The real meaning of trust

17th November, 2004

We woke up at 6am, packed everything and left for Qalqiliya.

It was a long and rainy day. There were a lot of things to unpack. Even when the whole battery's working together, it still takes hours. There's so much work, no wonder nobody likes moving.

Me and some others were assigned for the first shift at the roadblock. The roadblock was in fact miles away from the base, located on the 5th road - between Ariel and Tel Aviv.

A safari vehicle would take us there every shift. The thing is - a shift is 12 hours long! The drivers claim they have a lot of driving to do for other batteries and companies in this area in various hours, so switching teams every 8 hours would be impossible.

It was my first 12 hour roadblock, which I hoped would also be my last one. From 7pm until 8am, freezing cold under the heavy rain, we were standing there and checking vehicles, trying to stay awake. Lightning would occasionally light the cloudy sky and the sound of thunder would follow, pouring rain down on us.

What made things a bit easier for us was the AV patrol vechile. 6 out of 12 hours we took 2 shifts - driving around in the AV and hiding from the rain.

It was tough. After 27 hours without sleep, I'm sitting here and writing this entry. Soon enough, after we eat lunch, I will finally get myself some sleep. Frankly, I had 2-3 hours of sleep in the AV. I think we all did.

21st November, 2004

Apparently, that was the only 12 hour roadblock. Our battery commander took care of us and changed the driving shifts to 8 hours. Phew! Now the AV patrol is a separate mission.

During the last few days, ever since Ravit is present in the battery, I noticed sudden changes in my behavior. I try to act cool, be serious, work harder and be more careful when she might be around. Sometimes I notice how she looks at me, but she's like... one of our commanders!

There is a female AV driver that I'd see occasionally. The AV would stop by at the roadblock from time to time. I seem to act differently around her as well. :-\

I guess I want to be liked or even loved by girls that I like or care about. Angel couldn't show her love to me. Alisa, my x-girlfriend back when I was 14 years old, couldn't show her love to me... then I cheated on her by kissing another girl who could! But I know that I'll never do such a mistake anymore. I'll never cheat again!

23rd November, 2004

My mom came to our base and took me and 3 other guys to Tel Aviv. Finally home after... 25 days! (excluding the "after")

I watched the movie "Incredibles" in the cinema with my friend.

I had a webcam chat with Angel. That's where I could see the big difference between her real appearance and her virtual one. She'd smile and seem happy in her messages, but her face would conceal any emotions. She looked somewhat anxious and distinctly serious. Once in a while, though, she'd smile... and it was so divine! :)

Angel told me there's been some Egyptian guy chatting with her. She said that he really scared her in their last conversation. She gave me their chatlog...

He told her he loves her, even though he barely knows her. He said that I, as an Israeli, am trying to hurt her, the way Israeli soldiers hurt and kill Palestinian women and children. That since she's German, and Germans were once Nazis, Israelis want vengeance.

Her replies to him showed me how much she trusts and loves me. But when it came to politics, she didn't take any sides at all.

She said she'd never even suspected any of it, that she knows me well and that no one will ever make us break up.

1st December, 2004

I'm in my home base again. This time my whole team's here. We're here to guard, at least until the 6th, when another team will arrive for some artillery training. Each team is going to have 2 artillery exercises and a "regila" (a weeklong vacation). My team and the 3rd team from my platoon are going to be first in this.

As artillery soldiers, each one of us is assigned to a specific task. Each task has its number.

For example, #1 is the commander. He receives calculated coordinates and makes sure his team fires fast and accurately. He's also financially responsible for all the equipment of his howitzer and the howitzer himself. (There's a whole lot of equipment involved and commanders often end up paying for it as something always gets lost. Some commanders and teammates resort to stealing equipment from other batteries to make sure they won't be the ones to pay. That's why we guard our howitzers day and night just to make sure soldiers from B battery don't try to steal anything. A year later, one commander from B battery would be caught red-handed and tried along with 2 other soldiers.)

Today I was told I'd be the team's navigator, #2. In order to be a navigator, you have to finish a 2-day course, but my new officer, Michael, decided to teach me everything by himself. He was a navigator too, back when he was a regular soldier.

The navigator is responsible for accuracy. Once he receives coordinates, they appear on a radar-monitor in front of him. He uses a joystick to steer up/down/left/right and has to get on target within seconds. The commander can see on his own monitor whether the navigator is "on target" or not.

A few years ago, one guy from B battery confused the numbers and turned the cannon around by almost 180 degrees. The commander didn't bother to check if he was on target, he ordered to fire and as a result they nearly hit an Israeli town in the Golan Heights. This story has become a legend in the artillery corps.

4th December, 2004

Within the last 3 weeks I've come to know Michael better. He's a great guy, he treats the soldiers well and he's a pretty good officer. He's a handsome guy and not once girls happened to ask us: "who's that cute, fine-looking officer over there?"

