Jail and Freedom, or something in between?

Bakria, a very good person and a reader of my blog has asked me a few interesting questions. It took me quite a while to write the answers, the size of which are more appropriate to be written in a separate post.

Here it is:

Bakria:
As a human being, why did you choose to join the army? while you had the chance to refuse (and I know that the second would have put you in jail); but why? why you, yourself, choose to go and serve in the west bank?

Before I got drafted, I didn't want to serve in the army at all, because I've already met Angel. I hoped I'd somehow be able to skip the army, perhaps sit in jail for a while and then be with her without having to wait 3 long and painful years.

But even then I knew that this plan was not likely to work. I don't have a strong character. I'm not the type of guy who could easily say no to the law and sit patiently behind bars for 2-3 months. But I also knew that I'm not the violent type of guy. I couldn't imagine myself being violent or aggressive. One thing I really couldn't imagine myself doing is shooting and killing someone. I always hoped I'd never have to do that in my whole life.

So the alternative was to be a desk-worker and work with computers - that's what I'm good at and this is what I'd choose if I wanted to spend 3 years of military service in a productive and a more or less satisfying way.

A friend of mine told me I could easily get what I want if I refuse to be drafted as a combat soldier and sit a few days in custody. He said that this is the way it works - if they see that you're not cooperative and that there's no way they're going to make you do what they say - they give you what you want or at least go on some kind of a compromise.

On my first day in the army, when it was my turn at the classification desk, I told the officer I'm not capable of killing. He then asked me a question: "what if a terrorist is threatening to blow up a bus and kill many innocent people, would you still not shoot him?" I replied: "I'm afraid I won't be able to." He gave me a look and said: "...Okay. I'm making you an appointment with the Kaban (Mental Health Officer) and I'm lowering your profile to 02 (01-02 = desk-worker, 03 and higher = usually a combat soldier)

I had to wait for the next day before it was my turn to be "mentally checked". I told the officer (who was in fact a regular citizen) about the fact that I'm not capable of killing anyone. He said that it's completely normal, that it's not something that should prevent me from serving as a combat soldier. I couldn't agree with him, but it was his specialty to tell the difference. "To me you look completely sane. I'm raising back your profile status."

There was nothing I could do. Beside me, there were desk-workers who wanted to be combat soldiers. They could do nothing to raise their profile. I would have gladly switched with them, but it was impossible...

The next day I was supposed to be on my bus to a base in the Negev where I would undergo basic training. If you get on that bus, the chances to serve somewhere else become much much slimmer. My friends and parents' support gave me enough confidence to refuse. I refused to go up on that bus and, after a short conversation in a private office, where an officer allegedly gave me one last chance to change my mind, I was taken to custody with 42 days in jail as my punishment.

They took me to custody, where I would stay a few days before they either give me what I want or put me in jail.

They led me across the parking lot and into a closed site where they kept all the insubordinates. Once I took a step in there was a commander waiting for me there. He started yelling at me endlessly and give away orders.

I don't know why I obeyed his orders in the first place. It seems that everyone does. Maybe it's because no one wants to have additional punishment, I don't know. I refused to the idea of serving as a combat soldier, not to the idea of serving in IDF at all.

They took my cellphone and put all my belongings in a separate room. They also took my belt and my shoelaces so I wouldn't kill myself.

The place was relatively small. 10 cells for 8 people each and a small courtyard with white stripes drawn on the ground, lines we weren't allowed to cross. Me and a dozen of other guys had to stand all day in with our mouths shut. Sometimes we would be given work to do, sometimes we would be yelled at, sometimes we would be allowed to sit for a while... until someone would whisper and the commander would punish us all again.

They tried to break our spirits there. We all tried to stay united and firm, but one by one they would give up and agree to the terms to which they had initially refused.

They did really well, I gotta give them the credit for that. They called us to the office to sign papers, to be tried, asked us to specify one phone number to which we'd be able to call everyday for 50 seconds in jail. They told me that tomorrow I'll have one more hearing before they transfer me to jail for a period of 42 days. During the first hearing the officer told me that these 42 days aren't final. While I'm in jail, they're going to extend it by another 42 days and then again, until I agree to serve in the combat unit I was assigned to.

Suddenly I realized that I don't know what's going to happen to me. My friend told me I wouldn't have to sit in jail in order to get what I want. It seems that he was wrong.

