Back at home for 5 days

13th July, 2005

4 months have passed. A wave of new soldiers arrive, some young soldiers leave for commander's course, the oldest soldiers of Aug '02 get released from the army, new commanders and officers. A lot of changes, especially this time.

Yesterday evening, Matan told us he's leaving. He's going to be a desk-worker commander at the headquarters of our regiment. A new commander, a year younger than me is supposed to replace him. 2 other commanders in the battery will be replaced by fresh Aug '04 arrivals. 2 new officers will join our battery. Even our battery's commander is getting replaced.

Soldiers of Nov '04, who've just finished their advanced training, are supposed to come on 17th. When they join the battery I will no longer have to guard at the base. There'll be enough soldiers younger than me to guard everyday.

2 soldiers from my team are leaving. One of them is getting released from the army due to personal issues after having a conversation with our regiment's psychiatrist, the other one is going to be a desk worker, he's lowered his profile and is going to serve close to his home, due to some serious problems in the family.

Ravit is leaving us too. Everybody hates her and are happy she's leaving. Not me. I like her and admire her for her achievements in the battery. She volunteered to serve 3 years in the army, she worked hard and became a commander.

Even though girls in artillery corps can only be assigned as responsible for sending out coordinates (rather than carrying 43kg shells), she's done some hard work, dealing with everything professionally, helping out and staying late.

I'm sure it wasn't easy at all to be the only female commander in the battery. It looked like the whole battery was physically attracted to her. What about her character? I guess only her team and the other commanders know her real character, if at all. Everybody hates her for being so professional, for never being off guard. She was doing everything by the book and there's nothing that soldiers hate more than commanders who do everything by the book.

I don't know where she gets all that strength and I wonder how she's like in real life, off duty.

Today I'm released home. That means that when I go back, I won't recognize my battery. So many changes...


* * * * *

The demons are now gone. The clouds have dispersed. When I'm back from the army, all my troubles disappear. My relationship with Natalie only blossoms.

I have celebrated my birthday at a park, inviting all of my relatives. Natalie was there too. She felt uncomfortable around so many strangers and wanted me to spend most of the time with her.

On one hand I felt uncomfortable leaving her on her own, on the other hand I felt it was wrong to ditch my whole family whom I haven't seen for at least a year.

I ended up spending with her most of the day, giving her full attention. I didn't feel good about it.

Before the park, she gave me her birthday gifts. It was a red, heart shaped cushion and a small book of love sayings. Oh Natalie! She does it every time, she melts my heart. As I write this (in my diary), I wanna hug her again! It was a good day for me. =)

On the next day I received a notice on my cellphone. It was Matan. He asked that I come to a hospital in Petah-Tikva tomorrow. All the soldiers who were released home had been called up to volunteer in a certain activity, to make IDF look friendly.

We don't have any problems with volunteering and doing something good for Israeli citizens. But when you're forced to do it, and when it's being done on the very few days that you get to be home after being stuck for half a month in the army, it's a totally different story!

Some guys had to come all the way from Haifa or Beer Sheva just for a few hours. The whole day was wasted for them.

It was our last day at home. We all met at Schneider hospital at 12:30pm. When everyone arrived, we walked a short distance to a kindergarden nearby. It was a special kindergarden for autistic children. We were split to 2 teams. One would paint the kindergarden, the other would play with children.

I chose playing with the children. There was a kid whose name is Or, he's 5 years old and he already knows gimatry (numerical value of letters). He knows English, he knows how to spell words right, he can translate certain words from Hebrew to English. At age 5 he knows multiplication. When he grows up he's going to be the next Einstein!

There was another kid, her name's Sarah. She likes hugging people. She came to me, hugged me tight and sat on my laps.

She was so happy. I was so shocked

The caretakers told her not to touch people, but she would walk around and touch soldiers. It really looked like she enjoyed doing it.

I met Natalie in the evening. We went to the beach and ordered a pizza at the restaurant.

When she walked to the bathroom, I saw that guy who was selling roses. I called him up and I bought one. I thought it was my opportunity to make it up for the last time, when I didn't have enough cash in my wallet to buy her a rose.

I wanted to surprise her. I hid the rose under the table. When she came back from the bathroom I handed it to her. It made her very happy. Her smile was definitely worth the 20 shekels.

After dinner we sat on a bench facing the sea, spending the last minutes talking about life, hugging and kissing.

It was time to go home. We called a cab.

It is when we part that she shows me how much she loves me. She kept begging me to stay. She almost cried. I asked her not to think about it. Time will pass by fast, it's alright.

The first few minutes without her are always the hardest, realizing that I'm not going to see her for a long time. One minute you're having a great time with your girlfriend, the other minute you're back at the army.

Soon the demons will come out again. They will attempt to destroy our relationship. What will happen this time, I wonder... She still haven't told me that one secret that, according to her words, would make me break up with her.

As much as I don't wanna break up with her, I want to know the truth. I can always lie to myself and pretend that everything is perfect. But how many lies can I keep telling myself?