This is the last night of guarding duties at this base. I'll be guarding at the entrance gates from 2 to 6am. It's really boring over there. You don't see any cars at these hours.

There's light inside the cabin. I'd better bring the book that I'm currently reading - it's Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". Who's gonna come and visit me at night? Nobody ever does.

The risks for getting caught are pretty low. Besides, I can't wait to see what happens next in this book and the time is gonna pass by real fast if I bring it with me.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to lose Michael's trust. You wouldn't want to lose your officer's trust and find yourself being punished for every little thing as opposed to being forgiven for making mistakes. While others learn from their mistakes by trying not to get caught, I learn from mine by not committing them again in the future. That's why I don't think I should be punished, especially if I didn't commit them on purpose.

But this one is on purpose... isn't it?

As always, before starting a guarding duty, you have to ask a commander or an officer to present while you unload the gun. It doesn't mean the gun's loaded, it's just a safety measure. Too many accidents have happened in the past.

I unloaded the gun in Michael's presence. He asked me if I filled the flasks with hot tea. (It gets really cold here at nights) I said: "No. I don't wanna. It's ok."

When I was guarding, reading the book was a bit frightening. It described a tomb with skeletons when suddenly I heard some noises from outside the cabin. I stood up and looked out the window - it was just a couple of dogs crawling under the fence.

"I have to be more careful."

I'd been looking out the window once in a while to see if anyone's coming. To do that, I had to sit with my back facing the gates.

4:30am, I see some movement to my right. It was Michael!!! He was heading towards the cabin. I only had a few second to hide the book! But there was nowhere to hide it! He might've seen it already! I decided to get out of the cabin and meet him outside, before he could see the book.

As I went out of the cabin to meet him, I tried to act as calm as I could. "I brought you some tea". Drawing his attention didn't work. He entered the cabin and checked the radio. He said he tried to contact me by radio. Apparently the battery was dead in my radio. Darn!

I tried to stay calm and accept the consequences. Then he said: "You're not supposed to read during the shift, but if you do, at least face the gate."

Is that a joke?! I only said "OK". He left.

The tea was barely warm.

He caught me. I was aware of the risk. A punishment is certainly justified. The only question I have now is "How severe is my punishment going to be?" 1 day? 2-3 days of my home vacation? The worst thing is, you usually don't know that until the very last day. Maybe it's because they don't want you to feel rebellious and try to do something about it.

Commanders are aware that soldiers don't really guard the way they should be. They were soldiers once too and did the same thing. Some would fall asleep, some would talk on the cellphone, some would play on GameBoy Advance - it was as clear as the sky on a sunny day - soldiers violate their guarding duties - you have to do something to preserve your sanity. If you stand in once place for 4 hours over and over and over again, you or your friend would soon notice that you start acting weird. So commanders know it and there's a virtual agreement between soldiers and their commanders: "we know that you do it, just try not to get caught."

Michael tried to contact me before coming. I'm sure he didn't come there to punish me, but as an officer he's obliged to report my violation and give me a punishment. I'm not gonna hate him for that.

Many soldiers hate their commanders and officers for punishing them for all kinds of violations. Not all punishments are justified, or at least not everybody agrees on their relevance, but in the end there are always a few rebellious soldiers who lose their trust in our battery's authority.

6th December, 2004

On my way to my room I saw a book "Angels & Demons" lying at the entrance to Ravit's room. She reads the same book as me!

She asked me to help her carry something. Should I start a conversation about the book? No... Why not? It could be a great subject for discussion. What for? You've got a girlfriend. I didn't talk.

Maybe I'm afraid to fall in love with someone else. That is possible, right? Ravit is very attractive. Everyday that she's in the battery I seem to like her more and more. This makes it hard for me to come over and talk to her.

I might never know what I'm missing... Yet I've made my choice - I can't risk losing Angel. I can't risk breaking her heart.

8th December, 2004

The training was annoying. It was cold, wet and muddy. It didn't take me that long to realize how lucky I was to be standing inside the howitzer and navigating rather than being outside in the mud, carrying shells.

















We ordered a pizza in the evening. We could no longer stand those horrible combat meals which consisted of cans of tuna, canned beef and other vomit-encouraging types of food. Before the army, I liked eating tuna fish, but now I can't even bear its smell.

9th December, 2004

After each training, there's a maintenance day at the end of the week. A lot of machinery work. Dirty work. Everybody hates it!

The 2nd training was cancelled. We were lucky to go home on Thursday as we finished all the work exactly on time before the last bus to Hatzor (a central bus station in the north east).

I wasn't punished by Michael. At least not yet. I wonder if he let it go. If it's so then I owe him a lot.