: "No. She's not online anyway."
Natalie: "She is. Are you blind?"
Me: "I'm telling you, she's not. Maybe she's invisible."
Natalie: "She's online in my contact list."
Me: "Well... maybe she's added you to her visible list."
Natalie: "Maybe she did"

I went to bed. At around 1am someone called me and woke me up. "Who's calling me so late at night?!"

"Hello?" I answered in a rather sleepy voice.
They hung up.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then I received an SMS from Angel. I was no longer upset. :)

"Hey, sorry, I actually wanted to speak with you, but I couldn't ^^' I... Well, it was nice to hear your voice again... :) Have a good night!"

I replied to her, saying sorry for my tired voice, telling her that I missed her voice too, that even though she woke me up, it's absolutely okay. Of all the people in the world, she's allowed to do that. Besides, I usually sleep better after talking to her.

I wished her a good night and sweet dreams... after a few minutes I received another message: "Oh, I'm sorry! I can't sleep... I have to think all the time what would have happened if I have moved to you and just be a housewife or what I should do... I don't know... I miss you so much and when I was with you, I still had dreams... now I'm justl iving day by day and think about nothing. Just working and doing nothing... Is that life? Well, don't wanna bother you with my problems. ^^' So, sorry ^^' Anyway, see you online anytime. Good night!"

"I want you to be happy, Angel. You are the only true angel I know. You deserve happiness more than others. ^^ Come to me, it will be great. :)"

She replied: "Don't say that, otherwise I might really do it (come to Israel) *lol* What is hapiness? ^^ (IsraeliDiary), Do you think we'll be together one day again? .. Sorry, that's a silly question. ^^"

"We will. That's why I'm still breathing. You are my brightest future! A star that will always shine and inspire! Don't be a housewife, you have a future. Seek your talents. Gotta go sleep, talk to you later."

Angel: "Thanks. Then I'll hold on to that future either! ... (IsraeliDiary), I'm looking forward to it... :) You were, are and will always be my one and only... sleep well."

Does she really mean that? Has she realized once and for all that we are meant to be together?

30th August, 2005

Today it was my team's turn to cook dinner for the whole battery. Each week a different team has to make dinner. It's just a one-time competition for fun. A team receives 100 NIS to buy the products. A winning team gets a free day out in the north, some kind of activity.

I was making a salad in the kitchen. My mind was fully occupied with the recent events. I was thinking about how I lied to Natalie about talking to Angel, about how I flirted with Angel.

Yes, it all came from my heart, but isn't it a bit unfair towards Natalie? What should I tell her? I gotta tell her the truth..... but then I'll hurt her... Well, the truth will come out sooner or later, it better be now than later. The guilt of lying is consuming me from inside. How can I lie? I never lie to people, it's not me. How do I explain to her that I can't stop talking to Angel no matter what? Would it be unfair if I talk to Angel while I have feelings for her? It would hurt Natalie. All the talking last night... it'd make her cry! I can't hurt her... but the truth - it's got to be told. Arggghhhh!!!

I shall tell her... I'll explain everything to her... but she'll be angry and revengful!

31st August, 2005

Why is it that everytime I get a message from Angel, I read it over and over again. Sometimes I would read Natalie's too, but not as often and as thoroughly as Angel's.

Why is it that everyday something reminds me of Angel. How I love her unique smile. No one smiles the way she does. :) I feel this burning sensation in my chest whenever I recall her smile.

I can't control this! I miss her! That's when my doubts turn into reassurances. Doubts in my love to Natalie... I think I don't love her. I like being with her, I like cuddling with her, I like making out with her, I like dating her, looking at her, watching movies with her, but I don't think that I love her. I just don't know if I do. The only thing I know is that I'm not sure about this anymore.

I started thinking about how horrible it would be to lose her. She made me happy so many times! She's been a great and loving girlfriend and her life... her life is a whole world! It's really hard for me to lose a person so close to my heart. It could've been perfect had we been perfect for each other, stayed together, raised a family and realized all our dreams... but we're not meant for each other, we fight and disagree. We sometimes reach a point where we feel carelessness towards each other, coldness and hostility.

Sometimes we don't even look like we're friends, let alone a couple. Then I begin thinking how far off our relationship is from what it should be. We just don't match. After a few fights, we'd be friends again, but what then? Exactly, another fight!

Look at Angel, she's never said a bad word about me. She's never been mad at me, never insulted me with words, never meant to do me any harm, it's like she's never even thought anything negative about me. Just like me.

This is it. Tonight, after spending hours thinking it over I had decided!

It was time to talk to her and tell her everything...