I was on my own now.

In the evening they gave us 7 minutes to strip, shower and get dressed. We had access to our bags now. I noticed they didn't take my phone yet, only the battery. I had a spare with me. I told one of the guys, he was surprised: "What?! They forgot to take your phone? Oh man! That's awesome! Quick! You've got to take it with you." "What? But how?" "Put it in your pants."

I didn't have the right underwear to fit a cellphone in... but he had. Yes, this was quite disgusting, but we were ready for anything. This phone could really help us all.

After the shower we still had to sit a while in the courtyard before being released to the cells. I was putting my things back in the bag when one of the commanders approached me and asked me to give him my cellphone and all my money.

I was lost. I didn't know what to do. The cellphone was already... you know where...

I pretended searching for the cellphone in my bag and not finding it. "Oh no, I can't find my cellphone" I had a really concerned look on my face. "Oh come on, give it to me" "I'm serious! I've gotta find it." After a short drama he told me we'd look for it later.

I went back to the courtyard and told that guy to give me the phone back. I don't remember exactly, but I think they wanted to commit a search on us and our belongings in order to find the phone.

I gave them my phone and said that I eventually found it in my bag, or something like that.

Before bed we were allowed to call our parents. We had 50 seconds.

That was a fine trick! We had just enough time to tell our mothers we would be alright, that we miss them so much... and that we would probably not see them anytime soon. *Click*

You spend the next hour in your cell, thinking about what you've just said to your parents, wondering if you should have called them at all, hoping they would not worry as much as you think they do.

The beds were terrible. There barely was any air, it was very hot and the hard mattresses made your whole body sweat so badly. It took me a few hours to fall asleep, I wished to get out of that cell at any cost.

The next morning a few others have agreed to leave. One of the guys was here for over a week. He looked like a troublemaker, yet he told us he's not getting what he wants, instead he's being taken to jail today.

They took him away...

I had an hour or two before my fate would be decided. I kept thinking to myself... I was born and raised in a rather educated family, all my relatives are respected people. My older brother is one of the best students in the university. And I would sit in jail? Besides, would they really give me what I want? It is written on my face that I'm not a troublemaker. Guys like me are usually disciplined, they'd obey orders. They eventually do...

They kept telling us - Only stupid guys get here. If you were smart guys, you would agree to leave...

and there, at the base people would listen to you. You would belong to a unit who will care about your interests. Nobody cares here about who you are and what you want.

I thought to myself, maybe they're right about something... maybe I'll be able to get what I want without having to sit in jail. "You'll always be able to disobey and sit in jail to get what you want." If I can't get it here, instead of going straight to jail why not try in the unit first?

So then it was my turn to accept the terms. The 42-day long punishment was canceled, I got my bag back, my cellphone, my money, everything. I got out of that terrible place and got on the bus. I felt like I did the right thing.

During the basic training, I tried to leave the unit. I threatened to commit suicide, even though I knew I would never be capable of doing it. I asked to see the Mental Health Officer of the unit.

It was a female officer. I told her that I'm not capable of killing anyone, that I don't want to serve in the territories because I'm a pacifist. She told me that it's going to be okay, that I can always become a commander or an officer, most of which do not serve in the territories at all. She was surprised by our conversation, saying that I'm completely normal and suitable for a combat unit.

The more time I spent in my unit, the harder it was to leave the unit. I hoped that there would be courses that I could take which would eventually lead me to a different place in the army. I kept asking my commander to help me with it. After 8 months in the army I've been sent to do some exams for a short commander's course. They wanted me to finish this course and go on with it to become an officer. This would guarantee me a way out of a combat military service. Out of my unit, out of my regiment and on to something completely different.

But to become an officer meant I had to sign at least for another year. I wanted to finish the army as soon as possible in order to be with Angel. I finished the first course and refused to take the officers' course. This initial course theoretically promised me a different kind of duty, most likely a non-combat duty, but our corps out of all corps did not regard this course as authorizing graduates to be commanders, but only regular soldiers.

I was the only guy from my corps in that course. All the other guys have become commanders or officers, but not me and not any other guys from my corps who've previously finished this course. I returned to my unit and stayed there as a regular soldier. They promised me they'll consider giving me a prime job in the battery, but with time I've learned that in the army promises are often meant to be broken.