The conservative, secular me

26th July, 2004

Often during the day, and everytime I go to bed, I keep thinking about my sweet Angel, I keep imagining us together, of how great it's going to be when we finally meet - and it makes me feel so free and peaceful, as if I've achieved everything I ever wished for.

Sometimes my thoughts go where they really shouldn't, and that's when I want to punch myself hard because I hate it. I can't control my thoughts 100% and when I don't, it feels wrong. She's so sweet and innocent, and not the type of girl to imagine yourself having sex with. When I look at her pictures, all I wanna do is hold her and kiss her. I can never dare to (willingly) think about anything sexual when it comes to her, even though she's very sexy in her pictures.

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Yesterday, my mother told me she'd been infected from our cat with a disease called "mushroom" (?) She says the Animal Protection Organization sold us a sick cat without warning us.

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We played Soccer with the local children today. Some of them came from the neighboring settlement of Adora. An hour later two girls joined the field, sitting, watching us play and talking with each other. When we (the soldiers) finished playing and took a sit, they joined the game with the kids, playing passes and whatever.

One of the girls looked good, and so the three teammates talked about her . Yoav kept looking at her. I wanted to go back to the house but decided to stay and see how they behave. Will they talk to her? How will it all go? Eventually, she was the one who started the conversation with us. (mostly with Udi and Yoav. Or was adding jokes to the conversation. I didn't talk at all.)

Yoav asked her if she could join us on a patrol. She said her parents don't allow her to hang out with soldiers (a smart advice if you ask me, lol) She also said that she leaves to Tiberias or to the Greek island of Kos next week so we won't see her, and that in three weeks from now, she joins the army... for 3 years instead of 2.

Somehow it made me glad, not seeing another girl falling for Yoav's tricks, and refusing to believe that most girls are like most guys - lusting for sex most of the time.

That girl isn't my type, and even if she were, I've already got the best girl in the world!

A while later we left and the three started exchanging impressions: "I would fuck her!" "yeah, me too." And even Or, who has a girlfriend for 3 years now, said he'd fuck her if he could.
He showed me his girlfriend's pictures today. Man, I pity her.
Then Yoav asked each one of us: "Would you fuck her?"
Everyone said "yes" but me. Then everyone looked at me, waiting for my answer.
I said "no".
"So what if you've got a girlfriend? You'd fuck her anyway, wouldn't you?" "No, I wouldn't."
"...and suppose you didn't have a girlfriend?" "Still - I won't."

They just can't understand that I'm different? Their behavior is their business, my behavior is mine. I would never go and sleep with some girl whom I don't know just because she looks good, or just because I can. You know what? Maybe under different circumstances I would, I don't know. But definitely not when I have Angel, a rare treasure I would never want to risk losing.

Maybe if they had been in my place, they would have acted like me. But I find it hard to believe. I cannot imagine them truly falling in love, being satisfied with one single woman. Maybe in 10 years they'll change, but probably not.

On one hand, some part of me envies those guys who get laid 24/7 with dozens or hundreds of different girls, but on the other hand, after finding what seems to be true love - I wouldn't trade that for any kind of pointless, short-termed sex. Perhaps in another life. ;)